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No captions necessary really, but I added them anyway. Just sit back, take a gander and feel your blood begin its slow but steady boil.

[click and scroll for the annoyingness]

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Bet you thought the thong was a relatively modern invention, amirite? Negatory, my friends. In fact, the modern thong is a surprisingly old innovation that Greenlandic Inuits have been rocking for several hundred years.
Called a Naatsit, it’s made of seal fur, chosen for its durability and insulation. And get this kids – it’s stitched together with reindeer or whale sinews and was made fashionable with decorative beads or the head of the seal. You heard me, right? The head of a freakin’ seal. Fun Fact: When the Danish missionaries showed up they tried to get the Inuits to wear something less revealing. Didn’t work.

Dogs, man.

[for the love of God click and scroll]

We’ve all wondered the same thing. How in the hell can an athlete making gazillions of dollars go bankrupt so quickly?

Because, hell yes, it happens. Often.

Consider these staggering facts:

The National Basketball Association leads all U.S. team sports in salaries, paying $6.39 million per year on average. Major League Baseball players earn $4.39 million on average, NHL hockey pays an average income of $2.9 mil to their athletes, and the average salary for NFL players who were drafted and make the team out of training camp is $2.43 million.

To the average hard-working everyman, that’s a shit-ton of cash, amirite?

Still, consider these facts:

After only 2-years of retirement, 78% of NFL players were either broke or struggling financially.

Within 5-years of retirement, 60% of NBA players are broke.

Major League Baseball players file for bankruptcy at a rate 4-times the national average.

Kids, professional athletes file bankruptcy at a rate of 7.8 times more than the average American, who earns an average of $51,000 per household. That said, let’s take a gander at some pro athletes who have pissed away more money than most of us could ever have dreamed of seeing in our lifetimes . . .

Ever heard of boxer Mike Tyson? Dude was a machine early in his career, just demolishing everyone in his path. He was worth $400-million in his prime, yet he went bankrupt.  Tyson’s main competitor, Evander Holyfield, was worth an astounding $560-million at one time, but had to file bankruptcy as well.

Anyone recall NBA point guard Allen Iverson? AI was worth $156-million at one point, but was declared insolvent due to historically hilarious spending.

Former Kentucky Wildcat/Boston Celtic Walker blew through $110-million and filed for bankruptcy as well. How is this possible, you ask? Well, here’s how:

  • He owned two Bentleys, two Mercedes, a Range Rover, a Cadillac Escalade, and a Hummer, all outfitted with the latest gizmos of course.
  • He’d authorized 5-people to use his American Express card.
  • He wouldn’t wear the same suit twice.
  • He had an expensive watch collection.
  • He had a 70-person entourage and paid for their cell phone, rent and car payments (which of course be bought for them too).
  • Add to all that a series of bad investments and a gambling addiction and you have, shall we say, problems.

Yowza. But let us continue.

Remember NFL QB Vince Young? He signed a $26-million contract in 2006 and was broke by 2011. How in the hell? Well, here’s how. Let’s see, one of the reasons is that he did things like buying all the seats on a Southwest Airlines flight, simply because he wanted to fly alone. He also reportedly averaged spending $5,000 a week at The Cheesecake Factory. Now, I like The Cheesecake Factory as much as the next guy, but really? Couldn’t you spend that kind of cash on a personal chef and get a little variety? Jeebus.

There are many levels of stupid, and NBA player Chris Bosh is apparently both stupid and heartless. It’s a long story that you can search up on the Goggle, but his wife Allison of his 3-year old daughter Trinity had to apply for food stamps a few years ago. Chris Bosh at the time, my friends, was making $18-million a year.

And no, the problem isn’t just prominent with kids who grow up poor and in inner cities. To wit . . .

Hall of Fame NFL legend Johnny Unitas went bankrupt. So did quarterback Mark Burnell, who earned $52-million over his long playing career.

Remember Bill Buckner, the Boston Red Sox first baseman who let the ball roll between his legs to let the Mets back in – and win – the World Series in 1986? He had to file for bankruptcy in 2008.

Curt Schilling is a legendary pitcher who had major success in the World Series. He filed for insolvency after he couldn’t pay back a $75-million loan to start a video game company. And Philadelphia Phillies great Lenny Dykstra also had to file for bankruptcy after becoming a “financial guru” in retirement and ending up with $50-million in liabilities and only $50,000 in assets.

There’s more. NFL players Lawrence Taylor, Michael Vick and Travis Henry had highly-publicized legal troubles to make them broke despite earning a combined $200-million buckaroos.

Let’s keep going. The NBA’s Scottie Pippen won 6-world championship rings with the Chicago Bulls, yet still filed for insolvency despite earning $120-million during his playing days.

Hell, maybe San Diego Padres teammates Jack Clark and Tony Gwynn had the same bad financial advisor, because they both ended up filing for bankruptcy after their playing days –and their bank accounts – were numbered.

Terrell Owens, just inducted into the NFL Hall of Fame, ran through most of the $80-million he made during his 15-year career, thanks in part to bad investments and business deals.

And the bad decision-making isn’t limited to he three major American sports.  Olympic sprinter Marion Jones lost all of her wealth and filed for bankruptcy after being disgraced by a doping scandal.

WNBA legend Sheryl Swoopes? She had to do the same in 2004 even though she made more than $50-million in her career.

But let’s go farther back. America’s darling Dorothy Hamill, the 1976 Olympic gold medal winning figure skater, had to file for bankruptcy in 1995.

So I ask you. How does a person make millions of dollars over his/her career, yet go broke within five years of leaving his/her sport? How is this even possible? Well, there are several reasons. Let’s take a look:

  • Most athletes think they’ll compete for at least 15-20 years, but in reality the average NBA career is less than 3-years. NFL players? Under 3.5-years. This is because of injuries or maybe just getting cut. In addition, 65% of NFL players leave the game with permanent injuries before they barely get started.
  • Entourages. They’re not good. The more hangers-on the worse it’ll be. See Antoine Walker, among many others.
  • Dumb overspending. Athletes see the money as infinite. They can’t imagine it ever running out. How could they ever spend it all? Spoiler alert: They can.
  • Athletes are targets for poor investment pitches. They’re naïve and fall for all sorts of outlandish schemes, and the con men know this. The sharks begin circling the minute the contract is signed.
  • To most poor, inner-city athletes the worst thing anyone can say about them is that they turned their back on their old neighborhood. Even athletes with middle or upper class backgrounds feel the responsibility to support their entire family and beyond. Think about it. What if you signed a $10-million contract tomorrow? Imagine the family and friends that would come out of the woodwork, asking for a handout. I’ve seen up close the mentality that the aforementioned Antoine Walker exhibits when he’s literally paying for a 70-person entourage. You see, a lot of these guys have made it out of tough situations, growing up with very little. In the eyes of the family and neighborhood friends they grew up with, the worst thing a guy could do would be to turn his back on them. So, the athletes feel like they have to take care of the people they grew up around. That’s no excuse, but it’s why you see the hangers-on and the leeches being allowed to take advantage and blow money that isn’t theirs. The player doesn’t want to be labeled a sellout, plain and simple. I’ve seen it up close and personal.
  • Divorce. This is often cited as the number one challenge, as divorce drains funds in legal fees and dissipates assets. The athlete ends up with half of what they earned and may have large and burdensome alimony and child support payments as well. Which leads us to . . .
  • We all know the problem many professional athletes have with the apparent unwillingness to use protection during sex. Combine that with some women knowing that having a baby is a free ticket to never working again and well, you get a lot of unwanted pregnancies. Want some proof? Former NBA player Kenny Anderson has some interesting stats: 8-teams, 7-children, 5-women. Pro football player Willis McGahee has 9-kids with 8-different women. Former NBA hoopster Willie Anderson? 9-kids, 7-women. Another NBA guy, Jason Caffey, has 10-kids with 8-different women. That’s almost a double-double. Pro football player Travis Henry ups the ante with 11-kids and 10-baby mamas. Antonio Cromartie has 12-kids with 8-women. There’s a video of him attempting to name all of them and it is sadly and pathetically funny. And finally, I give you NBA legend Calvin Murphy. Calvin has 14-children by 9-different women. I believe we have a winner. Calvin’s nickname when he played? “The Pocket Rocket.” Pocket Rocket indeed. Bottom line, child support for all those kids can certainly drain a banking account and empty your pockets.
  • Lack of competent financial planning advice. The fact is a lot of young professional athletes simply don’t contact the people they should be contacting – honest, up-front financial advisors with their best interest at heart..
  • Lack of preparation for a second career. Pro athletes have long off seasons they can use to lay the foundation for their life after sports. However, some athletes do not give it a second thought and end up missing the structure and direction that sports has given them. Quite simply, they don’t use their free time to plan ahead.
  • Finally, a lot of these pro athletes have been coddled for so long that a lot of them just don’t have anyone to tell them no, that they’re making asinine decisions, or that they’re just being stupid. That’s sad but true, man.

