Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Silly cat.

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Eat pizza like it’s your job? Now it can be.

Portable pizza oven company Ooni is looking to hire 10 pizza taste-testers who will get paid anywhere from $300 to $1,000 a day. For the job, you will have to make your own pizzas, whether experimenting on your own pizza recipes or following the company’s recipes and tweaking them, and the company will pay for all ingredients.

The most important quality is having enthusiasm for cooking and a love of pizza.

Once hired, pay will be determined based on how much time can be invested. Applicants can choose how many hours to work a day, which should be mentioned in the application.

Ooni is interested in “novices to professional pizzaioli,” Darina Garland, co-founder of Ooni, tells CNBC Make It.

Hold on, let me work on my letter of application. Ok, got it:

Dear Ooni,

First off, your name sounds like it might belong to a beautiful, exotic lady, rather than a portable pizza over company. Love it. Secondly, I fit your requirements perfectly. I’m not a professional pizzaioli but I do love pizza. All kinds of pizza. I’ll eat anything as long as it’s on a pizza. Well, maybe not pineapple because that’s gross. Also anchovies. Don’t care for those. Oh, and spinach. Eww. I also had a pizza with lettuce on it once that was just horrific. But other than those I’m all in. As for cooking, I’m learning to handle my new crock pot like a boss and nobody mans a toaster oven like this guy. As for having the time, hell, I’m wide open.

Let’s do this Ooni. I’m your guy.

Sincerely,

Shoe

PS- I once invented a sandwich consisting of toasted bread, Cheese-Whiz and Cheez-Its. It was christened the Sweet Cheezuz. Google it.

PPS- In retrospect perhaps I should’ve addressed my letter to Darina Garland. Oh well.

 

 

 

Ryan Fitzpatrick is a backup quarterback for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He’s played previously for the St. Louis Rams, Cincinnati Bengals, Buffalo Bills, Tennessee Titans, Houston Texans, and New York Jets. He played college football at national powerhouse Harvard. He’s started the first 2-games for the Bucs in place of #1 draft pick Jameis Winston, who is currently serving a 3-game suspension. Fitzy has responded by throwing 8-touchdown passes, just 1-interception, and has completed 78.7% of his passes in two victories. He is also handling his notoriety with both style and aplomb. Ryan Fitzpatrick is a National Treasure.

PS- I would trade Jameis Winston today.

PPS- If you didn’t know, that’s a Conor McGregor look. Der.

Nobody writes titles like me. You’re welcome.

Animals, man.

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Marshawn Lynch is a professional football player. Sports fans know him well, and this is the image that comes to mind when they think of him.

However, Marshawn’s high school grad photo has recently come to light, and it has blown the minds of football fans everywhere. Why, you ask? Because he looked like freakin’ Urkel.

That is all. Thank you and goodnight.

The Aliens Are Warning Us

Posted: September 12, 2018 in Humor, Mystery, Science, Space, The Unknown

The Sun: Artificial intelligence searching for alien life in the universe has discovered dozens of previously unknown radio bursts. The Breakthrough Listen program found 72 new fast radio bursts – mysterious space signals – coming from a galaxy 3-billion light years away. 

Scientists have named the source of these newly discovered signals, way outside the Milky Way galaxy, as “repeater” FRB 121102. FRBs are single, bright pulses of radio emission from extremely distant galaxies which last just milliseconds.

But FRB 121102 is the only one ever recorded to emit repeated bursts.

The source of FRBs are still a mystery and the nature of the object emitting them is still unknown. The theories range from highly magnetized neutron stars and super-massive black holes to signs of an advanced civilization.

Son of a bitch. Here we go again. More proof that aliens are out there, just shooting FRBs at us like you read about in all those Science Fiction books as a kid. And don’t tell me 3-billion light years is too far away to be a threat to Earth. Who knows what kind of spaceships those aliens possess? Hell, they may be so advanced they just snap their fingers (if they have any) and transport themselves wherever the hell they want like Captain Kirk and Spock. And these FRBs may be a warning, telling us the army of planet Nugoohoo will be arriving shortly to enslave us all and send Trump to Uranus. Terrifying really.

PS- Scientists continue to be the worst at naming stuff. FRB 121102? Really? Why not Hank or Sally or something? Scientists are not creative, man.

PPS- Seriously, if an alien civilization were that advanced don’t you think they’d just decipher our language and shoot us a text? Maybe create a Facebook account or something? Up your game, aliens.

