Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

I see you Scandinavia.


Rare photo of a perfect couple.

So I found this list on another blog, a site called Staked in the Heart, which is maintained by Carolina Courtland down in the Lone Star State. Anyway, Carolina ran across an interesting list that had been compiled by a woman blogger. This list included 27 requirements that her next man must meet. 27? Good God. I compiled my own requirements of a woman by the way, which can be read down below. Trust me, it’s a lot shorter. So, I thought it might be fun to go through her list and see if I might be dating material for this lady. Wish me luck! My comments will be italicized.

Let us proceed to her list:

1. Honesty/Integrity/Loyalty/Sincerity/Values/Priorities – No flirting with other women allowed.

Wait. That’s just one? Jeebus. That’s way too much to expect from one guy, amirite? I mean, I think I can be all of those things, just not all at once. In addition, I’m a little fuzzy on the priorities thing. I’m assuming she means she should be the top priority? And the flirting thing is just dumb. Flirting never hurt anybody. Wait. Never mind.

2. Best Friend/Confidant.

Oh Gawd. I have to be all those things in #1, and now I have to be your best friend too? In addition, I’m always suspicious of people who say they’re “looking for a best friend” in a relationship. See, these are two completely seperate deals. Your best friend should be there for you to talk to when you want to say something you can’t say to your wife or girlfriend in the first place, right? If she’s your best friend, who do you go to, say, after an argument? It just doesn’t work on any level. I’m sorry, but there are certain things best discussed with somebody else.

3. Confident/Secure.

Well, I think I’m pretty confident and secure, but everybody has a vulnerable side, no? I thought women were supposed to like it when you cried? Not so much then? Women are confusing.

Note to self: Never watch “Marley and Me” with future dates. That death scene gets me every time.

4. Self-awareness.

Huh? Aren’t we all self-aware? You know, except the Kardashians? Isn’t a 3-toed sloth self-aware? It knows it’s slow, right? I’m getting a headache.

5. Humility – knows/accepts when he’s done or said something wrong and can apologize (no excuses, but rather reasons).

Score! I’m great at the apologizing thing. So this will work with you, honey, and get me off the hook after I screw-up? Call me.

6. Responsible/Dependable.

I wonder if one out of two will work on this one. I’m pretty dependable depending on the expectations, like showing up for work, being on time for stuff and whatnot. However, the responsibility thing has been an issue a million few times in the past.

7. Chemistry/Passion/Intensity/Sexual Compatibility.

Must . . . be . . . careful . . . here. The problem is that everybody has physical chemistry/passion/intensity/compatability in the beginning. It’s later, when all the newness wears off and you have to, you know, actually talk and communicate with each other that more important things come into play, like being compatible intellectually and emotionally. On a related note, that was one of the longest sentences ever.

8. Respectful.

Does she mean to her or people in general? Because respect is earned, right? Or does she mean opening doors for her and stuff like that? Should I call her Ma’am? Bow my head as she passes? Curtsy? Once again, clarification is needed to be sure I pass this one.

9. Non-procrastinator.

I’ll get to this one later. Hey-O! Too easy.

10. Must be good to me and FOR me (as well as for my children…i.e. male figure, role model).

Jeez lady, ya think? Do you really have to write down that you have to have someone who will be nice to you and your kids? Who have you been dating, Charles Manson? Also, I need clarification on the difference between being good FOR you and TO you. I mean, parsnips can be good FOR you. I have no idea where I’m going with this. On to #11.

11. Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA.

Big snuggler here, not a problem. I’m King of the Cuddlers. As for the PDA, I’m a little torn on that one. If you’re talkin’ holding hands or putting an arm around your shoulder I’m with ya. Pinning you to the wall in a restaurant? Well, there’s a time and place for that, you know? 7:00 AM in an IHOP m-i-g-h-t be a little weird.

12. Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time.

What does this even mean? That there should be a balance between these four? If so I’m cool with it. And by “alone time” does she mean alone time for me or her? If it’s for me, I support this wholeheartedly.

13. E.Q. – the ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts.

I actually just took an online Emotional Intelligence Test to see what this was all about. Apparently a lot of the Fortune 500 companys give these to their job applicants. Here are my results:

Your results indicate a high score on emotional intelligence. People who score high on emotional intelligence tend to be skilled at interpreting, understanding, and acting upon emotions.  They are adept at dealing with social or emotional conflicts, expressing their feelings, and dealing with emotional situations.

Hear that? I’m adept and all that stuff. Who passed requirement #13 with flying colors? This guy.