However, there are exceptions. I give you gentlemen like Mr. Klay Thompson, Mr. Junior Bridgeman, and Mr. Earvin “Magic” Johnson, just to name a few.

First let me tell you about Klay Thompson. We all know Klay, the 26-year old who plays for the Golden State Warriors. He’s one of the top pure shooters in the NBA. Klay’s father is Mychal Thompson, who was a helluva player in his own right back in the day. Long story short, Mychal and Klay’s mother Julie controlled Klay’s bank account, at least in his first few years in the NBA. All checks went directly to them. You know, so he didn’t buy a gold-plated commode or something. Klay’s parents gave him $300.00 a week in an envelope for spending money. Yep, $300.00. Back in 2014 Klay got into a fight in a game and was fined $35,000.00 by the league. Because of this his “allowance” was cut by mom and dad. Seem excessive? Maybe. But as Klay matured and proved he could handle it he gained more control over his dough. To me, that’s just two parents who care about their son.

Junior Bridgeman played at Louisville and had a 12-year career in the NBA. He was a good, not great, player, but he was smart. Junior has no gold plated cars, no $50,000 gold chains, no armored vehicles. Instead, he happens to own 196 Wendy’s franchises and over 100 Chili’s Restaurants. And oh by the way, if you’re interested in buying a Wendy’s you’ll need a minimum net worth of $5 million, including at least $2 million of liquid assets. But most agreements stipulate royalties of 4% of sales, so there’s that.

Earvin “Magic” Johnson? When he was still playing he had the good sense to sit down with Michael Ovitz, CEO of Creative Arts Agency, a cat who understood business to say the least. Ovitz talked, Magic listened. Magic now runs Magic Johnson Enterprises, a company that had a net worth of $700-million as of 2015, and its subsidiaries include Magic Johnson Productions, Magic Johnson Theaters, and Magic Johnson Entertainment, which happens to be a movie studio. In addition to these business ventures, he has created the Magic Card, a pre-paid MasterCard aimed at helping low-income people save money and participate in electronic commerce. And this doesn’t even mention his work on television and his motivational speaking income. And did I mention he’s a co-owner of the Los Angeles Dodgers? Bottom line? Earvin “Magic” Johnson was worth over $500-million dollars by 2015.

And what about LeBron James? He currently has a net worth of roughly $440-million and recently built a school that guarantees students free tuition, free uniforms, free breakfast, free lunch and snacks, free transportation within 2 miles of the school, a free bicycle and helmet, access to a food pantry for their family, and guaranteed tuition for all graduates to the University of Akron

See? It can be done. Just look at guys like Klay Thompson, Junior Bridgeman, Magic Johnson, LeBron James and many others.

Most major professional sports require their rookies to go to a seminar explaining all the perils that lie ahead, but clearly it’s not working. I’m not sure how you can convince a guy who has never had much money that millions can disappear so quickly, that he doesn’t really need that $200,000 pedigreed Belgian racing pigeon or that $1,000,000 Red Tibetan Mastiff to crap in his yard or maybe roll on a dead cat.

Hell, I don’t have any answers.

Maybe all checks should go directly to Klay Thompson’s parents. Then we could let them dole it out.

Check out Migaloo, man. Stunningly beautiful. Migaloo lives near Australia and was thought to be the only all white Humpback Whale in the world until amazing footage emerged of a 100% all white baby humpback calf. Seems Migaloo had been hitting the town, met a honey, and put the hump back in humpback whale. This new white whale is unofficially named Migaloo Jr. because all signs point to who the daddy is. Video of Migaloo Jr. can be seen below the photos of the original Migaloo. Anywho, Migaloo the Albino Humpback Whale.

[click and scroll, man]

I have some questions for sure.

[if you like cool maps, type “map of the Day” into the search box]

You’re never too old to rock out. Two elderly German men proved this to be true when they snuck out of their nursing home to attend the Wacken Open Air music festival, which is considered the biggest heavy metal festival in the world. The men didn’t go unnoticed, however, as the nursing home called the police to report them missing. Police finally found the two headbangers 25-miles from their nursing home at the music festival at about 3 a.m. where Merle Neufeld, a police spokesperson, told the press they were “disoriented and dazed.” 

First of all, Merle Neufeld, the phrase is “dazed and confused.” Get it right, dumbass. Secondly, what the hell, man? These heavy metal bros weren’t in jail, they were in a damn nursing home. If they want to go rock out to Warpig or Rammstein I say let ’em rock, man. No need to get the po-po involved. Just be careful to not, you know, snap a fibula or slip a disc or something.

Metro News: A student went viral after posing for graduation photos with her ‘best friend’ – an enormous alligator. Makenzie Alexis Noland celebrated finishing Texas A&M by giving the 13-foot, 8-inch reptile an affectionate bump on the nose – and shared the moment on Facebook afterwards. The aspiring zookeeper visited her 1,000-pound pal, called Big Tex, last week after spending three months interning at Gator Rescue in Beaumont, Texas, where the creature lives. She said she quickly struck up a friendship with Big Tex, and that he now lets her tickle his nose, feed him – and even balance her class ring on his snout.

Listen, you all know I’m a big animal guy. Love me some animals, man. That said, I also know when to make friends with animals and when not to make friends with animals. You when not to make friends with an animal? When said creature is a 1,000-pound reptilian murder log with the greatest bite force ever directly measured for animals. One day Makenzie Alexis Noland is going to reach down to tickle ol’ Tex’s nose and find herself halfway down his gullet and snapped in half at the waist by razor-sharp gator chompers in a heartbeat. Tex is setting you up, young lady.

PS- This girl is an aspiring zookeeper. Doesn’t she know those beasts can run? Hell, they lift their belly up, straighten their legs and go to town, man. They can catch dogs for God’s sake.

PPS- As I look at these photos I must admit I admire Makenzie Alexis Noland in one respect though. Hell, one of my exes ran screaming from the room every time she saw a mosquito. 

 

We’ve all walked out of movies asking questions like, “Why in the hell did Mary open that damn basement door?” Movies can be confusing, man. I remember walking out of the critically acclaimed Momento wanting to pound a roofing nail into my ear with a ballpeen hammer. I hate those reverse chronology movies or movies where they jump around different time frames. It warps my delicate brain, dude. Anyway, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied, after some extensive research, has come up with 23 of the most mind-boggling plot holes in movie history. Take a gander . . .

In Armageddon, wouldn’t it have been easier to train astronauts how to drill than train drillers to become astronauts? See? Gourd blown already. Told ya.

In Gremlins, the one thing everyone knows is that you should never, ever feed them after midnight. But isn’t it always after midnight? At what point in the day does it become before midnight? I’m getting a headache.

In Gravity, when Kowalski asks Stone to let go of him because the rope will not hold them both, that’s scientifically incorrect. It could never happen because they are both in the same orbit around the earth. A short, simple tug would have brought him right back to her. Der.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Andy escapes and his empty cell isn’t discovered until the next morning by the Warden, who yanks away the Raquel Welch poster on the wall to discover a hole. How was Andy able to reattach the poster from inside the tunnel?

Note: I may have figured this one out. If he left the top attached he could have simply let if fall back down into place. Maybe?

