Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

So Russia is celebrating the start of the World Cup and everyone is all giddy and whatnot. As part of the festivities some Russian bros brought their bear along for the fun, and here he is playing a vuvuzela and giving the “up yours” forearm jerk sign to innocent passerby. On a related note, that bear is going to maul the living hell out of those dudes soon.

Note: Whilst researching the “up yours” sign, I found that it is indeed called the “forearm jerk” overseas. I also found out that there are about 20 innocent gestures we make here in the USA that have totally different meanings outside our country. Stay tuned for the upcoming riveting blog.

Note 2: When the mauling commences those assheads will totally deserve it.

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Well played, as always.

You know this whale is just messing around with these people, right? Probably just said to his whale buddies, “Watch this. I’m going to splash the hell out of these tourists. Hold my plankton.” Whales, man.

Note: One of the things whales eat is plankton. I looked it up. They also eat crabs and squids and stuff but plankton seemed funnier. 

Finally, we can all take a deep breath and relax. Our long national nightmare is over. The nuclear threat from North Korea has been neutralized thanks to the efforts of the Great Negotiator, the American Peacemaker, The National Voice of Reason. Yes ladies and gentlemen, God bless America and God bless Dennis Rodman. Now let’s all sit back and watch Trump try and take the credit.

PS- Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. Trump is the leader of the free world and Dennis “The Worm” Rodman is at the center of achieving peace with North Korea. America, man.

Instant classic.

A bison gored a woman in Yellowstone National Park on Wednesday, marking the third time in a week that park animals attacked humans, according to the Associated Press.

Officials said that the woman, 59-year-old Kim Hancock of Santa Rosa, California, was in a crowd of people that got within 15-feet of a bison while they were walking along a boardwalk, according to a National Park Service news release. Rangers advise staying at least 25-yards away from animals like bison and elk, the park said.

Ah, nothing like a good “goring of a moron” story to start the week, amirite? Hey, there’s an 1,800 pound animal with horns! Let’s get all up in its face and stuff! Good God. At least they didn’t put the animal down though, because Kim Hancock is the one who should be put down. Not sayin’ just sayin’.

PS- Third time in a week sounds like a really good average. Keep it up, bison.

As if we needed more proof that our country is becoming dumber:

A recent study showed that 7% of American adults believe that chocolate milk comes from brown cows.

Good stuff.

Between Two Ferns was an absolute classic. Before we watch the videos, let me tell you some of my favorite insults from Zach to his guests:

To Justin Bieber: “When you’re in the recording studio do you ever think, ‘Hey, what if I don’t make something shitty?’ ”

To Bruce Willis: “Did you know that some actors turn down roles?”

To Ben Stiller: “Do you ever wish you had followed your parents into comedy?”

Too funny, man. But let’s get to the videos. Let’s begin with Conan O’Brien and Andy Richter. You shall laugh out loud:

Next up is Steve Carell. You shall weep uncontrollably:

And finally, Jimmy Kimmel. You shall wet yourself:

On a related note, she proceeded to receive 17 marriage proposals within the next 5-minutes.

Also this:

None of that PC crap over in Japan, man. In the US this slide would be banned in a heartbeat because little Chad might hurt himself.

Note: Be sure and check out the second video. It’s one of my all-time internet favorites.

The worldwide interweb can take you to some weird places, amirite? Ever be searching for something and happen onto a site where you just can’t hit that back button quickly enough? Yeah, me too. Scary stuff man, believe me. I started researching something called The Dark Web one day awhile back because I was going to write about it, but what I found freaked me out so much I decided to back slowly away for a bit. Here’s a video if you want the basics. Chills, man. Anyhoo, I stumbled upon a site today that was describing how sometimes kids can come up with way better ideas than adults, specifically when naming stuff. Here are my Top 10 favorites, with the actual name followed by the made-up kid’s way better name.

Rhinoceros

What could possibly be better than a Rhino, you ask? Why, the Battle Unicorn of course. Yep. If unicorns went to battle, that’s who they’d send. 

Mosquitoes

Mosquito is a pretty cool name, no? Not nearly as cool as Vampire House Flies though.

Dreams

This one is actually sort of poetic. One child called her dreams The Stories in My Eyes. Beautiful.

Buzzard

Oh this one is good. What better description of a buzzard than the Halloween Eagle? Cool.

Vultures

From a completely different kid we get a new name for vultures – the Flamingo Witches. Hell yes they are.

