Top 14 Things You’ll Hear During March Madness Opening Week

Posted: March 13, 2017 in Humor, Opinion, Sports
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So March Madness begins this week, and all the talking heads will be spewing forth their “expert analysis.” Along with this will be several tired, worn out, and sometimes nonsensical statements. Off the top of my head, here are a few of them:

“This is the time of year when defense will win games for you.”

  • Yes, because we all know defense doesn’t win games for you in the regular season.

“This is the time of year when offense will win games for you.”

  • Yes, because we all know offense doesn’t win games for you in the regular season.

“This guy can really score the basketball.”

  • Listen, you can score, you can be a great scorer, but you cannot score the basketball. And if you could, what else is there to score anyway, besides the basketball? The Pineapple Upside-Down Cake?

Never underestimate a Tom Izzo (or somebody) coached team.”

  • I love Izzo but his Spartans lost their first game in the tournament last year. They also went 19-14 this season, and in every victory they were apparently underestimated. You should never do that.

“Arizona (or somebody) has to travel cross country to play. This will hurt their chances.”

  • Sigh. I actually heard the word “grueling” when describing one of these trips. Just a heads-up for you, but these teams aren’t traveling by covered wagon. Many have charters and private jets. They’re relaxing in in-flight luxury and their bags will be waiting for them when they arrive in their fancy hotels.

“This team is a mid-major, but they’re very quick and athletic.”

  • Translation: This team has a lot of 6′-6″ black guys on its roster.

“This team is a hard-working, fundamental team. They bring their hard hats to work.”

  • Translation: This team has a lot of 6′-6″ white guys on its roster.

“Michigan (or somebody) is hot at the right time.”

  • Incorrect. What happened before this week is not “the right time.” The “right time” is from this Thursday onward. Get hot then and you have something.

“Guard play will win games for you in the tournament.”

  • That is true. So will post play, coaching, defense, and a million other things.

“Post play will win games for you in the tournament.”

  • See “Guard play will win games for you in the tournament.”

“Look out for Wisconsin (or somebody). They have a lot of senior leadership.”

  • Sure, having seniors helps. But I’ll take a team with 5 underclassmen who are lottery picks anyday. See North Carolina, Kentucky, Duke, blah-blah-blah.

“Nobody defends like West Virginia.”

  • This happens to be true. Nobody defends like West Virginia.

“This team is much better than its seed.”

  • In all actuality, there’s not a whole lot of difference once you get past the top 3 or 4 seeds.

“Look out for Middle Tennessee!”

  • Yes, Middle Tennessee seems to be the media darling this year, so look out, Minnesota. After all, they beat a team nobody should never underestimate last year, Tom Izzo’s Michigan State.

In conclusion, I will now give you the 2017 National Champion. You’re welcome in advance:

VILLANOVA

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