Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

Republican, smart, traditional, and white. Glad she pointed that out to us.

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So the prestigious Washington Post just fired off one of the most insightful, in-depth and well-researched tweets of the year with this gem:

NATION’S FOURTH LARGEST CITY STRUGGLES TO GET MOVING AGAIN AFTER HARVEY

 

Gee Washington Post, ya think?

 

(Source) — A former Los Altos High School student and baseball player is suing the school district and his former coach for hundreds of thousands of dollars because the coach repeatedly benched him. According to the suit, the school’s head varsity baseball coach, Gabriel Lopez, repeatedly refused to let 17-year-old Robbie Lopez, no relation, play throughout his senior year. The suit claims this constituted a pattern of “harassment and bullying.” The teenager and his parents are seeking $150,000 or more, according to the suit.

Sigh. And so it continues. If this is bullying, do you know how many of my former players could sue me? I’ll give you the answer – hundreds. Good God, man. Newsflash, Robbie Lopez – it’s your coach’s job to bench you if you’re not playing well. Hell, using this logic every kid on the bench could sue his coach. That’s just dumb, man.

PS- In the future every coach will be required to play every player an exact even number of minutes. Then nobody will get their feelings hurt. Awesome.

So I guess the Texas State football team went through some media training the other day, where they were taught some important core values. This is great because, you know, a lot of kids aren’t taught the basics of life at home. Ladies and gentlemen, here are those core values:

Sweet God almighty that pains me to read it. Seriously, we have to tell college kids that these are core values? What, did they forget “no killing”? Honestly, it amazes me that we have to explain to men between the ages of 18-22 that these behaviors aren’t acceptable. Hell, I coach kids from 14-17 and I don’t have to point this out to them. I mean, are there actually guys sitting there that are saying to themselves, “Ah, be honest, don’t hit women, no drugs, stealing or weapons. Now there’s a good idea.”

The mind reels, man.

Let’s begin with what may be the single greatest video on the internet right now. My comments follow . . .

First off, let’s get one thing out of the way. You can’t get much whiter than that dude, so he has to be happy about that. Secondly, you can’t be a white supremacist and wear your pants that low. You just can’t. That’s just copying the very folks you’re supposed to be supreme over. That’s lame, man. Bet he listens to Drake and Li’ Wayne too. Anyway, s-u-r-e it’s easy being a racist. You know, until you become separated from your fellow bigots and you’re being chased by some black guy with a stick. Then it gets real real fast, man. I mean, the little Eminem wannabe here couldn’t get that “uniform” off fast enough. But seriously, I had no idea the uniform of the white supremacists was a white polo and khakis. Not kidding, that’s the uniform. Isn’t that sort of lame? They look like the nerd that shows up to work on my laptop or something.

Anyway, bad look for the white supremacists, man. Guess their admission requirements are a little low?

PS- Can’t wait for the hate messages I’m sure to get from the Nazis. The over-under on grammar mistakes per message is 23.

Pure comedy.

 

LA Times – Residents of a Costa Mesa duplex were burning candles and sage to ward off evil spirits just before a fire broke out Tuesday night, fire officials said. Costa Mesa firefighters were called to the two-story duplex at 350 Avocado St. at 9:40 p.m., said fire Capt. Chris Coates. Coates suggested that residents monitor candles closely to help prevent a fire. “Anytime you have an open flame burning inside your residence, it can be very dangerous,” he said.

Man, nothing worse than trying to ward off evil spirits and burning your house down, huh? That’s a tough day right there. You’re already being haunted like you read about and then boom, things take a hard left turn and get worse. And Captain Chris Coates gives some sage advice, doesn’t he? Who knew that open flames can be dangerous? That’s stuff you can only learn at the Police Academy. Anyway, score one for the evil spirits I guess?

PS- Why do we only use “ward off” when discussing evil spirits? They’re basically the only thing we ward off.

PPS- Avocado Street is so L.A. it hurts.

In the ’80s and ’90s, Domino’s guarantee of a 30-minute delivery led to so many fatal car crashes their employee death rate was equal to that of coal miners.

