Archive for April, 2016

Beauty.

Norway

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Shady.

I swear some of the weirdest things happen to me on a weekly basis. On the one hand, I seem to be put in precarious situations way too much, on the other hand I always have plenty of blog material, and to a world class blogger such as myself this is invaluable.

The latest instance happened yesterday afternoon. I was sitting in the parking lot of a local store, sort of away from everyone else because I was meeting my girlfriend to go run some errands. I was early so I got out a book and began reading. After a bit I noticed an older model car, pretty sure it was a ’77 Ford LTD, slowly pull by me and pull over a couple spots ahead of me.

No big deal, I didn’t think much of it and went back to reading my book.

A minute later, though, I heard a low growl coming from my best friend in the backseat. I looked back at Sparky, then followed his gaze to the guy who’d pulled over.

He was getting out of his car and walking towards me.

He was wearing a sports jacket and jeans, had a ponytail, and he had a backpack slung over his shoulder. Then, as he neared my window he began to reach in the pack. For a second I had the crazy thought that he was going to pull out a gun and try and rob me, but then I rolled my window down and asked what the hell he was doing. He paused his digging in the backpack, stared at me for a second, backed up a few feet, then walked back to his car at a brisk pace, pausing only to look over his shoulder at me with a look of concern.

He then drove away, departing as mysteriously as he’d arrived.

So what did this dude want? Obviously a case of mistaken identity, right? Or was it?

Weird, man. Just another day in the life of Sparky and I.

PS – During the whole encounter The Spark was raising holy hell, barking and snarling and trying to rip the guy’s throat out. Perhaps that had something to do with the hasty retreat. 

So here’s Johnny Manziel’s latest tweet, where he sounds as if he’s proud of himself for reasons unknown to normal-thinking people. Read the tweet, and my comments follow:

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Uh, yeah Johnny, we know. That’s the problem. The sports world has been waiting for you to grow up, mature, and take advantage of the amazing opportunities that have been made available to you. Instead, you’re taking pride in the fact that you haven’t. A couple years ago you won the Heisman, was drafted in the 1st Round of the NFL Draft, and signed a $8.247 million contract, a four-year deal that included a $4.32 million signing bonus.

Since then you’ve partied your life away, been indicted on misdemeanor domestic assault charges, and your father has stated you’ll be lucky to live to see your next birthday.

Son, you were handed a great life on a silver platter and you’ve done everything you possibly can to screw it up.

Get some help, brother. You need it.

Johnny in Columbus recently.

Johnny in Columbus recently.

This map shows the locations of the U.S. geographic center of area, mean center of population, and median center of population.

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Russia banned the sale of vodka during World War I. The government immediately lost a third of its income.

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My Stalker and I

Posted: April 30, 2016 in Men and Women, WTF?
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Yikes.

So the other day I get a random friend request from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize, but this isn’t unusual. After all, I’ve had thousands of students and a lot of the kids that I had in class who have different last names now.

Anywho, I accepted the request and thought nothing more about it until a couple of days later when I received a message from said woman. Let’s call her Stella. Here’s the exact conversation that took place on the first day:

Stella: “Hello. How are you?”

Me: “Doing well.”

At this point I don’t want to offend her by telling her I don’t recognize her so I’m trying to feel her out. So to speak.

Stella: “How is the weather in Ohio?”

Me: “It’s been in the 60’s today. Unseasonably warm.”

Stella: “It’s warm here in ___________ too.”

She named a city that’s in another state, which didn’t help me at all. At this point I just asked her straight out:

Me: “Did I have you as a student at Paint Valley or Greenfield?”

Stella: “No, I saw you on Fox News and you looked interesting so I thought I’d contact you.”

Wait. What? Hold on.

Fox what? News? Ruh-roh . . .

Me: “Uh, not me. You’re  obviously mistaking me for someone else.”

I then log off with a shrug of my shoulders and forget about her. But, the next day I get a message . . .

Stella: “Can you at least talk to me?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know you. I thought we knew each other when I accepted the friend request.”

Stella: “Oh.”

It ends there for about a day. And then, the following evening . . .

Stella: “Can’t we just talk?”

