Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Nope.

Rueters: No one loves the Home of Unlimited Soup, Salad, and Breadsticks as much as one Arkansas couple who has decided to name their daughter after Olive Garden. When Justin and Jordan Garton found out that they would be having their first child in December 2017, they knew they wanted to give her a name with “Italian origins,” ABC News reports. After considering and then rejecting the name Olive Garton, they landed on the much more subtle Olivia Garton. Soon after marrying in 2015, the Gartons bought Olive Garden’s famous “never-ending pasta pass” for $100, allowing them to eat unlimited amounts of pasta and guzzle countless soft drinks at their local restaurant for a set period of time. For six to seven weeks, the couple ate there every single day. Because of Justin’s Italian roots and their love of the eatery, when the couple found out they were expecting, they knew they wanted to give their first child an Italian name. For a while, they considered naming her Olive but ultimately decided it would be too much — they feared kids would bully their daughter named after the Italian eatery. When they landed on Olivia, though, they both knew “immediately” that it was the one. In their minds, that’s a less mockable pun. The couple also landed on a middle name, Michelle. Her initials will be OMG.

Hey Justin and Jordan Garton, let me give you some advice. If you don’t want your kid bullied, don’t name her after an Italian restaurant chain. And what will you name your next kid? Redd Lawbster? Crakker Barrell? Buffelow Wildwing? PF Chang? Wait. That last one might actually work.

And OMG for her initials? Nah, that will never get here picked on.

On a related note, I shall now give my Top 5 restaurants you could name your kid after and it would be cool:

  1. Bonefish
  2. Carrabba
  3. Longhorn (boys only)
  4. O’ Charley
  5. Benihana

Thank you and goodnight.

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[click on photos to see alien stuff]

USA Today – A number of prehistoric drawings have sparked a local government to seek the help of NASA after the images appeared to depict extraterrestrial life. Discovered in Charama, India, the images appear to show aliens and UFOs, similar to scenes of a sci-fi movie. According to local archaeologist JR Bhagat it is unclear as to what the images reveal. He said: “The findings suggest that humans in prehistoric times may have seen or imagined beings from other planets which still create curiosity among people and researchers. “In a few pictures, they beings even shown wearing space suits.”

The archaeologists have contacted NASA to help solve the mystery.

Well, well. Where are all those weather balloon excuses now? Seriously, I’m listening because I need an answer. Why, you ask? Because cave men were drawing pictures of aliens and spaceships 10,000 FREAKING YEARS AGO. Honestly, man, try and convince me that these drawings were a hoax perpetrated by cavemen:

Hey Gernk, let’s draw some pictures of made-up outer space people on the wall over here. It’ll drive people in 2018 insane.

No way man. They were here, are still here, and are living in the bodies of people like Oprah or your Uncle Hank as we speak. Hell, I wrote about this awhile back. Anywho, if this ain’t proof I don’t know what is.

Not the actual lion but a man can dream, right?

Daily Mail: A big cat poacher has been killed and eaten by the pride of lion he was hunting at a private game reserve in South Africa. The hunter was heard screaming for help as he was attacked at the Ingwelala Private Nature Reserve in Hoedspruit outside Phalaborwa. But the lions quickly killed their victim and devoured most of his body before being chased off, leaving his head untouched. A hunting rifle was found close to what was left of the blood drenched body. 

Man, what a great way to start the day, huh? It’s like Christmas morning up in here. Nothing is better than an animal turning the tables on bad humans. Nothing. Hey, Mr. Poacher, how do like me now? Oh, that’s right, you can’t like anything because all that’s left of you is your head! Hahahahaha! Karma baby!

PS- You know those lions left that head on purpose. Talk about sending a message to the poaching community. Boom. Bring it on, poachers.

 

So Tom Brady sent this gem out yesterday, just to remind us that he’s Tom Brady and we’re not, that he’s married to a super model, and they’re about to get cozy on some island in the Caribbean. Just cocky as all hell. But hey, Tommy? You can’t deflect attention from the fact you lost that Super Bowl, big guy. Plus your shoes and shorts combo sucks.

