Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

I took a screenshot of this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it. That fellow in the photo is Dejounte Murray of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs. Anyway, that’s a really bad tattoo. Is it a maskless Ninja Turtle? A pissed off alien? Sam Cassell? The mind reels, man. Hell, it looks like a 3rd grader drew that abomination. Bottom line, I demand an explanation. Yikes.

Karma, man. Gotta love it.

Shoplifter Meets Miss Karma

Damn kid deserved it.

Satisfying to watch.

Oops.

Love it.

Karma makes me as happy as George W dancing.

The Donald. Dude can’t get out of his own way. Just flat tells his Israeli audience he “Just got back from the Middle East.” I swear he doesn’t know Israel is in the Middle East. Geography 101, kids. And check out the Israeli ambassador. Bro looks like Hillary on election night, just flabbergasted like you read about. Trump, man. He keeps blogs like mine alive. God bless him.

On a related note, I never thought I’d miss this guy so much:

So this couple posted an engagement photo online, along with an open pregnancy test box in the lower foreground. Oops. Anyway, the resulting Facebook conversation was a classic.

Washington Post: Commerce secretary Wilbur Ross offered two highlights from his trip to Saudi Arabia in an interview with CNBC on Monday morning. First, he enjoyed the two bushels of dates he was given by Saudi Arabian security guards and, second, he was pleased that he saw no protester with “a bad placard.”

Perhaps because an American-style protest is illegal in that country and can result in a death sentence.

Ross was using the lack of protesters as an example of how warmly the Trump administration was received in the country.

Hey, how great is Saudi Arabia, huh? No protesters at all! Sure, you can be beheaded if you do but still! No negativity at all, everything was puppies and unicorns. This damn freedom of speech bullshit we practice here in the United States leads to nothing but unnecessary hostility. Maybe President Trump will come back with some great ideas. Wait. Uh-oh . . .

BOSTWICK, Fla. –Authorities say a Florida man leaned in to kiss a rattlesnake – but got bitten instead. 

Ron Reinold was flown to the hospital by helicopter in critical condition after he was bit by the rattlesnake on Tuesday, CBS affiliate WJAX reports.  

Charles Goff told WJAX he found the rattlesnake on Monday night. He said he knows how to handle snakes and put it in a tank, but he said his neighbors were playing with the snake when Reinold was bit. 

“The next morning before I got up, they were playing with the snake,” Goff told WJAX. “One guy said, ‘I’m going to kiss it on the mouth,’ and the snake bit him in the face.”

“Ron was just acting silly, you know?” he said. “I guess he said he could kiss the devil and get away with it, but evidently he didn’t.”

I read that this dude survived, unfortunately. This would have been a perfect example of natural selection, ya know? Social Darwinism and all that. Idiots like this guy need to die so future races will be smarter. Can’t let morons like Ron Reinold live to reproduce, man. That’s just a bad deal all-around for everyone.

On a related note, Florida, man.

Golf DigestDonald Trump’s Northern Virginia Trump National Golf Club features a plaque between the 14th and 15th holes honoring a Civil War battle at that precise spot. The inscription, signed by Trump, reads:

“Many great American soldiers, both of the North and South, died at this spot. The casualties were so great that the water would turn red and thus became known as ‘The River of Blood.’ It is my great honor to have preserved this important section of the Potomac River!”

Nice sentiment, small problem: there apparently was no such battle.

The NY Times checked with various historians in the area who had trouble tying the site of Trump’s course to any such event.

No. Uh-uh. No way. Nothing like that ever happened there,” Richard Gillespie, the executive director of the Mosby Heritage Area Association, told the Times.

Trump, questioned how historians could dispute the battle, said, How would they know? Were they there?”

Damn it. I only wish I would’ve thought of this logic back when I was a kid:

Mom: “Ralph David, why were you picking on little Howie Perkins at recess?”

Me: “How do you know it was me? Were you there?”

Diabolical.

