Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

Well played, Kilroy’s. Well played indeed.

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Ouch.

Good. God.

Enjoy.

I actually attempted two websites before this one and neither really caught on. The first was called Hard Rock Times and was all about music. The second was called The Inside Handshake and stuck exclusively to sports. Then one day it hit me – why limit myself to one subject? Hell, I have opinions and observations on other stuff as well. Why not open it up to everything? Music, sports, politics, science, entertainment, nature, the list was endless. Thus was born Shoe: Untied, a play on my name along with the idea of sort of letting loose (actually a friend of mine came up with the title and I liked it). Anyway, as you know the site turned out to be a pretty eclectic one, and that’s the way my crack staff and I like it.

One thing I discovered early is that you can never, ever predict what people will like. Sometimes I write something I think is great and get very little response. Other times I write something that I feel is sort of trivial and it just blows up (see drunk pig blog below). Like the title says, it defies explanation.

With that said, here is our annual year-end report and Top 25 Most Popular Blogs for 2018. We’ll start with #1 and work our way down. Just click on the title if you want to take a gander.

Australian Pig Steals 18-Beers From Campers, Gets Drunk, Fights Cow

Yes ladies and gentlemen, a short little article I posted along with my observations back in 2014 got over 500,000 views this past year. For you non-mathematicians, that’s over half a million people. Seriously man, it was about a drunk pig. See, a radio station out in Seattle happened upon my site, liked the post, and put a link to that story on its website. Then the Aussies got hold of it and the rest is history.

UPDATE: Drunk Australian Pig That Started Fight With Cow Killed In Car Accident

Aaaand of course the throngs of people who loved the drunken swine story were interested in the tragic update. On a related note, Australians and I have the same exact sense of humor.

My Side of the Story

Nearly 400,000 people from all over the world heard my side of the story, and I’m glad they did.

Sis

I thought losing a basketball job was a tragic experience. I soon learned that, on life’s grand scale, it wasn’t.

My Dad and I

My memories of my father, who we lost just 53-days after my sister.

“Things Most White People Say” List Is Hilarious, Also 100% Correct

Basically just a repost of some funny tweets I’d run across. Good stuff and people liked it.

Incredible Photo of the Day: Gator Catch!

This was another post that the Australians inexplicably enjoyed. A large percentage of its views came from the Land Down Under.

So How Many People Did The Rifleman Actually Kill?

I love the old TV show The Rifleman, so one day I decided to research just how many people Lucas McCain actually killed. The answer? 120. Ol’ Luke murdered 120 people. But hey, they all deserved it so it’s cool.

Scioto Valley Conference Boys Basketball Preview & Predictions

A preview I wrote regarding our local basketball conference. I must say it’s turning out the way I predicted. So far.

The 2017 Ugly Dog Contest Was An Absolute Joke

My critique of the Ugly Dog Contest and its beautiful winner, Martha.

Cool Beans! Words and Phrases That Need To Make A Comeback

Another story I published a couple years that seems to never go away. Just a simple blog about words.

An American Hero: Ruby Bridges

My story about Ruby Bridges, the little 6-year old African-American who integrated an all-white elementary school in New Orleans on November 14, 1960.

Map of the Day: World Rat Distribution

The most fascinating aspect of this map is that Alberta, Canada is rat free, and it’s not by accident.

Regarding Beach Midgets

Just an offbeat, original little story that people seemed to find hilarious.

15 Reasons I Hate LeBron James (Or Used To)

I wrote this after LeBron left Cleveland with his ridiculous television show, “The Decision”. I really did hate the guy for a few years, but he won me back with his letter admitting he’d made a mistake with the way he left, then returning to Cleveland and ultimately bringing them a championship.

Celebrity Mugshots: My Top 10

Another old post that saw a resurgence of sorts in 2018. I’ve no idea why.

Meet Australian Cow Knickers, the Biggest Damn Cow You’ll Ever See

Again, Australians, man.

If You Haven’t heard of August Landmesser It’s a Damn Shame

I’m truly glad people liked this one, and I’m glad I got to spread the word about August Landmesser.

Paint Valley Basketball Records

This is a page I maintain that’s linked to Shoe: Untied. It gets a lot of hits.

Brad Kerns and Parenting the Way It Should Be

A telling story about one of my basketball parents and also one of the best friends I ever had.

The Many Worlds Theory is Wildly Fascinating

A pretty good example of what an eclectic website Shoe: Untied really is.

Map of the Day: USA IQ Test Scores by State

I had a lot I wanted to say here politically bit I couldn’t pull the trigger.

Man Killed Trying to Bring Christianity to Remote Island Tribe

A recent story that was quite controversial. Seems not everyone agreed with my views.

