Archive for April, 2014

This dude does not mess around. Fire evacuation? Who cares? All this bro wants is a date with the cute news lady. On a related note, he’s carrying a puppy. Isn’t that a plus, ladies? Either way, power move by this guy. Power move indeed.

So we’ve all read about the assclown who currently owns the Los Angeles Clippers. He’s clearly 1an idiot who has the opinions of a KKK Grand Wizard, and the things he said about African-Americans are indefensible and reprehensible. Listen, nobody hates ignorant racists more than I do, and as a man who taught for 30-years it was great to see the change in student opinions regarding race over the years.

That said, I have a few problems with the way the situation went down out on the left coast. Apologies in advance to those about to be offended, but as Popeye once said, “I yam what I yam.”

First off, everyone in the NBA has known for decades that Donald Sterling was a bigot. If he’s tried to hide it he’s done an extremely poor job. Hell, I knew. He’s been sued for discrimination regarding his apartment buildings and there have been several articles written about his bigotry over the years. Still, athletes have been accepting multi-million dollar checks signed by this man for decades without complaint. The same goes for their African-American coach, Doc Rivers. It wasn’t until Sterling’s “girlfriend” secretly recorded his offensive remarks and they became public that the everyone became so indignant and outraged.

That’s a little hypocritical, don’t you think?

And then we have the game last night. You’d have thought some terrible tragedy had befallen the poor fans of the L.A. Clippers and their team. There were signs saying “Clipper Nation Stay Strong” and “Together We’ll Get Through This.” A few of the players even looked as if they were ready to cry. Everyone was acting as if they’d survived some horrific event. I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised, though. The day Sterling’s remarks became public the Clippers lost their playoff game to the Warriors 118-97 because they were so distraught and emotionally damaged.

And all this happened because some narrow-minded idiot told his girlfriend she shouldn’t hang out with African-Americans?  Were the players that devastated and hurt by the remarks of a man they knew to be a racist anyway? His words hurt them that much? What am I missing here? An 81-year old racist said some stupid things, plain and simple. Are we really that thin-skinned?

And now comes the news that the Clippers may actually change their name to the Americans. Supposedly having a diverse and multi-cultural basketball team called the Americans will point out to people that the United States is, you know, diverse and multi-cultural.

Brilliant.

Thankfully, yesterday the right thing was done by N.B.A. Commissioner Adam Silver, as he banned Donald Sterling for life. He will be forced to sell his team, and when he does our long national nightmare will be over.

On a related note, if I was paid Doc Rivers’ 3-year, 21-million dollar salary to coach basketball I’d let somebody call me a honky cracker jackass every day of the week.

But hey, that’s just me.

This was almost me on the bike path last week.

1So I’m in Montserrat and a guy comes to pick me up to take me to practice. There are a lot of winding roads on the island, and even though I’ve been going there since 1995 I still get turned around and become confused as to where exactly I am sometimes. With that in mind, this is the conversation that ensues with my driver:

“I’m not sure where we are right now. Are we heading towards the water?”

“You’re on an island, Coach Shoe. You’re always heading towards the water.”

Smart ass.

Still, a solid point. But don’t you hate it when common sense gets in the way of a legitimate question?

Note: Just so you know, he was kidding and eventually told me where we were.

Look no more.

So America it hurts.

Comedy gold.

Are seesaws outlawed yet? They gotta be next, right?

Great bit on Fallon last night.

1So VH1 did one of their dumb lists recently, this time naming the Top 100 Songs of the 00’s. As usual, they failed miserably. It seems the only songs worth listing, as least to VH1, were Top 40 pop songs. I may soon make my own list called “Top 100 Reasons VH1 Blows” or something like that.

Stay tuned, legions of loyal readers.

That said, here are VH1’s Top 10 songs along with my scintillating commentary and rulings. Following those are my Top 10 songs of the 00’s.

Let’s do this. Click on the title to hear the song:

VH1’s Top 10 Songs of the 00’s:

1. Crazy in Love – Beyoncé ft. Jay-Z

  • Because of course it is. Good Lord. Over a 10-year period, this is the best song? Nah. Do I own it? I do not. Ruling: Meh. Nice horns though, and that is in no way a euphemism for any part of Beyoncé’s anatomy.

2. Hey Ya! – OutKast

  • Seriously? Inconsequential tune, kids. Sure, it’s a catchy party song but it will have no staying power. Do I own it? I do. Ruling: Good song, but no way it’s #2.

3. Poker Face – Lady Gaga

  • Sweet Mother of God. Somewhere, Neil Young weeps. Do I own it? No, and I never will. Ruling: Blech. Lady GAGa maybe.

4. Lose Yourself – Eminem

  • Solid choice here, and any music critic who would put songs 1-3 above it are assclowns of the highest order. Do I own it? Hell yah. Ruling: Love it.

5. Since U Been Gone – Kelly Clarkson

  • If you read this site you know I love this song and I’m not afraid to admit it. Is it a Top 10 song of the decade? It is not. Do I own it? Oh yeah. Ruling: Nice pop song.

