Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Her kids saw it first: A woman, pants around ankles, defecating before the Budde family’s Colorado Springs home.

Then it happened again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Each week brings a fresh pile of excrement to the sidewalk in front of Cathy Budde’s home, she told local station KKTV — at least seven so far. Budde calls her “The Mad Pooper.” Police remain baffled. The family feels helpless to stop her.
“I came outside, and I was like, ‘Are you serious?'” Budde said of the time she caught the woman, a jogger, in the act. “‘Are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids?’ She’s like, ‘Yeah, sorry!'”

Then the woman jogged away. She leaves only confusion, and also the paper towels that she wipes with.

Even in a world wrought with senseless violence, the Mad Pooper’s antics astonish. There’s a portable toilet at nearby John Venezia Community Park.  A gas station not far from that. So then why? Why the Budde family? And why now?

These questions haunt Colorado Springs residents, and the officers sworn to protect them. “For someone to repeatedly do such a thing, it’s uncharted territory for me,” Sgt. Johnathan Sharketti of the Colorado Springs Police Department told KKTV.

Listen, for me there’s almost nothing more disgusting than someone doing #2. Can’t deal with it, won’t deal with it. At basketball camps I’d walk up three floors of the dorm just find a private bathroom. And I’m still scarred from that time I was a freshman in high school and walked into the boys locker room to find Sammy Dickey sitting on the toileteating a peanut butter sandwich. That’s a sight that will be burned into my memory forever. Hell, I couldn’t eat peanut butter for 2-years. On a related note, I may or may not have broken up with a girl because she kept leaving the damn bathroom door open. Nothing, and I mean nothing, kills sexiness like seeing a woman taking a dump. So, if anyone deserves the death penalty it’s the Mad Pooper. Dead serious. Lethal inject that serial defecator, and do it immediately upon her capture.

PS- Ewwww.

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AL.Com: Officials in Manatee County, Florida are under fire after an interpreter for the deaf warned about pizza and monsters during an emergency briefing related to Hurricane Irma.

The interpreter, Marshall Greene, a lifeguard for the county, has a brother who is deaf, according to the Daily Moth, a video news site that provides information via American Sign Language. Greene was used as the interpreter for a Sept. 8 press conference regarding the incoming storm and possible evacuations.

Members of the deaf community said Greene mostly signed gibberish, referencing “pizza,” “monsters,” and using the phrase “help you at that time to use bear big,” during the event. Other information signed to viewers was incomplete, experts said. 

Boy, it’s been a tough couple weeks for interpreters for the deaf, huh? First the guy with the funny faces and now this poor guy. Seriously, they pull the guy off lifeguard duty to interpret on TV because he has a deaf brother? Bro went rogue like you read about. Poor dude was way out of his league here. Meanwhile, chaos reigned as deaf people all over Manatee County were worrying about bears and monsters and debating going out for pizza in the middle of a hurricane. Sad really.

Evacuate now bear monsters are coming!

So the Donald was absolutely eviscerated by those damn pansy-ass Hollywood liberals at the Emmy Awards last night, and the Trumpians are up in arms. How dare these people criticize our president publicly! Outrageous! Un-American! You can’t belittle the Leader of the Free World! First, let’s watch the video:

Damn you actors to Hell! The highest ranked official in the land of the free and home of the brave would never stoop to such a level! Our president would never be so petty, mean-spirited and undignified! Wait. Never mind.

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California – Controversy erupts at Vista Del Lago High School in Folsom over students chanting “USA.”

It’s a popular way to for students to show pride during sporting events and rallies, but school and district officials are now warning students that the chants could appear inappropriate and intolerant. The chants are now causing chatter campus-wide after school staff brought up the topic to a leadership class.

The school’s principal told students and parents that sometimes “We can communicate an unintended message.” She also said USA chanting is welcome, but it may be best to do it at what she says are appropriate times, like following the national anthem or the Pledge of Allegiance.

The district says there has never been a complaint about USA chants at the high school. Students say there’s likely to be a lot of chanting at this Friday’s football game, where the theme is USA pride.

Well for the love of all that is holy and good WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? We can’t be proud of out country? And who in the world is a USA chant going to offend? The three foreign exchange students from North Korea? The ISIS guy hiding under the bleachers? I’d say no to both because they’re not at the game and if they were we should do it anyway because WE’RE IN THE USA! Sweet Mother of God.

