Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

Listen, everyone knows I’m a bit of a fashion maven. After all, I’m the guy who gave the world acclaimed blogs like Time for the Latest Shoe: Untied Fashion Review, and The Thom Browne Fashion Show: A Shoe: Untied Review, both of which were critical and commercial successes in the fashion world. Hell, just type “fashion’ into the search box over there and you’ll find fashion blogs on Russell Westbrook, Kanye West, the NBA, the 70s, the Grammy Awards, the NRA, hell, even Michael Jordan. Bottom line you’re talking to an expert here. Anyway, this all brings us to something J-Lo sported at the MTV offices the other day, which are basically jeans in the form of boots. Yep, I’m talking belts and pockets and everything, the whole package. I don’t see zippers but you never know, they might be on there somewhere. Bottom line, this opens up a whole new arena in the boot game. Dress pants boots, cargo shorts boots, pajama pants boots, parachute pants boots, the list is endless really. Check ’em out because they’re sure to be all the rage on the streets of your town soon.

PS- Seriously, it looks as if her pants are falling off, right? Good Lord man. I guess it’s easier taking a dump when your pants are your boots?

PPS- Maybe we know what J-Lo stands for now?

PPPS- The Joots are a Donatella Versace creation. Brother Gianni would be so proud.

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There are so many things about this video to like I don’t know where to start. It’s too perfect. The guy’s wife pays a man to kill him for two grand, he thinks that price is way too low, he’s a used car salesman because of course he is, that hair, that beard, he’s sweating like hell, the video is just perfect. Seriously, this guy is not upset his wife tried to have him murdered, he’s upset she didn’t take it seriously enough. “You get what you pay for.” That’s comedy gold.

Narrowed down from about 50. Did you own any of these? Chances are you did not.  Anywho, feel free to bask in other people’s catastrophic failures . . .

[run your mouse over the photo to read the witty captions]

So the Dominican newspaper El Naciona published this article the other day, with one small error – the photo that’s supposed to be Donald Trump is actually Alec Baldwin’s character on Saturday Night Live.

And the hilarity continues.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a blog whose time has come. It has to be done. Our future, and may I say the fate of humanity, depends on it. What am I talking about, you ask?

The death of grammar. Or rather, the DEATH OF GRAMMAR.

I don’t know, that just seemed to warrant all caps. It’s that important, man. What you’re about to read are a few basic, simple guidelines to using correct grammar. I shall focus on the rules that seem to be broken most often. Let us begin . . .

You’re vs. Your

You’re means “you are.” So, when you say, “You’re sweater is cute” you are incorrect. The correct usage would be “You’re not going to eat those cheese doodles are you? Your means that something belongs to you. So don’t say, “Hey, your welcome to some of my cheese doodles.” That would be incorrect. Instead you would use it as such: “Your cheese doodles look delicious.” See? This is easy. Stay with me kids.

They’re vs. Their vs. There

They’re means “they are” as in “Have you tried my cheese doodles? They’re really good.” Their, however, means it belongs to them, as in “The Dungworth’s keep their cheese doodles in the pantry.” Incorrect usage would be something along the lines of, “I love cheese doodles. Their delicious.” Don’t do that. Want to know about there? OK. There refers to a place, an example being, “My cheese doodles are in my top drawer. Don’t go there.” Please tell me you’re taking notes.

We’re vs. Were

We’re means “we are” and should be used like this: “We’re all having cheese doodles for lunch!” Were, however, is the past tense of are, as in “Wally and Mildred were dating for awhile, but Wally was addicted to cheese doodles. Now they are dating other people.” Get it?

Random thought. Should cheese doodles be capitalized?*

*It should not. I checked.

Then vs. Than

Listen carefully. Then is a point in time, as in “I went to a store to buy cheese doodles, then I went to another store to buy more cheese doodles.” Than, however, is a method of comparison, as in, “I know you love cheese doodles but I love them more than you do.” See? I was comparing our love of cheese doodles.

Two vs. To vs. Too

This is a really easy one. You see, two is simply a number. The number 2, as in “I bought two bags of cheese doodles but I should’ve bought three.” On the other hand, to indicates motion, as in “Hank Moffit is going to the cheese doodle store.” Too can mean either also or excessively, as in “Hey, I like cheese doodles too!” Or, “I love cheese doodles way too much.” Make sense? Good.

