Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

Name a better Christmas gift than a puppy. You can’t.

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“And all over town, little kids will get down.”

A sentimentally festive song about Santa being mugged by hooligans. Enjoy!

“Baby Jesus, born to rock.”

Love. It. Click photo and scroll, ya filthy animal.*

*Home Alone reference.

You’re welcome. Click to enlarge.

Well, hell. This sucks. Looks like Santa bought the farm yesterday. Just hit that tree full bore and crashed into the sand like a bag of dead elves. Kids in total shock, just aghast like you read about. And did you notice the rescuer who tried to be a first responder? A little dachshund. Then again, maybe saw a fresh dinner, who knows. Anyway, sorry kids. Santa’s dead.

Note: That “bag of dead elves” line was one of my best ever. Bringing my A game today, baby. 

Or maybe you do. What the hell do I know? Anywho, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied did some intensive research and came up with these fascinating true facts about Easter. Enjoy . . .

  1. Since time immemorial, the egg has been considered the symbol of rebirth. On a related note, that’s the first time I’ve ever used the word “immemorial” on this website.
  2. The first Easter baskets were designed to give them an appearance of bird’s nests. Seems obvious but I’m not sure it ever occurred to me.
  3. The custom of giving eggs at Easter time has been traced back from Egyptians, Gaul, Persians, Greeks and Romans, to whom the egg was a symbol of life. You know, rebirth and all that as I mentioned above.
  4. The Easter Egg originated like this – during medieval times, a festival of egg throwing was held in church during which the priest would throw a hard-boiled egg to one of the choirboys. It would then be tossed from one choirboy to the next and whoever held the egg when the clock struck 12:00 was the winner and would keep the egg. Hey, it doesn’t sound that fun but throwing eggs in church would be sort of cool.
  5. The first chocolate egg recipes were made in Europe in the nineteenth century.
  6. Each year nearly 90-million chocolate bunnies are made, but that pales in comparison to the 700-million peeps that are made. Yowza.
  7. When it comes to eating of chocolate bunnies, 76% of people eat the ears first, because of course they do.
  8. The Easter Bunny is thought to have started in Germany during the Middle Ages. For some reason this surprises me.
  9. 88% of American families celebrate Easter.
  10. Here’s a good one. Peep connoisseurs swear that by letting them breath for a few days out in the open air, it produces a crunchy outside and a chewy inside.
  11. According to the Guinness Book of World Records, the largest Easter egg ever made was unveiled in Cortenuova, Italy in 2011 weighing in at 8,968 lbs. Holy Smokes that’s a big egg.
  12. Eggs contain nearly every nutrient known to be essential to humans. If you really think about what an egg is that makes perfect sense.
  13. After Halloween, Easter is the top-selling candy holiday. Arbor Day? Dead last.*

* I have no idea if that last one was true but it seems right.

 

Well Kentucky, that’s mean-spirited.

CNNThe Islamabad High Court in Pakistan’s capital issued an order banvalMonday that banned the celebration of Valentine’s Day across the country ‘with immediate effect.’

The order prohibits the display of adverts on electronic and print media that reference Valentine’s Day, bans the sale of associated merchandise and states that the day cannot be celebrated in “any public space or government building.”

Listen, I have to be honest. Valentine’s Day is a fake holiday. Total fraud of a holiday. I know, I know, the ladies love getting flowers and candy and whatnot. But wasn’t Valentine’s Day basically invented by the flower and candy companies to make a buck? Wait. Maybe that was that Sweetest Day? Doesn’t matter. Bottom line, Pakistan has it figured out. Just ban the damn holiday. Pakistani men everywhere are rejoicing.

PS- Pakistan took a major credibility hit when we basically waltzed into their country without telling them, killed Bin Laden, and waltzed back out. This is a savvy first move on the road back to respectability. Well played Pakistan.

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A guy told his grandma he wanted 100 things from the Dollar Store for Christmas. Grandma doesn’t like to be challenged.

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Some dude bought this for his brother. Inside was a gift card.

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Guess who was in charge of getting mom’s Christmas present this year? Rachel.

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Tina is 24 and doesn’t live with her parents. This is what they got her for Christmas.

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This guy got his dad a blanket with his picture on it because he always wanted to give someone a blanket with his picture on it.

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Seth is 27 and still living with his parents. This is what they got him for Christmas.

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Jackson wanted beats for Christmas. His parents delivered.