 

 

So ESPN’s “The Undefeated” released the list a couple days ago, and it is beyond incomprehensible. Are the people who put this together just young with no perspective? Are they misinformed? Are they stupid, imbecilic nitwits? The answer is yes to all of the above. Let’s take a highly judgmental look . . .

Listen, the best thing I can say about the Top 5 is that it’s not awful. Here ’tis:

  1. Michael Jordan
  2. Jackie Robinson
  3. Muhammad Ali
  4. Willie Mays
  5. Jesse Owens

Sure, Jordan was the best basketball player of all-time. Best athlete? No. Of those five alone, Jackie Robinson was better. So was Jesse Owens. Not even close. These list-makers are apparently a victim of the moment, unable to have a true historical perspective. For instance, Robinson was an amazing 4-sport player who lettered at UCLA in baseball, football basketball and track.

I’m not going to post the entire list, but rather point out the inaccuracies and outrageousness of some of the choices. To begin . . .

WILT CHAMBERLAIN AT NUMBER 26? You, sirs and madams, are out of your freaking gourds. In college at Kansas, Wilt did this:

  • Ran a 10.9 100-yard dash
  • Threw the shot 56-feet
  • Triple-Jumped over 50-feet
  • Won the Big 8 High Jump 3-years in a row

As an NBA player, the guy averaged 50.4 ppg in a season and once scored 100 in an NBA game. And get this – Wilt Chamberlain averaged 30.1 points and 22.9 rebounds for his career.

Here are some other facts about Wilt Chamberlain:

  • He  once challenged NFL legend Jim Brown to a 100-yard dash and beat him.
  • He is in the professional Volleyball Hall of Fame
  • He could bench press 500-pounds. Shaq’s best was 450-pounds.
  • He had a 48-inch vertical leap.
  • During an interview, someone once questioned his physical fitness claims. He then did 200-fingertip pushups in a suit and stood up without having broken a sweat.
  • A part of his workout routine was doing 100 sit-ups with a 50-pound weight on his chest.
  • Quote from former NBA player Johnny Kerr: “Once Wilt got upset and dunked on me so hard the ball went through the rim and broke my toe.”

One final story, as told by legendary coach Larry Brown:

“I was at a Lakers open gym in the mid-80’s. Wilt was approaching 50-years of age at this time. Wilt’s team was winning and Magic Johnson began calling chintzy fouls, even calling a goal tending on Wilt at one point. Finally, Wilt got angry and said, ‘There will be no more layups against my team.’ And guess what? There wasn’t.’ I was there. I saw it.”

So, Wilt at #26? Ridiculous.

Here are a few more examples of the list’s stupidity:

Simone Biles and Gabby Douglas at #8 and #9, respectively. For those who don’t know, they’re both gymnasts. Don’t get me wrong, great athletes. But ahead of Magic Johnson, Pele, Wilt and others? W-h-u-u-u-t?

Stephen Curry is at #28, one spot ahead of LeBron James at #29. Anyone who agrees with this is a fool, a jackass and should be pummeled about the head and shoulders with a crescent wrench.

Emmitt Smith sits at #19 and Jim Brown is at #30. Excuse me while I go lay down for a few minutes.

OK, I’m back.

David Robinson (#46) is 4-spots ahead of Tim Duncan (#50). This is wildly inaccurate, also ludicrous.

Before I write this next sentence I need to take a really deep breath, because it has to be a joke. It has to be. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Russell is at #36, behind Herschel Walker. Sweet Jesus.

Shaquille O’Neal at #16? Negatory. Way too high. Remember kids, that’s 20-spots ahead of Bill Russell.

Larry Fitzgerald is at #42. Listen, Lars is a really good receiver, but he should not be in the Top 200 on a Greatest Black Athletes list. Just a mind-boggling choice.

Usain Bolt at #14 is too low. Bolt won the 100, 200 and 4 x 100 events in 3-straight Olympic Games. ‘Nuff said.

Tiger Woods is not listed in the top 50. As mentioned before, Larry Fitzgerald is at#46. This alone should render the list meaningless.

Barry Bonds, noted steroid abuser and he of the bulbous head, is on the list.

Jerry Rice at #10. Don’t think so.

