Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

So you take your seat on your flight, and to your delight you find that nobody will be sitting in the seats beside you. Glorious! Jackpot! Woot! You may even stretch out sideways and take a nap, amirite? The joyous possibilities are endless. Hells to the yah! After all, there’s nothing worse than being crammed into your seat beside some obnoxious, loud or possibly portly passenger, is there? Well, it turns out that yes, there is . . .

I swear to God, I have some friends with a genuine fear of feet that would recoil in horror at this sight. Me? I’d probably just ask them to put their feet where they belong, and if they didn’t I’d start breaking toes. Anyhoo, that’s nasty.

So here’s some delightful video of a lady kneeling down in front of some art out in L.A., only to succeed in falling backwards and creating an artistic domino effect of sorts. On a related note, only professional bloggers such as I are capable of writing that last sentence. Anyhoo, here’s the assclown in action.

“He’s winded!” Yes. Yes he is.

Haven’t posted these in awhile.

A 38-year-old Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on his gun, a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report said. 

According to the sheriff’s report, Chilly Mangi’s girlfriend told police he was sitting outside his Freedom Crossing Trail apartment in a car before he ran inside in a panic.

His girlfriend approached him in the bathroom and saw that he had a gunshot wound. He said he accidentally set the firearm off when he sat on it in the driver’s seat.

She drove him to Memorial Hospital, where JSO impounded the vehicle for evidence. JSO did not say what type of gun was involved but did say the injury required immediate surgery.

Man, and you thought you were having a tough day, huh? Maybe you woke up with a headache, the wife is upset about that extra couple beers you had last night with the boys, things are a little tense around the house and whatnot? Well, this should make you feel better. You didn’t shoot yourself in the penis. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Chilly Mangi would be the coolest name ever if you didn’t know he, you know, shot himself in the penis. 

This is gold, Jerry. GOLD. But here’s what I don’t get about Donnie. He won. He’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Why in God’s name would he sit in the White House tweeting to morning talk show hosts about the time he turned them down at a New Year’s Eve party?  How in the world can he be that thin-skinned and petty? Just blows my mind. On the other hand, damn it’s entertaining. Keep being you, President Trump. Keep being you.

The 80’s were a simpler time. You know, back when TV shows like Growing Pains had characters named “Boner” and nobody gave it a second thought.* When we watched a show about an furry alien named “Alf” who had an affinity for eating cats and thought it was hilarious. When David Hasselhoff rode around in a car that was way smarter than he was. You get the drift. Anyway, it should come as no surprise that a bro would want to get a tattoo of his favorite lovable, family values icon of the era.

Oops.

*I just found out that the guy who played Boner in Growing Pains committed suicide in Canada back in 2010. Man, that’s sad. 

From time-to-time my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied likes to post some of the latest fashion trends and throw in our 2¢. Don’t believe me? Just type in the word “fashion” in that search box over there and have a look-see. Anywho, our head Fashion Consultant Yuki Fukumodo brought in some photos of some of the hottest trends out there today, and I must say they beg for our attention and commentary. Let us commence with the festivities . . .

Remember the fake muddy pants I showed you a few weeks ago? Same concept here. And guess what? Still dumb.

These are called Ugg Sandals. Don’t you wear boots to keep your feet warm and dry? Aren’t open-toed boots defeating the actual purpose of boots? I’m so confused.

Man, these things have to be a nightmare for ladies with love handles, amirite? Stuff be poppin’ out all over the place up in here. Seriously, that’s not a good look, man.

Oh for the love of God. Now they’re just messing with us. “Hey, let’s cut up some old sweats, attach them with clamps and see if people will buy them.” Guess what? People will.

Perfect for people who want to ride their horse to the beach and sink their toes in the sand. Geesh. On a related note, the tan lines would be outrageous.

Perfect for the woman who has an extra 10-minutes to buckle-up her Elbow Purse.

Honestly, were out of ideas so we’re just reaching now, right? Just making stuff up right and left and expecting people to eat it up. The sad part is, some people will.

