Posts Tagged ‘Cartoons’

Note: I originally wrote this way back in 2012. I have no idea what I was thinking at the time.

Isn’t it about time? I mean really? Admit it, as soon as you read that headline you were intrigued. Seriously, once this idea popped into my melon I knew I had a winner. It’s a blog that’s sure to bring forth opinion, debate, even outrage. Everyone is sure to have an opinion.

Anyway, I really had only one rule when putting this masterpiece together, and that rule was this – no superheroes. It would have been way too easy to put Superman at quarterback, Flash at running back, stick the Incredible Hulk at middle linebacker and call it a day. But n-o-o-o-o, not this writer. I wasted half an evening thinking this baby through.

And so, without further ado, I give you my All-Time Cartoon Football Team. Feel free to offer up your opinions in the comments section. As always, I’ll ignore them completely.


Quarterback: Bugs Bunny


Plus, he’s a lefty. Who knew?

Duh. How can you argue with Bugs Bunny running this team? He’s crafty, imaginative, sneaky, and always comes through in the clutch. Plus, after eating all those carrots his field vision has to be off the charts. Sure, he’s a bit on the thin side and doesn’t exactly have a bazooka for an arm, but neither does Drew Brees.

Bonus: Once did a movie with Michael Jordan.

Tailback: Sonic the Hedgehog


Mean little mutha.

Now we’re talkin’. This little swine can flat-out fly. He’ll zig when expected to zag, turn on a dime, and has a mean streak to boot. I mean, look at him. That’s a game face, my friends.

Negatives: Well, he’s a hedgehog.

Fullback: Tazmanian Devil


No helmet required, man.

Are you kidding me? Is there anyone else to even consider? How in the world can anyone expect to bring this guy down? He’s a whirling dervish of unstoppable madness. Need a yard? Taz will get you an acre.

Negatives: He scored a -7 on the Wonderlic Test.

Wide Receiver: Speedy Gonzalez


“Areeba areeba, undalay undalay!”

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Too small. Sure, he’s not much of a target, but hey, this rodent can flat-out motor. And I know he has small hands, but he’s impossible to overthrow and has a can-do attitude. Another bonus is that he can get lost in a crowd, sorta like Julian Edelman.

Downside: Insists on wearing a giant yellow sombrero the size of Oprah Winfrey’s skull, which tends to slow him down.

Wide Receiver: Inspector Gadget


Yes, that’s a propeller up there.

Eight words my friends – telescopic arms that come out of his hat. Thank you and goodnight. PS – The propeller won’t hurt either.

Tight End: Bullwinkle


Just noticed how much he’s thinning on top.

Like Taz, not the brightest moose on the block but when he crosses the middle nobody, and I mean nobody wants to take him on. Who wants a mouthful of those antlers? Plus, he inexplicably has hands and not hooves.

Negative: His constant companion Rocky the Flying Squirrel insists on showing everyone his nuts.

Offensive Tackle: Magilla Gorilla


Original Beast Mode.

Holy Smokes, ya think this guy can clear a hole for Taz or Speedy? You know it dawg.

Negatives: He smells like rotten bananas, and his second cousin ripped a lady’s face off a few years ago.

Offensive Tackle: Fat Albert


Bill Cosby’s voice seems creepy as hell now.

Simply put, the originator of the Pancake Block. While eating pancakes.

Downside: Lacks stamina and has an alleged rapists voice.

Center: Fred Flintstone


Yes, I found a photo of him bowling. Hey, I’m a pro, man.

Fred may be the greatest cartoon character athlete that ever lived. Seriously, have you ever seen him bowl? There have been seminars given on that one-of-a-kind tippy-toe style release. Classic. And those big hands, made strong from working in the Slate Rock & Gravel Company, can grip the ball like a vise.

Weakness? He’s sort of whipped at home if you know what I’m sayin’. Gets locked out of the house a lot.

Guard: Barney Rubble


Those black, soulless eyes though.

The chemistry between he and Fred is a given, plus Barn has a low center of gravity you can’t coach.

Negative: He’s 3-feet tall.

Guard: Porky Pig


Trousers schmousers.

Alright, I admit he’s a little soft, and I’ve heard he may lack some sizzle. Still, I’m betting when the going gets hot he’ll bring home the bacon. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull a hammy. I hate myself right now.

Negative: Refuses to wear pants.

Kicker: Quick Draw McGraw


Kicks like a horse. Because he’s a horse.

For you youngin’s who aren’t familiar, Quick Draw McGraw is a horse. A horse that stands upright. A horse with a very strong leg. Yes, his style could be described as unorthodox (OK, he kicks backwards) but if he’s lined up correctly he’s money. Rumored to be close friends with noted football mind Huckleberry Hound.