So these dudes showed up at the Winter Olympics opening ceremonies and caused a little ruckus before they were hustled off by authorities. They actually look pretty authentic to me, other than the fact that the fake Trump has better hair than the real Trump. Nice job boys. Nice job indeed.

Somebody’s going to get shot pulling this stuff one day.

Super Bowl 48-hours away? Going after my 6th ring? No biggie. I’ll just go to a Timberwolves game with my girlfriend and her leather pants. Maybe take in a movie later. Belichick, man. You know Philly’s Coach Pederson saw this and immediately ran and watched more film because Bill seems way too relaxed right now. Almost like he knows something.

Listen, everyone knows I think that we as a society go w-a-y overboard on all the politically correct crap that seems to have taken over our lives. Everyone needs to lighten up and chill, as the kids say. That said, man, were we sexist, chauvinist idiots back in the day. What you’ll find below are some amazingly in-your-face sexist ads that would never, ever see the light of today now, and for good reason. Check ’em out:

Because everyone knows the perfect wife keeps a clean house while staying skinny. Ugh.

I can’t believe this stuff actually existed. Thank God nowadays both women AND men can cry to get what they want.

Wait. What? Women used Lysol for feminine hygiene? I am beyond confused right now.

So this ad is saying, “Ladies, don’t use Midol because it makes you feel better. Use it so your man will enjoy being around you.” Sigh.

This is basically an ad promoting rape, is it not? What the hell, man?

Honest to God, I’m getting pissed right now. I can’t believe my mother didn’t read something like this and immediately punch someone in the throat.

This car was advertised as being simple enough for even a lowly woman to drive. Somewhere, Danica Patrick’s head just exploded.

I love how they always had the woman in a dress in these ridiculous ads. And the “we all know a woman’s place is in the kitchen” line is so 50’s it hurts.

Because we all know that every woman’s dream is to have a new kitchen appliance.

Honestly, I can’t argue with the main point of this ad, and that is that the beer is O.K.

What the hell is that dude doing with a shirt and tie on in bed?

Because nothing sells coffee like domestic abuse.

No. No she will not.

“Respond to non-verbal cues, like the snapping of fingers.” No words, man. No words.

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

God I hope this is real.

I suppose if you’re not an NFL fan this will hold no interest for you, but New England’s Defensive Coordinator (and future Detroit Lion’s Head Coach) Matt Patricia is sort of known for his bushy beard and burly appearance. Hence, a pic of him beardless and babyfaced is sort of jarring. Check it:

What can I tell ya? It’s a slow day At Shoe: Untied World Headquarters.

Here are some things the non-sports fan should know: New England plays Jacksonville this weekend in the AFC Championship game. It’s the Patriots vs the Jaguars. In addition, the Patriots have been accused of cheating several times. Also, New Englanders have accents. All of that makes this sign excellent on many levels. Enjoy.

Listen, everyone knows I’m not a Trump guy. I think he’s an ignorant racist who’s running our country into the ground. That said, I gotta be honest. I respect this move. It’s so Trump it hurts. Dude doesn’t like the question from a reporter who was clearly trolling him so he just points to the door and says “Out.” That’s about as boss a move as you can pull. On a related note, what is the over/under on how many times Trump says to Pence every day? 5? Actually that may be low.

Note: Try and find another website that uses the word baddassiest. You can’t. 

Note 2: The Donald is looking unusually slim in this video. Maybe he really does weigh 285 239.

Regular readers of Shoe: Untied know well of my love of words. Hey, my acclaimed blog Word Up: Snorkel, Curds and Uranus was an international hit, man. Another popular offering was Cool Beans! Words and Phrases That Need To Make a Comeback. I also wrote a little piece about our old buddy Willy Shakespeare that seemed to strike a chord with folks across the globe.

Anyway, you get the picture.

My latest idea regarding words once again takes us back to days of yore, to a time when people wrote and spoke with much more class and dignity than we do today. By the way, their penmanship was also better. Check it:

Not even kidding.

But back to the words. I’ve chosen 14 of them to share with you, my loyal followers. Let us begin. By the way, feel free to use these words copiously but judiciously.

Ultracrepidarian

Somebody who gives opinions on something they know nothing about.

We all know an Ultracrepidarian, do we not? I know several, but I shall not name names. Yet.

