Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

NASA’s InSight Lander has recorded the first ever ‘Mars Quake’ back in April. Roughly six months later, NASA recorded more ‘peculiar sounds’ on the distant planet.

In an Oct. 1 blog post, NASA said that the lander’s seismometer, known as the Seismic Experiment for Interior Structure (SEIS), is able to pick up subtle noises, including a breeze, as well as more Mars quakes.

It [Mars quake] had a surprisingly high-frequency seismic signal compared to what the science team has heard since then,” NASA wrote in the post. “Out of more than 100 events detected to date, about 21 are strongly considered to be quakes. The remainder could be quakes as well, but the science team hasn’t ruled out other causes.”

First, listen to the audio/video. My comments are below.

So the science team hasn’t ruled out “other causes?” First off, let me begin by saying this:  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you serious NASA? Those sounds are dinks caused by friction? Wind gusts? Suuuuure they are. I’m telling you right now, if those sounds aren’t aliens screwing around with the Mars InSight Lander I’m Marvin the Martian from Bugs Bunny. Hell, I’m pretty sure they were sending us a message in Morse Code at one point, then followed it up with an alien groaning into the mic just to shove it in our faces. Bottom line we’re going to be invaded and ultimately eaten by aliens. End of story. Thank you and goodnight.

Marvin.

SCMP- In a farm deep in the southern region of China lives a very big pig that’s as heavy as a polar bear.

The 1,102 pound animal is part of a herd that’s being bred to become giant swine. At slaughter, some of the pigs can sell for more than 10,000 yuan ($1,399.00), over three times higher than the average monthly disposable income in Nanning, the capital of Guangxi province where Pang Cong, the farm’s owner, lives.

While Pang’s pigs may be an extreme example of the lengths farmers are going to fill China’s swelling pork shortage problem, the idea that bigger is better has been spreading across the country, home to the world’s most voracious consumers of the meat.

Aaaand here we go again, messing around with genetics and whatnot. Seriously, what is it with people, building robots that act like humans, breeding giant animals, and otherwise tempting fate? Do we really need 1/2 ton porkers? Can’t we just breed more regular sized pigs? I don’t get it, man. We’re just asking for trouble. These beasts tried to eat Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, people! Imagine if a bunch of those things turned on us, like they inevitably will. Horrifying thought, really.

PS- I came up with a pretty solid “swelling pork problem” line but I couldn’t pull the trigger.

PPS- Sparky would go for the throat and take one of those things down in a heartbeat. Bacon for years.

Seriously. You hate Christmas if this is not in your yard in 2-months. It’s 72″ tall and sells for a mere $50! Get one!

Man, that was an awkward headline. Sorry. Anywho . . .

(BBC) –  A man who was gored by a bison in June took a date back to the same place – only for her also to be attacked.

Kyler Bourgeous brought Kayleigh Davis to the same trail at a state park in Utah with plans to watch the sunset. But when Ms. Davis ran a little ahead, she ended up alone with a bison who charged and flipped her into the air.

“I looked over my shoulder, seeing it get closer – and I looked again and it was pretty much right behind me. Right as I saw it, I flew up in the air about 15-feet,” Ms. Davis says.

She landed on her back and lay completely still – remembering what happened to Mr. Bourgeous – as the bison sniffed at her until he eventually left her alone.

Whew. Where to start. First of all, what are the chances this guy is tired of his girlfriend and wanted to end things for good? He takes her for the exact same spot and says, “Hey honey, you go on ahead. I’ll be along shortly.” Then boom, the bison does his thing like Kyler Bourgeous knew he would and Kyler is free as a bird.

Secondly, if it wasn’t a diabolical plan how stupid is this moron? His girlfriend wants to go on a date to watch the sunset and he says, “Great! I know the perfect romantic location! Let’s go to that place where I was gored by a bison!” It’ll be great!”

Finally, what are the percentages this bison heard that couple talking and attacked them because their names were Kyler and Kayleigh? I say 89%.

Good God.

Man, I thought that Mallard was a goner. Little dude just did a deep dive evasive maneuver and popped up unscathed, swimmin’ around like he owned the joint, apex predator be damned. And that shark has to be the butt of jokes back at the shark bar, amirite? Even the Pygmy Sharks are cracking wise and making fun of him. Guy may want to get away for awhile until he has his pride back. Sad really.

Listen, if these damn nerds don’t stop creating more intelligent and athletic robots we’re all in trouble. You know how this turns out, right? Good God. Didn’t anybody see The Terminator? Westworld? The Stepford Wives? Demon Seed? Those fembots in Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery? Come on man! These cyborgs are going to murder us all. WAKE UP NERDS!

Whew. Finally! I was wondering when someone was going to open the Flower of Life and find the Real Wave Conjugations. Thank God Terrance figured this all out because I was just talking to Sparky the other day about these very subjects. Terrance has really eased my mind. Can’t wait for his YouTube video.