So to review, the list is wildly inaccurate and apparently made by millennials who don’t understand sports, athletes or life in general.

Note: Can’t wait to see the Top 50 White Athletes of All-Time list!

The internet has gone udderly wild for a Texas calf’s uncanny resemblance to Kiss frontman Gene Simmons. The baby cow, named Genie, was born on Friday at a ranch in Kerrville, Texas, and even likes to stick out its tongue like the rocker. Hill Country Visitor, a tourism agency that promotes the region of Texas Hill, shared the image on Facebook, joking that Simmons could be the father. Simmons himself was delighted, tweeting: “This is real, folks!!!” The bovine doppelgänger’s markings quickly drew comparisons to Simmons, who is famous for his long tongue and black-and-white face paint.

Let’s get this out of the way first – that cow looks nothing like Gene Simmons. Not even close. Face paint is all wrong. “Uncanny resemblance”? Uh, methinks not. And what cow doesn’t like to stick its tongue out? That’s what cows do. It’s pretty clear to me that Hill Country Visitor is working the whole tourism angle a little too hard with this scam, man. And what’s up with these shanksters suggesting Gene Simmons fathered a cow in the first place? That seems sort of rude.

PS- I also have a beef with writers who get cute with puns like “udderly wild.” That’s just cheap blogging technique right there. Not very well done. Of course, writers like myself are rare. Well, gotta get moooving.

PPS – I hate myself right now.

Once upon a time in the not-so-distant past a girl I was dating asked me to hold on to some cash for her. She did this because she didn’t want to spend it. Seems she’d sold something, collected $500, and handed me the money for safekeeping. I know, sorta weird but I totally understood so I said sure.

However, I had to make a decision – where do I put the dough? I mean, it wasn’t a fortune or anything but $500 is $500, you know? And I didn’t want to put it in my wallet or anything for fear of spending it myself. S-o-o-o, for some reason, and I know not why, I stuck it into a pair of old basketball shoes on my closet. I rarely wore this particular pair and they were old so I thought if on the rare chance I was robbed one night those 1998 Air Max’s would be the last thing somebody would pilfer. To be safe I told the girl where the cash was stashed, in case I forgot where I put it.

Good a plan as any, huh?

Uh, not so fast. If only my life rolled along that smoothly.

Fast forward a few months to, oh, around 3:00am one dark and stormy Tuesday morning. Seriously, it was stormy. To this day I know not why I sat bolt upright as a sheen of cold sweat enveloped me, but damned if that’s not exactly what happened.

For some reason, out of the blue, a grim realization hit me.

I’d cleaned my house on Saturday and taken several garbage bags of clothes to one of those little Goodwill donation bins in Chillicothe, and one bag included a certain pair of 1998 Nike Air Max shoes.

Damn. It.

After I shook off the shock (I’ve never figured out what made me wake up with that memory), I leaped out of bed, got dressed and did the only possible thing I could think of doing – headed to a certain Goodwill donation bin that was 12-miles away.

Somehow, I had the presence of mind to grab a 9-iron out of my golf bag on the way out the backdoor, along with a flashlight.

This particular Goodwill bin was in the parking lot at Kroger, out near a pretty busy road, although not so much at 3:30 in the morning. Anyway, I get there, park, get out my trusty 9-iron, and go to work.

The bin had a little door that was hinged at the top. It was rather high, and I suspect they’re built that way to keep people from reaching in and grabbing whatever the hell they want, which to any passer-by would appear to be exactly what I was doing at the time.

When the occasional car rolled by I would sort of stand there attempting to look casual, which coincidentally was impossible. At one point a police car actually came driving slowly by, and I expected the worst, although I’d already planned to simply tell the truth. After all, who could make up such a story? Hey, hopefully the cop and I would have a good laugh about the poor dumbass who’d thrown away $500.

Hopefully.

Lucky for me he didn’t see me, and after looking both ways I began my search in earnest. With the little door propped on my head, my flashlight in my left hand and the 9-iron in my right, I began digging through probably 30-trash bags full of clothes and whatnot. I knew I’d used white trash bags, so that narrowed my search somewhat. However, I had no idea how often they emptied the bins or how quickly they filled up. Was my stuff even in there?