And hey southerners, still a little defensive about the whole slavery thing? Here’s your answer:

“How can you be certain it happened? Were you there? 

I swear to God I lowkey love this move. It’s so outrageous I almost have to respect it. Just bold as hell. Reminds me of a kid who covers his eyes and believes you can’t see him.

Trump, man. Abe Lincoln he ain’t.

 

So our esteemed president had a little run-in at the White House recently. Check out the hilarious video first:

See, here’s where Donnie gets in trouble. Twitter Trump and President Trump are two entirely different people. A few months ago The Donald woke up, heard something from someone he passed in the hallway, shot out a couple tweets about Obama illegally wiretapping, and he’s been hammered about it ever since. Here John Dickerson is grilling him in the Oval Office about his own words and things went downhill quickly. He clearly can’t take it and he hates being called on it. Last week he said that the presidency is harder than he thought, that it’s more work than his previous job. Gee, ya think? Being the leader of the free world is a bitch, man. You have to be, you know, held accountable and stuff. That’s not fair, man. Get the hell out of my office.

PS-  I love the “everybody’s talking about it” line. That’s so Trump it hurts.

 

Well, good Lord. I guess his heart was in the right place?

First, the tattoo:

OK, first I thought that was a conch shell, but after reading his comment I realized Anthony Brown had a damn potato chip tattooed on his shoulder. Listen, I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure the century old expression “chip on his shoulder” wasn’t referring to a tasty snack treat.

PS- I actually looked up the expression and although it’s too boring to get into, it does not refer to a potato chip. Oh, and the 189 refers to the # at which he was picked in the draft.

PPS- Is that a Pringle or a Ruffle? Maybe a Lay’s Wavy? I’m so confused.

Listen, everybody knows how I despise the fairly recent trend where the wedding party dances into the reception, basically acting like fools. I’ve seen people ziplining in, grooms walking up the actual wedding aisle doing tricks with a soccer ball, all sorts of ludicrous activity. Why do I dislike this stuff, you ask? Well, basically it’s because I think the big day should be all about the bride, ya know? Not some doofus shimmying into the reception like Steph Curry after a routine 3-pointer. It’s not about you, ya assclown. And this may sound odd coming from a guy who is 0 for 2 in the marriage game, but to me all those goofy shenanigans take away from the actual ceremony, which should be sort of sacred, right? Yeah, I know the reception is different from the ceremony but do you really want everyone going home remembering what happens in this video? I think not. On a related note, that bridesmaid might be dead.

I swear to God that asshat is still dancing after that debacle.


Whoa!

[click to enlarge the hilarity]

Classy on the left, dumbassy on the right. Seriously, any woman that would allow this must be madly in love, man. Either that or the toolbag is controlling the relationship. The backward hats just top off the dopey ensemble, don’t they? On a related jerk note, that third guy from the right seems to be texting. How fitting. Have mercy.

Oh, the irony . . .

Posted: April 10, 2017 in Fails, Humor
Tags: ,

Seen dripping from a car window.

I’ve mistaken people for someone else on more than one occasion, including my unfortunate encounter at a gas station and the time I nearly scared a woman to death in a shopping mall. On a related note, I once texted a group of my player’s parents with a message meant for a girl I was dating. Trust me, that one was an awful experience.

Well, it happened again recently, and I’m lucky I didn’t get gutted with a Crocodile Dundee style Bowie knife. Here’s the story of my latest mix-up . . .

I went to a Super Bowl party back in early February that was attended by probably 20-people or so, and the shindig started with a pool tournament early in the afternoon. At one point I noticed a guy I knew named Jim who wasn’t dressed in his normal attire. He as all decked out in buckskins, a cowboy hat with a feather in it, laced up moccasin-style boots and a big bowie knife hanging from his belt.

It seemed sort of weird to me at the time, but hey, who am I to judge?

Well, turns out I was the guy to judge, because I started gently needling him, and by gently needling I mean teasing him mercilessly.

