Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

Remember these when you get upset about stubbing your toe today.

Yep. That’s snow.

A porcupine fell from a tree onto this dude’s head. Bad day indeed.

Note to self. Roll up car window when snowstorm is expected.

Croc needed to make a call.

Retreat. RETREAT!

Dumb. That is all.

Actual photo taken just before Ann Coulter was dropped on her head.

Uh-oh. Now what do we do?

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Gif reminded me of Jif and now I’m craving a peanut better sandwich. Damn it.

[click on the pic to scroll through the hilarity]

SPRING HILL, Fla. — 38-year old Douglas Jon Francisco of Tampa was arrested on Wednesday afternoon for DUI after he reportedly mistook a bank drive-thru for Taco Bell. According to the Hernando County Sheriff’s Office, the manager of Bank of America on Mariner Boulevard called to report an impaired driver after he found an unconscious man behind the wheel of a blue sedan in the bank’s drive-thru lane.

The manager told deputies that after beating on the car window for “some time,” he was able to wake up the driver. Upon waking up, the driver asked the bank manager for a burrito before driving away after being informed he was not at Taco Bell.

Listen, how can you be mad at Douglas Jon Francisco here? I mean really? Dude had a couple barley pops and confused his drive-thrus. Big deal. That could happen to anybody. Hell, I’ve known people to do it when they’re stone cold sober, man. Give this guy a break. Quick thought – what if it had been the other way around and he’d tried to withdraw money from a Taco Bell? Poor guy would’ve had robbery added to the DUI.

PS- True story. I was with one of my crazy-ass friends years ago and he got pulled over by a State Trooper. The cop walked up to the car, got out his little pen and pad, and my buddy said this without blinking an eye: “Hey, what’s up? Let’s see, I think I’ll have a cheeseburger with the works and a side of fries, and give me a large Coke too. Shoe, what do you want?” The cop never said a word, just went on with his usual routine as I sat cowering on the passenger side, waiting to be tased. On a related note, that friend is now a doctor.

PPS- Gotta give mad props to Douglas Jon Francisco for that mugshot. Hair is on point.

 

God I hope this is real.

The Oregonian: A fisherman who jumped ship into bone-chilling water to dodge a speeding motorboat has filed a $372,500 lawsuit, alleging the other driver was distracted by his cellphone just before the dramatic crash caught on video. Bryan Maess filed the suit earlier this month against Marlin Lee Larsen, 75, over the Aug. 12 crash near the mouth of the Columbia River and the Pacific Ocean. Larsen told investigators he couldn’t see where he was driving since he was sitting down. Larsen, who uses a motorized scooter on land, admitted that he probably should’ve been standing at the time, according to a sheriff’s report obtained by the Oregonian.

Listen, I’m not a boat skipper or anything but I’d think “watching where you are going” would be right below “not letting the boat sink” in the list of boating rules. Seriously though, that was a close one, amirite? Dudes hopped off in the nick of time. One of the guys said everyone was OK, “just a little shaken up.” Gee, ya think? Bottom line, I’m pretty sure Marlin Lee Larsen is going to have to shell out some coin for this little mishap.

PS- I’m no lawyer, but does it really matter if he was on his cell phone or not? He ran over a boat, destroyed it, and nearly murdered 3-people. End of case.

So former NBA player Kenyon Martin went to Twitter to make fun of Jeremy Lin’s dreadlocks, accusing him of cultural appropriation and “wanting to be black.” Lin’s response was kind, respectful, and intelligent. Check it out:

From Florida, of course:

A man says he was letting his dog outside in Florida when a large black bear attacked him.

Andrew Meunier tells local news outlets that he let his dog out of his home about 11 p.m. Tuesday and spotted the 4-foot bear standing next to him when he stepped outside. He said he struggled to get away and managed to get back through his front door. A 911 call revealed that Meunier suffered a minor facial laceration from the bear attack. He sought treatment at a local hospital and received 41 stitches.