PS- And everyone knows gravity isn’t real. Jordan proved that 30-years ago.

PPS- What the hell?

Check it. Click and scroll too see whole photo.

GearPatrol.com: Living Vehicle, a California-based luxury mobile home manufacturer, has unveiled its new 2020 Series trailer. The model is designed for full-time living and spending substantial time off the grid. It’s a luxury apartment on wheels — one that will minimize your energy consumption and water waste.

The 28-foot-long trailer offers 220-square feet of living space. Its design maximizes that by offering a lofted queen-sized bed that stores in the ceiling and a fold-out patio deck. Reconfiguring the dining area and opting for an optional fold-out Euro loft bed can increase the sleeping capacity to six.

Want to go off-the-grid and off-the-road? Living Vehicle can outfit the 2020 trailer for overlanding. The trailer has a steel-reinforced aluminum frame, a rear incline for an improved departure angle, and 16-inches of ground clearance. The “Off-Road Option Package” adds off-road tires, additional ground clearance, and a matte black body liner.

The cooking setup is versatile. The “Chef’s Kitchen” package adds an oven, a propane grill, an instant hot-water system, a dishwasher and an ever-critical six-bottle wine cooler. The trailer features a movable kitchen island, permitting outdoor cooking and improved flow within the living space.

Even if you are technically off the grid, Living Vehicle still has you set with multiple “Netflix and chill” options. The trailer comes standard with a WiFi source and a 42-inch 4K TV, and there’s an optional 70-inch home theater setup with a 4K projector.

Living Vehicle plans to produce a “small batch” of 25-trailers for the 2020 Series. Pricing for one starts at $199,995. That is expensive for a trailer (though on par with other luxury trailer options). But if you’re ready to embrace that full-on mobile life, it’s less expensive, better designed, and far better equipped than most apartments.

Lofted Queen-Size Bed? Check. Fold-Out Patio Deck? Of course. Chef’s Kitchen? Why not? Wine Cooler? Sure. WiFi source, 42-inch 4K T, and an an optional 70-inch home theater setup with a 4K projector? Duh. But hey, where’s the hot tub? Do you expect me to live like a damn hot tubless savage? Come on, Living Vehicle. You’re better’n’at. On the positive side, at $199,995 they’re practically giving these things away. Only 25 left kids! Get in line!

PS- Who even considers this camping? Last time I camped I pulled my $17 K-Mart Pup Tent from the hatch of my ’78 Ford Pinto, built a fire with limbs and a wadded up newspaper, stuck some dogs on a sharpened stick, popped a cold Stroh’s and went to town. Those were the days, man.

PPS- Pretty sure my little 2017 Hyundai Veloster could tow that beast with no problems. Veloster is a combination of velocity and roadster after all.

 

New Yorkers are nothing if not adaptable.

And whether that level is upward or downward is entirely up to you. See, Cam wore this ensemble at his post-game presser last night and it set the internet ablaze. Some say he looked like the Queen of England, others say he resembled the wolf disguised as the grandmother in Little Red Riding Hood. He reminded me of Mother Goose but that’s just me. Cam had a terrible game, and afterwards he gave us this gem of a quote: “It’s time for me to look at myself in the mirror.” I agree Cam. I agree.

Good stuff. Well, mostly.

[click and scroll to see the entire pic]

Oh my.

(Travel And Leisure)–The Von Braun Rotating Space Station will likely be the first commercial space station in history. It is due to be completed in 2025, and some people are already calling it the first space hotel in history. Alatorre spoke to Dezeen about the design for the space station, making it sound like the world’s most futuristic and luxurious getaway. The station will have “many of the things you see on cruise ships: restaurants, bars, musical concerts, movie screenings, and educational seminars,” Alatorre said.

Hotel visitors will have fancier technology than what’s on board the International Space Station (ISS). Space tourists will have toilets and showers that function more like what’s on Earth. Drinking water will be brought from our planet and non-potable water will be recycled throughout the station.

Eh, I can’t tell you I’m on board with this. I’ve never been a big space guy so I’m a little ambivalent. I mean, that’s a cool view and all but how long could you look out at space or the earth before you got bored? And you’d only have that cool earth view half the time at the least, right? Or maybe you could see it from either side of the spaceship, I don’t know. I was never a Star Trek guy. Plus there’s the whole possibility of dying thing. That’s always a negative. Anywho, hard pass for me.

PS- Watch that video below. Wild stuff, man.

PPS- The thing is named after Wernher Von Braun, who was influential in building the USA space program. Cool.

PPPS- He was also a Nazi. Not cool.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the Shoal Tent, the inflatable tent that allows you to suffer a grisly death on a river, creek, pond, or lake while camping. Because really kids, isn’t it everyone’s dream to doze off whilst drifting lazily down a river, come upon a sharp-edged rock and awake in a wet blackness as your nylon tent engulfs and entombs you as you sink to your watery grave to be eaten by a Bullhead Catfish?