Another Drunk Animal Causes Havoc, and This Time It’s a Sozzled Squirrel.

Who knew drunk animal stories would be so wildly popular? Not I.

Don’t Think Animals Are Scary Smart? Read On.

There’s a certain segment of people who visit my site that can’t get enough of the animal stuff. They just eat it up. Animals, man.

So there ya go. All in all it was the biggest year ever for Shoe: Untied, and I thank the people who visit because you’re obviously as nuts as I am.

Happy New Year everyone.

 

So a damn thief stole a package off someone’s porch, and it turns out he picked the wrong house. This is because the someone was an engineer that happens to work for NASA and rigged the box in an epic manner. Dude put a glitter bomb and fart spray in that sucker, set to go off upon opening. Oh, and he had a hidden camera installed as well, so we can see the madness in all its glory. Trust me, it’s worth a look.

Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

Just an awful blow to the head. Hope he’s OK.

Sigh . . .

Local radio stations across the country have officially started to air their Christmas playlists as the holiday quickly approaches. But when it comes to Cleveland’s Star 102’s festive lineup, one classic won’t be heard.

“Baby It’s Cold Outside” may have been a fan favorite in the past. However, after one listener called in to flag the song’s lyrics, the station’s emcees realized that there may not be a place for the “manipulative” connotations of the song in 2018.

Written in 1944, the song’s lyrics detail an interaction between a man and woman, when the woman expresses her desire to leave his house, and he lures her to stay:

“My mother will start to worry (Beautiful what’s your hurry?)
My father will be pacing the floor (Listen to the fireplace roar)
So really I’d better scurry (Beautiful, please don’t hurry)
Well maybe just a half a drink more (Put some records on while I pour).”

“We used to play the song “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” but the executives told us it’s no longer appropriate,” employee Glenn Anderson wrote on the station’s site.

Aaaand so it begins. First “Baby It’s Cold Outside”, and next they’ll come after “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” because it’s about adultery (yes, I know Santa was actually the father but you get the point). Seriously, I understand the Me Too Movement and its importance. I realize certain attitudes need changing, but isn’t this going a little too far? We’re talking about a Christmas song from another time. It was written in 1944 after all, and music reflects the time in which it was written. And have any of these people listened to rap lyrics? Hell, John Lennon sang about killing his girlfriend if she left him in 1964. Don’t believe me? Check it:

Well, I’d rather see you dead, little girl
Than to be with another man
You better keep your head, little girl
Or you won’t know where I am
You better run for your life if you can, little girl
Hide your head in the sand, little girl
Catch you with another man
That’s the end, little girl.

But hey, Lennon never killed anyone as far as we know. But this is not a new story where music is concerned. Remember back in the 80s when some kid committed suicide and his parents blamed an Ozzy Osborne song? You know, because it had nothing to do with the fact they were inattentive, lousy parents. Yeesh.

Anyway, lighten up people. It’s a song.

PS- Anyone under 25 won’t be listening to this song or give a damn anyway.

 

See what I did there?

Washington Post: A Texas mother is calling out a Southwest Airlines employee who she said mocked her 5-year-old daughter’s name and then posted a picture of the small child’s boarding pass on social media.
Traci Redford told ABC affiliate KABC her daughter’s name is Abcde, which is pronounced “ab-si-dee.”

Redford said the incident occurred when she and her daughter were preparing to board a flight from Santa Ana, Calif., home to El Paso, Tex. Redford told the station that a gate agent at California’s John Wayne Airport saw Abcde’s name and started pointing, laughing and talking to other employees about Redford and her child.

Southwest Airlines has since apologized, saying that the social media post is “not indicative of the care, respect, and civility” that the airline requires from its employees.

Here’s the deal. If you name your kid Abcde you should not only expect her to be mocked, you should expect her to be belittled, razzed, teased, disparaged, scorned, roasted, bad-mouthed and pooh-poohed. What are you going to name your next kid, Fghijk? Then Lmnopq? The mind reels, man.

PS- Seriously, why do people try so hard to come up with unique names for their kids? Every time little Blayde or Hayzil or Aliviyah gives someone their name at a bank or hotel they’re going to have to spell it out for the rest of their lives. Little Max, Sam or Hank? Not so much. Time saved, baby.

PPS- Turns out Abcde is not that unique. A little Googling reveals that an Abcde Zoller plays soccer for the University of Hawaii at Hilo, and an Abcde de Coito teaches Zumba classes in the Aloha state. The site NameCandy also suggests the name may also be relatively common in New Mexico and among Latino families. Huh. Who knew?

Yeah, so this happened. Remember kids, when tandem hang gliding always attach your passenger. That’s Team Hang Gliding 101, really. On a related note, that’s absolutely and utterly horrifying.

