Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Wait. Who the hell wants to camp with 13 other people in the same tent? Isn’t the point of camping to get away from people? And if you do go with others isn’t it better to sit around the campfire, roast some marshallows, have a couple barley pops, and then retreat to the privacy of your own tent? This is like staying 14 damn people staying in the same hotel room. I don’t get it. Anyway, here’s your 14-person tent. No thanks.

Bonus Photo: The tent I used whilst crossing the American Northeast back in ’77 with my dog Hank. That’s right, no floor. That’s what sleeping bags are for.

The absolutely, 100% coolest thing you’ll see today.

We all heard ’em while growing up. Old Wives’ Tales. Some are so embedded in the fabric of our lives they’re nearly impossible to remove.  Without further ado, let’s take a look at 15 of the most popular ones and I’ll promptly debunk them. I’ll start with an Old Wives’ Tale (OWT), followed by the truth. Sorry in advance old wives, but you are about to be debunked.

OWT

You can catch a cold by going outside in cold weather without a coat or with wet hair.

TRUTH

You catch a cold through exposure to bacteria or viruses, not by actually getting cold. It’s just that viruses survive better in colder temperatures.

OWT

Reading in dim light hurts your eyes.

TRUTH

Reading in a darkly lit room might give your eyes some dryness or fatigue, but it won’t cause any serious or long-term damage. Chillax.

OWT

Humans only use 10% of their brains.

TRUTH

In reality, the entire human brain is constantly active—even when we are sleeping. That said, I had a kid in class we called Cheese Cracker who I’m pretty sure only used about  7% of his brain.

OWT

Humans eat an average of 8 spiders a year while sleeping.

TRUTH

Scientists say it highly unlikely that a spider would ever end up in your mouth. Spiders tend to be found either tending their webs or hunting in nonhuman-infested areas. They usually don’t intentionally crawl into a bed because it offers no prey. Why in the world would they enter your mouth? Spiders ain’t dumb. Everybody settle down.

OWT

You should pee on a jellyfish sting.

TRUTH

Uh, that doesn’t work, but this does – first, remove the tentacles (that’s what’s hurting you so much) with something other than your fingers unless you want get stung again. Next, pour something acidic, like vinegar, lemon juice, or battery acid, on the sting. Finally, use a flat object like a butter knife to scrape off the stinging cells. Do that and you have treated your jellyfish sting, all without having Uncle Roger pee on you.

PS- I was joking about the battery acid. Don’t do that.

OWT

Cracking your knuckles will give you arthritus.

TRUTH

Scientists have never actually found a link between knuckle cracking and arthritis. Still, it’s annoying as hell so stop. Also stop popping your gum. And chewing with your mouth open. I’ll stop now.

OWT

Eating too much turkey makes you sleepy.

TRUTH

While meat does contain an amino acid that helps to create melatonin, a brain chemical known for making people tired, turkey does not actually cause more fatigue than other foods. We’re actually tired because of the large quantities of carbohydrates and alcohol that a lot of us consume on Thanksgiving. What I’m saying is that daddy is in the recliner sleeping because he’s drunk.

OWT

Sitting too close to the television will harm your eyes.

TRUTH

This one stems from the fact that General Electric produced color TVs back in the 1960s that emitted up to 100,000 times more radiation than federal health officials considered to be safe—and while the  television sets were recalled almost immediately, the Old Wives’ Tale hangs around (even with our new TV technology and whatnot).

PS- I’m not expert but 100,000 times more radiation does seem a tad high.

OWT

You shouldn’t swim for 30-minutes after eating.

TRUTH

This Old Wives’ Tale assumes that after eating the body diverts blood from your limbs to the digestive tract, thus depleting your arms and legs of enough blood to swim. While it is true that digestion requires extra blood, the body does not drain the limbs of enough blood to work properly. Bottom line, you might get a small cramp. Deal with it.

PS- I fondly remember swimming at the Mead Pool. It was amazing. I also fondly remember a girl about my age named Tammy that swam there. I had a remendous crush on her and would immediately look for her upon our arrival. I long for a simpler time.

OWT

Bulls hate the color red.

TRUTH

Yes!

People believe this because the bull charges at that thing the matador waves around, called a muleta. Actually, bulls are color blind. They’re agitated by the motion of the muleta, not its color. On a related note, I hate bullfighting. I always root for a good old fashioned goring. Leave the damn bull alone.

OWT

The 5-second rule.

