Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

Good stuff.

So a damn thief stole a package off someone’s porch, and it turns out he picked the wrong house. This is because the someone was an engineer that happens to work for NASA and rigged the box in an epic manner. Dude put a glitter bomb and fart spray in that sucker, set to go off upon opening. Oh, and he had a hidden camera installed as well, so we can see the madness in all its glory. Trust me, it’s worth a look.

Seems sketchy and I have a few problems with it. First, “It’s a Wonderful Life” is the best Christmas movie and in not one state is it represented. That’s bogus. Secondly, “Die Hard” is not a Christmas movie and anyone who thinks so is confused, dumb, irrational, misinformed and quite possibly insane. And finally, “The Apartment”? “While You Were Sleeping”? Are these people high? Idjuts.

Listen, I love the movie “Elf.” I truly do. I believe I had Buddy at #2 on Shoe: Untied’s Top 5 Favorite Christmas Movie Characters. That’s quite an honor, man. However, I do have a problem with the movie, something that’s nagged at me for years. My problem is this – Buddy had lived in the North Pole for 30-years ( I know this because I looked it up. On Christmas Eve 1973, a baby boy crawled into Santa Claus’s sack at an orphanage and was unwittingly transported back to the North Pole). Anyway, what do elves do, like year-round? They build stuff. In all that time did they ever build anything for Buddy? They did not. Not once did Santa tell the elves to help ol’ Buddy out. Hell, they make toys for millions of kids in a year, man. They could have thrown together some Buddy-sized stuff in an afternoon, yet for over 20-years of his life he slept in a tiny bed, sat in tiny chairs, showered in a tiny shower and had to suffer the indignity of using a tiny toilet. Outrageous.

Bottom line, Santa and his elves were selfish assholes and I can’t get past it.

100% accurate.

On a related note, I hate this guy.

You are welcome.

The story began when a guy named Jamal Hinton received a random text from a woman named Wanda Dench. Seems Wanda had texted him mistakenly. Here’s here initial text:

 

Jamal, perplexed, of course asked who the heck was sending him this text, since he knew no Amanda nor Justin. He was answered, and the following conversation ensued:

Wanda complied:

Of course Jamal couldn’t resist responding, and Wanda did too:

So, this happened:

Long story short, the initial text came in 2016 and Jamal has gone to his second grandma’s house every year since:

I’ve never understood racism and I never will, but in these sensitive times a story of how one kind, simple gesture can lead to a friendship sure makes me feel good.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Well, maybe not everything, but a hell of a lot.

Let us review the facts and fiction of Thanksgiving:

FACT: The Mayflower did bring the Pilgrims to North America from Plymouth, England, in 1620, and they disembarked at what is now Plymouth, Mass., where they set up a colony. In 1621, they celebrated a successful harvest with a 3-day gathering that was attended by members of the Wampanoag tribe. It’s from this that we derive Thanksgiving as we know it. However . . .

FICTION: The feast wasn’t actually the first Thanksgiving. It wasn’t until the 1830s that this event was even called the first Thanksgiving by New Englanders who looked back and thought it would be a good idea. Heck, the holiday wasn’t made official until 1863, when President Abraham Lincoln declared it as a kind of thank you for the Civil War victories in Vicksburg and Gettysburg.

In any event, claiming it was the “first Thanksgiving” isn’t quite right as both Native American and European societies had been holding festivals to celebrate successful harvests for centuries. Maybe first for the English in the New World, but that’s about it.

FICTION: The town of Plymouth was created by pilgrims clearing land and starting a village from scratch. Plymouth was already a village with clear fields and a spring when the Pilgrims found it. Why was it available? Because every single native person who had been living there had been wiped out by a plague, namely smallpox.

FICTION: The pilgrims came to America seeking religious freedom. The Pilgrims already had religious freedom in Holland, where they first arrived in the early 17th century. Like those who settled Jamestown, Va., in 1607, the Pilgrims came to North America to make money. Shocking but not really.

FICTION: Pilgrims called themselves pilgrims. False. They called themselves Separatists. In fact, the term Pilgrims didn’t surface until around 1880.

