The Pretentious Christmas Card Manifestos Must End Now

Posted: December 6, 2015 in Humor, Opinion, Things I Hate
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Note: I realize I’m about to upset some of my friends and loyal followers. Please do not take this personally. I love you, I really do. I just don’t love certain things that some of you do. If you’re guilty of the following act of insanity, please remember that’s it’s just a small part of who you are and I realize that. Perhaps you’ll see the light and grow out of it someday. For that I can only pray. As for me, I simply ask that you accept me for the judgmental SOB that I am.

Well, Christmas is quickly approaching, and along with it the annual onslaught of Christmas cards. This dizzying barrage of goodwill can come in a variety of forms, from the old-fashioned “Noel” or “Nativity Scene” cards to the more neutral cards that say “Happy Holidays” or “Happy Holiday Season!” or something along those lines.

Some folks go with the family photo card, which is sort of nice. Those always bring responses such as . . .

Oh, look! Little Bobby Boo has braces!”

Or . . .

How adorable. Mindy has let her hair grow out.”

Or . . .

“Hey! Aunt Dorothy shaved her mustache!”

Or sometimes . . .

Wow, look at Jackie. Has she ballooned up or what? Chick looks like she ate Santa Claus.”

But over the past several years another trend has begun to rear it’s ugly head, and that trend is what I like to call The Christmas Card Family Manifesto. These are those full page (at least) dissertations on anything and everything that’s going on in the sender’s family. I swear I received a couple last year that made me feel as if I was reading the old testament.

Every single family member is singled out, every bit of minutia of their life is described, all apparently in an attempt to prove that their lives, by God, are much, much better than yours.

And the tone? It’s so damn joyous that you just know their lives can’t be that perfect. It’s almost as if they’re over-compensating, trying way too hard to convince us, or even themselves, that they’re happy.

Here’s an example:

Our oldest, Clyde, has completed his doctorate degree in Fermentation Sciences and plans to open his own brewery after traveling to Botswana for a year and volunteering in a Leper Colony. So, is your son still clerking down at the Sack ‘n’ Save?

Yeah, they don’t really write that last part but it’s sort of insinuated, ya know?

I mean, holy moly, how pretentious can people be? Why in God’s name would they think we’d care if their little grandson Ezekiel was named one of 14 captains on the soccer team or their niece Sophie finished 3rd in her elementary school’s yodeling competition?

Good God.

Just for kicks, I think I’ll send out my own faux Christmas Card Novella. You know, just to screw around with people. It’ll go something like this . . .

Happy Holidays everyone! I hope you’ve had a fabulous year! Here at the Shoemaker household things have been super!

In March I was finally busted for that Meth Lab I was operating out of my garage. It’s a shame because business was going SO well! My fifth graders LOVED LOVED LOVED my product! Anywho, I’m out on bail now but my attorneys say the prospects of a short sentence are good. By the way, I’ll be needing character witnesses for the sentencing phase so keep February open! Thanks! xxxoooxxx

That little scamp Sparky is as ornery as ever! In June he killed and ate the neighbor’s Miniature Schnauzer but escaped through a hole in their back fence and was on my lap watching Animal Planet like nobody’s business! LOL! Oh, he hacked up some internal organs on my carpet but otherwise the whole incident went undetected! The Miller’s are still looking for their little Bingo!

As for Kip, remember that series of chainsaw murders over in Highland County? Well, don’t ask! And here I thought he was really getting into wood sculpting! Seriously though, mum’s the word!

You know, I just re-read those last four paragraphs and I’ve come to realize I made need some sort of counseling. Have mercy.

Bottom line? I hate those long Christmas card manifestos.

On a related note, that sound you hear is several hundred people erasing my name off their Christmas mailing list.

I guess my work here is done.

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Comments
  1. turtle93 says:

    Time to get back to work!!!lol To much free time on your hands!!!

  2. […] Pretentious Christmas Card Manifestos. They must end now. December 6, 2013 […]

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