Regrets, I’ve Had a Few: Missing One of the Greatest Moments in Sports History

Hey, we all have regrets, right? Dumb things we’ve done that we wish we could do over? God knows I do. What follows is one of the dumbest decisions I ever made, not including relationship mistakes of course. If I included those this one would be knocked down to about #79. Anywho, I shall now take a deep breath and come clean . . .

Back in 1988 a friend of mine had a buddy who worked for CBS Sports. This guy got us tickets to the 1988 NBA All-Star Game in Chicago. We had passes for the dunk contest, the whole works. Well, by the time we checked into The Omni in Chicago that Saturday we were, uh, having a little too much fun. Later on we were in a bar near the stadium and were having such a good time that we decided, in our infinite wisdom, to stay there and skip the dunk contest. Hey, screw some dumb contest! We’re in Chicago! Plus they don’t have bars back home in Ohio, right?

Sigh.

Kids, I’m embarrassed as hell to report sad to report this would turn out to be the contest where Dominique Wilkins and some loser named Michael Jordan would have their legendary showdown. You know, the one where Jordan came in from the side, looking down on the basket, and nearly ripped the rim off? The one where Jordan jumped from the free throw line to win?

Yeah, that one. Personally I thought Wilkins won, but what the hell did I know? I was in a bar 3-blocks away barely paying attention. To put a cap on things, as we were walking into the stadium for the All-Star game the next day some guy offered us $300 for our tickets. Of course we promptly sold them. What can I say? We were idiots. But hey, it wasn’t like that game wasn’t memorable or anything.

I mean, Jordan only scored 40-points that night, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar became the all-time leading All-Star scorer in history, and the teams included, in addition to Jordan, Wilkins and Kareem, some losers by the names of Larry Bird, Kevin McHale, Patrick Ewing, Charles Barkley, Moses Malone, Isiah Thomas, Magic Johnson, Clyde Drexler, Karl Malone, Hakeem Olajuwon, and James Worthy.

Man, that paragraph actually hurt to type, let alone read.

Dumb decisions? I’d like to see you top that one.

Santa Falls Off Boat, Christmas Likely Cancelled

What is it with Santa Claus and boats, man? Dude just taking headers left and right off of them. And the incivility shown in that first video is downright Scroogey. God God men, it’s Kris Kringle that just broke his neck over there. Have some respect ya filthy animals.

PS- Seriously though, the kids on that beach have to be scarred for life. Tough day for Claus.

My Descent into Hell, or How I Survived Black Friday

Before I begin, let me give a quick heads-up to all my young male readers out there:

Women can be persuasive. They can be very convincing when they want something from you. They have special, secret ways that are apparently passed down from generation to generation, grandmothers to mothers to daughters. They cast spells. They are sorceresses and enchantresses of the highest order. Oh, and it also helps to not look them directly in the eye. So be forewarned, young men, and keep your guard up and your head on a swivel, lest you end up in a place such as I.

So  I let my girlfriend talk me into venturing out into the masses on Black Friday, just a quick in-and-out at The Walmart. Although apprehensive, I eventually agreed. Hey, I figured what the hell? What could it hurt? How bad could it be?

The answer, of course, is really really bad.

The first sign of trouble was the parking lot. It was full. After scoring a spot, however, we approached the main entrance. The second sign of trouble was the twenty-something male that ran past us screaming, “Don’t go in there man! DON’T GO IN THERE!”

And then, I felt it before I saw it. The panic and anxiety emanating from the store was palpable, actually oozing from the entrance.

As we walked into the store, I saw a scene that could only be described as total and utter chaos. Middle-aged women snarling and snapping at each other, grown men weeping, old men in obvious catatonic states, and frightened children in various stages of shock.

It was like a scene from a horror movie. Cries of anguish everywhere, people sweating, wild-eyed shoppers attempting to grab that hot deal on the last pair of Ladies Micro-Fleece Sleep Pants, which I presume are pajamas.