“I’m just happy to be alive,” Meunier said. “It could’ve been a totally different story.”

Please. A 4-foot bear is large? People in Canada, Alaska, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho are laughing their asses off right now. Also some people in Ohio and this guy for sure. Hell, an 11-year old is 4-feet tall. Give me a break. Also Andrew Meunier, where was your dog when this happened? Did he run off like his owner? Sparky would’ve taken a 4-foot bear down in mere seconds. Just ask that coyote he tangled with a couple years ago. Floridians, man.

PS- That dude looks like Ben Roethlisberger after yesterday’s game with the Jaguars.

A few years ago I wrote a lukewarm widely acclaimed blog called 9 People I Hate at Rock Concerts. It included idiots like people who sing too loud, text during the show, bitch about the opening act, stuff like that. Do yourself a favor and read it. Well, recently another habit has reared it’s ugly head at concerts, and it is not pretty. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Tablet Guy:

I’ve watched this 20-times.

Seriously, you can’t make this stuff up. Kayla more giving rock solid proof that she and Roy aren’t anti-Semitic because of their attorneys is a Jew. This reminds me of morons that say things like this:

“I’m not racist. One of my friends is black.”

or . . .

“I’m not biased against fast food. I ate at a White Castle once.”

Or perhaps . . .

“I don’t hate ugly people. One of my friends is so ugly she sat in a sandbox and the cats tried to bury her.”

You get my drift. It’s a dumb, pointless argument that has zero merit. Of course, Mrs. Moore also said this awhile back as well regarding the good old days:

“I think it was great at the time when families were united — even though we had slavery. They cared for one another. People were strong in the families. Our families were strong. Our country had a direction.”

Ah, the good old days when America was great, even though we had that little slavery thing. Don’t we all long for that simpler, more racist time?

Good God.

Anyway, enjoy the video. On a related note, could Roy look any creepier?

Note: I cannot wait for the threats I receive after this one. As always I’ll keep you posted.

 

 

I weep for our future. And our present.

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Well, hell. This sucks. Looks like Santa bought the farm yesterday. Just hit that tree full bore and crashed into the sand like a bag of dead elves. Kids in total shock, just aghast like you read about. And did you notice the rescuer who tried to be a first responder? A little dachshund. Then again, maybe saw a fresh dinner, who knows. Anyway, sorry kids. Santa’s dead.

Note: That “bag of dead elves” line was one of my best ever. Bringing my A game today, baby. 

People can’t seem to understand that whatever faults social media may have, it will always expose the frauds of the world. Case in point, when somebody asked the Twitterverse to name a badder bitch than Taylor Swift, the People of Twitter did precisely that. There were literally hundreds of responses, but I shall only post my two favorites. Let’s begin with the original post, followed by the responses.

Ooh, tough one. Who could possibly be badder? Wait . . .

Boom. But there’s more . . .

Mmmm . . . K. Once again, the internet wins. Thank you and goodnight.

(DailyStar) — Sahar Tabar has undergone extreme plastic surgery in a bid to look like Angelina Jolie. The Iranian teenager is only 19, but has reportedly had 50 operations in a bid for fuller lips and defined cheek bones, according to Belgian website Sud Info. Sahar claims to be one of the actress’ biggest fans and says she “would do anything” to emulate the movie star.

Sahar Tabar would do anything? Really? That’s a shocking statement. Who would’ve thought it? Those photos give no indication of that at all. Anyway, had I not read the article I’d have thought that was Angelina Jolie. Dead ringer really, with the emphasis on the word “dead”. Just stellar work by the plastic surgeon.

Note to self: Never get plastic surgery in Iran.

So Paris Hilton went and tweeted this out a couple days ago . . .

Of course this wasn’t true and the worldwide interweb proceeded to make the necessary corrections. Enjoy . . .

[click the photo to enlarge]

Attaboy, internet.