I was pretty sure I’d thrown 5-bags in, and if I found one I was pretty sure I’d find them all. Finally, after about 30-minutes (ish) of digging around, I struck gold . . .

Boom! After feeling around for anything shoe-like in what seemed like a million bags, I found the bag containing my shoes. I carefully opened it, pulled the shoes out, and reached inside.

Nothing.

OK, the loot must have fallen out. It had to be inside the bag. HAD to be. One by one I took out every item in the bag. I looked in pant legs, pockets, shirt sleeves, I even turned the bag inside out.

Nada.

Long story short, after much digging, sweating and pulling I soon had every damn bag I’d put in the bin sitting on the Kroger parking lot. Hell, at one point I had leaned in so far that my legs were sticking straight out of the little window. How nobody saw me and reported me is beyond me. I even ended throwing the whole mess in the back of my Jeep to bring home and inspect in the light of day. Before I left I even shoved the remaining bags around the floor of the damn bin, thinking that maybe the bills were somewhere on the floor.

Alas, they were not. No $500. All I could think of was that some lucky shopper (or Goodwill employee) was going to be one happy camper one day very soon.

So, probably 2-hours later I was back home, sweaty, dejected and disappointed at my failure to rescue the $500 from the clutches of Goodwill Industries International. All I could do was make a call to them tomorrow, explain my pathetic situation, and hope for a miracle.

But first, there was the not-so-small matter of explaining to the owner of the $500 that it was, indeed, gone. Sure, I’d pay her back since I was the moron who lost it, but I was not looking forward to the conversation the following morning at all. Let me see if I can recite the conversation that ensued in its entirety:

“Hello?”

“Hey, remember that money you asked me to hold for safekeeping a few months ago?”

“Yes.”

“W-e-l-l, I sort of lost it. And by ‘sort of’ I mean I lost it. I took the shoes it was in, along with a bunch of clothes, to Goodwill on Saturday. I spent a couple hours last night looking for it, but I’m sorry. It’s gone.”

Then, as I readied myself for the onslaught that was to come, came the reply:

“That’s because I needed it and took it out a few weeks ago.”

Son. Of. A. Bitch.

 

PS- Yes, I thought about calling to first to see if she had it, but it was, you know, the middle of the damn night. Plus I’m an idiot, so there’s that. 

If you watch at the beginning you can see the cyclist cutting across traffic like an idiot. On a related note, always wear a helmet, kids.

So you take your seat on your flight, and to your delight you find that nobody will be sitting in the seats beside you. Glorious! Jackpot! Woot! You may even stretch out sideways and take a nap, amirite? The joyous possibilities are endless. Hells to the yah! After all, there’s nothing worse than being crammed into your seat beside some obnoxious, loud or possibly portly passenger, is there? Well, it turns out that yes, there is . . .

I swear to God, I have some friends with a genuine fear of feet that would recoil in horror at this sight. Me? I’d probably just ask them to put their feet where they belong, and if they didn’t I’d start breaking toes. Anyhoo, that’s nasty.

So here’s some delightful video of a lady kneeling down in front of some art out in L.A., only to succeed in falling backwards and creating an artistic domino effect of sorts. On a related note, only professional bloggers such as I are capable of writing that last sentence. Anyhoo, here’s the assclown in action.

“He’s winded!” Yes. Yes he is.

Haven’t posted these in awhile.

A 38-year-old Jacksonville man accidentally shot himself in the penis when he sat down on his gun, a Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office report said. 

According to the sheriff’s report, Chilly Mangi’s girlfriend told police he was sitting outside his Freedom Crossing Trail apartment in a car before he ran inside in a panic.

His girlfriend approached him in the bathroom and saw that he had a gunshot wound. He said he accidentally set the firearm off when he sat on it in the driver’s seat.

She drove him to Memorial Hospital, where JSO impounded the vehicle for evidence. JSO did not say what type of gun was involved but did say the injury required immediate surgery.

