Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Accurate.

I shall henceforth start a movement to make these name changes.

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Quotation marks can be used when quoting someone (der), but they can also be used to show sarcasm. Here’s an example:

Everyone in the theatre could see the “surprise” ending coming halfway through the movie.

However, some folks can’t seem to comprehend that and use quotation marks incorrectly. Compare these two sentences:

Hank and his best friend Jake went to the movies together.

Hank and his “best friend” Jake went to the movies together.

See? Changes the whole meaning of the sentence, correct? Anyway, here are fifteen examples of when quotation marks have been used incorrectly, much to the amusement of all. Well, me anyway. Hope you “enjoy” them.

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Gold, Jerry. Gold!

So over the weekend I attended a local basketball game and as always The Spark accompanied me. Sparky usually goes with me unless I’m going to be out of the car a really long time or if the weather is too cold or hot. Anyone who has seen my car knows the backseat (and sometimes the front passenger side) is basically Sparky’s territory and is always filled with a doggie bed and some comfy blankets. Anyway, the game ended around 9:30pm and I set off to meet some friends at a local establishment.

However, as I drove there Spark hopped up between the seats and nudged my ear with his snout, his way of telling me he needed to use the bathroom.

Well, I was in the middle of town so I made the quick decision to pull into the new library’s parking lot. Of course the place was empty and also had plenty of grass for Spark to do his business, which he did.

Keep in mind that Sparky is generally well behaved so unless I’m in a high traffic area he’s rarely leashed. Plus he looks both ways before crossing the street, so there’s that. And yes, I’m serious.

Anyway, as we walked back to the car Sparky spotted a little Weiner Dog in somebody’s front yard, and before I could stop him he ran to the street, checked for traffic, and headed to meet a new friend. Just as I trotted over to get him, a man opened his door to let his pup back in, not even looking down as his little Weiner Dog ran back into the house. He head was actually turned back inside like he was watching the TV or something.

You know where this is going, right?

Yep, Sparky walked right into the house with his new buddy.

And just as I was about to yell something, to my horror the man shut the door behind him.

Let me tell you, although the Spark is a constant source of entertainment with his neverending antics, this was certainly a new one.

All I could do was speedwalk up to the door, give it a knock, and try to explain myself.

Guy, opening the door about 3-inches: “Can I help you?”

I swear to you the dude was oblivious. He had no idea my dog had snuck into his house.

Me: “Uh, I was walking my dog and he went into your house.”

Guy: “What? How? What do you mean?”

Me: “He saw your dog in the yard and when you opened the door to let him back in he walked right in behind him. I’m serious. He’s in there.” 

But the guy still wasn’t buying it. I’m pretty sure he suspected I was a serial killer trying to con my way into his house.

Guy: “There’s no way. I would have seen him. Also, my dog’s a she.”

Well, that certainly explained a lot. But seriously, at this point I was starting to get a little upset. I mean, the guy was being very nice, but there was zero chance I was leaving without my best friend.

Me: “Listen, I’m telling you he’s in there. His name is Sparky. I’m going to yell for him.”

Guy: “Sure, give it a try.”

Me: “SPARK! Get out here!”

Of course, the next thing you knew Sparky and his new sweetheart came strutting around the corner, happy as larks, grinning the way dogs do. The guy was incredulous and amazed that Sparky had pulled that off. Being dog people, he and his wife (no, she hadn’t noticed either) gave Spark a belly rub and a treat before we went on our way.

The Spark. He’s the only one I know who can sneak into a stranger’s house and leave with a belly rub and a milkbone.

 

 

Love.

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So yeah, that’s what they call where we currently exist, the time between Christmas and New Year’s Day – Twixmas.

Seriously, that’s the name. Check it:

Twixmas. (slang) Proper noun. The period in between Christmas and New Year, typically December 26th-30th.

See? I wouldn’t lie to you. Well, usually.

Twixmas is theoretically a time to reflect on the past year yet face the fresh challenge of a new year, all whilst eating leftovers.

But it’s a strange time, is it not? A time of limbo after the big Christmas Comedown yet before the exhilarance of New Year’s Eve. It’s a time for withdrawal, from both the highs of Christmas joy and the prodigious gluttony of holiday feasting. It’s a blurry blaze of binge eating, where the days blend together in a fuzzy haze of unrelenting food comas.

