Archive for the ‘Humor’ Category

Perfect in so many ways. The timing, the reaction of the camera people, everything. And poor Atlanta. First they blow a 28-3 lead against New England in the Super Bowl and now this. City just keeps getting hammered from all angles. Sad really.

PS- Who sets up a camera on the wrong side of the street? Come on Weather Channel. That’s just awful.

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Ladies and gentlemen, few things make me happier than seeing a bullfighter gored by a bull. However, one of those things is seeing a bullfighter gored directly in the junk. Job well done bull. Well done indeed.

Listen, having my life threatened because of something I’ve written isn’t new. I’ve been threatened by angry clowns, Nazis, racist rednecks, a crazy lady stalker and even an angry mother of a high school bowler from Cincinnati. Still, this latest threat has me a little flummoxed. See, a few weeks ago I wrote a little something called Do you know a psychopath? which I thought was a fairly innocuous piece about, well, psychopaths. Anyway, a couple days later I received this little missive from some nutjob who has to be out of his gourd. I shall break it down as we go:

YOU, personally, really should weigh your words SERIOUSLY. I strongly advise you to delete this written defamation of a huge group of people who do not take slander and character assassination like this easily.

Well, I sort of assumed psychopaths would not take things lightly, so this part doesn’t surprise me a bit. Psychopaths, man. Thin-skinned like you read about.

I do not know which organization you have got to back you up, but if you do not care about lawsuits in the multi-million dollar range, fine, just keep on doing what you are doing.

HA! First off, these people have no idea what organization I have backing me up, and if they did they’d back off in a heartbeat. Let’s just say The Black Wave has my back.

Bad. Ass.

If you DO care about spending x-amounts of money to try and defend this CLEARLY written libel, then take my advice – DELETE. Your post is now officially been copied and screen-shotted and digitally stored for later use and evidence. This is just a warning. Delete or pay the consequences either monetarily or physically.

Whoa, can you say dark turn? But listen, any threatening letter writer that uses the word screen-shotted is alright by me. Hell, I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.

We are Antifa, we do not forget.

Wait. What? Who? Antifa? The anti-fascist group? Has this psychopath even read my website? Hell, I’m practically Antifa myself, man. C’mon Antifa. You’re better’n ‘at.

Note: No way somebody from Antifa wrote this. Has to be a lone wolf psychopath dude. I’m not rich so a lawsuit means nothing to me, and I ran the IP address and it originated from Arlington, Virginia. That would be a what, a 7-hour drive to kill me? To be safe, Sparky and I shall be on high alert for a few days. Such is the life of a world-famous blogger.

 

Best flight ever.

Jeebus.

Well, I see the plan to wipe out the human element in the workforce is almost complete. As soon as these things become self-aware they’ll organize an army and destroy us all. Seriously, with all the politically correct crap going on these days I can see these robots patrolling the streets monitoring hate speech and trigger words and whatnot. Every time “Trump” and “hate” are uttered in the same sentence one of these dudes will staring you straight in the grillmix. Terrifying really.

PS- Robot tipping will be a thing in the future. Write it down.

pppppppp

This reminds me of a story involving my son, which I shall not recount here. Anyway, enjoy . . .

PIX11 — An online worksheet that was never meant for children has parents at one Virginia middle school furious after a teacher mistakenly passed it out to the class, according to WTVR. A teacher at Carter G. Woodson Middle School assigned the “Family Quiz” worksheet Friday in a Family & Consumer Sciences class, according to parents.

Oh boy. First, let’s take a gander at the worksheet? How bad could it be? I mean really?

Well hell. How bad could it be? I guess the answer is pretty bad. It really took a left turn there on 17 through 20, amirite? And “boy toy” and “trophy wife” really takes it to another level, man. But honestly, who downloads a test and passes it out without, you know, looking it over first? Good God.

PS- Kudos to the kid that took this test. Nailed it.

PPS- Love the family dog at the top of the test. Cool.

Source
A security guard nearly lost an arm in a brutal battle with a 25-ft python – which was later chopped up and fried by hungry Indonesian villagers. Robert Nababan crossed paths with the giant creature while patrolling an oil palm plantation in the remote Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra island. Police say the 37-year-old tried to catch the giant python and stuff it in a gunny sack. But the huge serpent fought back and bit him on his left arm, nearly severing it from his body.

There’s one thing that stands out to me regarding this story, and that is the fact that Robert Nataban saw a 25-foot python while patrolling a oil palm plantation and proceeded to try and catch it and stuff it into a gunny sack. What the hell, man? I searched up “gunny sack” on the Goggle and here’s what came up:

How in the hell did Robert Nataban think he was going to stuff that monster into that tiny sack? Dude either has balls the size of basketballs or a brain the size of a BB. Good God man. Any normal human being would have taken one look at that slithering reptilian beast and run for his life. Instead, Robert Nataban tries to be a badass and ends up with his arm nearly severed from his body. There are some wild shenanigans going on over there in the Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra Island, lemme tell ya.

