Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

Perfect in so many ways. The timing, the reaction of the camera people, everything. And poor Atlanta. First they blow a 28-3 lead against New England in the Super Bowl and now this. City just keeps getting hammered from all angles. Sad really.

PS- Who sets up a camera on the wrong side of the street? Come on Weather Channel. That’s just awful.

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Ladies and gentlemen, few things make me happier than seeing a bullfighter gored by a bull. However, one of those things is seeing a bullfighter gored directly in the junk. Job well done bull. Well done indeed.

Listen, having my life threatened because of something I’ve written isn’t new. I’ve been threatened by angry clowns, Nazis, racist rednecks, a crazy lady stalker and even an angry mother of a high school bowler from Cincinnati. Still, this latest threat has me a little flummoxed. See, a few weeks ago I wrote a little something called Do you know a psychopath? which I thought was a fairly innocuous piece about, well, psychopaths. Anyway, a couple days later I received this little missive from some nutjob who has to be out of his gourd. I shall break it down as we go:

YOU, personally, really should weigh your words SERIOUSLY. I strongly advise you to delete this written defamation of a huge group of people who do not take slander and character assassination like this easily.

Well, I sort of assumed psychopaths would not take things lightly, so this part doesn’t surprise me a bit. Psychopaths, man. Thin-skinned like you read about.

I do not know which organization you have got to back you up, but if you do not care about lawsuits in the multi-million dollar range, fine, just keep on doing what you are doing.

HA! First off, these people have no idea what organization I have backing me up, and if they did they’d back off in a heartbeat. Let’s just say The Black Wave has my back.

Bad. Ass.

If you DO care about spending x-amounts of money to try and defend this CLEARLY written libel, then take my advice – DELETE. Your post is now officially been copied and screen-shotted and digitally stored for later use and evidence. This is just a warning. Delete or pay the consequences either monetarily or physically.

Whoa, can you say dark turn? But listen, any threatening letter writer that uses the word screen-shotted is alright by me. Hell, I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.

We are Antifa, we do not forget.

Wait. What? Who? Antifa? The anti-fascist group? Has this psychopath even read my website? Hell, I’m practically Antifa myself, man. C’mon Antifa. You’re better’n ‘at.

Note: No way somebody from Antifa wrote this. Has to be a lone wolf psychopath dude. I’m not rich so a lawsuit means nothing to me, and I ran the IP address and it originated from Arlington, Virginia. That would be a what, a 7-hour drive to kill me? To be safe, Sparky and I shall be on high alert for a few days. Such is the life of a world-famous blogger.

 

So mega-rich former Hollywood producer, banker and current US Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin posed with his trophy wife and a sheet of money, presumably because he’s excited to see his signature on a dollar bill, but hey, who wouldn’t be? Anyway, the worldwide interweb is having some fun with the photos. First, check out the pics:

Now, the comments:

“Picking out wallpaper for the cognac swirling room.”

“Only way this could be worse would be if Linton and Mnuchin were lighting cigars with flaming dollar bills.”

“You cannot parody these folks.”

“Why are they dressed like Bond villains?”

“Just a friendly reminder that the GOP wants to raise taxes on the middle class & take health insurance away from millions of Americans so people like Louise Linton and Steven Mnuchin can get a tax cut.”

“Me at Chipotle when the tell me the guac is extra.”

Good stuff. And it’s also comforting to know that some women are attracted to a man’s personality and not his bank account.

PS- Kidding. She’s totally attracted to his bank account.

PIX11 — An online worksheet that was never meant for children has parents at one Virginia middle school furious after a teacher mistakenly passed it out to the class, according to WTVR. A teacher at Carter G. Woodson Middle School assigned the “Family Quiz” worksheet Friday in a Family & Consumer Sciences class, according to parents.

Oh boy. First, let’s take a gander at the worksheet? How bad could it be? I mean really?

Well hell. How bad could it be? I guess the answer is pretty bad. It really took a left turn there on 17 through 20, amirite? And “boy toy” and “trophy wife” really takes it to another level, man. But honestly, who downloads a test and passes it out without, you know, looking it over first? Good God.

PS- Kudos to the kid that took this test. Nailed it.

