Author Archive

Advertisements

Her name is Pierogi, and she is awesome.

[click and scroll]

Awww.

Earlier this autumn, an asteroid named Oumuamua captured the attention of the scientific world when it was confirmed as the first known object from outside the solar system. Now, Breakthrough Listen wants to see if it’s the first sign of life beyond our planet.  On Wednesday, the $100 million project to detect potential evidence of extraterrestrials plans to use the Robert C. Byrd Green Bank Telescope in West Virginia to observe the asteroid across four radio bands for 10-hours. “Most likely it is of natural origin, but because it is so peculiar, we would like to check if it has any sign of artificial origin, such as radio emissions,” Avi Loeb, professor of astronomy at Harvard University and an adviser to Breakthrough Listen, told The Guardian. “If we do detect a signal that appears artificial in origin, we’ll know immediately. We don’t want to be sensational in any way, and we are very realistic about the chances this is artificial,” Yuri Milner, the Silicon Valley billionaire behind the Breakthrough Initiatives, told Scientific American. “But because this is a unique situation, we think mankind can afford 10 hours of observing time using the best equipment on the planet to check a low-probability hypothesis. Oumuamua’s unusual cigar shape ― 10 times longer than it is wide ― was also “the most likely architecture for an interstellar spacecraft since this would minimize friction and damage from interstellar gas and dust,” the organization said. However, “a natural origin is more likely.”

Well, hell. It’s happening. It’s really happening. A cigar-shaped alien spaceship is cruising by earth. Everybody stand really still and try to act inconspicuous. Maybe Oumuamua won’t see us. Seriously, everybody knows asteroids aren’t long and thin. They’re all jaggedy and whatnot. That’s just science. You know what is longer and than it is wide and flies through space? A damn alien spaceship, that’s what. Now excuse me while I take Sparky with me to my underground lair.

PS- My underground lair is fully stocked with Cheez-Its, Cheez Whiz, Wonder Bread and Rock Star Punch energy drinks. That’s all I need until Chuck Norris and Steven Seagal take care of these freaks.

PPS- Can you imagine what Trump would do if aliens landed in DC? He’d probably finish his round of golf in Florida and then fly to Russia to ask Putin to protect him.

PPPS- I lied in my first PS. I’d have some booze down there too.

Sweet Mother of all that is holy, somebody make me this.

CORPUS CHRISTI, Texas — Personal injury attorney Thomas J. Henry knows how to throw a party.  This weekend, he made sure his son’s 18th birthday didn’t fall short. The $4-million dollar party for Thomas Henry Jr. was held at Hotel Discotheque lounge in San Antonio. The event had a Gatsby-mixed-with-burlesque theme complete with showgirls, aerial performers, art installations and contortionists.

The party featured performances by Diplo, J Balvin and Migos. Celebrity guests included Ashanti, Rumer Willis, Lance Bass, Josh Henderson, Adrienne Bailon, Joanna Krupa, Aubrey O’Day, Austin Mahone and others. The star of the party, who sat on a throne-like chair when he wasn’t dancing, was given a fully loaded blue Ferrari, an IWC Portugieser Tourbillion watch and a custom-made painting from Alec Monopoly.

Thomas, when he wasn’t dancing, sat on an elevated throne-like chair at the front of the room. 

Meh. Big deal. Who hasn’t had a Gatsby-mixed-with-burlesque themed birthday party complete with showgirls, aerial performers, art installations and contortionists? That’s a normal Tuesday evening rager here in Southern Ohio. And seriously, Diplo? That’s a low-rent rapper if one ever existed.*

Seriously, I guarantee I had more fun on my 18th birthday than Thomas J. Henry. My friends and I went down to the creek, built a bonfire and listened to Alice Cooper while chugging Stroh’s beer and shots of Old Grand-Dad. And I didn’t have a throne-like chair but Mary Jo Corbett and I sat on a really comfortable log. Plus it didn’t cost $4-million. More like $17.26. You can’t put a price on a good time, kids.

*I have no idea who Diplo is.

 

658B8464-3343-4023-BCBA-D8F1E6094FDBHow is Todd Rundgren not in the Rock Hall of Fame? HOW?

Todd Rundgren not only recorded what is in my opinion one of the greatest albums in history, Something/Anything?, he’s an amazing, ground-breaking producer as well. He produced the albums Straight Up by Badfinger, Stage Fright by The Band, We’re An American Band by Grand Funk Railroad, Bat Out of Hell by Meat Loaf, and New York Dolls by the New York Dolls among many, many others. Folks, those are some amazing, historical albums.

Todd was a forerunner in creating music videos, and his video for the song Time Heals was one of the first videos played on MTV.

In addition, his song Couldn’t I Just Tell You has had a major influence on artists in the power pop musical genre.

