Archive for the ‘Men and Women’ Category

So some girl named Jane left these rules for her boyfriend before he went on vacation with his bros, and he was gracious enough to share them with the world. First read the note, followed by my comments.

Listen, I have no idea what a gaff or a scruffy is, nor have I ever heard of a Hibs song. However, I do know what a crazy-ass, looney tune woman is, and that is Connor’s girlfriend Jane. Avoiding eye contact with girls? Pee samples? Better be careful as “I may turn up?” That’s just horrifying stalker talk right there. That girl’s batshit crazy, man. Hey Conner, c’mere for a sec. No, a little closer please. OK, listen up: Run. Now. Run for your life while you can. Get out, because if you don’t your life is destined to be full of anguish and a living hell. Thank you and goodnight.

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Burn indeed.

Ever have a relationship that suddenly went awry for a weird reason? Something happened that made you think, “Uh, this isn’t going to work.”

Yeah, me too.

As a matter of fact it’s happened to me more than once. Let us review the sordid details . . .

I once went out with a girl in college that I’d had my eye on for awhile. We finally arranged a date, I picked her up, and things were going well. As always I had my music playing, and at one point I asked her what she thought of a particular Beatles song.

And then it happened, words spilling out of her mouth that were destined to ruin our relationship before it even started:

“I’ve never really cared for The Beatles. I think they’re overrated.”

At that point I spat out my coffee and I wasn’t even drinking any. Then I said something along the lines of, “Whaa . . . you . . smrgffft . . . wait . . . EXCUSE me?”

Listen, I can date somebody who hates sports, who doesn’t like to read books, who doesn’t like to travel, isn’t crazy about kids, hell, I can even date a Republican. But can I date somebody who dislikes The Beatles? I cannot.

Be ambivalent about them? Maybe. Dislike them? Nah.

Let us revert back to a quote from one of my favorite artists, the one and only lead singer of The Eels, Mr. Mark Oliver Everett, better known as E. E said this:

“Kids know what’s going on. They always respond to The Beatles, for instance. Doesn’t matter when they were born, they always seem to respond. Show me a kid who innately doesn’t like The Beatles and I’ll show you a bad seed.” 

Yep.

Listen, you don’t have to love The Beatles, but you certainly have to appreciate them for what they contributed to modern music. After all, virtually every band or artist today has stolen from them on one level or another. To not acknowledge that fact makes you, in my opinion, dumb.

Another time a date went sideways even more quickly. After I picked her up we walked out to my car, she opened the door and then proceeded to get out a handkerchief and wipe the seat before sitting down. Then she continued to look for dog hair on her coat all evening, making sure to hold it up for me every time she found one.

It didn’t take a genius to see that relationship was going very far. I mean, if a little dog hair bothered her that much we were in big trouble, ya know? I mean, if ya can’t make some allowances for The Spark you’re not my kinda girl.

I once dated a girl who I was beginning to really like. We’d gone out a few times and hit it off. She was from a nice family and showed no signs of abnormal behavior. Well, that all ended abruptly one sunny afternoon when she casually uttered a racial slur in the middle of a casual conversation regarding one of my friends. I asked her how in the world she could talk that way, she didn’t see a problem with it, I pointed out that I thought it was ignorant, and from that moment on I couldn’t wait to get her home and get the hell out of there.

It’s amazing how someone so pretty could turn so ugly so fast.

Finally, this last one is a little weird and sounds like something out of a Seinfeld episode. Years ago I was just out of college and seeing a girl that seemed really normal, at least by my standards. Anyway, things were going well until the day we went to a mall in Columbus. At some point we were ready to go up to the second floor and I sort of guided her over to the escalator. Just as we were about to step on she froze in her tracks and we had the following conversation:

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t get on there.”

“Huh? Why?”

“I haven’t told you this yet but I have a fear of escalators. It’s called Escalaphobia.”

“Hahahahahaha! Nice try weirdo.”

“I’m serious. They frighten me. I’m afraid I could get hurt on there.”

“Ooooooh.”

Long story short, she wasn’t kidding. This otherwise nice young lady had a legitimate, actual fear of escalators. Me, being the immature idiot that I was, couldn’t get past it. All I could think of that something must be inherently wrong with this woman, that if she was afraid of escalators what other irrational fears or thoughts might she have? Seriously, all I could think of were conversations I’d be having with people for years to come:

“Sorry, we have to take the stairs. She’s afraid of escalators.”

What can I say? Empathy wasn’t my strong suit then, nor apparently now since I just made myself laugh out loud as I typed that.

Anyway, so there ya go. Four weird things that can ruin a relationship. Well, plus me. I can ruin a relationship. On a related note, let’s not go there.

PS – Listen, I know too much dog hair is a pain and people have irrational fears that the rest of us have trouble comprehending. I get it, so save your complaints (I can hear the Society of Social Anxiety folks organizing as we speak). The racism, on the other hand, I will never get.   

