Archive for the ‘Fails’ Category

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Soddy-Daisy High School’s athletic director Jared Hensley. Listen, I’m about as non-PC as they come, bit this guy is nuts. I was trying my best to believe the guy might be joking, but I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sound serious as hell. How in the world would he ever think this is OK to say in 2018? I mean, I’ve known some dumb administrators, but . . . never mind, just watch.

Advertisements

Listen, I love pizza. I also love candy corn. But do I love the idea of candy corn pizza? Hell no I don’t. Hey, I also love peanut butter and shrimp but I’ll be damned if I want them combined. That’s just wrong. man. Whoever invented this pizza is evil, has no soul and has the heart of a demon. Disgusting.

Nobody writes titles like me. You’re welcome.

“Back off boieee!”

A drunk man has been beaten up by a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys after breaking into a zoo trying to catch one.

John Owen Casford snuck through the gates at Wellington Zoo to snatch one of the monkeys, only to be discovered with a broken leg and other injuries the following morning, the New Zealand Herald reported. 

Wellington District Court judge Bill Hastings said: “His intention was to capture a monkey and bring it home to his girlfriend. His attempt was not successful.”

The altercation left the “high as a kite” young man with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises.

Listen, man. You can pick on rhinos, you can pick on lions, you can pick on silverback gorillas. But you know who you can’t pick on? Squirrel Monkeys, that’s who. Just ask John Owen Casford. Bro messed with a pack of 10-inch Squirrel Monkeys and ended up with a broken leg, two broken teeth, a sprained ankle, and multiple bruises. Squirrel Monkeys give less than a damn, man. Back the hell off.

PS- How romantic a move is it to try and steal your girl a Squirrel Monkey? I’m thinking it’s a very romantic move. Had John Owen Casford pulled this off he’d been set for life, man. Sad really.

Bad omen.

A suicide bomber had planned on detonating in Moscow on New Year’s Eve in 2011, using her cell phone as the trigger. On her way to the city her mother called her to tell her to have a safe New Year’s Eve. The bomb detonated, killing her and only her instantly.

A bride in Canada has launched a foul-mouthed tirade against her friends and family after blaming them for the cancellation of her dream wedding.

The unbelievable story went viral after shots of the bride’s ridiculous rant were posted to online, showing her slamming guests for refusing to give her $1,500 to attend the wedding.

The bride, Susan, took to Facebook to announce the cancellation of her wedding 4-days before the event, blaming guests for not funding her event.

The post starts with Susan announcing the cancellation of the wedding and that her and her partner have split due to “recent and irreparable problems”.

“Before I begin this mini-novel, I invite all of you to put yourselves in my shoes,” the jilted bride wrote.

“For once, let me take the stage and voice the most painful few months of my life.” She then goes on to explain how she had always dreamt of having a huge “blowout” wedding but as her and her partner had only saved $15,000 they turned to their guests to fund the $60,000 event. They told guests they had to send $1500 if they wanted to be invited to the wedding and were absolutely shocked when hardly anyone coughed up.

“I SPECIFICALLY, I mean SPECIFICALLY asked for cash gifts,” she wrote.
“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamt of without proper funding?”

The bride became increasingly upset when people weren’t giving them the money they requested. Eventually all of the bride’s friends and family turned on her, including her fiance, over her obsession with having a huge wedding.

She ends the rant by telling everyone she is cutting off all the friends and family who refused to give her money and that she will be in South Africa backpacking for the next two months to get away from this “awful society”.

I’m rarely at a loss for words, but I’m seriously at a loss for words right now. Just kidding, I’m never at a loss for words. Anyway, $1,500 to attend a wedding? Were the Foo Fighters playing and do I have a backstage pass? Because if not that ain’t happening, sister. What in the holy hell happened to getting the happy couple a toaster? Maybe a personalized doormat? May I suggest a Magic Bullet Blender from Best Buy for the low price of $29.99? Honestly though, this may be the most delusional, entitled human being I’ve ever heard of. Here’s hoping Susan has an encounter with a Green Anaconda whilst backpacking in South Africa.