Oh, and in 1985 Todd recorded the incredible album A Cappella, which was recorded using his multi-tracked voice, accompanied by arrangements constructed entirely from programmed vocal samples. Again, no instruments, just his voice imitating instruments. I’d like to see Hall of Famer Robin Zander of Cheap Trick try that.

Rundgren has also played nearly every instrument on many of his albums, and he’s played them well.

If you want to read my blog about his greatest album, click this link:

Something/Anything?: Todd Rundgren’s Magnum Opus

Todd needs to be in The Hall, man.

Canadians, man.

Go ahead, make your Clinton jokes. My title up there sets you up perfectly. I don’t care. Something about our 42nd president hiding between the statues of our 41st and 43rd presidents cracks me up. I mean, Bill looks like he’s guilty of someth . . . never mind. Anyway, great photo.

Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. Kayla more giving rock solid proof that she and Roy aren’t anti-Semitic because of their attorneys is a Jew. This reminds me of morons that say things like this:

“I’m not racist. One of my friends is black.”

or . . .

“I’m not biased against fast food. I ate at a White Castle once.”

Or perhaps . . .

“I don’t hate ugly people. One of my friends is so ugly she sat in a sandbox and the cats tried to bury her.”

You get my drift. It’s a dumb, pointless argument that has zero merit. Of course, Mrs. Moore also said this awhile back as well regarding the good old days:

“I think it was great at the time when families were united — even though we had slavery. They cared for one another. People were strong in the families. Our families were strong. Our country had a direction.”

Ah, the good old days when America was great, even though we had that little slavery thing. Don’t we all long for that simpler, more racist time?

Good God.

Anyway, enjoy the video. On a related note, could Roy look any creepier?

Note: I cannot wait for the threats I receive after this one. As always I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

Bloomberg — President Donald Trump on Monday will direct the National Aeronautics and Space Administration to send American astronauts back to the moon, shifting the agency’s mission from the study of Earth and a longer-range plan to explore Mars. Trump is scheduled to sign a directive to the NASA administrator on Monday outlining the new mission. Deputy White House Press Secretary Hogan Gidley said in a statement that the new policy reflects recommendations from the National Space Council, a White House advisory panel Trump appointed earlier in the year. 

Hell yes! It’s about time! USA! USA! USA! I just hope to hell we can beat those Russians up there, especially after we threw down the gauntlet back in ’62. Thank God The Donald is going to fulfill JFK’s promise of getting there before 1970 2017. Get to the moon and get there post haste, ‘Merica!

PS- All jokes aside, can you believe nobody’s walked on the moon since 1972? All that hubbub about racing to the moon and we quit after getting there a few times. Also, only Americans have walked on the moon. That’s cray-cray.

PPS- What are the odds Trump thinks the moon is made of cheese? 93%?

I swear I get dizzy looking at some of these. People, man.

[click to scroll through the photos]

Ballooning is a means by which spiders can move through the air by releasing one or more threads to catch the wind and sail away like a boss. We’ve all seen Charlotte’s Web, right? Anyway, by these means they are wafted aloft and are at the mercy of the air currents. This procedure is mostly used by spiderlings to disperse, but adult spiders have been observed using it too. The spider climbs to a high point, stands on its toes and points its abdomen to the sky, releasing fine silk threads until lift-off occurs. Journeys achieved vary from a few yards to hundreds of miles. Even ships in mid-ocean have reported spider landings. That’s cool, man. Spiderling Paratroopers. True story: Once when I was teaching PE I had a group of 2nd Graders out on our softball field. Suddenly a kid pointed to the sky and yelled, “Flying spiders! FLYING SPIDERS!!!” And damned if he wasn’t right. Hundreds if not thousands of ballooning spiders were seemingly attacking us from the heavens, landing in hair, on clothes, everywhere. It was scary as hell for me the kids.  Anywho, Ballooning Spiders.

PS- If you don’t think I’m going to use the term “spiderling” in the future you’re out of your gourd.

I weep for our future. And our present.

[Click to view]

You guys know how all these wild conspiracy theories interest me. JFK, the supposed death of Paul McCartney, hell, I even posted about cartoons and the movie Back to the Future predicting 9/11. And have I mentioned that Stevie Wonder may not be blind? Anywho, this stuff make compelling reading even if you’re 99% certain it isn’t true.

Still, there’s that 1%. That’s what makes it all fascinating.

Anyway, what you’re about to read and see may be the wildest, most outlandish theory of all – Elvis Presley was an extra in Home Alone.

Because of course he was.

There is a scene midway through the film, where Catherine O’Hara’s character is bartering with an airline employee over a ticket counter in a Scranton Airport. A bearded man in a sports coat and turtleneck hovers over her left shoulder, occasionally expressing his impatience with his body language. This man, many believe, is played by none other than The King himself. Let’s take a gander . . .

