What’s The Probability That World Predictions For 2017 Will Come True?

Posted: January 4, 2017 in Humor, The Unknown, Uncategorized
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So I perused the worldwide interweb and came up with several predictions 2017for 2017, which I then narrowed down to my Top 4. Oh, we had the usual “end of the world” prognostications, one of which I touch on below. That said, here are my favorites for the coming year. Happy New Year everyone!

Let us begin . . .

Donald Trump Will Never Take Office and the U.S. Will Collapse Into Civil War

A blind Bulgarian mystic named of Baba Vanga predicted this.  She’s big-time famous in Bulgaria, and was visited throughout her life by dignitaries seeking predictions.  She actually became more famous because she had predicted that the 44th president of the United States would be black. This gives her some credibility because Baba died in 1996, long before Barack Obama was well-known. Woot! Baba on a roll!

But hold up a sec. She also predicted that this black president would be the last US president, and that after this the US would collapse into a second civil war. Yikes.

Will it happen? Meh. Odds are slim to none. And by the way, she also got a ton of her predictions wrong. She incorrectly predicted that there would be a 3rd World War from 2010-2014. Negatory. Anyway, will Trump take office? More than likely. I’d give it a 89.3% chance, although there is a slim chance he’ll get a close look at The White House and say “Da Hell? No freakin’ way I’m living in this shithole.” Will there be a Civil War? There will not, so chillax.

2017 Will Be the Year of The Rapture

Hell, The Rapture is predicted every year, amirite?  Wait, that sounded sacrilegious. Let’s try it again. Hey, The Rapture is predicted every year, amirite? But for this blog’s sake let’s pick just one person and go with the Reverend Donna Larson. Her “Rapture and End Times” website claims that this coming year will at long last be the “Rapture” that Christians have been waiting for since the whole “Rapture” idea was invented by John Nelson Darby back in the late 1820’s. To be fair, some authors maintain that the Rapture doctrine originated in the eighteenth century, with the Puritan preachers Increase and Cotton Mather. Old Cotton, incidentally, is mostly famous for his vigorous support of that little unfortunate incident up in Salem, known as the Salem Witch Trials.

But yeah, sorry kids but The Rapture is not mentioned in the Bible. Not explicitly anyway. Oh, it’s arguable but most theologians believe it is not.*

*Please direct all hate mail to Dr. Foster P. Dalrymple, Shoe: Untied Director of Operations, Box 74, Buford, Wyoming, 82052.

Bottom line, Reverend Larson claims that her careful study of scripture reveals that the Earth will be precisely 6,000 years old in 2017, and for some reason that number signifies the end of times.

Will it happen? I’m guessing not likely. Let’s give it a 1% chance. I’m not saying it won’t because I have to cover my bases, but I’m not holding my breath. And as I said, The Rapture is a newer idea than the United States of  America. As a matter of fact, Lewis and Clark began their journey across the west before the Rapture was ever really mentioned anywhere. That said, it’s up to interpretation like everything else, so chill bro.

The Draft Will Return to the USA

This was predicted by some dude named Joseph Tittel, who also likes to go by the name of “Spiritman Joseph.” On a related note, if my name was Tittel I’d probably prefer Spiritman Joseph too. Tittel is another one of those shady  “mediums,” whose biggest claim to fame was appearing on a reality game show called America’s Psychic Challenge. Remember it? Me either. Anyway, this guy likes to make predictions about just about everything. He predicted, among other things, that in 2017 there will be political instability and a return to the military draft in the United States.

Will it happen? Well since this is a two-parter I’ll say this – yes, there will be some political instability in the USA. Hey, we did elect a reality TV show star as our president. I’ll give it a 79% chance of happening. Will there be a draft? Naw, I don’t think so. A draft doesn’t makes a lot of sense for the modern US military. I’ll give it a 3% chance of happening because, you know, Trump. By the way, literally weeks before this prediction Tittel had predicted that Hillary Clinton would win the US Election. He claimed she’d serve 2-terms and would suffer 3 assassination attempts. What sort of fool would have predicted a Clinton win? Wait. Never mind.

There Will be a Huge Scandal in the Mainstream Media

Who in the hell predicted This? Well, it’s actually in an article by CBS news about predictions for 2017. In the article, CBS News actually predicts that 2017 will have a “big scandal involving the press.” This cracks me up because it’s sort of like predicting a rapper will shoot somebody or a Kardashian will take their clothes off to get attention.

Well it happen? Uh, can I say a number higher than 100%? Because yes, it will happen. Der.

So there ya go, my thoughts on the probabilities that world predictions for 2017 will come true. I predict that 37.3% of Shoe: Untied readers will find this interesting. Thank you and good day.

 

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