Archive for September, 2018

Flying Great Whites? Flying Great Whites.

Luggage upright? Check. Handles facing upward? Check. Tags visible? Check.

Japan, man.


Ladies and gentlemen, meet Soddy-Daisy High School’s athletic director Jared Hensley. Listen, I’m about as non-PC as they come, bit this guy is nuts. I was trying my best to believe the guy might be joking, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sound serious as hell. How in the world would he ever think this is OK to say in 2018? I mean, I’ve known some dumb administrators, but . . . never mind, just watch.

While researching our last story, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied came upon the fact that the prehistoric Dunkleosteus had a staggering bite of 8,000 pounds per square inch. That inspired me to dig further, so I assigned intern Bradley Dirkens the task of finding the Top 10 current animals with the strongest bite. And by the way, our researchers found that results varied wildly. Because of this we averaged our findings. Here’s what the Dirkster found:

Human – 162 psi

On the grand scale of living creatures, this is very low. Good thing we’re smart, amirite? On a related note, I once had a 3rd grader named Jimmy Turkle who I’m pretty sure had a psi of 573.

Jack Russell – 200 psi

I chose the Jack Russell because of my beloved Sparky. He is small but mighty. What Spark lacks in bite he will make up for in attitude and spunk. I also use every excuse I can think of to post photos of my best friend.

The Spark.

Rottweiler – 325 psi

Meh. Pretty sure Spark could take him.

Cougar350 psi

The cougar is second among the big cats. You’ll see who tops this guy shortly.

Gray Wolf406 psi

Wow. Thank God there have been no recorded attacks of wolves on humans in recorded history, despite what you’ve seen in movies.

That stare though.

Giant Otter – 450 psi

Don’t let that cute face fool you, kids. This dude can rip your face off. Giant Otters, man. There are videos of them defeating alligators.

Bring it.

Mastiff – 556 psi

Factoid: The Mastiff has the strongest bite among dogs.

Lion – 691 psi

Ah. The King of the Jungle. But his bite isn’t close to the most powerful among animals, as you’re about to see.

Alligator Snapping Turtle – 1,000 psi

Wait. A Turtle? Yes, a turtle. And a badass turtle indeed. Guys, imagine swimming and this guy takes a bite out of your . . . never mind.

Cutie.

Hyena1,100 psi

This innocent looking bro sort of looks like a cute dog, but he has a bite stronger than a freakin’ lion. ‘Nuff said.

Grizzly Bear – 1,160 psi

No shocker here. Grizzlies have the rep, and it is well-deserved. Crush your skull like you read about.

Polar Bear – 1,200 psi

Don’t let those Pepsi commercials fool you, folks. The Polar Bear is a stone cold killing machine.

Silverback Gorilla – 1,300 psi

Is it me or do most people not think of gorillas as biters? I usually think of them as having brute strength. Either way a bad day for whoever is on the receiving end.

Jaguar – 1,500 psi

The Jaguar. It’s bite is stronger that that of a lion or tiger. It can also crush skulls with one snap of its jaws.

Hippo – 1,800 psi

Many people don’t realize this, but more humans die from being killed by hippos yearly than any other animal. Plus, they’re way faster than you think.

Great White Shark – 4,000 psi

This should come to the surprise of nobody. You know, Jaws and whatnot.

Nile Crocodile – 7,000 psi

Holy Mother of God that’s one helluva bite. Dude could snap a human in half in an instant, and has many times for that matter.

Rat – 7,500 psi

Rats, man. They can gnaw through wood, concrete, and even steel in some cases.

PS- The rat is not included in most of the “strongest bite” articles. Not sure why but I’m sure there’s a reason.

Stay out of our water, ya filthy human.

Listen, I love pizza. I also love candy corn. But do I love the idea of candy corn pizza? Hell no I don’t. Hey, I also love peanut butter and shrimp but I’ll be damned if I want them combined. That’s just wrong. man. Whoever invented this pizza is evil, has no soul and has the heart of a demon. Disgusting.

Ever heard of Dunkleosteus? It is one of the most terrifying fish ever to have roamed these Earth’s oceans. This bad boy lived 360-million years ago, and how it died out is a mystery to all. Once you hear about this badass you’ll know it’s unlikely he was killed off by predators. By studying fossils we’ve found some truly horrifying facts about the big guy.

To begin, he really was a BIG guy. 30-feet long to be precise. That’s a big fillet kids. But that’s not all my friends. The Dunkleosteus crushed its prey with its own skull. And get this – Dunkleosteus didn’t have a single tooth in its head. Instead, its entire skull was covered with bony plates that acted as armor and formed two long “fangs” – one each on the top and bottom jaw. Holy moly. Not scary enough for y’all? Those fangs were self-sharpening. As it opened and shut its jaws, the edges of its fangs rubbed together, creating friction. Over time, this kept them perfectly sharpened into razor-edges weapons of death. Is there anything that could make this prehistoric underwater dinosaur any more frightening? There is – its jaws were able to snap shut with 8000-pounds of bite force per square inch. Holy Mother of God, this thing made Jaws look like a guppy. Here are some glamour shots of ol’ Dunky. Check him out:

 

 

 

Silly cat.