Immediately sensing impending doom, or at the very least being crushed by a 300-pound Vinton Countian bent on grabbing that last Barbie Dreamhouse, we made an executive decision. Let’s vamoose. Scram. Hightail it out of there. Run for our lives.

As we did, from the corner of my eye I saw a Walmart stocker stealthily crawling into the relative safety of a Nickelodeon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Storage Bin.

In aisle 11, women were having a 3-way Tug of War over a George Foreman 5-Serving Removable Plate Grill.

Over near the pharmacy, a lady in her upper 80’s dropped a much-younger counterpart with a vicious atomic elbow.

Although it can’t be confirmed, there were reports of a woman being beaten with a Magic Bullet Express Blender over in Home Appliances.

It was a scene these eyes shall never forget, because well, some things simply cannot be unseen. The degradation, the greed, the overindulgence, the . . . smell.

It was too much for me.

As I staggered out into the light and breathed in the fresh air, I could only count my blessings that I’d survived the mayhem that was Black Friday.

Imprinted upon my brain is a vision of a young father I’d seen as I was making my escape. Our eyes met, albeit ever so briefly, and they haunt me still. I believe I saw his hand reach out to me, but alas, I could not turn back.

I wonder still if he made it out alive, or if he’s still in there, with his wife, searching for that hard to find Fisher-Price Superstar Step ‘N Play Piano for his 2-year old.

I guess I’ll never know.

The Shortest Taxi Ride

Note: I refuse to use names, locations and dates in this story. In the best interest of all parties I won’t do it. Seriously, I can’t. I respect those involved too much and if I did some of you guys would figure it out. That said, if you message me privately I’ll spill my guts.

Many a year ago I was out on the town with a couple major college coaches and a some of their assistants, possibly somewhere on the east coast but maybe in the midwest, I ain’t tellin’. It had been decided we’d all go out for dinner and adult beverages after a game. Not always do opposing coaches and their staffs hang out after games, but it does happen occasionally as it did on this evening. We were in a big city so places would sometimes stay open beyond closing hours, especially for the coaches in question. Not for me of course, but for the famous guys.

Anyway, we ate at a nice Italian restaurant, had a drink or two, then decided to hit a few bars in the area as well. The guys I was with were pretty recognizable so folks were sending rounds over and it was starting to get a little wild. Hey, we weren’t driving so it was all good. This was before Uber so we were hailing taxis to get us around. As the night wore on some of the guys dropped out so it was just the two head coaches, an assistant and of course yours truly remaining. After a few more stops it was decided we’d better head back to our hotel, so we asked the bartender to call us a cab, which she did. We stood outside waiting, and pretty soon the cab pulled up. We all hopped in, and the following conversation took place:

“Where to fellas?”

“The Hilton.”

“Which Hilton?”

“Not sure. The one near the waterfront.”

“Are you positive? There are a couple others in town.”

‘Yep. It’s about a block from the water.”

“Oooookay, you got it.”

The guy then proceeded to drive about 30-feet, stopped, and said, “Here you go.”

Yep. We’d somehow circled back and had been in a bar right next to our hotel and didn’t even know it. The amazing thing is, the driver drove us the 30-feet before telling us.

It’s a classic story that still gets brought up to this day.

PS- And yes, the guy was tipped handsomely, not for the drive but for the balls to do what he did.

When April Fools’ Day Pranks Go Wrong

Oops.

Patient Cop 1, Drunk Guy 0

He gave you every chance to walk away, drunk guy.

BREAKING: Santa Crashes, Likely Dead

Well, hell. This sucks. Looks like Santa bought the farm yesterday. Just hit that tree full bore and crashed into the sand like a bag of dead elves. Kids in total shock, just aghast like you read about. And did you notice the first responder? A little dachshund. Then again, maybe he saw a fresh dinner, who knows. Anyway, sorry kids. Santa’s dead.

PS: That bag of dead elves line was one of my best ever. Bringing my A game today, baby. 

PPS: Love the one naughty kid laughing in the background.

