Rating the Oscar Gift Bag Goodies

Posted: December 27, 2015 in Humor, Opinion

The call it the swag. The cool stuff that everyone attending The Oscars receives in a gift bag. 1This year’s bag was worth over $86,000.000, I kid you not. I found the list and I thought I’d show it to you, along with my fascinating insight. Oh, and every item gets a thumbs-up or a thumbs-down.

Let’s get to it . . .

1. DrainWig plug that prevents hair clogging the drain – $6.49

Clearly not the best gift for yours truly. Seriously, the DrainWig? Thumbs down.

2. Fabric wrap from European company Wrag Wrap – $15

What the hell is fabric wrap? Seriously, I’ve never heard of this and I own no fabric that needs wrapping. Thumbs-down.

3. Organic pet shampoo from Simon’s Happy Pet – $15

Bingo! Now we’re talking. Something I can actually use. Then again, Sparky’s has no problem with his Hart’s Lemon Scented Ultra-Guard Shampoo, so I see no need to change. Still, thumbs-up.

4. Six-pack of Naked Luxury condoms – $20

Moving right along . . .*

5. Three-in-one dry-cleaning bags from Green Garmento – $23

Huh? Three-in-one?  What does that mean? Three articles of clothing in one bag? I haven’t dry-cleaned anything since 1983 so I have no use for this. Thumbs-down.

6. Bluetooth camera shutter remote for Apple products from HISY – $24.99

Very useful, and I’d accept it gratefully. Very cool. Thumbs-up.

7. AVIV 613 Vodka – $30

Never heard of this particular brand, but I’d be willing to give it a try. Thumbs-up.

8. Herbal tea-based lollipops from Dosha Pops – $35

Herbal tea-based lollipops? Really? Who wants that? That’s such a Hollywood idea I can’t stand it. In addition, it sounds awful. Thumbs-down.

9. Hydroxycut weight loss gummies, protein bars, and shakes – $38.96

Meh, not horrible I guess. I’ve been known to eat a protein bar or two. A noncommittal thumbs-up.

10. ‘Honey’ made from organic apples from Bee Free Honee – $39

I love honey. Big honey guy here. Love me some honey in my coffee. Thumbs-up.

11. Tea from Blossom Blends – $49.95

What’s with all the tea? Is tea really popular with actors or something? Thumbs-down.

12. ‘Loaded: The Story of a Ghost’ graphic novel – $49.95

That’s the weirdest title ever, and gives me no clue as to what the book’s about. Still, I love books so I’d read it. Thumbs-up.

13. A DVD advertising cash off the services of aspiring film maker Charles Van Loucks – $50

What? This qualifies as a gift? I call bogus. Thumbs-down.

14. Dinnerware from Slimware – $59

I actually need forks and knives, so this would work out for me. Thumbs-up.

15. Cannonball Wines – $60

Not a huge wine guy, but sure. Thumbs-up.

16. Caramels and sweets from Betty Jane Candies – $69.75

I love caramel. I love caramel on vanilla ice cream, I love caramel in chocolate candy bars. I love caramel on anything. Thumbs-up.

17. Candles that double as perfume and warm massage oil from Objects with Purpose – $70

I believe I could find a use for this. Thumbs-up.

18. Horse shampoo and conditioner made for human hair from Mane ‘N Tail – $95.35

Hold on a second. Horse shampoo made for humans that costs $95? Say what? This makes sense on no level. Somebody needs to explain this to me. Thumbs-down.

19. Beauty products from M3K Beauty – $100

I could re-gift this, no sweat. Thumbs-up.

20. Organic makeup products by Diane Capt – $105

It seems as if everything on this list is organic. Organic this, organic that. Thumbs-down.

21. Activity tracker from Polar Loop – $109.95

I have zero idea what this is, but I don’t want my activities tracked, that’s for sure. Thumbs-down.

22. Go Pro hair dryer from Coolway – $120

Isn’t Go Pro one of those cameras you stick on your head or something? They make hair dryers? Thumbs-down.

23. Two Mace pepper guns – $120

ABSOLUTELY. I’ll use them on the angry clown that’s looking for me. Big thumbs-up.

24. Accessories from CherryT Knit & Co. $158

Knitting accessories? Who am I, your Aunt Heloise? No thank you. Thumbs-down.

25. Hookahzz E-Cigarettes and E-Liquids – $162

I know what a Hookah is and I know what E-Cigarettes are, but what the hell are E-Liquids? This list is so LA it hurts. Thumbs-down.

26. Shellfish knife set – $185

$185.00 worth of Shellfish knives? Good God. Pretty sure you can get them for $17.99 at any 7-11 near the beach. Thumbs-down.

27. Leather iPhone 5 case from Vetvik – $230

A $230.00 iPhone case? Seriously? And I looked it up. Not that cool. Thumbs-down.