Downside? Let’s just say the trainer needs to keep a shovel handy.

Holder: Lucy Van Pelt.


Don’t do it Chuck!

Lucy, that jerking-the-ball-away-at-the-last-second trick may work on poor Charlie Brown, but it may be a mistake trying it with old Q-Draw. He can take down a barn door for God’s sake. Careful young lady. Careful.

Negatives: Tough to run a fake field goal in that dress.

Return Man: The Road Runner. ‘Nuff said.


Linebacker: Popeye


Once swallowed his pipe on a hit over the middle.

Supply this sailor man with enough spinach and it’s curtains for anybody trying to cross over the middle. As Pop says, “I yam what I yam.” And what he is is one bad mofo. In addition, he can expect a big endorsement deal from the folks over at Bird’s Eye.

Downside: His upper arms are the size of pick-up sticks.

Linebacker: Optimus Prime


And you thought JJ Watt was intimidating.

Holy smokes. This half-man half-machine will be a whole-man wrecking machine for the D on this squad. He’s a little slow, but that’s overshadowed by his sheer size and strength.

Negatives? When it rains he’s been known to short out.

Linebacker: George of the Jungle


Dude has steroids written all over him.

Sure, he’s a little out of control, and he’s not the sharpest stick in the rainforest. Still, his power and agility make him perfect for the 3-4 defense. The fact that he can’t count to 3, much less 4, is irrelevant.

Negatives: There are no vines on a football field, so there’s that.

Linebacker: Hong Kong Phooey

Wait. Is that a bathrobe?

Wait. Is that a bathrobe?

The Phooey theme songs says it all my friends: “Hong Kong Phooey, he’s the #1 Super Guy, Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.” And let’s just say that when Phooey brings out his patented “Phooey Chop” the fat lady starts singin’.

Negative: The officials have really been cracking down on the on-field karate chops.

Defensive Tackle: Jolly Green Giant


The allegations involving his little friend Sprout have never been substantiated.

Well, here’s a no-brainer if there ever was one. Talk about a fierce pass rusher. Think this guy could get a hand up in the passing lane? What is he, like 20-feet tall? Plus he’s, uh, green. That alone will throw a guy’s timing off.

Negative: He reeks of peas.

Defensive Tackle: Foghorn Leghorn


Lead with the beak. Lead with the beak!

Lemme tell ya, this rooster is one hard drivin’ cock. Big on the party circuit, this D-Lineman knows only one direction – straight ahead. Cock-a-doodle-indeed. I swear I don’t even know what that means.

PS – I hate myself even worse right now.

Defensive Tackle: Skeletor


“Bring it, Belicheat.”

How would you like to line up across from this dude? He has kind of a bad attitude, but you might too if you were a 7-foot hooded bluish humanoid with a yellowish bare-bone skull, had no eyes and sported a head that floated magically over your shoulders with no visible connecting tissue.

Upside: Once made Tom Brady shit his pants.

Defensive Back: Woody Woodpecker


The original peckerhead.

Are you serious? Talk about pesky. This hammerhead can make life absolutely miserable for any diva receiver he’s asked to cover. Plus, the ladies love him. Something about that name.

Negative: Suffered severe head trauma when metal goalposts were invented. Nobody told him the wooden ones had been replaced.

Defensive Back: Atom Ant


Atom Ant needs no facemask.

What can I tell you? He can lift 250 times his own weight, has superspeed, and can fly. And oh, by the way, he hits like Lawrence Taylor on a coke binge.

Downside: Is prone to leaving games abruptly to raid picnics.

Defensive Back: Mighty Mouse


“Don’t worry ladies. I’ve had my shots.”

Again, he’s undersized but packs a nasty wallop. His signature move is a vicious uppercut that brings an opponent to his knees.

Negatives: He’s known to carry a variety of life-threatening diseases.

Defensive Back: Yosemite Sam


The epitome of bow-legged.

Man, I’d like to see Ndamukong Suh pull his crap on this gun totin’ sumbitch. Sure, he’s a short-tempered outlaw, and Lord knows you can’t let him around Bugs Bunny, but this surly little DB will stick to an opposing wideout like stink on a train hoppin’ hobo.

Negative: Prone to stepping on his mustache.

Head Coach: Wile E. Coyote

Always thinking . . .

Always thinking . . .

This guy has designed more schemes than Belichick and Lombardi combined.

Downside: None of them ever worked.

So there ya have it, kids. Irrefutable proof that I have no life.


Originally posted on April 13th, 2012.