FICTION: Everyone dined at a long table with a white tablecloth. The partiers most likely sat in small groups around fires, eating geese or duck. Also, it seems weird but forks hadn’t been invented yet. Folks ate with their fingers.

FICTION: The Puritan Pilgrims didn’t drink alcohol. Pilgrims loved a good beer. No doubt ale was plentiful thanks to a recently harvested barley crop.

FICTION: The Indians thought highly of Pilgrim intelligence since the English citizens brought with them advanced technology. Nope. The Pilgrims may have had durable shoes, woven clothes and powerful muskets, but their lack of survival skills earned them little respect among the Native Americans. Massasoit considered the Pilgrims “as a little child.”

FICTION: The first Thanksgiving took place in November. The exact date isn’t known, but the feast we celebrate on the fourth Thursday in November likely occurred in late September or early October, shortly after the harvest of such fall crops as corn, beans, squash and barley.

FACT: It is true that the celebration was an exceptional and unusual cross-cultural moment, with food, games and prayer. Native Americans had been growing food for the colony nearby for awhile, so they more than likely ambled over for some chow. In fact, they probably outnumbered the English 2-1.

FACT: Squanto did in fact help the English. His people, the Patuxet, had lived on the site where the Pilgrims settled. When they arrived, he became a translator for them with other native people and showed them the most effective method for planting corn and the best locations to fish.

FICTION: Squanto’s story is a happy one. In fact, he was captured by the English in 1614 and sold into slavery in Spain. He spent several years in England, where he learned English. He returned to New England in 1619, only to find his entire Patuxet tribe dead from smallpox. He met the Pilgrims in March 1621.

FICTION: Turkey and pie was served at the “First Thanksgiving.” The truth is that there was no mention of turkey being there, and there was no pie either. Settlers lacked butter and wheat flour for a crust, and they had no oven for baking. What is known is that the Pilgrims harvested crops and that the Wampanoag brought five deer. There were plenty of turkey around, but settlers preferred duck or goose.

Oh, and there’s one more truth that was ignored for hundreds of years, and that is the fact that entire races of Native Americans were wiped out by Europeans due to disease and outright murder.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

 

Cool.

There’s a unique twist on a popular Halloween treat.

The Westallion Brewing Company in West Allis, Wisconsin debuted a candy corn beer just for the fall.

But is it a trick or a treat?

They say the beer is based on a typical cream ale, with malts and sugars. A house-made candy corn flavoring is then mixed in.

It’ll be on the tap at the brewery through the end of October.

Listen, I’m not a big fan of these special holiday concoctions. You can take your pumpkin beer and pumpkin spiced Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes and shove them up your ass for all I care. That said, probably my favorite Halloween candy is Candy Corn. Just sugary goodness all day every way. Melts in your mouth like you read about. But guess what? I have to draw the line at Candy Corn Beer, man. That sounds disgusting. What’s next, pumpkin flavored cottage cheese?

Son of a bitch.

Yes kids, our crack staff here at Shoe: Untied is here for you once again. We’ve scoured the worldwide interweb to come up with the Top 10 2018 children’s Halloween costumes for you, our loyal readers. We have ranked said costumes from 10 to 1, because we’re here for you. Let us commence . . .

#10 – Gandhi

Nothing like dressing your kid up as the symbol for India’s independence, amirite? Good call.

#9 – Pillsbury Doughboy

Are you calling your kid fat? Perhaps. But it’s OK. Totally worth it.

#8 – Hannibal Lecter

Because dressing your kid up as a fictional movie serial killer is always a great idea.

#7 – A Taco

Because why the hell not? Tacos be tasty.

#6 – Walter White & Jesse Pinkman

Because you’re willing to shave your kid’s head, right? Right? LOVED Breaking Bad.

#5 – Old Woman

Simple but effective. Very effective. Also disturbing as hell.

#4 – Wilson the Volleyball

Everyone loved Wilson, the volleyball from Castaway, right? Look, it’s Wilson the volleyball from Castaway!

#3 – Dwight Schrute

If you’re not a fan of The Office you’re not a fan of mine and you can kiss my ass. That is all.