Seriously, do you just float away in this death-trap or are you anchored to a tree or something? And how do you go to the, you know, bathroom? Can you imagine trying to steer that thing? Imagine stepping from your Floating Tent o’ Death to your canoe or vice versa. What could go wrong? And dude, is this is a Door Dash for bears or what? Yeesh. I can see a couple grizzlies spotting this baby floating downstream and one of them saying, “Oh look. Lunch is here.”

PS- The Shoal Tent us currently on backorder, so if you want to go to sleep on a river and never wake up you’ll need to wait at least six weeks.

PPS- Waterfalls and/or rapids. 

PPPS- This was largely stolen from the website Deadspin.

Well, you can’t question his enthusiasm.

PS- The Jackson State mascot is named Wavee Dave. Awesome.

Over the years I’ve told several stories that involved Jigger. Jigger was my brother-in-law and my principal, but most of all he was my friend. Whether it was going on vacations together, working together, or just hanging out, something interesting was always happening with him. If you don’t believe me, simply type “Jigger” into that search box on the left and hit enter. This site is full of Jigger stories.

For some reason this latest memory popped into my head the other day, and I’ve no idea why. It was the late 80s and Sis, Jigger, Twana and I had decided to take a camping trip through upstate New York.

Were we campers? We were not. Did we have camping gear? Nah. But hey, when Jigger got an idea in his head everyone sort of got swept up in the wave of his personality. It was that strong.

So, we went to K-Mart, bought some cheap gear and set out into the great unknown. The very first night we found a little campground somewhere south of Niagara Falls, parked our cars, set up or cheap little pup tents far away from anyone else, and built a fire. We were good to go.

Or so we thought.

It started around 10:00 that night as we were sitting around in our lawn chairs, having some adult beverages and cooking some hot dogs over the campfire. Somewhere, far in the distance, we heard a strange noise. It was sort of a faint wail, a cry of pain or distress from what sounded like an animal. We listened for a minute and dismissed it as being too far away to be a threat.

We chatted a few more minutes, then Jigger held up his hand to quiet everyone down, cocked his head, and said, “Is that thing getting closer?”

The answer was yes.

As we listened, the noise from the creature was indeed drawing closer and closer.

I guess we all stood up when the thing was maybe 100-yards out, wondering what the hell we were supposed to do. Find a weapon? Climb a tree? Run?

It turned out we didn’t have time for any of those, because before we could act it was upon us. There, bursting out of the woods, was an animal clearly possessed. It was a raccoon, and something was definitely wrong. Maybe it had rabies or something but that beast was crazed, man. It was running awkwardly, snapping its jaws and still screaming like a damn demented forest goblin.

The raccoon did a couple circles around the fire, sometimes on its hind legs, as we all darted around, high-stepping and screaming in panic, looking for somewhere to hide before the freak leaped up, ripped a vein out of one of our necks and killed us.

Then it turned, ran directly through the fire, and disappeared into the woods on the other side.

We all stood there in shock, staring at the smoke, sparks and flames the demon left in its wake as the wailing noises slowly faded into the night.

After a bit of time we started laughing, amazed at what had happened and how we’d reacted to it. And yes, we all decided it might be a good idea to sleep in the cars that night.

Those $12.99 K-Mart pup tents just didn’t seem like a good idea at the time.

PS- The next morning I woke up to the sounds of Jigger frying bacon over the campfire and singing “Rocky Raccoon” by The Beatles, because of course he was. 

Bonus raccoon gif because raccoons are cool.

Actually a bunch of mattresses were set up for an outdoor movie and they decided to make a run for it. Wild stuff.

Norwegians are nuts, man.

So occasionally I take Sparky to a local cemetery and let him run around a little, just to get some exercise and fresh air. Of course I pick up after him and to be safe I put his leash on if another person comes close to us with their own dog, but usually it’s just a relaxing time for him to smell the smells and hang out with me.

Usually.

The other day? Not so much.

You see, I parked in our usual spot, unleashed The Spark, and of course he leaped out if the car to do his thing. He sniffed around, going from tree to tombstone to crypt, tail wagging with that dog-smile on his face.

But then . . .

As I watched he stopped, stood still, his ears perked up, and off he went like a Jack out of Hell. He bolted over a slight rise and down the other side, snarling like a dog possessed.

I gave chase, calling for him to come back, but as I reached the top of the small hill I saw what Spark was heading for.

A burial.

In progress.

With people standing around solemnly listening to the preacher’s final words in honor of the deceased.

Oh good Lord.

I still have no idea what Spark was so upset about. All I know is that there I was, in a t-shirt, basketball shorts and sandals, sort of whisper-yelling for my dog to get the hell back to me as about 50-sets of grieving eyes stared at me.