PS- Seriously man, people should be paid to attend weddings, not vice versa. Watching the wedding party dance into the reception makes me cringe every time. I hate forced choreography.

NEWPORT, R.I. — Investigators are trying to learn more about a bizarre incident off the coast of Rhode Island, CBS Boston reports. A woman said she fell off a sailboat and her husband didn’t know she had been overboard for hours in Narragansett Bay. The U.S. Coast Guard says the woman fell off her husband’s 39-foot sailboat sometime Friday afternoon as they were sailing from Newport to East Greenwich. The woman was found on Prudence Island at around 4 a.m. Saturday by a passing boater who heard her cries for help. Her husband was found around 2 a.m. in Warwick after he ran his sailboat aground. The man told local police he thought his wife was below deck sleeping and didn’t realize she was missing.

No other information is available at this point in the investigation.

No other information? I’ll give you information. The husband saw his wife fall off the boat, saw his chance, and sailed out of there like a bat out of holy hell. Dude had to be devastated when she was found by a passing boater. And he “ran his boat aground” at 2 a.m.? Going somewhere is a hurry there, bro? Please.

Note: Countdown to when this guy confesses. 3 . . . 2 . . . 1 . . .

Not her. This is a different idiot.

Adriatic News: A cruise ship passenger who was rescued from the Adriatic Sea 10-hours after falling overboard is in “excellent condition,” a doctor said Monday. The 46-year-old British woman is “very healthy,” Irena Hristic, director of the Pula Clinic in Croatia, told reporters.

“She said the fact that she practices yoga helped her as she was fit. And she said she was singing to not feel cold in the sea overnight,” the rescuer told the news site. Probably that’s the only way she survived,” the doctor added. “She’s nice lady. A healthy lady.” The rescued passenger, who identified herself to reporters as Kay, fell from the rear deck of the Norwegian Star as it sailed from Dubrovnik to Venice. 

Wow, it’s great to hear that this poor lady was rescued after spending HOW THE HELL DO YOU FALL OFF A CRUISE SHIP? Had to be drunk, right? Had to be.

PS- Honestly, I can think of few more terrifying things than treading water in the open ocean overnight. Sweet Mother of God.

PPS- More recent reports are saying that she and her boyfriend were fighting, and that “alcohol may have been involved.” Boom. Nailed it.

Listen, everyone knows I’m a bit of a fashion maven. After all, I’m the guy who gave the world acclaimed blogs like Time for the Latest Shoe: Untied Fashion Review, and The Thom Browne Fashion Show: A Shoe: Untied Review, both of which were critical and commercial successes in the fashion world. Hell, just type “fashion’ into the search box over there and you’ll find fashion blogs on Russell Westbrook, Kanye West, the NBA, the 70s, the Grammy Awards, the NRA, hell, even Michael Jordan. Bottom line you’re talking to an expert here. Anyway, this all brings us to something J-Lo sported at the MTV offices the other day, which are basically jeans in the form of boots. Yep, I’m talking belts and pockets and everything, the whole package. I don’t see zippers but you never know, they might be on there somewhere. Bottom line, this opens up a whole new arena in the boot game. Dress pants boots, cargo shorts boots, pajama pants boots, parachute pants boots, the list is endless really. Check ’em out because they’re sure to be all the rage on the streets of your town soon.

PS- Seriously, it looks as if her pants are falling off, right? Good Lord man. I guess it’s easier taking a dump when your pants are your boots?

PPS- Maybe we know what J-Lo stands for now?

PPPS- The Joots are a Donatella Versace creation. Brother Gianni would be so proud.

There are so many things about this video to like I don’t know where to start. It’s too perfect. The guy’s wife pays a man to kill him for two grand, he thinks that price is way too low, he’s a used car salesman because of course he is, that hair, that beard, he’s sweating like hell, the video is just perfect. Seriously, this guy is not upset his wife tried to have him murdered, he’s upset she didn’t take it seriously enough. “You get what you pay for.” That’s comedy gold.