It’s an odd bubble of null time, just a gray gap of emptiness where time ceases to exist.

It’s kinda like 6-straight Sundays, amirite? People lose all motivation to behave like a functioning adult. All known laws of human existence are put on hold as you lose track of the calendar. Is it 2019 or 2020? What day is it? Wednesday? Saturday? Morning? Afternoon? What is happening? The mind reels.

It’s a weird time of the year, man.

And somehow, even the Christmas Tree looks sadder, with its needles beginning to fall and the color transitioning from a glowing green to a deathly brown. Depressing.

Nobody knows what to do with themselves. Should I shop? Maybe return or exchange that unicorn sweater Granny got me? As for myself, in an effort to stay focused I’ve organized closets, reframed photos, and even organized my junk drawer and area under the sink because hell yes I did.*

*I honestly did these things. You can ask my sister because I proudly invited her over to look at my achievements. I’m so proud.

Also, in the spirit of my late mother I took down all Christmas decorations on December 26th. Once Christmas was over Mom was done with the holidays, man, and I shall proudly continue her time honored tradition. Everything back to normal!

After all that cleaning I became so bored I binge watched every episode of Cheers (Coach > Woody), The Office (again), Schitt’s Creek (excellent), Ancient Aliens (aliens were at Gettysburg and don’t tell me they weren’t), something called The Toys That Made Us (the My Little Pony episode was stellar), and everyone one of those series about the decades. Yep, I watched The Seventies, The Eighties, The Nineties, and the 2000s so I’m all caught up. On a related note, why isn’t there one on the sixties? This omission disappoints me greatly.

So anyway, now you know what to call it, that weird period between Christmas and New Year’s Day – it’s Twixmas.

Alas, on January 2nd we’re all thrust back into the harsh face of reality that is life. I, for one, cannot wait.

Happy New Year everyone!

Hell of an effort.

After eight long years, Michael Scott’s legendary screenplay has been released to the masses. If you a fan of The Office it is certainly a must-see. Enjoy . . .

Not Going Big Enough

Posted: December 11, 2019 in Classroom, Fights, Humor, Kids
Tags:

For some reason this memory popped into my head the other day . . .

Many a year ago I began my career teaching a Reading class to junior high students. I had a 7th grader named Max that was also on the junior high football team I coached at the time. Max was a good kid, a bit of a badass, and a helluva football player as well. Just as fearless and tough as they come but with a heart of gold.

To my surprise, during lunch one day Max walked into my class with tears in his eyes. Here’s the conversation that transpired:

Me: “What’s wrong man? You OK?”

Max: “Not really. A fifth grader was picking on my brother, who is in 3rd grade. I told him to leave my brother alone. Anyway, he said I was too big to be picking on him and he was going to get someone bigger to beat me up. He got a sophomore.”

Me: “Ah man, I’m sorry. Are you afraid?”

Max: “No, it’s not that. He didn’t go big enough. The guy’s down in the bathroom on the floor. You need to go check on him.”

Sure enough, there sitting on the floor of the bathroom was a sophomore with a bloody nose and knots all over his head. Seems the 5th grader had indeed “not gone big enough.”

Courier Mail – Drivers are more careful driving with a cake than their own children, new research shows.

The data obtained by News Corp from YouGov Galaxy and NRMA Insurance involving more than 1000 people found 77% of men and 68% of women to have a high opinion of their driving skills. In addition, 50% of parents said they drive more carefully with children, and only 12% said they drive with caution when transporting something fragile like a cake in the car.

However, when put to the test in an 8-day experiment involving 20-parents, the study found 95% of the drivers improved their skills and driving when transporting a cake in comparison to driving a child or being alone in the car.

People are outraged about this but I can’t lie here. The results of this study surprise me in no way whatsoever. I mean, your kid is strapped in, amirite? Even if you have a fender bender little Bub will be just fine. But a cake? A cake is a whole other story. First off, a cake is usually for a special occasion, specially made, blah-blah-blah. You can’t just run back and get another one should it slide off the seat or flip over or something. Come on man. No brainer. People who drive recklessly with a cake in the car are out of their gourds.

PS- Plus, cakes are delicious.

