Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

Or maybe you do. What the hell do I know? Anywho, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied did some intensive research and came up with these fascinating true facts about Easter. Enjoy . . .

  1. Since time immemorial, the egg has been considered the symbol of rebirth. On a related note, that’s the first time I’ve ever used the word “immemorial” on this website.
  2. The first Easter baskets were designed to give them an appearance of bird’s nests. Seems obvious but I’m not sure it ever occurred to me.
  3. The custom of giving eggs at Easter time has been traced back from Egyptians, Gaul, Persians, Greeks and Romans, to whom the egg was a symbol of life. You know, rebirth and all that as I mentioned above.
  4. The Easter Egg originated like this – during medieval times, a festival of egg throwing was held in church during which the priest would throw a hard-boiled egg to one of the choirboys. It would then be tossed from one choirboy to the next and whoever held the egg when the clock struck 12:00 was the winner and would keep the egg. Hey, it doesn’t sound that fun but throwing eggs in church would be sort of cool.
  5. The first chocolate egg recipes were made in Europe in the nineteenth century.
  6. Each year nearly 90-million chocolate bunnies are made, but that pales in comparison to the 700-million peeps that are made. Yowza.
  7. When it comes to eating of chocolate bunnies, 76% of people eat the ears first, because of course they do.
  8. The Easter Bunny is thought to have started in Germany during the Middle Ages. For some reason this surprises me.
  9. 88% of American families celebrate Easter.
  10. Here’s a good one. Peep connoisseurs swear that by letting them breath for a few days out in the open air, it produces a crunchy outside and a chewy inside.
  11. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest Easter egg ever made was unveiled in Cortenuova, Italy in 2011 weighing in at 8,968 lbs. Holy Smokes that’s a big egg.
  12. Eggs contain nearly every nutrient known to be essential to humans. If you really think about what an egg is that makes perfect sense.
  13. After Halloween, Easter is the top-selling candy holiday. Arbor Day? Dead last.*

* I have no idea if that last one was true but it seems right.

 

Well Kentucky, that’s mean-spirited.

CNNThe Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order banvalMonday that banned the celebration of Valentine’s Day across the country ‘with immediate effect.’

The order prohibits the display of adverts on electronic and print media that reference Valentine’s Day, bans the sale of associated merchandise and states that the day cannot be celebrated in “any public space or government building.”

Listen, I have to be honest. Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday. Total fraud of a holiday. I know, I know, the ladies love getting flowers and candy and whatnot. But wasn’t Valentine’s Day basically invented by the flower and candy companies to make a buck? Wait. Maybe that was that Sweetest Day? Doesn’t matter. Bottom line, Pakistan has it figured out. Just ban the damn holiday. Pakistani men everywhere are rejoicing.

PS- Pakistan took a major credibility hit when we basically waltzed into their country without telling them, killed Bin Laden, and waltzed back out. This is a savvy first move on the road back to respectability. Well played Pakistan.

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A guy told his grandma he wanted 100 things from the Dollar Store for Christmas. Grandma doesn’t like to be challenged.

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Some dude bought this for his brother. Inside was a gift card.

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Guess who was in charge of getting mom’s Christmas present this year? Rachel.

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Tina is 24 and doesn’t live with her parents. This is what they got her for Christmas.

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This guy got his dad a blanket with his picture on it because he always wanted to give someone a blanket with his picture on it.

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Seth is 27 and still living with his parents. This is what they got him for Christmas.

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Jackson wanted beats for Christmas. His parents delivered.

The man dressed as Santa Claus and walking along Stevens Road in santa-shot-pellet-gun-facebookSoutheast Washington saw three babies peering at him from a window, and he did what any Santa would do. Pumped with holiday cheer, he turned, waved and shouted the traditional festive greeting.

“Man, this is awesome,” Xavier Hawkins exclaimed on Christmas Eve morning, as he prepared to hand out presents to 800 needy children. “Oh, yes, Merry . . .”