I think it started when it was Jim’s turn to play pool and he was standing over by the bar. I believe I yelled something like, “Hey Annie Oakley, get your ass over here. It’s your turn.”

I then looked at my friends expecting laughter all-around, but instead I got some confused looks and blank stares. I remember looking around and actually saying, “What, nothing?” Hell, I thought I was being pretty funny.

And so it continued for the next couple hours, as I continued  making fun of my buddy’s choice of attire. I may or may not have referred to him as Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone, among others. I believe the name Calamity Jane may have been thrown in there, I can’t be sure. Perhaps even a Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman, but that’s neither here nor there.

But why, oh why wouldn’t my dim-witted friends appreciate my humor? I mean, insults were the name of the game at this particular establishment, and I was on a roll.

Anyway, as I sat back watching my victim play pool, smug with myself and my rapier-like wit, we soon had a new arrival to the party. Yes, my friend Jim had just walked down the stairs and into the party!

Wait. H-o-o-0-l-d up a second. Jim couldn’t have walked in.

Jim was playing pool.

Except he wasn’t, because he’d just walked in.

Perplexed? So was I.

For a few interminable seconds, confusion reigned. But then, the inescapable truth sunk in. The man I’d been ridiculing for 2-hours, the man I’d brow-beaten, mocked and taunted, the man I thought was Jim, was in fact not Jim at all.

Well, hell.

How this stranger had not stabbed me in the heart with his bowie knife is beyond me. Dude had the cool of the proverbial cucumber. Hell, the guy hadn’t even turned to look at me, for if he had I’d have undoubtedly realized he was not who I thought he was.

And my friends? I guess they thought I’d lost my mind or perhaps was just being an asshole of epic proportions, which, since nobody told me to stop, doesn’t say a lot for their image of me.

How could this happen, you ask? I have no answer. I guess I never really looked at him directly? Who knows? I’ve never been known for my observational skills anyway. At the end of the day I guess I’m lucky the fellow was a patient, even-tempered gent.

I mean, the dude was carrying a really big knife.

Regular readers know just how much myself and my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied hate bad parking, especially asshats who think they have special privileges because they drive an expensive car. And parking in handicapped spots is a particularly unforgivable sin. You can find proof of our mean-spiritedness at our Asshat Parkers of the Day site. Our basic philosophy is this – if your asshattery is so strong that you need to perform the asshatish act of taking up two spots, go to the far corner of the damn lot. It’s not a complex concept, asshat. Anyhoo, what follows is my Top 10 Acts of Asshat Parking Revenge. Kudos to these fine Americans who are fighting this righteous, noble fight. Let us begin . . .

This first one is a rather harmless, though annoying act of revenge. I suppose it could be quickly rectified with a pocket knife, but it is irritating and point proving nonetheless. Other acts of revenge can much more malicious, as you shall soon see.

Next we have an asshat who made the mistake of parking in someone’s business lot illegally. Rather than calling a tow truck, this awe-inspiring do-gooder pulled out his handy-dandy forklift. Well done, sir.

What we see below is an asshat who made the egregious error of parking his precious vehicle on one of those grass islands rather than the actual lot so it wouldn’t get dinged. Seems he had a reputation for this asshattishly boorish behavior. Hence the bros lifting some concrete parking dividers to hem the asshat in. Kudo, bros. Kudos.

In the photo below we have an asshat who, although the spot was clearly marked “No Parking,” thought he could squeeze in because he had one of those obnoxious little smart cars. As you can see by the photo below, smart car, dumb owner. Note: I would have probably just picked it up and put it in a tree or something.

Here we have the act of some heroic mall workers, exacting sweet revenge on an asshat who left his car there after business hours, a rule clearly posted for all to see. Except asshats of course. Interlocking shopping carts – genius!

Hey asshat! You parked in a clearly marked spot for motorcycles! Good job, motorcycle dude. Note: I know 2-people could easily move the motorcycle, but still a nice effort.