Set vs. Sit

The verb set requires an object, like let’s say, oh, a bag of cheese doodles. “Larry set the bag of cheese doodles on the table and his dog Norman took them.” On the other hand, sit doesn’t require a direct object, instead it’s something you do, like when you sit on a couch. Woot! Easy, man. You got this.

Lay vs. Lie

Lay requires an object. To lay is to set or place something in a resting position. Lie does not require an object. So, you lay a bag of cheese doodles on the counter, but you lie down on the couch. Get it? Good.

Note: Remember the Eric Clapton song “Lay Down Sally”? It should’ve been called “Lie Down Sally.” Also, the lyrics to Bob Dylan’s song “Lay Lady Lay” should actually be “Lie lady lie, lie across my big brass bed.” True story. It also gets confusing because lie can also mean a falsehood. It’s a mad world I tell ya.

Seen vs. Saw

This one seems to be common for some reason. Saw is the past tense of the verb see, and usually comes immediately after nouns and pronouns. Example: “Charlie saw a bag of cheese doodles.” On the other hand, the word seen can’t stand alone. It needs another verb like has or had to help it out, unlike saw. Check out this sentence: “Charlie has seen many cheese doodles, but none like the cheese doodles he saw today.” So to review, saw is usually used after nouns and pronouns, and seen is used with a buddy word like have, has, had, was, or were.

Whose vs. Who’s

This one is simple. Who’s is a contraction of who and is, as in “Who’s hungry for cheese doodles?” Whose is a possessive pronoun, and you use it when you’re asking or telling whom something belongs to. Example: “Whose cheese doodles are these?” So, who’s = who is and whose = Possessive of Who. Done dizzle.

Its vs. It’s

Again, simple. This one gets mixed-up because an apostrophe often indicates possession, but it’s is a contraction for it is. Its is a possessive pronoun and might be used like this: “The cheese doodle and its glorious golden hue were a sight to behold.” See? The cheese doodle possessed a golden hue, thus the use of the word its.

Lose vs. Loose

Another really simple one that there is no excuse for screwing up. You lose a bag of cheese doodles. Your cows get loose. Good Lord.

Good vs. Well

All you need to remember is that good modifies a person, place, or thing, and well modifies an action. If you’re having a good day, then your day is going well. Technically, “I’m good” or “You did good” is poor grammar. It should be “You did well.” I’ve actually heard grammar Nazis respond to that one with “How good are you?” Anyway, sorry everyone including me. I mess that one up all the time.

Using Apostrophes to Make Words Plural

I see this all the time as well. For some reason people seem to think that you should use an apostrophe to make a word plural. You do not. “My son Ethan won three trophy’s at the fair” is incorrect. Just add an S, man.

The Unnecessary “At”

Heard all over Southern Ohio and beyond: “Where you at?” You don’t need the “at” kids! Try “Where are you?” It will do just fine! Free your soul of the unnecessary at! You can do this!

Honestly, these mistakes probably bother me the most when I see educators do it. Come on, teachers. You’re better than that. Clean it up.

And hey, before you start correcting all the mistakes I’ve made in this blog please understand I know I’m far from perfect. I make plenty of mistakes too.

PS- Before you message me, I’m pretty sure I violated several uses of quotation marks during this blog. So sue me.

PPS- “So sue me” isn’t a complete sentence. I know this. I’m allowed to use something called Creative and Artistic License, man. Chill.

***BONUS BLOG ALERT***

It’s “I couldn’t care less.” “I could care less” means you probably do actually care.

“Literally” means it actually happened. If you say, “I literally shit my pants” you shit your pants.

“Affect” is a verb. “Effect” is a noun.

“Irregardless” is not a word. 

Thank you and goodnight.

I have a few observations. First off, stellar camera work here. Beautiful foreshadowing with the closeup of the gator. Secondly, who ziplines over a gator pit? Thirdly, WHO ZIPLINES OVER A GATOR PIT WHILE HOLDING A 3-YEAR OLD KID? Fourthly, I guarantee this was a case of a spoiled kid who demanded to go ziplining over gators and mommy and daddy allowed it because the kid runs the house. Fifthly, people are dumb.

Note: Sixthly, I’m awesome at making up words.

So Robert Williams achieved his life-long dream of being drafted into the NBA a couple weeks ago. Dude is about to sign a contract with the Celtics that will take care of his family for generations. He’ll be playing against the likes of LeBron James, Steph Curry and James Harden. So how is he handling it?

