In Your Facebook, Zuckerberg!

Posted: February 21, 2016 in Great Ideas, Humor
Tags: ,

Let’s face it, Facebook has some inherent and obvious weaknesses that need fixed.untitled I’ve tried to lend my advice to the powers that be at the social network, but since that assclown Mark Zuckerberg won’t return my calls I’m taking another approach.

After much thought I’ve decided to start my own, infinitely better social media site, and I shall call it Shoebook, mainly because for the life of me I can’t come up with anything better. Suggestions welcome.

Admittedly, Shoebook will be similar to Facebook in many ways. However, there will be differences, some subtle and some not so subtle.

Let me explain.

On Shoebook, the “Like” button will only be one button option for reactions to posts. Isn’t it weird that your only option is to “like” a post? Because of this we have somebody posting about their Aunt Martha dying and it will have 12 “likes”. So you like the fact that Aunt Martha kicked the bucket? What’s up with that?

With that in mind, here are some other buttons that will available on Shoebook:


Of course there should be a Dislike button. How many time have you wished for one? I know I have. Often.


Oh, if I only had a dollar for every time I wished I had a Shut The F**k Up button. Now, instead of yelling it at the screen you can simply hit the button.


The Too Much Information button shall be used for those folks who insist on telling us every single tidbit of information about something, usually some disgusting illness. Example:

“Anyone know anything about cysts? I have a walnut-sized swelling in my groin area that is oozing puss like an over-ripe kumquat.”

Yep, TMI.


The Nobody Cares button is for people who constantly give us random, useless facts, such as:

“Having a Dr. Pepper and a Twizzler on my lunch break.”

Uh, O.K. Thanks for the update. On a related note, nobody cares. On Shoebook, you can simply hit that NC button.


The What the F**k? button is for those weird, confusing things people occasionally post, often late at night when they’re loaded. Here’s one:

“I wonder if woodpeckers get headaches?”

Or . . .

“My parakeet is looking at me funny. I think he’s planning something.”

On Shoebook, you can express your feelings with the WTF button!

Random thought: Perhaps all computers should come equipped with breathalyzer technology, and if you blow a .10 or over your computer will shut down. That way people wouldn’t wake up in the morning horrified at that selfie they took the night before at 3:00am, posing shirtless in front of their bathroom mirror. I’ll get my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied working on this ASAP.  

Random thought #2: Why is it always the bathroom mirror?


No, I’m not referring to the tasty treats from Dairy Queen. I’m talking about the Drama Queen button! We all know the Facebook Drama Queens and their ridiculous posts, correct? Those people that are always hemming and hawing about something or other, throwing every little problem they have in our face? On Shoebook you can let out your frustrations by hitting them with the DQ button!

By the way, I can live with the hemming but I really hate the hawing.


On Shoebook, the BM button shall be the Brag Much? button. This is for the Humblebraggers who post things like this:

“Seriously, why should Valentine’s Day be so special? I get my wife flowers every week.”

Oh, I’ll use the BM button liberally. Trust me.

In addition, on Shoebook your account will automatically be deactivated for 1-month after you receive any combination of 250 Dislikes, STFUs, TMIs, NCs, WTFs, DQs, BMs. You know, because if you’re not getting the point after a hundred or so, well, you’re an idiot who can’t take a hint.

Shoebook will also have a limit on selfies, ducklips, food, and children. I’m thinking one photo of little Ernie per year is sufficient.

Perhaps the greatest innovation Shoebook will have is an alternative to the Poke button, which I’ve never understood. I never know how to take a Poke. Is it a playful elbow to the ribs? A soft fist-punch  to the shoulder? Is it flirting? Is somebody mad at me? What is a Poke? Anyway, on Shoebook you will have the option of hitting the Slap button. This is for any post you consider slap-worthy. You’re welcome.

So in the future when you’re on Shoebook you might see something like this after a post:

3 Likes, 23 Dislikes, 179 STFUs.

If you do, you may want to think twice before hitting the Post button next time, re-evaluate your posting philosophy, take a hard look at yourself and consider quitting life altogether.

So there you go. Brilliant, amirite?

Look out Zuckerberg. I’m coming for you.

  1. Colin Kelley says:

    Man! I’m lovin this! It’s like you read my mind. Count me in Shoe, the checks in the mail. You are “da man”! Can’t wait until Shoebook is up and running!

  2. Colin Kelley says:

    Sign me up. Great ideas!

Gimme a holler.

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