Archive for the ‘Gifs’ Category

Over the years I’ve told several stories that involved Jigger. Jigger was my brother-in-law and my principal, but most of all he was my friend. Whether it was going on vacations together, working together, or just hanging out, something interesting was always happening with him. If you don’t believe me, simply type “Jigger” into that search box on the left and hit enter. This site is full of Jigger stories.

For some reason this latest memory popped into my head the other day, and I’ve no idea why. It was the late 80s and Sis, Jigger, Twana and I had decided to take a camping trip through upstate New York.

Were we campers? We were not. Did we have camping gear? Nah. But hey, when Jigger got an idea in his head everyone sort of got swept up in the wave of his personality. It was that strong.

So, we went to K-Mart, bought some cheap gear and set out into the great unknown. The very first night we found a little campground somewhere south of Niagara Falls, parked our cars, set up or cheap little pup tents far away from anyone else, and built a fire. We were good to go.

Or so we thought.

It started around 10:00 that night as we were sitting around in our lawn chairs, having some adult beverages and cooking some hot dogs over the campfire. Somewhere, far in the distance, we heard a strange noise. It was sort of a faint wail, a cry of pain or distress from what sounded like an animal. We listened for a minute and dismissed it as being too far away to be a threat.

We chatted a few more minutes, then Jigger held up his hand to quiet everyone down, cocked his head, and said, “Is that thing getting closer?”

The answer was yes.

As we listened, the noise from the creature was indeed drawing closer and closer.

I guess we all stood up when the thing was maybe 100-yards out, wondering what the hell we were supposed to do. Find a weapon? Climb a tree? Run?

It turned out we didn’t have time for any of those, because before we could act it was upon us. There, bursting out of the woods, was an animal clearly possessed. It was a raccoon, and something was definitely wrong. Maybe it had rabies or something but that beast was crazed, man. It was running awkwardly, snapping its jaws and still screaming like a damn demented forest goblin.

The raccoon did a couple circles around the fire, sometimes on its hind legs, as we all darted around, high-stepping and screaming in panic, looking for somewhere to hide before the freak leaped up, ripped a vein out of one of our necks and killed us.

Then it turned, ran directly through the fire, and disappeared into the woods on the other side.

We all stood there in shock, staring at the smoke, sparks and flames the demon left in its wake as the wailing noises slowly faded into the night.

After a bit of time we started laughing, amazed at what had happened and how we’d reacted to it. And yes, we all decided it might be a good idea to sleep in the cars that night.

Those $12.99 K-Mart pup tents just didn’t seem like a good idea at the time.

PS- The next morning I woke up to the sounds of Jigger frying bacon over the campfire and singing “Rocky Raccoon” by The Beatles, because of course he was. 

Bonus raccoon gif because raccoons are cool.

Check out this bird bouncing a golf ball off a cart path, man. Just having fun like you read about. I wish we all could be as happy as this bird bouncing a golf ball off a cart path. Animals, man.

PS- You fun haters that are telling me the bird thinks the ball is an egg and is trying to break it open can go straight to hell. That’s a bird having fun. End of story.

 

Newshub – Dressed only in his underwear, an Australian man has heroically chased down a man who was attempting to rob his house.

Kym Ambrook was asleep in his Adelaide home on Monday, when the sound of floorboards creaking woke him up at 4am. When he went to investigate the noise, he found a home intruder. Despite being underdressed, Ambrook chased the man out of his home and yelled for his neighbours to help. ”I was out there in all me glory – I did notice I run faster naked,” he said through laughter.

Once the men had trapped the invader, Ambrook sprinted back home to grab a defense. He returned armed with a didgeridoo and a torch and held the robber until the authorities arrived. 

Nothing quite says batshit crazy like a didgeridoo and a torch, huh? That’s a fight you aren’t winning. You can come at me with an uzi, a shotgun, a machete, even a bazooka, but if you come at me with a didgeridoo and a torch I’m tucking tail and getting out of Dodge. I mean, what was Kym Ambrook going to do, beat the guy to a pulp and then set him on fire? I’m thinking that yes, he was. Best think twice before you try and rob Kym Ambrook. Australians, man.