In Transformers, Sam has put a pair of glasses on eBay. By unfortunate coincidence, these are exactly the same glasses that the Decepticons are looking for because they contain the roadmap to where the All Spark is. However, we later learn that the Decepticons can hack into the United States military network with ease, so surely they could place a bid on eBay. Maybe they didn’t have a PayPal account?

In The Karate Kid the referee repeatedly outlines that there will be no kicks to the head allowed. This is all before Daniel wins the final fight. With a kick. To the freakin’ head. Illegal move. Johnny wins.

Come on, man.

In Edward Scissorhands, Edward carves giant sculptures. Where did the ice come from? The film is set in a warm climate. And how would he have carried them?

 

In Toy Story, if Buzz truly does not believe himself to be a toy and in fact a real space ranger, why would he freeze around humans like the other toys do?

In Taken, Liam Neeson’s daughter goes on holiday with a friend to France before getting abducted and being sold into the sex trade. Neeson then travels to Paris and kills about 50-people to get her back. But why isn’t the friend ever mentioned again? Does she not have any family that care about her? Sorry, Liam Neeson’s daughter’s friend.

In Planet of the Apes, the video history of the crashed Air Force ship makes it very clear that the planet is uninhabited when they landed. A race of apes develops because they had a bunch of them on board. The humans on the planet are descendants of the original crew. One question – where the hell did all the horses come from?

In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Hitler would have died if Indiana Jones wouldn’t have gotten involved. Think about it. Had the Nazis discovered the Ark it would have presumably been opened in Berlin and melted Hitler’s face off rather than some random Nazi soldier’s.

In Batman Begins water pipes burst, and sewer covers explode, all because of the Ra’s microwave emitter. But since the human body is composed of 75% water, shouldn’t everybody in the city have died when the device was triggered?

In The Hangover, Doug was on the roof for 2-days without anyone knowing. The fact is that in Vegas every square inch (with the exception of restrooms, guest rooms and employee locker rooms) in a casino is covered by surveillance cameras. There’s simply no way that Doug could have been on the roof for two days without someone seeing him and sending security to investigate.

In Ocean’s 11, where do the flyers come from that are in the bags that are carried out of the vault and into the van? Danny and Linus couldn’t have taken them down there and there is no room with the Chinese dude. They are carried out to the van before the SWAT team appears, which means they’d have to have been in the vault to start with. Huh?

In Back to the Future, things work out and Marty manages to ensure his mother ends up with his father and not him. So how come his parents, George and Lorraine, don’t remember Calvin Klein? The kid who brought them together and inspired George’s career as a sci-fi novelist, and who looks exactly like their son?

Also in Back to the Future, Biff had tried to sexually assault Lorraine in the past. However, in the future George hires him to work on his cars, forcing his wife to see him often. What the hell man?

In The Dark Knight Rises, Bruce Wayne is a world famous billionaire playboy bachelor. At the end we think he’s dead and gone but then Alfred sees him at a café in Paris. So what made him think that in today’s world where picture-sharing technology is rampant, he could disappear in plain sight without anyone recognizing him?

In Lord of the Rings, why didn’t Gandalf just ask his Eagle friends to fly Frodo to Mount Doom?

In Terminator 2: Judgement Day Arnold Schwarzenegger arrives on earth naked because “only living organisms can travel through the time machine or machines covered with living tissue.” But where does this leave the T-1000, who is made entirely from liquid metal and therefore has no tissue matter at all?

In Signs, at the end of the movie it’s revealed that the aliens are damaged by water, yet in the beginning of the movie they are running through a dew-covered cornfield at night. In addition, 71% of the Earth’s surface is water, the human body is up to 60% water and water regularly falls from the sky. This is the planet that an alien race capable of interstellar travel chose to invade?

In Independence Day, David has an idea on how to disarm the mothership. All he needs to do is boot up his Mac, write a wicked piece of code and infect the aliens’ computer network with it. But how is this virus going to be downloaded? How can a Mac be compatible with extra-terrestrial systems?

In The Martian, Watney claims that nothing sent on the mission will burn, which is why he has to destroy the crucifix which Martinez had in his personal items. Yet, Watney is often shown writing on paper in the Hab.

In ET one of the most iconic moments in the movie happens when ET and Elliott fly across the sky on a bicycle to evade capture. So at the beginning of the movie, with government agents in hot pursuit, why didn’t ET just fly away?

So, do you have explanations for these plot holes or has your gourd indeed been blown?

Let me know, man.

 

 

Listen, everyone knows I’m a bit of a fashion maven. After all, I’m the guy who gave the world acclaimed blogs like Time for the Latest Shoe: Untied Fashion Review, and The Thom Browne Fashion Show: A Shoe: Untied Review, both of which were critical and commercial successes in the fashion world. Hell, just type “fashion’ into the search box over there and you’ll find fashion blogs on Russell Westbrook, Kanye West, the NBA, the 70s, the Grammy Awards, the NRA, hell, even Michael Jordan. Bottom line you’re talking to an expert here. Anyway, this all brings us to something J-Lo sported at the MTV offices the other day, which are basically jeans in the form of boots. Yep, I’m talking belts and pockets and everything, the whole package. I don’t see zippers but you never know, they might be on there somewhere. Bottom line, this opens up a whole new arena in the boot game. Dress pants boots, cargo shorts boots, pajama pants boots, parachute pants boots, the list is endless really. Check ’em out because they’re sure to be all the rage on the streets of your town soon.

PS- Seriously, it looks as if her pants are falling off, right? Good Lord man. I guess it’s easier taking a dump when your pants are your boots?

PPS- Maybe we know what J-Lo stands for now?

PPPS- The Joots are a Donatella Versace creation. Brother Gianni would be so proud.

Lord Jesus, Hooper, keep your head on a swivel. This is the latest reminder that without guns and stuff we’re definitely not at the top of the food chain.

Holy SHARK! Unreal video from @a_whiteshark !!!

A post shared by Barstool Outdoors (@barstooloutdoors) on

On a related note . . .


There are so many things about this video to like I don’t know where to start. It’s too perfect. The guy’s wife pays a man to kill him for two grand, he thinks that price is way too low, he’s a used car salesman because of course he is, that hair, that beard, he’s sweating like hell, the video is just perfect. Seriously, this guy is not upset his wife tried to have him murdered, he’s upset she didn’t take it seriously enough. “You get what you pay for.” That’s comedy gold.

Otters are badass, man. They will team up and take your ass down, whether you’re a freakin’ monkey, crocodile, jaguar, otters don’t care, man. In our first video we have some monkeys who are harassing the otters at a zoo, until the otters had enough and went gangsta all up on one of the monkeys. Seriously, they drown that dude.

Next we have a Caiman who tangles with a family of otters. Big mistake.

Finally we have a family of otters giving zero damns about a jaguar in their midst. Get the hell outta here, jaguar.

I’ve posted ads from the past in the past, and they are sometimes usually always well received. If you like this blog and want to check the others out, click here:

These Old Timey Ads Are Well Intentioned, Hilariously Inappropriate

Old Timey Ads Part 2: When Sexism Was Rampant

Good stuff, and you shall laugh uproariously upon reading them. Anywho, that brings us to my latest installment, which brings us ads just as inappropriate and cringe-worthy as the others. Let us begin . . .

[click on the first photo and scroll for the captions]

 

Listen, I don’t want to sound all cold-hearted and whatnot, but there are several things in life I will not do, among them:

Ride a bus in India.

Go to the beach in Somalia.

Go hiking in Syria.

Get on a carnival ride in Pakistan.

Seriously, I’m always reading about these so-called innocent hikers who accidentally cross the border into Iraq or something and then end up whining to our government to save their ass. Listen, if you venture into a 3rd World country  you’re on your own, kids. And for God’s sake don’t get on a Pakistani carnival ride. Pretty sure OHSA isn’t on duty over there.

According to the American Temperament Test Society, 804 American Pit Bull Terriers were tested and 695 passed. This means that 86.4% of Pit Bulls tested by the ATTS had a good temperament. The Pit Bull’s pass rating was above 121 other breeds of dogs, including Golden Retrievers. Pit Bulls have an inclination towards being protective of their owners and property but not to the extent some may think. They are unequivocally not naturally aggressive.

