Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

“Bring it on, bacon boy.”

Al.com– Hogs aren’t unusual in rural south Alabama, but Wade Seago said he’d never seen anything like the 820-pound animal he shot and killed in his front yard.

Seago told al.com that he and his daughter spotted the massive hog in their yard in Samson last week after the family’s pet schnauzer Cruiser started barking.

“Cruiser had this huge hog confused with all of the barking and movement,” Wade said.

So the man got his .38-caliber handgun and took aim. It took three shots to drop the hog, Seago said, and he later weighed it on scales at a peanut company.

Seago told NBC4 he didn’t fear for his life during the confrontation.

“I was watching out for the dog. I knew that I wasn’t going to allow a hog that size to hang around,” Seago said. “He didn’t rush me, but I didn’t really give him time.”

Who the hell do you think you’re fooling, Wade Seago? You clearly inserted yourself into a situation where you weren’t needed, son. It’s obvious to me that Cruiser the Schnauzer had this thing under control from the get-go. Shoulda let your loyal best friend handle the situation from the safety of your back porch. Cruiser woulda sent that porker to Louisiana in a heartbeat if you’d have minded your own damn business. Instead, now you’re the big hero and Cruiser is a pint-sized victim, for God’s sake, all so you can have a hog head on your wall. Pathetic, man.

PS- Nothing says rural Alabama like killing an 820-lb hog with a handgun and weighing it at the local peanut company.

That’s pretty high alright.

Here’s the latest from Anna, our guest contributor. Enjoy!

The other day I entered a small boutique in the cute little suburban city where we live. A nice young lady greeted me and offered her assistance:

Hello, how are you?” 

This was followed by:

Are you looking for something pacific?

Now listen, I had a mouth full of a post workout drink called The Dave (a story for another time). At any rate, mouth full, thanking the good Lord I had my back to her as I cleansed my sinuses with my post workout drink, I thought to myself, “No, I am not looking for something pacific.” I’m assuming she meant specific but irregardless (lol), I thanked her and went about my business.

But wait, I thought, what if she meant pacific and I am the ignorant one and I don’t know what that means! Now I am questioning everything my English teachers Susan Luke, Susan Iseman, and Wendy Royse ever learnt me.

Seriously though, I’m a little concerned about the emoji generation. We have gone past millennial and straight to THE EMOJI GEN!

I remember these days.

[click to view]

“He’s winded!” Yes. Yes he is.

You know how being a fan at the Wimbledon Tennis Tournament is all about dressing up, trying to be all classy and whatnot while trying to show up the people sitting around you? Well, today Masters Golf Champion Sergio Garcia put them all to shame when he showed up in his famous Masters Green Jacket. Game, set, Sergio.

PS- If I won the Masters I’d wear that jacket everywhere. McDonalds, Walmart, the beach, coming out of the shower. Wouldn’t care, man. I feel ya Sergio.

PPS- That old dude sitting in front of Sergio is a badass. I need a pair of those shades.

[click to enlarge]

 

No surprise here.

You realize Joey Chestnut is the hotdog eating champion, right? RIGHT? What’s next, comparing Tom Brady to the Rock Paper Scissors champion? Good God. ESPN is a joke.

Haven’t posted these in awhile.

These bros rescued this sloth from a trap. He looks happy as hell.

A 38-year-old Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on his gun, a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report said. 

According to the sheriff’s report, Chilly Mangi’s girlfriend told police he was sitting outside his Freedom Crossing Trail apartment in a car before he ran inside in a panic.

His girlfriend approached him in the bathroom and saw that he had a gunshot wound. He said he accidentally set the firearm off when he sat on it in the driver’s seat.

She drove him to Memorial Hospital, where JSO impounded the vehicle for evidence. JSO did not say what type of gun was involved but did say the injury required immediate surgery.

Man, and you thought you were having a tough day, huh? Maybe you woke up with a headache, the wife is upset about that extra couple beers you had last night with the boys, things are a little tense around the house and whatnot? Well, this should make you feel better. You didn’t shoot yourself in the penis. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Chilly Mangi would be the coolest name ever if you didn’t know he, you know, shot himself in the penis. 