PS- If you heard the name Kym Ambrook you’d never expect that bro, would you? Looks more like a Bubba Jackson or something.

PPS- If you don’t think I’m ordering a didgeridoo online today you’re out of your gourd.

A photographer and guide in northern California’s Point Reyes National Seashore named Daniel Dietrich spotted an unusual animal: A female coyote with blue eyes. Blue is an incredibly rare eye color for coyotes (they’re usually dark brown), and it’s likely caused by a chance mutation. Now, it appears the trait is spreading. In the last few months, at least four other coyotes with blue eyes have been seen and photographed within about a 100-mile radius of the seashore.

National Geographic investigated Dietrich’s find in June of 2018, calling the coyote potentially “one in a million.”

And so it continues. Blue-eyed coyotes, man. You know where this is heading, right? In the past few years we’ve seen bears walking around upright, sea lions grabbing kids off of docks and whales gathering to party in the Pacific Ocean. The animals are changing, man. Evolving right before our eyes. Next we’ll have ducks organizing raids on villages and pigs taking over the local supermarket. It can only get worse, folks. Prepare yourselves accordingly.

 

I actually attempted two websites before this one and neither really caught on. The first was called Rock Hard Times and was all about music. The second was called The Inside Handshake and stuck exclusively to sports. Then one day it hit me – why limit myself to one subject? Hell, I have opinions and observations on other stuff as well. Why not open it up to everything? Music, sports, politics, science, entertainment, nature, the list was endless. Thus was born Shoe: Untied, a play on my name along with the idea of sort of letting loose (actually a friend of mine came up with the title and I liked it). Anyway, as you know the site turned out to be a pretty eclectic one, and that’s the way my crack staff and I like it.

One thing I discovered early is that you can never, ever predict what people will like. Sometimes I write something I think is great and get very little response. Other times I write something that I feel is sort of trivial and it just blows up (see drunk pig blog below). Like the title says, it defies explanation.

With that said, here is our annual year-end report and Top 25 Most Popular Blogs for 2018. We’ll start with #1 and work our way down. Just click on the title if you want to take a gander.

Australian Pig Steals 18-Beers From Campers, Gets Drunk, Fights Cow

Yes ladies and gentlemen, a short little article I posted along with my observations back in 2014 got over 500,000 views this past year. For you non-mathematicians, that’s over half a million people. Seriously man, it was about a drunk pig. See, a radio station out in Seattle happened upon my site, liked the post, and put a link to that story on its website. Then the Aussies got hold of it and the rest is history.

UPDATE: Drunk Australian Pig That Started Fight With Cow Killed In Car Accident

Aaaand of course the throngs of people who loved the drunken swine story were interested in the tragic update. On a related note, Australians and I have the same exact sense of humor.

My Side of the Story

Nearly 400,000 people from all over the world heard my side of the story, and I’m glad they did.

Sis

I thought losing a basketball job was a tragic experience. I soon learned that, on life’s grand scale, it wasn’t.

My Dad and I

My memories of my father, who we lost just 53-days after my sister.

“Things Most White People Say” List Is Hilarious, Also 100% Correct

Basically just a repost of some funny tweets I’d run across. Good stuff and people liked it.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Gator Catch!

This was another post that the Australians inexplicably enjoyed. A large percentage of its views came from the Land Down Under.

So How Many People Did The Rifleman Actually Kill?

I love the old TV show The Rifleman, so one day I decided to research just how many people Lucas McCain actually killed. The answer? 120. Ol’ Luke murdered 120 people. But hey, they all deserved it so it’s cool.

Scioto Valley Conference Boys Basketball Preview & Predictions

A preview I wrote regarding our local basketball conference. I must say it’s turning out the way I predicted. So far.

The 2017 Ugly Dog Contest Was An Absolute Joke

My critique of the Ugly Dog Contest and its beautiful winner, Martha.

Cool Beans! Words and Phrases That Need To Make A Comeback

Another story I published a couple years that seems to never go away. Just a simple blog about words.

An American Hero: Ruby Bridges

My story about Ruby Bridges, the little 6-year old African-American who integrated an all-white elementary school in New Orleans on November 14, 1960.

Map of the Day: World Rat Distribution

The most fascinating aspect of this map is that Alberta, Canada is rat free, and it’s not by accident.

