Archive for the ‘Gifs’ Category

Bad omen.

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Listen, I love animals but holy Hell that’s a monster. Actually it’s an Australian Flying Fox, which is really a big ass bat that has come to have somebody for breakfast. Seriously, can you imagine walking out your front door and seeing that beast staring at you? Sweet Mother of God.

This dog, this fence. On a related note, yikes.

Kingston: A Jamaican man has been hospitalized after having a part of his penis bitten off by his neighbor’s dog.

The man, named locally as Neily, had been chatting to his neighbor over her gate in Stony Hill, north of Kingston, Jamaica, when her dog attacked.

He told a Jamaican newspaper that the dog had pushed its nose through the metal bars of the gate and snapped its jaws around his genitals. “The dog pushed its mouth through the metal because I was standing close to it, and it bit me on my penis,” he told The Weekend Star. “I will not be going near that dog again.”

Having a bad day, boys? Tough day at work? Boss being hard on you? Wife picking at you over those beers you had with the boys last night?  Perhaps the kids are being pains in the asses? Well, I don’t want to hear it. Why? Because you’re not Neily of Stony Hill down in Kingston, Jamaica, that’s why.

PS- Ol’ Neily handled this whole tragedy well, didn’t he? Just matter-of-factly telling us what happened. And good call Neily – I wouldn’t go near that dog again either.

A bride in Canada has launched a foul-mouthed tirade against her friends and family after blaming them for the cancellation of her dream wedding.

The unbelievable story went viral after shots of the bride’s ridiculous rant were posted to online, showing her slamming guests for refusing to give her $1,500 to attend the wedding.

The bride, Susan, took to Facebook to announce the cancellation of her wedding 4-days before the event, blaming guests for not funding her event.

The post starts with Susan announcing the cancellation of the wedding and that her and her partner have split due to “recent and irreparable problems”.

“Before I begin this mini-novel, I invite all of you to put yourselves in my shoes,” the jilted bride wrote.

“For once, let me take the stage and voice the most painful few months of my life.” She then goes on to explain how she had always dreamt of having a huge “blowout” wedding but as her and her partner had only saved $15,000 they turned to their guests to fund the $60,000 event. They told guests they had to send $1500 if they wanted to be invited to the wedding and were absolutely shocked when hardly anyone coughed up.

“I SPECIFICALLY, I mean SPECIFICALLY asked for cash gifts,” she wrote.
“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamt of without proper funding?”

The bride became increasingly upset when people weren’t giving them the money they requested. Eventually all of the bride’s friends and family turned on her, including her fiance, over her obsession with having a huge wedding.

She ends the rant by telling everyone she is cutting off all the friends and family who refused to give her money and that she will be in South Africa backpacking for the next two months to get away from this “awful society”.

I’m rarely at a loss for words, but I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Just kidding, I’m never at a loss for words. Anyway, $1,500 to attend a wedding? Were the Foo Fighters playing and do I have a backstage pass? Because if not that ain’t happening, sister. What in the holy hell happened to getting the happy couple a toaster? Maybe a personalized doormat? May I suggest a Magic Bullet Blender from Best Buy for the low price of $29.99? Honestly though, this may be the most delusional, entitled human being I’ve ever heard of. Here’s hoping Susan has an encounter with a Green Anaconda whilst backpacking in South Africa.

PS- Seriously man, people should be paid to attend weddings, not vice versa. Watching the wedding party dance into the reception makes me cringe every time. I hate forced choreography.

PARTY!!!

Astronomers estimate a mountain-sized 1,300-foot wide asteroid could hit our planet in 2032.

It was discovered moving through a nearby constellation and stargazing chiefs in Britain, Italy, Spain and Russia have added it to list of potentially dangerous asteroids. If it did hit, an impact could flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. It was spotted by Gennady Borisov from the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory in the Ukraine.

He warned: “The first observations show that it moves quickly and is relatively close.”

The asteroid has been named 2013 TV135, and if there is an impact, it could cause an explosion equivalent to 2,500 megatons of TNT – more than 50 times greater the biggest nuclear bomb ever detonated. Scientists say we really shouldn’t worry too much though. The chances of the asteroid actually striking the planet are 1 in 63,000, although scientists will reevaluate the chances of an impact in 2024.

Do these people think we’re idiots? Hey, we’ve all seen Armageddon. Nothing to worry about my ass. Nothing except a rock the size of a freakin’ mountain hitting the earth at 30,000 miles per hour with the energy of a 1-million megaton bomb that will flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. Happens all the time.

Fun Fact: If an asteroid the size of a house crashed on Earth at 30,000 mph. It would have an amount of energy roughly equal to the bomb that fell on Hiroshima. Woohoo!

