Cool Animal of the Day: Jonathan, The World’s Oldest Known Animal

Check out Jonathan, the oldest damn animal in the world. Jonathan is a Seychelles Giant Tortoise and has lived through a lot. I mean, this dude was born in 1832 and has lived through the the Civil War, both World Wars, 9/11 and that God awful 2020 Super Bowl Halftime Show. Hell, Jonathan was born before Albert Einstein, Mahatma Ghandi, Vincent Van Gogh, Thomas Edison and freakin’ Betty White.

At 188-years old he’s now living a relaxing life on the remote island of St. Helena in the South Atlantic, just chillin’ like a villain in the sun whilst eating grass and weeds and stuff.

And get this – Jonathan is so popular on St. Helena that his portrait is on the back of the island’s five pence coin. That’s cool. Anywho, Jonathan the World’s Oldest Known Animal.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Tiny Horse

Aw, man. Check out those Tiny Horses. Just adorable as hell. Tiny Horses, also known as Miniature Horses, were first developed in Europe in the 1600s and . . . ah, screw it. Just enjoy these photos. Anywho, Tiny Horses.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Jabiru Stork

Dude, that’s a 5-foot tall stork, bigger than a damn 6th grader. I’m telling you man, the glaring, dark stare of a 5-foot tall stork can be a frightening thing for a weary traveler. These bad boys can exhibit territorial tendencies, as seen in an infamous incident that occurred at the Belize Zoo. Their stork exhibit now features a roof above the visitor viewing platform after a Jabiru Stork tried to stab an unsuspecting patron with its freakin’ 14-inch-long bill. Jeebus. Jabiru storks are native to Central and South America, where they typically feed on small mammals, fish, amphibians and the ocassional lost toddler. Anywho, Jabiru Stork.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Flower Mantis

Check out that Flower Mantis, man. How have I missed this guy? Just stunningly beautiful like you read about. The little dude climbs up twigs of plants and sits there, imitating a flower and patiently waiting for its prey. It then sways from side to side, and soon various small flies land on and around it, attracted by the small black spot resembling a fly on the end of its abdomen. The Flower Mantis at once seizes the bug and the party’s over. Diabolical. Anywho, Flower Mantis.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Stinkbird

The Stinkbird is also know as The Hoatzin, which sounds a helluva lot more classy than Stinkbird. They’re found in swamps, forests, and mangroves of the Amazon. These guys are really noisy, letting out hoarse calls including groans, croaks, hisses and grunts, which in turn limits the number of party invitations they receive. And get this: Stinkbirds are born with a claw on their wing that acts as a thumb, enabling them to climb through trees. Oddly though, by the time they reach adulthood the claw is gone. That’s Nutso City man. Anywho, Stinkbird.

Note: I found no evidence that the Stinkbird does in fact stink. Go figure.

Cool Animal of the Day: The Umbonia Spinosa

KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE! Seriously, what the hell? I thought Umbonia Spinosa was a dictator in some Central American country or something. No, it’s actually a bug sometimes known as a Treehopper or Thorn Bug. They feed on tree sap, which is a relief because I was guessing human flesh. They’re considered a pest because they kill trees by sucking the sap out of them and also because they’re ugly as hell and resemble a space alien. Thank you and sweet dreams. Anywho, Umbonia Spinosa.