PS- The first person who blames this on wimpy liberals is going to get punched in the throat by this non-wimpy liberal.

Violence in cartoons was intense back in the day, man. People thought it was the height of comedy to have cartoon characters blow each other up or blast each other’s heads off. And even movies cartoons could be emotionally intense. Check out this scene when Bambi’s mother got shot by hunters:

Hell, that scene can scar a 7-year old for life. It’s tough for even me to watch it right now. Guess we were a little more callous back in the day.

Don’t get me wrong, kids are probably exposed to more violence today, it’s just not disguised as humor. If you don’t believe me just take a look at video games like Grand Theft Auto, Mortal Kombat or Postal. They’re blood orgies to put it mildly.

Like I said, the interesting aspect of the older cartoons is that they were contained within these cute little TV shows about, usually, talking animals of all things. We’ll take a look at just a few, but first, a video so you can get the vibe:

Sort of jarring when you see it all at once, ya know?

After perusing just a few Tom & Jerry cartoons on the YouTube I viewed the following:

  • Jerry stuffing a lit stuck of dynamite into Tom’s mouth, where it explodes.
  • Tom shooting himself in the head with a shotgun.
  • Jerry slamming a red-hot waffle iron shut on Tom’s tail.
  • Jerry getting impaled through the groin with a pool stick. Not kidding.
  • Jerry slicing Tom’s tail to shreds with a pair of scissors.

Check it:

I swear, what happens on these shows rivals any torture or murder ever seen on the show Criminal Minds. Those little scamps were evil, dude.

And everyone remembers Pepe Le Pew, right?  Little bro was a French skunk with an aversion to taking no for an answer, Le Pew’s adventures read like a “How To” book on sexual harassment. Narcissistic, creepy, and obsessed with every female prospect that crossed his path, Le Pew was the ultimate anti-role model for a society trying to make steps towards gender equality. Here’s a sample of Pepe sexually harassing a cat. Yes, I just typed that:

Finally, what about the morbidly obese Fat Albert? Hell, today those friends that called him fat would find themselves in Sensitivity Training, since obesity is now being called a psychological condition. And the callousness doesn’t end there, kids. Consider poor Dumb Donald, Mushmouth, Weird Harold, and Bucky. Poor victims were given cruel nicknames that mocked their greatest insecurities and handicaps, over which they have little or no control. Tragic really. Here’s poor Mushmouth, who clearly had issues:

Oh, and what about Popeye? Dude used to beat the hell out of everyone.

Sadly, many brutal scenes have been edited out when shown nowadays, and that’s sort of sad. I mean, we all turned out OK, right?

Right?

Some classics here. Click on the pics and scroll to get the full effect, man.

Life·Hack

– a strategy or technique adopted in order to manage one’s time and daily activities in a more efficient way.

We’ve all read about life hacks, those helpful bits of advice aimed at making our lives easier. And although Life Hack is a fairly new term, the actual act of coming up with better ways of doing things is as old as man himself. Or herself. You get the gist.

Hell, as a Southern Ohioan I’ve seen cars with wooden bumpers, duct taped windshields and cooking smokers made from filing cabinets, so I can relate to redneck ingenuity as much as the next guy.

Anyway, this whole “life hack” thing reminded me of a guy I knew in college we called Muggs. Dude was always bending the rules, sometimes in minor ways, other times in major ways. I’ll give you three examples.

First off, the Muggs was cheap as hell. He was so tight that when he smiled his kneecaps moved. Anyway, he never tipped and would never pay for anything, including stamps. When sending a letter, he’d put the address he wanted the letter to go to as the return address, then put his address as the main address. Then he’d go uptown and drop his letter in the mailbox without a stamp, which would then be returned to the person in which he intended to receive it in the first place. Diabolical. Incredibly, it worked. Keep in mind the cost of a stamp was 13¢ back then. Good God.

As for me, I’d always been taught you shouldn’t mess with the federal government, so I didn’t.*

*If you don’t count the mailbox killing spree I went on in high school with my idiot friends. 

Another life hack Muggs’ wild imagination came up with was the in-car bar. Hear me out on this one, because it’s ingenious, wildly inappropriate and probably illegal. Muggs went to an auto parts store and bought a new windshield washer container for his car, the one that sits under the hood. He bought new tubes that take the cleaning fluid to the windshield as well. Then he installed the new container and redirected the tubes under the dash and through the air vents in his dashboard.

See where this is going yet?

