Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

A brazen meat thief has been caught on camera stuffing hundreds of dollars worth of prime cuts down his pants.

Sheriff’s deputies in Mobile County, Alabama, on Tuesday said they are seeking a man and a woman in connection with the stunning broad-daylight meat heist that took place on April 19th.

‘We are actively looking for these “Meat Packers”,’ the sheriff’s office said in a statement.

Security cameras at the Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, which is about 20-miles south of Mobile, caught the criminals in the act around 1:15 pm.

First off, how in the hell can you fit hundreds of dollars of steaks down your pants? What’s the average price of a nice steak at Greer’s Market in Theodore, Alabama, maybe $15-$20? Hell, you’d have to stuff 20 to 25 Porterhouses down your britches to get to “hundreds” of dollars. Dude must have had a lot of room in there. Stunning meat heist indeed. And I’m glad the sheriff is “actively looking for the meat packers.” Lawmen who inactively look for bad guys are rarely successful.

PS- Yes, although I was tempted I refrained from making a joke using the words “prime cut” and “pants”. That’s self-control right there, kids. 

PPS- While searching for an appropriate photo I typed “meat stuffed into pants” into Google Image search. Don’t ever do that.

I took a screenshot of this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it. That fellow in the photo is Dejounte Murray of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs. Anyway, that’s a really bad tattoo. Is it a maskless Ninja Turtle? A pissed off alien? Sam Cassell? The mind reels, man. Hell, it looks like a 3rd grader drew that abomination. Bottom line, I demand an explanation. Yikes.

Man, that’s a happy nerd.

So the internet is exploding over The Donald’s supposed “shove” of Prime Minister Milo Dukanovic of Montenegro. Hey, do you think the Trumpster’s gonna stand behind the leader of Montenegro?* Hell no. This is exactly what the people who voted for him want and expect him to do, man. Just knockin’ NATO leaders around like a boss. Seriously though, this just looked like a friendly slap to me. That dude’s lucky Big D didn’t chokeslam him and follow it up with an elbow drop. Montenegro? Get your ass to the end of the line. ‘Murica!

*Montenegro is a country in Europe and it’s beautiful, in case you didn’t know. It was formed in 1992 after the breakup of Yugoslavia. On a related note, I had no idea it existed until 3-minutes ago. 

That little jacket adjustment at the end just topped off the whole move, amirite? Trump, man.

Seems about right.

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Karma, man. Gotta love it.

Shoplifter Meets Miss Karma

Damn kid deserved it.

Satisfying to watch.

Oops.

Love it.

Karma makes me as happy as George W dancing.

I can relate, trust me.

Man, do I feel dumb right now. I settled for Big Boggle. Sigh.

Today’s post is from a Shoe: Untied contributor, Anna Rinehart. Anna is a friend and former student of mine. Enjoy . . .

It was a Thursday, late winter. I was sick as a dog, body aches from the tip of my hair to my smallest pinky toe. I thought that was the worst part of my day. Oh no, no that was not the worst of my day. Feeling so poor I thought a massage was in order but I didn’t want to travel far. With my mad Google foo, I searched “massage” near me. Woohoo! Just .2 miles from my home in the little town of old Worthington, a little tan house came up.

Day was looking up.

I called, and the nice woman said yes, they could take me in 30-minutes. I need time to enhance my homeless look enough to go .2 miles. Wallet and keys in hand, I made my way to the cute little tan house. The tiny woman greeted me and we made our way to the room, after I paid my bill (Red Flag #1). She left me in the room to get ready. On the table was a flat sheet and a towel, not small enough to call a hand towel, but not large enough to call a bath towel (Red Flag #2). I thought to myself that Kenneth’s gives me a nice sheet and warm cover, but being sick, I moved on. I just wanted to lay down (lie down). Too sick for grammar tests.

I got on the table and took the 12×24 inch terry cloth rag to cover my lady bits. The lady knocks and enters, only to yell at me to get on stomach, get on stomach. I strategically cover myself with the towel while, turning over and avoiding a crash to the floor.

It only gets worse from here.

She gives me a massage that I can only compare to being tenderized like a tough piece of meat, and that just covers the upper back. At this point I get to laughing or maybe crying, face down in the hole in the table. I am not sure what to do. Kenneth’s wouldn’t manhandle me like this. This goes on for sooo long, really only a few minutes but in my mind, eternity. 

