Posts Tagged ‘Relationships’

Rare photo of a perfect couple.

So I found this list on another blog, a site called Staked in the Heart, which is maintained by Carolina Courtland down in the Lone Star State. Anyway, Carolina ran across an interesting list that had been compiled by a woman blogger. This list included 27 requirements that her next man must meet. 27? Good God. I compiled my own requirements of a woman by the way, which can be read down below. Trust me, it’s a lot shorter. So, I thought it might be fun to go through her list and see if I might be dating material for this lady. Wish me luck! My comments will be italicized.

Let us proceed to her list:

1. Honesty/Integrity/Loyalty/Sincerity/Values/Priorities – No flirting with other women allowed.

Wait. That’s just one? Jeebus. That’s way too much to expect from one guy, amirite? I mean, I think I can be all of those things, just not all at once. In addition, I’m a little fuzzy on the priorities thing. I’m assuming she means she should be the top priority? And the flirting thing is just dumb. Flirting never hurt anybody. Wait. Never mind.

2. Best Friend/Confidant.

Oh Gawd. I have to be all those things in #1, and now I have to be your best friend too? In addition, I’m always suspicious of people who say they’re “looking for a best friend” in a relationship. See, these are two completely seperate deals. Your best friend should be there for you to talk to when you want to say something you can’t say to your wife or girlfriend in the first place, right? If she’s your best friend, who do you go to, say, after an argument? It just doesn’t work on any level. I’m sorry, but there are certain things best discussed with somebody else.

3. Confident/Secure.

Well, I think I’m pretty confident and secure, but everybody has a vulnerable side, no? I thought women were supposed to like it when you cried? Not so much then? Women are confusing.

Note to self: Never watch “Marley and Me” with future dates. That death scene gets me every time.

4. Self-awareness.

Huh? Aren’t we all self-aware? You know, except the Kardashians? Isn’t a 3-toed sloth self-aware? It knows it’s slow, right? I’m getting a headache.

5. Humility – knows/accepts when he’s done or said something wrong and can apologize (no excuses, but rather reasons).

Score! I’m great at the apologizing thing. So this will work with you, honey, and get me off the hook after I screw-up? Call me.

6. Responsible/Dependable.

I wonder if one out of two will work on this one. I’m pretty dependable depending on the expectations, like showing up for work, being on time for stuff and whatnot. However, the responsibility thing has been an issue a million few times in the past.

7. Chemistry/Passion/Intensity/Sexual Compatibility.

Must . . . be . . . careful . . . here. The problem is that everybody has physical chemistry/passion/intensity/compatability in the beginning. It’s later, when all the newness wears off and you have to, you know, actually talk and communicate with each other that more important things come into play, like being compatible intellectually and emotionally. On a related note, that was one of the longest sentences ever.

8. Respectful.

Does she mean to her or people in general? Because respect is earned, right? Or does she mean opening doors for her and stuff like that? Should I call her Ma’am? Bow my head as she passes? Curtsy? Once again, clarification is needed to be sure I pass this one.

9. Non-procrastinator.

I’ll get to this one later. Hey-O! Too easy.

10. Must be good to me and FOR me (as well as for my children…i.e. male figure, role model).

Jeez lady, ya think? Do you really have to write down that you have to have someone who will be nice to you and your kids? Who have you been dating, Charles Manson? Also, I need clarification on the difference between being good FOR you and TO you. I mean, parsnips can be good FOR you. I have no idea where I’m going with this. On to #11.

11. Enjoys snuggling/kissing/PDA.

Big snuggler here, not a problem. I’m King of the Cuddlers. As for the PDA, I’m a little torn on that one. If you’re talkin’ holding hands or putting an arm around your shoulder I’m with ya. Pinning you to the wall in a restaurant? Well, there’s a time and place for that, you know? 7:00 AM in an IHOP m-i-g-h-t be a little weird.

12. Social/Work/Hobbies/Alone Time.

What does this even mean? That there should be a balance between these four? If so I’m cool with it. And by “alone time” does she mean alone time for me or her? If it’s for me, I support this wholeheartedly.

13. E.Q. – the ability to correctly assess the emotions and oneself and those with whom one interacts.

I actually just took an online Emotional Intelligence Test to see what this was all about. Apparently a lot of the Fortune 500 companys give these to their job applicants. Here are my results:

Your results indicate a high score on emotional intelligence. People who score high on emotional intelligence tend to be skilled at interpreting, understanding, and acting upon emotions.  They are adept at dealing with social or emotional conflicts, expressing their feelings, and dealing with emotional situations.