PS- The fact that this snake was chopped up, fried and eaten by the villagers is so Indonesia it hurts.

Good stuff.

Try and find a better headline writer. You can’t. Anyway . . .

Source – A 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a South Side hotdog stand Tuesday won’t be going home when he’s released from the hospital. Terrion Pouncy was arrested at the Oak Lawn hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a home across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he robbed at gunpoint about 6 a.m. on Halloween. The hotdog stand employee had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter as he called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncy, the bucket tipped and bills went flying, police said. Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him in the penis.

Hotdog stand robbery. Man shoots self in penis. Some stories just write themselves, ya know? Seriously though, unless you shoot yourself in the groin I don’t want to hear about your bad day. Why? Because Terrion Pouncy’s bad day will top your bad day 100 times out of 100.

PS- Who grabs a gun by the trigger as they pull it out of their pants? That’s Burglar 101, man.

So Cam Newton was discussing his team’s can-do attitude yesterday and unleashed the following quote on the unsuspecting masses:

“Yeah, we just lost a great player, but nevertheless, you know, the Titanic still has to go.”

Oh boy. Bad analogy. You know, because the Titanic sinks. What’s next, “We’re rising up like the Hindenburg”? Maybe “We’re driving ahead like Kennedy in Dallas”? Good God, Cam. Get your analogy game together. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- Cam’s post-game attire is must-see entertainment. Above we see the “Abe Lincoln Meets Urkel”. Good stuff.

 

We all know guys like this. J-u-s-t not quite right. A couple eggs short of a dozen. Both oars not quite in the water. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. They remind you of Paul Revere’s Ride, as in a little light in the belfry. Anyhoo, Jameis Winston is one of those guys. Honestly, you can tell he’s half nuts by looking into his eyes. Listen to his pregame speech yesterday and tell me I’m wrong. Dude is unhinged, man. But seriously, somebody needs to make sure Tampa Bay is following the proper concussion protocol.

PS- His speech rallied the squad to a 30-10 loss. Good times.

There’s really nothing more for me to add.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pride that I announce this . . . From Elyria, Ohio, here’s your 500th ASSHAT OF THE DAY! Milestone city! My Asshat Patrol’s tireless efforts have made a difference, as parkers all over the world are thinking twice before parking like an asshat! My tenacious patrol will continue to take the fight to enemy in parking lots, public streets and anywhere people park their vehicles.

Thanks to Asshat Patrol member Bob Sims for busting this historic asshat!

Source – A Montreal man who got a $149 ticket for belting out a song in his car says he’s shocked and upset. Taoufik Moalla, 38, says Montreal police have no business punishing him for doing nothing more than singing along to one of his favorite songs in his own car.

Moalla, a father of two, was a few miles from his St-Laurent home on September 27th when he saw a police car pull up behind him on St. Croix Avenue. He was driving to the grocery story to buy water and had popped a 1990s dance track — C+C Music Factory’s “Gonna Make You Sweat (Everybody Dance Now)” — into his CD player. “They asked me if I was screaming. I said, ‘No, I was singing,’ ” Moalla said. “I was singing the refrain ‘Everybody Dance Now,’ but it wasn’t loud enough to disturb anyone.”

A few minutes later, Moalla said the police gave him back his driver’s license, car registration, plus a $149 ticket for “screaming in a public place.”

Listen, I’m with 100% behind Taoufik Moallaon on this one. If you can’t sing “Everybody Dance Now” whilst driving your car you’re in a country that’s going straight to hell. Just today I was singing “The Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats loudly and proudly at the intersection of Bridge and Main in southern Ohio with the sunroof open and windows down and I wasn’t stopped by the po-po.

Come on Canada. What kind of totalitarian state are you running up there? Shame on you, America’s hat. Shame on you indeed.

Listen, I’ve always been against the sale of AK-47s and whatnot. Now? I totally get it. Hey, you forget my chicken wings and I’m going to shoot you the hell up, man. Especially at Pirtle’s Chicken. At least we know those assault-style weapons are being sold to upstanding, law-abiding citizens. I get it!

Remember when I posted the photo of these guys a couple weeks ago and how I’d have loved to have been with them? Well, this video tops that photo. As Clinton is giving a serious speech about global unity or something, watch W lean over and whisper something to Barry, who then holds back laughter as W looks at him mischievously. Listen, I hated Bush as president but damn he looks great to me now. You know, considering. Anyway, what are the odds it’s a Clinton joke? I mean, I love Bill but God knows there’s a lot of material there. Bottom line, I’d take any of these three in a heartbeat over the 12-year old tweeter we have now. But damn, I don’t want to know what W says here. I need to know.

