Welcome to the 20th Century!

Yeah, yeah, I know. We’re in the 21st century. I did that on purpose. Hopefully it’ll make sense in a few minutes.

Hopefully.

So I was talking to a friend of a friend the other day and, after a short discussion he’d asked for a favor of some sort. No big deal, but when I asked for his cell number in order to text him I got one of these responses:

“Oh, I’ve never owned a cell phone. I don’t text. Just call me on my landline.”

Now this would have been all well and good had he not said it with a smugness that made me want to punch him in the back of the face. Without speaking the words, he might as well have said this:

“Oh, you pathetic, worthless piece of trash. I would never lower myself to the act of texting. Please. And cell phones? I’ve never followed the crowd like the rest of you sheep.”

Have you ever met people like this? Hell, I heard some actor on TV brag about having never owned a cell phone in his life, as if to do so would somehow diminish him to the levels of the rest of us crowd-following cretins.

Even the Commissioner of Professional Baseball sniffed his nose the other day and told an interviewer, “Oh, I’ve never sent an email in my life. Wouldn’t even know how to do it.”

What? And this makes you special how?

And why, oh why, do people wear this as a Badge of Honor?

Have people always been like this?

Was there a caveman who turned up his nose and stated, “Wheel schmeel. I’ll stick with dragging my stuff around through the dirt.”

Let’s take a look at another scenario. It’s the late 1800’s and folks are starting to tool around in these 4-wheeled contraptions called automobiles. Were some people proudly proclaiming, “Please. I’ll never drive such an atrocity. Thank you, but I’ll stick with the horse and buggy.”

I suppose they did, right?

Jeebus. And they also stupidly resisted other things as well. To wit:

“Nah, I’m not a telegraph type of person. I prefer the carrier pigeon.”

“Screw the telephone! I’ll stick with the telegraph.”

“Why would I use air conditioning? I have a perfectly good hand fan, plus I shove ice down my pants.”

“Electricity? Pshaw! I prefer to light my house with whale oil.”

“Brassiere? It’s much more comfortable to go without one.”  Wait. Bad example. Disregard.

But you get the point, right?

I also get a kick out of people who proclaim from their high horse, “Oh, we rarely watch television. We’re usually reading Tolstoy listening to Gershwin.”

Of course you don’t. So if we snuck over and peeked in your window one Wednesday night we wouldn’t see The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills on your flat screen, right? O . . . K. Whatever you say. I ain’t mad at ya.

And for you people who don’t own a television, that’s cool and all but it just puts you in the category of the folks up top who resist every bit of new technology that comes along.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate technology, but I do hate the misuse of it. I despise seeing four people in a restaurant booth, all looking at their cell phones. I hate guys who talk too loudly in public with one of those dumb earphones. I hate the fact that kids spend way too much time on the internet.

But as I said, it’s not the technology, but the misuse of it, that bothers me. To not take advantage of it because you think it’s somehow below you is ridiculous, and it in no way makes you cool or better than those of us that do.

Listen, I get that people resist change. It’s sort of inherent in all of us on one level or the other. So, if you don’t want to text or even email that’s cool, man. Just don’t be so damn pompous about it.

It doesn’t make you special.

Just my take, kids. Have a great day.