28. Leather purse from Jitseu. A $279

Is this Jitseu any relation to Joe Jitseu? Because that would be super. I’ll take the chance. Thumbs-up.

29. Portable camera and app from Narrative Clip – $279

Sounds alright. Thumbs-up.

30. Organic maple syrup from Rouge Maple – $280

Maple Syrup! And surprise, surprise! It’s organic! Thumbs-down.

31. Swiss-made Slow Watch – $290

Who wants a slow watch? Sort of defeats the purpose, right? I’ll take a Swiss Army Knife and I’ll take Swiss Cheese, but I will not take a Slow Swiss Watch. Thumbs-down.

32. Organic skin, body, and hair products from Acure – $300

I’m not usually into these types of products, but shockingly these are organic. On a related note, thumbs-down.

33. Jan Lewis bangle bracelet made from wood shapes – $400

A $400.00 wooden bracelet? OK. Sounds like another re-gift situation. Thumbs-up.

34. House call with acupuncturist and nutritionist Heather Lounsbury – $500

Now we’re talkin’. The only thing I’ve never tried for my migraines is acupuncture and I’ve always wanted to. Big thumbs-up!

35. Lifetime membership to a meditation gym from Headspace.com – $500

How California is a “Meditation Gym”? Seriously? Jeebus. Thumbs-down.

36. Tickets to all-kid pro Cirque troupe, Le Petit Cirque – $575

Does this include kid clowns? Because that would be terrifying. Thumbs-down.

37. Max Martin luxury shoes – $750

If you added up all the shoes I’ve bought in my lifetime I’m not sure it would add up to $750.00. Thumbs-down.

38. 10 personal training sessions with Huntley Drive Fitness – $850

Wait. There’s no meditation involved? Bush League. Thumbs-down.

39. Supplies from Epic Pet Health – $1,571.98

SC-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-RE!!!!!! I have an epic pet, so this is a win all-around! Hold on . . . Sparky wants to know if cheeseballs are included. Thumbs-up!

40. Five-night stay at the Koloa Landing Resort in Hawaii – $2,000

Wh-o-o-o-o-o-p! Two in a row! Hells to the Yah! THUMBS-UP!

41. Home spa system from Steamist – $2560

Wow, a home spa system. Sounds as if a steambath is involved and I’m all about a good steambath. This is several types of goodness and the possibilities are endless. Massive thumbs-up.

42. ‘O-Shot’ procedure to help a woman’s sex drive – $2,700

I have no idea what an “O-Shot” is but this sounds like a win-win situation for everybody. Thumbs-up!

43. Resort stay at the Imanta’s Ocean Casa suite in Mexico – $3,300

Listen, I’m more of the real, old Caribbean type of guy (see Montserrat) and not a big fan of resorts like Atlantis and Sandals, mainly because of the rich, pretentious tourists who go there and pretend they’re in the Caribbean. In reality all those resorts are the same whether they’re in the Dominican, Aruba, or Viet Nam. That said, if it’s free I’m there. Thumbs-up!

44. Water filtration system from Krystal Klear Water – $4895

I couldn’t care less about filtering my water. I drank out of the garden hose for the first 15-years of my life and I’m just fine, thank you. These businesses who sell or purify water are scams. Thumbs-down.

45. Artworks from Gizara – $5,000

Hey, I’m a cultured dude. Big art guy here. Art me baby! Thumbs-up.

46. 10,000 meal donations from Ellen DeGeneres’ Halo Spot’s Stew pet food to a shelter of the nominee’s choice – $6,100

Yep, and I’d let Sparky pick. Big thumbs-up!

47. Two-day Rocky Mountaineer train excursion from Vancouver to Alberta in the Canadian Rockies – $6,850

Sounds fun. Especially if there’s a bar onboard and they’re pet friendly. Thumbs-up!

48. Trip to Las Vegas including tickets to shows, backstage passes to meet Meatloaf and Boyz II Men and two nights at the Riviera Penthouse Suite – $9,000

Pretty good gift but I have to say this – I met Meatloaf once and he was a prick. Nor do I care to meet Boyz II Men, though I’m sure they’re nice enough fellas. Penthouse Suite though? Oh yeah. Thumbs-up.

49. Walking tour around Japan from Walk Japan – $15,000

Ding-ding-ding! We have a winner! This would be very very cool. I’ve never been to Japan but a Walking Tour sounds su-weet. Thumbs-up!

All-in-all a pretty good Bag ‘o’ Swag, don’t you think? I’d take it in a heartbeat. Sure, there were some lame gifts in there but I think the good outweighs the bad.

On a related note, I’ve heretofore added another item to my Bucket List – wrangle an invitation to the Oscars. Don’t count me out.


Gimme a holler.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s