Dude looks nothing like those ants in the Pixar movies.

Check it out, man. That toy gun would put your eye out in a millisecond. Think anybody complained? Hells to the nah. If I would’ve gotten blasted in the eyehole by that thing Dad would’ve yelled at me for not ducking sooner, then punched me in the shoulder so hard my ankles would’ve gone numb. Back in my day men were men and toys could literally kill you.

PS- How did I miss this thing as a kid? I would have struck terror in the hearts of my sisters, man.

A rampaging herd of mysterious goats has appeared out of nowhere to run roughshod over a Boise, Idaho neighborhood, eating everything in sight like a mass adorable swarm of locusts. Nobody knows from whence they came, but they apparently made a break for it from somewhere and are on the lam. Eventually the kids were hauled off in a truck from We Rent Goats because apparently people rent goats in Idaho. Goatapalooza, man.

Wait for it. It’s worth it.

Narrowed down from about 50. Did you own any of these? Chances are you did not.  Anywho, feel free to bask in other people’s catastrophic failures . . .

[run your mouse over the photo to read the witty captions]

Seriously, what’s the deal here, man? Does he watch to see what his girlfriend is wearing and dress accordingly? Or is this a coordinated plan? I’m so confused. I mean, who does this? Brad Pitt I guess?

PS- One commenter said that theater people tend to morph and absorb their prey. Seems feasible.

Touché.

90% of these hits would get you thrown out of the league today.


One of my former students recently asked me how many concerts I had seen in my lifetime, and I told them I had no idea but it had to be over a hundred. I LOVE live music and always have, and I’ve been going to shows for approximately 45-years. Anyway, because I was asked I have attempted to recall all the shows I’ve seen, and believe me when I say there is no way I’ll remember them all. Because of this you can bet this blog will be updated often as the memories come flooding back or somebody reminds me of something I forgot. With all this in mind, let me begin. I’ll list the concerts along with notes on some of them, and they will be in somewhat of a chronological order but not really. An asterisk indicates a Rock Hall of Fame inductee, and I believe I’ve seen 25 bands/artists that have earned that honor. That said, I’ve also seen some shows that might surprise you. Let us begin . . .

Redbone

1974, Kings Island Senior Night. They were Native Americans, they wore full Native American regalia, and their big hit was “Come and Get Your Love.” I was front row and I was forever turned on to live music. Who could not be after seeing this?

Note: I have no idea if that’s politically correct or not, I just know it’s a great song.

Brownsville Station

These cool cats sang the original “Smokin’ in the Boys Room” and followed Redbone. I’ll never forget singer Cub Coda’s roaring vocals and drummer Henry “H-Bomb” Weck destroying the skins. Epic.

Seals & Crofts

Thanks to my Uncle Myrl we always had great seats at the Ohio State Fair. Hence the front row seats for the band that gave us “Summer Breeze” and “Diamond Girl.” It was a very good show.

The Stylistics

Believe it or not I saw this legendary R&B group at the Ross County Fairgrounds. Who booked them there I do not know, but it was the early to mid-70s so they were in their heyday.

Joe and Steven.

Aerosmith*

Ah, the famous (well, at least to me) Aerosmith concert. You know, the one where I drank Stroh’s beer with Joe Perry and Steven Tyler? That one? Yeah, I used to have a cool photo of me sitting between those rock Gods on a backstage couch, smiling broadly, luxurious locks cascading down our backs. Sorry, I got lost in the mists of time there for a second. Anyway, here’s the link: Steven, Joe and Me: Meeting Aerosmith. Read it. I would but it would make me cry again.

Note: I looked it up. It was March 24th, 1978 at Veterans Memorial Coliseum in Columbus.

Allman Brothers Band*

I saw these guys at an outdoor venue somewhere over near Zanesville. I don’t think it was Legend Valley, but I could be wrong. Anyway, they were as good as you might expect Southern Rock legends to be.

The Beach Boys* (6)

I’ve seen The Boys six times at various venues, including the big return of Brian Wilson sometime around 1977. They’re always a good show. Oh, and remember the time Mike Love tried to steal my girlfriend? If not, here’s the story: In the late 70’s I went to see them, again at Riverfront Coliseum in The Natti. We were once again right down front. From the get-go Mike Love was paying special attention to my date, at one point getting down on one knee and singing a song right up in her grillmix. I don’t remember the song, probably because I was too busy watching the security dude and figuring my odds of getting a shot at Love’s nose. Eventually Love actually sent a guy down to ask if she was interested. She said no and he never came close to us the rest of the show. Bizarre experience.

Chicago* (3)

Damn you to hell Cetera.

Chicago was always a good show, especially when they rocked and before they started with all the sappy ballads in the early 80s. The most memorable show was when Peter Cetera nearly stole my date. Yep, it happened again, and this show and The Beach Boys show were only a couple weeks apart. I guess I should look at the bright side and assume I had good taste in women? Anyway, here’s a link to the whole sordid affair: How Peter Cetera Once Ruined a Relationship. Mine.

Warren Zevon

I saw the legend back in early ’79 when I was living on West 8th Avenue, just south of The Ohio State University campus. I distinctly recall sitting at a table in the since demolished Serene Lounge, a misnamed establishment if there ever was one. As I sat there enjoying Happy Hour, a buddy came rushing in and said he had tickets to a show up the street at The Agora, which is now The Newport. Of course I asked who was playing, and he told me Warren Zevon. Being the sophisticated music aficionado that I was, I immediately jumped at the chance. O.K., truth be told I’d never heard of Warren Zevon. Seems I’d missed the whole “Werewolves of London” hoopla from a few months prior. Go figure. Long story short, I went, was blown away and became a huge fan.

Note. It’s odd but one clear memory I have of that night was Zevon mentioning that his dad was named Stumpy. That’s a cool dad name, don’t you think? Anyway, one of my big regrets (among many) is the fact that I never saw Warren Zevon live again.

Steely Dan

I think I saw these guys at St. John Arena, but I’ll be damned if I can remember exactly. Anyway, it was the late 70s, a period my loving father used to refer to as “my hazy period.”

The New York Dolls

Believe it or not I actually saw these punk legends at the Fairgrounds Coliseum where they opened for The Babys and, wait for it . . . REO Speedwagon. To say I’d never seen anything like them (spiked collars, high heels, multi-colored hair, hot pants) is an understatement. I’m pretty sure I stood there, mouth agape, during their entire show.

Steppenwolf

These rock legends actually performed at Sam’s Place, a big barn-type venue south on Chillicothe on Route 23. I believe the building is still there. Anyway, they rocked out “Born to Be Wild” and “Magic Carpet Ride” right here in good ol’ Ross County USA.

The Babys

The Babys followed the New York Dolls, and although “Isn’t It Time” and “Every Time I Think of You” are great songs, following the Dolls was a tough gig ( not to mention everyone was there to see REO).

REO Speedwagon

I feel like I’ve seen REO more than once, but perhaps not. Anyway, it was a rockin’ show. I remember they closed with “Ridin’ the Storm Out.”

Electric Light Orchestra

Electric Light Orchestra* (12)

Yep, I’ve seen ELO 12-times at least, and every single show was a joy, a revelation and an absolute rock spectacle. Hey, who doesn’t like lasers, giant spaceships and giant butterflies and moths fluttering above the audience? I know I do. Seriously, Jeff Lynne is a musical genius and a rock legend, and I shall see him again in less than a month. However, the most memorable ELO show was the night I found myself in the middle of a Jeff Lynne/ELO scenario of which I wanted no part of. To fully understand, read this: Pimping for the Electric Light Orchestra.

Roxy Music

I saw Roxy Music open for ELO at Veterans Memorial in 1975, and Bryan Ferry did not disappoint, singing “Love Is The Drug” and others in all his Glam Rock glory.

Gentle Giant

Saw this Prog Rock band open for ELO in The Natti, circa 1977.

Steve Hillage

Hillage was a guitarist of note back in the 70s.