Next, Muggs filled the container with whiskey, so whenever he wanted a drink he’d simply put a cup under the vent, hit the button that turns on the windshield wiper cleaner, and let the booze poor into his cup. If he got pulled over he just closed the vent. That’s wild, man. I remember that before he told us about this I always wondered why he had a cooler of ice in his front seat with nothing else in it.

Bottom line, Muggs was an evil genius. Hell, I’m pretty sure that’s so original there’s no law against it.

Muggs was also in a frat (pretty sure it wasn’t sanctioned or anything) that held a yearly raffle to raise money for “charity”, and by “charity” I mean a big end-of-the-year bash with a live band, booze and plenty of co-eds. Of course Muggs was in charge of the raffle. I remember guys selling chances to win a used car for $5, and they’d sell these tickets for months. Problem was, nobody ever saw anything other than a photo of the car, and every year the big winner was somebody’s uncle from Bardstown, Kentucky or somewhere. Every year at the party the winner would be announced by Muggs:

“And the winner is . . .  drumroll please . . .  Charlie Starkweather of Saluda, North Carolina! That’s my uncle! I’ll see that he gets his 1973 Lincoln Continental Town Car!”

I can’t say this with certainty but I’m pretty sure there was never a car and that the big raffle was 100% profit, minus the cost of buying the tickets.

Muggs, man. God knows how much he pocketed for himself.

As for me, I was taught my own little life hack a couple years ago when I tried to cancel a hotel room in a small coastal town at the last minute. Here’s my phone conversation:

“Hello, Blue Surf Hotel. Charlie speaking.”

“Hey Charlie. This is Dave Shoemaker. I made reservations for Thursday night but I need to cancel. Something’s come up.”

Note: I could have said I had an emergency but I never tempt fate, which may have then handed me an actual emergency just for spite. Fate can be a real bitch. Anyway . . .

“Sorry old buddy, but cancellations have to made 7-days in advance. I know it’s a pain in the butt but the owners here are really strict about it.”

It was apparent to me I was talking to an older gentleman, as he had a raspy, deep voice with a slow southern drawl. Dude sounded exactly like I’d expect Old Man River to sound. Anyhoo . . .

“Seven days? I just made reservations yesterday! That makes no sense.”

“I know, I know. They make no exceptions though. Very strict folks. I’m very sorry.”

At this point I’d just kissed $155.79 goodbye since they had my credit card number and all. But then . . .

“Why don’t you reschedule, old buddy? Maybe sometime in August?”

“Not sure why I’d do that, Charlie. I’ll be long gone by then. That would do me no good at all.”

“You sure? You could reschedule ya know.”

Now I’m a little exasperated.

“Charlie, don’t you get it? I won’t be anywhere near Ocracoke on August 15th. I don’t want to reschedule.”

“Well, I’d think about rescheduling anyway, for say, August 15th. Then if something comes up you could cancel. You know, as long as you did it at least 7-days in advance.”

Realization . . . slowly . . . sinks  . . . in. My skull is a little thick, ya know.

“You know, Charlie, that’s a good idea. I  think I will reschedule. Let’s say August 15th.”

And so I did. And I also cancelled on August 7th. Life hack, man. Thanks Charlie.

So everyone is freaking out about the interview Jim Carrey gave on E! the other day on the Red Carpet at something called the New York Fashion Awards. They’re saying he’s crazy, losing his gourd and not fit for normal society. My question is this – didn’t everyone already know he was batshit crazy? He’s sorta like Robin Williams was, just sort of demented and on the edge of sanity. Hence, no surprise here. Here’s the interview.

giphyjok

Source – Liam Neeson left many of his fans disappointed after saying he’s done making thrillers. Neeson said in a new interview that he plans to stop even though it’s hard to turn down the lucrative offers he gets thanks to his box-office success in the three “Taken” films, as well as other thrillers. Neeson believes he’s simply getting too old to be an action hero.

“The thrillers, that was all a pure accident,” said Neeson. “They’re still throwing serious money at me to do that stuff. I’m like, ‘Guys I’m sixty-f–king-five.’ Audiences are eventually going to go, ‘Come on.’” Neeson still has two upcoming revenge thrillers he’s already shot, “Hard Powder,” in which he plays a snowplow driver who faces off with drug dealers, and “The Commuter,” with director Jaume Collet-Serra. But, Neeson said, those will be his last.