Regarding Beach Midgets

Just an offbeat, original little story that people seemed to find hilarious.

15 Reasons I Hate LeBron James (Or Used To)

I wrote this after LeBron left Cleveland with his ridiculous television show, “The Decision”. I really did hate the guy for a few years, but he won me back with his letter admitting he’d made a mistake with the way he left, then returning to Cleveland and ultimately bringing them a championship.

Celebrity Mugshots: My Top 10

Another old post that saw a resurgence of sorts in 2018. I’ve no idea why.

Meet Australian Cow Knickers, the Biggest Damn Cow You’ll Ever See

Again, Australians, man.

If You Haven’t heard of August Landmesser It’s a Damn Shame

I’m truly glad people liked this one, and I’m glad I got to spread the word about August Landmesser.

Paint Valley Basketball Records

This is a page I maintain that’s linked to Shoe: Untied. It gets a lot of hits.

Brad Kerns and Parenting the Way It Should Be

A telling story about one of my basketball parents and also one of the best friends I ever had.

The Many Worlds Theory is Wildly Fascinating

A pretty good example of what an eclectic website Shoe: Untied really is.

Map of the Day: USA IQ Test Scores by State

I had a lot I wanted to say here politically bit I couldn’t pull the trigger.

Man Killed Trying to Bring Christianity to Remote Island Tribe

A recent story that was quite controversial. Seems not everyone agreed with my views.

Another Drunk Animal Causes Havoc, and This Time It’s a Sozzled Squirrel.

Who knew drunk animal stories would be so wildly popular? Not I.

Don’t Think Animals Are Scary Smart? Read On.

There’s a certain segment of people who visit my site that can’t get enough of the animal stuff. They just eat it up. Animals, man.

So there ya go. All in all it was the biggest year ever for Shoe: Untied, and I thank the people who visit because you’re obviously as nuts as I am.

Happy New Year everyone.

 

Bad omen.

Listen, I love animals but holy Hell that’s a monster. Actually it’s an Australian Flying Fox, which is really a big ass bat that has come to have somebody for breakfast. Seriously, can you imagine walking out your front door and seeing that beast staring at you? Sweet Mother of God.

This dog, this fence. On a related note, yikes.

Kingston: A Jamaican man has been hospitalized after having a part of his penis bitten off by his neighbor’s dog.

The man, named locally as Neily, had been chatting to his neighbor over her gate in Stony Hill, north of Kingston, Jamaica, when her dog attacked.

He told a Jamaican newspaper that the dog had pushed its nose through the metal bars of the gate and snapped its jaws around his genitals. “The dog pushed its mouth through the metal because I was standing close to it, and it bit me on my penis,” he told The Weekend Star. “I will not be going near that dog again.”

Having a bad day, boys? Tough day at work? Boss being hard on you? Wife picking at you over those beers you had with the boys last night?  Perhaps the kids are being pains in the asses? Well, I don’t want to hear it. Why? Because you’re not Neily of Stony Hill down in Kingston, Jamaica, that’s why.

PS- Ol’ Neily handled this whole tragedy well, didn’t he? Just matter-of-factly telling us what happened. And good call Neily – I wouldn’t go near that dog again either.

A bride in Canada has launched a foul-mouthed tirade against her friends and family after blaming them for the cancellation of her dream wedding.

The unbelievable story went viral after shots of the bride’s ridiculous rant were posted to online, showing her slamming guests for refusing to give her $1,500 to attend the wedding.

The bride, Susan, took to Facebook to announce the cancellation of her wedding 4-days before the event, blaming guests for not funding her event.

The post starts with Susan announcing the cancellation of the wedding and that her and her partner have split due to “recent and irreparable problems”.

“Before I begin this mini-novel, I invite all of you to put yourselves in my shoes,” the jilted bride wrote.

“For once, let me take the stage and voice the most painful few months of my life.” She then goes on to explain how she had always dreamt of having a huge “blowout” wedding but as her and her partner had only saved $15,000 they turned to their guests to fund the $60,000 event. They told guests they had to send $1500 if they wanted to be invited to the wedding and were absolutely shocked when hardly anyone coughed up.

