Archive for October, 2013

Best weatherman ever.

There’s a storm coming. We get it. You’ve terrified folks sufficiently enough for them to postpone Halloween, for Frankenstein’s sake. Don’t recall that ever happening before. Who postpones Halloween?

And the giddiness these weathermen announce the upcoming storm with borders on the disturbing. It’s almost like they’re, well, aroused as they point to the oncoming STORM SYSTEM OF DEATH.

Shouldn’t they be a little more calm and not so damn excited? Hide your children! Grab your pets! Or grab your children and hide your pets! Secure all belongings! Batten down the hatches! Retreat to your underground bunkers! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

And please desist from breaking into our regular scheduled television to gush over the approaching calamity. Then you won’t look so stupid after we get some light sprinkles and you stand their sheepishly making excuses as to why you overreacted.

And don’t you love it when some asshat is standing there in his $200 rainsuit and goofy hat, telling us all to find shelter, only to have a couple bros run by in the background with swim trunks, frolicking in the water?

Guys who mess with pompous weathermen are the best.

And would somebody please explain to me why weathermen get complimented or thanked for good weather on newscasts? Shouldn’t we be thanking, you know, God or somebody?

I don’t need weathermen. You know what I do when I want to know what the weather’s like? I go outside.

Good Lord.

And as for the video below, dude, it was lightning. Get a grip.

Great tune. I loved The Smiths, and Morrissey was their lead singer.

In honor of Halloween.

Well, that didn’t go well.

Posted: October 30, 2013 in Fails


So I’m subbing at PV today in the high school and as I walk into the building I see a smiling face amidst the 1sleepy ones:

Kid: “Who are you here for today Mr. Shoe?”

Me: “Hawkins.”

Kid: “Shoot. I don’t have her.”

Me: “Are you sad?”

Kid: “Not sad. Just very disappointed.”

My day was made before it had even started.

Later on, I was walking through the cafeteria when one of my former 5th graders smiled and waved at me. I waved and started to walk by, then went back and gave her a hug. Then she said . . .

“Yeah, I knew it. You can’t not hug me.”  

Man, I miss teaching every day.

You don’t know me. We’ve never met. I’m a total and complete stranger. I could be a serial killer for all you know, so please, in the name of all that is good and holy, please stop calling me sweetheart.

Or honey.

Or darlin’.

Ar baby.

Hell, I could’ve sworn come chick at White Castle called me “Sugar Buns” the other night, but I could be wrong. Maybe that was a dessert they were offering.

Anyway, stop it. Cease and desist. If you don’t, you  may end up getting a slider right back in your grillmix.

Whew. I feel better now. Have a great day.

You go Sea Lion. You go.

Because it’s all about you, moron.

As my regular readers are well aware, some of the subjects I touch on here at Shoe: Untied are not exactly aimed at kids. Oh, Tales from the Classroom and my Sparky stories are pretty much kid friendly, but others? Not so much. I basically just leave it up to parents to give approval and, you know, be aware of what their kids are viewing on their worldwide interweb machines.

Anyway, I have a few enlightened parents who knowingly allow their kids to visit my little website, under their watchful eyes of course. But perhaps one kid has gone too far . . .


[Click to enlarge]

Yep, that’s his weekly reading list he’s required to turn into his teacher.

Oh, Good Lord. I’m speechless. I just hope he got credit for this.



Posted: October 27, 2013 in Interesting Videos, WTF?

I have no idea what this video is about nor do I want to. All I know is I’ve watched it 7-times.

Fails of the Week: 10/19-10/26

Posted: October 26, 2013 in Fails, Humor

People being dumb again.

On a related note, if they tried this prank in Bainbridge that demon would be blown out of the sky within minutes and strapped onto the hood of someone’s truck.

Good stuff.

Early frontrunner for costume of the year.

Suck it.


Dude just wants a hug.

Hey, funny’s funny.

Incredible Levon Helm vocals.

Bro, chill.

Here’s the dilly . . .

I had a couple websites before, one dedicated to music and the other to sports, both begun around 2006-2008 or thereabouts. I had a small but loyal following for both sites, and they were a lot of fun to maintain. Ah, the days of DJ, SuperVesey and Hanif contributing their witty insights will never be forgotten. The problem was that I had other ideas I wanted to write about, stuff that went beyond music and sports. So, in early 2012 I started thinking about starting a new site, a site that was wide-open, a site that would cover everything and anything that popped into my head. ‘Twas a scary thought for sure, because there are some weird thoughts that roam across the landscape of my brain. Still, I forged ahead.

Well, it’s been a year and a half, and the site has grown beyond my wildest dreams. I have regular readers from all over the world, which in many ways makes no sense to me. For the life of me I can’t comprehend why some guy in China translates and reposts my blogs. For whatever reason they seem to like my stories about Sparky over there. Wait. Maybe Spark and I should do a Chinese Tour. The mind reels.

My biggest number of hits though, outside of the USA, Canada and England, come from the Caribbean and Belgium.


Several people have asked recently how they can go back and find some of my earlier writings. It’s quite easy really. Simply scroll down the left side of this page until you see UNTIED ARCHIVES. PERUSE! Then you’ll see a list of months dating all the back to April of 2012. Just click on any given month and you’ll see the archives for that month.

Hope you enjoy!

Over my 30-year teaching career I had some bad kids, trust me. I had a kid pull a knife on me in the hallway once. I threatened to use it on him and he gave it to me, thankfully. I’ve also had some bad parents as well. One time a father showed up at school with some brass knuckles because I’d paddled his kid for using the N-Word. Turns out daddy was a racist and didn’t take kindly to my punishment of his son, who had been raised a racist himself. Anyway, dad was a dimwit and proved it by bringing brass knuckles to a baseball bat fight. I met him at the door and sent him on his way rather hastily.

See, his lamebrain son had warned me he was coming so I was prepared. And yes, boy was he surprised.

On a related note, racists are stupid and I hate them.

If it had happened today the school would be put on lockdown and a SWAT Team would be summoned. As it was, I don’t even think I mentioned it to the principal.

It was a simpler time.

But on to my point. Several times over the years I used a surprisingly simple but efficient method when dealing with a “bad” kid. Teachers, stop rolling your eyes and listen. You might learn something. Plus, you can’t argue with a proven method.

If a kid started the year being a pain in the butt, I would go through the usual stuff, talking to him in the hallway, blah-blah-blah. At some point, though, I’d take him up to the front of the room, put my arm around him, and have the following conversation. Let’s call our kid “Tommy.”

Me: “Tommy, I need you to understand something.”

Tommy, warily: “Uh, what?”

Me: “You’re not going anywhere.”

Tommy: “OK. Wait. What?”

Me: “No matter what you do, no matter what you say, you’re staying right here with me. I’ll never sit you in the hallway. I’ll never send you to the office. Ever. It’s just going to be me and you. So, you’ll have to learn to get along with me or it’s going to be a miserable year for you. We might as well have a good time and make the best of it, right?”

For whatever reason, that worked almost all of the time. Once the kid knew he wasn’t leaving, wasn’t going to get to leave class and go to the office, once he knew there was zero chance of getting out, he settled down and made the best of it.

Rocket Science? No.

Effective? Almost every time.

Take notes, people. They don’t teach you this stuff in college.