Rick Derringer (3)

I first saw Derringer on the “Frampton Comes Alive” tour at the Tangerine Bowl in Florida. There were several bands before Frampton, and one of them was Kansas. They came out and it was clear from the get-go they were tanked. Just smashed, drunk and/or high as hell. Midway through song two or three they just turned and walked off the stage. The crowd basically rioted until something pretty cool happened. Rick Derringer, who had played a short set earlier, returned to the stage and started playing. Slowly the crowd got into it and eventually he was actually playing requests. That’s a true pro right there, and he saved everyone from a potentially nasty situation. When Frampton finally came out he thanked Derringer profusely and even called him back out for an encore. I’ll always have fond memories of Rick Derringer because of that day.

Led Zeppelin*

Led Zeppelin

At some point a bit before The Who tragedy at Riverfront Coliseum (again, my dates are a little fuzzy) I saw Led Zeppelin there. The whole festival seating/general admission thing was in place, and it was pretty ugly. We got there real early to get in line. The coliseum’s policy at the time was to open just 4-doors at around 6:30 PM (again, hazy) for the 8:00 show. We were right up front, and a little after 5:00 PM things began to get ugly. Remember, 4-doors for 12,000+ people. Idiocy. People in the back began pressing forward and those of us in front were getting crushed against the doors. Guys were begging the security inside to open up, but they weren’t listening. A police chopper suddenly appeared and began hovering about 30-feet up, and a guy with a bullhorn was telling people to back up. Nobody was having it, and at one point I remember a beer bottle being thrown at the chopper and shattering off its side. By this time I was seriously in fear of not making it out of there. My arms were pressed against my sides so tightly that I couldn’t raise them. Occasionally my feet would rise off the ground and I’d have to completely go wherever the crowd took me. Scary stuff for sure. The worst part was when the crowd would start to lean and you feared getting crushed. It was hard to breathe and several people passed out but obviously didn’t fall down. Surreal as hell. Finally, an ignorant security guard did a dumb but ultimately good thing – he cracked a door open, ostensibly to tell somebody when the gates would open. At that point the door was ripped open and the crowd poured in. Glass was flying everywhere, and as I was being pushed through a guard reached out and ripped a flask from my neck, nearly slashing my throat. No tickets were taken and chaos ensued. After I got away from the rushing crowd, I sought out a cop and yelled, “If these people don’t start opening more doors somebody’s going to get killed here!” A prophetic statement, unfortunately. When the news came down months later that 11-people were killed at The Who show, I wasn’t surprised. I knew exactly what had taken place. Oh, and by the way, I scored a front row spot. Hey, it was Zep.

The Eagles, 1977

The Eagles* (3)

I first saw The Eagles during their Hotel California Tour, and I remember the big album cover backdrop. Joe Walsh had just joined the group and he was on fire. Great show. As a bonus, no band member tried to pick up my girlfriend.

Todd Rundgren (4)

I’ve seen the greatest rocker never to be inducted into the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame four times, and every single time he has been amazing. Just a multi-talented musician and performer.

Elton John*

I was lucky enough to see Elton at the peak of his powers, during the legendary Yellow Brick Road Tour. I can’t recall who opened for him but I do remember Kiki Dee coming on stage for the song, “Don’t Go Breaking My Heart”. I also remember that we had seats w-a-y at the back of the arena, near the top. At one point Elton stopped to thank his writing partner Bernie Taupin and pointed him out in the crowd. They shone a spotlight on him, and he was sitting right behind me. I asked him why he was sitting in the cheap seats and he said he liked to hear what the acoustics were like from up there. Cool.

Marshall Tucker Band

No clue where this concert took place. Kentucky perhaps. Rupp Arena? I’ve no clue but it was during the “Heard It In A Love Song/Can’t You See” era. What can I say? I fell into the Urban Cowboy country rock phase for a minute.

Cheap Trick

Cheap Trick*

This one was at St. John Arena in Columbus and I recall that it was on the same Monday night that Marquette won the NCAA Basketball Title. 1977 perhaps? Let me check. Hold on . . . . . . . yep, March 28th, 1977. 67-59 over Dean Smith and North Carolina. Al McGuire’s last game. Anyway, at one point some kid from Zane Trace threw his ZT hat on stage and Rick Neilson put it on and wore it for the rest of the show. Wild night. Can’t remember who opened.

Rush*

Went with a buddy who was a huge Rush guy, I believe it was in Dayton at Hara Arena. On a related note, Rush people are an interesting group.

Edgar Winter Group

“Frankenstein” baby! EWG rocks, man. Saw them at an outdoor show somewhere in Columbus. It was in a big parking lot and was sponsored by QFM-96. I think.

Joe Walsh

I saw Joe just before he joined The Eagles, just after he released his “But Seriously, Folks . . .” album. Dude was really good with the crowd, and of course his guitar playing was amazing.

Kansas

I told you about Kansas when I talked about Rick Derringer earlier. They sucked.

Peter Frampton (3)

Peter Frampton

I was a big Frampton fan back in the day, and myself and 3 friends followed him on his “Frampton Comes Alive” Tour. We saw him in Tampa, Louisville and back in Ohio. He was touring with the aforementioned Kansas, Rick Derringer and the J Geils Band. Trust me, Peter Frampton put on one hell of a show.

John Sebastian*

John Sebastian was the frontman for the Lovin’ Spoonful before embarking on a solo career. He didn’t have much success until he penned the theme song for the TV show “Welcome Back Kotter”. Anyway, I saw him as the opening act for, wait for it . . . Steve Martin. The show was at Mershon Auditorium in, I believe, the Spring of ’77 or ’78.

J Geils Band (2)

Saw these guys during the Frampton tour, and one thing sticks out in my mind. Their Louisville show was the last show of the tour and lead singer Peter Wolf busted out the champagne. As usual we’d worked our way down to the front row, and Wolf poured a good portion of the bottle right over my head before I tilted my head back and drank the rest. Good times indeed.

John Waite

Waite was the lead singer of The Babys before starting a solo career. I saw him at a small venue in Columbus (The Newport?) and he was really good. Remember “Missing You”?

Wild Cherry

Yep, I saw these guys sing “Play That Funky Music” in a small bar on High Street in Columbus j-u-s-t before they hit it big.

Barry Manilow

I told you some of the artists would surprise you. I went with my sister and her husband Jigger, and it was a really good show. Vets Memorial I believe.

Doobie Brothers

Thankfully I saw The Doobies before Michael McDonald arrived to wreck their sound with his so-called “blue-eyed soul”. Newsflash: It was not. I preferred the pre-McDonald days of “China Grove”, “Long Train Runnin'” and “Blackwater”. It was a fantastic show that I saw somewhere in Cleveland.

James Taylor* (5)

James Taylor

Ah, the original JT. I’ve seen him at least 5-times, the most memorable being the night I stole his jacket. From my original blog: I went to see him at Blossom Music Center back in ’78 with my friends Tom and Chris. After the show we ambled down to the side of the stage, just getting a look at the setup really. The roadies were tearing down the set, wandering around doing this and that. At some point I looked up and said, “Hey, look. He left his jacket hanging on the mike stand.” He’d worn it onstage and had taken it off during the show. Anyway, one of us (probably Tom) gets the bright idea to try to grab it. Nice plan but the place was crawling with security and roadies. I turn to Chris for ideas, turn back around, and Tom had already jumped the railing and was halfway across the stage. He was just casually walking like he belonged there. A couple of guys glanced at him but didn’t say a word, either because he looked like he belonged or because he was 6′-3″, 280-lbs and looked like he could rip your heart out and show it to you before you died (which by the way he could have but that’s another story). He casually grabs the jacket, throws it over his shoulder, and hops off the other side of the stage as Chris and I run frantically around to meet him. We walk away without looking back, expecting at any moment to hear, “Stop them! Thieves! They have James Taylor’s jacket! For God’s sake stop the bastards!” Except it doesn’t happen, and we make it to the car. At that point Tom tries it on. Obviously too small. Chris grabs it. Too big. Heh-heh. Fit me perfectly. Apparently, in ’78, James Taylor and I were exactly the same size. Anyway, that’s how I came to own James Taylor’s jacket. By the way, later I woke up wide-eyed in the middle of the night, realizing I hadn’t checked the pockets. The possibilities were mind-boggling. Carly Simon’s phone number possibly? Alas, nothing. Damn . . .

