Shopping Adventures!

Posted: December 16, 2016 in Humor, Random Encounters
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For reasons unknown to me I’ve had several weird and inexplicable encounters with nutcases whilst shopping, both for food and otherwise. Somebody asked me to repost one, but he couldn’t remember the title. He just recalled it took place at the store. Because of this I decided to run all the stuff I’ve written about odd shopping encounters. Let’s get right to it . . .

MY ENCOUNTER WITH THE FROZEN FOOD NAZI

For some reason, the weirdest things seem to happen to me. Oddballs seem to be drawn to me, and I know not why. Perhaps I don’t want to know, amirite?

Anywho, today I had to run some errands and at one point ended up in The Krog, a supermarket here in southern Ohio sometimes referred to as Krogers. As I was checking out the frozen food section (Michelina’s was on sale, 10 items for $10, a helluva deal for a bachelor like myself), I noticed out of the corner of my eye a woman staring at me from about 10-feet away. For a gentleman of dashing good looks such as myself, this is not unusual. However, in this case the lady looked a little, well, upset.

What horrendous deed had I committed? Had she seen me eat that grape in the fruit aisle? Being the aggressive shopper that I am, had I cut her off over in Milk & Dairy? I had no idea.

At that point I she began walking towards me. I sensed trouble. That’s when the following conversation commenced:

Lady: “Can I give you some advice?”

Me: “Sure, I guess. What’s up?”

Lady: “If you stand there with the door open the windows fog over. Then the next person can’t see the food. It’s sort of rude.”

You know, I try to be as courteous as possible with people. I open doors for folks, let people cross the street in front of me, stuff like that. But in all my life it has never occurred to me that I shouldn’t hold the door open too long in the frozen food section of a grocery store.

Me: “Why can’t they just open the door like I do? It’s not that hard.”

Then I proceeded to open and close the door approximately 10-times, smiling maniacally while never taking my eyes off the lady. I don’t really know why I did this, other than the fact that she’d thrown in that “It’s sort of rude” comment at the end and it pissed me off. It was unnecessary and uncalled for, damn it.*

*That’s called rationalizing your sarcastic and belligerent behavior, folks. Hey, at least I recognize my faults.

The lady just sort of stormed off in a huff, but our story wasn’t over. Later on, as I was at the self-checkout station, I sensed somebody over my shoulder. Sure enough, it was the Frozen Food Nazi . . .

Lady: “May I ask you a question?”

Me: “You just did.”

Because you know, I’m quick like that.

Lady: “Seriously, this has been bothering me since I spoke to you earlier. Are you somebody?”

Huh? Am I somebody? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Isn’t everybody somebody? So I said the first thing that came to mind:

Me: “Yes I am.”

Then I grabbed my bags and walked way. But guess what? My experience with the Frozen Food Nazi still wasn’t over.

In the parking lot, as I was opening my car door, I hear this from a few cars away:

“I’m so sorry! I was the rude one! It was none of my business!”

Seems the Frozen Food Nazi had seen the light. I just waved and got in my Jeep.

You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

MORE NUTS AT THE SUPERMARKET

I swear to God the crazy people watch me, wait for me to leave, and follow me to get groceries.

Not really relevant, but I liked the photo.

Not really relevant, but I liked the photo.

Today this actual conversation took place between me and a tiny, wild-eyed, blue haired lady as I passed her in the frozen food aisle (it always seems to be the frozen food aisle):

Lady: “You’re going in the wrong direction.” 

At first I thought maybe she was critiquing my life choices, you know, telling me I was headed directly to hell or something. Then I realized she meant literally.

Me, looking around: “Huh?”

Lady: “You’re going in the wrong direction. You’re supposed to start in Aisle 1 and work your way around. You’re going backwards.”

Say what? I reached my age without knowing this vital piece of information? That there’s an unwritten code amongst shoppers that requires directional shopping skills? How have I survived all this time without a major accident? Here I’ve been running willy-nilly and haphazardly around the grocery store like a madman, oblivious to this supermarket decree. Hell, it’s a miracle I haven’t had some horrific head-on shopping cart collision with Cheez Whiz, Cheez-Its and body parts flying everywhere. Good God, man.

At that point I just said this:

“Hey, I’m a rebel. I follow my own set of rules.”

Then I rolled proudly away in the wrong direction, head held high.

In other news, I’m thinking of looking into one of those online grocery delivery sites.

Note: At my Brocery Store (coming soon to a city near you), shoppers may go in any direction they want.

IF THIS SHOPPING LIST IS WRONG I DON’T WANNA BE RIGHT

So I went to The Krog today to pick up some groceries, and as always I was paying up at the self-checkout terminal. I like the self-checkout because I don’t have to, you know, interact with a human being.

Anyway, as I was scanning my stuff I noticed a young lady next to me glancing over from time-to-time. And then she said, “You sure have an interesting selection there.” 

Huh? And the way she smugly said “interesting” led me to believe she meant “odd.”

My first impulse was to tell her to mid her own business, but instead I just muttered, “Really? O.K.”

