Archive for the ‘Holidays’ Category

First off, let’s get this out of the way – I don’t like Pumpkin Pie. Never will, and you can’t make me. For this I am resolute and unapologetic. Also, and this may be shocking to many, I’m not crazy about turkey. That said, there are many a Thanksgiving dish I do savor, hence my 2019 Thanksgiving Dinner Power Rankings. Remember kids, before you get all up in arms and whatnot these are simply my personal preferences, so chillax. I also realize some of these are actually sides and not traditional Thanksgiving fare but it’s my website so I can do what I want. Let’s start at the bottom and work our way up . . .

10. Honey Glazed Ham

Big ham guy here, but it has to be honey glazed. Nothing like a good glazin’ of honey, amirite? Scrumptious.

9. Garlic Butter Cheesy Crescent Rolls

Yep. And butter those suckers up like a boss. Can’t have too much butter, heart attacks be damned.

8. Baklava

Can a Greek dish like Baklava be considered a Thanksgiving dish? Damn straight it can, because it’s delicious. Love that flaky phyllo pastry, man.

7. Oyster Stuffing

I know, I know. I don’t like turkey but I like stuffing. I’m a complex individual. Deal with it. PS- Must use Old Bay in the recipe. I learned this from someone who can actually cook.

6. Garlic Parmesan Mashed Potatoes

Love. It. Something about that garlic and parmesan mix that I love. On a related note, I can’t handle chunky mashed potatoes. Blech.

5. Deviled Eggs

My sister Sara makes some killer deviled eggs that are unsurpassed. A holiday staple.

4. Sausage Rolls with Worcestershire Sauce

So damn good. Heaven with a touch of tangy crispiness.

3. Garlic Parmesan Stuffed Mushrooms

Aw man. Add some cream cheese, black pepper and some other stuff and go to town on those bad boys. T-a-s-t-y.

2. Bacon Wrapped Spicy Meatballs

Let’s see . . . spicy? Check. Meatballs? Check. Bacon? Hell yes. Gimme those small ones that you pick up with a toothpick and I may down 20 in a single sitting.

And #1 is  . . . Sharp Cheddar Macaroni & Cheese 

Because of course it is. To not like Mac ‘n’ Cheese is downright un-American, man. I’m a bit of a cheese snob, and I’ll take freshly grated cheese over packaged grated cheese all day, every way. Anywho, you simply can’t go wrong with this cheesy bowl of goodness.

Aaaand I’ve made myself hungry again. Catch y’all later.

Click here for the recipe. Thank you and goodnight.

PS- You’re welcome.

Thank you and goodnight.
Ingredients
  • 2 cups powdered sugar
  • 1 1/3 cups creamy peanut butter
  • 1/4 cup butter, melted
  • 2/3 cup graham crackers crumbs
  • 1 tbsp maple syrup
  • 1 tsp salt
  • cups white chocolate, melted
  • 2 tsp coconut oil
  • sprinkles for garnish
Instructions
  1. Line a medium baking sheet with parchment paper. In a large bowl, combine powdered sugar, peanut butter, butter, graham cracker crumbs, maple syrup and salt. Using a whisk or hand mixer, mix ingredients until smooth and fully incorporated.

  2. Using a small cookie scoop, form mixture into balls and place on prepared baking sheet.

  3. In a medium bowl, combine melted white chocolate and coconut oil and stir until smooth. Dip peanut butter balls in white chocolate and place on cooling rack (excess chocolate will drop off).

  4. Top with sprinkles, then refrigerate until set, about 10 minutes.

Gonna be hard to top this one.

Good stuff.

So a damn thief stole a package off someone’s porch, and it turns out he picked the wrong house. This is because the someone was an engineer that happens to work for NASA and rigged the box in an epic manner. Dude put a glitter bomb and fart spray in that sucker, set to go off upon opening. Oh, and he had a hidden camera installed as well, so we can see the madness in all its glory. Trust me, it’s worth a look.

Seems sketchy and I have a few problems with it. First, “It’s a Wonderful Life” is the best Christmas movie and in not one state is it represented. That’s bogus. Secondly, “Die Hard” is not a Christmas movie and anyone who thinks so is confused, dumb, irrational, misinformed and quite possibly insane. And finally, “The Apartment”? “While You Were Sleeping”? Are these people high? Idjuts.