PPS- Love the family dog at the top of the test. Cool.

Source
A security guard nearly lost an arm in a brutal battle with a 25-ft python – which was later chopped up and fried by hungry Indonesian villagers. Robert Nababan crossed paths with the giant creature while patrolling an oil palm plantation in the remote Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra island. Police say the 37-year-old tried to catch the giant python and stuff it in a gunny sack. But the huge serpent fought back and bit him on his left arm, nearly severing it from his body.

There’s one thing that stands out to me regarding this story, and that is the fact that Robert Nataban saw a 25-foot python while patrolling a oil palm plantation and proceeded to try and catch it and stuff it into a gunny sack. What the hell, man? I searched up “gunny sack” on the Goggle and here’s what came up:

How in the hell did Robert Nataban think he was going to stuff that monster into that tiny sack? Dude either has balls the size of basketballs or a brain the size of a BB. Good God man. Any normal human being would have taken one look at that slithering reptilian beast and run for his life. Instead, Robert Nataban tries to be a badass and ends up with his arm nearly severed from his body. There are some wild shenanigans going on over there in the Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra Island, lemme tell ya.

PS- The fact that this snake was chopped up, fried and eaten by the villagers is so Indonesia it hurts.

Try and find a better headline writer. You can’t. Anyway . . .

Source – A 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a South Side hotdog stand Tuesday won’t be going home when he’s released from the hospital. Terrion Pouncy was arrested at the Oak Lawn hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a home across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he robbed at gunpoint about 6 a.m. on Halloween. The hotdog stand employee had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter as he called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncy, the bucket tipped and bills went flying, police said. Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him in the penis.

Hotdog stand robbery. Man shoots self in penis. Some stories just write themselves, ya know? Seriously though, unless you shoot yourself in the groin I don’t want to hear about your bad day. Why? Because Terrion Pouncy’s bad day will top your bad day 100 times out of 100.

PS- Who grabs a gun by the trigger as they pull it out of their pants? That’s Burglar 101, man.

So Cam Newton was discussing his team’s can-do attitude yesterday and unleashed the following quote on the unsuspecting masses:

“Yeah, we just lost a great player, but nevertheless, you know, the Titanic still has to go.”

Oh boy. Bad analogy. You know, because the Titanic sinks. What’s next, “We’re rising up like the Hindenburg”? Maybe “We’re driving ahead like Kennedy in Dallas”? Good God, Cam. Get your analogy game together. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- Cam’s post-game attire is must-see entertainment. Above we see the “Abe Lincoln Meets Urkel”. Good stuff.

 

We all know guys like this. J-u-s-t not quite right. A couple eggs short of a dozen. Both oars not quite in the water. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. They remind you of Paul Revere’s Ride, as in a little light in the belfry. Anyhoo, Jameis Winston is one of those guys. Honestly, you can tell he’s half nuts by looking into his eyes. Listen to his pregame speech yesterday and tell me I’m wrong. Dude is unhinged, man. But seriously, somebody needs to make sure Tampa Bay is following the proper concussion protocol.

PS- His speech rallied the squad to a 30-10 loss. Good times.

Daily Mail: This is the horrifying moment a Siberian tiger attacked a young female zookeeper in full view of visitors. The big cat,called Typhoon sprang on the keeper at Kaliningrad Zoo, in Russia, after its cage was accidentally left open while she brought food to the animal. But her life was saved as shocked onlookers shouted and threw stones at tiger until it backed away. Some men even lifted a table and chairs from a nearby cafe, hurling them over the fence to distract the predator so the keeper could escape.

Boy, those guys are real heroes, huh? Throwing a table and chairs down on Typhoon from behind the fence. Tough guys. Still, this is an old story. Humans keeping a wild animal caged, somebody leaves a gate open, and next thing you know a zookeeper is facing the cold hard truth that tigers are born meateaters and one of them is looking at you as its next meal. Nature, man. There’s no reality check like a good old-fashioned mauling.