I figured not responding was the best move at this point so I didn’t. Then, a couple days later I wake up to find this, repeated word for word:

“WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!”

And then . . .

“?????????????????????????????????????????”

Followed by . . .

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU??????”

And this went on for about 20 more messages. Chick was unglued, unhinged, and you know, thought she’d seen me on Fox News.

Good God. Of course at this point I unfriended her. I mean, I’ve had ladies become frustrated and angry with me before but this was entering Fatal Attraction territory. I half expected to come home and find Sparky boiling on my stove, and for that someone would have to die.

So, being the bright guy that I am I shall henceforth refuse to accept friends without knowing with 100% certainty who they are. I probably should’ve known and done that anyway, but what the hey. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

But now, because of this little Facebook exchange, every time Sparky barks at night I’m sure it’s Stella, who for all I know could be a 45-year old male serial killer with murderous intent.

So, if there’s anything to be learned from all this it’s probably that I’m an idiot.

Horrifying thought – does she read this site? Did I post anything from Shoe: Untied during the couple of days she was my “friend”? I didn’t, did I? The mind reels.

Just checked. I did not. I think I’m good. Wait. Somebody’s at the door . . .

[Originally published on December 6th, 2012.]

“A recent study has found that stalking was far more prevalent than anyone had imagined: 8% of American women and 2% of American men will be stalked in their lifetimes. That’s 1.4 million American stalking victims every year. The majority of stalkers have been in relationships with their victims, but a significant percentage either never met their victims, or was just acquaintances – neighbors, friends or co-workers.” – The National Institute of Justice

I’m pretty sure I’ve never been stalked (maybe once), nor have I ever been a stalker. Well, that is if you don’t count Mary Jo Ridgeway back in 7th grade. Man, she was pretty. Long blonde hair, cute little upturned nose, funny . . . it seemed like she was stalking me because everywhere I went she was 10-steps in front of me. I could never figure out why I made her uncomfortable. Hmmm . . . I wonder where she lives now? I might be able to find her address online. Wait . . . never mind.

Seriously though, back in the day I don’t think the word “stalker” referred to anything regarding women, at least not anything creepy or you know, illegal. So, when I originally heard most of these songs I’m about to list nothing ominous came to mind at all. In these paranoid enlightened times, however, some of the old lyrics take on a whole new, darker light. See what I did there? Darker light? That’s what sets me apart from your average blogger. But on to said songs.

Let’s start with, when you really listen, one of the creepiest songs ever recorded:

Every Breath You Take” – The Police (click on all song titles to view the videos)

Yep, one of 1983’s biggest hits was about obsessive love to the max. Read on . . .

Every breath you take
And every move you make
Every bond you break, every step you take
I’ll be watching you.

Every single day
And every word you say
Every game you play, every night you stay
I’ll be watching you.

Seriously, has anybody ever checked to see if whoever this song was written about is still alive? Jeepers.

“Run for Your Life” – The Beatles

This gem from John Lennon seems harmless enough, at least until you actually listen to the lyrics. It was on Rubber Soul and John pulled no punches regarding what would happen if his girlfriend left him:

Let this be a sermon, I mean everything I’ve said,
Baby, I’m determined and I’d rather see you dead.
You better run for your life if you can, little girl,
Hide your head in the sand little girl,
Catch you with another man, that’s the end, little girl.

Yikes. Hear that? Lennon will gut you, girl. How in God’s name did those lyrics get past the record company honcho’s way back in 1965? This, my friends, was an early indicator that those friendly moptops weren’t as innocent as they seemed.

The More You Ignore Me the Closer I Get– Morrisey

Listen, I love Morrisey and I loved his former group The Smiths, but this dude was having some serious issues when he wrote this nugget:

Beware !
I bear more grudges
Than lonely high court judges
When you sleep
I will creep
Into your thoughts
Like a bad debt
That you can’t pay
Take the easy way
And give in
Yeah, and let me in
Oh, let me in
It’s war.

Nice of him to throw in “It’s war” there at the end, don’t ya think? Sort of caps off the sociopathic feel of the tune. Precious.

Lily (My One and Only)” – Smashing Pumpkins

This one is pretty cut and dried, and I mean “cut” literally. I mean, singing about hanging in a tree and watching a woman sort of speaks for itself.