(Source)El Debate reported that farmer Miguel Anaya Pablo, 60, died from an infection caused by the wounds he suffered during a brawl with his pig Nicolas. Miguel returned home drunk from a party and somehow begun fighting with the pig, which he kept in his home. The animal managed to bite his testicles and severe three fingers of his right hand, and he was rushed to hospital. However, he later died due to an infection in the wounds.

Listen, I don’t know the history here. Perhaps there had been tension brewing between Miguel Anaya Pablo and Nicolas for some time and emotions finally boiled (or fried) over. Maybe Miguel came home that night and finally stepped over the line. All I know is that the minute he decided to throw down with a pig he was doomed. Pigs are diabolical, man. They have a low center of gravity and are hard to knock off their pig feet. And pigs will do whatever it takes to win, including biting off your testicles.

Note: Nothing will stop a fight quicker than the “biting off the testicles” move. Nothing.

I need to see more of this type of thing.

Idiots

Posted: June 9, 2017 in Assclowns, Fails, Humor, Karma
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Here are some photos to make you feel smarter. Click on the photo to enlarge.

I took a screenshot of this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it. That fellow in the photo is Dejounte Murray of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs. Anyway, that’s a really bad tattoo. Is it a maskless Ninja Turtle? A pissed off alien? Sam Cassell? The mind reels, man. Hell, it looks like a 3rd grader drew that abomination. Bottom line, I demand an explanation. Yikes.

Karma, man. Gotta love it.

Shoplifter Meets Miss Karma

Damn kid deserved it.

Satisfying to watch.

Oops.

Love it.

Karma makes me as happy as George W dancing.

The Donald. Dude can’t get out of his own way. Just flat tells his Israeli audience he “Just got back from the Middle East.” I swear he doesn’t know Israel is in the Middle East. Geography 101, kids. And check out the Israeli ambassador. Bro looks like Hillary on election night, just flabbergasted like you read about. Trump, man. He keeps blogs like mine alive. God bless him.

On a related note, I never thought I’d miss this guy so much:

So this couple posted an engagement photo online, along with an open pregnancy test box in the lower foreground. Oops. Anyway, the resulting Facebook conversation was a classic.

Washington Post: Commerce secretary Wilbur Ross offered two highlights from his trip to Saudi Arabia in an interview with CNBC on Monday morning. First, he enjoyed the two bushels of dates he was given by Saudi Arabian security guards and, second, he was pleased that he saw no protester with “a bad placard.”

Perhaps because an American-style protest is illegal in that country and can result in a death sentence.

Ross was using the lack of protesters as an example of how warmly the Trump administration was received in the country.

Hey, how great is Saudi Arabia, huh? No protesters at all! Sure, you can be beheaded if you do but still! No negativity at all, everything was puppies and unicorns. This damn freedom of speech bullshit we practice here in the United States leads to nothing but unnecessary hostility. Maybe President Trump will come back with some great ideas. Wait. Uh-oh . . .

BOSTWICK, Fla. –Authorities say a Florida man leaned in to kiss a rattlesnake – but got bitten instead. 

Ron Reinold was flown to the hospital by helicopter in critical condition after he was bit by the rattlesnake on Tuesday, CBS affiliate WJAX reports.  

Charles Goff told WJAX he found the rattlesnake on Monday night. He said he knows how to handle snakes and put it in a tank, but he said his neighbors were playing with the snake when Reinold was bit. 

“The next morning before I got up, they were playing with the snake,” Goff told WJAX. “One guy said, ‘I’m going to kiss it on the mouth,’ and the snake bit him in the face.”

“Ron was just acting silly, you know?” he said. “I guess he said he could kiss the devil and get away with it, but evidently he didn’t.”

I read that this dude survived, unfortunately. This would have been a perfect example of natural selection, ya know? Social Darwinism and all that. Idiots like this guy need to die so future races will be smarter. Can’t let morons like Ron Reinold live to reproduce, man. That’s just a bad deal all-around for everyone.

