Bad Christmas Cards: Back by Popular Demand

Posted: December 7, 2015 in Humor
Tags: , ,

So over the years I’ve posted some of my favorite “Bad Christmas Cards”and each and every one has been wildly popular. This year I thought I’d combine them all into one glorious, spectacular blog. I’ll post the photos, followed by my biting, snarkilicious commentary. Enjoy.

See? They’re a Christmas Tree! Note to self: In the future, let dad choose the photo pose before the traditional eggnog shots. Note II: Little Carly sure looks thrilled there on the bottom left, huh?

“Honey, be sure and put on a nice shirt. We’re getting our Christmas photo tonight.”

If a dog’s eyes ever cried out “Somebody save me” in a photo, this is that photo.

Amber Alert! Amber Alert! And what have this couple done to those elves?

Visual proof that no matter how jealous you’re trying to make your ex-wife, you should never, ever rent one of Santa’s retired hookers for your family photo.

What, dad’s not good enough for the matching PJs? What the hell? Seriously, I think this would have been perfect if he’d gone with a Santa’s hat only. And pasties over the man boobs would’ve topped things off perfectly.

Q: “Remember the year mom made our Christmas outfits from wrapping paper?”

A: “Oh yeah. Wasn’t that the year we accidentally threw out baby Margaret with the trash?”

Uh, lady? That ain’t a yule log behind you.

“Send us 100 Larry the Cable Guy videos or you’ll never see Santa again.”

When you get sent to Nerd Family Prison, this is what you’ll wear.

Nobody saw the signs that this would be young Calvin’s last Christmas.

The exact moment that grandpa decided that the decision to have unprotected sex with grandma was his life’s biggest mistake.

Some Christmas Cards just exude sex appeal. This is not one of those cards.

Baby Glen remained surprisingly relaxed considering his mom and dad were Siamese Twins joined at the head.

For reasons unknown to me, I feel that a baby goat is the only pet this couple could possibly have. And God that goat looks miserable.

As a prank, the fellas told Larry that the Ugly Christmas Sweater Party was actually a 70’s Disco Rave.

Minutes later, to Larry’s horror, his favorite Diana Ross doll was eaten by a jealous Bubba the Bulldog.

Weird Al Yankovic’s younger brother Ziggy was always jealous of his older sibling’s success. Sadly, he took out his frustration on his cat Zelda, the only pussy he’d ever known. On a related note, I hate myself right now.

Hey, when you look that fabulous and know it it’s hard to contain your joy. I ain’t mad at him.

Taken moments before Marla’s pet monkey Scarlet attacked the photographer for his insensitive comment regarding Marla’s lack of pants.


Note to all teenagers: Never get into a hot tub with a man wearing a porn mustache.












Although Myrna’s twin babies were born minutes apart, Big Hank always seemed more mature than little Alex.


Because nothing says Christmas like a suburban white family pretending to be rappers.


Taken mere moments before Bob the Duck snapped, putting a final and bloody end to the human’s domination of the animals.


Sadly, only when the stench began to spread did everyone realize Santa was dead.


Spreading holiday STDs since 1973.


Few know that Kris Kringle’s younger brother Roy branched off to start his own unsuccessful tradition, The Annual Stuffing of the Teddy Bears.


Rudolph has really let himself go. On a related note, looks like mom’s about to get rear-ended.


One year the Farnarkle’s tried to give themselves away for Christmas, only to be returned to Nerds ‘r’ Us on the 26th.


HOLY MOTHER! The over-under on the number of people buried in this couple’s backyard is 12.


Yes honey, I know. Sometimes you can be a little TOO close to The North Pole.


When the authorities finally busted into Blitzen’s apartment, here’s what they found mounted on the wall.



Gimme a holler.

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