Charlie Daniels Band

Again, this was during my country rock phase, which lasted about, oh, a minute and a half. Charlie was cool back then though, although I felt that way partly because I wasn’t aware of the right-wing conservative assclownery he’s exhibited the last 20-years or so.

Blue Oyster Cult

Dayton, Ohio, in Hara Arena. At the end of the concert the drummer threw his sticks into the crowd. I got my hand on one but it slipped through my fingers, damn it.

Yes*

I was never a big Yes fan, but I attended this show with a friend. As I recall I wasn’t that impressed.

Emerson, Lake & Palmer

See Yes above.

Grand Funk

Grand Funk Railroad

I watched Mark Farner, Don Brewer and the boys at St. John Arena in Columbus and they were great. I distinctly recall them blowing the roof off the joint with “We’re An American Band”. I think Farner found Jesus shortly after this tour.

Amy Grant

Another shocker, amirite? Yep, I saw Amy at the Ohio State Fair and once again we were right up front. My girlfriend at the time loved her, hence my presence at the show.

Hall & Oates*

Talk about a great opening act. I saw these guys open for ELO in Cleveland at Richfield Coliseum. Of course, they were incredible.

Pat Benatar

Yep. Big Pat Benatar fan, man. Saw her in Riverfront Coliseum back around ’82 ish. I remember being impressed with her lead guitarist and future husband Neil Geraldo too. Dude could shred.

Alabama

Another Ohio State Fair show where I couldn’t turn down the tickets. Hey, it was the early 80s and the band was pretty damn big.

Barbara Mandrell

Same as the Alabama show with one big difference – Barbara Mandrell was smokin’ hot at the time.

Kenny Rogers

You’ll have to give me a break on this one. My mother was a big Kenny Rogers fan and I took her as a surprise for her birthday. She loved it. I’m such a good son.

The Alarm

The Alarm

This show was actually a surprise for me pulled off by my ex-wife Twana, and it was spectacular. I loved The Alarm (still do) and their show at Riverbend in Cincy was great. However, they were just the opening act for the big surprise, which was . . . drumroll please . . .

Bob Dylan*

It was 1988 and like I said, this was a surprise gift for me. Dylan was amazing as you might expect, putting on an unforgettable show.

Pink Floyd*

In June of 1975 I traveled to Pittsburgh to see Pink Floyd at Three Rivers Stadium, and they were insanely good. Obviously this was when Roger Waters was still with them, contrary to the American tour 20-years later when they were without him and I refused to attend. To me, the best part of Floyd was Roger Waters. Anywho, great show with flyin’ pigs and whatnot.

Meat Loaf

I saw The Loaf at a small venue near Lancaster in the mid-80s. This was after his success with Bat Out of Hell in the late 70s and before his big comeback in ’93, and he was in the middle of his well publicized emotional issues. At one point during the show he stopped mid-song and helicoptered his mic stand into the crowd, nearly decapitating myself and several others. It was like “Meat Loaf! YEAH! Woohoo! Wait . . . look out!” Fortunately he got it together and finished, but I remember his voice was freakin’ shot. Let’s just say Meat did not bring his A game that night.

Paul McCartney

Paul McCartney* (9)

Yes, I have seen Sir Paul many times at many venues in cities ranging from Cincinnati to Indianapolis to Cleveland to Chicago. Perhaps my favorite show was the one in Columbus where a bunch of us went all out rented a suite. Our seats were right over the stage. Also, one year in Cincy I was in the front 8-10 rows which was incredible. With McCartney every song is legendary, plus there’s always that awareness that you’re watching a freakin’ Beatle.

Dan Fogelberg (4)

Fogelberg was always great live, and I saw him at Blossom in Cleveland, The Palace in Columbus and a couple other places.

Indigo Girls

I’d never heard of the Indigo Girls when  first saw them open for R.E.M. at Riverfront Coliseum, but it didn’t take a genius to figure out they were going to be big.

R.E.M.* (15)

I’ve seen R.E.M. more than any other band, first in ’83 at a gym in Springfield, Ohio in front of maybe 100-people, and the last time at Blossom in Cleveland in ’04 along with 20,000 other fans. It was pretty cool watching them grow from a small, relatively unknown band to a worldwide sensation. R.E.M. trails only The Beatles on my favorite bands list.

The Minutemen

I saw these alt legends open for R.E.M. at Vets Memorial a couple weeks before lead singer D. Boon was killed in an auto accident. Memorable concert for sure.

The O’Jays*

Ok, technically I never bought a ticket to watch these guys. However, I did hear them sing along with me on an airplane. Not kidding. Here’s the story: It happened when my late friend Jigger and I were heading to Vegas back in the early ’90s. You’ve got to remember that I’ve always been quite the Motown/Philly Sound fan and am pretty knowledgeable about a lot of the groups of that genre. We’d been in the air for a few minutes when I thought I recognized a guy a couple of rows in front of me. Was that Eddie Levert of The O’Jays? I loved The O’Jays! What the hell, I thought. I went up and sat by him (keep in mind there were only about 30-people on the plane). Sure enough, it was Levert and the rest of the group along with about eight roadies sitting here and there. Throwing caution and common sense to the wind, I started singing one of their big hits, “Love Train” and begging the guys to join in. What can I say? I was overcome with joy at meeting the O’Jays and I was pretty sure I’d never have this chance again. Long story short, in a couple minutes all three O’Jays were singing backup to yours truly on lead vocal. One of the guys (Walter Williams possibly) actually got up in the aisle and was doing the dance moves as I stood and sang beside him. Surreal. About halfway through I forgot the words and Levert took over. I then attempted to join the dancing but failed miserably, to the delight of the audience. I then took a theatrical bow with the group as the crowd went wild (at least in my mind, don’t tell me they didn’t), the stewardesses applauded and Jigger sat there shaking his head. I believe I even followed up by trying to start a rousing rendition of “Backstabbers” but my moment had passed. The group got off at our stopover in Minneapolis, bro hugs were shared all around, and the O’Jays went on their way. And you know what? To this day I can’t hear “Love Train” without getting a big grin on my face.

Fetchin Bones

The Bones opened for REM at Bogart’s and they were great. One reviewer described them as such: “a band that must be seen live for a full grasp of their eclectic frenzy.” Couldn’t have said it better.

The dB’s

These guys opened for REM in Dayton, at either Hara or UD Arena (I can’t remember which). The band was led by Pete Holsapple, who later sat in on many an REM gig.

The Neats

The Neats opened for REM at that show in Springfield, Ohio.

Toad the Wet Sprocket

I saw TTWS at The Newport sometime in the mid-90s. Can’t remember much about the show other than the fact that lead singer Todd Phillips didn’t wear any shoes.

Matthew Sweet

Ah, another great Newport show. I’ve loved Matthew Sweet since 1991 and he did not disappoint.

Hootie & the Blowfish

Once again I saw these guys at The Newport, just before they blew wide open. I remember Darius Rucker downed about 8 Budweiser bottles during the show, and he often had one in his hand as he sang.

The String Cheese Incident

I’m not really into Jam Bands, and I have no idea what inspired me to go to this show. Now that I think of it, I have no idea who I was with or where they played. Somewhere outside for sure.

Screaming Trees

Screaming Trees

The Trees were the middle act at College Park, MD in 1992. They followed Gruntruck and preceded Alice in Chains. Of those three bands, I loved the Screaming Trees the most. The show was at Ritchie Coliseum as I recall.

 

Alice in Chains

See above.

Gruntruck

Also see above.

Fugazi

Great show at the tiny City Lights venue in Indy back in 1993. I remember clearly that the tickets cost a mere $5.00.

The National

The National opened for REM at Blossom in 2004.

Brian Wilson

I was thrilled to see Brian Wilson during his Pet Sounds Tour in 2002. His backing band was the Wondermints and they were fantastic too. He played the album in its entirety, start to finish. Stellar, and the work of a musical genius.