Listen, I love the movie “Elf.” I truly do. I believe I had Buddy at #2 on Shoe: Untied’s Top 5 Favorite Christmas Movie Characters. That’s quite an honor, man. However, I do have a problem with the movie, something that’s nagged at me for years. My problem is this – Buddy had lived in the North Pole for 30-years ( I know this because I looked it up. On Christmas Eve 1973, a baby boy crawled into Santa Claus’s sack at an orphanage and was unwittingly transported back to the North Pole). Anyway, what do elves do, like year-round? They build stuff. In all that time did they ever build anything for Buddy? They did not. Not once did Santa tell the elves to help ol’ Buddy out. Hell, they make toys for millions of kids in a year, man. They could have thrown together some Buddy-sized stuff in an afternoon, yet for over 20-years of his life he slept in a tiny bed, sat in tiny chairs, showered in a tiny shower and had to suffer the indignity of using a tiny toilet. Outrageous.

Bottom line, Santa and his elves were selfish assholes and I can’t get past it.

100% accurate.

On a related note, I hate this guy.

You are welcome.

The story began when a guy named Jamal Hinton received a random text from a woman named Wanda Dench. Seems Wanda had texted him mistakenly. Here’s here initial text:

 

Jamal, perplexed, of course asked who the heck was sending him this text, since he knew no Amanda nor Justin. He was answered, and the following conversation ensued:

Wanda complied:

Of course Jamal couldn’t resist responding, and Wanda did too:

So, this happened:

Long story short, the initial text came in 2016 and Jamal has gone to his second grandma’s house every year since:

I’ve never understood racism and I never will, but in these sensitive times a story of how one kind, simple gesture can lead to a friendship sure makes me feel good.

Happy Holidays everyone.

Well, maybe not everything, but a hell of a lot.

Let us review the facts and fiction of Thanksgiving:

FACT: The Mayflower did bring the Pilgrims to North America from Plymouth, England, in 1620, and they disembarked at what is now Plymouth, Mass., where they set up a colony. In 1621, they celebrated a successful harvest with a 3-day gathering that was attended by members of the Wampanoag tribe. It’s from this that we derive Thanksgiving as we know it. However . . .

FICTION: The feast wasn’t actually the first Thanksgiving. It wasn’t until the 1830s that this event was even called the first Thanksgiving by New Englanders who looked back and thought it would be a good idea. Heck, the holiday wasn’t made official until 1863, when President Abraham Lincoln declared it as a kind of thank you for the Civil War victories in Vicksburg and Gettysburg.

In any event, claiming it was the “first Thanksgiving” isn’t quite right as both Native American and European societies had been holding festivals to celebrate successful harvests for centuries. Maybe first for the English in the New World, but that’s about it.

FICTION: The town of Plymouth was created by pilgrims clearing land and starting a village from scratch. Plymouth was already a village with clear fields and a spring when the Pilgrims found it. Why was it available? Because every single native person who had been living there had been wiped out by a plague, namely smallpox.

FICTION: The pilgrims came to America seeking religious freedom. The Pilgrims already had religious freedom in Holland, where they first arrived in the early 17th century. Like those who settled Jamestown, Va., in 1607, the Pilgrims came to North America to make money. Shocking but not really.

FICTION: Pilgrims called themselves pilgrims. False. They called themselves Separatists. In fact, the term Pilgrims didn’t surface until around 1880.

FICTION: Everyone dined at a long table with a white tablecloth. The partiers most likely sat in small groups around fires, eating geese or duck. Also, it seems weird but forks hadn’t been invented yet. Folks ate with their fingers.

FICTION: The Puritan Pilgrims didn’t drink alcohol. Pilgrims loved a good beer. No doubt ale was plentiful thanks to a recently harvested barley crop.

FICTION: The Indians thought highly of Pilgrim intelligence since the English citizens brought with them advanced technology. Nope. The Pilgrims may have had durable shoes, woven clothes and powerful muskets, but their lack of survival skills earned them little respect among the Native Americans. Massasoit considered the Pilgrims “as a little child.”