Fudgel

To pretend to work while actually doing nothing.

See? That’s cool man. I shall henceforth stay in my office and fudgel tomorrow morning.

Twattling

Gossiping idly about unimportant things.

Today twattling is known as “shooting the shit.” You’re welcome.

Uhtceare

Lying awake and worrying about the day ahead.

We’ve all experienced uhtceare for sure. We just didn’t know what to call it.

Groke

Someone who stares at you while you eat, hoping you’ll share.

I’ll never forget the moment 3-minues ago when I first realized my best friend was a groke. Sorry Spark.

Snollygoster

A shrewd, unprincipled politician.

You can bet I’ll use this one liberally in future blogs. Pun intended.

Philogrobilized

Having a hangover but without admitting to actually drinking.

Oh, I had an ex who fit this definition to a T.

Dysania

Extreme difficulty in getting out of bed in the morning.

How many people do you know that suffer from the horrors of Dysania? Yep. That’s what I thought. Now you know what to call it.

Kakistocracy

Government by the least qualified or worst people.

[Insert your own Trump administration joke here]

Grumbletonians

People who are angry or unhappy with their government.

Lemme tell ya, kids, it’s hard not to be a grumbletonian when you live in a kakistocracy.

Lanspresado

Someone who always shows up conveniently with no money.

Again, all these years and I’ve been calling these guys moochers. Lanspresados sounds so much cooler.

Callipygian

Having beautiful, well-shaped buttocks.

Well, well. We need this word in today’s world, amirite? On a related note, you could probably get away with calling a woman this without getting in trouble so there’s that.

Shivviness

The uncomfortable feeling of wearing new underwear.

I gotta be honest here. I’ve never felt uncomfortable earing new underwear. Thus, I’ve never experienced shivviness.

Cacoethes

The irresistible urge to do something inadvisable.

Oh, have I felt cacoethes before. Many times. And to my chagrin, the urge has won. At least I know the name for it now.

So what do you think? Some of these words need to be brought back into modern lexicon, right? And it’s up to us, my friends, to make it happen. We got this. Let’s do it.

TALLAHASSEE — About 1 a.m. Thursday, 20-year-old Shane Missler wrote on Twitter: “The power of positive thinking should not be underestimated!”

By that time he already knew he had won the lottery.

And not just any jackpot, but $451 million.

Missler bought five quick-pick Mega Millions tickets last week at a 7-Eleven store in Port Richey, where his family lives. One was the sole winner of the fourth-largest Mega Millions jackpot of all time, lottery officials said. Missler, grinning widely and clutching a yellow envelope, turned it in Friday shortly after noon at the Florida Lottery headquarters in Tallahassee. He was with his dad and a lawyer, and said, “I’m only 20, but I hope to use it to pursue a variety of passions, help my family and do some good for humanity. If there is one thing I’ve learned thus far in my short time on earth, it is that those who maintain a positive mind-set and stay true to themselves get rewarded. I really wasn’t surprised. I actually expected this.” 

Man, what a heartwarming story. A young man walks into a 7-Eleven, buys a lottery ticket and wins $451-million, all because of the power of positive thinking and staying true to himself. What a wonderful . . . I can’t do this. This kid makes me sick. He’s 20 and naive and actually believes his own bullshit. Listen, thinking positively works when you’re doing physical or mental things like shooting a free throw or taking a test. But buying a lottery ticket in a total game of chance where no skill is involved? Son, it had nothing whatsoever to do with your outlook on life or “being true to yourself”, whatever that means. You got lucky. Oh, and to say you “expected this” after winning $451-million is the height of arrogance. Nobody believes you.

PS: Shane Missler can go straight to hell. 

 

From Florida, of course:

A man says he was letting his dog outside in Florida when a large black bear attacked him.

Andrew Meunier tells local news outlets that he let his dog out of his home about 11 p.m. Tuesday and spotted the 4-foot bear standing next to him when he stepped outside. He said he struggled to get away and managed to get back through his front door. A 911 call revealed that Meunier suffered a minor facial laceration from the bear attack. He sought treatment at a local hospital and received 41 stitches.