Then she gets up and walks around the table, uses her Chuck Norris move to spread my legs and plant herself between them, ON THE TABLE!

RED FLAG!!

At this point my body is shaking with full on laughter. What do I do? I was paralyzed with discomfort, embarrassment, and laughter. 

Not only is she on the table but then, then . . . she does it! Where normal massage services would tuck my towel in the top of my big girl pants, she jerks them down. Keep in mind I am greased up like a pig. The balance of the massage I waiver between fear and laughter. Fear her hands will slip, and complete hilarity that I am in this situation. 

Finally, it ends. She leaves the room. I’m more tense now than when I arrived. I stand up, turn to pick up my clothes, when I see the sign:

Well, this would have been good information to know before I got on the table.

Later, I find out that this place is on a map of Columbus for massage parlors . . .

So this couple posted an engagement photo online, along with an open pregnancy test box in the lower foreground. Oops. Anyway, the resulting Facebook conversation was a classic.

Washington Post: Commerce secretary Wilbur Ross offered two highlights from his trip to Saudi Arabia in an interview with CNBC on Monday morning. First, he enjoyed the two bushels of dates he was given by Saudi Arabian security guards and, second, he was pleased that he saw no protester with “a bad placard.”

Perhaps because an American-style protest is illegal in that country and can result in a death sentence.

Ross was using the lack of protesters as an example of how warmly the Trump administration was received in the country.

Hey, how great is Saudi Arabia, huh? No protesters at all! Sure, you can be beheaded if you do but still! No negativity at all, everything was puppies and unicorns. This damn freedom of speech bullshit we practice here in the United States leads to nothing but unnecessary hostility. Maybe President Trump will come back with some great ideas. Wait. Uh-oh . . .

Yep. Dumber.

Weighing in at a whopping 30.8 pounds and measuring 3.93 feet long, Omar is much bigger than your average Australian cat.

Owner Stephanie Hirst said she expected Omar, a 3-year-old Maine coon cat, to weigh a maximum of 20 pounds. But when Omar hit that mark before turning one, she knew he was no ordinary feline.

“We sort of realized that he’s not nearly done growing yet,” Hirst told Australia’s Network Seven.

Hirst, who lives in Melbourne, said she has big plans for Omar. She has already submitted him to the Guinness Book of World Records to see if he will be named the world’s longest cat.

But Omar doesn’t seem to be fazed by his newfound fame. According to Hirst, he spends most of his time napping and staying out of the limelight.

Listen, I’ll say it even if nobody else will. That cat is too damn long. Freakishly long. Dude looks like a furry accordion, man. Scares me a little to be honest. L-o-o-o-o-o-n-g ass kitty. And it’s clear to me that Stephanie Hirst is just looking for publicity by whoring out Omar the Cat. Disgusting really. Anywho, long cat, man.

PS- So Omar “doesn’t seem fazed by his newfound fame”? Gee, I wonder why? Maybe because he’s a cat?

 
 

BOSTWICK, Fla. –Authorities say a Florida man leaned in to kiss a rattlesnake – but got bitten instead. 

Ron Reinold was flown to the hospital by helicopter in critical condition after he was bit by the rattlesnake on Tuesday, CBS affiliate WJAX reports.  

Charles Goff told WJAX he found the rattlesnake on Monday night. He said he knows how to handle snakes and put it in a tank, but he said his neighbors were playing with the snake when Reinold was bit. 

“The next morning before I got up, they were playing with the snake,” Goff told WJAX. “One guy said, ‘I’m going to kiss it on the mouth,’ and the snake bit him in the face.”

“Ron was just acting silly, you know?” he said. “I guess he said he could kiss the devil and get away with it, but evidently he didn’t.”

I read that this dude survived, unfortunately. This would have been a perfect example of natural selection, ya know? Social Darwinism and all that. Idiots like this guy need to die so future races will be smarter. Can’t let morons like Ron Reinold live to reproduce, man. That’s just a bad deal all-around for everyone.

On a related note, Florida, man.

ZimbabweA pastor has been killed after he was eaten by three crocodiles while trying to walk on water, it has been claimed. Jonathan Mthethwa was trying to show his congregation how Jesus walked on water by crossing what is locally known as Crocodile River on foot, according to local reports.

