My Stalker and I

Posted: April 30, 2016 in Men and Women, WTF?
Tags: ,


So the other day I get a random friend request from a woman whose name I didn’t recognize, but this isn’t unusual. After all, I’ve had thousands of students and a lot of the kids that I had in class who have different last names now.

Anywho, I accepted the request and thought nothing more about it until a couple of days later when I received a message from said woman. Let’s call her Stella. Here’s the exact conversation that took place on the first day:

Stella: “Hello. How are you?”

Me: “Doing well.”

At this point I don’t want to offend her by telling her I don’t recognize her so I’m trying to feel her out. So to speak.

Stella: “How is the weather in Ohio?”

Me: “It’s been in the 60’s today. Unseasonably warm.”

Stella: “It’s warm here in ___________ too.”

She named a city that’s in another state, which didn’t help me at all. At this point I just asked her straight out:

Me: “Did I have you as a student at Paint Valley or Greenfield?”

Stella: “No, I saw you on Fox News and you looked interesting so I thought I’d contact you.”

Wait. What? Hold on.

Fox what? News? Ruh-roh . . .

Me: “Uh, not me. You’re  obviously mistaking me for someone else.”

I then log off with a shrug of my shoulders and forget about her. But, the next day I get a message . . .

Stella: “Can you at least talk to me?”

Me: “Well, I don’t really know you. I thought we knew each other when I accepted the friend request.”

Stella: “Oh.”

It ends there for about a day. And then, the following evening . . .

Stella: “Can’t we just talk?”

I figured not responding was the best move at this point so I didn’t. Then, a couple days later I wake up to find this, repeated word for word:


And then . . .


Followed by . . .


And this went on for about 20 more messages. Chick was unglued, unhinged, and you know, thought she’d seen me on Fox News.

Good God. Of course at this point I unfriended her. I mean, I’ve had ladies become frustrated and angry with me before but this was entering Fatal Attraction territory. I half expected to come home and find Sparky boiling on my stove, and for that someone would have to die.

So, being the bright guy that I am I shall henceforth refuse to accept friends without knowing with 100% certainty who they are. I probably should’ve known and done that anyway, but what the hey. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that.

But now, because of this little Facebook exchange, every time Sparky barks at night I’m sure it’s Stella, who for all I know could be a 45-year old male serial killer with murderous intent.

So, if there’s anything to be learned from all this it’s probably that I’m an idiot.

Horrifying thought – does she read this site? Did I post anything from Shoe: Untied during the couple of days she was my “friend”? I didn’t, did I? The mind reels.

Just checked. I did not. I think I’m good. Wait. Somebody’s at the door . . .

[Originally published on December 6th, 2012.]


Gimme a holler.

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