#2 – The Dude

Any avid reader of this site know I’m a fan of The Big Lebowsky, so I am thusly a fan of this costume. Rock on, dude.

#1 – Glowstick Boy

Shoot me, but I love me some Glowstick boy. Cannot help myself.

So there ya go, kids. Shoe: Untied’s Top 10 favorite Halloween costumes. Steal at your leisure.

Name a better Christmas gift than a puppy. You can’t.

“And all over town, little kids will get down.”

A sentimentally festive song about Santa being mugged by hooligans. Enjoy!

“Baby Jesus, born to rock.”

Love. It. Click photo and scroll, ya filthy animal.*

*Home Alone reference.

You’re welcome. Click to enlarge.

Well, hell. This sucks. Looks like Santa bought the farm yesterday. Just hit that tree full bore and crashed into the sand like a bag of dead elves. Kids in total shock, just aghast like you read about. And did you notice the rescuer who tried to be a first responder? A little dachshund. Then again, maybe saw a fresh dinner, who knows. Anyway, sorry kids. Santa’s dead.

Note: That “bag of dead elves” line was one of my best ever. Bringing my A game today, baby. 

Note 2: Love the one “naughty” kid laughing in the background.

Or maybe you do. What the hell do I know? Anywho, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied did some intensive research and came up with these fascinating true facts about Easter. Enjoy . . .

  1. Since time immemorial, the egg has been considered the symbol of rebirth. On a related note, that’s the first time I’ve ever used the word “immemorial” on this website.
  2. The first Easter baskets were designed to give them an appearance of bird’s nests. Seems obvious but I’m not sure it ever occurred to me.
  3. The custom of giving eggs at Easter time has been traced back from Egyptians, Gaul, Persians, Greeks and Romans, to whom the egg was a symbol of life. You know, rebirth and all that as I mentioned above.
  4. The Easter Egg originated like this – during medieval times, a festival of egg throwing was held in church during which the priest would throw a hard-boiled egg to one of the choirboys. It would then be tossed from one choirboy to the next and whoever held the egg when the clock struck 12:00 was the winner and would keep the egg. Hey, it doesn’t sound that fun but throwing eggs in church would be sort of cool.
  5. The first chocolate egg recipes were made in Europe in the nineteenth century.
  6. Each year nearly 90-million chocolate bunnies are made, but that pales in comparison to the 700-million peeps that are made. Yowza.
  7. When it comes to eating of chocolate bunnies, 76% of people eat the ears first, because if you did otherwise you’d be an uncivilized savage.
  8. The Easter Bunny is thought to have started in Germany during the Middle Ages. For some reason this surprises me.
  9. 88% of American families celebrate Easter.
  10. Here’s a good one. Peep connoisseurs swear that by letting them breath for a few days out in the open air, it produces a crunchy outside and a chewy inside.
  11. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest Easter egg ever made was unveiled in Cortenuova, Italy in 2011 weighing in at 8,968 lbs. Holy Smokes that’s a big egg.
  12. Eggs contain nearly every nutrient known to be essential to humans. If you really think about what an egg is that makes perfect sense.
  13. After Halloween, Easter is the top-selling candy holiday. Arbor Day? Dead last.*

* I have no idea if that last one was true but it seems right.

 

Well Kentucky, that’s mean-spirited.

CNNThe Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order banvalMonday that banned the celebration of Valentine’s Day across the country ‘with immediate effect.’

The order prohibits the display of adverts on electronic and print media that reference Valentine’s Day, bans the sale of associated merchandise and states that the day cannot be celebrated in “any public space or government building.”

Listen, I have to be honest. Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday. Total fraud of a holiday. I know, I know, the ladies love getting flowers and candy and whatnot. But wasn’t Valentine’s Day basically invented by the flower and candy companies to make a buck? Wait. Maybe that was that Sweetest Day? Doesn’t matter. Bottom line, Pakistan has it figured out. Just ban the damn holiday. Pakistani men everywhere are rejoicing.

PS- Pakistan took a major credibility hit when we basically waltzed into their country without telling them, killed Bin Laden, and waltzed back out. This is a savvy first move on the road back to respectability. Well played Pakistan.