Apparently I Have Issues With What People Are Naming Their Kids

So I got a rather mean email from a fan after she read some of my stuff regarding baby names. According to her it’s none of my damn business what people name their babies, and that’s sort of difficult to argue with, except I will anyway.

See, I feel it’s my place as the voice of reason in this crazy-ass, mixed-up world to also be the voice for all the Draydens, Jaydiens, Apples, Moxies and Bryars out there. Someone has to speak up for the kids, damn it!

Can’t you see? By the time you add up all the seconds these kids will have had to spell out their names to every person on the phone, at a hotel, or just as a part of everyday life in general they’re going to waste months of their lives, maybe years. Stop it man! You know how many times I’ve had to spell out Dave to somebody? The answer is zero. Same for every Steve, Sam or Jack out there. On a related note, my friend and former student Molly and her husband named their baby Max, thus saving him an extra 3 1/2 years of his life because he won’t have to spell it for people constantly.

And oh, by the way, the complainer’s name was Smyrna, which I thought may have been of some significance. I mean, growing up as a Smyrna wouldn’t you be sensitive to poorly chosen names? But n-o-o-o-o, Smyrna chose to direct her ire towards me rather than mom and pop.

With all this in mind I perused the archives of Shoe: Untied and, sure enough, I’ve written a few blogs regarding modern baby names. In honor of Smyrna I shall reprint them below, because I think they’re pretty funny. Please excuse the fact that I repeated myself a couple times. These baby names get me all befuddled and whatnot.

And remember, it’s for the kids! We’ll begin with the blog that started it all . . .

NEW AMERICAN BABY NAMES. YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP. THEN AGAIN, MAYBE YOU CAN.

I was skimming through a magazine at the dentist’s office the other day and ran across an article about new American baby names. I think it’s a pretty well-known fact that Americans have pretty much lost their collective minds when it comes to naming children. It used to be pretty easy, just name the kid John or Robert or Mary or Sally and move on.

Oh, we had the nutjobs in the ’70s like Frank Zappa who named his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit, but overall it was pretty simple. My best friends as a kid? Dave, Tom, Ted, Mel and Jeff. Today? No, it has to be something completely unique, something nobody else has ever used. For the love of God, Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. I assume Banana is next, followed by Grape or maybe Muskmelon?

Jeebus.

Here are some recent samples I found online, followed by my biting commentary. Let’s start with the boys:

Blayde. They must think the added “y” really puts it over the top. I’m assuming they’ll name the next boy Nyfe? Or maybe Daggir? Mashetty? Sabre? Shank? Good Lord. Wait. What about Shiv?

Note: I actually sort of like Shiv.

Sketch. Really? What, Doodle wasn’t available?

Draven. Really? Aren’t you pretty much guaranteeing your kid take up Black Magic and become a witch or warlock if you name him/her Draven?

Diesel. As you may or may not have read, I had a kindergartner a couple years ago named Diesel who was the epitome of cool. Until he shat his pants, of course. After that, not so much. If your name is Diesel you’d better be able to back it up.

Izander. Izander? Sounds like someone from the Land of Ize.

Jaydien. Here’s what bothers me about Jaydien. The extra “y” and “i”. Totally unnecessary. Like I mentioned, the kid’s going to have to spell the name out every time he checks into a hotel or gives it to someone over the phone.

Zaiden. Of course we have Zaiden. Next will come Zayden. Or Zaydien, as in Jaydien.

Sigh. Enough of the dumb boy names. The girl names can’t be so pretentious, can they? Can they? Oh God . . .

Brook’Lynn. Apparently the apostrophe is a new trend. What’s next, Me’Gan? Kel’Le?

Luxx. This is the epitome of the horrible “new” baby names. Luxx. Sounds like a nemesis of Superman or maybe a brand of sweeper.

Copelia. I have a good line for this one but I can’t pull the trigger.

Fallyn. Sounds like an angel that has fallen from grace or something. Just depressing.

Tybee. This sounds like a late night infomercial brand name. Get the new Tybee Fruit Juicer Now! One-time offer only!

Joplyn. Being a classic rock fan, this one isn’t so bad save for the fact they misspelled it. It’s Joplin, dummies. In fact, I think a family of Joplin, Jimi, Morrison, and Croce would be pretty cool if you ignore the fact that they were all named after people who died before they were 30.

Jerrika. Presumably has a father named Jerry and a mother named Erika? If my parents used that logic I’d be named Ralphthryn or Kalph.

There were a lot more but I’m becoming too depressed to include them. But seriously, folks, don’t be afraid to go old school with the baby names. There is nothing wrong with naming a kid Max, Sam, Jack, even David. My general advice would be to keep it simple, but what the hell do I know? Do what makes you happy, but remember there are no guarantees I won’t make fun of you.

But seriously, COPELIA?

DUMB BABY NAMES, PART II

I think I’ve made my feelings clear regarding the new baby-naming trend, and those feelings are that I hate it.  To wit . . .

How about the names celebrities have given their poor kids? Check these out:

Kal-El. Yes kids, Nicholas Cage named his son after Superman.

Moxie Crimefighter.  This is the name given to Penn Jillette’s daughter. Penn Jillette is a magician, and by the time Moxie is 12-years old I’m guessing she’ll want daddy to disappear. You know, for cursing her with that ridiculous name.

Pilot Inspektor is actor Jason Lee’s kid, whoever that is. Here’s a hint for ya, Jason. If you type a name and spellcheck puts that squiggly line under it, it’s probably a stupid name. I actually looked this up, and Inspektor is Swedish for inspector. That tells me nothing other than that Jason Lee is an idiot.

Blue Ivy. Yep, Jay-Z and Beyoncé named their kid Blue Ivy. Sounds like a trendy restaurant those Hollywood types would go to. I can hear it now. “Hey, I hear the Gluten-Free Panna Cotta at the Blue Ivy is fabulous.”

Rainbow. Actually, probably not a bad choice for that Playboy chick Holly Madison’s baby, since Holly’s fame is sure to be rainbow-like. And by rainbow-like I mean short-lived and shaped like an arc.

Bob Geldolf, lead singer of the Boomtown Rats and Live Aid organizer? He named his kid Fifi Trixibelle. That’s right. Fifi wasn’t enough. He then followed it up with another Toy Poodle name, Trixibelle.

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni named their kid . . . Kyd. Good Lord. Kyd? Why not Baybee? Chylde? Yungin? Anklebyter? Infynt? Whyppyrsnappyr? OK, I’m just rambling now. Sorry.

Bono, lead singer of U2, has named his son Memphis Eve. Yep, his boy is named for the night before Memphis. I don’t get it either.

Actor Rob Morrow named his kid Tu. Get it? Tu Morrow? What’s next, someone with the last name of Day calling their kid Yester?

On a related note, sorry Smyrna.

In closing, I found this online recently and I dare you to try and pronounce Zerachiel. See? You can’t. Case closed.