I mean, I almost felt like apologizing for my grocery selections. I was perplexed and still am. With that in mind, I shall now show you my grocery list and then you can tell me if it is weird or not.

Here we go . . .

2-Big K Diet Orange Colas, 2-liter

1-Package, Charmin Bathroom Tissue

1-Bottle Kroger Brand Aspirin

1-Container Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese

1-Box Cheez-Its

3-Packages Heritage Farm Lean Thinly-Sliced Turkey

5-Packages Heritage Farm Lean Thinly-Sliced Ham

5-Packages Heritage Farm Lean Thinly-Sliced Beef

5-Packages Heritage Farm Lean Thinly-Sliced Chicken

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Angus Beef w/Bacon & Cheese Flavor

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Filet Mignon Flavor

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Grilled Steak & Eggs Flavor

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Roast Beef Flavor

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Ham & Egg Flavor

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Filet Mignon Flavor w/Bacon & Potato

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Rotisserie Chicken Flavor

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Grilled Chicken w/Spring Vegetables Flavor

1-Tub Cesar Savory Delights Dog Food, Portehouse Steak w/Peas & Carrots Flavor

5-Cans Beneful Dog Food, Mediterranean Medley

5-Cans Beneful Dog Food, Tuscan Style Medley

So, I ask you. Is that a grocery list that should illicit rude stares in the supermarket? I see absolutely nothing wrong with it. Sure, it could possibly be construed as leaning a little heavily on the dog food side, but what the hell.

Wait . . . could she have possibly thought I was down and out and buying dog food for myself? Dog food, lean meats . . . and I was dressed rather shabbily today.

You know, now that I look at the list it does look like something a guy living under a bridge would buy.

Never mind.

PS – The sliced meats are for Sparky too. He likes them mixed-up in his dog food. What can I say? Unconditional love has no price.

GROCERY SHOPPING RANT OF THE DAY

My problems with supermarkets have been well documented on this site, be itparm running into weirdos or not being able to find something. Hell, I even came up with the ultimate solution in my acclaimed blog Introducing the Brocery Store.

Anyhoo, once again I was at The Krog today when I ran into an issue that’s perplexing, bewildering, befuddling, confusing and flummoxing. It’s a question that begs to be answered, and in fact I demand that it be answered:

WHY IN THE HELL IS THE PARMESAN CHEESE NOT WITH THE OTHER CHEESES?

Seriously, are we discriminating against Parmesan cheese because you can sprinkle it on stuff? Is it not hardy and solid enough? Hey, Swiss cheese is full of holes and it gets to hang with the big boys. So does shredded cheese for Lord’s sake. Yes, you read that right – the shredded Parmesan cheese is with the main cheeses and the sprinkle Parmesan cheese is not. The earth just tilted on its axis, and somewhere an old woman reading this fell over dead from cardiac arrest.

I swear to God I stood in the cheese section for 10-minutes looking for my beloved Parmesan cheese, only to be told by a passing shelf-stocker that it was over with the noodles. Say what? Outrageous.

In conclusion, whoever made this Parmesan cheese decision can go straight to hell.

cheeselover

And sometimes things happen when I’m shopping for other stuff too . . .
AN INCIDENT AT THE MALL

So I’m up at Polaris Mall awhile back doing some shopping when I spotted somebody with whom I once taught. It was a woman I knew pretty well, so I thought I’d have some fun with her.

She had her back turned and was sorting through some merchandise, so she was ripe for the pickin’ if you will. I maneuvered my way around the mannequins and racks of clothing, creeping up on her like a mall ninja. As I did, I put up the hood of my coat. You know, to enhance the effect.

As I crept closer, I considered my options. Just say “Boo!”? Grab her from behind? Nah, that might be too traumatizing. I finally decided to just get real close and whisper, “H-e-l-l-o-o-o-o-o-o-o . . .” in the creepiest way possible and enjoy her reaction.

I know, weird, but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Anyway, when I got to within about a foot of her I unleashed my “H-e-l-l-o-o-o” and waited for the hilarity to ensue.

As she whirled around, a shriek could be heard throughout the mall.

And it came from me.

Because the woman I’d sprung my sneak attack on was not the woman I knew. Yep, I’d just scared the bejesus out of a complete stranger.

Seriously, I have no idea who screamed louder, me or her. From somewhere behind me, a baby wailed.

My unintended victim backpedaled away, her hands up in self-defense and her mouth agape. All I could do was back up myself, put up my own hands to show her I possessed no weapons, and profusely try and explain this terrifying case of mistaken identity.

Yeah, she wasn’t listening. At this point she was too busy yammering on about security or something, although I couldn’t be sure. It was really hard to understand her with all the weeping and whatnot.

Rather than wait for the authorities and try to describe my actions, I made the prudent decision to vamoose. I scrammed. Actually it was more of a speed-walk out of Macy’s and into the throng of mall shoppers. I believe I passed a mall cop on a Segway speeding in the opposite direction at one point. And I may or may not have hid in the middle of one of those circular dress racks for a few minutes, but that’s neither here nor there.

But damn, from behind she sure looked like someone I knew.

From the front?

Not so much.

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