Steve Forbert (3)

I put Steve Forbert in my Top 10 All-Time favorite artists. I’ve seen him at small venues in Newport, KY, and Granville and Worthington in Ohio. He always puts on a great show. One of music’s most underappreciated talents.

Faith No More

Caught these guys at The Newport (surprise!) in September of 1992. The main thing I remember is that lead singer Mike Patton had some absolutely killer pipes.

Helmet

I have very little recollection of this one. Sorry Helmet.

The Temptations*

I finally got to see The Temps around 2008, and they only had one original member remaining. Still a great show though.

Ziggy Marley

Ziggy Marley

I can attribute this one to pure luck. One night in the Caribbean I was sitting at a little Tiki Bar, and a guy came up and casually mentioned that Ziggy was playing a couple hundred yards down the beach. Wait. What? Hell yes mon. I hustled down there and the rest is history.

They Might Be Giants (8)

Man, I’ve seen the two John’s 8 times since 1992 (the last this past winter) and every show has been awesome. One of my favorite bands ever.

OK GO

This group opened for TMBG the night the electric went out at The Newport and everything was delayed a couple hours. They were great, but my main memory was after the show when the lead singer tried to pick up my nephew’s wife out by the merch stand. Musicians, man.

The Eels

Eels (7)

I’ve seen E and the boys on several occasions, usually in Columbus but at least once in Cleveland. Big, big fan and E never, ever fails to entertain. I’ve been on E’s bandwagon since his early solo albums “A Man Called E” and “Broken Toy Shop”.

The Flaming Lips 

Love the lips, and I saw them at the Nelsonville Music Festival a few years ago. And yes, Wayne Coyne got in one of those big bubbles and walked out over the audience. Fun aplenty.

Beck

I used to volunteer for a company that worked concerts around Columbus (actually I only did it twice) but on one occasion I ended up being Beck’s damn backstage bodyguard. He actually invited me to stand beside the stage and watch the show. Dude really liked me for some reason, man. You can read all about it here: Bodyguarding Beck. True story.

Martina McBride

I must have received good reviews for being Beck’s bodyguard, because a couple weeks later they asked me to be the bodyguard for Martina McBride. Once again I was allowed to watch from the wings. Hey, I’ve never owned a Martina McBride song but damn she was a hottie. Anyway, I protected two famous singers and neither were harmed under my watch. My record is unblemished.

Carbon Leaf (7)

Carbon Leaf

I’ve been a big Carbon Leaf fan since around 2000, and I’ve become acquainted with lead singer Barry Privett. I’ve seen them at Kelley’s in the Outer Banks, The Basement and a few other places in Columbus, a little bar in Chapel Hill, the Southgate House in Newport, KY and The 20th Century Theater in Cincy among other places. I highly recommend this band.

The Wallflowers

I have no earthly idea where I saw these guys. Maybe the old Capital Theater on High Street in Columbus?

Paul Westerberg

I’d waited many a year to see the former Replacements frontman in person, and it was one helluva show. It was at The Newport, which was perfect, and one of my friends said it was the first time he’d actually seen a real life rock star. Westerberg growled/wailed his tunes in black jeans, boots and a leather jacket, all the while smoking a cigarette and barking at the occasional roadie. At one point he played while laying on his back, and he added covers like “If I Had a Hammer” and “Daydream Believer” along with his solo stuff and some Replacement classics. Just an amazing, powerful performance from a rock legend that I’ve admired for years. I’ll never forget it.

Ben Folds (4)

Ben always puts on a great show, and the interaction with his fans is incredible. I last saw him in the fall of last year and he hadn’t lost a step.

Billy Bragg

This show was at Mountain Stage, West Virginia, and was actually broadcast live on National Public Radio. For some reason I remember Billy telling the audience that on the way to the show his bus had passed a little town with an interesting name – Bragg. Weird the stuff you remember.

MC Honky

MC Honky was actually Mark Oliver Everett, otherwise known as E of the Eels. He opened for, you guessed it, The Eels. Strange but interesting night.

Taylor Swift

Yep, I saw her at OU-Chillicothe at the very beginning of her career back in 2007, performing before maybe 2500 people. She’d only had a couple hits at that time, and I remember she stood at the back of the gym after the show until she’d signed every single fan’s autograph. There was no dancing or anything like that, she basically just sat on a stool and played her songs solo.

Bruce Springsteen

Bruce Springsteen & the E Street Band*

Quite simply one of the best live performers to have ever lived. There was no big light show, no video screens, no theatrics. Just Bruce and the band playing straight ahead rock and roll. I saw The Boss at Nationwide Arena in Columbus, and it was unforgettable.

Buddy Guy*

Buddy opened for Clapton at The Schott in the late 00s, and he was spectacular.

Bon Jovi* (4)

An ex of mine had a deep, unapologetic love for Jon Bon Jovi, hence the many trips to see the band. They’re crazy good live, and the trips were worth it to me to watch Richie Sambora play guitar. All the shows were at large arenas.

Goo Goo Dolls

I saw the Goos in their heyday, which was sometime around 1998-1999. according to my internal heyday meter. I must say Johnny Rzeznik and the boys were pretty damn good. I cannot recall where I saw them.

Cracker (3)

Love me some Cracker, and I’ve seen them at Kelley’s in the OBX, the Southgate House in northern Kentucky, and the Picktown Palooza (yes, such a thing exists). I’ve had the pleasure to meet guitarist Johnny Hickman a few times and am happy to report that he’s a good dude.

Green Day*

I took my son to see these guys at The Schott in Columbus as part of my Expose My Kid to The Legends Project (he’s seen McCartney, R.E.M., AC/DC, The Eels, and several others) and they were just about what you’d expect. Those little dudes are like Energizer Bunnies, man. It was their American Idiot Tour I believe.

AC/DC*

AC/DC

Tremendous show at The Schott, and for some reason I was pleasantly surprised at how good of a guitarist Angus Young is. I should have known I guess? Anyway, there were more 50-year old boobs on display than I care to recall.

Eric Clapton*

Saw Slowhand at Nationwide Arena, and it was something to behold. See, even though the show was 2 1/2 hours long Clapton didn’t play that many songs. All the tunes were a long, bluesy numbers and every one was breathtakingly good. Although a few morons were yelling for them there was no “I Shot the Sheriff” or “Tears in Heaven.” To top off the greatness of the show, Derek Trucks was a part of the band and Robert Cray came out to jam during the last 30-minutes or so. Legendary.

Robert Cray 

See Eric Clapton above.

Angels & Airwaves

A & A is led by Blink-182’s Tom Delonge, and I went to The Newport with my son to see the band in the mid-00s. Kip wanted to get down front, so we worked our way down to the right front of the stage with yours truly against a railing. Suffice to say the mosh pit was deadly, my ribs were crushed repeatedly against the railing, and I could barely get out of bed the next day. Hey, you have to sacrifice for family. On a related note, it was totally worth it.

The Color Fred

These guys opened for A & A and I have very little recollection as to whether they were any good.

Fuel

I caught Fuel at a small venue in Columbus, but I can’t remember the exact location. Interesting crowd at Fuel shows.

The Smithereens

I saw these guys at the Roanoke Island Festival Park in Manteo, NC as part of a big summer show with 4 other acts. I’ve always loved The Smithereens and they did not fail me.

Scars on 45

Scars on 45 are English band that was a part of the Mateo show. They impressed me.

Gin Blossoms (3)

I’ve seen these guys at the Manteo Festival, Summerfest and Bogey’s in Dublin, OH.

Spin Doctors

Another band at the Manteo concert, and believe me when I say they still have it.

Joan Jett*

Joan headlined the big Manteo show and she was stunningly good. On a related note, the Roanoke Festival Park is a stunning venue with the backdrop to the stage being the Roanoke Sound. Beautiful.

Social Distortion’s Mike Ness

Social Distortion

After years of trying I finally got to see Mike Ness and Social D at what was then LC Pavilion in Columbus a few years ago. They were everything I expected them to be.