Here’s the Single Dumbest Play in Football, Over and Over Again

Dumb. Also infuriating.

[click to watch on YouTube]

It Wouldn’t Be The 4th Of July Without The Bootleg Fireworks Video!

I’m posting this again because it deserves it. [WARNING: Explicit language]

 

In Honor of Father’s Day, Here Are Some Dad Fails!

Happy Father’s Day!

Here Are 23 Examples Of Horrible Human Beings

There should be a law that says people who work in customer service should be allowed to fight one customer per year. Click, scroll, be annoyed.

Here Are 20 Thought Provoking Photos For Your Perusal

Sure to elicit conversation and possible outrage. Enjoy.

[click and scroll]

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  Oh boy. Moving on now.

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  Oh, the irony.

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  Dummy hits mailbox, takes off, leaves plate.

• 

  This genius loaded up hus Hummer with cans of gas, then lit a cigarette.

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  Only two cars in sight and they hit each other.

• 

  I have so many questions . . .

• 

  Turns out you cannot do it.

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  They’re in line behind a parked car.

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  Driver was oblivious.

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  That’s wet cement, asshat.

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  No caption required.

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  Looks safe enough.

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  Moving trucks are for amatuers.

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  The brake and gas pedals can be confusing.

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  Need a wider lane.

• 

• 

  This one just pisses me off.

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  Ingenuity at its . . . something.

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  Chipped windshield alert.

Chinese Rocket Debris Expected Today, You Might Want To Keep Your Head On A Swivel

Officials are tracking a section of a Chinese rocket expected to plunge down to Earth as early as Saturday — but they aren’t sure where it will land.

“It’s too soon to know exactly where it’s going to come down,” Pentagon spokesperson John Kirby said in a briefing Wednesday.

The section is part of a rocket called Chinese Long March 5B, which launched a module of the country’s first permanent space station into orbit last week.

“We’re tracking it, we’re following it as closely as we can,” Kirby said. “It’s just a little too soon right now to know where it’s going to go or what, if anything, can be done about that.”MORE: SpaceX launches 4 astronauts to ISS on recycled rocket and capsule

The U.S. Space Command confirmed it was “aware of and tracking” the location of the rocket, but said “its exact entry point into the Earth’s atmosphere cannot be pinpointed until within hours of its reentry.” The Federal Aviation Administration said it’s “engaged” with NORAD “and will send out an advisory to any facilities that would be potentially affected.”

“Tactical decisions, if needed, will be made based on real-time information,” the FAA said.

Typically, rockets that plunge back to Earth are brought back in a controlled way into the ocean. One expert said it’s unclear why this rocket’s return to Earth is uncontrolled.

“I heard speculation that that they intended it to be controlled and something broke. Stuff goes wrong in space. Space is hard,” Ted Muelhaupt, principal director of Aerospace’s Center for Orbital Reentry and Debris Studies, said in an interview with ABC News.

“If something’s going to reenter and there’s a risk of more than one in 10,000, then it could cause injury to a person,” Muelhaupt said. “Then you take steps to mitigate that. And the most common way to do it is to control where the vehicle lands. Essentially, you bring the vehicle down where people are not.”

Well, I guess I’m glad they’re giving us a heads-up, huh? And they didn’t mention it in the article but this rocket booster weighs 21-tons. Listen, I’m no rocker scientist but that seems big enough to do a little damage. Might even put a little ding on your car hood if it hit it just right. Still, you can’t really blame anyone. After all, like Ted Muelhaupt, Principal Director of Aerospace’s Center for Orbital Reentry and Debris Studies said, something broke because stuff goes wrong in space. He also said it’s preferable to bring the vehicle down where people are not. Makes perfect sense to me. Anywho, might want to stay on high alert today, kids.

UPDATE: Well, that was disappointing. It crashed into the Indian Ocean. BOOOO! Boooring. Way to be a pansy Chinese Rocket.