Bill Walton was my favorite college basketball player ever, period. In the 1973 National Championship game he went 21 for 22 from the field enroute to scoring 44-points as UCLA beat Memphis State 87-66 for its seventh consecutive title and 75th win in a row. Unreal. He was also amazing in the pros until injuries cut his career short. In the 1977 NBA Finals he had 20 points and 23 rebounds in the clinching Game 6 victory. In the Finals, Walton averaged 18.5 points, 19.0 rebounds, 5.2 assists, 1.0 steals and 3.7 blocks. Walton was named the 1977 NBA Finals Most Valuable Player. That said, he is now known as a bit of a flake, for good reason. Check out Bill in all his glorious zaniness below:

So noted pompous asshat Elon Musk unveiled his new bulletproof Tesla Cybertruck yesterday and it didn’t go well. It looks like something a 3rd grader would draw, I know of no self-respecting driver of trucks who would be seen in this monstrosity, and, uh, it ain’t bulletproof. Check it out.

Can’t you just picture a farmer you know pulling up to the local diner in this beauty?

ARBY’S APOLOGIZES FOR “SHOCKING” SIGN

When Christine Hemsworth brought her children to a local Arby’s for dinner, she was shocked to discover that some of her little ones might not always be welcome at the family friendly chain.

On Oct. 6, Hemsworth stopped by the meaty sandwich chain for a bite to eat with three of her kids, one of whom is a toddler, she told TODAY Food. Hemsworth, who is from Princeton, Minnesota, visited an Arby’s in the neighboring town of Elk River, which is about 20 minutes away. As she was entering, she saw a surprising notice posted to the door.

“Only well behaved Children who can keep their food on their trays and their bottoms on their seats are welcome. If you can’t do this you will be asked to leave,” the sign read.

“I’m not a complainer — I’m really not,” she told TODAY. “But this just didn’t sit well with me. The manager could have addressed the message to people individually, not assigned it to the general public.”

That night, Hemsworth posted the story to her Facebook page and by 9 a.m. the next morning it had garnered about 330 shares. She then deleted it.

After learning of the franchise’s actions, Arby’s issued a statement apologizing: “We recognize the language on this sign was insensitive. We removed it quickly, and have disciplined the manager and team working at the restaurant. It does not reflect our company values and the family-friendly environment we aim to provide in all of our restaurants.”.

Just one quick question – WHAT IS THE PROBLEM HERE? This is “shocking”? “Insensitive”? I’m dyin’ over here. So it’s too much to ask to keep your kids in their seats and not running around like hooligans while you’re trying to enjoy your delicious Smokehouse Brisket and Loaded Curly Fries? Good Lord, man. I know Arby’s isn’t exactly fine dining but people shouldn’t expect to be hounded by demon urchins from hell whilst supping either. Gimme a break, man. Lighten’ up America!

PS- It’s so sad that Arby’s backed down so quickly and apologized. Feel free to let your children have food fights and act disrespectfully everyone! Here’s a preview!

Sometimes the narrator makes a video substantially better. This is one such video.

Good boy Monster. Good boy.

Oh for the love of God this is all we need right now, a Man-Fish swimming around in China. And if there’s one there’s more, kids. That’s just science. What’s next? Pig-Faced Chimpanzees? Horse-Faced Gerbils? The mind reels, man. If I was swimming and that Koi-Beast rolled up beside me I’d die on the spot. Holy Hell that’s horrifying.

PS- Don’t tell me those are just markings on that fish. That’s a damn demon face and you know it.

PPS- China’s been on a roll lately, amirite? Must be the a nuclear plant leak or something over there.

Well, do ya?

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Gonna be hard to top this one.

NASA’s InSight Lander has recorded the first ever ‘Mars Quake’ back in April. Roughly six months later, NASA recorded more ‘peculiar sounds’ on the distant planet.

In an Oct. 1 blog post, NASA said that the lander’s seismometer, known as the Seismic Experiment for Interior Structure (SEIS), is able to pick up subtle noises, including a breeze, as well as more Mars quakes.

It [Mars quake] had a surprisingly high-frequency seismic signal compared to what the science team has heard since then,” NASA wrote in the post. “Out of more than 100 events detected to date, about 21 are strongly considered to be quakes. The remainder could be quakes as well, but the science team hasn’t ruled out other causes.”

First, listen to the audio/video. My comments are below.