Narrowed down from about 50. Did you own any of these? Chances are you did not.  Anywho, feel free to bask in other people’s catastrophic failures . . .

[run your mouse over the photo to read the witty captions]

So the Dominican newspaper El Naciona published this article the other day, with one small error – the photo that’s supposed to be Donald Trump is actually Alec Baldwin’s character on Saturday Night Live.

And the hilarity continues.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a blog whose time has come. It has to be done. Our future, and may I say the fate of humanity, depends on it. What am I talking about, you ask?

The death of grammar. Or rather, the DEATH OF GRAMMAR.

I don’t know, that just seemed to warrant all caps. It’s that important, man. What you’re about to read are a few basic, simple guidelines to using correct grammar. I shall focus on the rules that seem to be broken most often. Let us begin . . .

You’re vs. Your

You’re means “you are.” So, when you say, “You’re sweater is cute” you are incorrect. The correct usage would be “You’re not going to eat those cheese doodles are you? Your means that something belongs to you. So don’t say, “Hey, your welcome to some of my cheese doodles.” That would be incorrect. Instead you would use it as such: “Your cheese doodles look delicious.” See? This is easy. Stay with me kids.

They’re vs. Their vs. There

They’re means “they are” as in “Have you tried my cheese doodles? They’re really good.” Their, however, means it belongs to them, as in “The Dungworth’s keep their cheese doodles in the pantry.” Incorrect usage would be something along the lines of, “I love cheese doodles. Their delicious.” Don’t do that. Want to know about there? OK. There refers to a place, an example being, “My cheese doodles are in my top drawer. Don’t go there.” Please tell me you’re taking notes.

We’re vs. Were

We’re means “we are” and should be used like this: “We’re all having cheese doodles for lunch!” Were, however, is the past tense of are, as in “Wally and Mildred were dating for awhile, but Wally was addicted to cheese doodles. Now they are dating other people.” Get it?

Random thought. Should cheese doodles be capitalized?*

*It should not. I checked.

Then vs. Than

Listen carefully. Then is a point in time, as in “I went to a store to buy cheese doodles, then I went to another store to buy more cheese doodles.” Than, however, is a method of comparison, as in, “I know you love cheese doodles but I love them more than you do.” See? I was comparing our love of cheese doodles.

Two vs. To vs. Too

This is a really easy one. You see, two is simply a number. The number 2, as in “I bought two bags of cheese doodles but I should’ve bought three.” On the other hand, to indicates motion, as in “Hank Moffit is going to the cheese doodle store.” Too can mean either also or excessively, as in “Hey, I like cheese doodles too!” Or, “I love cheese doodles way too much.” Make sense? Good.

Set vs. Sit

The verb set requires an object, like let’s say, oh, a bag of cheese doodles. “Larry set the bag of cheese doodles on the table and his dog Norman took them.” On the other hand, sit doesn’t require a direct object, instead it’s something you do, like when you sit on a couch. Woot! Easy, man. You got this.

Lay vs. Lie

Lay requires an object. To lay is to set or place something in a resting position. Lie does not require an object. So, you lay a bag of cheese doodles on the counter, but you lie down on the couch. Get it? Good.

Note: Remember the Eric Clapton song “Lay Down Sally”? It should’ve been called “Lie Down Sally.” Also, the lyrics to Bob Dylan’s song “Lay Lady Lay” should actually be “Lie lady lie, lie across my big brass bed.” True story. It also gets confusing because lie can also mean a falsehood. It’s a mad world I tell ya.

Seen vs. Saw

This one seems to be common for some reason. Saw is the past tense of the verb see, and usually comes immediately after nouns and pronouns. Example: “Charlie saw a bag of cheese doodles.” On the other hand, the word seen can’t stand alone. It needs another verb like has or had to help it out, unlike saw. Check out this sentence: “Charlie has seen many cheese doodles, but none like the cheese doodles he saw today.” So to review, saw is usually used after nouns and pronouns, and seen is used with a buddy word like have, has, had, was, or were.