Looks like Cerberus as a puppy, guarding the gates of hell.

PS- In Greek mythology Cerberus (often called the “hound of Hades”) is a multi-headed dog that guards the gates of the Underworld to prevent the dead from leaving. Good times.

PPS- When you have to explain a joke it really does ruin it.

“Back off boieee!”

A drunk man has been beaten up by a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys after breaking into a zoo trying to catch one.

John Owen Casford snuck through the gates at Wellington Zoo to snatch one of the monkeys, only to be discovered with a broken leg and other injuries the following morning, the New Zealand Herald reported. 

Wellington District Court judge Bill Hastings said: “His intention was to capture a monkey and bring it home to his girlfriend. His attempt was not successful.”

The altercation left the “high as a kite” young man with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises.

Listen, man. You can pick on rhinos, you can pick on lions, you can pick on silverback gorillas. But you know who you can’t pick on? Squirrel Monkeys, that’s who. Just ask John Owen Casford. Bro messed with a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys and ended up with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises. Squirrel Monkeys give less than a damn, man. Back the hell off.

PS- How romantic a move is it to try and steal your girl a Squirrel Monkey? I’m thinking it’s a very romantic move. Had John Owen Casford pulled this off he’d been set for life, man. Sad really.

Philadelphia: A Philadelphia museum is pleading with thieves to bring back its bugs. In all, 7,000 insects, arachnids and lizards disappeared from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion last week. And they didn’t creepy-crawl themselves out of the building on their own. According to a New York Times report, police have zeroed in on three suspects, all current or former museum employees. The report cites security footage showing thieves slipping out of the building with large plastic containers. And inside those containers? An estimated $50,000 worth of giant African mantises, bumblebee millipedes, warty glowspot roaches, tarantulas, dwarf and tiger hissers, and leopard geckos. 

Holy shit man! Giant African Mantises? Tiger Hisses? WARTY GLOWSPOT ROACHES? RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! And doesn’t this sound like the beginning to a movie on the SyFy Channel? Bandits steal poisonous insects, insects escape, insects mutate into a marauding swarm of venomous killers, everyone in Philly dies. Then the hero lures them all into an underground tunnel and incinerates them, but in the last scene we see a few who survived, living in some little boy’s mason jar in his bedroom. Chilling.

PS- There’s a black market for bugs? That’s wild, man.

As a kid I could name every professional baseball player in the Major Leagues. Today, not so much. The damn games are too long and the players are wussies. Last year Indians pitcher Corey Kluber led the majors in complete games with 5. In 1968 Cardinal pitcher Bob Gibson had 28 and his arm didn’t fall off. Note to self: Write “Why I Don’t Watch Baseball Anymore” blog. Anyway, an exception is my man Adrian Beltre. Dude is eccentric like you read about. Below are two videos. In the first you’ll see that he absolutely hates to have his head touched. Because of this his teammates are always touching his damn head. In the second video you’ll see that he’s just a lighthearted goofball, enjoying the game like you’re supposed to. Love Adrian Beltre, man.

Bad omen.

Newsweek Online: According to scientists, the end of the world may come sooner than we thought due to colliding gravitational waves that would cause the Earth to be sucked into a black hole. 

Gravitational waves are invisible ripples in space which travel at the speed of light. The most powerful of these waves occur when objects move very quickly, for instance when two big stars orbit each other or two black holes orbit one another and merge. Such waves are often compared to the circular ripples which emerge when a stone is dropped in water. However, if a particle or object travels at the speed of light, flat gravitational waves can result. If such an event were to occur, and if the waves were big enough, the subsequent collision would create a black hole with a gravitational field that not even light would be able to escape from it. Literally everything would be sucked into it, including earth.

Well, hell. If it’s not one thing it’s another. Asteroids heading our way, Nazis everywhere, racism running rampant, conspiracy theorists running amok, an orange, nutcase tweeting president who’s inciting civil war if the upcoming elections don’t result in his favor, man it’s getting crazy all up in here. Now we have the possibility of a damn black hole sucking in everything from the Sun to the round (or flat, that’s another issue we’re dealing with) home we call Earth. And hey, we all know if the Earth goes you can kiss Uranus goodbye. That’s just science.

PS- The earth is going to be swallowed up and incinerated when the sun inevitably becomes a giant red star in 5-billion years anyway, so whatevs.