100%.

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I still don’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

PS- Adelbert Ames can go to hell.

In Denmark studies have found that it’s okay to drink a standard serving of alcohol per day when you are pregnant. According to social norms, not only is it okay, it is expected.

In 1953 an Air Force radio squadron operator was the first American to receive word that Soviet leader Joseph Stalin had died. The operator’s name? Johnny Cash.

This is beer, battered and fried. The beer is poured into little ravioli pockets which burst with scalding suds upon first bite. To make it, the beer is placed inside a pocket of salty, pretzel-like dough and then dunked in oil at 375 degrees for about 20 seconds, a short enough time for the confection to remain alcoholic. When you take a bite the hot beer mixes with the dough to create a delicious taste sensation. And yes, kids, you have to be 21 to eat it. Deep Fried Beer, an idea whose time has come.

Check out that Pelican Spider, man. Dude really does looks like a damn pelican. The most interesting thing about these guys is the fact that their main source of food is . . . wait for it . . . other spiders. Creeping up to the web of another spider, the Pelican Spider taps the web to mimic the struggling movements of a captured insect. Its long neck and fangs then reach into the web without it being captured. Once the spider comes close, the Pelican Spider’s “beak” stabs the prey and injects venom through the fangs from its tip. After a struggle, the prey is dragged out of the web and eaten. That’s just diabolical, man. Anywho, Pelican Spider.

Eat pizza like it’s your job? Now it can be.

Portable pizza oven company Ooni is looking to hire 10 pizza taste-testers who will get paid anywhere from $300 to $1,000 a day. For the job, you will have to make your own pizzas, whether experimenting on your own pizza recipes or following the company’s recipes and tweaking them, and the company will pay for all ingredients.

The most important quality is having enthusiasm for cooking and a love of pizza.

Once hired, pay will be determined based on how much time can be invested. Applicants can choose how many hours to work a day, which should be mentioned in the application.

Ooni is interested in “novices to professional pizzaioli,” Darina Garland, co-founder of Ooni, tells CNBC Make It.

Hold on, let me work on my letter of application. Ok, got it:

Dear Ooni,

First off, your name sounds like it might belong to a beautiful, exotic lady, rather than a portable pizza over company. Love it. Secondly, I fit your requirements perfectly. I’m not a professional pizzaioli but I do love pizza. All kinds of pizza. I’ll eat anything as long as it’s on a pizza. Well, maybe not pineapple because that’s gross. Also anchovies. Don’t care for those. Oh, and spinach. Eww. I also had a pizza with lettuce on it once that was just horrific. But other than those I’m all in. As for cooking, I’m learning to handle my new crock pot like a boss and nobody mans a toaster oven like this guy. As for having the time, hell, I’m wide open.

Let’s do this Ooni. I’m your guy.

Sincerely,

Shoe

PS- I once invented a sandwich consisting of toasted bread, Cheese-Whiz and Cheez-Its. It was christened the Sweet Cheezuz. Google it.

PPS- In retrospect perhaps I should’ve addressed my letter to Darina Garland. Oh well.

 

 

 

Technology & Science: An unusual visitor has been hanging out in the St. Lawrence River for the past three years: A Narwhal, more than 700-miles south of its usual range.  But the lone narwhal is not alone — it appears he has been adopted by a band of Belugas. Narwhals live in the icy waters of the Arctic, including those surrounding parts of Canada, Norway, Greenland and Russia. They typically don’t range any farther south than northern Quebec’s Ungava Bay, located south of the southern tip of Baffin Island. In the drone footage captured by GREMM researchers and posted on their website Whales Online, a pod of nine or 10 Belugas swim closely together near the surface, rolling and rubbing against each other. “They are in constant contact with each other,” Michaud said. “It’s a like a big social ball of young juveniles that are playing games.” Nobody is sure how the little Narwhal ended up so far south, but he’s been accepted by the group and has even picked up their habits.

Well, well, well. In a world divided by race, politics and religion, along come the animals to show us how it’s done. Different colored little dude comes rolling in one day, appearing a little weird with a 3-foot tusk jutting out of his head, but do you think these baby Belugas give a tuna’s ass? Hells to the nah. They accepted the little lost bro like he’s one of their own and now he’s swimming merrily along with his gang, just rolling and rubbing against each other like best bud Belugas do. Animals, man. Just telling Trump to suck it like you read about.

PS- Honestly, do you think the Belugas are talking behind the Narwhal’s back? “Hey Ned, what’s the deal with that horn sticking out of Barry’s head? Dude looks like Janet had sex with a swordfish or something.”

PPS- There are whales in the St. Lawrence River? What the hell?