Gloves

Now we have a little guy who couldn’t remember what gloves were supposed to be called. What he came up with was Hand Socks because, well, they are.

Wolves

I really like this one. One kid saw some wolves in a national park and promptly christened them Party Dogs. Love. It.

Cemeteries

Not to get a little morbid, but kids can be pretty literal, ya know? Hence the new name for cemeteries – Die Yards.

 

Harmonica

Once again, this is a way cooler name than harmonica – the Cowboy Trumpet. Kids, man.

Cooking Pot

And our last entry once again makes perfect sense. Why confuse things by calling it a pot when it’s actually a Stove Bucket? Because that’s exactly what it is.

So I know you all have kids that have come up with new names for stuff, some maybe even better than these. Whaddaya got?

 

Japan, man. They’ve come a long way since the that little incident back in ’45. Check out these great ideas from the Land of the Rising Sun.

[click to scroll and read the captions]

 

In the days leading up to the royal wedding between Meghan Markle and Prince Harry, Thomas J. Mace-Archer-Mills was all over your television screens. You remember him. The dude with the tweed caps and bowties, heavy accent, just British like you read about. He was always identified as an expert on the monarchy.

Yeah, turns out Mace-Archer-Mills is actually an American guy from New York named Thomas Muscatello.

Oh, that’s too good.

Listen, Muscatello is an expert on the monarchy. He’s the founder and chairman of the British Monarchist Society and publishes Crown and Country magazine, which covers royal topics. Bro is even applying for British citizenship, and he found an elderly British man and woman who agreed he can call them his grandparents.

Well, that’s weird.

The story is that he’s been obsessed with the royals since he was a kid. While acting in “Oliver” in a high school play he learned all about British Royal history. And somehow, Muscatello uses this to land a job for himself as a royal consultant.

I don’t know, there’s just something about all the reverence and seriousness over this wedding that makes this funny. The “royal expert” everyone was breathlessly listening to was actually Tommy Muscatello from New York. You can’t make this stuff up, man.

What kind of videos never get old? Dog videos. Adorable.

Even though I’m w-a-a-a-a-a-y past 35, these are funny.

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So Carrot Dogs are a thing now, and I believe this may be the beginning of the end of humanity. From the Washington Post:

This plant-based take on hot dogs gives carrots a roasted red pepper treatment: Char (either on the grill or under the broiler) and steam them, and then peel off the skins. They end up nicely cooked and lightly smoke-tinged, making them perfect for a cookout. Choose the largest, thickest carrots you can find; they shrink during cooking, and you can always trim the narrow end to fit the bun. Serve these carrot dogs nestled in buns with the toppings such as vegetarian chili, cheddar, chopped onion, sauerkraut, kimchi, pickles/relish, ketchup and spicy mustard.

Oh for the love of God. I swear I didn’t even know carrots had skins, but the idea of a charred skinless carrot sounds disgusting. And I don’t care how much cheese, chili, and spicy mustard you put on a skinless carrot, it’s still a skinless carrot.

Note: I always have people messaging me telling how wonderful crap like this tastes. Save it. Also, I know regular hot dog ingredients include chicken trimmings and sheep casing. I don’t care. They’re delicious. 

Listen, I’ve seen some unfortunate renderings of famous people before but this one is really bad. Yikes. Who finishes that, steps back, and says, “YES. Perfect!”? I mean really?

PS- I bet that looks exactly like Brandi Chastain’s father.

So true.

A woman in Oklahoma died after she was mauled by dachshunds. On Thursday, 52-year-old Tracy Garcia was attacked by a pack of 7-dogs, all weighing less than 30-pounds and shorter than knee-length, near her home on Banyon Road in Ardmore, Oklahoma.

“From what it appeared, about seven dogs had attacked her,” Carter County Sheriff Chris Bryant told Oklahoma News Four, adding that when authorities arrived on the scene, one of the dogs charged at them, and they had to shoot it.

“Unfortunately, yes, we had to shoot one dog,” Bryant told the outlet. “It did charge our deputies and to protect our deputies, as well as the medical personnel, we did have to put down a dog.”