PPS- I’ve said this before but I have no idea how I’d act if they told us we had a week left. I’d like to think I’d go out with class and dignity, but there are a couple folks to whom I might pay a visit. Just sayin’.

PPPS- Uranus jokes never get old.

Once again the Simpson’s have predicted the future.

 

 

 

So damn true. Here are 20 teacher memes for your perusal.

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So Rain Price was a 16-year old sophomore in Utah, and on his first day of school his dad Dale casually walked out the front door and gave him a wave as he got on the bus. Greatly embarrassed, that evening Rain begged his father to never do it again. This was a really, really big mistake. I’ve only posted a few photos here, but for the next 179-days of the school year dad stepped out the front door to wave at his son. Take a look. That’s gold, Jerry. Gold.

Listen, I love animals but holy Hell that’s a monster. Actually it’s an Australian Flying Fox, which is really a big ass bat that has come to have somebody for breakfast. Seriously, can you imagine walking out your front door and seeing that beast staring at you? Sweet Mother of God.

This dog, this fence. On a related note, yikes.

Kingston: A Jamaican man has been hospitalized after having a part of his penis bitten off by his neighbor’s dog.

The man, named locally as Neily, had been chatting to his neighbor over her gate in Stony Hill, north of Kingston, Jamaica, when her dog attacked.

He told a Jamaican newspaper that the dog had pushed its nose through the metal bars of the gate and snapped its jaws around his genitals. “The dog pushed its mouth through the metal because I was standing close to it, and it bit me on my penis,” he told The Weekend Star. “I will not be going near that dog again.”

Having a bad day, boys? Tough day at work? Boss being hard on you? Wife picking at you over those beers you had with the boys last night?  Perhaps the kids are being pains in the asses? Well, I don’t want to hear it. Why? Because you’re not Neily of Stony Hill down in Kingston, Jamaica, that’s why.

PS- Ol’ Neily handled this whole tragedy well, didn’t he? Just matter-of-factly telling us what happened. And good call Neily – I wouldn’t go near that dog again either.

Ok, maybe 10 or 12. Still a pissy day for all involved.

PS- Solid work by the camera guy there. Stood his ground while chaos ensued.

Aw. Look at Marshmallow.

Wilmette, IL: Just after returning home from a walk around the block with her dog, Marshmallow, an 8-year-old Wilmette girl expected a visit from a playmate. Instead, police officers arrived at the family’s door. An anonymous caller had contacted police after seeing the girl walking the dog alone, said her mother, Corey Widen. The seemingly common activity launched an Illinois Department of Children and Family Services investigation to see if Widen was neglecting her children. Widen said the girl’s walk around the block — most of which Widen says she can see out her windows — is the only time her daughter is unsupervised. 

Oh for the love of God. When I was a 8-years old I used to get up and leave the house without telling anyone, come home for a can of Vienna sausages at lunch, leave the house, come back at 6:00pm for supper, then Mom would tell me to come back when the street lights came on.  She had no idea what the hell I was doing when I was gone. My only rules were to stay out of Paint Creek, don’t get into a car with a stranger and don’t go into old widow Snodgrass’s house over on North Alley Street. In today’s world an 8-year old can’t even take her dog Marshmallow for a walk. Sadly, the Wussification of America is alive and well.

Note: Sanity prevailed. The Police never pursued charges. 

A bride in Canada has launched a foul-mouthed tirade against her friends and family after blaming them for the cancellation of her dream wedding.

The unbelievable story went viral after shots of the bride’s ridiculous rant were posted to online, showing her slamming guests for refusing to give her $1,500 to attend the wedding.

The bride, Susan, took to Facebook to announce the cancellation of her wedding 4-days before the event, blaming guests for not funding her event.

The post starts with Susan announcing the cancellation of the wedding and that her and her partner have split due to “recent and irreparable problems”.

“Before I begin this mini-novel, I invite all of you to put yourselves in my shoes,” the jilted bride wrote.

“For once, let me take the stage and voice the most painful few months of my life.” She then goes on to explain how she had always dreamt of having a huge “blowout” wedding but as her and her partner had only saved $15,000 they turned to their guests to fund the $60,000 event. They told guests they had to send $1500 if they wanted to be invited to the wedding and were absolutely shocked when hardly anyone coughed up.

“I SPECIFICALLY, I mean SPECIFICALLY asked for cash gifts,” she wrote.
“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamt of without proper funding?”

