Here’s My Second Review of the VMA Awards

VMA AWARDS REVIEW, PART II

As many of you may remember, my review of last year’s VMA Awards was a blockbuster blog of epic proportions. You can review that review, along with my observations on Miley Cyrus and her ilk, by clicking here. You won’t regret it.

So due to popular demand and public outcry, I felt I must review this year’s VMA Awards. Trust me, I’m doing this as a service to you, my loyal followers, and for no other reason. As always, I shall maintain my blogging integrity throughout, giving you my honest impressions of the goings-on and shenanigans I witness.

As I did last year, I’ll give a minute-by-minute breakdown of the proceedings. After a deep breath, let us begin . . .

8:00pm – To open the show, somebody has walked onto the stage in a sparkly bikini, although the bottoms look like grandma panties. There are dancers in heavy make-up, many apparently dressed as plants of some sort.

8:01pm – They just showed a shot of Kim Kardashian in the audience, sitting with her two younger sisters. Too bad these kids can’t get any publicity.

Asses sell. End of story.

8:02pm – The person in the sparkly bikini (Nicki Minaj?), just laid down on the stage and simulated intercourse with one of her female dancers. The crowd seems to like this. This is followed by the entire dance troupe, and Nicki, dry-humping the stage. Artsy.

8:03pm – Twerking. Lots of twerking. On a related note, my laptop must be way out of touch. It’s not recognizing twerking as an actual word.

8:04pm – 4-minutes in, and already I long for a simpler time.

8:05pm – Two women have taken the stage and I promise you I have zero idea who they are. The crowd is going wild. Nicki has joined them. The only thing I know for certain is that there is no melody to be heard.

8:06pm – Woop! I recognize somebody! The Dogfather, Snoop Dogg, is on the stage! SNOOP! I love Snoop. Gwen Stefani is with him. I feel redeemed. Somewhat. By the way, Snoop is making a white t-shirt, cardigan and jeans look cool.

8:07pm – Snoop just referred to Gwen Stefani as the Queen of Punk Rock. W-h-a-a-a-t? Somewhere, Patti Smith* is shaking her head in disgust. As am I.

*Google her, ya idjuts.

8:09pm – Katy Perry just won something. I must say she looks rather fetching. I like Katy Perry.

8:09pm – People keep yelling “Jeah!” Or Jey-uh!” I can’t be sure.

8:15pm – Taylor Swift has been introduced. Thank God. At least I can watch an innocent country girl sing a tune now.

Taylor. What happened?

8:15pm – WHAT THE HELL? Oh, for the love of God. I take it Taylor has ditched the country scene, as it were?

8:18pm – Miley Cyrus audience shot. She appears to be on heroin. Or appalled by Taylor like the rest of us.

8:20pm – To further prove that I’m completely out of touch with modern music, somebody named Ed Sheeran just won an award. He looks like what Opie would have looked like had he grown up, left Mayberry, become addicted to crystal meth, and turned into a male prostitute. That is all.

8:26pm – Hey-O! Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels have taken the stage! Two guys in my age group! They look sort of lost, possibly because nobody in the crowd knows who they are.

8:29pm – A tiny little person named Ariana Grande won a big award, and this is literally the first time I’ve heard her name uttered by a human being. Jim Carrey handed her the award, and I’d bet my last dollar he’s never heard of her either.

8:31pm – Sam Smith is singing. Yeah, me either. Let’s move along.

8:45pm – Some comedian named Jay Pharoah has bombed repeatedly throughout the show. Just awful.

8:47pm – Usher has been introduced, and apparently he’s reached icon status behind my back. I had no idea. He did a nice robot on stage, however. Well played Ush.

8:59pm – Lorde just won something. I’m not familiar, but she’s very pasty looking and seemed very fidgety. I saw Keith Richards acting the same way in 1973, which was later explained in his autobiography and by the Albuquerque Police Department in their arrest report.

Not awful.

9:05pm – 5 Seconds of Summer has taken the stage, and I must admit they’re not horrible. They’re four kids from Australia clearly influenced by Green Day and other 90’s punk-pop bands. Tolerable.

9:14pm – Fifth Harmony just won something. They seem thrilled. I swear I never heard of them until 30-seconds ago, although they apparently have fans called “Harmonizers.” Seriously. In addition, I have lost all touch with modern music, and I am in no way saddened by this revelation. On a positive note, the cameras cut to 5 Seconds of Summer in the audience and they seemed disgusted. Perhaps there’s hope after all.

9:24pm – Iggy Azalea has arrived. On the all-time list of Iggys, she ranks a distant third behind Iggy Pop and that comic strip dude. Wait. That’s Ziggy. Never mind. On a related note, I swear she’s had butt implants. I ask you seriously, who likes booties that fat? When I was young ladies tried to avoid that sort of chunkiness. Just an observation. Perhaps my time has passed.

9:32pm – Maroon 5 was just introduced and praised for their “catchy hooks” and “soaring vocals.” Really? And by the way, I guarantee you that not one person reading this can name another Maroon 5 member besides Adam Levine. Go ahead. Name one. You can’t.

9:37pm – Jimmy Fallon has arrived and is yammering on about something. I like Jimmy, but at 40-years old he’s hopelessly out of his element here. As am I.

9:38pm – Audience shot of that Grande chick. She has no idea who Jimmy Fallon is.

9:40pm – The Video of the Year (videos still exist?) goes to Miley Cyrus for “Wrecking Ball” and she has brought a so-called homeless dude to the stage to accept. This is in no way a gratuitous and self-serving act on Miley’s part. Then again, it probably beats dry-humping Robin Thicke, which is what she did last year. Keep being you, Hanna Montana.

9:46pm – Beyoncé (or “Bey” as the kids call her) is on stage! OMIGOD! And there’s flames and fog and all sorts of things! Is it just me or do her songs have no melody? I swear they don’t. It’s all twerking and humping and whatnot. Just imagine how good Bob Dylan would have been had he twerked and grinded and stuff. He could’ve been way better. Anyway, have I mentioned I’m not a Bey fan? And ladies and gentlemen, that is the finale. Sigh.

10:00pm – And it’s over. Jay-Z has taken the stage to join Beyoncé, and he has pronounced her to be “The Greatest Living Entertainer.” Sorry Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Elton John, and the rest of you living has-beens.

Good God. I need a nap.