Perfect in so many ways. The timing, the reaction of the camera people, everything. And poor Atlanta. First they blow a 28-3 lead against New England in the Super Bowl and now this. City just keeps getting hammered from all angles. Sad really.

PS- Who sets up a camera on the wrong side of the street? Come on Weather Channel. That’s just awful.

Ladies and gentlemen, few things make me happier than seeing a bullfighter gored by a bull. However, one of those things is seeing a bullfighter gored directly in the junk. Job well done bull. Well done indeed.

Listen, having my life threatened because of something I’ve written isn’t new. I’ve been threatened by angry clowns, Nazis, racist rednecks, a crazy lady stalker and even an angry mother of a high school bowler from Cincinnati. Still, this latest threat has me a little flummoxed. See, a few weeks ago I wrote a little something called Do you know a psychopath? which I thought was a fairly innocuous piece about, well, psychopaths. Anyway, a couple days later I received this little missive from some nutjob who has to be out of his gourd. I shall break it down as we go:

YOU, personally, really should weigh your words SERIOUSLY. I strongly advise you to delete this written defamation of a huge group of people who do not take slander and character assassination like this easily.

Well, I sort of assumed psychopaths would not take things lightly, so this part doesn’t surprise me a bit. Psychopaths, man. Thin-skinned like you read about.

I do not know which organization you have got to back you up, but if you do not care about lawsuits in the multi-million dollar range, fine, just keep on doing what you are doing.

HA! First off, these people have no idea what organization I have backing me up, and if they did they’d back off in a heartbeat. Let’s just say The Black Wave has my back.

Bad. Ass.

If you DO care about spending x-amounts of money to try and defend this CLEARLY written libel, then take my advice – DELETE. Your post is now officially been copied and screen-shotted and digitally stored for later use and evidence. This is just a warning. Delete or pay the consequences either monetarily or physically.

Whoa, can you say dark turn? But listen, any threatening letter writer that uses the word screen-shotted is alright by me. Hell, I’m not even mad. That’s amazing.

We are Antifa, we do not forget.

Wait. What? Who? Antifa? The anti-fascist group? Has this psychopath even read my website? Hell, I’m practically Antifa myself, man. C’mon Antifa. You’re better’n ‘at.

Note: No way somebody from Antifa wrote this. Has to be a lone wolf psychopath dude. I’m not rich so a lawsuit means nothing to me, and I ran the IP address and it originated from Arlington, Virginia. That would be a what, a 7-hour drive to kill me? To be safe, Sparky and I shall be on high alert for a few days. Such is the life of a world-famous blogger.

 

So mega-rich former Hollywood producer, banker and current US Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin posed with his trophy wife and a sheet of money, presumably because he’s excited to see his signature on a dollar bill, but hey, who wouldn’t be? Anyway, the worldwide interweb is having some fun with the photos. First, check out the pics:

Now, the comments:

“Picking out wallpaper for the cognac swirling room.”

“Only way this could be worse would be if Linton and Mnuchin were lighting cigars with flaming dollar bills.”

“You cannot parody these folks.”

“Why are they dressed like Bond villains?”

“Just a friendly reminder that the GOP wants to raise taxes on the middle class & take health insurance away from millions of Americans so people like Louise Linton and Steven Mnuchin can get a tax cut.”

“Me at Chipotle when the tell me the guac is extra.”

Good stuff. And it’s also comforting to know that some women are attracted to a man’s personality and not his bank account.

PS- Kidding. She’s totally attracted to his bank account.

PIX11 — An online worksheet that was never meant for children has parents at one Virginia middle school furious after a teacher mistakenly passed it out to the class, according to WTVR. A teacher at Carter G. Woodson Middle School assigned the “Family Quiz” worksheet Friday in a Family & Consumer Sciences class, according to parents.

Oh boy. First, let’s take a gander at the worksheet? How bad could it be? I mean really?