And I can hear the news in 2024. “W-e-e-e-l-l-l-l, the odds are now down to 1 in 6,000. We’ll reevaluate in 2028.” Chills, man.

So yeah, everyone can relax here on the Big Blue Marble. We have 14-years left before we’re all obliterated by ol’ 2013 TV135.

PS- Thanks Gennady Borisov of the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory. I had no idea that asteroids “moved quickly.” That’s some deep science stuff right there.

PPS- Stargazing Chief is an awesome job title. Sounds way better than Nerd Scientist.

PPPS- Lame name, man. 2013 TV135? Really? I’d have named it something like Death Star 3000 or Butch or something. Maybe Maximus.

PPPPS- Imagine you knew the planet was going to be wiped out next Friday. Can you think of anyone you’d exact revenge upon before the end? Yeah, me too.

 

Key Largo, FL: A crocodile had a little support while crossing a canal in Key Largo, Florida, earlier this month — a yellow pool noodle.

The creature was caught on camera resting on the pool noodle as it swam across the water near mile marker 105 of the Overseas Highway, a 113-mile road that runs through the Florida Keys.

“I saw the croc off my balcony swimming up the canal,” local Victor Perez told Fox News on Wednesday.

And so the world takeover by the animals has begun. The Great Adaption if you will. Bears walking upright. Goats screaming like humans. Dolphins guarding nuclear missile sites. My dog Sparky conning me out of my recliner. The list goes on.

Now, crocodiles are learning to use pool noodles. I’m telling you man, next thing you know the ducks will be using Uzis and at that point we’re all screwed.

PS- Anybody wonder what happened to the person on the noodle?

 

We’ve all walked out of movies asking questions like, “Why in the hell did Mary open that damn basement door?” Movies can be confusing, man. I remember walking out of the critically acclaimed Momento wanting to pound a roofing nail into my ear with a ballpeen hammer. I hate those reverse chronology movies or movies where they jump around different time frames. It warps my delicate brain, dude. Anyway, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied, after some extensive research, has come up with 23 of the most mind-boggling plot holes in movie history. Take a gander . . .

In Armageddon, wouldn’t it have been easier to train astronauts how to drill than train drillers to become astronauts? See? Gourd blown already. Told ya.

In Gremlins, the one thing everyone knows is that you should never, ever feed them after midnight. But isn’t it always after midnight? At what point in the day does it become before midnight? I’m getting a headache.

In Gravity, when Kowalski asks Stone to let go of him because the rope will not hold them both, that’s scientifically incorrect. It could never happen because they are both in the same orbit around the earth. A short, simple tug would have brought him right back to her. Der.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy escapes and his empty cell isn’t discovered until the next morning by the Warden, who yanks away the Raquel Welch poster on the wall to discover a hole. How was Andy able to reattach the poster from inside the tunnel?

Note: I may have figured this one out. If he left the top attached he could have simply let if fall back down into place. Maybe?

In Transformers, Sam has put a pair of glasses on eBay. By unfortunate coincidence, these are exactly the same glasses that the Decepticons are looking for because they contain the roadmap to where the All Spark is. However, we later learn that the Decepticons can hack into the United States military network with ease, so surely they could place a bid on eBay. Maybe they didn’t have a PayPal account?

In The Karate Kid the referee repeatedly outlines that there will be no kicks to the head allowed. This is all before Daniel wins the final fight. With a kick. To the freakin’ head. Illegal move. Johnny wins.

Come on, man.

In Edward Scissorhands, Edward carves giant sculptures. Where did the ice come from? The film is set in a warm climate. And how would he have carried them?

 

In Toy Story, if Buzz truly does not believe himself to be a toy and in fact a real space ranger, why would he freeze around humans like the other toys do?

In Taken, Liam Neeson’s daughter goes on holiday with a friend to France before getting abducted and being sold into the sex trade. Neeson then travels to Paris and kills about 50-people to get her back. But why isn’t the friend ever mentioned again? Does she not have any family that care about her? Sorry, Liam Neeson’s daughter’s friend.

In Planet of the Apes, the video history of the crashed Air Force ship makes it very clear that the planet is uninhabited when they landed. A race of apes develops because they had a bunch of them on board. The humans on the planet are descendants of the original crew. One question – where the hell did all the horses come from?

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Hitler would have died if Indiana Jones wouldn’t have gotten involved. Think about it. Had the Nazis discovered the Ark it would have presumably been opened in Berlin and melted Hitler’s face off rather than some random Nazi soldier’s.

In Batman Begins water pipes burst, and sewer covers explode, all because of the Ra’s microwave emitter. But since the human body is composed of 75% water, shouldn’t everybody in the city have died when the device was triggered?