PS- There is zero chance I’d go to a zoo in Russia. Those people don’t give a damn about nuthin’.

wasn’t

The Hill — Sen. Rand Paul (R-Ky.) is reportedly recovering from five broken ribs after he was attacked while doing yard work on Friday. Doug Stafford, a top aide to Paul, told The Associated Press on Sunday that it is unclear when Paul plans to return to work as he deals with searing pain that prevents him from traveling and flying. Three of the five broken ribs are displaced fractures, which pose a risk for life-threatening problems, the aide told the news wire. His injuries could cause the senator lasting pain for months, according to the report. Rene’ Boucher, Paul’s 59-year old next-door neighbor, has been charged with misdemeanor fourth-degree assault.

First off, nothing screams “I’m a nerd” better than getting the shit kicked out of you by a guy named Rene’. Secondly, how the hell do you get beat up doing yard work? Wouldn’t you have a weapon with you? Maybe a rake? A sickle? Hell, a lawnmower? Make a charge at that bro with your 18 HP Cub Cadet XT1 Enduro Series LT 42″ Kohler Hydrostatic Gas Front-Engine Riding Mower  and watch that sucker go running back to his own freakin’ yard. Just a bad look all-around for Senator Rand Paul. Bad look indeed.

PS- You just know Trump is behind this. As if this public humiliation and evisceration wasn’t enough.

hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

There’s really nothing more for me to add.

Ladies and Gentlemen, it is with great pride that I announce this . . . From Elyria, Ohio, here’s your 500th ASSHAT OF THE DAY! Milestone city! My Asshat Patrol’s tireless efforts have made a difference, as parkers all over the world are thinking twice before parking like an asshat! My tenacious patrol will continue to take the fight to enemy in parking lots, public streets and anywhere people park their vehicles.

Thanks to Asshat Patrol member Bob Sims for busting this historic asshat!

The other day on Pardon the Interruption sports talking head/jock sniffer/name dropper Michael Wilbon said that NFL teams are “like plantations.” Wilbon, who used to have some credibility but lost it when he started sucking up to professional athletes like Charles Barkley, Magic Johnson and others, now mostly defends athletes and brags about having dinner with them.

Anyway, he was trying to point out that owners don’t have the right to tell players what to say and how to feel just because they’re employed by them. While that’s partly true, the plantation comparison was terribly misguided.

Wilbon, let me give you a short history lesson, for they apparently didn’t teach it to you at Northwestern. See, plantations were places that were usually inhabited by slaves and the owners who held them against their will back in the not-so-good old days. Slaves were kidnapped, beaten and forced to work without pay. On the other hand, NFL teams are businesses with employees who are compensated quite handsomely to play a game once a week, and are free to work in the NFL or not work in the NFL as they please.

To conclude, NFL teams are in no way similar to a plantation.

Thank you. That is all.

We’ve all heard the arguments for and against the guys who are kneeling for the anthem – it’s unpatriotic, it’s not about the flag, it’s showing disrespect to our soldiers, it’s pointing out racial injustice, blah-blah-blah. Everyone knows where I stand on the issue (pun intended) because I posted a thread that got about 10-million freakin’ responses. Anywho, check out the jackass in the photo below with the “I Stand For The National Anthem” shirt and what he’s doing. This is blasphemy of the highest order, an ultimate sin and outrage to all true citizens of the United States of America. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that man is drinking beer through a straw.

 

Everyone can fly, just not very well.

Passengers on a Bali-bound AirAsia flight say they were left terrified after their plane suddenly lost cabin pressure and dropped 20,000 feet shortly after take-off.

The flight from Perth to Bali with 145-people on board was forced to turn back only 25 minutes after take-off on Sunday morning. Flight QZ535 passengers described how they were ordered to adopt the brace position and use their oxygen masks, with some saying they thought they would die during the ordeal.

A technical problem caused the aircraft to plunge from 32,000 feet to 10,000 feet without warning. Passenger Claire skew told 7 News the passengers were terrified.

Wait. Your plane dropped from 32,000-feet to 10,000-feet and you thought you would die? That’s shocking.  I usually don’t start to panic until the plane gets to around 1000-feet. Even then, I wait to around 500-feet before I put down my peanuts and drink to start looking for the exit door. Come on, people of AirAsia Flight QZ535, have some poise. Geez.