“I SPECIFICALLY, I mean SPECIFICALLY asked for cash gifts,” she wrote.
“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamt of without proper funding?”

The bride became increasingly upset when people weren’t giving them the money they requested. Eventually all of the bride’s friends and family turned on her, including her fiance, over her obsession with having a huge wedding.

She ends the rant by telling everyone she is cutting off all the friends and family who refused to give her money and that she will be in South Africa backpacking for the next two months to get away from this “awful society”.

I’m rarely at a loss for words, but I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Just kidding, I’m never at a loss for words. Anyway, $1,500 to attend a wedding? Were the Foo Fighters playing and do I have a backstage pass? Because if not that ain’t happening, sister. What in the holy hell happened to getting the happy couple a toaster? Maybe a personalized doormat? May I suggest a Magic Bullet Blender from Best Buy for the low price of $29.99? Honestly though, this may be the most delusional, entitled human being I’ve ever heard of. Here’s hoping Susan has an encounter with a Green Anaconda whilst backpacking in South Africa.

PS- Seriously man, people should be paid to attend weddings, not vice versa. Watching the wedding party dance into the reception makes me cringe every time. I hate forced choreography.

PARTY!!!

Astronomers estimate a mountain-sized 1,300-foot wide asteroid could hit our planet in 2032.

It was discovered moving through a nearby constellation and stargazing chiefs in Britain, Italy, Spain and Russia have added it to list of potentially dangerous asteroids. If it did hit, an impact could flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. It was spotted by Gennady Borisov from the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory in the Ukraine.

He warned: “The first observations show that it moves quickly and is relatively close.”

The asteroid has been named 2013 TV135, and if there is an impact, it could cause an explosion equivalent to 2,500 megatons of TNT – more than 50 times greater the biggest nuclear bomb ever detonated. Scientists say we really shouldn’t worry too much though. The chances of the asteroid actually striking the planet are 1 in 63,000, although scientists will reevaluate the chances of an impact in 2024.

Do these people think we’re idiots? Hey, we’ve all seen Armageddon. Nothing to worry about my ass. Nothing except a rock the size of a freakin’ mountain hitting the earth at 30,000 miles per hour with the energy of a 1-million megaton bomb that will flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. Happens all the time.

Fun Fact: If an asteroid the size of a house crashed on Earth at 30,000 mph. It would have an amount of energy roughly equal to the bomb that fell on Hiroshima. Woohoo!

And I can hear the news in 2024. “W-e-e-e-l-l-l-l, the odds are now down to 1 in 6,000. We’ll reevaluate in 2028.” Chills, man.

So yeah, everyone can relax here on the Big Blue Marble. We have 14-years left before we’re all obliterated by ol’ 2013 TV135.

PS- Thanks Gennady Borisov of the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory. I had no idea that asteroids “moved quickly.” That’s some deep science stuff right there.

PPS- Stargazing Chief is an awesome job title. Sounds way better than Nerd Scientist.

PPPS- Lame name, man. 2013 TV135? Really? I’d have named it something like Death Star 3000 or Butch or something. Maybe Maximus.

PPPPS- Imagine you knew the planet was going to be wiped out next Friday. Can you think of anyone you’d exact revenge upon before the end? Yeah, me too.

 

Key Largo, FL: A crocodile had a little support while crossing a canal in Key Largo, Florida, earlier this month — a yellow pool noodle.

The creature was caught on camera resting on the pool noodle as it swam across the water near mile marker 105 of the Overseas Highway, a 113-mile road that runs through the Florida Keys.

“I saw the croc off my balcony swimming up the canal,” local Victor Perez told Fox News on Wednesday.

And so the world takeover by the animals has begun. The Great Adaption if you will. Bears walking upright. Goats screaming like humans. Dolphins guarding nuclear missile sites. My dog Sparky conning me out of my recliner. The list goes on.

Now, crocodiles are learning to use pool noodles. I’m telling you man, next thing you know the ducks will be using Uzis and at that point we’re all screwed.

PS- Anybody wonder what happened to the person on the noodle?