All was well until Larry the Llama showed up. Larry hates tourists.

Fresno, CA- When 22-year old Sidney Rollins called in to brag to KRDU Radio in Fresno about his awesome “Get Out of  Argument Free” card/birthday present from his wife, he was shocked to be mocked and derided on both radio and the internet. “I thought it was about the coolest gift She could give me. I’m not sure what people are thinking. Just cynical I guess.” 

Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. Oh, my young, naive, impressionable, wife-whipped little man. Do you really believe you’re going to be in the middle of a fight, whip out that card, and suddenly your wife smiles, takes it, and says, “OK honey. Fight over”? B-W-A-H-A-H-A-H-A-H-A!!! Sidney, here’s what will happen. You’ll come home one night after being out 20-minutes too late, or maybe you’ll forget to take out the trash, and she’ll start in on you. You’ll quickly bust out the card, holding it up like a cross  in front of a vampire. Then except instead of shrieking and backing away, she’ll rip it from your hands, tear it to shreds and increase her anger level x 10. Then she’ll back you into the wall and rip your throat out.

Don’t use that card Sidney. Don’t ever use that card.

PS- How perfect is it that this guy’s name is Sidney? Pure comedy.

PPS- Did you catch the qualifier there? Especially if it’s a “stupid argument”? And that will ultimately be her call. This will end poorly, man.

“Honey, somebody’s at the door!”

Sometimes people just want to change because they believe change is good. Or perhaps, in this case, they want to sell more college sports hats and sweatshirts and whatnot. Anywho, UNLV, who heretofore had a perfectly good logo, decided to commission a new one. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Here’s the old logo:

Pretty straightforward, amirite? Nice bold letters and a bro with a hat and really big mustache underneath. They’ve replaced that logo with this. Behold, the new logo:

I swear to God I had to look at that for 10-minutes before I saw the guy with the mustache. And once I saw it I could’ve sworn his ear was exploding. And is his chin on a pillow? Or a bobsled? Oh, and a lot of people are saying they see a space frog. I’m so confused. Change? Not necessarily good.

Listen, there is NO WAY this kid wasn’t messing around up there on that ride. How fast was that Gondola going, like a mile per hour? She had to be goofing off, amirite? Unsnapped her seatbelt and was showing off or something? Maybe breakdancing, doing a handstand or something of that nature? The press is covering this as a feel-good story, and it was cool that the crowd caught her, but nobody is pointing out the obvious, that the kid was either incredibly stupid, reckless, or both. I want the truth, people!

Seriously, Ugly Dog Contest people? You think Martha here is ugly? You, sirs, are idiots. Martha is beautiful. Oh sure, you can pull on her jowls and make fun of her, but gorgeous she still remains.

And hey, although I love dogs I’m not one of those guys who think all dogs are beautiful. Some are decidedly not, like these guys:

Still, they’re sorta cute in their own, quirky way. But Martha? Give me a break, man.

Yeah, we’ve known for awhile.

Space.com – Many other planets throughout the universe probably hosted intelligent life long before Earth did, a new study suggests.

The probability of a civilization developing on a potentially habitable alien planet would have to be less than one in 10 billion trillion for humanity to be the first technologically advanced species the cosmos has ever known, according to the study.

“To me, this implies that other intelligent, technology-producing species very likely have evolved before us,” said lead author Adam Frank, a professor of physics and astronomy at the University of Rochester in New York.

Gee, ya think? Listen, I don’t know how much money was wasted on this “study”, but I could have told them this when I was 8-years old. My cousin Mel and I figured that out when we used to camp out on the ground in my back yard, man. You now how we figured it out? We looked up at the stars, and what we surmised was that space is big. Really big. No way we were alone in our own universe, much less whatever the hell else is out there. End of study. We’d lie there and think about it for awhile, then we’d get scared and go back in the house. Anywho, scientists, man. Just wasting money like you read about.