“I’m just happy to be alive,” Meunier said. “It could’ve been a totally different story.”

Please. A 4-foot bear is large? People in Canada, Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho are laughing their asses off right now. Also some people in Ohio and this guy for sure. Hell, an 11-year old is 4-feet tall. Give me a break. Also Andrew Meunier, where was your dog when this happened? Did he run off like his owner? Sparky would’ve taken a 4-foot bear down in mere seconds. Just ask that coyote he tangled with a couple years ago. Floridians, man.

PS- That dude looks like Ben Roethlisberger after yesterday’s game with the Jaguars.

Yep. Short.

Kiss Cam Cameraman With The Save!

Posted: January 12, 2018 in Gifs, Humor
Tags:

You know how they have those Kiss Cams at sporting events? All of a sudden you find you and your partner on the Jumbotron and you’re expected to start making out in front of tens of thousands of people? Yeah, those. Anyway, sometimes things go awry. This, my friends, is one of those times. Thankfully the cameraman recovered and made the save. Enjoy.

Note: The kid’s reaction at the end is priceless.

I’ve watched this 20-times.

Key Biscayne: In Central America, iguanas are a delicacy. They’re actually farmed for food. So, a gentleman in Key Biscayne, though originally from Central America, began picking up iguanas that appeared to be dead on the road that had fallen out of trees. They had turned gray and were not moving at all and were very cold to the touch. He put them into his vehicle. Unfortunately, the vehicle warmed up, and the iguanas started coming back to life. They started getting up and running around in the car, causing an accident on Route 913.

Tough day for this guy, huh? All the dude was thinking about was inviting his friends over for a big Iguana barbeque and the next thing you knows his 1973 Ford Pinto is being ravaged by Zombie Iguanas like you read about. That had to be just pure terror, man, sorta like when the deer came back to life in Tommy Boy. On a related note, Florida, man. Don’t get too close to the animals.

 

I kid you not Americans, the Mad Tweeter, also known as The Leader of the Free World, elected by a minority vote of Americans, unleashed the following tweets yesterday. I swear this man’s skin is as thin as the ice on which his presidency now stands. Here are his three tweets word-for-word, because you cannot make this stuff up.

Deranged Tweet #1

Now that Russian collusion, after one year of intense study, has proven to be a total hoax on the American public, the Democrats and their lapdogs, the Fake News Mainstream Media, are taking out the old Ronald Reagan playbook and screaming mental stability and intelligence…..

Nonsensical Tweet #2

….Actually, throughout my life, my two greatest assets have been mental stability and being, like, really smart. Crooked Hillary Clinton also played these cards very hard and, as everyone knows, went down in flames. I went from VERY successful businessman, to top T.V. Star…..

Batshit Crazy Tweet #3

….to President of the United States (on my first try). I think that would qualify as not smart, but genius….and a very stable genius at that!

What amazes me the most is that he simply cannot get over his Hillary Clinton fixation. He knows he beat her, right? And no offense, prez, but “Top TV Star” might be a stretch. And the whole being elected President of the US on “his first try” is so juvenile it hurts. But hey, everything will be OK because he’s, “like, really smart.” I swear to God this man is a blogger’s dream. Just endless material. Keep being you, Donnie.

PS- My dream is to have our president respond to one of my blogs and call me out. Tell me with certainty he won’t. You can’t.

Dude. Shake it off.

(CNN) There’s an Iguanocalypse in Florida, or at least that’s what it looks like judging from the photos worried Floridians are posting all over social media. Because of the cold temperatures sweeping the nation, iguanas are dropping out of trees like overripe mangoes, littering the ground in an apparent state of rigor mortis.

One tiny detail, though: They’re probably not dead. They are, however, literally frozen.

Emily Maple, the reptile keeper at the Palm Beach County Zoo, told CNN affiliate WPEC the cold-blooded animals get “cold stunned” — that is, they basically freeze — if the temperature gets below 45º Fahrenheit.

“If it’s just for a day or two they’ll just get to where they’re completely frozen in time. They’re still able to breathe. They’re still able to do bodily functions just very slow,” said Maple.