In The Hangover, Doug was on the roof for 2-days without anyone knowing. The fact is that in Vegas every square inch (with the exception of restrooms, guest rooms and employee locker rooms) in a casino is covered by surveillance cameras. There’s simply no way that Doug could have been on the roof for two days without someone seeing him and sending security to investigate.

In Ocean’s 11, where do the flyers come from that are in the bags that are carried out of the vault and into the van? Danny and Linus couldn’t have taken them down there and there is no room with the Chinese dude. They are carried out to the van before the SWAT team appears, which means they’d have to have been in the vault to start with. Huh?

In Back to the Future, things work out and Marty manages to ensure his mother ends up with his father and not him. So how come his parents, George and Lorraine, don’t remember Calvin Klein? The kid who brought them together and inspired George’s career as a sci-fi novelist, and who looks exactly like their son?

Also in Back to the Future, Biff had tried to sexually assault Lorraine in the past. However, in the future George hires him to work on his cars, forcing his wife to see him often. What the hell man?

In The Dark Knight Rises, Bruce Wayne is a world famous billionaire playboy bachelor. At the end we think he’s dead and gone but then Alfred sees him at a café in Paris. So what made him think that in today’s world where picture-sharing technology is rampant, he could disappear in plain sight without anyone recognizing him?

In Lord of the Rings, why didn’t Gandalf just ask his Eagle friends to fly Frodo to Mount Doom?

In Terminator 2: Judgement Day Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives on earth naked because “only living organisms can travel through the time machine or machines covered with living tissue.” But where does this leave the T-1000, who is made entirely from liquid metal and therefore has no tissue matter at all?

In Signs, at the end of the movie it’s revealed that the aliens are damaged by water, yet in the beginning of the movie they are running through a dew-covered cornfield at night. In addition, 71% of the Earth’s surface is water, the human body is up to 60% water and water regularly falls from the sky. This is the planet that an alien race capable of interstellar travel chose to invade?

In Independence Day, David has an idea on how to disarm the mothership. All he needs to do is boot up his Mac, write a wicked piece of code and infect the aliens’ computer network with it. But how is this virus going to be downloaded? How can a Mac be compatible with extra-terrestrial systems?

In The Martian, Watney claims that nothing sent on the mission will burn, which is why he has to destroy the crucifix which Martinez had in his personal items. Yet, Watney is often shown writing on paper in the Hab.

In ET one of the most iconic moments in the movie happens when ET and Elliott fly across the sky on a bicycle to evade capture. So at the beginning of the movie, with government agents in hot pursuit, why didn’t ET just fly away?

So, do you have explanations for these plot holes or has your gourd indeed been blown?

Let me know, man.

 

 

So everyone knows I have a crippling fear of clowns, mainly because I’ve bared my soul to the worldwide interweb via this website. Because of this I’m constantly receiving scary clown videos, photos and gifs from so-called “friends”, and by “friends” I mean people who apparently hate me. I mean, would you give your diabetic buddy a candy cane? What the hell people? As a result of this horrific turn of events I spoke to a therapist friend who thought it would be a good idea to just throw caution to the wind and face my fears. After first thinking that my therapist friend had turned on me too, I decided to take her advice and post some of the worst missives I’ve received. Yes, what you are about to witness are my Top 10 Scary Clown Messages sent to me over the past few years. WARNING: May be nightmare inducing.

And here’s a bonus for all my clown buddies! On a related note, go to hell!

Enjoy. Descriptions not required. Click and scroll.

People, man.

What kind of videos never get old? Dog videos. Adorable.

I really have no reason to post goat photos, other than the fact that goats are cool. Check ’em out and try not to smile.

Just a little something to make you smile today.

Yep. Close.

[click to enlarge]

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

Kiss Cam Cameraman With The Save!

Posted: January 12, 2018 in Gifs, Humor
Tags:

You know how they have those Kiss Cams at sporting events? All of a sudden you find you and your partner on the Jumbotron and you’re expected to start making out in front of tens of thousands of people? Yeah, those. Anyway, sometimes things go awry. This, my friends, is one of those times. Thankfully the cameraman recovered and made the save. Enjoy.

Note: The kid’s reaction at the end is priceless.

Science Now: The origins of the Himalayan yeti myth have been revealed at last — thanks to science. Big furry animals, larger than humans and capable of walking on two legs do indeed roam the highest mountains on Earth, according to a study published Tuesday in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, a biological sciences journal.

But they’re not yetis. They’re bears.

After analyzing the DNA of nine purported yeti specimens, scientists found that five of the preserved “yetis” were in fact Tibetan brown bears, two were Himalayan brown bears, and one — a relic which looked like a fossilized hand — originally belonged to an Asian black bear.

