Man steals chainsaw by stuffing it down his pants. Really.

Surveillance video released recently by Port St. Lucie police of an Oct. 28 shoplifting incident clearly documents the trouser phenomenon.

The accused chainsaw crook came in Treasure Coast Lawn Equipment in the 1800 block of Southwest Bayshore Boulevard and reportedly asked for $1 worth of change, according to a police report.

He picked up a Stihl chainsaw valued at more than $600 and left, riding away on a bicycle.

Surveillance video shows him calmly stuff the saw down his shorts and cover it with his shirt.

The saw does not appear to be running at the time.

I have several thoughts regarding the “trouser phenomenon.”  First off, the author of this article has a sense of humor and is joking, right? Has to be. “Trouser phenomenon?” “The saw does not appear to be running at the time?” Gee, ya think?

But listen, Anthony Ballard has more courage than I’ll ever have. If there’s only a .000001% chance of that chainsaw starting, it’s not going down my pants.

And I don’t know what’s more impressive, stuffing an entire chainsaw down your shorts or then riding away on a bicycle with it there. Jeebus.

Finally, what are the odds Anthony heard these words at some point in his journey:

“Whoa, Mr. Ballard. Is that a chainsaw in your pants or are you just happy to see me?”

Sorry, sometimes I can’t stop myself.