TRUTH

This Old Wives’ Tale infers that if you drop food on the floor and snatch it up within 5-seconds it wasn’t on the floor/ground long enough to gather germs. Nobody really believes athat anymore, right? We say that jokingly, right? Right?

PS- This Old Wives’ Tale is sometimes known as the 3-second rule. Or in my case the 3-minute rule.

OWT

It takes 7-years to digest a piece of gum.

TRUTH

Negatory. The truth is gum doesn’t digest at all. It travels through your digestive tract and then, you know. On a related note, who swallows their gum?

OWT

To cure a hangover, just have a little “hair of the dog.” In other words have a drink.

TRUTH

Seems sort of obvious but you can’t drink your way out of a hangover, although many have tried. Der.

OWT

Eating chocolate will give you acne.

TRUTH

I heard this one a lot whilst growing up. It is true that a high fat or high sugar diet can exacerbate acne and sugary stuff can often cause hormone fluctuations, which can increase acne. However, there is no evidence that eating normal amounts of chocolate directly triggers acne. In reality dark chocolate actually promotes numerous health benefits. Snack away kids!

OWT

Rubbing whiskey on you baby’s gums will ease teething pain.

TRUTH

Actually, experts recommend using natural remedies, such as massaging a warm washcloth on your baby’s gums.

I was talking with some friends today and we were talking about high school basketball and how much it’s changed. The subject came up regarding how many times the police actually became involved back in the day, whether it be to remove fans from the gym or to escort teams to their bus. Believe it or not, I know of at least three instances of policemen actually interacting with coaches during a game. Crazy but true, and you probably won’t be surprised to hear that one of those coaches was me. Here’s my story . . .

It was the early 90s, and my team was in a particularly tense battle with a team from a neighboring county. It was a non-league game and our opponent was a bigger school, I believe Division 2 while we were Division 4. The game was back and forth with several lead changes. Of course I was being pretty active on the sidelines, trying to urge my team on and dealing with the officials. And then, near the beginning of the fourth quarter, as I was standing a few feet in front of our bench shouting out instructions to my guys or giving some constructive criticism to the officials, it happened.

Suddenly, I felt someone tapping rather aggresively on my shoulder. I turned around expecting to see an assistant coach or one of my players, but to my surprise I found myself starting into the eyes of an angry policeman.

What the hell?

The next thing I knew he was in my face, pointing to our bench and yelling, “You need to sit down.

What? Sit down? I hadn’t even received a technical! The cop was a young guy, so maybe he was confused? I know I was.

Anyway, I then rather forcefully informed him that I would not be sitting down, that it wasn’t his job to tell me to do so, that it was the job of those three men in striped shirts on the court. Keep in mind that all this was happening with the game in progress, so although the officials may have seen what was happening they were busy doing what they were supposed to be doing, which was officiating the damn game.

The little Barney Fife dude was having none of it and again ordered me to have a seat. It was then that I said this:

“You’re out of line here. You’ll soon learn that you’ve made a mistake. Now you have two choices. 1,600 people in the stands are watching. Your first choice is to pat me on back, smile and act as if we’ve worked this out, I’ll smile and do the same, and you can walk back over to that wall where you were standing. Your second choice is to arrest me, put me in handcuffs, and take me to jail. Your call.”

At that point there was a bit of a pause where we stared at each other, and then he actually patted me on the back and walked away. And although I was tempted to pat him on the ass, I slapped him on the back, smiled, and did the same.

Thank God he listened to reason and common sense prevailed. That would have been a bad night for both of us.

 

 

 

 

Queen guitarist Brian May confessed this week that he was recently hospitalized because he somehow “managed to rip my Gluteus Maximus to shreds in a moment of overenthusiastic gardening.”

May didn’t bother elaborating exactly how “overenthusiastic gardening” might lead to such an uncommon injury, only that he did a “thorough job” wounding himself and “I won’t be able to walk for a while … or sleep, without a lot of assistance, because the pain is relentless.”

May added that he’ll be taking a break from social media to recoup and “please, please don’t send me sympathy.” 

Buddy Holly’s plane crash, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin’s overdoses, Elvis expiring on the toliet, the assassination of John Lennon, Freddie Mercury and AIDS, Kurt Cobain’s suicide, the list of rock star tragedies is a long and sad one. But this, this one is a pain in the ass. One of the founding members and lead guitarist of Queen, seriously wounded in a moment of overenthusiastic gardening. Seriously, dude shredded his butt muscles. Gardened his ass off if you will. I’m not sure how we’re going to recover from this one, kids.