Lily, my one and only I can hardly wait ’til I see her
Silly, I know I’m silly ‘Cause I’m hanging in this tree in the hopes that she will catch a glimpse of me
And through her window shade I watch her shadow move I wonder if she…
Lily, my one and only Love is in my heart and in your eyes
Will she or won’t she want him, no one knows for sure
But an officer is knocking at my door.
And through her window shade I watch her shadow move
I wonder if she could only see me, and when I’m with her,
I feel fine If I could kiss her I wouldn’t mind the time it took to find My Lily,
My one and only, I can hardly wait ’til I see her
Oh, Lily, I know you love me,
Cause as they’re draggin’ me away I swear I saw her raise her hand and wave goodbye.

Creepy, especially that last line. Whadda visual. Which reminds me of . . .

The Creep” – Lonely Island w/ Nicki Minaj

How can you not include a song with this verse?

And they knew I was a creep since the day I was born
Get popping out of momma like some kettle corn
And the doctor saw my head and he starting freaking
Cause I came clean and I came out creeping.

Really? “Popping out of momma like some kettle corn?” And trust me, you really have to watch the video (again, click on the song title) on this one. It truly speaks for itself. Make sure and watch it in all its freaky, unsettling glory.

Have mercy.

Obsession” – Animotion

Pure 1980s synthesizer stalk-pop. Check out these lyrics:

You are an obsession, I cannot sleep
I am a possession unopened at your  feet
There is no balance, no equality
Be still I will not accept defeat.

I will have you, yes I will have you
I will find a way and I  will have you
Like a butterfly, a wild butterfly
I will collect you and  capture you.

Did I miss something? Was this considered romantic in the 80s? Wait a second . . .you know, now that I re-read that it is sort of sexy in a different sort of way.

I’ve said too much.

O . . . K, before I expose my innermost feelings regarding love and stuff, let’s finish up with this classic song:

Love Ninja” – Andy Dick and the Bitches of the Century

Yep, it’s that Andy Dick. And on a related note, I just realized that I mentioned The Beatles and Andy Dick in the same blog. I hate myself right now. What the hell, just watch the video . . .

There are a few other songs that missed my list, including Carly Simon’s “You Belong to Me” (written by Carly and Michael McDonald and also recorded by the Doobie Brothers), Death Cab for Cutie’s “I Will Possess Your Heart”, and Elvis Costello’s “I Want You/I Hope You’re Happy Now”, great stalker songs all. I’m pretty certain I’ve missed a few though, and I’m just as certain my faithful readers will point them out to me.

Thanks for that in advance, kids. See ya on down the road.

Originally published on August 26th, 2012.

It’s a bird!

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M&Ms were created so that military soldiers could enjoy heat resistant and easy to transport chocolate during war.

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Enchanting.

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Every Thursday is garbage day. And every Thursday 3-year-old Brooklyn Adracke is glowing with anticipation as she waits for her favorite person in the world, Delvar the garbage man. Last Thursday was Brooklyn’s birthday and she really wanted to share one of her cupcakes with Delvar. She stood and waited with the cheeziest smile, until Delvar finally arrived. Then, that following week, Delvar showed up with a surprise of his own.

Awww. Check out the whole story told in photos below.

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I was pulling for Pumas in this matchup. Those Tachira guys are assclowns.

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A few days ago a couple of women were waited on by a gay waitress and left the following “tip” on their bill. How they knew she was gay wasn’t explained in the article, but the so-called “tip” along with the message that was added has evoked strong feelings from all sides. Check out the receipt first, and my comments are below.

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Listen, everyone has a right to their opinion on anything and everything. As far as I’m concerned it’s all a part of life’s rich pageant. That said, I think most people know how I feel about this. It pisses me off. No matter how you feel religiously or morally about an issue, it’s no reason to punish somebody who is trying to do their job. Bottom line, if you get good service you should leave a good tip. And my goodness, the self-righteousness of these people is breathtaking. You know, for some reason the note at the bottom angers me more than the bible verse left in the tip line. For the record, and there are as many translations of this verse as there are translations of the bible, it reads as follows:

“If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them.