Huh. Well, Elvis grew a beard for the movie Charro back in the 60’s. Let us compare:

Damn, that is a close resemblance. But oh, there’s more.

Well, now I’m all shook up. Say no more. I’m convinced. I know suspicious minds won’t concur, but Elvis was in the movie Home Alone 13-years after his alleged “death.” Come on Elvis. Don’t be cruel. It’s now or never. It’s time for your big comeback.

Have a blue Christmas everybody!

PS- If you know that actor’s name please don’t tell me. Let me keep on believin’.

 

Just when I’d lost all hope, when hatred and heartlessness seemed to rule, a hero has emerged from the darkness. A hero that believes, like Hippocrates and myself, that “the soul is the same in all living creatures, although the body of each is different.” Seriously, dude ran into a raging wildfire to save a bunny. That’s cool.

You’re welcome. Click to enlarge.

FORT WALTON BEACH, Fla. (AP) — An opossum that apparently drank bourbon after breaking into a Florida liquor store sobered up at a wildlife rescue center and was released unharmed.
Emerald Coast Wildlife Refuge officials say the opossum was brought in by a Fort Walton Beach, Florida, police officer on Nov. 24. A liquor store employee found the animal next to an empty bottle of bourbon.

“A worker there found the opossum up on a shelf next to a cracked open bottle of liquor with nothing in it,” said Michelle Pettis, a technician at the refuge. Pettis told the Panama City News Herald the opossum appeared disoriented, was excessively salivating and was pale. The staff pumped the marsupial full of fluids and cared for her as she sobered up. 

The store owner, Cash Moore, says he never had an opossum break in before.
“When she came through she knocked a bottle of liquor off the shelf,” Moore said. “When she got down on the floor she drank the whole damn bottle.”

The animal was released on Thursday.

Nothing worse than a burglar opossum that can’t hold her liquor, amirite? Little lady busts into a liquor store and proceeds to get soused like an amateur. A dog would’ve taken the bottle home, mixed it with some Angostura Bitters or Sweet Vermouth, sat down with a good book in front of the fire and enjoyed the evening. But no, a few sips wasn’t enough for Miss Opossum. She just had to drink the whole damn bottle and pass out like a damn housecat.

PS- How in the hell does an opossum look pale? They’re white, dude.

PPS- Disoriented? Ya think?

PPPS- I just realized I’ve written several blogs about drunk animals. Drunk bears, drunk pigs, even drunk squirrels. Animals, man.

Page Six: A dog ran amok at Andrew Lloyd Webber’s “Cats” this week. Sources at the Neil Simon Theatre tell us an audience member’s service dog named Zeus “got away from its owner and ran after Bombalurina during the opening number.” Luckily, a fast-moving usher intervened and returned the wayward canine to its mortified owner. 

Listen, if you’re dumb enough to dress like a cat you deserve to be chased by a dog. Dude was just doing what dogs do – protecting his owner. He saw a giant cat running around up there and decided danger was afoot. I’m just sad that Zeus didn’t catch Bombalurina and end the show in bloodshed right then and there.

PS- Only these idiots would have a show called “Cats” and none called “Dogs.” Broadway, man.

PPS- I’d never go see “Cats” because there’s a scene where they come in the audience and sit on your lap. I’m afraid I’d punch one of the cats right in the throat.

Eerie.

Just another example of the wide-ranging topics covered at Shoe: Untied.

NY Post — Lauer has made one statement regarding his firing from NBC’s “Today” for alleged sexual harassment, saying, “Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. It is now my full-time job.” A source says, “Matt has no intention of returning to public life. He wants to be a regular Joe, just staying in the Hamptons and playing golf. He is going to stick to his one statement and not address the allegations further.”

I say bravo to Matt Lauer. Bravo sir! Just going back to joining the common man in the Hamptons. Hell, any of us common folk could run into Matt at anytime, as long as we’re, you know, playing golf in the Hamptons. On a related note, Matt Lauer can go straight to hell.

Oh hell yes.

Well, hell. This sucks. Looks like Santa bought the farm yesterday. Just hit that tree full bore and crashed into the sand like a bag of dead elves. Kids in total shock, just aghast like you read about. And did you notice the rescuer who tried to be a first responder? A little dachshund. Then again, maybe saw a fresh dinner, who knows. Anyway, sorry kids. Santa’s dead.

Note: That “bag of dead elves” line was one of my best ever. Bringing my A game today, baby. 

Holy Jesus that Rainbow Wrasse is a purty fish. The Rainbow Wrasse is a colorful fish that can be found in the Mediterranean Sea and in the northeast Atlantic Ocean from Sweden to Senegal. It is widely thought to be ah what the hell who cares? It’s a gorgeous fish. Anywho, Rainbow Wrasse.