Mudhoney

My buddy Goose and I caught the legendary grunge rockers at tiny Café Bourbon Street in Columbus in 2010. Lead singer Mark Arm, the man who coined the term “grunge”, was in top form. I felt lucky to have seen them, and Arm gave me the setlist. Boom.

Manchester Orchestra

This band opened for My Chemical Romance and Blink-182 in Cincinnati. My only recollection is that they had a lush, orchestral sound, hence their name choice I guess.

My Chemical Romance (2)

I’ve seen MCR twice, once opening for Green Day in Columbus and once for Blink-182 in Cincinnati. On both occasions they were very good, and it turned out that the Cincy tour was their last.

Blink-182

Blink-182

My son was a big Blink guy and this show was pretty special. I recall sitting in the parking lot waiting for the rain to stop, and when it did we debated whether to make a run for the gates. We decided in the affirmative, and when we were exactly halfway to our destination the torrential downpour began anew. We were drenched for the entire show. I also remember that the banter between Tom Delonge and Mark Hoppes was hilarious. Really good show.

Band of Horses

Saw Band of Horse open for My Morning Jacket a few years ago and I thought they were fantastic. I actually enjoyed them more than the headliner.

My Morning Jacket

I don’t know, there’s something about these guys that’s sort of monotonous to me. Can’t say I loved it.

Bowling for Soup

A couple years ago I went to see Bowling for Soup at the A&R in Columbus. The show was at 7:00, but as I am want to do I went up around 4:00 to scout out the terrain. I could hear the band doing a soundcheck inside, and there was a line of probably 150 people sitting outside the door and down the sidewalk. I thought what the hell, I’ll take a shot at this. I walked past all the people, up to the door, and as luck would have it the door was open. I walked in, nodded at a few security guys in A&R polos, and sauntered on to the front of the stage and watched the guys warm up. After a bit I walked to the back of the venue and was leaning against the wall when I was approached by a very large dude. I was expecting the worst, but the guy said, “Hey, have you seen Greg?” I looked around as if I knew who the hell Greg was, then told him, “No, not recently.” He then thanked me and gave me a knuckle-bump before departing. Crisis averted. Then, a short while later I swear this happened: The band stopped and the lead singer looked straight at me and asked, “Whaddaya think? Is that enough bass?” The world stopped for a second as the entire band and everyone in the venue looked at me. I nodded knowingly and gave the thumbs-up sign as the bass player shot me a return thumbs-up before kicking into another tune. At that point I had cred with the entire place so I could basically do whatever I wanted. What can I say? The secret is acting like you belong. Bottom line, I saw the soundcheck and the show, and both were great.

Bacon Brothers

I was invited to this show at an outdoor mall somewhere in Dayton, and I have to say Kevin Bacon and his brother were pretty good. Somebody opened but I can’t recall the band name.

Lit

I saw Lit along with the Gin Blossoms and the next three bands during the Summerland Tour a few years back. Lit was excellent, Gin Blossoms were very good, Marcy Playground was Ok, Sugar Ray was surprisingly amazing and Everclear was disappointing.

Sugar Ray

See Lit.

Marcy Playground

See Lit.

Everclear

See Lit.

The Hold Steady

The Hold Steady

Caught these guys in Cincy at Bogart’s (I think). They were excellent. Really underrated band in my opinion.

Nathanael Rateliff & the Night Sweats (2)

Saw their show at the Nelsonville Music Festival a couple years back and they were great. They also opened for Kings of Leon last summer.

Sister Hazel

Urban Meyer’s favorite band played Bogey’s in Dublin/Muirfield a couple years ago along with the Gin Blossoms. And yes, Urb and Shelley were in attendance.

Soul Asylum

For the life of me I cannot recall where I saw Soul Asylum, but I remember it being a grungy little bar type of establishment. Go figure. It was towards the beginning of their success.

Kings of Leon

Attended a KOL show at Riverbend in Cincinnati last summer. Great band, great show.

Guided by Voices

One of my friends is a big fan so I went with him to see his hero Robert Pollard. I’m glad I went.

Tedeschi Trucks Band

Amazing band I saw during their Wheels of Soul Tour back in 2015 at the PNC Pavilion in The Natti. They’re unbelievable live.

Avett Brothers (7)

The Avett Brothers

I first laid ears on The Avetts around ’05 in the Outer Banks, and have since seen them in Raleigh, NC, The Louisville Palace in KY, and several other venues in Ohio. One of my favorite live bands currently.

Tall Heights

I saw this band open for Ben Folds last fall. Cool sound.

Todd Snider

Todd is one of my friend’s favorite artists, and I must say I enjoyed the show. I think we saw him in Cincinnati. I think. UPDATE: I checked. It was at the Madison Theater in Cincy.

The Pixies (2)

The Pixies were on my Bucket List, and thankfully I’ve seen them twice in the last year or so. The first was at Express Live! in Columbus and the second at an amazing show I’ll talk about shortly. Just a legendary, influential alternative band.

John Hiatt

I love John Hiatt and I finally got to see him a couple years ago in Columbus. I think it was The Palace, and it was just John and his guitar. Incredible performance.

Rick Brantley

Opened for John Hiatt, and I remember his song “Hurt People” the most.

G-Love

G-Love opened for Jack Johnson and he was great. He came out later with Jack to sing “Rodeo Clowns” and it was amazing.

Jack Johnson

I was never a huge Jack Johnson fan but he won me over a few weeks ago at Riverbend in Cincinnati. It was a laid back, mellow show with a tremendous vibe.

Foo Fighters

Foo Fighters (2)

Ah, The Foos. I’ve seen them twice in the past 10-months and they blew me away. The first show was in Cincy at US Bank Arena (formerly Riverfront Coliseum) and just the other night at Ruoff Home Mortgage Music Center in Noblesville, IN outside Indianapolis. The Indy show was special because we were 12-rows back. Incredible night. PS – Dave Grohl is a God.

The Struts (2)

The Struts are a Queen-influenced group fronted by a guy named Luke Spiller, who is fantastic. They opened for the Foo Fighters both times I saw them. High energy, rockin’ band.

The Wombats

I loved The Wombats back in the late 80s, and if you didn’t like “Let’s Dance to the Joy Division” you are a phony, a pretender, and you have the musical taste of a ferret. I finally saw them a couple weeks ago as the opener for The Pixies and then Weezer, and as expected they killed it.

Weezer

Weezer

To be honest I went to the Weezer show for opening acts The Wombats and The Pixies, but to my surprise Weezer blew the roof off at Riverbend. I mean, I knew they’d be good but they were way better than I expected. Incredible show that actually shocked me, and I don’t shock easily.

Jimmy Buffett (3)

I first saw Buffett in 1977, again in the late 80s, and finally a couple weeks ago in Cincinnati. Buffett shows are basically one big beach party, replete with leis, bikinis and margaritas, among other things [clears throat]. You get the picture.

And those are all the concerts I can ever remember attending, although I know I’m going to think of more. When I do I’ll update this blog. There were also a couple notable shows I missed, as well as some cool upcoming concerts I’m pumped about . . .

J-u-s-t Missed Shows:

The Who

Yep we had tickets to Riverfront Coliseum the night of the tragedy where 11-people were crushed to death, and we were actually on the way to the concert. Fortunately we were stupid enough to think a party in Chillicothe would be more fun, and it might have saved our lives. And yes, I know about a million people claim to have had tickets to that show. We actually did.

Lynyrd Skynyrd

I had tickets for a show at St. John’s Arena in Columbus on October 28th, 1978, but unfortunately we all know what happened 8-days prior – their plane crashed in Mississippi. I’ll never forget waking up the morning and my roommate Jed telling me what had happened. And, being the 21-year old jackass that I was, I returned my ticket because I thought I needed the $8.25 or whatever the hell the ticket cost back then, probably to buy beer.

Upcoming Shows:

Blackberry Smoke (Riverbend, Cincinnati)

ELO (Little Caesar’s Arena, Detroit)

Pearl Jam (Wrigley Field, Chicago)

Nathanael Rateliff & the Night Sweats (Express Live, Columbus)

Tedeschi Trucks Band (The Palace, Columbus)