PPS – And yes, I know I’m afraid of clowns, dolls and mannequins. Hey, I didn’t say I was perfect.

PPPS – And puppets, in particular marionnettes. There. I said it.

I can relate, trust me.

 

So I ran across this girl’s question regarding her ongoing relationship with her boyfriend Derek. Let’s call her Heather, because it seems like her name would be Heather. No offense Heathers. Anyway, read the letter, followed by my reply, then let me know what you think about it.

Q: I had been dating my boyfriend, Derek, for five years (from ages 20 to 25) and up until recently we had lived together for two and a half. When we first moved in together, I told him I wanted a proposal within the next year or else I would leave. He said this was completely doable and said he figured it would even happen before then!

So a year goes by and there’s no proposal. Derek says he needs more time to save up for a ring, so I tell him he has six months. I say ok and warn that I’ll leave if he doesn’t. Again, no ring. This time he says he can’t find a ring that’s “perfect,” so I pick one out that I like and he says to give him six months to save for it.

Another six months go by and NO RING. By now it’s been two years that I’ve been waiting to get married, so I tell him he has another six months and that it’s his last chance because I love him. Again, nothing – and this time he says it’s because he’s not sure if I’m “The One.” Ok, then why the fuck didn’t you say that two years ago Derek??

I finally had my fill of his lying. Last Friday I packed up all my stuff, took my name off our joint bills and moved out (my name is not on our lease.)

Derek does not have money problems and makes more than I do, so his excuse about saving for a ring was bullshit. It’s not like I even needed an expensive ring! Just a regular diamond ring that costs between $2,000 – 3,000. At one point he even said he’d go down to a pawn shop to get a ring RIGHT THEN and propose RIGHT THEN, but I felt like that would be cheap and he was only offering it to get me to stop talking. He told me we were soulmates, but refused to get the ring.

Did I do the right thing, yes or no?

Heather, Heather, Heather. First off, what’s the rush, kid? Hell, women wait to get married when they’re 35 or 40 these days, and sometimes not at all. Nobody cares. Why? Because, you know, they have careers and stuff. This isn’t 1922 when people would start calling you an Old Maid if you weren’t married by the age of 28. It’s a new day, sista. Welcome to 1970.

Secondly, guys don’t like deadlines for this type of thing. Demanding a ring is sort a bad move, don’tcha think? Dudes don’t like that kind of pressure, man. If you’re so obsessed with a diamond, wearing a white dress and having your big day you should’ve kicked Derek to the curb after he missed your first deadline, then gone and found a guy who wanted the same thing as you.

Finally, it’s pretty clear Derek has been stringing you along for several freaking years. I mean, those excuses are pretty lame. Can’t find the “right” ring? R-i-g-h-t. Heather, here’s the deal. Your big mistake was made when you moved in with this guy. He had you right where he wanted you, so why get married? The only thing a ring would’ve changed is that Derek would’ve been poorer.

So Heather, to answer your question, yes, you did the right thing. A little late, but ultimately you did. Now go find another guy to squeeze a ring out of.

So, thoughts?

You have to admit that Daniel gave it a hell of an effort here. I mean, Top Golf just put this date over the top. And how about this girl? She not only makes it clear that it was a “friend date” but she had to get that final shot in with the old “#stillsingletho” hashtag. That’s brutal.

This chick blew it, right? What, romance is dead? I mean, what’s more romantic than having a bad violinist play a song for you in a mall food court? Dude pulled out all the stops. Your loss, girl. Your loss.

What do Jeff Bezos, Kenneth Frazier and Steve Ballmer have in common? baldThey are tremendously successful. And also bald.

Coincidence? Probably not. Men with bald heads are often seen as more dominant and successful by everyone around them, according to a study of the University of Pennsylvania.

The American scientist Albert E. Mannes conducted a study in 2016 with 59 subjects. He wanted to find out how people react to men with shaved heads by showing them a series of pictures.

The subjects got to see each photo twice, once of a man with a full head of hair and once of the same man with his hair shaved off. The subjects reported that they thought the bald men were more dominant, bigger and stronger.

One interesting detail: They had to be completely hairless. Bald patches or pattern baldness was seen as less attractive and weaker.

But bald men are not just more powerful, they are also seen as more intelligent. A global study conducted by the psychologist Ronald Henss of the University of Saarland with over 20,000 subjects suggests that bald men are estimated to be older, but also seem wiser and more intelligent.

Many people also believe that bald men are more potent. This view is only strengthened by the no-hair styles of recognized sex symbols like Jason Statham, Bruce Willis and Michael Jordan, which places you and your masculinity in very good company indeed.