But before the 50-year-old from Maryland’s Eastern Shore could say “Christmas,” a sharp pain cut through his upper back. The driver for the global moving firm Interstate, and Santa for seven consecutive years, had been hit with at least one blast from a pellet gun.

The wound was minor — a large welt — and Hawkins was quickly treated at a hospital and released.

Honestly, what kind of sick S.O.B. takes a shot at Santa Claus? That’s cold-hearted, man. Diabolical. Poor Santa just out there trying to spread some Christmas cheer and gets popped with a pellet gun. Good to know that a shot to the back won’t take Santa down though. Dude was Ho-Ho-Hoing even as they drove him away in the ambulance. That’s dedication right there.

Anyhoo, check out the video below:

Honestly, Santa is terrifying, amirite?

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Great song.

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Cute in a horrifying sort of way.

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Well, hell.

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And this bro is really into it, man.

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bearshopSigh.

Once again I’ve had a run-in with a weird shopper. Here’s what went down . . .

So I travel up to the Tanger Outlets, a mall near where I live here in Southern Ohio. The mall gets shoppers from Cincinnati, Dayton and Columbus and sort of sits in the middle of all three cities. I went up to look for a sporty winter coat, and I scored a sweet Adidas number that was perfect for the price. Adidas is having a helluva sale by the way. Anyhoo, before I found my coat I was in the Nike store looking for the same thing. At one point I spotted something I thought I might like, so I took off the coat I had on, a leather jacket, and hung it on the side of a nearby rack. Not on a hanger, mind you, just over the end of one of the rods the hangers hang on. On a related note, man was that was an awkward sentence.

So I try the coat on, take a gander in the mirror and realize it wasn’t for me. I then put the coat back on its hanger, turn around, reach for my coat . . . and it wasn’t there.

Actually it was there, but not where I left it. That’s because it was on some bro’s back. Yep, you guessed it.

Some guy was wearing my coat. 

Said bro was admiring himself in the same mirror I’d just used, doing the little spin-move pirouette thingy as he checked out his look. I gazed bemusedly at the dude for a second, wondering #1, what would be the proper response in this situation, and #2, how in the hell did he think that well-worn non-sporty Nike Swooshless coat would be sold in a Nike store?

I guess I should have simply said something along the lines of, “Hey, that’s my coat” but that seemed sort of unoriginal. Instead this conversation commenced:

“You like that coat?”

“Yeah, I think I do. What do you think?”

“I like it a lot. Because it’s mine.”

“Haha! Honestly, I think I’m buying it.”

“Haha! No you’re not. It’s mine. Seriously. My cell phone’s in that pocket right there. So’s my money clip. Take it off.”

At that point the guy pats the pocket I’m pointing to, freezes with a look of shock for a second, then proceeds to shuck my coat with the speed of an electron.*

*Electrons are fast.

My coat was then handed back to me along with an abundance of apologies of which I accepted graciously. Well, graciously for me anyway. I may or may not have muttered “idiot” at one point under my breath, but that’s neither here nor there.

Before I left though, I had to ask:

“If you really like this coat I’ll sell it to you for $200.”

Dude thought for a minute, then said “No thanks, man. Appreciate the offer though.”

Then, since it was the holidays, “$150?” Hey, I was feeling all Christmasy and whatnot.

“Mmmm, no thank you.”

Alright man. Have a good Christmas.

“You too.”

Then he walked away.

What can I say? Just another weird shopping encounter for yours truly.

PS – The guy actually made a smart move. I’d seen the same coat at Wilson’s Leather Store for $89.99. 

PPS – I hated myself for a few minutes, but it passed. Merry Christmas!

 

 

This video is 9-years old but I swear to you it never gets old. I literally laugh out loud every single time I see it. Seeing someone hurt themselves in a Santa Suit is always 100-times funnier than seeing a regular person fail. That’s Humor 101.

Perhaps in another dimension this is the way it looks.

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Sure.

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Damn straight.

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Funny stuff.

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Better than the real thing.