Pray for Brian May.

PS- I seriously need to know what happened. Did he fall on a rake? Back into some pruning shears? Get involved with the wrong hoe? The world needs to know.

PPS- I tried to get a Fat Bottomed Gardener line in there but couldn’t figure it out. 

Hey, those wireless speakers must need antennas, right?

Yeah, it hasn’t been a good week for those notorious Murder Hornets. First we saw them getting diabolically roasted by the Honey Bees from Hell, and now video has emerged of a damn Praying Mantis just kicking the hell out of one and eating it’s head. Sad times for Murder Hornets. Sad times indeed.

WARNING: GRAPHIC. Also funny.

Listen man, I know the animals are making big comebacks all over the damn globe. We have wild beasts walking casually through city streets, birds are flying lower and becoming more brash, and alligators are walking through city parks like they own the damn place. But you know what I never thought I’d see? Monkey motorcycle gangs making toddler kidnap attempts. That one surprised even me. Be careful out there kids. It’s a new world. I swear I even caught Sparky looking at me funny today.

An Alabama man was found camping out on Walt Disney World’s abandoned Discovery Island after the park closed during the novel coronavirus pandemic, and the local sheriff’s office says the man told deputies that he was “unaware” he was trespassing.

Richard McGuire, 42, was arrested on Thursday after security found him on the Disney-owned property. He was charged with one misdemeanor count of trespassing.

According to an arrest affidavit seen by Newsweek, McGuire told authorities that the island was a “tropical paradise.”

Deputies from the Orange County Sheriff’s Department said McGuire, from Mobile, Alabama, accessed the island on Monday, ignoring multiple “no trespassing” signs to make his way there. McGuire told officials that he had planned to camp for about a week.

According to Click Orlando, McGuire was sleeping in one of the island’s abandoned buildings when police arrived.

McGuire has since been banned from Disney World properties. 

Wait. What? Well, I have lost all respect for Disney World at this point. I mean, when a man can’t camp out on Discovery Island the world as I once knew it is long gone. What did the cops expect him to do? Camp in a swamp or something? I’m not sure if you’re aware of this but Florida has alligators, man. And why camp under a bridge when the happiest place on earth is available? Seriously, if you’re going to trespass to find somewhere to sleep that’s the place to do it.

PS- I love Richard McGuire’s excuse that he was “unaware” he was trespassing. That one almost always works.

PPS- Banned for life? Really? They couldn’t just escort the man off the property and tell him not to come back? Guess Disney World isn’t feeling sympathetic during these troubled times.

PPPS- I knew this guy was from Alabama when I read the headline.

BLAINE, Wash. — In his decades of beekeeping, Ted McFall had never seen anything like it.

As he pulled his truck up to check on a group of hives near Custer, Wash., in November, he could spot from the window a mess of bee carcasses on the ground. As he looked closer, he saw a pile of dead members of the colony in front of a hive and more carnage inside — thousands and thousands of bees with their heads torn from their bodies and no sign of a culprit.

“I couldn’t wrap my head around what could have done that,” Mr. McFall said.

Only later did he come to suspect that the killer was what some researchers simply call the “Murder Hornet.”

With queens that can grow to the size of a matchbox, Asian giant hornets can use mandibles shaped like spiked shark fins to wipe out a honeybee hive in a matter of hours, decapitating the bees and flying away with the thoraxes to feed their young. For larger targets, the hornet’s potent venom and stinger — long enough to puncture a beekeeping suit — make for an excruciating combination that victims have likened to hot metal driving into their skin.

In Japan, the hornets kill up to 50 people a year. Now, for the first time, they have arrived in the United States.

Finally, some good news in 2020! Australia basically burned down, there were floods and landslides in Indonesia and Brazil, an earthquake in Puerto Rico, locusts swarmed across South Africa, Kobe was killed, Harry and Meghan quit the royal family, the Houston Astros are cheaters, and the damn CORONA19 has us all ready to punch a toddler. But hey, at least we have giant cannabalistic decapitating Murder Hornets with stingers that can pierce a goddamn suit of armor and make you feel like hot metal is driving into your skin, huh? Good times! On a related note, 2020 can go straight to hell.

Check out that little Armadillo Lizard, man. Dude looks like a tiny dragon. Armadillo Lizards get their name because they grab their tail in their mouth and roll up into a ball when threatened, like regular Armadillos. This guy likes to hide in crevices and whatnot, and enjoys fine dining fare such as termites, fleas and crickets. Tasty. Anywho, Armadillo Lizard.