So the science team hasn’t ruled out “other causes?” First off, let me begin by saying this:  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! Are you serious NASA? Those sounds are dinks caused by friction? Wind gusts? Suuuuure they are. I’m telling you right now, if those sounds aren’t aliens screwing around with the Mars InSight Lander I’m Marvin the Martian from Bugs Bunny. Hell, I’m pretty sure they were sending us a message in Morse Code at one point, then followed it up with an alien groaning into the mic just to shove it in our faces. Bottom line we’re going to be invaded and ultimately eaten by aliens. End of story. Thank you and goodnight.

Marvin.

SCMP- In a farm deep in the southern region of China lives a very big pig that’s as heavy as a polar bear.

The 1,102 pound animal is part of a herd that’s being bred to become giant swine. At slaughter, some of the pigs can sell for more than 10,000 yuan ($1,399.00), over three times higher than the average monthly disposable income in Nanning, the capital of Guangxi province where Pang Cong, the farm’s owner, lives.

While Pang’s pigs may be an extreme example of the lengths farmers are going to fill China’s swelling pork shortage problem, the idea that bigger is better has been spreading across the country, home to the world’s most voracious consumers of the meat.

Aaaand here we go again, messing around with genetics and whatnot. Seriously, what is it with people, building robots that act like humans, breeding giant animals, and otherwise tempting fate? Do we really need 1/2 ton porkers? Can’t we just breed more regular sized pigs? I don’t get it, man. We’re just asking for trouble. These beasts tried to eat Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, people! Imagine if a bunch of those things turned on us, like they inevitably will. Horrifying thought, really.

PS- I came up with a pretty solid “swelling pork problem” line but I couldn’t pull the trigger.

PPS- Sparky would go for the throat and take one of those things down in a heartbeat. Bacon for years.

Seriously. You hate Christmas if this is not in your yard in 2-months. It’s 72″ tall and sells for a mere $50! Get one!

Man, that was an awkward headline. Sorry. Anywho . . .

(BBC) –  A man who was gored by a bison in June took a date back to the same place – only for her also to be attacked.

Kyler Bourgeous brought Kayleigh Davis to the same trail at a state park in Utah with plans to watch the sunset. But when Ms. Davis ran a little ahead, she ended up alone with a bison who charged and flipped her into the air.

“I looked over my shoulder, seeing it get closer – and I looked again and it was pretty much right behind me. Right as I saw it, I flew up in the air about 15-feet,” Ms. Davis says.

She landed on her back and lay completely still – remembering what happened to Mr. Bourgeous – as the bison sniffed at her until he eventually left her alone.

Whew. Where to start. First of all, what are the chances this guy is tired of his girlfriend and wanted to end things for good? He takes her for the exact same spot and says, “Hey honey, you go on ahead. I’ll be along shortly.” Then boom, the bison does his thing like Kyler Bourgeous knew he would and Kyler is free as a bird.

Secondly, if it wasn’t a diabolical plan how stupid is this moron? His girlfriend wants to go on a date to watch the sunset and he says, “Great! I know the perfect romantic location! Let’s go to that place where I was gored by a bison!” It’ll be great!”

Finally, what are the percentages this bison heard that couple talking and attacked them because their names were Kyler and Kayleigh? I say 89%.

Good God.

Man, I thought that Mallard was a goner. Little dude just did a deep dive evasive maneuver and popped up unscathed, swimmin’ around like he owned the joint, apex predator be damned. And that shark has to be the butt of jokes back at the shark bar, amirite? Even the Pygmy Sharks are cracking wise and making fun of him. Guy may want to get away for awhile until he has his pride back. Sad really.

Listen, if these damn nerds don’t stop creating more intelligent and athletic robots we’re all in trouble. You know how this turns out, right? Good God. Didn’t anybody see The Terminator? Westworld? The Stepford Wives? Demon Seed? Those fembots in Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery? Come on man! These cyborgs are going to murder us all. WAKE UP NERDS!

Whew. Finally! I was wondering when someone was going to open the Flower of Life and find the Real Wave Conjugations. Thank God Terrance figured this all out because I was just talking to Sparky the other day about these very subjects. Terrance has really eased my mind. Can’t wait for his YouTube video.

PS- And everyone knows gravity isn’t real. Jordan proved that 30-years ago.

PPS- What the hell?


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