The Seinfeld Apartment Couldn’t Have Existed And Life As I Know It Has Been A Lie

All those years and I never noticed. Many a scene showed people walking up a straight hallway and turning left into Jerry’s apartment. Kramer’s place was directly across the hall. I’m shaken.

• 

Here’s Your Top 100 Fails Of 2020!

Enjoy.

These Santa Fails Never Get Old

On a related note, people are idiots.

Man Adopts Pet Hippo, Is Mauled Accordingly

A man has been mauled to death by his pet hippo – who he previously described as “like a son to me”. Farmer Marius Els was found dead in a river after being repeatedly bitten by the huge animal, who weighs more than a ton. He died on Sunday after being mauled and dragged into the Vaal River close to his home by the six-year-old animal.

Marius and Humphrey in happer times.

Mr. Els, 40, previously said that Humphrey responded to his calls and would enjoy playing with him. “It’s a little bit dangerous, but I trust him with my heart that he will not harm anybody. He’s like a son to me. There’s a relationship between me and Humphrey and that’s what some people don’t understand. They think you can only have a relationship with dogs, cats and domestic animals. But I have a relationship with the most dangerous animal in Africa.” 

I believe had a relationship is the correct grammar here. I mean, what we have here is another case of a human thinking they can be buddies with a wild animal. That never ends well, man. I can just imagine Marius and Humphrey hangin’ out by the river, maybe playing fetch or rubbing noses. Then Humphrey remembers he’s the most dangerous animal in Africa and tears Marius limb from limb. Sad but inevitable ending to a lovely relationship. Perhaps Marius should have watched this video before he decided to treat Humphrey like a puppy.

PS- Wait, Snails? And surprising appearances by cows and pufferfish amirite? Yeesh.

Insane Boat Mishap Is A Must-See

I love so much about this video. I’ve watched it several times so I can focus on every individual on the boat when the shit hits the fan. The driver, just trying to be as badass as hell until he dropped like a bag of hammers, the girls in their bikinis as their sunglasses went flying into outer space, it’s all so good. Enjoy, kids. Enjoy.

[it may redirect you to TouTube but it’s worth it]

Aaaaand of course there’s a remix.

Idiot’s Gender Reveal Party Causes Massive California Wildfire

A massive wildfire burning in California was started during a gender-reveal party, officials said.
A “smoke-generating pyrotechnic device” used at the party sparked the El Dorado Fire in San Bernardino County, Cal Fire said in a statement.

The fire started Saturday at 10:23 a.m. PT at the El Dorado Ranch Park in Yucaipa and spread from the park north on to Yucaipa Ridge, according to the release.

The blaze has since grown to a staggering 8,600 acres plus as of Monday and it’s just 7% contained, according to sources from the San Bernardino National Forest.
Video from the party showed a couple with several children walking into the grass at the edge of the El Dorado Ranch Park in Yucaipa. Another person is seen in the video appearing to light the device. Soon after, the family can be seen on video scrambling and grabbing water bottles as the flames grow.

“It really is a tragedy, it’s sad. They were hoping to remember the day in a different way,” said CalFire investigator Capt. Bennet Milloy, adding that over 80% of fires are caused by humans and that people need to be more aware of their surroundings. “You need to be extra cautious because you could be liable.”

Good God man, can we stop it with these attention-getting-look-at-us celebrations for every little event we experience in our lives? Gender reveals, prom invitations, “HoCo” invitations, kindergarten graduations, everything has to be a damn production with smoke and fire and confetti and dry ice and God knows what else. I’m pretty sure most people didn’t know my mother was pregnant with me until she told them privately and I damn sure know they would’ve been afraid to ask before that. Now look at these idiots out in Cali, making a big to-do out of their baby’s gender and burning down the state. What was supposed to be a celebration of your baby’s gender has gone horribly wrong due to your thirst for social media attention. Now? Little Aldrich or Margaux will look back when they’re older and see that mommy and daddy were responsible for the destruction of 8,600 acres ( and growing) of land, animals and God knows what else, all because they wanted some hits on the Facebook.