First, he overslept and missed his introductory conference call. Then, he overslept and missed his flight to Boston for the start of Summer League practice.

Sigh. Robert, Robert, Robert. Glad you’re taking this seriously, young man. Somewhere, Larry Bird weeps.


 

 

Let me get this straight. Man and woman attempt a burglary. Man attempts escape out the back. Man fails. Man gets cornered and considers throwing delicious fruit snacks at the po-po. Man gets taken down and shirt ripped off. Man gets tazed. Man recovers and makes an unsuccessful run for it. Man is arrested. Meanwhile, woman attempts escape out the back. Woman is unsuccessful. Woman attempts daring escape through the ceiling. Woman falls through ceiling. Woman is arrested.

Nice job, burglars.

People, man.

Well, maybe not killing now but it will eventually. Listen, I love basketball but you have to call this. You have to. What is the rationale for not? I don’t get it. MAKE THE CALL!

 


So a French family was visiting a wild animal park in Holland and thought it would be a swell idea to hop on out of their car with the kids, set up some lawn chairs and chillax with some 180-pound killing machines that have the ability to run 75 miles per hour. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong? Sadly, they made it back to their car before getting mauled to death.

PS – This video is proof that cursing in English and Dutch is exactly the same. Cool.

Why, oh why would somebody walk into a lion enclosure? And no, this wasn’t a disturbed individual. Reportedly this guy owned the animal park. If anyone deserved to be attacked it was this moron. And I can only hope the guy yelling for a gun was planning to use it on the human. This is all a part of natural selection, man. Weeding out the weak and stupid and whatnot. Good grief.

CBS Boston – Julia Hartwell loves her dolls, arts and crafts, and like most four-year-olds, she has a best friend. However, that’s not a term Julia can use at Pentucket Workshop Preschool in Georgetown. Her mother, Christine Hartwell, says, “The teacher told her she couldn’t say that in school.”

The Georgetown preschool offered an explanation to Julia’s parents, saying the term best friend “can lead other children to feel excluded” and it “can ultimately lead to the formation of “cliques” and “outsiders.” The preschool wrote, they “encourage children to have a broader group of friends, and foster inclusion at this particular age.”

Oh, for the love of God. Now the schools are telling our kids they can’t have “best friends.” Hey, I met my best friend Dave Allen in second grade and we remain best friends today. Sure, he’s a highfalutin (that’s how you spell it, I looked it up so shut it) doctor in the big city who only sees me at his convenience, but still.*

My point is, who in the hell can tell us who our friends are? Answer: Nobody. If you have no friends you need to take a look in the mirror, amirite? Newsflash: Everyone is not popular in preschool. Some are better at coloring, others are really good at somersaults or counting or drawing circles and stuff. Figure it out, man. Carve out your niche. Learn how to make friends without your damn school’s help. Sad really. Get it together, America!

*Just kidding, J.R.

Tom Brady “still has not committed to playing in 2018,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported Wednesday morning, citing sources. The Patriots quarterback still is expected to return, according to Schefter, but hasn’t given “official word” that he’ll be back. Brady wants to continue playing football past 40 years old, but “there are people around him who would rather see him retire,” sources told Schefter. Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, reportedly has been among those who would like to see Brady walk away.

Hold the presses! Hold the presses! Breaking neeeeeews! Tom Brady may retire! Or not. He may play. We don’t know. But he might not play! But he might. Good God almighty. This is news? On a related note, you could say this about 200 other NFL players. I’m getting a headache.

Where’s an 18-wheeler when you need one?

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.

Dude, did you read the book? That’s exactly the point author Mary Shelley was making. Good grief.

I mean, I’m all about trying to make something work, giving it your best shot and all that, but I can’t see this ending well.

Aw man. Too damn good. I could watch these all day, and I just did.

BUFFALO, Minn. – A teenager taking her driver’s test crashed through the driver’s examination station before she even got on the road. The Star Tribune reported that the 17-year-old crashed a 2014 Chevy Equinox into the building Wednesday afternoon in Buffalo, Minnesota. The driver was not hurt, but a 60-year-old woman working as the license examiner sustained non-critical injuries and the vehicle was significantly damaged. It happened after the teenager put the Equinox in drive instead of reverse at the start of the test, according to the paper.

