Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

Well, maybe not killing now but it will eventually. Listen, I love basketball but you have to call this. You have to. What is the rationale for not? I don’t get it. MAKE THE CALL!

 


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So a French family was visiting a wild animal park in Holland and thought it would be a swell idea to hop on out of their car with the kids, set up some lawn chairs and chillax with some 180-pound killing machines that have the ability to run 75 miles per hour. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong? Sadly, they made it back to their car before getting mauled to death.

PS – This video is proof that cursing in English and Dutch is exactly the same. Cool.

Why, oh why would somebody walk into a lion enclosure? And no, this wasn’t a disturbed individual. Reportedly this guy owned the animal park. If anyone deserved to be attacked it was this moron. And I can only hope the guy yelling for a gun was planning to use it on the human. This is all a part of natural selection, man. Weeding out the weak and stupid and whatnot. Good grief.

CBS Boston – Julia Hartwell loves her dolls, arts and crafts, and like most four-year-olds, she has a best friend. However, that’s not a term Julia can use at Pentucket Workshop Preschool in Georgetown. Her mother, Christine Hartwell, says, “The teacher told her she couldn’t say that in school.”

The Georgetown preschool offered an explanation to Julia’s parents, saying the term best friend “can lead other children to feel excluded” and it “can ultimately lead to the formation of “cliques” and “outsiders.” The preschool wrote, they “encourage children to have a broader group of friends, and foster inclusion at this particular age.”

Oh, for the love of God. Now the schools are telling our kids they can’t have “best friends.” Hey, I met my best friend Dave Allen in second grade and we remain best friends today. Sure, he’s a highfalutin (that’s how you spell it, I looked it up so shut it) doctor in the big city who only sees me at his convenience, but still.*

My point is, who in the hell can tell us who our friends are? Answer: Nobody. If you have no friends you need to take a look in the mirror, amirite? Newsflash: Everyone is not popular in preschool. Some are better at coloring, others are really good at somersaults or counting or drawing circles and stuff. Figure it out, man. Carve out your niche. Learn how to make friends without your damn school’s help. Sad really. Get it together, America!

*Just kidding, J.R.

Tom Brady “still has not committed to playing in 2018,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported Wednesday morning, citing sources. The Patriots quarterback still is expected to return, according to Schefter, but hasn’t given “official word” that he’ll be back. Brady wants to continue playing football past 40 years old, but “there are people around him who would rather see him retire,” sources told Schefter. Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, reportedly has been among those who would like to see Brady walk away.

Hold the presses! Hold the presses! Breaking neeeeeews! Tom Brady may retire! Or not. He may play. We don’t know. But he might not play! But he might. Good God almighty. This is news? On a related note, you could say this about 200 other NFL players. I’m getting a headache.

Where’s an 18-wheeler when you need one?

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.

Dude, did you read the book? That’s exactly the point author Mary Shelley was making. Good grief.

I mean, I’m all about trying to make something work, giving it your best shot and all that, but I can’t see this ending well.

Aw man. Too damn good. I could watch these all day, and I just did.

BUFFALO, Minn. – A teenager taking her driver’s test crashed through the driver’s examination station before she even got on the road. The Star Tribune reported that the 17-year-old crashed a 2014 Chevy Equinox into the building Wednesday afternoon in Buffalo, Minnesota. The driver was not hurt, but a 60-year-old woman working as the license examiner sustained non-critical injuries and the vehicle was significantly damaged. It happened after the teenager put the Equinox in drive instead of reverse at the start of the test, according to the paper.

Man, talking about burying the lead, huh? And by burying I mean not even mentioning it. What I mean is, did she pass the damn test? Come on, one little screw-up shouldn’t determine whether you can drive or not. Hell, she hadn’t even hit the highway yet, just the, you know, building. Common driving error. And she had a 50% chance of picking the wrong direction anyway. Well, 33% if you count park. D, R, P, it’s easy to get them confused. And besides, look at that photo. She barely scratched the damn building. Give the kid a break, man.

PS- Can you imagine the woman inside when that 2014 Chevy Equinox came bursting through that wall? That had to be comedy gold.

And so it begins. Ski lifts murdering people left and right. Bodies flying everywhere. Next it’ll be escalators eating people alive and those moving sidewalks suddenly going 150 miles per hour and sending people into walls. I’m telling you there’s no stopping the machines once they’ve turned on us. It’s gonna be carnage. Pity the humans, man. Pity the humans.

Note: Be sure and watch both videos. They’re gold, Jerry. Gold.

So here we are. It’s 2018. Apparently everything has to be a big production now, amirite? I mean, we actually have something called Kindergarten Graduation. What, little Miles stayed within the lines when he colored that dragon? Aren’t you supposed to graduate kindergarten? Has anyone ever failed kindergarten? Yet we have a graduation? Why? And what are kindergartners graduating into? First grade?

Anyway, back in my day we had one graduation – when we graduated high school.

And I know, I sound like one of those “get off my lawn” guys lamenting about the good old days. To that I say deal with it, it’s my website. And hey, you are reading this, so there’s that.

But back to the point that everything has to be a big production nowadays, and how it differs from when I was in school. Let’s do this . . .

Today, there’s such a thing as a “promposal.” I’m being serious here, it’s a real thing. Let’s say a dude wants to ask a girl to the prom. Keep in mind it doesn’t have to be somebody he’s never dated, it can be his girlfriend of 7-years. Doesn’t matter. He still has to come up with a promposal to ask his girl to the prom, and it has to be spectacular, like a unicorn showing up with the invitation taped to its horn. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you do see a lot of stuff like this:

Please. You know how I asked Tonya Primer to the prom when I was in high school? Honestly I can’t remember but I’m guessing it happened when we were watching The Towering Inferno or something at The Fiesta drive-in theater:

“Hey, the prom is in a few weeks. You wanna go?”