Man, and you thought you were having a tough day, huh? Maybe you woke up with a headache, the wife is upset about that extra couple beers you had last night with the boys, things are a little tense around the house and whatnot? Well, this should make you feel better. You didn’t shoot yourself in the penis. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- Chilly Mangi would be the coolest name ever if you didn’t know he, you know, shot himself in the penis. 

This is gold, Jerry. GOLD. But here’s what I don’t get about Donnie. He won. He’s the PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Why in God’s name would he sit in the White House tweeting to morning talk show hosts about the time he turned them down at a New Year’s Eve party?  How in the world can he be that thin-skinned and petty? Just blows my mind. On the other hand, damn it’s entertaining. Keep being you, President Trump. Keep being you.

The 80’s were a simpler time. You know, back when TV shows like Growing Pains had characters named “Boner” and nobody gave it a second thought.* When we watched a show about an furry alien named “Alf” who had an affinity for eating cats and thought it was hilarious. When David Hasselhoff rode around in a car that was way smarter than he was. You get the drift. Anyway, it should come as no surprise that a bro would want to get a tattoo of his favorite lovable, family values icon of the era.

Oops.

*I just found out that the guy who played Boner in Growing Pains committed suicide in Canada back in 2010. Man, that’s sad. 

From time-to-time my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied likes to post some of the latest fashion trends and throw in our 2¢. Don’t believe me? Just type in the word “fashion” in that search box over there and have a look-see. Anywho, our head Fashion Consultant Yuki Fukumodo brought in some photos of some of the hottest trends out there today, and I must say they beg for our attention and commentary. Let us commence with the festivities . . .

Remember the fake muddy pants I showed you a few weeks ago? Same concept here. And guess what? Still dumb.

These are called Ugg Sandals. Don’t you wear boots to keep your feet warm and dry? Aren’t open-toed boots defeating the actual purpose of boots? I’m so confused.

Man, these things have to be a nightmare for ladies with love handles, amirite? Stuff be poppin’ out all over the place up in here. Seriously, that’s not a good look, man.

Oh for the love of God. Now they’re just messing with us. “Hey, let’s cut up some old sweats, attach them with clamps and see if people will buy them.” Guess what? People will.

Perfect for people who want to ride their horse to the beach and sink their toes in the sand. Geesh. On a related note, the tan lines would be outrageous.

Perfect for the woman who has an extra 10-minutes to buckle-up her Elbow Purse.

Honestly, were out of ideas so we’re just reaching now, right? Just making stuff up right and left and expecting people to eat it up. The sad part is, some people will.

(Source)El Debate reported that farmer Miguel Anaya Pablo, 60, died from an infection caused by the wounds he suffered during a brawl with his pig Nicolas. Miguel returned home drunk from a party and somehow begun fighting with the pig, which he kept in his home. The animal managed to bite his testicles and severe three fingers of his right hand, and he was rushed to hospital. However, he later died due to an infection in the wounds.

Listen, I don’t know the history here. Perhaps there had been tension brewing between Miguel Anaya Pablo and Nicolas for some time and emotions finally boiled (or fried) over. Maybe Miguel came home that night and finally stepped over the line. All I know is that the minute he decided to throw down with a pig he was doomed. Pigs are diabolical, man. They have a low center of gravity and are hard to knock off their pig feet. And pigs will do whatever it takes to win, including biting off your testicles.

Note: Nothing will stop a fight quicker than the “biting off the testicles” move. Nothing.

I need to see more of this type of thing.

Idiots

Posted: June 9, 2017 in Assclowns, Fails, Humor, Karma
Tags:

Here are some photos to make you feel smarter. Click on the photo to enlarge.

I took a screenshot of this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it. That fellow in the photo is Dejounte Murray of the NBA’s San Antonio Spurs. Anyway, that’s a really bad tattoo. Is it a maskless Ninja Turtle? A pissed off alien? Sam Cassell? The mind reels, man. Hell, it looks like a 3rd grader drew that abomination. Bottom line, I demand an explanation. Yikes.

Karma, man. Gotta love it.

Shoplifter Meets Miss Karma

Damn kid deserved it.

Satisfying to watch.

Oops.

Love it.

Karma makes me as happy as George W dancing.