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I know, I know, more history stuff. What can I tell you? I love it, and holidays herolike the 4th of July give me an excuse to preach it. I simply cannot fathom how anybody could find history boring. This stuff happened, man! You like reality TV? This is the ultimate reality! Today I give you my Top 7 favorite Revolutionary War heroes. There will be no Georges, no Thomas Js, no Ben “The Sex Machine” Franklins. These are people you may not have heard about, yet had an amazing impact on the future of our country. In no particular order (although I do  have a soft spot for Dicey Langston), let us commence . . .

TIMOTHY MURPHY

Hell yes, Timothy Murphy was a Revolutionary War hero. Timothy was the most famous marksman of his day, and America’s very first famous military sniper.

As a young man Murphy was indentured to a wealthy family (the Van Campens) and went with them to Wyoming County, Pennsylvania. Indenturing was a common practice at the time. Look it up. Anyway, that area was virtually the center of the wilderness back then then, and young Tim was exposed to frequent Indian raids, with their scalping, home burning and whatnot. He grew up, out of necessity, an accomplished frontiersman. Anywho, he joined the cause of the revolution and the folks in charge soon realized this cat was one helluva shot with the old long rifle.

In 1777 he was selected as one of 500 hand picked riflemen to go with General Daniel Morgan to Upstate New York and help stop General John Burgoyne and his invading British Army. Tim not only helped defeat the British, but was a major contributor in the big win. As the battles around Saratoga raged the British were being rallied by Brigadier General Simon Fraser, a badass in his own right. Long story short, Timothy Murphy climbed a nearby tree, found a comfortable notch to rest his rifle, took careful aim at a distance of 300 (some say 500!) yards, and squeezed off a shot. General Fraser tumbled from his horse like a bag of lug nuts, and the Continental Army got a big-time boost.

Note: Some historians question the legitimacy of the legend of Tim Murphy. I say those fun-haters can go straight to hell.

FRANCIS MARION

You know one of the reasons we won the Revolutionary War was because we fought dirty, right? Guerilla Warfare if you will? See, the British fought in formed lines and stuff and we had bros like Timothy “Sure Shot” Murphy hanging out in trees and wrecking people like a boss. Well, this guy started all that craziness.

Marion was known as “The Old Swamp Fox,” partly because he was smart and partly because he smelled like an old swamp fox. He served in the Continental Army and the South Carolina militia, and was a “persistent adversary of the British.” The Old Swamp Fox resisted their occupation of South Carolina even after the Continental Army was driven out. He led brutal attacks against the British, using tactics like I mentioned above. Marion’s men rarely led frontal assaults, preferring instead to launch sneak attacks, quickly skirmishing and then retreating out of vision. Diabolical, man, and the Redcoats hated it. “No fair! No fair!” But all’s fair in love and war, right? And this was WAR. Bottom line, the Old Swamp Fox set the tone for the rest of the good guys.

WILLIAM DAWES & SAMUEL PRESCOTT

Yeah, I’m counting these two as one. Guess what? There were two other men helping Revere with his Midnight Ride. W-h-u-u-u-t? ‘Tis true, my fellow Americans. One was a young shoemaker, William Dawes, who also started from Boston but took a different route through Roxbury, Brookline and Cambridge. He successfully arrived to Lexington and met Revere in the home of Jonas Clark. The other person was Dr. Samuel Prescott, a resident of Concord. He started from Lexington after the meeting with Revere and was the only messenger who completed the mission all the way to Concord. Why does Paul Revere get all the publicity and street cred, you ask? Because of that damn poem by Longfellow. I guarantee Revere was easier to rhyme or something. Then again, maybe “Listen, my children, and you shall hear, Of the midnight ride of Paul Revere and William Dawes and Samuel Prescott” was a little too awkward. Sad really.