Awkward.

All I could do was mumble a “I’m so sorry” several times as I scooped up my furry ball of terror and speed walked back over the hill to my car. Oh, and just before we disappeared Sparky gave one last yap at whatever the hell he was so upset about.

Me? I didn’t look back.

Forty-four tourists have been injured by a “tsunami” in a malfunctioning wave pool in China.

Videos of the incident published online show dozens of adults and children being smashed together after faulty equipment suddenly caused a giant wave to sweep through the attraction at Yulong Shuiyun Water Amusement Park in Lonmgjing.

Five people were still being treated in hospital on Tuesday for injuries such as fractured ribs, the South China Morning Post reported. 

Tsunami indeed. And the Yulong Shuiyun Water Amusement Park is aptly named, amirite? Water? Check. Amusement? Check. The only part they forgot was “horrifying” or perhaps “lethal.” That so-called wave went rogue and came crashing onto those poor folks like a ton of freakin’ bricks, man. And now that I think about it I don’t think this was caused by a malfunction. I’m guessing some minimum wage worker got fed up with the screaming brats and helicopter parents and decided to turn things up a notch or two. Or seven.

PS- Yes, China has minimum wage. It’s set by individual provinces. Boom. That sort of research by my crack staff is what separates this site from your ordinary average everyday run-of-the-mill website.

So a guy was staying at the Mount Washington Resort in New Hampshire the other day and walked out of his room to go grab some breakfast. There, leaning against the railing, was a bear checking out the sunrise. Probably climbed up there to get a better view, ya know? Bears, man. Appreciating nature’s beauty.

PS- Also probably looking for some free chow or a random stray toddler.  

Check out this scientist who wanted to get up close and personal with a Polar Bear, albeit from the comfort of his Arctic Buggy thingy. And I’m sorry but I’m always rooting for the animals when I see this stuff. This bro is in the Polar Bear’s natural habitat, and that bear is hungry. Am I the only one who was hoping the bear would bust that glass and have himself a tasty snack? That’s what I thought.

So I was perusing the Wordwide Interweb the other day and decided to randomly type “Great Ideas” into The Goggle. What happened next boggled my brain, blew my gourd and rattled my sensibilities. For what I found was a treasure trove of ideas that could, dare I say, change the world as we know it. I picked some of my favorites to share, and here they be. Enjoy . . .

Your car horn should be just as loud on the inside of your car as it is on the outside.

Brilliant! This would discourage those assclowns who feel the need to lay on their horn constantly!

If you don’t use your turn signal your car won’t turn.

Yes. YES! Seems obvious, right?

Smart traffic lights. You shouldn’t have to sit at a light when nobody else is around.

Hey man, it’s 2019. We’ve sent rockets to Mars. Why don’t we have smart traffic lights? Unbelievable.

Car horns that make a “womp womp I’m sorry” sound.

Love it. In this way you could let people know that it was your fault. I’d also like a “womp womp you’re an ass” sound.

Anyone who comes to a complete stop at an on ramp should immediately lose their driver’s license.

Can’t argue with that one. Keep your speed and blend, man. That’s my philosophy.

Get all the one hit wonder bands together for a huge concert, and they all get to play their one song.

How great would that be? Come on Eileen, Kung Fu Fighting, Electric Avenue, Spirit In The Sky, Thunder Island, it would be EPIC.

Pen Cap Cutlery (see photo)

Brilliant!

So whaddaya think?

PS- I just noticed that 5 of the 7 involved driving. Not sure what that means.

Fox News – A seemingly intoxicated man went on a mini-rampage that included allegedly attacking a man with a box of pizza bagels and ended with him slapping a woman in a Wendy’s in Arkansas.

Roger Bridendolph is facing multiple charges after he allegedly had an altercation with dollar store employees in Springdale, Ark., and then ran into a nearby Wendy’s, where he slapped an employee.

Listen, I ain’t mad at Roger Bridendolph. We all have bad days. I mean, who amongst us hasn’t felt like going on a mini-rampage, having an altercation with Dollar Store employees and slapping a Wendy’s employee? But wasting a perfectly good box of Pizza Bagels? That’s over the line, man. Unforgivable really. That dude’s nuts.

PS- Now that I think about it I need more information. If that box was Annie’s Mini-Pizza Bagels Roger Bridendolph should fry.

Mmmm. Tasty.

Listen, there’s no place in the game for nonsense such as this. What a horrible example for the youth of America. Get it together, Drake, for the sake of sportsmanship, and dare I say for the spirit of America. Disgusting. I’m embarrassed for you, Kalamazoo Growlers.

Note- Everyone knows I’m being sarcastic, right?

Seriously, Drake had to be channeling Earl Weaver, amirite? Earl Weaver was the best.