However, he did not make it across the river in Zimbabwe.

The pastor, from the Saint of the Last Days church, managed to get around 90-ft into the river, the paper reported, before trying to climb onto the surface of the river.

Eyewitness Deacon Nkosi told Zimbabwe Today: ‘The pastor taught us about faith on Sunday last week. He promised he would demonstrate his faith to us today, but he unfortunately ended up drowning and getting eaten by three large crocodiles in front of us. We still don’t understand how this happened because he fasted and prayed the whole week. They finished him in a couple of minutes. All that was left of him when they finished eating him is a pair of sandals and his underwear floating above the water.”

First off, I’m trying hard as hell not to laugh at the fact that the gators passed on eating the underwear, I really am. But can you believe the gators passed on eating the underwear? Gators, man. Even they have their limits. But seriously, Pastor Jonathan Mthethwa, I’ve always questioned this line of thinking where faith is concerned. “Hey, let’s really push God to the limit! I’m going to grab this rattlesnake to prove I have faith! The Lord will save me!” Well, maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll just wonder why you didn’t use the common sense he gave you as he watches you die a painful death from internal hemorrhaging. I mean, God helps those who help themselves, amirite?

Note: This reminds me of the old story about the man who was in his house as flood waters rose outside his door. A guy in a boat came by and offered to help, but the man said, “No thanks, God will provide help for me.” As the water rose, two more men in boats came by and were told the same thing. Eventually the man drowned, and when he stood at the pearly gates  he had this conversation with God:

Man: “I believed in you and had faith you would help me. Why did you forsake me?”

God: “I sent three boats for you. What else did you expect, man?”

I don’t know why but this cracked me up.

So apparently Steve Harvey is leaving his show in Chicago and is beginning a new one in Los Angeles, but I don’t really care about that. I’ve never watched him on anything anyway, other than a couple Family Feud highlight videos and the time he announced the wrong Miss Universe. That was fun. Anyway, a bunch of his staffers in Chicago are all talking about what a dick he is, and one of them released the following email he sent to them prior to his show beginning this season.

And oh boy, it’s a classic.

I’ll post the email word-for-word in italics, in all it’s glory. My observations are interspersed. Let us proceed . . .

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back. I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.

There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.

Well, that seems reasonable. Who wants to have a meeting in their dressing room? And nobody hates pop-ins more than me. What’s so bad about this, anyway?

Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.

Again, makes sense to me. Steve Harvey seems normal enough.

Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.

Well hell, that’s a little harsh. Removed? Sounds a little impersonal really.

My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me. I want all the ambushing to stop now.

Honestly? I wish I had a security team to stop random people in Krogers from speaking to me. That would be super. But really, when I hear “ambush” I think of getting attacked by Indians in a cowboy movie, not some dude trying to talk to me outside my office. Weird.

I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.

The NO MORE at the end really puts the emphasis where it needs to be, amirite? Stay the hell away, bro.

Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.

Wait. There’s a doorbell outside the makeup room? Damn it. So much to learn and so little time.

I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.

Gee, ya think?

Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.

Yeah, yeah. We discussed the ambush thing earlier. Let it go.

I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.

Steve, you have trouble entertaining me as a TV host, let alone in the hallway, so I will not attempt to walk with you. Jeebus.

If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.

W-e-l-l, since the group reading this is probably a little more wide-ranging than you ever intended, perhaps you don’t mean everybody reading this.

Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Oh no, no offense taken! All good Steve!

Thank you all,

Steve Harvey

You’re welcome sir. See you soon. Wait. No we won’t. Because we’re not allowed.

Sigh.

Actually Will Ferrell. Hilarious.

Golf DigestDonald Trump’s Northern Virginia Trump National Golf Club features a plaque between the 14th and 15th holes honoring a Civil War battle at that precise spot. The inscription, signed by Trump, reads:

“Many great American soldiers, both of the North and South, died at this spot. The casualties were so great that the water would turn red and thus became known as ‘The River of Blood.’ It is my great honor to have preserved this important section of the Potomac River!”

Nice sentiment, small problem: there apparently was no such battle.

The NY Times checked with various historians in the area who had trouble tying the site of Trump’s course to any such event.