 

We’ve all walked out of movies asking questions like, “Why in the hell did Mary open that damn basement door?” Movies can be confusing, man. I remember walking out of the critically acclaimed Momento wanting to pound a roofing nail into my ear with a ballpeen hammer. I hate those reverse chronology movies or movies where they jump around different time frames. It warps my delicate brain, dude. Anyway, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied, after some extensive research, has come up with 23 of the most mind-boggling plot holes in movie history. Take a gander . . .

In Armageddon, wouldn’t it have been easier to train astronauts how to drill than train drillers to become astronauts? See? Gourd blown already. Told ya.

In Gremlins, the one thing everyone knows is that you should never, ever feed them after midnight. But isn’t it always after midnight? At what point in the day does it become before midnight? I’m getting a headache.

In Gravity, when Kowalski asks Stone to let go of him because the rope will not hold them both, that’s scientifically incorrect. It could never happen because they are both in the same orbit around the earth. A short, simple tug would have brought him right back to her. Der.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy escapes and his empty cell isn’t discovered until the next morning by the Warden, who yanks away the Raquel Welch poster on the wall to discover a hole. How was Andy able to reattach the poster from inside the tunnel?

Note: I may have figured this one out. If he left the top attached he could have simply let if fall back down into place. Maybe?

In Transformers, Sam has put a pair of glasses on eBay. By unfortunate coincidence, these are exactly the same glasses that the Decepticons are looking for because they contain the roadmap to where the All Spark is. However, we later learn that the Decepticons can hack into the United States military network with ease, so surely they could place a bid on eBay. Maybe they didn’t have a PayPal account?

In The Karate Kid the referee repeatedly outlines that there will be no kicks to the head allowed. This is all before Daniel wins the final fight. With a kick. To the freakin’ head. Illegal move. Johnny wins.

Come on, man.

In Edward Scissorhands, Edward carves giant sculptures. Where did the ice come from? The film is set in a warm climate. And how would he have carried them?

 

In Toy Story, if Buzz truly does not believe himself to be a toy and in fact a real space ranger, why would he freeze around humans like the other toys do?

In Taken, Liam Neeson’s daughter goes on holiday with a friend to France before getting abducted and being sold into the sex trade. Neeson then travels to Paris and kills about 50-people to get her back. But why isn’t the friend ever mentioned again? Does she not have any family that care about her? Sorry, Liam Neeson’s daughter’s friend.

In Planet of the Apes, the video history of the crashed Air Force ship makes it very clear that the planet is uninhabited when they landed. A race of apes develops because they had a bunch of them on board. The humans on the planet are descendants of the original crew. One question – where the hell did all the horses come from?

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Hitler would have died if Indiana Jones wouldn’t have gotten involved. Think about it. Had the Nazis discovered the Ark it would have presumably been opened in Berlin and melted Hitler’s face off rather than some random Nazi soldier’s.

In Batman Begins water pipes burst, and sewer covers explode, all because of the Ra’s microwave emitter. But since the human body is composed of 75% water, shouldn’t everybody in the city have died when the device was triggered?

In The Hangover, Doug was on the roof for 2-days without anyone knowing. The fact is that in Vegas every square inch (with the exception of restrooms, guest rooms and employee locker rooms) in a casino is covered by surveillance cameras. There’s simply no way that Doug could have been on the roof for two days without someone seeing him and sending security to investigate.

In Ocean’s 11, where do the flyers come from that are in the bags that are carried out of the vault and into the van? Danny and Linus couldn’t have taken them down there and there is no room with the Chinese dude. They are carried out to the van before the SWAT team appears, which means they’d have to have been in the vault to start with. Huh?

In Back to the Future, things work out and Marty manages to ensure his mother ends up with his father and not him. So how come his parents, George and Lorraine, don’t remember Calvin Klein? The kid who brought them together and inspired George’s career as a sci-fi novelist, and who looks exactly like their son?

Also in Back to the Future, Biff had tried to sexually assault Lorraine in the past. However, in the future George hires him to work on his cars, forcing his wife to see him often. What the hell man?

In The Dark Knight Rises, Bruce Wayne is a world famous billionaire playboy bachelor. At the end we think he’s dead and gone but then Alfred sees him at a café in Paris. So what made him think that in today’s world where picture-sharing technology is rampant, he could disappear in plain sight without anyone recognizing him?