Well, that’s just unfortunate. Listen, there’s absolutely nothing funny about somebody dying. You know, unless it’s one of those idiots who walks into a lion enclosure or something, then it’s funny as hell. You know what else is funny? A woman being mauled to death by a pack of Wiener Dogs. I mean, do you think her last thoughts were, “Well, this is awkward. Not exactly the way I wanted to check out. Damn you to hell, Weiner Dogs.” And you cannot convince me the cops didn’t make fun of the deputy who shot the charging Weiner Dog. “Really Hank? You had to put a cap in little Trixie’s ass? You couldn’t, you know, jump on a lawn chair or something? Geez. That’s embarrassing, man.” Anyway, hell of a way to go I guess.

PS- Can you imagine being in this woman’s family? 5-years from now somebody will ask you what happened to Tracy and you have to say, “She was taken out by a murderous pack of Weiner Dogs.”

PPS- After rereading this I see that perhaps it’s not that funny. Apologies in advance.

PPPS- Nah, it’s funny.*

Gary Larson, circa 1986

When you look back at pop culture, you can occasionally follow history back to points where everything changed, to the points that paved the way for everything that came after, the people that introduced their audiences to a strange new way of thinking that eventually becomes the new standard. Think The Beatles, All in the Family or The Sugarhill Gang.

Well, in the world of comics we’re talking about The Far Side. The Far Side ran from January 1st, 1980 to January 1st, 1995 when Gary Larson, to the dismay of his fans, retired.

Larson introduced an entire generation to the surreal, random, and occasionally very dark humor that would become part of the language that we all speak. Oh, and he also included a lot of animals, which I dearly loved.

Larson could be really edgy, and for this reason was banned from several newspapers. Was some of his stuff inappropriate? Oh yeah. But was it funny? Hell yes.

But enough of this chatter. Let’s take a look at what I consider to be some of his best stuff. I’ll refrain from commenting and let the awesomeness speak for itself.

[click to enlarge]

 

 

 

 

Good stuff. Click on the tweet and scroll away.

Not the guy, but you get the picture.

So I’m at the doctor’s office this week, just sitting there in the waiting room after I checked in minding my own business. Nurses are occasionally stepping out of the door leading back to the docs, calling out names of people and taking them back to their appointments. I’d just taken a seat when a nurse stepped out and said this:

“Andre? Is there an Andre here?”

No big deal. Some dude named Andre was next. But then, to my right . . .

“ANDRE! ANDRE THE GIANT! WOOHOO! THE BIG MAN! AAAANNNDDRREEE!”

You see, there was a gentleman in the waiting area that was, shall we say, a little unbalanced. He’d heard the name Andre, associated it with Andre the Giant, and had rolled with it. When he yelled we all kind of jumped because it startled the hell out of us, but then we’d smiled, realizing what was up. But a few minutes later another nurse came out . . .

“George? George?”

Which brought the guy back into the mix.

“BOOOOOOOSH! George BOOOOOOOSH! W!  DUBYA! BOOOOOOOSH!”

Ah, so this was how it was going to be. This unhinged dude was going to hear a name, associate it with someone he knew with the same name, and go to town. At this point I was enjoying myself immensely, although some were appalled, even angry. What could be next?

“Charlie? Is Charlie here?”

I should have seen it coming, but damned if it still didn’t surprise me . . .

“CHARLIE! CHARLIE SHEEEEEEN! TIGER BLOOOOOOD! TWO AND A HALF MEN! WINNING!”

I swear to God at this point I was in tears. This dude, although a little disturbed, was dialed in like you would not dream. But then came the kicker . . .

“Dave? Is Dave here?”

Hey, it was me! But as I walked to meet the nurse . . .

“SHOOOOE! Coach SHOOOOE!”

Then, very calmly:

“Hey man, sorry about the coaching thing. That was a really bad deal.”

Well I’ll be damned. Maybe the guy wasn’t so crazy after all.

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. 100-years from now people are going to understand how smart animals really are and we’re all going to look like a bunch of damn cavemen. For example, below are two videos of dolphins. In our first entry, we see a bunch of dolphins out enjoying themselves, just surfing the waves like dolphins do. Enter a land dweller on a surfboard and one of the dolphins decides to take matters into his own fins. You cannot tell me this dolphin didn’t know exactly what he was doing. Watch how he leaps and turns in the air to take this bum out. Classic stuff.

PS- I’m pretty sure he did it because of that clown’s hat.

Next up we have a dumb humanoid that dropped her phone into the ocean. Of course a dolphin fetched it for her and gave it back. A human scuba diver would have probably snatched it and slithered off into the deep. The dolphin? It returned the phone to its rightful owner. Dolphins, man.

Then again, there’s always a bad apple in every bunch.

Just a little something to make you smile today.