The man dressed as Santa Claus and walking along Stevens Road in santa-shot-pellet-gun-facebookSoutheast Washington saw three babies peering at him from a window, and he did what any Santa would do. Pumped with holiday cheer, he turned, waved and shouted the traditional festive greeting.

“Man, this is awesome,” Xavier Hawkins exclaimed on Christmas Eve morning, as he prepared to hand out presents to 800 needy children. “Oh, yes, Merry . . .”

But before the 50-year-old from Maryland’s Eastern Shore could say “Christmas,” a sharp pain cut through his upper back. The driver for the global moving firm Interstate, and Santa for seven consecutive years, had been hit with at least one blast from a pellet gun.

The wound was minor — a large welt — and Hawkins was quickly treated at a hospital and released.

Honestly, what kind of sick S.O.B. takes a shot at Santa Claus? That’s cold-hearted, man. Diabolical. Poor Santa just out there trying to spread some Christmas cheer and gets popped with a pellet gun. Good to know that a shot to the back won’t take Santa down though. Dude was Ho-Ho-Hoing even as they drove him away in the ambulance. That’s dedication right there.

Anyhoo, check out the video below:

Honestly, Santa is terrifying, amirite?

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Great song.

u2comehome

Cute in a horrifying sort of way.

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Well, hell.

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And this bro is really into it, man.

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bearshopSigh.

Once again I’ve had a run-in with a weird shopper. Here’s what went down . . .

So I travel up to the Tanger Outlets, a mall near where I live here in Southern Ohio. The mall gets shoppers from Cincinnati, Dayton and Columbus and sort of sits in the middle of all three cities. I went up to look for a sporty winter coat, and I scored a sweet Adidas number that was perfect for the price. Adidas is having a helluva sale by the way. Anyhoo, before I found my coat I was in the Nike store looking for the same thing. At one point I spotted something I thought I might like, so I took off the coat I had on, a leather jacket, and hung it on the side of a nearby rack. Not on a hanger, mind you, just over the end of one of the rods the hangers hang on. On a related note, man was that was an awkward sentence.

So I try the coat on, take a gander in the mirror and realize it wasn’t for me. I then put the coat back on its hanger, turn around, reach for my coat . . . and it wasn’t there.

Actually it was there, but not where I left it. That’s because it was on some bro’s back. Yep, you guessed it.

Some guy was wearing my coat. 

Said bro was admiring himself in the same mirror I’d just used, doing the little spin-move pirouette thingy as he checked out his look. I gazed bemusedly at the dude for a second, wondering #1, what would be the proper response in this situation, and #2, how in the hell did he think that well-worn non-sporty Nike Swooshless coat would be sold in a Nike store?

I guess I should have simply said something along the lines of, “Hey, that’s my coat” but that seemed sort of unoriginal. Instead this conversation commenced:

“You like that coat?”

“Yeah, I think I do. What do you think?”

“I like it a lot. Because it’s mine.”

“Haha! Honestly, I think I’m buying it.”

“Haha! No you’re not. It’s mine. Seriously. My cell phone’s in that pocket right there. So’s my money clip. Take it off.”

At that point the guy pats the pocket I’m pointing to, freezes with a look of shock for a second, then proceeds to shuck my coat with the speed of an electron.*

*Electrons are fast.

My coat was then handed back to me along with an abundance of apologies of which I accepted graciously. Well, graciously for me anyway. I may or may not have muttered “idiot” at one point under my breath, but that’s neither here nor there.

Before I left though, I had to ask:

“If you really like this coat I’ll sell it to you for $200.”

Dude thought for a minute, then said “No thanks, man. Appreciate the offer though.”

Then, since it was the holidays, “$150?” Hey, I was feeling all Christmasy and whatnot.

“Mmmm, no thank you.”

Alright man. Have a good Christmas.

“You too.”

Then he walked away.

What can I say? Just another weird shopping encounter for yours truly.

PS – The guy actually made a smart move. I’d seen the same coat at Wilson’s Leather Store for $89.99. 

PPS – I hated myself for a few minutes, but it passed. Merry Christmas!

 

 

This video is 9-years old but I swear to you it never gets old. I literally laugh out loud every single time I see it. Seeing someone hurt themselves in a Santa Suit is always 100-times funnier than seeing a regular person fail. That’s Humor 101.

Perhaps in another dimension this is the way it looks.

mapifrevolutionhadlost

Sure.

andre-the-giant-holding-roasted-turkey

Damn straight.

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