The bride became increasingly upset when people weren’t giving them the money they requested. Eventually all of the bride’s friends and family turned on her, including her fiance, over her obsession with having a huge wedding.

She ends the rant by telling everyone she is cutting off all the friends and family who refused to give her money and that she will be in South Africa backpacking for the next two months to get away from this “awful society”.

I’m rarely at a loss for words, but I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Just kidding, I’m never at a loss for words. Anyway, $1,500 to attend a wedding? Were the Foo Fighters playing and do I have a backstage pass? Because if not that ain’t happening, sister. What in the holy hell happened to getting the happy couple a toaster? Maybe a personalized doormat? May I suggest a Magic Bullet Blender from Best Buy for the low price of $29.99? Honestly though, this may be the most delusional, entitled human being I’ve ever heard of. Here’s hoping Susan has an encounter with a Green Anaconda whilst backpacking in South Africa.

PS- Seriously man, people should be paid to attend weddings, not vice versa. Watching the wedding party dance into the reception makes me cringe every time. I hate forced choreography.

PARTY!!!

Astronomers estimate a mountain-sized 1,300-foot wide asteroid could hit our planet in 2032.

It was discovered moving through a nearby constellation and stargazing chiefs in Britain, Italy, Spain and Russia have added it to list of potentially dangerous asteroids. If it did hit, an impact could flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. It was spotted by Gennady Borisov from the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory in the Ukraine.

He warned: “The first observations show that it moves quickly and is relatively close.”

The asteroid has been named 2013 TV135, and if there is an impact, it could cause an explosion equivalent to 2,500 megatons of TNT – more than 50 times greater the biggest nuclear bomb ever detonated. Scientists say we really shouldn’t worry too much though. The chances of the asteroid actually striking the planet are 1 in 63,000, although scientists will reevaluate the chances of an impact in 2024.

Do these people think we’re idiots? Hey, we’ve all seen Armageddon. Nothing to worry about my ass. Nothing except a rock the size of a freakin’ mountain hitting the earth at 30,000 miles per hour with the energy of a 1-million megaton bomb that will flatten a massive area of land and trigger earthquakes and tsunamis. Happens all the time.

Fun Fact: If an asteroid the size of a house crashed on Earth at 30,000 mph. It would have an amount of energy roughly equal to the bomb that fell on Hiroshima. Woohoo!

And I can hear the news in 2024. “W-e-e-e-l-l-l-l, the odds are now down to 1 in 6,000. We’ll reevaluate in 2028.” Chills, man.

So yeah, everyone can relax here on the Big Blue Marble. We have 14-years left before we’re all obliterated by ol’ 2013 TV135.

PS- Thanks Gennady Borisov of the Crimean Astrophysical Observatory. I had no idea that asteroids “moved quickly.” That’s some deep science stuff right there.

PPS- Stargazing Chief is an awesome job title. Sounds way better than Nerd Scientist.

PPPS- Lame name, man. 2013 TV135? Really? I’d have named it something like Death Star 3000 or Butch or something. Maybe Maximus.

PPPPS- Imagine you knew the planet was going to be wiped out next Friday. Can you think of anyone you’d exact revenge upon before the end? Yeah, me too.

 

I have a few observations here. First of all, there are creek eels in New Zealand? That’s sort of freaky, bro. Secondly, people take their children to feed this writhing black mass of giant worms? Like, for recreation? The caption reads, “We were on an outing feeding Eels at Battle Hill Forest Park near Wellington, New Zealand.” Da hell? A family outing? Finally, those ducks give zero damns, amirite? Just mixing it up with those giant slime worms without pause. New Zealand, man. It’s like another planet or something.

Key Largo, FL: A crocodile had a little support while crossing a canal in Key Largo, Florida, earlier this month — a yellow pool noodle.

The creature was caught on camera resting on the pool noodle as it swam across the water near mile marker 105 of the Overseas Highway, a 113-mile road that runs through the Florida Keys.

“I saw the croc off my balcony swimming up the canal,” local Victor Perez told Fox News on Wednesday.

And so the world takeover by the animals has begun. The Great Adaption if you will. Bears walking upright. Goats screaming like humans. Dolphins guarding nuclear missile sites. My dog Sparky conning me out of my recliner. The list goes on.

Now, crocodiles are learning to use pool noodles. I’m telling you man, next thing you know the ducks will be using Uzis and at that point we’re all screwed.

PS- Anybody wonder what happened to the person on the noodle?