Here’s The Donald just committing the cardinal sin of cruising across a golf course green like a boss, which incidentally he is because he owns the course. Then he tops it off by cruising over to a couple bros and bragging about the security on his course because it’s blanketed by the secret service: “Best security in the history of golf.” That’s gold. But the best part is when he casually gives them a knuckle-bump and rolls away. I tell ya, on some level you gotta respect the man’s brashness. Dude doesn’t give a damn what anyone thinks.

PS- You’d be amazed how many people get offended by posts like this. I’ll get all sorts of threats for this one. But I’m actually sort of admiring this move, right? Trumpians are way too thin-skinned, man.

PPS- Somebody said he’s just in front of the green. Damn, I hope not. That would ruin everything.

George Clooney is selling his tequila company Casamigos to Diageo for as much as $1 billion, the company said Wednesday.

Diageo said it will initially pay $700 million, with the potential for another $300 million based on the tequila’s performance over 10 years. The transaction is expected to close during the second half of 2017.

“If you asked us four years ago if we had a billion dollar company, I don’t think we would have said yes,” Clooney told CNBC via email. “This reflects Diageo’s belief in our company and our belief in Diageo. But we’re not going anywhere. We’ll still be very much a part of Casamigos. Starting with a shot tonight. Maybe two.”

It’s great to see George Clooney finally catching a break, huh? Dude’s struggled through life being an incredibly handsome movie star, dating models and hanging out with DiCaprio on yachts and whatnot. Now he’s selling a tequila company he started 4-years ago for $1-Billion, followed up by a couple shots.

Clooney, man. I’d hate that guy if I didn’t admire him so much.

 

The 80’s were a simpler time. You know, back when TV shows like Growing Pains had characters named “Boner” and nobody gave it a second thought.* When we watched a show about an furry alien named “Alf” who had an affinity for eating cats and thought it was hilarious. When David Hasselhoff rode around in a car that was way smarter than he was. You get the drift. Anyway, it should come as no surprise that a bro would want to get a tattoo of his favorite lovable, family values icon of the era.

Oops.

*I just found out that the guy who played Boner in Growing Pains committed suicide in Canada back in 2010. Man, that’s sad. 

From time-to-time my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied likes to post some of the latest fashion trends and throw in our 2¢. Don’t believe me? Just type in the word “fashion” in that search box over there and have a look-see. Anywho, our head Fashion Consultant Yuki Fukumodo brought in some photos of some of the hottest trends out there today, and I must say they beg for our attention and commentary. Let us commence with the festivities . . .

Remember the fake muddy pants I showed you a few weeks ago? Same concept here. And guess what? Still dumb.

These are called Ugg Sandals. Don’t you wear boots to keep your feet warm and dry? Aren’t open-toed boots defeating the actual purpose of boots? I’m so confused.

Man, these things have to be a nightmare for ladies with love handles, amirite? Stuff be poppin’ out all over the place up in here. Seriously, that’s not a good look, man.

Oh for the love of God. Now they’re just messing with us. “Hey, let’s cut up some old sweats, attach them with clamps and see if people will buy them.” Guess what? People will.

Perfect for people who want to ride their horse to the beach and sink their toes in the sand. Geesh. On a related note, the tan lines would be outrageous.

Perfect for the woman who has an extra 10-minutes to buckle-up her Elbow Purse.

Honestly, were out of ideas so we’re just reaching now, right? Just making stuff up right and left and expecting people to eat it up. The sad part is, some people will.

Kids, this is why the internet is magic. Had the moment you’re about to witness below happened in 1987 it would have been witnessed by perhaps a couple people in the store or the guy checking out the security camera. Today it’s put on the worldwide interweb and bloggers such as myself repost it into infinity. Just a special moment where a guy saves his groceries like a wizard or something.

PS- This guy is exactly like me. Dude won’t use a basket or cart unless it’s absolutely necessary. I feel ya brother.