PS- Now that I watch it again I’m pretty sure W told a really juvenile joke about some woman in the front row or something.

PPS- Never thought I’d say this but I think I’d really like to hang out with George W. Bush.

As many of you know I’ve had an incredible streak of luck at rock shows and with rock stars over the course of my lifetime. I’ve run into Todd Rundgren in a mall, Mark Oliver Everett on the street, and David Crosby in a hotel elevator, among others. I also saw Eminem in the Detroit airport once, and were it not for two behemoth bodyguards I’d have had a nice, civil chat with him. I’ve also bumbled my way into being Beck’s bodyguard, and Jeff Lynne once asked me to get him some tarts (I swear I thought he meant pop tarts – true story) backstage at an ELO rock show. At many a concert I’ve simply walked by security to get to the front of the stage, usually by just acting like I belonged there. Hey, you can’t argue with my success rate.

Note: I wrote about all this in a blog titled Lines and How I’ve Avoided Them: A Retrospective. Read it, and keep a pen or pencil handy to take notes. I also wrote about my rock encounters in an award winning retrospective titled Random Rock Encounters, a must-read if one ever existed.

Which brings us to last night.

Although I knew the Foo Fighters were coming to Cincinnati, for whatever reason I didn’t pull the trigger on getting tickets. Then, at about 2:00pm on the day of the show I got online and scored a ticket, albeit behind the stage. Hey, I wasn’t worried, I thought just getting into the arena would be enough. I’d figure the rest out when I got there.

Upon arrival I went down to my seat, and sure enough I was smack dab behind the stage with a backdrop blocking everything in front of me. Seriously, the fact that they sell tickets for those seats is an absolute sham and a rip-off of the highest order.

For most, that is. Not me of course.

As I stood there planning my next course of action, an usher walked up to me and asked if I needed help. It was then I just shrugged my shoulders, pointed to the humongous backdrop in front of me and asked, “I can’t see a thing from here. Is there anything you can do for me?”

Turns out there was. She looked around nervously, reached inside her jacket, pulled out a wristband, and put it around my wrist. Incredulous but not really, I asked her where it would get me.

Her response? She pointed down to the floor in front of the stage.

Boom. Floor pass baby. Seriously, within 30-seconds of showing her my ticket I’d gone from the worst seat in the house to, arguably, the best.

All I could do was give her a hug, tell her “Bless your heart” and head on down to be with my people in front of the stage, where I most certainly belonged.

The next 4-hours were rock and roll bliss, from the opening act The Struts to the freakin’ Foo Fighters, who gave one of the top five concert performances these eyes have seen and these ears have heard. Dave Grohl? National Treasure, man.

And I got to see it all up close.

But how did I get there? I really have no damn idea.

If you live literally anywhere but in a major city the video below will be laugh-out-loud funny. A cow got loose in the Big Apple and the locals acted like an alien dropped down from Uranus. It’s funny because New Yorkers act like midwesterners are gullible, innocent hicks yet there they are, giggling, taking photos and acting like school children at the sight of a regular farm animal. Too funny, man. City people are hilarious.

PS- Uranus jokes simply never get old, amirite?

We’ve all heard the arguments for and against the guys who are kneeling for the anthem – it’s unpatriotic, it’s not about the flag, it’s showing disrespect to our soldiers, it’s pointing out racial injustice, blah-blah-blah. Everyone knows where I stand on the issue (pun intended) because I posted a thread that got about 10-million freakin’ responses. Anywho, check out the jackass in the photo below with the “I Stand For The National Anthem” shirt and what he’s doing. This is blasphemy of the highest order, an ultimate sin and outrage to all true citizens of the United States of America. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that man is drinking beer through a straw.

 

Everyone can fly, just not very well.

Passengers on a Bali-bound AirAsia flight say they were left terrified after their plane suddenly lost cabin pressure and dropped 20,000 feet shortly after take-off.

The flight from Perth to Bali with 145-people on board was forced to turn back only 25 minutes after take-off on Sunday morning. Flight QZ535 passengers described how they were ordered to adopt the brace position and use their oxygen masks, with some saying they thought they would die during the ordeal.

A technical problem caused the aircraft to plunge from 32,000 feet to 10,000 feet without warning. Passenger Claire skew told 7 News the passengers were terrified.

Wait. Your plane dropped from 32,000-feet to 10,000-feet and you thought you would die? That’s shocking.  I usually don’t start to panic until the plane gets to around 1000-feet. Even then, I wait to around 500-feet before I put down my peanuts and drink to start looking for the exit door. Come on, people of AirAsia Flight QZ535, have some poise. Geez.

PS- If you think I’d ever get on an airline called AirAsia you’re out of your gourd.  They probably inspect the planes once every 10-years.