In Lord of the Rings, why didn’t Gandalf just ask his Eagle friends to fly Frodo to Mount Doom?

In Terminator 2: Judgement Day Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives on earth naked because “only living organisms can travel through the time machine or machines covered with living tissue.” But where does this leave the T-1000, who is made entirely from liquid metal and therefore has no tissue matter at all?

In Signs, at the end of the movie it’s revealed that the aliens are damaged by water, yet in the beginning of the movie they are running through a dew-covered cornfield at night. In addition, 71% of the Earth’s surface is water, the human body is up to 60% water and water regularly falls from the sky. This is the planet that an alien race capable of interstellar travel chose to invade?

In Independence Day, David has an idea on how to disarm the mothership. All he needs to do is boot up his Mac, write a wicked piece of code and infect the aliens’ computer network with it. But how is this virus going to be downloaded? How can a Mac be compatible with extra-terrestrial systems?

In The Martian, Watney claims that nothing sent on the mission will burn, which is why he has to destroy the crucifix which Martinez had in his personal items. Yet, Watney is often shown writing on paper in the Hab.

In ET one of the most iconic moments in the movie happens when ET and Elliott fly across the sky on a bicycle to evade capture. So at the beginning of the movie, with government agents in hot pursuit, why didn’t ET just fly away?

So, do you have explanations for these plot holes or has your gourd indeed been blown?

Let me know, man.

 

 

So everyone knows I have a crippling fear of clowns, mainly because I’ve bared my soul to the worldwide interweb via this website. Because of this I’m constantly receiving scary clown videos, photos and gifs from so-called “friends”, and by “friends” I mean people who apparently hate me. I mean, would you give your diabetic buddy a candy cane? What the hell people? As a result of this horrific turn of events I spoke to a therapist friend who thought it would be a good idea to just throw caution to the wind and face my fears. After first thinking that my therapist friend had turned on me too, I decided to take her advice and post some of the worst missives I’ve received. Yes, what you are about to witness are my Top 10 Scary Clown Messages sent to me over the past few years. WARNING: May be nightmare inducing.

And here’s a bonus for all my clown buddies! On a related note, go to hell!

Enjoy. Descriptions not required. Click and scroll.

People, man.

What kind of videos never get old? Dog videos. Adorable.

I really have no reason to post goat photos, other than the fact that goats are cool. Check ’em out and try not to smile.

Just a little something to make you smile today.

Yep. Close.

[click to enlarge]

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

Kiss Cam Cameraman With The Save!

Posted: January 12, 2018 in Gifs, Humor
Tags:

You know how they have those Kiss Cams at sporting events? All of a sudden you find you and your partner on the Jumbotron and you’re expected to start making out in front of tens of thousands of people? Yeah, those. Anyway, sometimes things go awry. This, my friends, is one of those times. Thankfully the cameraman recovered and made the save. Enjoy.

Note: The kid’s reaction at the end is priceless.

Science Now: The origins of the Himalayan yeti myth have been revealed at last — thanks to science. Big furry animals, larger than humans and capable of walking on two legs do indeed roam the highest mountains on Earth, according to a study published Tuesday in Proceedings of the Royal Society B, a biological sciences journal.

But they’re not yetis. They’re bears.

After analyzing the DNA of nine purported yeti specimens, scientists found that five of the preserved “yetis” were in fact Tibetan brown bears, two were Himalayan brown bears, and one — a relic which looked like a fossilized hand — originally belonged to an Asian black bear.

The ninth specimen — part of a tooth belonging to a stuffed yeti in the collection at the Reinhold Messner Mountain Museum, turned out to be from a dog.

Man, this has got to be a historic letdown of epic proportions for the mythical folklore crowd, amirite? All those stories we’ve heard for years about hairy man-beasts roaming the Himalayas and terrorizing the countryside, only to find out they’re damn bears. And a dog. Bad day for ape-like entities I guess?

What’s next, we find out the Sasquatch is really a damn Irish Wolfhound? Good God.

PS- I’m not sure I’m buying it. This Proceedings of the Royal Society B sounds shady as hell.

 

 

 

Canadians, man.

Best flight ever.

For some reason I find this hilarious.