Archive for the ‘Satire’ Category

We all heard ’em while growing up. Old Wives’ Tales. Some are so embedded in the fabric of our lives they’re nearly impossible to remove.  Without further ado, let’s take a look at 15 of the most popular ones and I’ll promptly debunk them. I’ll start with an Old Wives’ Tale (OWT), followed by the truth. Sorry in advance old wives, but you are about to be debunked.

OWT

You can catch a cold by going outside in cold weather without a coat or with wet hair.

TRUTH

You catch a cold through exposure to bacteria or viruses, not by actually getting cold. It’s just that viruses survive better in colder temperatures.

OWT

Reading in dim light hurts your eyes.

TRUTH

Reading in a darkly lit room might give your eyes some dryness or fatigue, but it won’t cause any serious or long-term damage. Chillax.

OWT

Humans only use 10% of their brains.

TRUTH

In reality, the entire human brain is constantly active—even when we are sleeping. That said, I had a kid in class we called Cheese Cracker who I’m pretty sure only used about  7% of his brain.

OWT

Humans eat an average of 8 spiders a year while sleeping.

TRUTH

Scientists say it highly unlikely that a spider would ever end up in your mouth. Spiders tend to be found either tending their webs or hunting in nonhuman-infested areas. They usually don’t intentionally crawl into a bed because it offers no prey. Why in the world would they enter your mouth? Spiders ain’t dumb. Everybody settle down.

OWT

You should pee on a jellyfish sting.

TRUTH

Uh, that doesn’t work, but this does – first, remove the tentacles (that’s what’s hurting you so much) with something other than your fingers unless you want get stung again. Next, pour something acidic, like vinegar, lemon juice, or battery acid, on the sting. Finally, use a flat object like a butter knife to scrape off the stinging cells. Do that and you have treated your jellyfish sting, all without having Uncle Roger pee on you.

PS- I was joking about the battery acid. Don’t do that.

OWT

Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritus.

TRUTH

Scientists have never actually found a link between knuckle cracking and arthritis. Still, it’s annoying as hell so stop. Also stop popping your gum. And chewing with your mouth open. I’ll stop now.

OWT

Eating too much turkey makes you sleepy.

TRUTH

While meat does contain an amino acid that helps to create melatonin, a brain chemical known for making people tired, turkey does not actually cause more fatigue than other foods. We’re actually tired because of the large quantities of carbohydrates and alcohol that a lot of us consume on Thanksgiving. What I’m saying is that daddy is in the recliner sleeping because he’s drunk.

OWT

Sitting too close to the television will harm your eyes.

TRUTH

This one stems from the fact that General Electric produced color TVs back in the 1960s that emitted up to 100,000 times more radiation than federal health officials considered to be safe—and while the  television sets were recalled almost immediately, the Old Wives’ Tale hangs around (even with our new TV technology and whatnot).

PS- I’m not expert but 100,000 times more radiation does seem a tad high.

OWT

You shouldn’t swim for 30-minutes after eating.

TRUTH

This Old Wives’ Tale assumes that after eating the body diverts blood from your limbs to the digestive tract, thus depleting your arms and legs of enough blood to swim. While it is true that digestion requires extra blood, the body does not drain the limbs of enough blood to work properly. Bottom line, you might get a small cramp. Deal with it.

PS- I fondly remember swimming at the Mead Pool. It was amazing. I also fondly remember a girl about my age named Tammy that swam there. I had a remendous crush on her and would immediately look for her upon our arrival. I long for a simpler time.

OWT

Bulls hate the color red.

TRUTH

Yes!

People believe this because the bull charges at that thing the matador waves around, called a muleta. Actually, bulls are color blind. They’re agitated by the motion of the muleta, not its color. On a related note, I hate bullfighting. I always root for a good old fashioned goring. Leave the damn bull alone.

OWT

The 5-second rule.

TRUTH

This Old Wives’ Tale infers that if you drop food on the floor and snatch it up within 5-seconds it wasn’t on the floor/ground long enough to gather germs. Nobody really believes athat anymore, right? We say that jokingly, right? Right?