Hear that? I’m adept and all that stuff. Who passed requirement #13 with flying colors? This guy.

14. Conversation/Communication skills.

If I like you, I’m quite the conversationalist and communicator, perhaps  even charming. If I don’t like you, not so much. Unfortunately I only like about 7.3 % of the people I meet. That’s an unofficial percentage but I feel supremely confident in my estimate.

15. Shares all household responsibilities (cooking/cleaning/bills etc).

Ruh-roh. I may be in some trouble here. Let’s see . . . I’m a helluva sweeper and I hate a messy house so I keep things neat, but I can’t cook worth a damn. I wish I could, but microwave dinners, hotdogs and peanut butter sandwiches just about cover it for me. Ooh, wait! I also make an outstanding Cheez Whiz/Cheez-It toasted sandwich which I’m pretty sure I invented. If you didn’t like me before that put me right over the top, didn’t it?

16. Ambition/Dreams/Goals.

Sorry sweetie, my life-long dream of being a world famous rock ‘n’ roll record producer has long since been surrendered to the mists of time. Does it count that I love what I do for a living? As for goals, I’m just shootin’ for tomorrow.

17. Non-abusive.

Seriously? Again, did she really have to add this to her list? Sweet Jesus, I’d hate to see what kind of asshats this woman has been dating.

18. Vulnerable.

I believe I addressed this in #3. You know, the Confident/Secure requirement. So, to reiterate. She wants a man who is confident, yet vulnerable. That’s not asking for much. Seriously though, I’ve been in relationships where it seems like the moment I opened up and showed my sensitive side things started going south. Sometimes I think women talk a good game about wanting a vulnerable man, but in reality they prefer the tough, edgy, bad guy. They love to break through that hard exterior and find your soft side, then when they find it they’re not so fond of what they see. For those really attracted to vulnerability though, you should probably know there’s a tear in my eye as I write this.

19-20. Compassionate/Empathetic.

I took the liberty of combining these two although I know they’re a little different. But we all want these qualities in somebody we’re in a relationship with, right? For that reason alone it’s just dumb to include them. I mean really, whose looking for a merciless and unsympathetic soul mate, anyway?

21. Willingness to grow.

This is all fine and dandy unless her version of “growing” doesn’t match my definition of “growing.” If she means trying a new dish or listening to a new artist I’m down for it. If she means watching the entire series of Star Trek: Deep Space 9 then I’m probably out.

22. Boundaries.

Boundaries schmoundaries. Again, that’s one of those therapy psychobabble buzzwords that really mean “Know your place, mister.” Still, as long as the boundary doesn’t stop at third base I can roll with it. Kidding.

23. Work Ethic.

What the hell is this, an interview to be a cowhand or something? Am I putting in a freaking patio for this lady? Good God. Isn’t holding an honest job enough?

24. Enriching/Challenging/Nurturing.

Enriching? What am I, fertilizer? Nurturing? Can you say daddy issues? Challenging? Oh, I got that covered. Honey, the challenge is to keep this thing interesting and exciting.

25. Financial stability.

I’m a teacher. I’m not rich. Not even close. Deal with it.

26. Sense of humor.

Der. If you don’t find me hilarious by now you’ve wasted 10-minutes of your life you can never get back.

27. And maybe even more….

Seriously, for #27 she actually had the nerve to threaten us with this line: “Maybe even more.” What could it possibly be? “Must have heart of gold, abs of steel and a $10,000,000 bank account?” Comedy gold I tell ya.

As I mentioned up top, after much thought and consideration I compiled my own list of requirements for that special someone. Here ’tis:

1. Must be intelligent.

2. Must be able to make me laugh.

3. Must be reasonably attractive.

4. Must be in reasonably good shape.

5. Must be nice to me.

6. Must love dogs, especially a certain 20-pound Jack Russell Terrier that I would die for.

End of list.

So, do you agree that this lady’s list is a little over the top? Or is this common thinking among women? I’m curious to know, cause I’m 99.9% sure this woman is never going to find her perfect guy, if such a creature exists.


Originally published on May 12th, 2013.

The names in the following anecdote have been changed to protect the innocent. Except mine of course. That would just be silly. Not to mention I’m not very innocent . . .

So I was chatting with some kids at lunch today when a 5th grade girl walks up to me. Here’s the conversation:

Me: “Hey Carlee. What’s up?”

Carlee: “Hey Mr. Shoe. Not much.”

Me: “How are you and Mason getting along?”