PS- The pilot has to be fired, right? Or if he owns the business nobody will ever fly with him again, correct? That’s like a bungee operator not attaching you to the damn bungee. Inexcusable mistake, bro. You’re out.

New Delhi: American John Chau was intent on bringing Christianity to the Sentinelese, a remote tribe living on an island off the coast of India. His initial contacts with the tribe, hunter-gatherers who reject contact with the outside world, had not gone well. One teenager shot an arrow at him, piercing his waterproof bible. Yet Chau decided to return to the island and try again, galvanized by the feeling he was God’s instrument.

“Lord, is this island Satan’s last stronghold where none have had the chance to hear your name?” he wrote in his diary.

Chau knew his mission was illegal. He wrote of his intention and plan to local avoid authorities. “God himself is watching and hiding us from the Coast Guard and many patrols” he wrote. Critics say his brazen violation of Indian law was selfish and put the fragile tribe at risk, exposing them to modern diseases for which they have no immunity.

The morning after Chau’s final trip to the island’s shores, fisherman who had taken him there saw his body being dragged and buried in the sand. He was likely killed by the Sentinelese usual method of weaponry – bows and arrows.

Listen, I don’t have a whole lot of sympathy for folks who put themselves in situations like this – the guy who was arrested in North Korea, the couple who were hiking in Pakistan and wandered into Iran and were arrested – I mean, if you’re crazy enough to go into Third World Countries for your own selfish reasons you get what’s coming to you. However, this John Chau takes the cake. I mean, spreading the gospel is great and all, but doing it whilst breaking the law and at the risk of exposing a whole island of people to diseases from which they have no immunity doesn’t sound real Christiany, know what I’m sayin’?

PS- I’m not 100% certain how God felt about this guy after all. I mean, was “God’s Instrument” John Chau or the Sentinelese arrows?

PPS- Seems like an arrow through your waterproof bible might have been a warning signal, but maybe that’s just me. 

So apparently this was caused by a cable that was snapped by the truck driving by. Weird as hell. The girl was hospitalized but lived. I’ve watched it several times and can’t figure out exactly what happened. Thoughts?

Oops.

These are the young men of Baraboo High School in Wisconsin. They are posing on the steps of the county court house before their prom last Spring. And yes, most of them are giving the Nazi salute. How, I ask you, has blatant racism become so acceptable for some people in 2018? How could anyone think this is OK? Hell, by the looks on their faces they seem to find themselves hilarious. I ask you, who has enabled racists to become so damn brazen?

Click to see the faces of bigots up close.

PS- It’s Trump. The person I’m talking about is Trump.

TUSCUMBIA — Police say warrants are expected to be issued today for a Birmingham man who fell through the ceiling of a Tuscumbia restaurant Sunday during a botched burglary.

Detective Sgt. Wes Holland said police are searching for Wesley Glenn Bost, 27, who fell through the ceiling of Waffle House on U.S. 72.
He said the warrants are for first-degree criminal mischief and burglary.

“He was trying to break into the office of the restaurant by going through the ceiling of the bathroom,” Police Chief Tony Logan said. “Apparently, he made a wrong step and he fell into the dining area.” Logan said the man had used his pants to tie up the door of the bathroom to keep anyone from coming in. Logan said it is believed Bost was on drugs when he fell into the dining area with nothing but his underwear on. “Some of the people inside tried to grab him when he fell into the dining room but he escaped.”

Exciting night at the Waffle House, huh? One minute you’re sitting there enjoying dinner and the next a pantsless man plummets through the ceiling into your Chocolate Chip Waffle. That blows, man. And what the hell, Wesley Glenn Bost, they don’t have locks on the bathroom doors in Tuscumbia, Alabama?

PS- How do you tie a door shut with your pants? Anybody?

PPS- I tried to work a “he escaped by the seat of his pants” in there but I couldn’t figure it out.

PPPS- While my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied was researching this article they found that the Tuscumbia town slogan is “Charm of the Shoals.” I like it.

PPPPS- I swear to God it took me 10-minutes to figure out which was correct, “pantsless” or “pantless.” FYI: Turns out both are acceptable.

PPPPPS- This gives me an excuse to run this classic:

 

 

If this doesn’t make you laugh you are a heartless, empty-souled sub-species of a humanoid who lacks emotions of any kind. That’s science.

CTV News: A study published this month in the Journal of Family Medicine and Primary Care said 259 people had died taking selfies between October 2011 and November 2017.

The report, based on findings from researchers who scoured worldwide media reports, said the main causes of selfie deaths were drowning, usually involving people being washed away by waves or falling from a boat, followed by people killed while posing in front of a moving train, deaths involving falls from high places or while taking pictures with dangerous animals.