Gender reveal parties, man. Get that crap out of here.

PS- Not sure if I should be the guy making fun of people searching for social media attention but whatever.

Here’s Your Questionable Product of the Day

Listen, I’m no expert but hiding your loot in something that has a good chance of ending up in the fireplace seems like a bad idea to me.

Looking For The Worst Draft Pick Ever? I Have Your Guy.

Oh, there have been plenty of bad draft picks in professional sports over the years. Kwame Brown, Tony Mandarich, JaMarcus Russell, the list is a long one. That said, the Green Bay Packers may have a candidate that beats them all. Back in 1974 they drafted wide receiver Randy Woodfield out of Portland State University. It’s not that they took a gamble or anything, he was only the 428th pick in the draft. In fact, he only played in one exhibition game and was cut after several incidents of flashing people. Not a good sign, but things were about to get worse.

Woodfield was arrested in 1975 on robbery and sexual assault charges and sentenced to 10-years in prison. He blamed his behavior on the use of steroids he took while playing football. He was released in 1979, and this is when it got really ugly. In 1980 he started killing women he abducted along the I-5 Corridor in Washington, Oregon and California. I’ll spare you the grisly details. He was convicted of 9 murders in 1981 and sentenced to 90-years in prison. He is suspected to have committed up to 44 murders and was eventually sentenced to life in prison plus 90-years, whatever the hell that means.

So yeah, the Green Bay Packers drafted the I-5 Killer.

PS- As a Bengals fan this gives me some ammo. The next time someone makes fun of our draft history I can say, “Hey, at least we’ve never drafted a serial killer.”

[click to see the whole pics]

Lesson of the Day: How Not To Approach a Police Officer

Man, this dude is lucky he didn’t get shot straight away. The way he leaped out of his vehicle and pointed I thought for a second he had a gun. After getting away with that he proceeds to aggressively approach the cop, resulting in a good old fashioned tazing. On a related note, that really looked like it hurt.

Anyhoo, take note. When pulled over stay in your damn car.

Man Attempts Canal Jump, Comes Up A Little Short

Man, I could tell this guy was in trouble the moment I saw him walking towards the canal. Unathletic like you read about. And that attempt? Just a prime example of the importance of follow-through and how last minute second thoughts can lead to personal ruin. If not for that hesitation stagger perhaps he could have made it, but alas, it was not to be. Sad really.

PS- That bone-jarring jaw to the wall was devastating. Dude has to be dead.

More Evidence That People Are Getting Dumber

Hey, those wireless speakers must need antennas, right?

Another Case of Mistaken Identity

You all know about my problems with mistaken identities, right? My Incident at the Mall? Perhaps my Pain at the Pump encounter? And sometimes it’s not even mistaken identity with me. Sometimes I plain don’t recognize someone, as with the time I found myself Getting Lost Down Memory Lane.

Embarrasing, man.

W-e-l-l-l-l-l, today it happened again.

You see, I was pulling into the local gas station to grab some munchies and a pop before I took the pups for a run down at the soccer fields. As I parked, I noticed a former student (and now friend) sitting in her van beside me staring intently at her cell phone. Just to have a little fun I hopped out of my car, snuck around to her side of the van, got about an inch from the window, slapped it really hard and yelled, “GET OFF YOUR PHONE!”

Let me tell you, the look of horror on this complete stranger’s face was a sight to behold. ‘Twas a face contorted, wild-eyed, and as petrified as if she’d seen Lucifer himself.

Oh, and the noise she made? It sounded like someone had stepped on the tail of a Peruvian Spider Monkey.

Did I mention her cell phone landed somewhere on the opposite side of the van?

At that point all I could do was back away with my hands up, yammering stupidly that I mistook her for someone else, then speedwalk into the gas station hoping she didn’t pursue me with evil intentions.

It’s a miracle I haven’t been murdered by now.

PS- The person in question, Tasha Parks, was in tears when I told her this story. Glad someone thought it was funny.