6. Gold Digger – Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx

  • Oh Sweet Jesus. A song featuring Jamie Foxx at #6? I’m feeling ill. Do I own it? Hell no. Ruling: No. God no.

7. Sexyback – Justin Timberlake ft. Timbaland

  • Wait. Was sexy gone? What did I miss? Seriously, I like this song. Very catchy. Do I own it? Yep. Ruling: Great tune.

8. Empire State of Mind – Jay-Z ft. Alicia Keys

  • Now we’re talkin’. I like this song a lot, and Alicia Keys brings the perfect voice to it. Do I own it? I do. Ruling: Although I could do without the N-Bombs, excellent choice.

9. We Belong Together – Mariah Carey

  • So Mariah Carey recorded music in the 00’s? I swear to God I never heard this song until 20-minutes ago. Do I own it? Clearly I do not. Ruling: Bizarre choice.

10. In da Club – 50 Cent

  • You know, Fitty is OK, I can take him or leave him, and I do sort of like this song. Top 10 though? Nope. Do I own it? Nope. Ruling: Meh.

And now I shall present my Top 10. Feel free to disagree, but be warned that if you do you may be subject to merciless browbeating and ridicule. Again, click on the title to hear the song.

Enjoy.

Shoe’s Top 10 Songs of the 00’s:

1. I And Love And You – The Avett Brothers

  • Just an achingly gorgeous song by the boys from North Carolina. The Avett’s sound is difficult to describe, but is sort of Alt/Rock/Country/Folk if you will. Love. This. Song.

2. What About Everything? – Carbon Leaf

  • If you are a music fan and haven’t heard Carbon Leaf, you’re missing something special. Barry Privett and the fellas have sort of a Celtic Alternative sound that they describe as “Porch Music.” Can’t get enough.

3. Ruby – Kaiser Chiefs

  • Perhaps the most catchy song of the 00’s. Rubu Ruby Ruby Ruby! Click on the link to catch the Kaiser Vibe.

4. The ’59 Sound – Gaslight Anthem

  • Great band from Jersey who might just be the heir apparent to The Boss himself. Great, great song that proves rock is alive and well.

5. Boston – Augustana

  • I really like this song about a lost love. It touches me every time I hear it, still.

6. Whatever Happened to Corey Haim? – The Thrills

  • This tune has a 70’s vibe that I find irresistible. And what can I say? I’m a sucker for a good hook.

7. Mr. E’s Beautiful Blues – EELS

  • Well, duh. You knew the Eels would make the list, right? Goddamn right it’s a beautiful day. Uh-huh. Note: If you don’t understand those last two lines you need to listen to the song.

8. I’m Not O.K. – My Chemical Romance

  • The first song I ever heard by MCR, and still my favorite. A rockin’ tune fo sho. And by the way, I’m not O F’ing K.

9. New Jersey Girl – Nerf Herder

  • The quintessential Nerf Herder song – quirky, funny, smart, and catchy. Fun Punk at its finest.

10. Rockin’ the Suburbs – Ben Folds

  • Quite possibly the best song ever by Ben Folds. “Rockin’ the suburbs, just like Jon Bon Jovi did, rockin’ the suburbs, except that he was talented.” Irreverently awesome.

So there you go. VH1’s list followed by my own, infinitely better list. Criticize at your own risk.

How not to graduate.

Posted: April 28, 2014 in Fails, Humor
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Comedy gold.

Karma is undefeated.

Just a dog doing what dogs do. Making everything better for everyone and performing miracles. God bless dogs.

A-a-a-a-a-n-d he’s gone.

Typical Bron Bron. Staring down a 51-year old legend who retired over a decade ago. A guy who happens to be one of the 2-3 greatest players who ever lived. The guy who, in his prime, would have beaten LeFraud on willpower and competitiveness alone. The guy who would have NEVER tucked tail and abandoned the team that drafted him to go create a superteam in order to win a title. But what can I say? It’s just Bron Bron being Bron Bron.

PS – Look at Michael. He’s ready to go out there and take him on right now.

Fails of the Week!

Posted: April 26, 2014 in Fails, Humor
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A tradition like no other.

1990’s TV Theme Songs!

Posted: April 26, 2014 in Music, TV
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Nostalgia. On a related note, I watched about 7% of these shows.

The 80’s. They were a simpler time.

Seems safe enough.

I swear to God if this jerkwad did this to my kid he would pay dearly.

Yesterday I brought you the amazing bro who redefined the individual workout routine forever. Today I bring you the inspiration for starting my very own spin class. I shall run my class using the methods below because, well, they are several kinds of awesome. Sign-ups begin immediately.

So the gentleman below thinks his neck tattoo might have a negative impact on how the jury he’s about to face will see him. Because of this he’s asked the judge to let him remove it. What does his neck tattoo say? MURDER. And what is Mr. Jeffrey Chapman being tried for, you ask? You guessed it – murder.

Have mercy. And I don’t mean that literally.

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Yep, that says “murder” backwards.

 

Love Todd Snider. Bonus video below.

Awesome ending.

I think the earrings tie the whole outfit together.

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