Archive for December, 2014

This has always been my favorite New Year’s Eve song. The first video has lyrics, the second is performed live.

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Tears on the dance floor.

I love how the guy is oblivious to the fact he destroyed this woman. Look, I got a foul ball!

Map of the Day: The Map of Horror

Posted: December 31, 2014 in Maps
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Ohio is represented nicely.

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Read the following statement. Although written almost 75-years ago, it could have been written yesterday.  Amazing. Read on . . .

We have developed speed but we have shut ourselves in:

Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want.

Our knowledge has made us cynical,

Our cleverness hard and unkind.

We think too much and feel too little:

More than machinery we need humanity;

More than cleverness we need kindness and gentleness.

Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost.

– Charlie Chaplin, in the final scene of The Great Dictator (1940)

Yep, that’s dress alright. And I love how all the ass-kissers are cheering him on even though he’s clearly awful at this. Anywho, Biebs skateboarding badly in a dress.

So there are actually people on television stating that they believe this was an accident. Those people are morons. Anyone doing this by accident would have a) Immediately picked their foot up and not lifted their other foot up, putting full weight on the ankle, and b) Turned around and shown some remorse for his actions. 100% intentional, without a shadow of a doubt.

Yep. Pretty much.

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Take 15-minutes and enjoy.

I swear to God I watched this last night and almost had a heart attack. I thought this guy was surely going to whip out a machete and murder this poor girl. Just creepy as hell, gliding up there with a soulless grin like an evil spectre or something. Chilling.

That’s not how it works, Corey. At all.

Did it cross anyone’s mind to, you know, maybe disarm this guy? Nothing ruins a wedding like a murder, man.

Fascinating.

Sports in 2014. Enjoy.

Posted: December 28, 2014 in Sports, Things I Love
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Good stuff.

I had your back today, Sly.

My razor-sharp wit won again today.

Sort of.

I was rolling through Chillicothe when I came to a stop at a light. I had the windows down and the sunroof open so Spark and I could enjoy the nice weather and, as always, I had my music playing. Not too loud, mind you, but loud enough I suppose. After almost 50-years of listening to rock music rather loudly and going to hundreds of live shows the old ears aren’t what they used to be.

Anyway, as I’m sitting there at the light a couple of kids, around 16-17 years old, cross in front of me. I notice one of them take a furtive glance at me but I thought nothing of it, as I tend to frighten some people before they get to know my engaging and magnetic personality.

But just as the kids reach the curb, one of them looks back and yells, “Hey! Your music sucks!” Then the other kid flips me off.

What the hell?

Well, at that point Sparky became unglued but I sat there stunned for a second. My next thought involved running them down, but I dismissed that idea as possibly a little too radical.

At this point a more mature easier-going person might have let it slide, but I couldn’t for a few reasons.

First off, the kids were smartasses. Secondly, you don’t criticize my musical tastes. Thirdly, the song that was playing was by Sly & the Family Stone, and the kid who yelled was African-American for God’s sake. That made his actions, in my mind, doubly egregious. I mean, Sly was cool and had one of the first-ever interracial bands. Be proud of your musical heritage, kid.

But something clearly had to be said, right? This kid had no idea who he was dealing with. Remember that I had only a second to come up with this killer retort:

“Oh yeah? Well, YOU suck!

Zing! Killer line on my part.

“And you’re short!”

Burn! Then I went in for the kill.

“And fat!”

Too far?

Then, since I was turning in the direction they were walking anyway, I thought I’d throw one more stinging barb in the their direction.

“And ugly!”

At this point they seemed terrified a little frightened and probably thought I was following them, probably because I sort of was. I was also sort of afraid they were going to start yelling, “STRANGER DANGER! STRANGER DANGER!”, so I thought it best to move on.

Since the sunroof was open, though, I took the opportunity to return to them the old “We’re Number 1!” sign as I motored off.

Keep in mind Sparky was yapping and snarling the entire time, so it was a quite exciting 30-seconds.

Overreaction? Probably. A better man would have smiled and laughed it off. Did I lower myself to their level? More than likely. Do I need to grow up? O.K.

But hey, it made me feel better.

And man, I hate it when people don’t recognize good music.

Monsters exist.

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Just checking out the garbage. Nothing to see here.

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Just getting a better angle for the Coconut Crab’s legendary “Skull Crusher Death Drop.”

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On the count of three we take out the dog. 1 . . .2 . . .

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The last known photo of Al Gonkwin, taken seconds before his larynx was ripped out by Charlie the Cocunut Crab.

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I’ll go for the eyeballs and you go for the throat. Ready, set . . .

You know those times when you’re at a wedding or dance club and somebody just goes out there and owns the dance floor? Those times when everybody just stops and watches? Those times when people just freeze, amazed at the dancing skills being exhibited?

This is not one of those times.

Emphasis on “erected.” Good God.

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Boom. Roasted.

Apparently Santa masks were a thing back in the day? Good Lord.

WARNING: May be nightmare inducing.

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untitledWAUSAU — A slim spruce covered in tinsel and dusty Christmas decorations has stayed parked in Neil Olson’s living room for 40 years now, and it somehow has retained its needles over those four decades.

“Most of ’em don’t last,” Olson, 89, said. “The needles are kept on for a reason. It’s supernatural, I say.”

Olson put up the tree in 1974 when two of his six sons went off to serve in the Vietnam War. He planned to take it down when he had all six boys home again for Christmas at the same time.

He’s still waiting for that day.

Five of the kids live in Wausau. But the eldest, who is disabled, lives in Washington state and has been unable to make the journey back to Wisconsin at Christmas.

“I bet you if my sixth boy comes home, the needles will drop right off,” Olson said.

As the boys grew, married and had families of their own, the tree has remained as they moved on.

“It’s part of the furniture,” Neil said of the tree. “It’s like family now. I hate to take it down.”

Neil Olson suspects that the tree has set a world record for longest-standing, all-natural Christmas tree.

Listen, I hate to be a wet blanket, a bearer of bad news for an 89-year old man and his dreams. Neil Olsen of Wausau, Wisconsin really thinks he has a supernatural tree there and I’ll be damned if I tell him differently. That said, one thing is clear to me.

That’s a fake Christmas Tree.

Look at the way some of the limbs are pointed all haphazardly and whatnot. Ol’ Neil put up a fake tree and forgot about it, and his kids are either having a laugh at the old guy’s expense or don’t have the heart to shatter his dream. After all, the tree is “like family now.”

And how about a little fact-checking on the part of the reporter here? How hard would it have been to walk over and touch the artificial tree?

Again, I hate to be a Scrooge here, I really do.

That said, supernatural tree my ass.

The Scary Snowman is back!

Posted: December 25, 2014 in Humor, Pranks
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I love the Scary Snowman.

Can’t wait for this one.

Interesting, although totally useless, information.

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Rocked.