The ninth specimen — part of a tooth belonging to a stuffed yeti in the collection at the Reinhold Messner Mountain Museum, turned out to be from a dog.

Man, this has got to be a historic letdown of epic proportions for the mythical folklore crowd, amirite? All those stories we’ve heard for years about hairy man-beasts roaming the Himalayas and terrorizing the countryside, only to find out they’re damn bears. And a dog. Bad day for ape-like entities I guess?

What’s next, we find out the Sasquatch is really a damn Irish Wolfhound? Good God.

PS- I’m not sure I’m buying it. This Proceedings of the Royal Society B sounds shady as hell.

 

 

 

Canadians, man.

Best flight ever.

For some reason I find this hilarious.

So everyone is freaking out about the interview Jim Carrey gave on E! the other day on the Red Carpet at something called the New York Fashion Awards. They’re saying he’s crazy, losing his gourd and not fit for normal society. My question is this – didn’t everyone already know he was batshit crazy? He’s sorta like Robin Williams was, just sort of demented and on the edge of sanity. Hence, no surprise here. Here’s the interview.

giphyjok

Back when I was Athletic Director at our school I pulled a pretty good prank, although admittedly it was a prank that was a little on the edge. OK, it may have been over the edge. Here’s how it all went down . . .

For reasons I don’t remember I was over in the elementary building of our school, which is separate from the high school but only about 30-feet away. I probably walked over to shoot the breeze with some little kids, because nothing can cheer me up quicker. Well, except Sparky. Anyway, I turned a corner and saw nearly 20-students standing there in a nice, organized line outside the teacher’s lounge, albeit with no teacher in sight. I soon ascertained that their teacher was in the lounge, presumably using the restroom or possibly hitting up the snack machine, I can’t be certain.

Anyway, I knew the teacher pretty and I knew all her kids, and when I was going down the line knuckle-bumping the shawties it hit me – this is the perfect time to pull a fast one.

I was going to steal her class.

Quickly and with the precision of a master sleuth I explained my diabolical plan to the kidlets – follow me and we’ll pull a great trick on your teacher.

They were in.

Oh, there were a couple new kids looking at me with trepidation, possibly even fear, but even they were overwhelmed by the wave of peer pressure brought on by the majority of little prankster imps.

With a silence that surprised even me, the little dudes followed me like lambs to slaughter. Wait. That’s probably not appropriate. The little dudes followed me like the imminent threat of death. Nah, way too dark. The little dudes followed me like little 3-foot shadows.

Bingo.

I took the class all the way to my office in the high school. We took the back way too, so no other elementary teacher could spot us and narc us out.

Once there we camped out in my office, which really wasn’t built for 18-people plus me but most of them were pint-sized so we made it work. At one point I recall our high school principal walk by, look in the room, shake his head, and continue on his way.

He didn’t want to know.

In the meantime, here’s what went down over in the elementary hallway, as told by the irresponsible teacher who’d lost an entire class of innocent children that day . . .

Upon her exit from the lounge, at first there was confusion. Then, she assumed they’d walked on down to their classroom so she went there. Nothing. It was at this point where confusion slowly began to turn to panic. She jogged to the gym. Nobody. Looked outside on the playground. Empty. Asked a couple teachers if they’d seen anything. Nada. Now she was coming to the grim realization that she had to tell the principal the unthinkable, that she’d lost an entire class of 9-year olds. Then, because I have impeccable timing, her cell phone buzzed . . .

“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?”

Oddly and inexplicably, she knew immediately upon the sound of my voice I was somehow responsible for this. How dare her?

“Shoemaker, damn it! Where are my kids! You scared the hell out of me! Bring them back!”

“Why, I have no idea what you’re talking ab . . .”

Nah, I couldn’t do it. I was laughing too hard to continue, not to mention there were 18-munchkins giggling maniacally in the background. Eventually I was convinced to return her class to her, and after taking a couple really hard shots to the sternum all was forgiven. Hey, so the kids missed a few minutes of Science class. The knowledge they gained regarding the Art of the Prank will last them a lifetime.

 

 

 

Damn giraffes, man. Just getting more brazen by the day, amirite? Bro really stuck his neck out with this heist. Grabbed that bike and was off like a boss. What the hell is the world coming to? Somebody needs to build a wall to keep these animals out of here.

Big cow guy here. Everyone knows that.  Something about the way a cow looks at you amuses me. Once I was riding my bike on a country road and stopped for a rest and drink of water. I heard a noise over my shoulder, turned, and saw something akin to this:

Adorable, man. We had a nice chat and I was on my way. I think she mooed as I peddled off. Anyway, I’m edging closer to being a vegetarian every damn day. Again, something about a cow. Enjoy, and click to peruse.