PS- If you think I’d ever get on an airline called AirAsia you’re out of your gourd.  They probably inspect the planes once every 10-years.

People are dumb. Here’s proof. Click for the funny.

People? Dumb.

Shocking really. Who’d ever think a lion would bite you?

Republican, smart, traditional, and white. Glad she pointed that out to us.

So the prestigious Washington Post just fired off one of the most insightful, in-depth and well-researched tweets of the year with this gem:

NATION’S FOURTH LARGEST CITY STRUGGLES TO GET MOVING AGAIN AFTER HARVEY

 

Gee Washington Post, ya think?

 

(Source) — A former Los Altos High School student and baseball player is suing the school district and his former coach for hundreds of thousands of dollars because the coach repeatedly benched him. According to the suit, the school’s head varsity baseball coach, Gabriel Lopez, repeatedly refused to let 17-year-old Robbie Lopez, no relation, play throughout his senior year. The suit claims this constituted a pattern of “harassment and bullying.” The teenager and his parents are seeking $150,000 or more, according to the suit.

Sigh. And so it continues. If this is bullying, do you know how many of my former players could sue me? I’ll give you the answer – hundreds. Good God, man. Newsflash, Robbie Lopez – it’s your coach’s job to bench you if you’re not playing well. Hell, using this logic every kid on the bench could sue his coach. That’s just dumb, man.

PS- In the future every coach will be required to play every player an exact even number of minutes. Then nobody will get their feelings hurt. Awesome.

So I guess the Texas State football team went through some media training the other day, where they were taught some important core values. This is great because, you know, a lot of kids aren’t taught the basics of life at home. Ladies and gentlemen, here are those core values:

Sweet God almighty that pains me to read it. Seriously, we have to tell college kids that these are core values? What, did they forget “no killing”? Honestly, it amazes me that we have to explain to men between the ages of 18-22 that these behaviors aren’t acceptable. Hell, I coach kids from 14-17 and I don’t have to point this out to them. I mean, are there actually guys sitting there that are saying to themselves, “Ah, be honest, don’t hit women, no drugs, stealing or weapons. Now there’s a good idea.”

The mind reels, man.

Let’s begin with what may be the single greatest video on the internet right now. My comments follow . . .

First off, let’s get one thing out of the way. You can’t get much whiter than that dude, so he has to be happy about that. Secondly, you can’t be a white supremacist and wear your pants that low. You just can’t. That’s just copying the very folks you’re supposed to be supreme over. That’s lame, man. Bet he listens to Drake and Li’ Wayne too. Anyway, s-u-r-e it’s easy being a racist. You know, until you become separated from your fellow bigots and you’re being chased by some black guy with a stick. Then it gets real real fast, man. I mean, the little Eminem wannabe here couldn’t get that “uniform” off fast enough. But seriously, I had no idea the uniform of the white supremacists was a white polo and khakis. Not kidding, that’s the uniform. Isn’t that sort of lame? They look like the nerd that shows up to work on my laptop or something.

Anyway, bad look for the white supremacists, man. Guess their admission requirements are a little low?

PS- Can’t wait for the hate messages I’m sure to get from the Nazis. The over-under on grammar mistakes per message is 23.

Pure comedy.

 

LA Times – Residents of a Costa Mesa duplex were burning candles and sage to ward off evil spirits just before a fire broke out Tuesday night, fire officials said. Costa Mesa firefighters were called to the two-story duplex at 350 Avocado St. at 9:40 p.m., said fire Capt. Chris Coates. Coates suggested that residents monitor candles closely to help prevent a fire. “Anytime you have an open flame burning inside your residence, it can be very dangerous,” he said.

Man, nothing worse than trying to ward off evil spirits and burning your house down, huh? That’s a tough day right there. You’re already being haunted like you read about and then boom, things take a hard left turn and get worse. And Captain Chris Coates gives some sage advice, doesn’t he? Who knew that open flames can be dangerous? That’s stuff you can only learn at the Police Academy. Anyway, score one for the evil spirits I guess?

PS- Why do we only use “ward off” when discussing evil spirits? They’re basically the only thing we ward off.

PPS- Avocado Street is so L.A. it hurts.