Carlee: “Oh, we broke up on Sunday.”

Me: “Oh, too bad. Everything O.K.?”

Carlee: “Yeah, I’m good. Things are a lot more peaceful when you’re single.”

Wow. Wise beyond her years huh? Were truer words ever spoken? If I would’ve had Carlee’s insight when I was 11 it could have saved me and a few other people one helluva lot of trouble.

Amen Carlee. Amen.

Sad Happy Face.

Letdowns. They happen randomly all the time. They’ll just wallop ya when you least expect it, right upside the back of the head. I’m not talking about something like The Hangover Part II or, you know, that birthday when you were 9-years old and wanted a BB Gun but got a Hungry Hippos game instead and went to your room and cried and . . . wait. Never mind. The point is letdowns suck. That said, here are a few letdowns that I’ve experienced . . .

I was in Las Vegas a few years ago with an ex, and she’d never been to the Sin City before. Naturally, she hit a Royal Flush on one of the Video Blackjack machines the very first day. Woohoo! Happiness, hugs and high-fives all-around. At that point I told her to stay with the machine until I got somebody to pay her off. I found a casino floor person lady to come over, and here’s the conversation that transpired:

Me: “Hey, she just hit a Royal Flush! She won $1,200.00! Show her the money! Woohoo!”

Lady, looking closely at the machine: “Honey, she didn’t win $1,200.00. She won $120,000.00.”

Stunned silence for approximately 7.3-seconds.

Next, I’m looking frantically around, trying to figure out what I’d missed. Was it one of those progressive machines? Was this some sort of a special machine and I didn’t notice? Was I dreaming? Had I gone batshit crazy? None of it mattered, we’d just won $120,000.00!!!

Incidentally, at this point I’m pretty sure I did the Hammer Dance across the casino floor and back.

Anyway, we’re hugging and jumping up and down, generally acting like idiots, and I may or may not have kissed an elderly gentlemen who happened by. But, unbeknownst to us the lady had bent over and taken a closer look at the machine. Then I feel a pecking on my shoulder, turn around, and hear these soul-crushing words:

“Honey, you were right. She only won $1,200.00. My mistake.”

So, in a matter of 3-minutes, Casino Lady had made $1,200.00 seem like 12¢, effectively shattering the moment and my world as I knew it.


Another time long time ago my Dad took me aside and we had this conversation:

Dad, excitedly: “Hey, how would you and (name redacted) like to go with Mom and I to New York City? We’ll stay for 3-days in a nice hotel, see the sights, everything paid for by us of course. It’ll be great.”

Me: “Hell yes! We’re in! When do we leave?”

Dad: “Well, we’ve already asked your sister and brother-in-law, but if they can’t go you guys are in.”

Then he walked away. I swear that happened. We were the backup plan.


Relationship letdowns are the worst, amirite? Like maybe, just maybe, you begin seeing someone and you think, “Wow, we could have a pretty nice thing going on here.” Then, on about your 7th date you start getting bad vibes. You know, little signs that things aren’t what they seem. Maybe a snide remark or criticism here and there. It could be a drop in the amount of affection coming your way. Or it could be something more serious. Maybe your date drops a subtly racist comment or something that sort of stops you in your tracks and you’re thinking, “Uh . . . oh.”

Please understand I’m speaking from personal experience here talking hypothetically here. The women I’ve had relationships with have been flawless in every way (wink-wink). But you know what I mean. In the beginning everything is new and both of you are on your best behavior, then as time goes by you kind of start acting like your normal self. At that point you either sink or swim, and I’ve hit the bottom several times. Also understand I’m totally cognizant of my responsibility in these relationships as well. I’ve let down far too many people in my life and I’m not proud of it. To be honest, the failures of my relationships have been largely my fault. Still, I like to think I’ve learned a lot from my screw-ups, making me a better man ultimately. Well, at least I like to think that whether it’s true or not. In addition . . .

Hold on. Jeebus, what am I doing? I actually opened up there for a second. What the hell? I’m losing my mojo right before your very eyes.

On a related note, have you ever dated somebody, only to break up after a few weeks? And then you run into them months later, thinking to yourself, “Wow, she looks really good and is being so nice.” Then, you ask them out again only to realize 17-minutes into the date why you broke up in the first place? Yeah, me too. That sort of blows.

I just realized this blog could never end. Hell, we’ve all had our share of disappointments and letdowns. It’s a part of life. You tough it out and move on, right? After all, you can’t hang on to the disappointment of not getting that BB Gun forever, can you?

Can you?