People Magazine: Mugsy the dog still lives in Severna Park, Md. Given the eerie events claimed by his owners, it’s surprising that Mugsy lives anywhere at all. On Oct. 27, they say, the 4-year-old Jack Russell terrier went to that cold, dread place that Edgar Allan Poe and Stephen King have written about—and he has lived to wag the tail.

Mugsy’s brush with the beyond began about 3 P.M., when he was hit by a car outside Viola Tiszl’s house, where her boyfriend, Glenn Maloney, was taking care of their two children. “I picked Mugsy up,” says Maloney, 30, a restaurant worker, “but he died in my arms.”

Maloney told the children—Megan, 5, and Kevin, 3—to stay in the house. He carried the body to a corner of the wooded lot, dug a hole he estimates was three feet deep and buried him. “I know a dead dog when I see one,” says Maloney. “This one was real dead. He was not breathing. He had no heartbeat.”

Later that evening, after Viola got home from her job at a cable TV company, they took the children—including Raymond, 8, Viola’s son by her ex-husband—to view the grave. Megan said a prayer. They planned to put a wooden cross on the spot next morning. At 5:30 A.M., 14 hours after Mugsy’s interment, Glenn and Viola were awakened by scratching at the door. Glenn went to the door. “I couldn’t believe it,” he says. What he saw was the not-so-late Mugsy, with his “little tail wagging at 90 mph.”

“Mugsy was covered with dirt,” says Viola, 27, “and his eyes were bloodshot.” Incredibly, he seemed quite chipper otherwise. For a few days after the night of the living dog, Zeus, Viola’s German shepherd, gave Mugsy a wide berth. As for Mugsy himself, he is back chasing squirrels, digging for moles and eating the brains of small children who wander into his yard.

OK, I made that last part about brains up. Not gonna lie.

Anyway, wow. Just wow. That’s some Stephen King shit right there. I believe I’d have kept a close eye on old Mugsy for a couple days. Zeus the German Shepherd knew what was up. He sensed there might a little zombie action going on. “Kept a wide berth” indeed.

And hey, that Glenn Maloney sure has some nerve, right? “I know a dead dog when I see one.” Uh, Glen? No, you don’t. You don’t know a dead dog when you see one. You know, because that wasn’t a dead dog you saw. Bottom line, dogs? Don’t fall asleep around Glen. You might wake up buried 3-feet deep in the corner of a wooded lot.

And is anyone surprised the dog that came back to life was a Jack Russell? Little dudes are badass. My Sparky has whipped a coyote and brought a Doberman to its knees once. Being buried alive is like a walk in the park to those guys.

PS – What are the odds Glenn Maloney resented Mugsy’s awesomeness and used the accident as an excuse to get rid of him? If so, the dude had no idea who he was dealing with. Jacks, man. Takes more than being buried alive to kill them. Tough as nails.

So some bro created a cloud lamp that reacts in real time to the tweets of Donald Trump, because of course he did. This connected lamp is capable of reacting in real time to messages posted on Twitter, creating a thunderstorm every time a hilarious, self-congratulatory, delusional Trump tweet is posted. It’s the perfect gift for those of us who’d like a warning before a Trump Tweet slaps us in the Twitter Face, or for those who enjoy and approve of The Donald’s wacky, childlike antics. As for me, I’m going to purchase one and have the Looney Tunes theme song play with every Trump Tweet.

Photos and video below.

ggggggggg

For some reason I find this hilarious.

Pittsburgh Post-Gazette — A text message sent in January to U.S. Rep. Tim Murphy by a woman with whom he had an extra-marital relationship took him to task for an anti-abortion statement posted on Facebook from his office’s public account.

“And you have zero issue posting your pro-life stance all over the place when you had no issue asking me to abort our unborn child just last week when we thought that was one of the options,” Shannon Edwards, a forensic psychologist in Pittsburgh with whom the congressman admitted last month to having a relationship, wrote to Mr. Murphy on Jan. 25, in the midst of an unfounded pregnancy scare.

On Wednesday, Murphy released a statement in which he says he will not seek re-election.

A text from Mr. Murphy’s cell phone number that same day in response says, “I get what you say about my March for Life messages. I’ve never written them. Staff does them. I read them and winced. I told staff don’t write any more. I will.”

Man, bad look for Rep. Tim Murphy of Pennsylvania, amirite? You base a lot of your campaign on being anti-abortion only to have your mistress show the world you asked her to get an abortion. That’s a slap in the face of your voters if there ever was one. And I love how he threw his staff under the bus in a heartbeat. Politicians, man.

PS –  A politician being a hypocrite? Whodathunkit? Nothing like telling people how to live and what to do with their lives but refusing to hold yourself to that same standard. Crazy times, man. Next thing you know a billionaire real estate magnate game show host will convince the common folk he cares about them and they’ll elect him president.