14. Conversation/Communication skills.

If I like you, I’m quite the conversationalist and communicator, perhaps  even charming. If I don’t like you, not so much. Unfortunately I only like about 7.3 % of the people I meet. That’s an unofficial percentage but I feel supremely confident in my estimate.

15. Shares all household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/bills etc).

Ruh-roh. I may be in some trouble here. Let’s see . . . I’m a helluva sweeper and I hate a messy house so I keep things neat, but I can’t cook worth a damn. I wish I could, but microwave dinners, hotdogs and peanut butter sandwiches just about cover it for me. Ooh, wait! I also make an outstanding Cheez Whiz/Cheez-It toasted sandwich which I’m pretty sure I invented. If you didn’t like me before that put me right over the top, didn’t it?

16. Ambition/Dreams/Goals.

Sorry sweetie, my life-long dream of being a world famous rock ‘n’ roll record producer has long since been surrendered to the mists of time. Does it count that I love what I do for a living? As for goals, I’m just shootin’ for tomorrow.

17. Non-abusive.

Seriously? Again, did she really have to add this to her list? Sweet Jesus, I’d hate to see what kind of asshats this woman has been dating.

18. Vulnerable.

I believe I addressed this in #3. You know, the Confident/Secure requirement. So, to reiterate. She wants a man who is confident, yet vulnerable. That’s not asking for much. Seriously though, I’ve been in relationships where it seems like the moment I opened up and showed my sensitive side things started going south. Sometimes I think women talk a good game about wanting a vulnerable man, but in reality they prefer the tough, edgy, bad guy. They love to break through that hard exterior and find your soft side, then when they find it they’re not so fond of what they see. For those really attracted to vulnerability though, you should probably know there’s a tear in my eye as I write this.

19-20. Compassionate/Empathetic.

I took the liberty of combining these two although I know they’re a little different. But we all want these qualities in somebody we’re in a relationship with, right? For that reason alone it’s just dumb to include them. I mean really, whose looking for a merciless and unsympathetic soul mate, anyway?

21. Willingness to grow.

This is all fine and dandy unless her version of “growing” doesn’t match my definition of “growing.” If she means trying a new dish or listening to a new artist I’m down for it. If she means watching the entire series of Star Trek: Deep Space 9 then I’m probably out.

22. Boundaries.

Boundaries schmoundaries. Again, that’s one of those therapy psychobabble buzzwords that really mean “Know your place, mister.” Still, as long as the boundary doesn’t stop at third base I can roll with it. Kidding.

23. Work Ethic.

What the hell is this, an interview to be a cowhand or something? Am I putting in a freaking patio for this lady? Good God. Isn’t holding an honest job enough?

24. Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing.

Enriching? What am I, fertilizer? Nurturing? Can you say daddy issues? Challenging? Oh, I got that covered. Honey, the challenge is to keep this thing interesting and exciting.

25. Financial stability.

I’m a teacher. I’m not rich. Not even close. Deal with it.

26. Sense of humor.

Der. If you don’t find me hilarious by now you’ve wasted 10-minutes of your life you can never get back.

27. And maybe even more….

Seriously, for #27 she actually had the nerve to threaten us with this line: “Maybe even more.” What could it possibly be? “Must have heart of gold, abs of steel and a $10,000,000 bank account?” Comedy gold I tell ya.

As I mentioned up top, after much thought and consideration I compiled my own list of requirements for that special someone. Here ’tis:

1. Must be intelligent.

2. Must be able to make me laugh.

3. Must be reasonably attractive.

4. Must be in reasonably good shape.

5. Must be nice to me.

6. Must love dogs, especially a certain 20-pound Jack Russell Terrier that I would die for.

End of list.

So, do you agree that this lady’s list is a little over the top? Or is this common thinking among women? I’m curious to know, cause I’m 99.9% sure this woman is never going to find her perfect guy, if such a creature exists.


Originally published on May 12th, 2013.

Remember back in the day when the Health teacher would seperate the boys and girls and give those sex education classes? I think they’d take place about once a year. Good times. Anyway, one year they came and took all my 7th grade boys off to learn about the birds and bees while I was left with the girls. The boys were gone for an hour or so before they started trickling back in to my class. The last kid in was a little fellow named Vernie, who I’d always thought was funny as hell. Being the dumbass bright young teacher that I was, I thought I’d ask Vernie how everything had gone with the sex lesson. Yes, I asked that right in front of a class comprised of 13-year old boys and girls. That’s wise. Here’s the exchange: