Apologies to Egg, Tweet, Harley, Grinch Dog and Many More: Nicknames I Have Bestowed

Over the years I’ve given hundreds of nicknames to students, maybe thousands. I’m not even sure how it all started, but start it did. Some names have stuck for a year or two, some through high school, some, well, forever. In an odd way it’s sort of cool to know that a 37-year old former student is now only known by a name you bestowed upon them in 7th grade. That said, I thought I’d talk a little about some of the more interesting and memorable nicknames I’ve cursed people with over the years.

Before I begin, let me just say a couple of things. First off, I know I’m going to forget a few good ones. If so, please let me know and I’ll add you to this blog. Secondly, if I once gave you an unfortunate name that happened to stick and you’re not real thrilled about it, I humbly apologize. Public ridicule and shame were not my intentions. All is good fun, ya know? You do know, right?

So, I guess I’ll just list some of the names I remember and add some comments as I go. Remember, this is as I recall things, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong. Here are a few legendary nicknames . . .

• Egg – It’s hard to top this one. Hell, even Egg’s dad calls him Egg. In fact, he’s been Egg longer than he was Mike. I bestowed it upon him as a 7th Grader back in the 80’s and it stuck like stink on a skunk. Egg is now past 40, and he’s still Egg. I can’t recall if I called him that because he was built like an egg or he had an egghead. I’m sure he’ll let us know.
• Flapper – I’ve actually had three Flappers over the years, and they all got the name because they flapped their gums too much. The first is now on the BOE of a nearby school, a school at which I applied for an administrative position a few years ago and never even got a call for an interview. Something tells me somebody may still hold a grudge . . .
• Harley – This was given to a girl named Amanda, with the last name of Davidson. I called her Harley the first day of school in 6th grade and she immediately became Harley to everyone forevermore. She played varsity basketball, and even the local paper referred to her as Harley. By that point most people thought her name was Harley. However, her mom insisted she use “Amanda” at graduation, much to the dismay of all. Not sure about her wedding.
• Bobblehead – Bobblehead earned his name by having a large head as a little kid. He finally grew into it, but it was too late. He’s Bobblehead forever.
• Iron Butt – I once paddled this kid and the paddle shattered, the end helicoptering down the hallway. From that point on? Iron Butt.
• Marty – This was for a little girl named Missy Brenneman, so of course I thought of Red’s announcer Marty Brenneman. There ya go. When my class composed letters to famous people that year I believe she wrote to the real Marty B and he responded.
• Littlest Ninja – I cannot recall the origins of this one. Perhaps Spencer will remember.
• Psycho – Trust me, if you knew this kid you’d understand. At the end of the year he was given the coveted “Most Likely to Slaughter a Family” Award. Which leads me to . . .
• Psycho Gerbil – Kid could make a face that looked exactly like a psychotic gerbil. You’ll have to trust me on this one.
• Cheese Cracker – This girl ate a lot of cheese crackers.
• Speck – I gave this name to a tiny 5th Grade girl, much to her mother’s chagrin. Apparently she liked Taylor better.
• Tweet – This one was easy enough. He looked like Tweety Bird. Chirped like Tweety Bird too. Still does.
• Weasel – This was a perfect fit. Weasel played basketball for me, and if there was ever a player that lived up to his nickname, he was it. He just sort of snuck around on defense, weaseling up and stealing the ball all the time. Still referred to when discussing PV basketball lore as The Weasel.
• Weeble – See Egg. He wobbled but he never fell down.
• Mouse – I’ve had a couple mouses (mice?) and oddly enough the name had nothing to do with size. Which reminds me of . . .
• Rat – I once had a 6th grader that closely resembled a White Rat. Easy choice.
• Ziffle – Bestowed upon my man Andrew Pfeifer and I know not why. Shortened to Z later.
• Sally – Sally was a 6’-5” male basketball player. I have no idea why I gave him the name. Maybe I thought he was playing like Sally at one point? I dunno.
• Hank – I gave this to a girl named Erin. Get it? Erin? Hank Aaron? Like I said, my brain roams freely at times.
• Cowhead – This one was given to a boy with a particularly large head, which I thought was cow-sized. How one of these kids hasn’t tried to murder me is beyond comprehension.
• Carp 1 – I gave this to a player of mine who resembled a fish. He had a little brother, which led to . . .
• Carp 2 – See Carp 1
• The Cure – The Cure was a kid who played basketball for me back in the early 90’s, and I thought, because of his hair, that he looked like he could be in that alternative band. Hence, The Cure.
• Curious – The weird thing here is, this kid had ears like the monkey in the old Curious George comic, and his last name was actually George. Destiny I tell ya. Meant to be.
• Poco – A little 5th grader who reminded me of Pocahontas.
• Elway – Given to a kid (Scott Willis) who bore a striking resemblance to former Denver QB John Elway.
• Bevo – I named this kid Bevo after Bevo Francis. His last name was Francis, so . . .
• Doody – This kid looks like Howdy Doody, and he owns it.  He likes the nickname so much he dressed like Howdy Doody for Halloween. And it was exquisite.
• Boomhower – I had a player who reminds me of the Boomhower character on King of the Hill. Including the mumbling.
• King of Queens – I had a student who was, and still is, a dead ringer for Kevin James. He’ll always be King of Queens to me.
• Kraken – Again, a player on one of my teams. I can’t explain it because I’m not really sure what a Kraken looks like, but the way he moved reminded me of one.