Whose vs. Who’s

This one is simple. Who’s is a contraction of who and is, as in “Who’s hungry for cheese doodles?” Whose is a possessive pronoun, and you use it when you’re asking or telling whom something belongs to. Example: “Whose cheese doodles are these?” So, who’s = who is and whose = Possessive of Who. Done dizzle.

Its vs. It’s

Again, simple. This one gets mixed-up because an apostrophe often indicates possession, but it’s is a contraction for it is. Its is a possessive pronoun and might be used like this: “The cheese doodle and its glorious golden hue were a sight to behold.” See? The cheese doodle possessed a golden hue, thus the use of the word its.

Lose vs. Loose

Another really simple one that there is no excuse for screwing up. You lose a bag of cheese doodles. Your cows get loose. Good Lord.

Good vs. Well

All you need to remember is that good modifies a person, place, or thing, and well modifies an action. If you’re having a good day, then your day is going well. Technically, “I’m good” or “You did good” is poor grammar. It should be “You did well.” I’ve actually heard grammar Nazis respond to that one with “How good are you?” Anyway, sorry everyone including me. I mess that one up all the time.

Using Apostrophes to Make Words Plural

I see this all the time as well. For some reason people seem to think that you should use an apostrophe to make a word plural. You do not. “My son Ethan won three trophy’s at the fair” is incorrect. Just add an S, man.

The Unnecessary “At”

Heard all over Southern Ohio and beyond: “Where you at?” You don’t need the “at” kids! Try “Where are you?” It will do just fine! Free your soul of the unnecessary at! You can do this!

Honestly, these mistakes probably bother me the most when I see educators do it. Come on, teachers. You’re better than that. Clean it up.

And hey, before you start correcting all the mistakes I’ve made in this blog please understand I know I’m far from perfect. I make plenty of mistakes too.

PS- Before you message me, I’m pretty sure I violated several uses of quotation marks during this blog. So sue me.

PPS- “So sue me” isn’t a complete sentence. I know this. I’m allowed to use something called Creative and Artistic License, man. Chill.

***BONUS BLOG ALERT***

It’s “I couldn’t care less.” “I could care less” means you probably do actually care.

“Literally” means it actually happened. If you say, “I literally shit my pants” you shit your pants.

“Affect” is a verb. “Effect” is a noun.

“Irregardless” is not a word. 

Thank you and goodnight.

I have a few observations. First off, stellar camera work here. Beautiful foreshadowing with the closeup of the gator. Secondly, who ziplines over a gator pit? Thirdly, WHO ZIPLINES OVER A GATOR PIT WHILE HOLDING A 3-YEAR OLD KID? Fourthly, I guarantee this was a case of a spoiled kid who demanded to go ziplining over gators and mommy and daddy allowed it because the kid runs the house. Fifthly, people are dumb.

Note: Sixthly, I’m awesome at making up words.

So Robert Williams achieved his life-long dream of being drafted into the NBA a couple weeks ago. Dude is about to sign a contract with the Celtics that will take care of his family for generations. He’ll be playing against the likes of LeBron James, Steph Curry and James Harden. So how is he handling it?

First, he overslept and missed his introductory conference call. Then, he overslept and missed his flight to Boston for the start of Summer League practice.

Sigh. Robert, Robert, Robert. Glad you’re taking this seriously, young man. Somewhere, Larry Bird weeps.


 

 

Let me get this straight. Man and woman attempt a burglary. Man attempts escape out the back. Man fails. Man gets cornered and considers throwing delicious fruit snacks at the po-po. Man gets taken down and shirt ripped off. Man gets tazed. Man recovers and makes an unsuccessful run for it. Man is arrested. Meanwhile, woman attempts escape out the back. Woman is unsuccessful. Woman attempts daring escape through the ceiling. Woman falls through ceiling. Woman is arrested.

Nice job, burglars.

People, man.

