Archive for January, 2016

1As I was researching my last post, the stimulating and thought provoking story about The Scout Duck, I came across an interesting bit of information. Well, to me at least. Perhaps you will find it boring and uninteresting. If this is true you may need to broaden your horizons and open your mind to new things, ya close-minded nitwit.

Sorry. I accidentally typed what I was really thinking there for a second.

But on to the interesting stuff.

For some reason I wasn’t sure what you call a bunch of flying ducks, although I was 97% sure it wasn’t a Bunch of Flying Ducks. Therefore, I searched it up on The Goggle and found that it was indeed called a flock. I also found that you call them a Raft of Ducks if they’re paddling about on the water. I also discovered a bunch of other cool words to be used when describing large groups of animals, which I found to be fascinating as all get out.

Note: The phrase “as all get out” has never made any sense to me. It’s sort of like “going to hell in a hand basket” which seems nonsensical as well. Whatever. 

Anywho, for those still with me, back to groups of animals and whatnot. I actually found a page with a list of what we call various groups of animals. What can I say? I love nature and stuff, and I may or may not have cried when I watched March of the Penguins.*

*Let’s keep that between us.

I shall now list my personal faves, partially for your enjoyment, but mostly for mine. Let us proceed . . .

A Shrewdness of Apes. What? Are apes shrewd? Is there something I’m not being told? Weird.

A Pace of Asses. So that’s what I should have been calling my co-workers all these years. I kid. Sort of.

1A Colony of Bats. Doesn’t a colony sort of imply organization and structure? Because that’s just horrifying.

A Gaggle of Geese. Apparently you only call them this when they’re on the ground. I would refer to them as a Shitload of Geese, because that’s what they leave behind wherever they go. Disgusting.

A Gang of Buffalo. Not a herd? Awesome. A gang is way cooler.

A Knot of Toads. Another one I like. “Watch your step, man! That’s a Knot of Toads!”

A Business of Ferrets. Perfect, because the ferrets I know are all business, all the time. Unless they get into the booze, and then it’s an orgy of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Ferrets can’t hold their alcohol.

A Tower of Giraffes. There is absolutely nothing funny to add here, because that’s just perfect, isn’t it?

Note 2: Wait. Random thought. Why do only large animals stampede? Why can’t we have squirrel stampedes, which incidentally would be awesome? Rabbit stampedes? Chipmunk stampedes? The mind reels.

A Convocation of Eagles. This is awesome because it’s so majestic. Perfect for eagles, except I didn’t think eagles hung out in large groups. If they did, though, it would be a great thing to stumble across in the forest somewhere, no?

A Descent of Woodpeckers.  That sounds like a really bad horror movie waiting to happen.

A Bloat of Hippopotamuses. This seems plausible because a single hippo does indeed look 1bloated, and a group of them would seem to be bloated times whatever. On a related note, if a lady hippo asks you if she looks bloated to you, tell her no.

A Cackle of Hyenas. Once again, this is perfect, amirite? Thought: I need to know what you call a bunch of sloths, because if they don’t have a name I have one for them – A Trudge of Sloths. You’re welcome, sloths.

A Leap of Leopards. Isn’t that in a Christmas song or something? 9 leopards leaping? Wait. I think that’s lords that are leaping. Never mind.

A Labor of Moles. My third grade teacher had a labor of moles, but that’s neither here nor there. Bottom line, it was disgusting. Oh, we’re talking about the little dudes who dig tunnels in the ground? Disregard.

A Romp of Otters. If Otters romping doesn’t make you smile you have a cold, black heart.

A Crash of Rhinoceroses. Genius. Pure genius. Nothing says “crash” like a group of rhinos, really.

1A Murder of Crows.  I love this one. A Murder of Crows. Sounds so ominous and dark. Very Poe-esque. Love it.

A Fall of Woodcocks. I got nuthin’ here. Nothing appropriate anyway. Actually I have something but I just can’t pull the trigger.

An Exaltation of Larks. Yes, I saved the best for last. Say it. An Exaltation of Larks. Oh how I want to see a bunch of larks so I can look up and say, “Behold! An Exaltation of Larks!” Hey, a guy can dream, can’t he?

In conclusion, admit it. You knew some of these but not all, right? It’s OK to admit that you learned something today. I know I did.

Now I must be off. All this writing has made me hungry for a Bed of Oysters.

Man, Tyson was doing great there for a minute, wasn’t he? Just taking a shortcut like a boss and trying to catch up with the big dogs until that damn hole got in the way. Can’t keep a good pup down a hole though, huh? Roll on, Tyson. Roll on.

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Man, this guy’s execution leaves much to be desired, huh? Everybody knows that when pulling the old “hit by a bus insurance scam” you dart out at the last second. Only a nitwit would make a 20-yard headlong charge right into the bus. Oh, you you always check for cameras too. Weaksauce, man. Up your game, son.

Insurance-Scam-Bus-Fail-Caught-On-Camera

In the month after the attack on Pearl Harbor the US Army’s Eighth Air Force was established in Savannah, Georgia.
It had seven men and no planes.
Less than a year later, it was tasked with defeating the most powerful air force in the world – the German Luftwaffe.
26,000 Eighth Air Force men would die, more than all the US Marines lost in all of World War II.
But Hitler and his army were defeated.