Well, if that’s not the worst damn news I’ve heard in years. How the hell can we live without Liam freakin’ Neeson doing action revenge films, man? In this genre Neeson makes Vin Diesel look like a 4th grade punk who gets his lunch money stolen daily. Hell, that description of his upcoming movie alone got me all worked up with anticipation. Liam Neeson as a snowplow driver who faces off with drug dealers? Sold man. Sold to the max. Nobody wants to see you playing some grandpa, Liam, so say it ain’t so man.

 

Remember that Cool Animal of the Day I posted a couple days ago? The little darling that resided in fish’s mouths after eating their tongues? The Cymothoa Exigua? Apparently not everybody appreciated it:

Commenter: “Hey dumbass! Way to ruin my breakfast. I wanted to start my day with a smile so I checked out your site this morning and that disgusting thing popped up looking at me. I just about lost my breakfast. Why? Do NOT do that again and I’m not kidding.”

Me:

Cereal Leaf Beetle

Me:

Back when I was Athletic Director at our school I pulled a pretty good prank, although admittedly it was a prank that was a little on the edge. OK, it may have been over the edge. Here’s how it all went down . . .

For reasons I don’t remember I was over in the elementary building of our school, which is separate from the high school but only about 30-feet away. I probably walked over to shoot the breeze with some little kids, because nothing can cheer me up quicker. Well, except Sparky. Anyway, I turned a corner and saw nearly 20-students standing there in a nice, organized line outside the teacher’s lounge, albeit with no teacher in sight. I soon ascertained that their teacher was in the lounge, presumably using the restroom or possibly hitting up the snack machine, I can’t be certain.

Anyway, I knew the teacher pretty and I knew all her kids, and when I was going down the line knuckle-bumping the shawties it hit me – this is the perfect time to pull a fast one.

I was going to steal her class.

Quickly and with the precision of a master sleuth I explained my diabolical plan to the kidlets – follow me and we’ll pull a great trick on your teacher.

They were in.

Oh, there were a couple new kids looking at me with trepidation, possibly even fear, but even they were overwhelmed by the wave of peer pressure brought on by the majority of little prankster imps.

With a silence that surprised even me, the little dudes followed me like lambs to slaughter. Wait. That’s probably not appropriate. The little dudes followed me like the imminent threat of death. Nah, way too dark. The little dudes followed me like little 3-foot shadows.

Bingo.

I took the class all the way to my office in the high school. We took the back way too, so no other elementary teacher could spot us and narc us out.

Once there we camped out in my office, which really wasn’t built for 18-people plus me but most of them were pint-sized so we made it work. At one point I recall our high school principal walk by, look in the room, shake his head, and continue on his way.

He didn’t want to know.

In the meantime, here’s what went down over in the elementary hallway, as told by the irresponsible teacher who’d lost an entire class of innocent children that day . . .

Upon her exit from the lounge, at first there was confusion. Then, she assumed they’d walked on down to their classroom so she went there. Nothing. It was at this point where confusion slowly began to turn to panic. She jogged to the gym. Nobody. Looked outside on the playground. Empty. Asked a couple teachers if they’d seen anything. Nada. Now she was coming to the grim realization that she had to tell the principal the unthinkable, that she’d lost an entire class of 9-year olds. Then, because I have impeccable timing, her cell phone buzzed . . .

“Hello?”

“Hey, what’s up?”

Oddly and inexplicably, she knew immediately upon the sound of my voice I was somehow responsible for this. How dare her?

“Shoemaker, damn it! Where are my kids! You scared the hell out of me! Bring them back!”

“Why, I have no idea what you’re talking ab . . .”

Nah, I couldn’t do it. I was laughing too hard to continue, not to mention there were 18-munchkins giggling maniacally in the background. Eventually I was convinced to return her class to her, and after taking a couple really hard shots to the sternum all was forgiven. Hey, so the kids missed a few minutes of Science class. The knowledge they gained regarding the Art of the Prank will last them a lifetime.

 

 

 

Pretty sure he was saying to get the hell out of there.

This little beauty is also known as a Tongue Eating Louse, which is disgusting as all holy hell. What happens is this little demonic parasite enters fish through the gills and attaches itself to the fish’s tongue. It severs the blood vessels in the fish’s tongue, causing the tongue to fall off. It then attaches itself to the stub of what was once its tongue and becomes the fish’s new tongue, and I want to throw up right now. I swear to God I can think of few things more repulsive than this little beast. Nature, man. Anyhoo, Cymothoa Exigua.