Let me get this straight. When things start to go sideways, iguanas literally shut down their body and just wait it out in a state of suspended animation? That’s whack, man. And who knew iguanas were such wussies? 45°? Hell, up here in Ohio we have animals running around all over the place outside at -8° like it ain’t no thing. Get your shit together, Florida animals. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- An iguana falling on your head would be sort of traumatic, no? Head on a swivel, Floridians. 

PPS- Here’s how true badass animals handle the cold. 

Fresh off the Twitter:

NEW this AM: Trump attorneys send cease-and-desist letter this morning to book publisher Henry Holt demanding they stop publication of Michael Wolff’s book “Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House” and issue an apology to Trump for defamatory statements made thus far.

Oh, this must be good if The Donald is fighting so hard to ban it. Gotta be, right? It must have some really juicy and damning information contained within. After all, Trump doesn’t usually react to things like this, being so presidential and all. We all know how our Tweeter-in-Chief is known for his thick skin and uncanny ability to handle criticism. He usually takes the high road when folks dare disagree with him, everyone knows that.

Wait. Never mind.

PS- Still buying it.

UPDATE!

Breaking: Publisher of Michael Wolff’s Fire & Fury: Inside Trump’s White House, moves up the book’s release date by four days. It will be on store shelves tomorrow morning.

Yuge news! Yuuuuge! Anyone know when Barnes and Nobles opens?

PS- Now I’m starting to think Trump might be in on this whole thing, filing a cease and desist to ratchet up interest. Dude will do anything to make a buck. Damn it Trump!

A self-serve gas law took effect in Oregon on Monday, and some Oregonians aren’t taking it well. House Bill 2482, which was signed into law last year, allows motorists to pump their own gas in nearly half of Oregon’s 36-counties. It seems that Oregon and New Jersey had long been the only two states in the U.S. to bar customers from pumping their own fuel. Anywho, like I said, folks are all freaking out about having to actually get out of their car and handle a dangerous and smelly gas pump and whatnot. Check out some of the social media comments:

“I don’t even know HOW to pump gas and I am 62, native Oregonian! I say NO THANKS! I don’t want to smell like gasoline!”

Uh, bro. You won’t. What, do you think you dip it out of a bucket with your hands?

“I’ve lived in this state all my life and I REFUSE to pump my own gas. This is a service only qualified people should perform. I will literally park at the pump and wait until someone pumps my gas.”

Yep. Couldn’t agree more. Because those gas station attendants undergo a stringent training course to learn the intricacies of operating the complicated gas pump. Like, you know, lifting it from the cradle, inserting it into the filler neck of your gas tank, and pulling the trigger thingy to pump the gas.*

*Trigger Thingy is actually the name. True story.

“I go to work at 5 in the morning. Not a lot of people at the gas pumps at that time in the morning. And yes, I will not feel safe pumping my own gas. Not to mention it’s freezing and rainy. So thank you to all who voted to change it. You have now taken away a nice luxury that most of us enjoyed.”

Awww. Again with the worries of safety and getting cold and wet. Are Oregonians really that soft? In Ohio we lick the access gas off our hands and get on with our day.

“Many people are not capable of knowing how to pump gas and the hazards of not doing it correctly. Besides I don’t want to go to work smelling of gas when I get it on my hands or clothes. I agree very bad idea.”

Seriously, do these people think folks are blowing up their cars on the regular in the 48 states where people pump their own freaking gas? Good God, man. On a related note . . .

“Yuck! Pumping my own fuel in freezing temperatures and handling a nasty ole fuel nozzle that 50 other people have touched that day (and who knows what cooties are on there), no thank you. It’s nice to not have to pump your own fuel.”

Son, do you realize how many objects you touch every day that 100 other people have touched? The answer is exactly 4,567. I looked it up. Seriously, are Oregonians that soft? Damn it Trump!

Note: You youngbloods out there won’t remember this, but when I was a kid you’d pull into a gas station, 3 or 4 guys in uniforms and ties would come running out, and not only would they pump your gas but they’d wash your windshield, check the air in your tires and give you a foot massage. OK, that last part wasn’t true but the rest is 100% accurate. Oh, and if you filled your tank they’d give you a dinnerware set or something. True damn story. 

See? I wouldn’t lie to ya.