Posts Tagged ‘Stupid Baby Names’

So in honor of NFL quarterback Cam Newton naming his son “Chosen” yesterday, I give you something I wrote awhile back. Enjoy.*

*Seriously, he named his kid “Chosen.” No pressure, kid.

So Kanye and Kim (also known as Kimye) named their new baby North. Get it, North?

North West? Genius. And by genius I mean dumb. Anywho, I shall now rerun my posts regarding stupid baby names, with updates included. Why? Because I care.

Let us proceed . . .

I was skimming through a magazine at the dentist’s office the other day and ran across an article about new American baby names. I think it’s a pretty well-known fact that Americans have pretty much lost their collective minds when it comes to naming children. It used to be pretty easy, just name the kid John or Robert or Mary or Sally and move on. Oh, we had the nutjobs in the ’70s like Frank Zappa who named his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit, but overall it was pretty simple. My best friends as a kid? Dave, Tom, Ted and Jeff. Today? No, it has to be something completely unique, something nobody else has ever used. For the love of God, Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. I assume Banana is next, followed by Grape and Muskmelon? Jeebus. Here are some recent samples I found online, followed by my biting commentary. Let’s start with the boys:

Blayde. They must think the added “y” really puts it over the top. I’m assuming they’ll name the next boy Nyfe? Or maybe Daggir? Mashetty? Sabre? Shank? Good Lord. Wait. What about Shiv? I actually sort of like Shiv Shoemaker. Sounds badass.

Chesney. Three words – country music fans. What’s next, Urban? Wait, that one’s taken. On the other hand, Cash is pretty cool for a first name. Still, if somebody names their kid McGraw I’ll become unglued.

Sketch. Really? Sketch? SKETCH? What, Doodle wasn’t available?

Draven. Really? Aren’t you pretty much guaranteeing your kid take up Black Magic and become a Warlock if you name him Draven?

Diesel. As you may or may not have read, I had a kindergartner a couple years ago named Diesel who was the epitome of cool. Until he shat his pants, of course. After that, not so much. If your name is Diesel you’d better be able to back it up.

Izander. What? Sounds like someone from the Land of Ize.

Jaydien. Here’s what bothers me about Jaydien. The extra “i”. Totally unnecessary. Kid’s going to have to spell the name out every time he checks into a hotel or gives it to someone over the phone.

Zaiden. Of course we have Zaiden. Next will come Zayden. Or Zaydien, as in Jaydien.

Sigh. Enough of the dumb boy names. The girl names can’t be so pretentious, can they? Can they? Oh God . . .

Brook’Lynn. Apparently the apostrophe is a new trend. What’s next, Me’Gan? Kel’Le?

Luxx. This is the epitome of the horrible “new” baby names. Luxx. Sounds like a nemesis of Superman or maybe a brand of sweeper.

Copelia. Does that sound sexual to anyone but me?

Fallyn. Sounds like an angel that has fallen from grace or something. Just depressing.

Tybee. This sounds like a late night infomercial brand name. Get the new Tybee Fruit Juicer Now! One-time offer only!

Joplyn. Being a classic rock fan, I actually like this. In fact, I think a family of Joplyn, Jimi, Morrison, and Croce would be pretty cool if you ignore the fact that they were all named after people who died before they were 30.

Jerrika. Presumably has a father named Jerry and a mother named Erika? If my parents used that logic I’d be named Ralphthryn or Kalph.

And how about the names celebrities have given their poor kids? Check these out:

Kal-El. Yes kids, Nicholas Cage named his son after Superman. ‘Nuff said.

Moxie Crimefighter.  This is the name given to Penn Jillette’s daughter. Penn Jillette is a magician, and by the time Moxie is 12-years old I’m guessing she’ll want daddy to disappear. You know, for cursing her with that ridiculous name.

Pilot Inspektor is Jason Lee’s kid, whoever that is. Here’s a hint for ya, Jason. If you type a name and spellcheck puts that squiggly line under it, it’s probably a stupid name. I actually looked this up, and Inspektor is Swedish for inspector. That tells me nothing other than that Jason Lee is an idiot.

Blue Ivy. Yep, Jay-Z and Beyoncé named their kid Blue Ivy. Sounds like a trendy restaurant those Hollywood types would go to. I can hear it now. “Hey, I hear the Gluten-Free Panna Cotta at the Blue Ivy is fabulous.”

Rainbow. Actually, probably not a bad choice for that Playboy chick Holly Madison’s baby, since Holly’s fame is sure to be rainbow-like. And by rainbow-like I mean short-lived.

Bob Geldolf, lead singer of the Boomtown Rats and Live Aid organizer? He named his kid Fifi Trixibelle. That’s right. Fifi wasn’t enough. He then followed it up with another Toy Poodle name, Trixibelle.

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni named their kid . . . Kyd. Good Lord. Kyd? Why not Baybee? Chylde? Yungin? Anklebyter? Infynt? Whyppyrsnappyr? OK, I’m just rambling now. Sorry.

Bono, lead singer of U2, has named his son Memphis Eve. Yep, his boy is named for the night before Memphis. I don’t get it either.

Actor Rob Morrow named his kid Tu. Get it? Tu Morrow? What’s next, Candy Barr? Smelly Beaver? I hate myself right now.

But back to Kimye’s kid, North. North West. I can assume their next kid will be South? Go? The mind reels.

Wait. They won’t be together in a year so all this speculating is irrelevant. Never mind.

There were a lot more but I’m becoming too depressed to include them. But seriously, folks, don’t be afraid to go old school with the baby names. There is nothing wrong with naming a kid Max, Sam, Jack . . . even David. My general advice would be to keep it simple, but what the hell do I know? Do what makes you happy, but remember there are no guarantees I won’t make fun of you.

But seriously, SKETCH?