Clearly that can be interpreted a few ways, but that’s another story. As I said, for me the “praying for you” at the end is the real kicker. To be so smug to think that somebody needs your prayers because their sexual preference is different than yours is laughable to me.

Note: I know this is a controversial subject, but spare me the hateful messages. Wait. On second thought, bring it on. I’ll pick the 5 most intolerant and ignorant and write about them. Blog material! Woot!

So Zac Efron is in the new Baywatch movie, and the other day they were filming the famous “running on the beach” scene. As you can see, things didn’t go well for Zac. Embarrassing. Hasselhoff never took a header like that. Get it together, man. On a related note, The Rock may never speak to the kid again.

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Cool.

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Arachnophobia, man.

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These guys are hilarious. If you want to see the ultimate Key & Peele video, watch The Substitute Teacher. Classic, man.

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I’d change some things but pretty well done.

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I always knew Kobe patterned his game after Michael, but this is amazing.

Interesting.

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Scientists found that whether blind-folded or not, people who were asked to walk in a straight line without a point of reference to follow will walk in a circle.

 

man

In yo face.

fly

Hot takes. Dumb, but hot.

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A Tale of Two Mechanics

Posted: April 26, 2016 in Humor, WTF?
Tags:

repairYeah, so I have a question for all my mechanic friends out there. And hey, before somebody tries to beat me over the head with a tire iron, please understand that I have no idea what the policies are at your average everyday auto repair shop. No idea whatsoever. So keep that in mind when reading of my experience a few weeks ago with a couple different local shops.

And no worries, I’m not going to use any names or throw anyone under the proverbial bus, I’m just going to relate my story and maybe get some feedback from a few people in the know.

It all began when my Jeep started stopping for no apparent reason. I’d be driving down the road and boom, the engine would just stop, deader than a doornail. I’d coast to the side of the road and it would start right up again. Weird. Still, not something you want happening during rush hour on the 270 bypass around Columbus.

So, I took it to a guy in town that I’ve done business with before. I like the owner and most of the guys who work there, but there’s one guy who sort of rubs me the wrong way. See, I know nothing about cars or engines, so I’m basically at a mechanic’s mercy when I have a automotive problem. This particular guy always sort of makes me feel stupid, smiling and shaking his head when I ask a question, stuff like that.

Anyway, this guy asked what the problem was and I told him. Then he explained that he wasn’t 100% sure how to fix it but but he had something he was going to try. At that point I asked him if I would be charged if his idea didn’t work, and here was his response:

“Let me explain something to you. Sometimes you go to a doctor and get some sort of treatment and it doesn’t always work. You still have to pay him, right?”

Well, yeah, but I didn’t want to pay the guy as he kept trying new things into infinity, ya know? Made no sense to me. Plus, the smug way he said it sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Still, since I’ve always had good experiences in the past at this business I went ahead and let him work on my Jeep at a charge of around $100.00 because the dude was “pretty sure” he’d taken care of the problem.

The next day I’m driving and sure enough, the Jeep dies right in the middle of the road again. I coasted over, started it back up, and went on my way. Then, 5-minutes later, it died again. Of course the next morning I it took it back in and the guy was befuddled as to how that happened, almost acting as if it was somehow my fault. After awhile I realized he didn’t have any other “things to try.” Eventually I just left decided to have somebody else look at it, since I was pretty much done with the guy who couldn’t figure out the problem.

The next day I took it to another guy’s place, explained the problem, and here was his response:

“OK, let me take a look and give you a call later.”

A couple hours later he called to say it was ready. I had somebody take me in to pick it up, and when I asked what I owed I got this answer:

“Let’s wait and see if what I tried works. Drive it for a few days. If it’s fixed we can settle up later.”

Of course, it was fixed and I went in and paid him 3-days later. I’ve had zero issues since then.

So, I ask you. What’s the normal policy for mechanics? Do you pay whether the vehicle is fixed or not? Did I get screwed out of $100.00? I think I did, right?* Should I have asked for my money back? Or was the second guy just exceptionally nice and trusting?

Seriously, somebody enlighten me.

*I told you I had no idea regarding the policies of repair shops. I’m totally at their mercy, man. Bear with me over here.

Get it in ya.

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