Oh, how I love this next one. Now this asshat can never say he didn’t see the line. PS- That’s probably tape but oh how I wish it were paint. Wait. It’s clearly tape. Disregard.

Word of warning to all asshats: Never block a fire hydrant when the firefighters care about to roll in. And I love the fact that although the firemen had plenty of hose [insert joke here], they busted the windows out anyway. Firemen, man.

One of my all-time favorites. When an Asshat Vette owner rolled into a prime spot in front of a Red Robin near Boston, heroic Asshat Patrol member Kyle DeMattia took action. He even took video of his courageous act, which you may view below the photo. You are a legend, Kyle DeMattia. A legend I say.

Lastly we have proof that righteous, virtuous and honorable people still exist in this world, in this particular case Maringa, Brazil. This photo shows the breathtaking and honorable public shaming of an asshat who illegally parked in a handicapped spot. Hundreds of people lined up on both sides of the street to jeer and laugh at this asshat who returned to his car and found it covered with thousands of blue stickers and white wheelchair signs. Glorious, I tell you. Glorious. Felicitações, Brasil!

So be forewarned, asshats. The world is watching, and you shall be held accountable for your asshatish actions. Our movement is growing by leaps and bounds, and we are everywhere. Your solution? Park like a human being and not an asshat.

Just imagine. You finally get word that your dream has come true. You’ve been chosen to appear on your favorite game show, Wheel of Fortune. The Wheel, man! And then, just when you’re on the brink of greatness, you think the answer is “Streetcar Naked Desire” rather than “Streetcar Named Desire”. Sad really.


So the story goes this guy bought a bunch of used chairs online, and when he went to pick them up this is what he found. Buyer beware I guess? On a related note, always read the item description.

Hey, we all have regrets, right? Dumb things we’ve done that we wish we could do over? God knows I do. What follows is one of the dumbest decisions I ever made, not including relationship mistakes of course. If I included those this one would be knocked down to about #79. Anyhoo, I shall now take a deep breath and come clean . . .

Back in 1988 a friend of mine had a buddy who worked for CBS Sports. This guy got us tickets to the 1988 NBA All-Star Game in Chicago. We had passes for the dunk contest, the whole works. Well, by the time we checked into The Omni in Chicago that Saturday we were, uh, having a little too much fun. Later on we were in a bar near the stadium and were having such a good time that we decided, in our infinite wisdom, to stay there and skip the dunk contest. Hey, screw some dumb contest! We’re in Chicago! Plus they don’t have bars back home in Ohio, right?

Sigh.

Kids, I’m embarrassed as hell to report sad to report this would turn out to be the contest where Dominique Wilkins and some loser named Michael Jordan would have their legendary showdown. You know, the one where Jordan came in from the side, looking down on the basket, and nearly ripped the rim off? The one where Jordan jumped from the free throw line to win?

Yeah, that one. Personally I thought Wilkins won, but what the hell did I know? I was in a bar 3-blocks away barely paying attention. To put a cap on things, as we were walking into the stadium for the All-Star game the next day some guy offered us $300 for our tickets. Of course we promptly sold them. What can I say? We were idiots. But hey, it wasn’t like that game wasn’t memorable or anything.

I mean, Jordan only scored 40-points that night, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar became the all-time leading All-Star scorer in history, and the teams included, in addition to Jordan, Wilkins and Kareem, some losers by the names of Larry Bird, Danny Ainge, Kevin McHale, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Moses Malone, Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson, Clyde Drexler, Karl Malone, Hakeem Olajuwon, and James Worthy.

Man, that actually hurt to type.

Dumb decisions? I’d like to see you top that one.

Looks like a horrible idea.

Looks like a horrible idea.

NORTHAMPTON, Mass. (AP) – A Massachusetts police department’s program that sent officers into elementary schools one day a week to high five and fist bump students has been ended because some people complained.

Northampton Chief Jody Kasper says “High Five Friday” was started in December as a way to foster better relationships between police and children.

