Weird College Mascots: Let’s Take A Look

So I was watching college basketball this past season and noticed that weird St. Louis mascot, the Billiken. This got me to thinking, and what I thought was, “What the hell is that thing?” I also started me wondering how many other weird mascots might be out there. Turns out the answer is a lot. Let us begin with this monstrosity . . .

The Wichita State Shocker

Holy . . . why is that wheat so pissed off? Looks a little like Bart Simpson’s roid-ragey brother. Maybe he’s mad because his name is WuShock and he’s from, you know, Wichita? You mad, bro?

The St. Louis Billiken

Yep, there he is. SWEET MOTHER!!!! What the?!?!? That’s a white devil, right? Dude is staring into my soul, man. Jeebus. The school website says a Billiken is a “symbol of luck” but I ain’t buyin’ it. Symbol of the Anti-Christ maybe.

The Middle Tennessee State Blue Raider

Is that The Mothman? A dragon? Wait. That’s supposed to be a horse? That’s what the website says. A horse called Lightning. Still, I guess it’s better than their original mascot, which was Nathan Bedford Forrest, a Confederate General and the founder of a fun little club called the Ku Klux Klan. Good God almighty.

The Washburn Ichabod

A-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h-h!!! Those eyes! The sideburns! The mammoth chin! And why would you have a mascot named after the dude who encountered The Headless Horseman? Wait. This is a different Ichabod? Ichabod Washburn, a wealthy industrialist who gave copious amounts of money to the school? Well, that’s boring. Never mind.

The Western Kentucky Hilltopper

The Western Kentucky Hilltopper mascot is, well, a red blob of nothingness. It’s name is, fittingly, Big Red. B-o-o-o-o-ring. Is it The Evil Grimace’s more evil brother? Nobody knows.

The Akron Zip

The Akron Zips mascot is Zippy, a kangaroo, because we all know Kangaroos are native to northeastern Ohio. Now that I think of it, it is probably better than a rubber tire or a smog cloud.

The University of Arkansas at Monticello Boll Weevil

Two comments here. Number one, why would a school in Arkansas have a mascot that is the most destructive cotton pest in the United States? Number two, that Boll Weevil has a nose that looks like that thing that hangs in the back of your mouth. That is all.

The University of Louisiana-Lafayette Cayenne

Yep. That is a giant, walking hot pepper. And that pepper is pissed. Oh, and yes, those are flames coming out of his arms. Cool.

The Campbell University Camel

I had to add a sideview here, because man, that camel has a big head don’t he? And you know why there’s nobody at that game? Because they’re scared of that camel. On a related note, where the hell’s the hump? That’s a humpless camel. Embarrassing. Note: Sparky and I met the football coach at Campbell at a party once. I wrote about it in a story called Crashing Parties With the Spark.

The Texas Christian University Horned Frog

I have just one observation here. That is the tallest Horned Frog ever. Gotta be a 7-feet tall lizard, amirite? And they are lizards. I looked it up.

The Evergreen State Geoduck

Oh boy. How to say this. The upper half of that thing looks . . . never mind. And didn’t the designers sort of give up at the waist? Gym shorts and . . . that’s it? Really? And why the hell is it called a Geoduck? According to the worldwide interweb a geoduck is  a large, edible, saltwater clam. Hey, I love clams but that thing looks in no way tasty.

 The Delta State Fighting Okra

Yeah, I’d be leaning the other way too, kid. The bottom half of that thing looks like an inflatable raft and the top half resembles a really pissed off hot pepper. And it’s wearing boxing gloves. And seriously, that kid is petrified.

The Ohio Wesleyan Battling Bishop

Because Holy Wars are the worst kind of wars. In addition, always fear a guy coming at you in a robe and a beanie. Just sayin’.

The University of California at Santa Cruz Banana Slug

Any self-respecting mascot list has to include the Banana Slug, no? Still, it seems like it would be an easy opponent to take down. I mean, one sprinkle from a salt shaker and it’s over.

The North Carolina School of Arts Fighting Pickle

Man, that pickle doesn’t look so good. On a positive note, penicillin will clear that right up.

So there ya go. Some of the most disgusting, absurd, preposterous mascots known to man. Okra? Pickles? Geoducks? Really? What a joke. How can the fans of these schools look at themselves in the mirror in the morning with such ridiculous mascots?

Wait . . .

Never mind.