PS- They make great pets! Woot!

He’s still making us smile.

Click and scroll for the funny.

John Krasinski is the hero we all need right now.

You all know about my problems with mistaken identities, right? My Incident at the Mall? Perhaps my Pain at the Pump encounter? And sometimes it’s not even mistaken identity with me. Sometimes I plain don’t recognize someone, as with the time I found myself Getting Lost Down Memory Lane.

Embarrasing, man.

W-e-l-l-l-l-l, today it happened again.

You see, I was pulling into the local gas station to grab some munchies and a pop before I took the pups for a run down at the soccer fields. As I parked, I noticed a former student (and now friend) sitting in her van beside me staring intently at her cell phone. Just to have a little fun I hopped out of my car, snuck around to her side of the van, got about an inch from the window, slapped it really hard and yelled, “GET OFF YOUR PHONE!”

Let me tell you, the look of horror on this complete stranger’s face was a sight to behold. ‘Twas a face contorted, wild-eyed, and as petrified as if she’d seen Lucifer himself.

Oh, and the noise she made? It sounded like someone had stepped on the tail of a Peruvian Spider Monkey.

Did I mention her cell phone landed somewhere on the opposite side of the van?

At that point all I could do was back away with my hands up, yammering stupidly that I mistook her for someone else, then speedwalk into the gas station hoping she didn’t pursue me with evil intentions.

It’s a miracle I haven’t been murdered by now.

PS- The person in question, Tasha Parks, was in tears when I told her this story. Glad someone thought it was funny.

 

Because we all need a hero, and that hero is John Krasinski.

Note: I recently posted a photo of a woman in a local supermarket covered head to toe in plastic, along with a giant hat, rubber galoshes, and what appeared to be humongous gloves like Mickey Mouse wears. I posted it because she looked funny, not because I questioned her reasoning regarding staying healthy. Everyone settle down.

So we’ve run out of facemasks. We humans a creative species, amirite? We figure it out. We make do. Lemonade from lemons and whatnot. Want proof? Take a gander . . .

[click a pic, then scroll]

 

 

Who makes ya laugh?

Here we go kids, sitcoms from the late 50s to current day. You can vote for up to five, and if your fave is not listed you can write it in!

Kratu don’t give a damn about nuthin’.

Tim is new to this whole Twitter thing, but damn it if he’s not giving it his all. Tim is a National Treasure and, dare I say, the hero we all need right now.

[click and scroll to see the entire tweet]

Bloopiness aplenty.

Note: This is not intended to frighten or make light of anyone or anything. It is written in jest. Satire if you will. Chill. We must keep our senses of humor. That said, if you’re easily offended turn back now . . .

Although apprehensive, I talked myself into venturing out into the masses this morning, just a quick in-and-out at the local superstore as it opened for some essentials. Figured I’d get there early to beat the pandemic crowd. Hey, I figured what the hell? What could it hurt? As long as I avoid eye contact with humans and don’t touch anyone I should be ok. I’ll wash my hands when I get home! I mean, how bad could it get?

The answer, of course, is really really bad.

The first sign of trouble was in the parking lot. It was full. After scoring a spot, however, I approached the main entrance. The second sign of trouble was the twenty-something male that ran past me screaming, “Don’t go in there man! DON’T GO IN THERE!

And then, I felt it before I saw it. The panic and anxiety emanating from the store was palpable, alive, actually oozing from the entrance.

As I walked hesitantly into the store, I saw a scene that could only be described as total and utter chaos. Middle-aged women snarling and snapping at each other, grown men weeping, old men in obvious catatonic states, and frightened children in various stages of shock.

It was a scene from a horror movie. Cries of anguish everywhere, people sweating, and wild-eyed shoppers attempting to grab that last 24-Pack of Mega Ultra-Strong Charmin toilet paper rolls.

Immediately sensing impending doom, or at the very least being crushed by a 300-pound Vinton Countian bent on grabbing that last Purell Advanced Hand Sanitizer, I made an executive decision. Scram. Hightail it out of there. Run for my life.

I vamoosed.

As I did, from the corner of my eye I saw a Meat Clerk stealthily crawling into the relative safety of an empty industrail sized box of Tyson 100% All-Natural Pork Butts.

In Aisle 11, women were having a 3-way tug-of-war over a can of Bruce’s Canned Yams.