FICTION: The first Thanksgiving took place in November. The exact date isn’t known, but the feast we celebrate on the fourth Thursday in November likely occurred in late September or early October, shortly after the harvest of such fall crops as corn, beans, squash and barley.

FACT: It is true that the celebration was an exceptional and unusual cross-cultural moment, with food, games and prayer. Native Americans had been growing food for the colony nearby for awhile, so they more than likely ambled over for some chow. In fact, they probably outnumbered the English 2-1.

FACT: Squanto did in fact help the English. His people, the Patuxet, had lived on the site where the Pilgrims settled. When they arrived, he became a translator for them with other native people and showed them the most effective method for planting corn and the best locations to fish.

FICTION: Squanto’s story is a happy one. In fact, he was captured by the English in 1614 and sold into slavery in Spain. He spent several years in England, where he learned English. He returned to New England in 1619, only to find his entire Patuxet tribe dead from smallpox. He met the Pilgrims in March 1621.

FICTION: Turkey and pie was served at the “First Thanksgiving.” The truth is that there was no mention of turkey being there, and there was no pie either. Settlers lacked butter and wheat flour for a crust, and they had no oven for baking. What is known is that the Pilgrims harvested crops and that the Wampanoag brought five deer. There were plenty of turkey around, but settlers preferred duck or goose.

Oh, and there’s one more truth that was ignored for hundreds of years, and that is the fact that entire races of Native Americans were wiped out by Europeans due to disease and outright murder.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

 

Cool.

There’s a unique twist on a popular Halloween treat.

The Westallion Brewing Company in West Allis, Wisconsin debuted a candy corn beer just for the fall.

But is it a trick or a treat?

They say the beer is based on a typical cream ale, with malts and sugars. A house-made candy corn flavoring is then mixed in.

It’ll be on the tap at the brewery through the end of October.

Listen, I’m not a big fan of these special holiday concoctions. You can take your pumpkin beer and pumpkin spiced Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes and shove them up your ass for all I care. That said, probably my favorite Halloween candy is Candy Corn. Just sugary goodness all day every way. Melts in your mouth like you read about. But guess what? I have to draw the line at Candy Corn Beer, man. That sounds disgusting. What’s next, pumpkin flavored cottage cheese?

Son of a bitch.

Yes kids, our crack staff here at Shoe: Untied is here for you once again. We’ve scoured the worldwide interweb to come up with the Top 10 2019 children’s Halloween costumes for you, our loyal readers. We have ranked said costumes from 10 to 1, because we’re here for you. Let us commence . . .

#10 – Gandhi

Nothing like dressing your kid up as the symbol for India’s independence, amirite? Good call.

#9 – Pillsbury Doughboy

Are you calling your kid fat? Perhaps. But it’s OK. Totally worth it.

#8 – Hannibal Lecter

Because dressing your kid up as a fictional movie serial killer is always a great idea.

#7 – A Taco

Because why the hell not? Tacos be tasty.

#6 – Walter White & Jesse Pinkman

Because you’re willing to shave your kid’s head, right? Right? LOVED Breaking Bad.

#5 – Old Woman

Simple but effective. Very effective. Also disturbing as hell.

#4 – Wilson the Volleyball

Everyone loved Wilson, the volleyball from Castaway, right? Look, it’s Wilson the volleyball from Castaway!

#3 – Dwight Schrute

If you’re not a fan of The Office you’re not a fan of mine and you cannot be my friend. That is all.

#2 – The Dude

Any avid reader of this site know I’m a fan of The Big Lebowsky, so I am thusly a fan of this costume. Rock on, dude.

#1 – Glowstick Boy

Shoot me, but I love me some Glowstick boy. Cannot help myself.

So there ya go, kids. Shoe: Untied’s Top 10 favorite Halloween costumes. Steal at your leisure.

Name a better Christmas gift than a puppy. You can’t.

“And all over town, little kids will get down.”

A sentimentally festive song about Santa being mugged by hooligans. Enjoy!

“Baby Jesus, born to rock.”

Love. It. Click photo and scroll, ya filthy animal.*

*Home Alone reference.

You’re welcome. Click to enlarge.