No. Uh-uh. No way. Nothing like that ever happened there,” Richard Gillespie, the executive director of the Mosby Heritage Area Association, told the Times.

Trump, questioned how historians could dispute the battle, said, How would they know? Were they there?”

Damn it. I only wish I would’ve thought of this logic back when I was a kid:

Mom: “Ralph David, why were you picking on little Howie Perkins at recess?”

Me: “How do you know it was me? Were you there?”

Diabolical.

And hey southerners, still a little defensive about the whole slavery thing? Here’s your answer:

“How can you be certain it happened? Were you there? 

I swear to God I lowkey love this move. It’s so outrageous I almost have to respect it. Just bold as hell. Reminds me of a kid who covers his eyes and believes you can’t see him.

Trump, man. Abe Lincoln he ain’t.

 

So if you don’t know, Neil Degrasse Tyson is an astrophysicist, author, and scientist of some renown. He’s on TV all the freakin’ time. Anywho, he thinks he has all the answers and he took a shot at cats recently, which turned out to be a mistake. Why? Because a cat named Bitches responded by eviscerating him in one vicious tweet. Game, set, match to Bitches.

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ASHWAUBENON— A student wearing a Star Wars mask and costume prompted an evacuation at Ashwaubenon Middle School Thursday morning, May 4th.

Officials say a concerned parent called police after seeing someone walk into the school with dark clothing and a mask.

“There was no legitimate threat at AMS today. It was a misunderstanding where a student wore a Star Wars costume for “May the Fourth Be With You” day. There was no intent of a threat, but the student will be held accountable,” said Ashwaubenon School District said in a Facebook post.

Number one, what kind of a degenerate anti-American Putin-loving communist assclown snitch doesn’t know who Darth Vader is? And why the hell will the kid be “held accountable”? How is showing up on Star Wars Day as Darth Vader wrong? I mean, how does this school expect to deal with Halloween, man? Seriously though, a kid walks into a middle school dressed as Darth Vader and the entire school is evacuated. Never underestimate the power of the Dark Side, huh?

The nation’s demographics are on a clear trajectory: White people are dying faster than they are being born, which means they are on target to become a minority in the United States in 30-years.

“This is without historical precedent,” said Kenneth Johnson, the senior demographer at the University of New Hampshire’s Carsey School of Public Policy. “The minority population is growing, and the non-Hispanic white population is not.”

Whites currently account for 62% of the population but 78% of deaths, according to Johnson’s analysis.

“I don’t think people fully appreciate how much natural increase [more births than deaths] contributes to the nation’s growing diversity,” Johnson said. “If you ask people why is America more diverse, they would say it’s because minorities are being born. What nobody ever thinks about is that a lot more whites are dying.”

Well, well. How the tide has turned. Honestly, I can’t decide if this is good or bad for the White Supremacy crowd. On the one hand, how can they be supreme if they’re a minority? Can’t have that. Somebody might build a wall to keep them out, man. We can’t be getting all diverse and whatnot, that’s un- American!

On the other hand, they may soon be getting all those great privileges they say minorities get, like getting the first shot at jobs and the cute girls and stuff.

The world, man. How dare it change like this on us?

PS- Is it me or does Kenneth Johnson seem a little too happy about all these white people dying?

PPS- I swear to God I’ll get messages from people who don’t recognize sarcasm and think I’m serious. I can’t wait to show them to you.

So I posted that photo of Pharrell William’s wife and the weird-ass outfit she wore to the Met Gala this past weekend, and it turns out that was just the beginning. Here’s my girl Katy Perry, who showed up in something people might wear on Uranus. What the hell is on her head, gadgets to help her contact aliens or something? Honestly, these designers are just messing with us now, right? Just throwing crap together to see if these celebs will wear it. Crazy Town, man.

Only one Dave.

Here he is at Taco Bell.

And here’s Dave annoying the hell out of McDonald’s employees.

A-a-a-a-n-d . . . she wore this. Sweet Mother of God that’s awful. I mean, here’s Pharrell wearing ripped jeans and a leather jacket, something you’d see folks wearing into your local bar, and his wife is sporting something that looks like one of those squirrel wingsuits people wear to fly off of mountains and whatnot. Modern fashion is weird, man.