My Stalker and I

Posted: April 30, 2016 in Men and Women, WTF?
Tags: ,

Yikes.

So the other day I get a random friend request from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize, but this isn’t unusual. After all, I’ve had thousands of students and a lot of the kids that I had in class who have different last names now.

Anywho, I accepted the request and thought nothing more about it until a couple of days later when I received a message from said woman. Let’s call her Stella. Here’s the exact conversation that took place on the first day:

Stella: “Hello. How are you?”

Me: “Doing well.”

At this point I don’t want to offend her by telling her I don’t recognize her so I’m trying to feel her out. So to speak.

Stella: “How is the weather in Ohio?”

Me: “It’s been in the 60’s today. Unseasonably warm.”

Stella: “It’s warm here in ___________ too.”

She named a city that’s in another state, which didn’t help me at all. At this point I just asked her straight out:

Me: “Did I have you as a student at Paint Valley or Greenfield?”

Stella: “No, I saw you on Fox News and you looked interesting so I thought I’d contact you.”

Wait. What? Hold on.

Fox what? News? Ruh-roh . . .

Me: “Uh, not me. You’re  obviously mistaking me for someone else.”

I then log off with a shrug of my shoulders and forget about her. But, the next day I get a message . . .

Stella: “Can you at least talk to me?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know you. I thought we knew each other when I accepted the friend request.”

Stella: “Oh.”

It ends there for about a day. And then, the following evening . . .

Stella: “Can’t we just talk?”

I figured not responding was the best move at this point so I didn’t. Then, a couple days later I wake up to find this, repeated word for word:

“WHY WON’T YOU TALK TO ME!!!!!!!!”

And then . . .

“?????????????????????????????????????????”

Followed by . . .

“WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU??????”

And this went on for about 20 more messages. Chick was unglued, unhinged, and you know, thought she’d seen me on Fox News.

Good God. Of course at this point I unfriended her. I mean, I’ve had ladies become frustrated and angry with me before but this was entering Fatal Attraction territory. I half expected to come home and find Sparky boiling on my stove, and for that someone would have to die.

So, being the bright guy that I am I shall henceforth refuse to accept friends without knowing with 100% certainty who they are. I probably should’ve known and done that anyway, but what the hey. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

But now, because of this little Facebook exchange, every time Sparky barks at night I’m sure it’s Stella, who for all I know could be a 45-year old male serial killer with murderous intent.

So, if there’s anything to be learned from all this it’s probably that I’m an idiot.

Horrifying thought – does she read this site? Did I post anything from Shoe: Untied during the couple of days she was my “friend”? I didn’t, did I? The mind reels.

Just checked. I did not. I think I’m good. Wait. Somebody’s at the door . . .

[Originally published on December 6th, 2012.]

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