On a related note, Florida, man.

Golf DigestDonald Trump’s Northern Virginia Trump National Golf Club features a plaque between the 14th and 15th holes honoring a Civil War battle at that precise spot. The inscription, signed by Trump, reads:

“Many great American soldiers, both of the North and South, died at this spot. The casualties were so great that the water would turn red and thus became known as ‘The River of Blood.’ It is my great honor to have preserved this important section of the Potomac River!”

Nice sentiment, small problem: there apparently was no such battle.

The NY Times checked with various historians in the area who had trouble tying the site of Trump’s course to any such event.

No. Uh-uh. No way. Nothing like that ever happened there,” Richard Gillespie, the executive director of the Mosby Heritage Area Association, told the Times.

Trump, questioned how historians could dispute the battle, said, How would they know? Were they there?”

Damn it. I only wish I would’ve thought of this logic back when I was a kid:

Mom: “Ralph David, why were you picking on little Howie Perkins at recess?”

Me: “How do you know it was me? Were you there?”

Diabolical.

And hey southerners, still a little defensive about the whole slavery thing? Here’s your answer:

“How can you be certain it happened? Were you there? 

I swear to God I lowkey love this move. It’s so outrageous I almost have to respect it. Just bold as hell. Reminds me of a kid who covers his eyes and believes you can’t see him.

Trump, man. Abe Lincoln he ain’t.

 

So our esteemed president had a little run-in at the White House recently. Check out the hilarious video first:

See, here’s where Donnie gets in trouble. Twitter Trump and President Trump are two entirely different people. A few months ago The Donald woke up, heard something from someone he passed in the hallway, shot out a couple tweets about Obama illegally wiretapping, and he’s been hammered about it ever since. Here John Dickerson is grilling him in the Oval Office about his own words and things went downhill quickly. He clearly can’t take it and he hates being called on it. Last week he said that the presidency is harder than he thought, that it’s more work than his previous job. Gee, ya think? Being the leader of the free world is a bitch, man. You have to be, you know, held accountable and stuff. That’s not fair, man. Get the hell out of my office.

PS-  I love the “everybody’s talking about it” line. That’s so Trump it hurts.

 

Well, good Lord. I guess his heart was in the right place?

First, the tattoo:

OK, first I thought that was a conch shell, but after reading his comment I realized Anthony Brown had a damn potato chip tattooed on his shoulder. Listen, I’m no expert but I’m pretty sure the century old expression “chip on his shoulder” wasn’t referring to a tasty snack treat.

PS- I actually looked up the expression and although it’s too boring to get into, it does not refer to a potato chip. Oh, and the 189 refers to the # at which he was picked in the draft.

PPS- Is that a Pringle or a Ruffle? Maybe a Lay’s Wavy? I’m so confused.

Listen, everybody knows how I despise the fairly recent trend where the wedding party dances into the reception, basically acting like fools. I’ve seen people ziplining in, grooms walking up the actual wedding aisle doing tricks with a soccer ball, all sorts of ludicrous activity. Why do I dislike this stuff, you ask? Well, basically it’s because I think the big day should be all about the bride, ya know? Not some doofus shimmying into the reception like Steph Curry after a routine 3-pointer. It’s not about you, ya assclown. And this may sound odd coming from a guy who is 0 for 2 in the marriage game, but to me all those goofy shenanigans take away from the actual ceremony, which should be sort of sacred, right? Yeah, I know the reception is different from the ceremony but do you really want everyone going home remembering what happens in this video? I think not. On a related note, that bridesmaid might be dead.

I swear to God that asshat is still dancing after that debacle.


Whoa!

[click to enlarge the hilarity]

Classy on the left, dumbassy on the right. Seriously, any woman that would allow this must be madly in love, man. Either that or the toolbag is controlling the relationship. The backward hats just top off the dopey ensemble, don’t they? On a related jerk note, that third guy from the right seems to be texting. How fitting. Have mercy.