Chainsaw Woods Dweller Attacks Insurance Office Workers!

Once again, nobody writes headlines like me. You’re welcome.

Police are hunting for a man who attacked five people with a chainsaw in the Swiss town of Schaffhausen. Franz Wrousis is alleged to have launched his assault at a health insurance office shortly after 10:30 local time (08:30 GMT). The attack sparked a manhunt involving more than 100 officers from both Switzerland and Germany. Police say the 51-year-old, who lives in the woods, is dangerous and believed to be still armed with the chainsaw. His exact motives are still not clear, but police Major Ravi Landolt told a news conference: “This is not an attack against a hypothetical person. This is clearly against people from the insurer.”

Whew. Glad Franz Wrousis was only going after a “hypothetical person” and not, you know, an “actual person.” Sure that meant a lot to the folks getting attacked by a man with a freaking chainsaw. But hey, you’d be a little edgy too if every time you had to fill in the address box on every freaking form you ever signed as “the woods.” Bummer, man. And I wonder how long it took the po-po to figure out they’d better list this guy as “dangerous.” Guess the chainsaw had something to do with that.

Anyhoo, just remember, kids. Chainsaws don’t kill people. People kill people.

PS- Is this his mug shot? Way to keep it simple, Switzerland.

This is the face you have when you sleep in a pile of leaves every night.