Yes,, it’s inside a fish’s mouth. Ewww.

Good God almighty.

 

So this popped up on the Twitter late Thursday night after Trump buddy Tom Brady’s Patriots got waxed by Kansas City 42-27. Classic stuff.

WHEN YOUR FRIEND’S APPROVAL RATINGS DROP BELOW 35%

Also known has the Hawk Moth Caterpillar, this little dude scares off predators by transforming his appearance into that of a damn freakin’ snake. That’s diabolical. He does this by pulling in his legs and expanding his rear-end, at which point the predators run like hell. Incidentally, that was a talent of a chick I knew in college. Anyway, the snake’s head is actually the caterpillar’s tail. Nature, man. Anyhoo, Snakehead Caterpillar.

I read that the fire was actually across the river but this is still a savage move. Bros gotta finish the round, man.

Republican, smart, traditional, and white. Glad she pointed that out to us.

Love this guy.

To hell with you young whippersnappers.

Aliens Among Us

Posted: September 5, 2017 in Humor, The Supernatural, The Unknown, WTF?
Tags:

We all know at least one person like this. Every one of us. It’s that person at work or school, maybe the guy who lives around the corner or works at the bank, maybe it’s the mother of one of your kid’s friends you see at basketball games. Not to get too personal, but perhaps it’s my boss from 10-years ago.

It’s that person that, when you try to communicate with them, you get nothing. No connection. When you talk they stare at you with black, soulless eyes and a face that doesn’t seem to understand a word you’re saying. Sometimes their responses don’t match what you just said to them. For whatever reason, the communication between you is just a little . . . off.

You’re all thinking of someone you know right now, aren’t you?  Yeah, that guy.

Here’s my hypothesis regarding this phenomenon – these people are aliens. They’ve come here clandestinely and taken over certain human bodies at a young age, and although they’ve been trained to be humans, they just can’t quite pull it off. They’re close, but they’re j-u-s-t a tick off.

Now you’re really thinking of somebody you know, aren’t you? They’re aliens, man. Sorta like in Men in Black.

Here’s what’s going to happen. When the Alien Mothership arrives, these are the people who are going to walk down the line of humans and point out those of us who will be taken aboard the Mothership and away to our eventual slaughter.

Sorry kids. You didn’t really think this was going to have a happy ending, did you?

PS- Before I get a nasty message from an idiot over in England (seems like I get a lot of those from England) or somewhere, I’m kidding.

PPS- Sort of.

PPPS- Belgians love me. So there.

Damn giraffes, man. Just getting more brazen by the day, amirite? Bro really stuck his neck out with this heist. Grabbed that bike and was off like a boss. What the hell is the world coming to? Somebody needs to build a wall to keep these animals out of here.

So the prestigious Washington Post just fired off one of the most insightful, in-depth and well-researched tweets of the year with this gem:

NATION’S FOURTH LARGEST CITY STRUGGLES TO GET MOVING AGAIN AFTER HARVEY

 

Gee Washington Post, ya think?

 

So the NRA had their big Conceal Carry Fashion Show a few days ago and the World of Fashion is in a tizzy. Just hotties with guns busting out all over the joint. Before I show you the spectacular photos, remember that I don’t own a gun and I couldn’t kill an animal if you paid me, but I’m not anti-hunting or anything. It’s just a personal preference. Do I think we could do without the Uzis on the streets? Sure I do. On the other hand, I enjoy a slab of venison for dinner as much as the next guy. Anyway, on to the photos that rocked the fashion world . . .

Sure robbers, I have my valuables r-i-g-h-t here.

 

With a sexy show of the ankle, Heloise Perkins slowly slipped out her Glock.

Here’s Myrna Schmedlap modeling the gun-concealing bra, new for 2017. On a related note, she could hide a howitzer in that thing.

Wait. Isn’t going shirtless sort of defeating the purpose of the whole “conceal” thing?

Not sure what’s happening here. Is his gun backwards? That may not turn out well.

“Are you SURE you won’t take these Piggly Wiggly coupons?”

Here’s fan favorite Mack Moonley, doing his patented Disco Draw move.

Plenty of A-List celebrities were in attendance. Here’s Hank Flaherty, owner of the local Guns R Us affiliate.

Occupying front row seats were the Bobby Plotnik family, well-known owners of the local Brew City Shooters Gun Emporium.

 

And of course the soundtrack is Slayer.

Oddly, I think this bro has convinced me.