Steve Harvey Sent An Email To His Staff, And It Is Glorious

Posted: May 11, 2017 in Assclowns, Humor
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So apparently Steve Harvey is leaving his show in Chicago and is beginning a new one in Los Angeles, but I don’t really care about that. I’ve never watched him on anything anyway, other than a couple Family Feud highlight videos and the time he announced the wrong Miss Universe. That was fun. Anyway, a bunch of his staffers in Chicago are all talking about what a dick he is, and one of them released the following email he sent to them prior to his show beginning this season.

And oh boy, it’s a classic.

I’ll post the email word-for-word in italics, in all it’s glory. My observations are interspersed. Let us proceed . . .

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back. I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.

There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.

Well, that seems reasonable. Who wants to have a meeting in their dressing room? And nobody hates pop-ins more than me. What’s so bad about this, anyway?

Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.

Again, makes sense to me. Steve Harvey seems normal enough.

Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.

Well hell, that’s a little harsh. Removed? Sounds a little impersonal really.

My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me. I want all the ambushing to stop now.

Honestly? I wish I had a security team to stop random people in Krogers from speaking to me. That would be super. But really, when I hear “ambush” I think of getting attacked by Indians in a cowboy movie, not some dude trying to talk to me outside my office. Weird.

I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.

The NO MORE at the end really puts the emphasis where it needs to be, amirite? Stay the hell away, bro.

Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.

Wait. There’s a doorbell outside the makeup room? Damn it. So much to learn and so little time.

I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.

Gee, ya think?

Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.

Yeah, yeah. We discussed the ambush thing earlier. Let it go.

I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.

Steve, you have trouble entertaining me as a TV host, let alone in the hallway, so I will not attempt to walk with you. Jeebus.

If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.

W-e-l-l, since the group reading this is probably a little more wide-ranging than you ever intended, perhaps you don’t mean everybody reading this.

Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Oh no, no offense taken! All good Steve!

Thank you all,

Steve Harvey

You’re welcome sir. See you soon. Wait. No we won’t. Because we’re not allowed.

Sigh.

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