PS- This Old Wives’ Tale is sometimes known as the 3-second rule. Or in my case the 3-minute rule.

OWT

It takes 7-years to digest a piece of gum.

TRUTH

Negatory. The truth is gum doesn’t digest at all. It travels through your digestive tract and then, you know. On a related note, who swallows their gum?

OWT

To cure a hangover, just have a little “hair of the dog.” In other words have a drink.

TRUTH

Seems sort of obvious but you can’t drink your way out of a hangover, although many have tried. Der.

OWT

Eating chocolate will give you acne.

TRUTH

I heard this one a lot whilst growing up. It is true that a high fat or high sugar diet can exacerbate acne and sugary stuff can often cause hormone fluctuations, which can increase acne. However, there is no evidence that eating normal amounts of chocolate directly triggers acne. In reality dark chocolate actually promotes numerous health benefits. Snack away kids!

OWT

Rubbing whiskey on you baby’s gums will ease teething pain.

TRUTH

Actually, experts recommend using natural remedies, such as massaging a warm washcloth on your baby’s gums.

Note: This is not intended to frighten or make light of anyone or anything. It is written in jest. Satire if you will. Chill. We must keep our senses of humor. That said, if you’re easily offended turn back now . . .

Although apprehensive, I talked myself into venturing out into the masses this morning, just a quick in-and-out at the local superstore as it opened for some essentials. Figured I’d get there early to beat the pandemic crowd. Hey, I figured what the hell? What could it hurt? As long as I avoid eye contact with humans and don’t touch anyone I should be ok. I’ll wash my hands when I get home! I mean, how bad could it get?

The answer, of course, is really really bad.

The first sign of trouble was in the parking lot. It was full. After scoring a spot, however, I approached the main entrance. The second sign of trouble was the twenty-something male that ran past me screaming, “Don’t go in there man! DON’T GO IN THERE!

And then, I felt it before I saw it. The panic and anxiety emanating from the store was palpable, alive, actually oozing from the entrance.

As I walked hesitantly into the store, I saw a scene that could only be described as total and utter chaos. Middle-aged women snarling and snapping at each other, grown men weeping, old men in obvious catatonic states, and frightened children in various stages of shock.

It was a scene from a horror movie. Cries of anguish everywhere, people sweating, and wild-eyed shoppers attempting to grab that last 24-Pack of Mega Ultra-Strong Charmin toilet paper rolls.

Immediately sensing impending doom, or at the very least being crushed by a 300-pound Vinton Countian bent on grabbing that last Purell Advanced Hand Sanitizer, I made an executive decision. Scram. Hightail it out of there. Run for my life.

I vamoosed.

As I did, from the corner of my eye I saw a Meat Clerk stealthily crawling into the relative safety of an empty industrail sized box of Tyson 100% All-Natural Pork Butts.

In Aisle 11, women were having a 3-way tug-of-war over a can of Bruce’s Canned Yams.

Over near the pharmacy, a lady in her upper 80’s dropped a much-younger counterpart with a vicious atomic elbow.

Somewhere, a store greeter wailed in the distance.

Although it can’t be confirmed, there were reports of a woman being beaten over the head with a can of Campbell’s Chunky Grilled Chicken & Sausage Gumbo.

It was a scene these eyes shall never forget, because well, some things simply cannot be unseen. The degradation, the greed, the overindulgence, the hoarding, the . . . smell.

It was too much for me.

As I staggered out into the light of day and breathed in the fresh air, I could only count my blessings that I’d survived the mayhem that I’d witnessed.

Imprinted upon my brain is a vision of a young father I’d seen near the store exit as I was making my escape. Our eyes met, albeit ever so briefly, and they haunt me still. I believe I saw his hand reach out to me, but alas, I could not turn back, mainly because I could not touch his hand.

I wonder still if he made it out alive, or if he’s still in there with his wife and children, searching for that last case of FitCrunch Whey Protein Bars.

I guess I’ll never know.

PS- Again, none of this actually happened. I’m kidding.