Well, maybe not killing now but it will eventually. Listen, I love basketball but you have to call this. You have to. What is the rationale for not? I don’t get it. MAKE THE CALL!

 


So a French family was visiting a wild animal park in Holland and thought it would be a swell idea to hop on out of their car with the kids, set up some lawn chairs and chillax with some 180-pound killing machines that have the ability to run 75 miles per hour. I mean really, what could possibly go wrong? Sadly, they made it back to their car before getting mauled to death.

PS – This video is proof that cursing in English and Dutch is exactly the same. Cool.

Why, oh why would somebody walk into a lion enclosure? And no, this wasn’t a disturbed individual. Reportedly this guy owned the animal park. If anyone deserved to be attacked it was this moron. And I can only hope the guy yelling for a gun was planning to use it on the human. This is all a part of natural selection, man. Weeding out the weak and stupid and whatnot. Good grief.

CBS Boston – Julia Hartwell loves her dolls, arts and crafts, and like most four-year-olds, she has a best friend. However, that’s not a term Julia can use at Pentucket Workshop Preschool in Georgetown. Her mother, Christine Hartwell, says, “The teacher told her she couldn’t say that in school.”

The Georgetown preschool offered an explanation to Julia’s parents, saying the term best friend “can lead other children to feel excluded” and it “can ultimately lead to the formation of “cliques” and “outsiders.” The preschool wrote, they “encourage children to have a broader group of friends, and foster inclusion at this particular age.”

Oh, for the love of God. Now the schools are telling our kids they can’t have “best friends.” Hey, I met my best friend Dave Allen in second grade and we remain best friends today. Sure, he’s a highfalutin (that’s how you spell it, I looked it up so shut it) doctor in the big city who only sees me at his convenience, but still.*

My point is, who in the hell can tell us who our friends are? Answer: Nobody. If you have no friends you need to take a look in the mirror, amirite? Newsflash: Everyone is not popular in preschool. Some are better at coloring, others are really good at somersaults or counting or drawing circles and stuff. Figure it out, man. Carve out your niche. Learn how to make friends without your damn school’s help. Sad really. Get it together, America!

*Just kidding, J.R.

Tom Brady “still has not committed to playing in 2018,” ESPN’s Adam Schefter reported Wednesday morning, citing sources. The Patriots quarterback still is expected to return, according to Schefter, but hasn’t given “official word” that he’ll be back. Brady wants to continue playing football past 40 years old, but “there are people around him who would rather see him retire,” sources told Schefter. Brady’s wife, Gisele Bundchen, reportedly has been among those who would like to see Brady walk away.

Hold the presses! Hold the presses! Breaking neeeeeews! Tom Brady may retire! Or not. He may play. We don’t know. But he might not play! But he might. Good God almighty. This is news? On a related note, you could say this about 200 other NFL players. I’m getting a headache.

Where’s an 18-wheeler when you need one?

TMZ- Green Bay Packers wide receiver Trevor Davis was arrested at LAX on Sunday morning after cops say he joked about smuggling a bomb into the airport. Law enforcement sources tell us the 24-year-old, a 5th round draft pick out of Cal in 2016, was at the Hawaiian Airlines ticket counter with a female companion to check into a flight when the attendant asked the usual security questions about their luggage.

Instead of playing it straight we’re told Davis turned to the other woman and said, “Did you remember to pack the explosives?” She apparently said, “No” and tried to get him to stop. He then said, “Just kidding”, but it was too late.
We’re told cops were called and Davis was immediately taken into custody for misdemeanor criminal threats.

Listen, everyone knows Trevor Davis was joking. But Holy Mother of God you can’t make a bomb joke at an airport. You just can’t. Not since September 11th, 2001. And Trevor has no excuse. Dude was born in 1994. He was 7 when 9/11 occurred. He’s not like guys like me who can remember the days when you could stroll onto an airplane with a damn machete and nobody would say a word. Trevor, dude. DUDE. Just can’t do it, man. You have to be better than that.