Well hell. How bad could it be? I guess the answer is pretty bad. It really took a left turn there on 17 through 20, amirite? And “boy toy” and “trophy wife” really takes it to another level, man. But honestly, who downloads a test and passes it out without, you know, looking it over first? Good God.

PS- Kudos to the kid that took this test. Nailed it.

PPS- Love the family dog at the top of the test. Cool.

Source
A security guard nearly lost an arm in a brutal battle with a 25-ft python – which was later chopped up and fried by hungry Indonesian villagers. Robert Nababan crossed paths with the giant creature while patrolling an oil palm plantation in the remote Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra island. Police say the 37-year-old tried to catch the giant python and stuff it in a gunny sack. But the huge serpent fought back and bit him on his left arm, nearly severing it from his body.

There’s one thing that stands out to me regarding this story, and that is the fact that Robert Nataban saw a 25-foot python while patrolling a oil palm plantation and proceeded to try and catch it and stuff it into a gunny sack. What the hell, man? I searched up “gunny sack” on the Goggle and here’s what came up:

How in the hell did Robert Nataban think he was going to stuff that monster into that tiny sack? Dude either has balls the size of basketballs or a brain the size of a BB. Good God man. Any normal human being would have taken one look at that slithering reptilian beast and run for his life. Instead, Robert Nataban tries to be a badass and ends up with his arm nearly severed from his body. There are some wild shenanigans going on over there in the Batang Gansal subdistrict of Sumatra Island, lemme tell ya.

PS- The fact that this snake was chopped up, fried and eaten by the villagers is so Indonesia it hurts.

Try and find a better headline writer. You can’t. Anyway . . .

Source – A 19-year-old man who shot himself in the penis after allegedly holding up a South Side hotdog stand Tuesday won’t be going home when he’s released from the hospital. Terrion Pouncy was arrested at the Oak Lawn hospital not long after he was found slumped on the steps of a home across the street from a West Pullman restaurant that Chicago Police say he robbed at gunpoint about 6 a.m. on Halloween. The hotdog stand employee had been passing a bucket filled with grease over the counter as he called for his co-worker to hand over the cash from the register. As they passed their wallets and a stack of singles to Pouncy, the bucket tipped and bills went flying, police said. Shifting the gun in his waistband as he ran out he apparently pulled the trigger, firing a bullet that struck him in the penis.

Hotdog stand robbery. Man shoots self in penis. Some stories just write themselves, ya know? Seriously though, unless you shoot yourself in the groin I don’t want to hear about your bad day. Why? Because Terrion Pouncy’s bad day will top your bad day 100 times out of 100.

PS- Who grabs a gun by the trigger as they pull it out of their pants? That’s Burglar 101, man.

So Cam Newton was discussing his team’s can-do attitude yesterday and unleashed the following quote on the unsuspecting masses:

“Yeah, we just lost a great player, but nevertheless, you know, the Titanic still has to go.”

Oh boy. Bad analogy. You know, because the Titanic sinks. What’s next, “We’re rising up like the Hindenburg”? Maybe “We’re driving ahead like Kennedy in Dallas”? Good God, Cam. Get your analogy game together. You’re embarrassing yourself.

PS- Cam’s post-game attire is must-see entertainment. Above we see the “Abe Lincoln Meets Urkel”. Good stuff.

 

We all know guys like this. J-u-s-t not quite right. A couple eggs short of a dozen. Both oars not quite in the water. A few sandwiches short of a picnic. They remind you of Paul Revere’s Ride, as in a little light in the belfry. Anyhoo, Jameis Winston is one of those guys. Honestly, you can tell he’s half nuts by looking into his eyes. Listen to his pregame speech yesterday and tell me I’m wrong. Dude is unhinged, man. But seriously, somebody needs to make sure Tampa Bay is following the proper concussion protocol.

PS- His speech rallied the squad to a 30-10 loss. Good times.