Well, there ya go. Esteemed scientist Albert E. Mannes and respected psychologist Ronald Henss have spoken.* What everybody knew all along has finally been proven by Science. Completely bald men are more dominant, intelligent, successful and potent. End of discussion. Hey, when the University of Pennsylvania and the University of Saarland say it’s true, it’s true. Argument over. You can’t argue with Science, people.

*I have no idea who these people are.

Anyway, boom. Case closed.

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So true.

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No idea who made these decisions.

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A wife, 96, and her husband, 100, hours before her death this past weekend. After 77-years of marriage he’s refusing to let go of his wife’s hand during her final moments. Inspirational.

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*Sarcasm Alert!

I ran across this valuable advice for ladies from back in the 1940’s and 1950’s. Surprisingly, it still applies in 2016. Ladies, feel free to print this out and stick it on your fridge, maybe keep a copy in your purse for easy reference. Pay close attention as we proceed . . .

DON’T BOTHER YOUR HUSBAND WITH PETTY TROUBLES AND COMPLAINTS WHEN HE COMES HOME FROM WORKSex Today in Wedded Life (1943).

If I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. Girls, the hubby doesn’t want to hear about your problems after a hard day at the office or steel mill. Just shut it and have dinner ready. It isn’t about you, damn it.

REMEMBER, YOUR MOST IMPORTANT JOB IS TO BUILD UP AND MAINTAIN HIS EGO. MORALE IS A WOMAN’S BUSINESSSex Today in Wedded Life (1943).

Well, der. If it isn’t your job isn’t to tell me how great I am I don’t know whose it is. Get it together, ladies.

BE A GOOD LISTENER. LET HIM TELL YOU HIS TROUBLES; YOURS WILL SEEM TAME IN COMPARISONSex Today in Wedded Life (1943).

Because there’s no way your problems can match mine, sweetheart. Just be still, settle down and listen to me complain.

LET HIM RELAX BEFORE DINNER. DISCUSS FAMILY PROBLEMS AFTER THE INNER MAN HAS BEEN SATISFIEDSex Today in Wedded Life (1943).

Ooh, this is an important one. No discussion of family problems until my inner man has been satisfied. Work up my appetite, baby.

A MEETING, AN AFTERNOON TEA, OR A MATINEE IS NO EXCUSE FOR NOT HAVING DINNER READY WHEN YOUR HUSBAND COMES HOME FROM A HARD DAY’S WORKSex Satisfaction and Happy Marriage (1951).

Solid advice indeed. Do what you want during the afternoon, honey, as long as you have my T-Bone and Baked Potato ready when I walk through the door. And hey, be sure and have my cigar fired up and ready to go when I’m finished.

IF YOU ARE ONE OF THOSE FRIGID WOMEN, DON’T BE IN A HURRY TO INFORM YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT IT. TO THE MAN IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE IN THE PLEASURABLENESS OF THE ACT WHETHER YOU ARE FRIGID OR NOT. HE WON’T KNOW UNLESS YOU TELL HIM, AND WHAT HE DOESN’T KNOW WON’T HURT HIM(Dr. William Josephus Robinson).

That’s just common sense, ladies. As long as your husband is satisfied it’s all good. It makes no difference to us. As for you, fake it, please.

YOUR UNDERWEAR SHOULD BE SPOTLESSLY CLEAN, AND EVERY WOMAN SHOULD WEAR THE BEST QUALITY UNDERWEAR THAT SHE CAN AFFORD. THE COLOR SHOULD PREFERABLY BE PINK. AND LACE AND RUFFLES ARE PREFERRED BY THE AVERAGE MAN(Dr. William Josephus Robinson).

Well, the “spotlessly clean” part is sort of timeless, don’t you think? As for the color and texture, I can go in many directions here and they’re all bad. No thank you.

IN CASE OF AN OCCASIONAL LAPSE ON THE PART OF THE HUSBAND, FORGIVE AND FORGET. OR BETTER YET, MAKE BELIEVE THAT YOU KNOW NOTHING –  (Dr. William Josephus Robinson).

Boy, this Doc Robinson was a piece of work, wasn’t he? On a related note, I wish to God this would have been read by both my ex-wives.

A MAN MAY STAND NAGGING FOR A LONG TIME, BUT THE CHANCES ARE AGAINST HIM STANDING FOR IT PERMANENTLY. IF HE NEEDS PEACE TO MAKE LIFE BEARABLE, HE WILL HAVE TO LOOK FOR IT ELSEWHERE THAN IN HIS OWN HOUSE. AND IT IS QUITE LIKELY THAT HE WILL LOOK (Sex Satisfaction and Happy Marriage (1951).

All kidding aside, that one’s pretty much on the money.

 

Note: So, you all know sarcasm when you read it, right?

Right?

And you think I pissed the clowns off.

Yikes.

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Lordy.

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Honesty, not always the best policy.

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Pretty horrible actually.

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