“Sure. Hand me a slice of pizza.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my promposal, circa 1974.

Note: Kids also do this for Homecoming, the Christmas Dance and when going to Krispy Kreme for some Apple Fritters. OK, maybe I made that last part up.

And hey, what about the new “Gender Reveal Parties” that are all the rage? [Insert your own Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner joke here]. You can’t simply find out if your baby is a boy or a girl and tell your friends the next time you run into them, you have to throw a party and have the big reveal! Woot! It’s a boy! Or girl! Whatever. I actually read about one such party where the woman smashed a piñata and it exploded with pink confetti, revealing to all that the baby was a girl. I got chills typing that, except not really. Honestly, not only do I think these parties are dumb, I think that watching couples trying to out-cute each other with party ideas is the height of comedy. Seriously folks, not everyone is as excited as you are about every detail of your child’s life, let alone its pre-life. Just because it’s important to you doesn’t mean it’s important to everyone else. B-a-a-a-c-k it up a little.

Back when I was born I’m pretty sure I popped out, the doctor held me up, took a look, said, “Hey, it’s a boy!” and that was that. Mom then took me home, put me in a crib and went out to chop some wood or something. Hey, people were tougher back then.

Anyway, promposals and gender reveal parties? Not a fan.

PS- This is sort of hard to believe, but it wasn’t until the latter half of the 1980’s that women in the United States began routinely finding out the sex of their babies before birth. Seriously, I looked it up. That’s wild, man.

 

 

Remember these when you get upset about stubbing your toe today.

Yep. That’s snow.

A porcupine fell from a tree onto this dude’s head. Bad day indeed.

Note to self. Roll up car window when snowstorm is expected.

Croc needed to make a call.

Retreat. RETREAT!

Dumb. That is all.

Actual photo taken just before Ann Coulter was dropped on her head.

Uh-oh. Now what do we do?

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

God I hope this is real.

The Oregonian: A fisherman who jumped ship into bone-chilling water to dodge a speeding motorboat has filed a $372,500 lawsuit, alleging the other driver was distracted by his cellphone just before the dramatic crash caught on video. Bryan Maess filed the suit earlier this month against Marlin Lee Larsen, 75, over the Aug. 12 crash near the mouth of the Columbia River and the Pacific Ocean. Larsen told investigators he couldn’t see where he was driving since he was sitting down. Larsen, who uses a motorized scooter on land, admitted that he probably should’ve been standing at the time, according to a sheriff’s report obtained by the Oregonian.

Listen, I’m not a boat skipper or anything but I’d think “watching where you are going” would be right below “not letting the boat sink” in the list of boating rules. Seriously though, that was a close one, amirite? Dudes hopped off in the nick of time. One of the guys said everyone was OK, “just a little shaken up.” Gee, ya think? Bottom line, I’m pretty sure Marlin Lee Larsen is going to have to shell out some coin for this little mishap.

PS- I’m no lawyer, but does it really matter if he was on his cell phone or not? He ran over a boat, destroyed it, and nearly murdered 3-people. End of case.

So former NBA player Kenyon Martin went to Twitter to make fun of Jeremy Lin’s dreadlocks, accusing him of cultural appropriation and “wanting to be black.” Lin’s response was kind, respectful, and intelligent. Check it out:

From Florida, of course:

A man says he was letting his dog outside in Florida when a large black bear attacked him.

Andrew Meunier tells local news outlets that he let his dog out of his home about 11 p.m. Tuesday and spotted the 4-foot bear standing next to him when he stepped outside. He said he struggled to get away and managed to get back through his front door. A 911 call revealed that Meunier suffered a minor facial laceration from the bear attack. He sought treatment at a local hospital and received 41 stitches.

“I’m just happy to be alive,” Meunier said. “It could’ve been a totally different story.”

Please. A 4-foot bear is large? People in Canada, Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho are laughing their asses off right now. Also some people in Ohio and this guy for sure. Hell, an 11-year old is 4-feet tall. Give me a break. Also Andrew Meunier, where was your dog when this happened? Did he run off like his owner? Sparky would’ve taken a 4-foot bear down in mere seconds. Just ask that coyote he tangled with a couple years ago. Floridians, man.

PS- That dude looks like Ben Roethlisberger after yesterday’s game with the Jaguars.

A few years ago I wrote a lukewarm widely acclaimed blog called 9 People I Hate at Rock Concerts. It included idiots like people who sing too loud, text during the show, bitch about the opening act, stuff like that. Do yourself a favor and read it. Well, recently another habit has reared it’s ugly head at concerts, and it is not pretty. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tablet Guy:

I’ve watched this 20-times.

Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. Kayla more giving rock solid proof that she and Roy aren’t anti-Semitic because of their attorneys is a Jew. This reminds me of morons that say things like this:

“I’m not racist. One of my friends is black.”

or . . .

“I’m not biased against fast food. I ate at a White Castle once.”

Or perhaps . . .

“I don’t hate ugly people. One of my friends is so ugly she sat in a sandbox and the cats tried to bury her.”

You get my drift. It’s a dumb, pointless argument that has zero merit. Of course, Mrs. Moore also said this awhile back as well regarding the good old days:

“I think it was great at the time when families were united — even though we had slavery. They cared for one another. People were strong in the families. Our families were strong. Our country had a direction.”

Ah, the good old days when America was great, even though we had that little slavery thing. Don’t we all long for that simpler, more racist time?

Good God.

Anyway, enjoy the video. On a related note, could Roy look any creepier?

Note: I cannot wait for the threats I receive after this one. As always I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

I weep for our future. And our present.

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