Listen, I think I’m a pretty compassionate person, I really do. That said, it’s hard to feel badly for anyone who dies while being swept away by the ocean, falling off a cruise ship, getting hit by a train, falling off a cliff or getting mauled by a wild animal, all while attempting a cool selfie to post on social media. I’m sorry but that’s funny stuff right there:

“Hey Edna! Get over here! Let’s get a selfie with this crocodile! It’ll be great!”

And seriously, getting hit by a train while posing with your iPhone is classic. It’s really nature weeding out the weak, you know? Natural selection in action, man.

Hey, it’s Monday. Tough day for all of us. Some of us may have gone a little hard whilst watching football yesterday, who knows? Long week ahead and whatnot. But guess what? At least you weren’t standing on a sidewalk when a gaping chasm of death suddenly opened up below you, sucking you into a murky hellhole of concrete, dust and steel rebar. I’m pretty sure I caught a glimpse of the Angel of Darkness amidst that dust. Chills, dude.

Listen, I couldn’t name one damn Bieber song. Sure, I’ll give anyone a try but the first time I heard him I was out a few bars in. Not my cup of tea. And hey, I know the guy is a tool who wears sunglasses indoors and is about as self-aware as a clam.  Still, I kept my hate at bay until today. Why, you ask? Because today these eyes gazed upon a sight that was so horrific, so outrageous, so abominable and so unforgivable that he can never, ever be forgiven.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, Justin Bieber eats his burritos sideways.

[UPDATE: That’s not Bieber]

PS- Maybe it’s a Canadian thing?

PPS- I’ve offended many a group on this website. Nazis, racists, Duke fans, LeBron James, bowler’s mothers, eclipse lovers, the list is a long one. Bring it on, Beliebers.

Rare.US.com: Winter is coming. Is your wardrobe ready? Sure you’ve got hats, gloves, scarves, jackets, and boots, but is that everything? Are you maybe forgetting another part of your body that you’ve neglected to keep warm? Obviously you’ve got your eye muffs too, because no one wants to go frost blind. But I’m talking about your nose, fool. The nose, as they say, is the exhaust vent to the soul. So protect it from the cold! Now you can with specialty nose warmers. You can find Aunt Marty’s Original Nose Warmers on Amazon and Etsy and, oh my. With a nose sporting one these you’ll certainly be the talk of the Hobby Lobby parking lot this winter.

[click to enlarge]

Listen, I try to keep an open mind. I really do. I try to keep up with the times. I listen to hip-hop, I make an attempt to have the newest technology, and I accidentally bought what I thought was a pair of shorts that may or may not have been manpris. I haven’t worn them yet but still. Yet when I take a gander at these nose warmers I have one thought – disgust. I’m sorry man, but that dude needs punched right in the nose warmer. What’s next, something to cover our ears to keep them warm? Our hands? Our feet? Wait. Never mind.

Full disclosure: If somebody knitted me a Sparkyhead nose warmer I’d sport that baby all over the place.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Soddy-Daisy High School’s athletic director Jared Hensley. Listen, I’m about as non-PC as they come, bit this guy is nuts. I was trying my best to believe the guy might be joking, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sound serious as hell. How in the world would he ever think this is OK to say in 2018? I mean, I’ve known some dumb administrators, but . . . never mind, just watch.

Listen, I love pizza. I also love candy corn. But do I love the idea of candy corn pizza? Hell no I don’t. Hey, I also love peanut butter and shrimp but I’ll be damned if I want them combined. That’s just wrong. man. Whoever invented this pizza is evil, has no soul and has the heart of a demon. Disgusting.

Nobody writes titles like me. You’re welcome.

“Back off boieee!”

A drunk man has been beaten up by a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys after breaking into a zoo trying to catch one.

John Owen Casford snuck through the gates at Wellington Zoo to snatch one of the monkeys, only to be discovered with a broken leg and other injuries the following morning, the New Zealand Herald reported. 

Wellington District Court judge Bill Hastings said: “His intention was to capture a monkey and bring it home to his girlfriend. His attempt was not successful.”

The altercation left the “high as a kite” young man with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises.

Listen, man. You can pick on rhinos, you can pick on lions, you can pick on silverback gorillas. But you know who you can’t pick on? Squirrel Monkeys, that’s who. Just ask John Owen Casford. Bro messed with a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys and ended up with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises. Squirrel Monkeys give less than a damn, man. Back the hell off.

PS- How romantic a move is it to try and steal your girl a Squirrel Monkey? I’m thinking it’s a very romantic move. Had John Owen Casford pulled this off he’d been set for life, man. Sad really.