But some people questioned the program’s effectiveness and worried that it might upset some children, for example those in the U.S. illegally or those who have previously had negative experiences with law enforcement.

The chief tells The Daily Hampshire Gazette that parents were informed about the events beforehand and children were never forced to participate. She called the program’s demise “frustrating.”

Frustrating? FRUSTRATING? How about idiotic? We’ve become so thin-skinned as a nation that we’re worried about making little kids nervous who’ve had bad experiences with the po-po? And we don’t wanna upset the little illegal immigrants or kids who’ve run afoul with the law, now do we? Damn it, Trump! I thought you were gonna fix this crap.

This makes me very happy.

cccocky

Nobody tries, nobody competes, and now nobody cares. This video encapsulates why I hate the NBA All-Star game. It’s a joke. I need a beer, man.

drinking-dog


Sure, this guy’s sort of a jerk, but asshats get what they deserve, amirite?

eminemhailie

His heart was in the right place.

hero-races-to-open-gate-for-firefighters-oh-waitdefault1-1

maid

No remorse, man.

*And by minor transgressions I mean insane, batshit crazy transgressions. Read on . . .

Brian and Jennifer Butler got married and all was beautiful. It was their special day. They had their cake and first dance. Then the Maid of Honor, Amanda Willis, started drinking. Here’s the awesome story of the Maid of Dishonor . . .

A maid of honor was arrested and faces numerous charges after she allegedly drank too much, got into a car and nearly hit the best man at a wedding reception in Charlotte County, Florida, television station WBBH in Fort Myers reported on Tuesday.

The ceremony was described as beautiful, but when the reception kicked off, guests said the maid of honor, Amanda Willis, got drunk, according to WBBH.

“She was a mess. She drank almost a whole entire bottle of Fireball,” said one guest, Robert Templeton.

The bride told the station Willis “was drunk” within 20-minutes.

 Willis started asking people for their keys, according to those in attendance.

“She just went up to the best man and grabbed his keys out of his pocket and jumped in his car,” said Templeton.

Willis backed out and almost hit the best man — Brian Butler’s brother, who grabbed on to the car, the station reported.

“She took off, and his feet were dragging across the ground. He had to hit the E-brake,” said Templeton.

Guests wrestled Willis out of the car.

“She went back inside. She grabbed up the big bottle of Captain Morgan and just guzzled it,” said Jennifer Butler.

Then they say she got violent.

“As soon as I turned around, she came up and cracked me upside of the face,” said Templeton.

He said he swung back before he knew what was happening, and the deputies were called.

“It was insane. Absolutely insane,” said Jena Templeton.

Deputies said Willis claimed to be having an asthma attack and started shaking as if she were having a seizure. They took her to a nearby hospital, where she exposed herself to deputies, assaulted two medics and kicked over her bed pan, according to the Charlotte County Sheriff’s Office.

“She had her be her maid of honor, and it was a bad decision,” said Robert Templeton.

While Willis was supposed to be the bride’s best friend, Jennifer Butler said the two are no longer friends.

This arrest is Willis’ ninth in Charlotte County. She faces charges of larceny, battery, grand theft of a motor vehicle, and violation of probation.

This may be the greatest wedding story in the history of wedding stories. But hey, I’m not mad at ya, Amanda Willis. Who among us has not participated in a wedding, guzzled an entire bottle of Fireball, stole the best man’s car keys, stole the best man’s car, tried to kill the best man, downed a bottle of Captain Morgan, cracked a guest upside the face, faked a seizure, exposed ourselves to the cops, assaulted two medics and kicked over our bed pan? I mean really. Cut Amanda Willis a break, man. Everyone has a bad day now and then. So she may have stolen the attention from the bride. Big deal.

And I love Robert Templeton. After much introspection, he has come to the conclusion that having Amanda Willis as a Maid of Honor was “a bad decision.” Good call, Robert. Good call. I mean, who could’ve seen it coming? It’s not like she’d been arrested 8-times before or anything.

Florida, man.