Man, talking about burying the lead, huh? And by burying I mean not even mentioning it. What I mean is, did she pass the damn test? Come on, one little screw-up shouldn’t determine whether you can drive or not. Hell, she hadn’t even hit the highway yet, just the, you know, building. Common driving error. And she had a 50% chance of picking the wrong direction anyway. Well, 33% if you count park. D, R, P, it’s easy to get them confused. And besides, look at that photo. She barely scratched the damn building. Give the kid a break, man.

PS- Can you imagine the woman inside when that 2014 Chevy Equinox came bursting through that wall? That had to be comedy gold.

And so it begins. Ski lifts murdering people left and right. Bodies flying everywhere. Next it’ll be escalators eating people alive and those moving sidewalks suddenly going 150 miles per hour and sending people into walls. I’m telling you there’s no stopping the machines once they’ve turned on us. It’s gonna be carnage. Pity the humans, man. Pity the humans.

Note: Be sure and watch both videos. They’re gold, Jerry. Gold.

So here we are. It’s 2018. Apparently everything has to be a big production now, amirite? I mean, we actually have something called Kindergarten Graduation. What, little Miles stayed within the lines when he colored that dragon? Aren’t you supposed to graduate kindergarten? Has anyone ever failed kindergarten? Yet we have a graduation? Why? And what are kindergartners graduating into? First grade?

Anyway, back in my day we had one graduation – when we graduated high school.

And I know, I sound like one of those “get off my lawn” guys lamenting about the good old days. To that I say deal with it, it’s my website. And hey, you are reading this, so there’s that.

But back to the point that everything has to be a big production nowadays, and how it differs from when I was in school. Let’s do this . . .

Today, there’s such a thing as a “promposal.” I’m being serious here, it’s a real thing. Let’s say a dude wants to ask a girl to the prom. Keep in mind it doesn’t have to be somebody he’s never dated, it can be his girlfriend of 7-years. Doesn’t matter. He still has to come up with a promposal to ask his girl to the prom, and it has to be spectacular, like a unicorn showing up with the invitation taped to its horn. OK, maybe I’m exaggerating a little, but you do see a lot of stuff like this:

Please. You know how I asked Tonya Primer to the prom when I was in high school? Honestly I can’t remember but I’m guessing it happened when we were watching The Towering Inferno or something at The Fiesta drive-in theater:

“Hey, the prom is in a few weeks. You wanna go?”

“Sure. Hand me a slice of pizza.”

And that, ladies and gentlemen, was my promposal, circa 1974.

Note: Kids also do this for Homecoming, the Christmas Dance and when going to Krispy Kreme for some Apple Fritters. OK, maybe I made that last part up.

And hey, what about the new “Gender Reveal Parties” that are all the rage? [Insert your own Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner joke here]. You can’t simply find out if your baby is a boy or a girl and tell your friends the next time you run into them, you have to throw a party and have the big reveal! Woot! It’s a boy! Or girl! Whatever. I actually read about one such party where the woman smashed a piñata and it exploded with pink confetti, revealing to all that the baby was a girl. I got chills typing that, except not really. Honestly, not only do I think these parties are dumb, I think that watching couples trying to out-cute each other with party ideas is the height of comedy. Seriously folks, not everyone is as excited as you are about every detail of your child’s life, let alone its pre-life. Just because it’s important to you doesn’t mean it’s important to everyone else. B-a-a-a-c-k it up a little.

Back when I was born I’m pretty sure I popped out, the doctor held me up, took a look, said, “Hey, it’s a boy!” and that was that. Mom then took me home, put me in a crib and went out to chop some wood or something. Hey, people were tougher back then.

Anyway, promposals and gender reveal parties? Not a fan.

PS- This is sort of hard to believe, but it wasn’t until the latter half of the 1980’s that women in the United States began routinely finding out the sex of their babies before birth. Seriously, I looked it up. That’s wild, man.

 

 

Remember these when you get upset about stubbing your toe today.

Yep. That’s snow.

A porcupine fell from a tree onto this dude’s head. Bad day indeed.

Note to self. Roll up car window when snowstorm is expected.

Croc needed to make a call.

Retreat. RETREAT!

Dumb. That is all.

Actual photo taken just before Ann Coulter was dropped on her head.

Uh-oh. Now what do we do?

Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.