• Hootie – His real name is Darius, and Darius Rucker was the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish, so . . .
• Hairball – Again, not the most flattering name for a kid but what the hell.
• Pretzel – So named because he could lay on the floor and twist like a pretzel. Seemed appropriate.
• Stitt Happens – Y-e-a-h . . . no idea how I got away with this one. Understanding parents I suppose. Anyway, her last name was Stitt, so . . .
• Grinch Dog – You know the little dog in the How the Grinch Stole Christmas? The cartoon from back in the day? Remember how the Grinch used him as a reindeer? For some reason I had a student whom I thought looked like that little dog. And don’t worry, she didn’t mind and in fact loved it. We still laugh about it today.
• Brick – Her last name is Shouse, so I was always singing, “She’s a brick, shouse . . .” I know, dumb but I can’t help myself.
• Weiner – His last name was Meyer, so I somehow was thinking of Oscar Meyer Weiners, I suppose. On a related note, Weiner, I am so sorry.
• Schmedlap – This classic was given to a kid I had at PV in the 90’s. Why I would christen a kid Schmedlap is beyond me. What I do know for certain is that I’m a horrible person.
• Gerbil – Gerbil’s claim to fame is putting a pencil in his mouth, standing sideways, and letting me fire a rubber band at him from close range, circling the pencil. Gerbil was fearless.
• Koob – Well, we were trying to come up with a nickname for Kameron, and somebody suggested Booby for some unknown reason. That didn’t seem very nice, so a voice from the back of the room quietly said, “Koob.” Everyone laughed, and it stuck. Note: The kid who said “Koob” was Bobblehead.
• Chuckles – Given to a girl named Charlize. Charlie, Chuck, Chuckles. I swear that makes perfect sense to me.
• Skeeter – I got nuthin’ here. No recollection, but I still call her Skeeter to this day, and she’s 35-years old.
• Swag Monkey – This girl could climb like a monkey in gym class, and did it with confidence and a swagger. Swag Monkey.
• Home School – This is one of those nicknames that could possibly raise eyebrows, and I gave it to a little girl who’d been home schooled until 4th grade. And you know what? She loves it.
• Cheese Wheel – I had 3-kids in a 5th grade class who were all allergic to peanut oil, so we obviously had to be really careful. One day I brought some Cheese Wheels as a reward and was passing them out. One boy wasn’t sure if he could eat them because of his allergies, so he offered a Cheese Wheel to another allergic kid to test for him. She simply looked at him like he was nuts, we all laughed, and he was promptly christened Cheese Wheel.
• Big Daddy Wags – Given to a kid with the last name Wagoner.
• Kara with a K – The first day of school I was asking names, and she snapped, “It’s KARA! WITH A K!” I made sure nobody ever forgot it.
• The Amish Outlaw – This one stemmed from an unfortunate haircut.
• Meebling – No. Freaking. Clue. That said, he looks like a Meebling, whatever that is.
• Catfish – If you knew Catfish you’d know this was the perfect nickname, though I can’t exactly explain why.
• Critter – Again, if you knew this kid in Junior High you would agree that it fit. If there ever was to be a kid that should be named Critter, Vernie was the kid.
• Atomic Shelbow – Given to a sweet girl named Shelby. No earthly idea why.
• Suicidal Tendencies – I know, I know, it sounds like a horrific nickname, but this kid was named after a rock band from the late 80’s. I think it was because of his blue, spiked hair.
• Pig Pumper – I have no earthly excuse for giving a nickname such as this, especially to an otherwise wonderful, sweet young lady. Sorry Pig Pumper. You know who you are.
• Smokey – I caught him smoking in the bathroom. This one is totally on him.
• Stinky – I think you can figure this one out.
• The Franchise – I have named two kids The Franchise over the years. One became a Division I basketball player. The other is a freshman basketball player from whom I expect great things.
• Doughnut – Last name is Duncan. You figure it out. I never said I was original.
• Hammer – Original name? Hammerhead. This kid had the hardest head I’d ever seen. Once ran full-bore into an iron ball cage and never blinked and eye.
• Doofus – My friends, I tried desperately to talk this kid out of the nickname after I blurted it out one day, but he loves it.
• Twinkie – I swear to God this kid ate a Twinkie every day of his life for lunch.
• X – The coolest thing about X’s nickname is the fact that every time we see each other we give the “X” sign with our forearms.
• Cupcake – Great name, for now. However, this kid’s gonna be about 6’8” one day. Then it’ll just be weird.
• Boosh – This fellow made the mistake of confessing his admiration for George W. Bush one day.
• Chopper – Apparently this one stemmed from a dream involving a helicopter. My dreams have always been vividly strange.
• Kohl Man – I always sing this name to the tune of Sam & Dave’s “Soul Man.” “He’s a Kohl man . . .”
• Hooter – Amazingly, “Hooter” didn’t have the connotation in 1987 as it does now. Hell, there was a band called The Hooters and nobody made the boob connection. Oh, and Hooter was a dude named Jeremy.
• Wombat – If you ever saw a photo of this kid and a wombat side-by-side you’d totally get it.
• County – There’s a great story behind this nickname of one of my basketball players, but it’s way too long and involved to explain here.
• Rooster – This nickname came from a spectacular haircut with some spike action on top and a mullet in the back. Rooster had a party in the front AND the back.
• Spanky – No way I’m going there, but it involved a suspension for some, shall we say, inappropriate behavior.

So there you go. I’m sure the list will grow as I get feedback but these are the nicknames that came to mind.

And why some parent hasn’t punched me in the neck is beyond me. I have no idea where some of these names came from, but what I do know for certain is that I’m not a very nice person. Just kidding folks. Kids love nicknames.