It’s common knowledge that smart phones have turned most of us into mindless, unimaginative automatons who are losing our ability to interact with each other like the human beings we’re supposed to be. How many times have you seen a couple at a restaurant, heads down, looking at their phones? Passed a car and saw the driver, head down and looking dazed and confused into his mobile device? I know the answer. Of course you have. And hey, I’m no exception. It’s a constant battle for me as well. With all that said, I shall now give you a stark example of how life as we know it has been forever changed by the smart phone.

To begin, I give you this photo of a golf gallery watching Tiger Woods in 2002. Just look at everyone. Taking in the moment, not wanting to miss a second, all eyes on Tiger, soaking it in and embedding the moment into their memory forever . . .

And now, let us fast forward to 2018. Same golfer, different gallery, different time . . .

Yep. 99% of the people are not actually watching what’s happening. They’re watching the moment, and their life, through their cell phones.

I weep for the future of humanity.

Terrifying Fact: People spend an average of 4.7 hours of a day looking at their smart phones. Watch the video below to have your mind boggled.

Although children had been servants and apprentices throughout most of history, child labor reached new extremes during the Industrial Revolution. Children often worked long hours in dangerous factory conditions for very little money. Children were useful as laborers because their size allowed them to move in small spaces in factories or mines where adults couldn’t fit, children were easier to manage and control and perhaps most importantly, children could be paid less than adults. Appalling but true.

Not-So-Fun-Fact: In 1900, 18% of all American workers were under the age of 16.

In 1908 a true American hero named Lewis Hine picked up his camera and became the photographer for the National Child Labor Committee. For 10-years Lewis traveled across the country documenting child labor despite constant threats from factory owners. At the time the owners wanted to keep the immorality of child labor away from the public’s eye. However, Hine kept it up and never wavered. Sometimes he wore disguises (such as a fire inspector or a bible salesman) to snap pictures and interview the children working at factories or in the streets.  Lewis Hine used his camera as a tool for social commentary and reform, and it worked. Risking his own safety Hine snapped thousands of photographs with one goal – to end child labor. It took years, but in 1938 the Fair Labor Standards Act set national minimum wage and maximum hour standards for workers in interstate commerce and also placed limitations on child labor. Bottom line, next time one of your kids complain about taking out the garbage or mowing the lawn show them these photos. Wild to look at today, but an important to know and remember.

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Ryan Fitzpatrick is a backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He’s played previously for the St. Louis Rams, Cincinnati Bengals, Buffalo Bills, Tennessee Titans, Houston Texans, and New York Jets. He played college football at national powerhouse Harvard. He’s started the first 2-games for the Bucs in place of #1 draft pick Jameis Winston, who is currently serving a 3-game suspension. Fitzy has responded by throwing 8-touchdown passes, just 1-interception, and has completed 78.7% of his passes in two victories. He is also handling his notoriety with both style and aplomb. Ryan Fitzpatrick is a National Treasure.

PS- I would trade Jameis Winston today.

PPS- If you didn’t know, that’s a Conor McGregor look. Der.

Nobody writes titles like me. You’re welcome.

Eh, low odds for the most part. Go nuts.

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Take a look at that Ogre-Faced Spider, man. Dude has eyes the size of dimes. While most spiders have eight eyes but poor vision, the Ogre-Faced Spider is named for its bizarre, elongated face and enormous “posterior median eyes.” This little dude has exceptional night vision and clarity of view, enabling prey to be precisely tracked and targeted. Chills, man. Want more? This guy is the answer to a human net fisherman, brothers and sisters. With special hairs on its legs and remarkable dexterity, Ogre-Faced Spiders weave a unique, net-shaped structure instead of a typical web. The net is held between the four front legs and hurled upon passing insects that are either flying or walking. W-h-u-u-u-u-u-t? The flying prey are captured in a backward flinging motion, while a walking insect is caught when the net is pushed down onto the unfortunate creature. Diabolical. Watch that video below to see the Ogre-Faced Spider throw that net like the badass he is. Anywho, Ogre-Faced Spider.

What follows are the first few words of The Crisis, Thomas Paine’s first article in a series of articles called The American Crisis. These words helped galvanize our country in its battle for independence from Britain at a time when our situation was looking extremely bleak. These words still ring true today, nearly 242-years later . . .

December 23, 1776

These are the times that try men’s souls. The summer soldier and the sunshine patriot will, in this crisis, shrink from the service of their country; but he that stands by it now, deserves the love and thanks of man and woman. Tyranny, like hell, is not easily conquered; yet we have this consolation with us, that the harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph. What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly . . .

Amazing, powerful words indeed. A couple days later, on the evening of December 25th and morning of the 26th, George Washington turned around after having been pursued by the British Army for weeks. He crossed the Delaware, attacked the dreaded Hessians, won a stunning victory, and ignited a fire of hope within the American cause. The rest, as they say, is history.

Animals, man.

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Marshawn Lynch is a professional football player. Sports fans know him well, and this is the image that comes to mind when they think of him.

However, Marshawn’s high school grad photo has recently come to light, and it has blown the minds of football fans everywhere. Why, you ask? Because he looked like freakin’ Urkel.

That is all. Thank you and goodnight.