DICEY LANGSTON

Ah, Dicey. Love that name. Anywho, at 15-years of age Laodicea Langston shouldered a much bigger burden than the constant mispronunciation of her name. Seriously, how do you pronounce Laodicea? That’s just awful. It’s actually kind of amusing that she went by the nickname “Dicey,” though, as that is exactly how you could describe the circumstances she put herself in. Dicey was the daughter of a South Carolina Whig who found himself sought after by the Bloody Scouts, a gang of violent Tories (Tories were the bad guys). Anyway, the Tories suspected that Mr. Langston was spying on them and passing information to rebel forces, so they kept a close eye on Dicey’s family. On a related note, the Tories were exactly right. Dicey received word that the Bloody Scouts planned to attack a group of Whigs, including her three brothers, at a place called Little Eden. Not trusting anyone else with the information and apparently unfazed by the bloodthirsty mob of maniacs after her family, Dicey set out in the dead of night and crossed a raging river to warn her brothers of the ensuing attack. They were able to clear out the town quickly, and by the time the Bloody Scouts arrived in the morning there was nobody to attack. Then this happened – Dicey returned home only to find her father in another precarious situation: The Bloody Scouts, enraged about their revealed attack, assumed Mr. Langston had been in on it. They were ready to kill him, pointing a pistol at the old dude’s chest, but then Dicey stepped in between her father and the gun. This act of courage shook the Bloody Scouts to the point of respect, and they left peacefully. Dicey, man. Love that chick.

JEREMIAH O’BRIEN

In the spring of 1775, just as the initial fighting broke out at Lexington and Concord, the inhabitants of a small town in Maine were watching the coastline for two Bostonian ships carrying supplies the colony relied upon. When the much-needed supply ships pulled into port, the colonists were angry to discover that they were accompanied by an armed British ship called the Margaretta. The Margaretta, under the direction of a dude named Lieutenant Moore, was to be loaded with lumber and taken back to Boston to build quarters for those assclown Redcoats.

Understandably, the colonists were pissed. They planned was to hijack the ship and kidnap the captain and lieutenant, but this plan backfired when the British sensed the hostility and hightailed their asses out of there for the ocean. That’s when Mr. Jeremiah O’Brien entered the picture. He gathered 40-men and boarded one of the Bostonian supply boats, in hot pursuit of the British. Armed with pitchforks, axes, guns, swords, and perhaps some nunchucks, the colonists chased down the Margaretta, finally slamming into and boarding the schooner to engage in hand-to-hand combat with the British on board. The captain was killed and the British were defeated in this first sea battle of the Revolutionary War. U-S-A! U-S-A!

ABRAHAM WHIPPLE

Abraham Whipple was a naval commander who happened to be batshit crazy. Seriously, dude was nuts. He was the captain of the private ship Game Cock from 1759-1760, and he was so good at seafaring that he managed to capture 23 French ships in one six-month cruise alone. Good God. He was also the first to sink a British ship (the HMS Gaspée), the first to unfurl the Star Spangled Banner in London, and the first to build and successfully sail an ocean-going ship 2000 miles from Ohio to the West Indies. Incidentally, this opened trade to the Northwest Territory. Holy smokes, man. Abraham Whipple never stopped winning.

ABIGAIL ADAMS

Abigail was John Adams’s wife, the first Second Lady of the United States and the second First Lady of the United States. Get it? Anyway, her influence was over husband John was legendary. The letters she wrote to him while he was involved in the Continental Congresses almost exclusively deal in intellectual discussions on government and politics. Abigail’s political activity was so well-known that her and John’s opponents referred to her as “Mrs. President.” Before making big decisions in the White House, John often excused himself and would consult Abigail. On a related note, George Washington used to refer to John Adams as “Sir Whipped-a-Lot.” Seriously though, Abigail was the most influential presidential wife ever, until Nancy Reagan of course. She basically ran the country from 1985-1988. True story.

There ya go kids. Admit it. You’d never heard of Dicey Langston or Abraham Whipple before, now had ya? It’s OK. That’s why I’m here. Well, one of the reasons. Anyway, have a drink to these unsung heroes tomorrow, maybe throw in a moment of silence as you contemplate what they did for our country.

And hey, have a great Independence Day.

 

WOOHOOO . . . UH-OH.

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