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Possums and opossums look almost identical, however, they’re different species. Possums are found in Australia, while opossums inhabit the USA.
Opossums.

Opossums.

Put him in the Hall of Fame!

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Apparently branding has replaced tattoos as the new trend in body art, and this is an example of it. Is it me or is anyone else disgusted by this look? It looks like like it could rip right off if you rubbed against a door jam or something. Nasty, man.

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Not only did the guy who flew out of the truck survive, apparently the dude in the white t-shirt is perfectly fine as well. Lucky bros, man.

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The Daily Mail: A Buddhist monk slashed the wheels of 162 cars after he monkbecame angry when he accidentally squashed an insect. Julian Glew, 45, who has lived in a tent in the woodlands for 20-years, went on the three-day barefoot rampage because of his religious beliefs.

He has now been jailed for 11 weeks after the judge said his actions were ‘not those of a person who lives for a peaceful co-existence.’ 

Glew became frustrated and upset after inadvertently squashing the insect in September last year. 

He was described as being ‘detached from society’ and having previously lived in a Buddhist monastery. 

Nothing more dangerous than a pissed-off Buddhist monk, amirite? Poor Julian Glew. Dude has been living peacefully in his tent in the woods for 20-years, vowing to never harm a living creature, then one day he accidentally steps on a Yellow Sap Beetle and all hell breaks loose. Gotta vent somehow, ya know? Why not go on a barefoot rampage and slash the wheels of 162 cars? And I love how he he was described as being “detached from society.” Gee, ya think? What was your first clue? The 20-years in a tent in the woods thing? Good Lord.

Penguins, man.

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Hard to believe that Shoe: Untied is unavailable in some areas. Sad really.

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Seriously. They are.

fails

It works 60% of the time, all the time.

HoopsHeadShot

Seriously, that growl is impressive.

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Check out the African Clawed Frog, man. Claws like you read about. This has gotta bad news for snakes and lizards, huh? Yikes. These guys are tongueless and toothless, sorta like that weird uncle you only see at family reunions. They also eat almost anything living, dying, or dead and any type of organic waste. Disgusting, man. Anywho, African Clawed Frog.

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So below is a letter that a South Carolina student sent to the local paper. The letter speaks for itself. My comments follow.

letter

Sigh. And so it continues. We can’t boo, we can’t chant anything negative, we can’t insult our opponent in any way. We don’t want any hurt feelings, now do we? Good grief. People fail in sports and get called on it. That’s part of the deal. If athletes don’t realize that fans are going to get on them and it hurts their feelings I recommend they, you know, do something else. And I have a suggestion for Paige Pierce. Enjoy college. Go out and have a beer with your friends. Perhaps a wine spritzer. Oh, and give your ticket to a real fan.

So somebody sent me a photo of this ninny eating wings at Hooter’s. What you see is not an illusion. He’s wearing rubber gloves. I have a couple of observations here other than the obvious one, which is that this guy is a wimp of the highest order. First off, I don’t care if the guy is a businessman, doctor or whoever and doesn’t want to make a mess, this is unacceptable behavior for any real American Male. That’s what napkins are for, dumbass. And tell me, does Hooter’s supply these gloves? Either way it’s an awful move but if this guy brings his own gloves it 100-times worse.

Sigh. More proof that the Wussification of America is alive and well.

Note: Had I been sitting near this assclown I’d have been compelled to call him on it. Behavior such as this cannot pass unscathed.

hoootersgloves

Awesome.

PhotoCaribbeanIslandofBonaire

Yuck.

tapeworm

Enlightening.

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Electric.

frey

Yes, I’ve had students like this.

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Makes you think a little.

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Looks prehistoric.

AnimalWhale

AUSTELL, Ga. — An Austell man shot by police after he allegedly attacked taserofficers with a Taser is recovering at a hospital.

Police told Georgia Bureau of Investigation agents that the man, identified as 31-year-old Timothy Duffy, became agitated as officers talked with him. His behavior continue to escalate, police said, and he then allegedly attacked an officer. An officer fired a Taser at Duffy. During the struggle, Duffy managed to take a Taser from one of the officers and fired it, hitting the officer multiple times, police said. Two other officers fired at and hit the suspect. In a written release, the GBI said Duffy continued to attack and refused to drop the Taser.

After being shot by officers, Duffy was taken to Grady Memorial Hospital. His injuries are not considered to be life-threatening. He was listed in stable condition on Monday afternoon.

Neighbors of Duffy told 11 Alive’s Duffie Dixon that they found it hard to believe that he’d be involved in a scuffle with police.

“Always a good dad out there with all their kids,” said Dawn Wilde. “One of the few people that I’ve seen who’ll be out there with the kids — all of them riding their bikes. Even at the pool in the summer, he’d be out there supervising other kids.”

Ballsy move here, huh?  Think you’re gonna tase me, po-po? Think again. You’re gonna get tased. I mean, you have to have a sort of grudging respect for Timothy Duffy, amirite? After all, he’s a good dad with all the kids. Let’s not hold the fact that he steals tasers from cops and uses it on them against him.

PS – Anyone wanna guess what Dawn Wilde does for a living? I think I know.