Over near the pharmacy, a lady in her upper 80’s dropped a much-younger counterpart with a vicious atomic elbow.

Somewhere, a store greeter wailed in the distance.

Although it can’t be confirmed, there were reports of a woman being beaten over the head with a can of Campbell’s Chunky Grilled Chicken & Sausage Gumbo.

It was a scene these eyes shall never forget, because well, some things simply cannot be unseen. The degradation, the greed, the overindulgence, the hoarding, the . . . smell.

It was too much for me.

As I staggered out into the light of day and breathed in the fresh air, I could only count my blessings that I’d survived the mayhem that I’d witnessed.

Imprinted upon my brain is a vision of a young father I’d seen near the store exit as I was making my escape. Our eyes met, albeit ever so briefly, and they haunt me still. I believe I saw his hand reach out to me, but alas, I could not turn back, mainly because I could not touch his hand.

I wonder still if he made it out alive, or if he’s still in there with his wife and children, searching for that last case of FitCrunch Whey Protein Bars.

I guess I’ll never know.

PS- Again, none of this actually happened. I’m kidding.

Oh, there have been many a dumb moment on television. Fonzie jumping the shark, Geraldo opening Al Capone’s vault, Dan Quayle, I could go on for days. But yesterday may have taken the proverbial cake. It all started with this tweet:

As you can surely see, the Math here is a bit flawed. And by “a bit” I mean “horrendously.” Any 5th grader knows that 1,000,000 divided by 1,000,000 is 1, right? Right? The truth is, every American would have gotten $1.53. But hey, the guy was only $999,998.47 off the mark. Amazingly though, MSNBC anchor Brian Williams and NYT Board Member Mara Gay aired the tweet and discussed it on live TV:

Oh boy.

I’ve been telling some basketball stories lately, most regarding coaches I’ve had the pleasure to have met over the years. And don’t worry guys, I’ll save the best ones until much later down the line. I’d never do that to y’all.

Not yet anyway.

I kid. Anyway, the story I’m about to tell came to mind the other day, and to this day I have no idea exactly what happpened. All I know is that afterwards I was pretty sure Bob Huggins was a warlock, a soothsayer, a seer, or possibly a combination of all three. Here’s the deal . . .

I was heading out to Morgantown for a game, and as usual I took a friend with me. It’s nearly a 4-hour drive, so we usually made a stop around halfway. We pulled off the main road somewhere west of the Ohio/West Virginia border, took a little side road and ended up at a gas station. My buddy went to use the bathroom as I grabbed some soft drinks and chips. We then loaded back up into the car and were on our way.

After about 45-minutes my friend suddenly yelled, “Damn it! I left my cell phone back at the gas station! It’s in my coat hanging on the back of the stall door! Shit!”

Well, hell. We were planning on attending the 10:00am walkthrough like we always did, and by the time we went all the way back to find the phone we’d miss it. So, we decided to call the phone, hope someone answered, and tell them we’d stop and retrieve it on our way back through the following day.

However, although we used my phone to call the number over and over until we got to WVU Coliseum, nobody was answering. We figured it was stolen or that simply nobody was hearing the phone ringing. Bottom line, we both figured the phone was long gone.

So we arrived at the walkthrough, took a seat beside the court, and got ready to watch the preparation for that night’s game. Soon Huggs came over and sat beside me and we began shooting the breeze. I introduced him to my friend, and I couldn’t help but throw this in:

Yeah, the dumbass left his phone in the bathroom stall of a little Mom & Pop gas station somewhere between Athens and Parkersburg. We tried calling it but I’m afraid it’s long gone.”

At that point Huggs laughed, asked a couple questions about the station (we had no clue of its name and just had a general location), and I assumed it was forgotten.

Except . . .

As we’re sitting there, just chilling and watching practice, Huggs suddenly hands me his phone and says, “Here. Say hello.”

Huh?

“Just say hello, damn it.”

I then say hello, not knowing what the hell was going on, and a woman’s voice says, “Hey honey, don’t worry, we have your phone. It’s under the counter. Just pick it up tomorrow.”

Wait. What? How?

Somehow, Huggs knew exactly the name of the little out-of-way gas station we’d told him about, called it, and explained our problem.

Of course I asked him what the hell just happened. His answer?

“Shoe, I’ve been on every backroad in Ohio and West Virginia looking at players. I knew exactly where you were talking about.”

Huggs, man. He never ceases to amaze.