Updating My “Things I Hate” List

Posted: November 16, 2015 in Humor, Opinion, Words
Tags: , ,

angryI know, I know, I’ve written about some of this before and in fact I’m going to repeat myself a couple times. Still, it all begs for an update. Why? Because people continue to overuse and/or misuse dumb cliches.

Without further ado, here’s a list of things people say that drive me loco:

“Baby Daddy”

Baby Daddy. Doesn’t that sort of insinuate that the man who got you pregnant is something other than, you know, a father? I’m pretty sure my dad was never referred to as my mom’s “baby daddy.” Good grief.

“Baby Bump”

Listen up. A bump is something you hit on the road, not a woman’s belly when she’s expecting. Stop it.

“It is what it is”

Yes it is, because it’s the only thing it can be. It can’t be what it isn’t, folks. You basically just said it is = it is. I can tell you what it really is, and that is stupid.

“Moving forward”

Over the past couple years this inane phrase has reared its ugly head. To wit:

“I have high hopes for my team moving forward.”

“Moving forward, we want to improve our test scores.”

“Moving forward, I’d like to see more intelligent conversations regarding the philosophies of Kant and Nietzsche.”

You know, stuff like that.

But I don’t really get it. Aren’t we all moving forward all the time? We can’t move backwards, though God knows there’ve been times I would have liked to. It seems to me that, in most cases, you could simply leave that phrase out. It’s not needed because it’s nearly always implied.

Those three examples I used up there? Let’s say them without the “moving forward” nonsense:

“I have high hopes for my team moving forward.”

Moving forward, we want to improve our test scores.”

Moving forward I’d like to see more intelligent conversations regarding the philosophies of Kant and Nietzsche.”

See? All three statements totally work without the dumb words “moving forward” inserted. In fact they’re better, more streamlined and economical. Amazing really. You’re welcome.

“Keepin’ it real”

And by keeping it real they mean just letting whatever pops into their head come flying straight out of their mouth, right? Why is keeping it real some sort of badge of honor? Isn’t it easier to “keep it real” than otherwise? Isn’t it more honorable to hold your tongue and not always say what you’re thinking? I mean, I guess I should just go around letting whatever I’m thinking just come flying out of my mouth:

“Hey, that’s one butt-ugly wife you have there, Mr. Schmertzel.”

Or . . .

“Hey boss, your daughter looks like a cross between Yoda and E.T. Hey-O!” 

Nah. Shut your piehole, dumbass.

“I know, right?”

Boy it’s cold out today.”

I know, right?

Good God. I’ve no idea where it started, but “I know, right?” took over a few years ago and won’t go away. Sheesh.

“Giving 110%”

No you didn’t. I hate this phrase, and not just because it’s mathematically impossible. And why is it always 110%? Why stop there? Why not 120%? 200%? 587%? Anyway, my point has always been you can’t give 110%. If you don’t believe me, try withdrawing 110% from your savings account or eating 110% of a pie. You can’t do it, damn it. Hell, I’d venture to say you can’t even give 100%. It would more than likely kill you, right? I’d say the most ball-busting, hard working, crazy-ass athlete out there is giving around 85%. Hey, you gotta rest sometime.

By the way, Larry Bird? 97%.

“Everything happens for a reason”

Really? Does everything happen for a reason or just certain things? I only hear people say this after some serious event has taken place. For instance, this morning I stubbed my toe getting out of the shower. Did that happen for a reason? If so, what was the reason? Because I really want to know. The other day I dropped my cell phone in the urinal at Rooster’s. Reason being . . . what? I’m waiting, because you DID say everything after all. Hey, I’m as spiritual as the next guy but I’m thinking most things just happen randomly for no reason at all and people say otherwise in order to help them deal with life. If we believe things happen for a reason, that everything is going according to some MASTER PLAN, then it’s out of our control and there’s no reason to worry about it and everything is going to be okie-dokie.

Sorry for being a buzzkill, kids. Don’t hate me for it.

“I could care less”

Listen carefully here. If you COULD care less it means you care, at the very least, a little. If you truly don’t care in the least you’re supposed to say I COULDN’T care less.” That is all.

“It’s going to come down to who wants it more”

No, actually it’s going to come down to who scores the most points. Sometimes the team who wants it more actually loses. Sorry. By the way, World War II? We wanted it more.

“Literally”

Say hello to the most misused word in the English language. Read, print off and carry the following with you all times:

Literally / Lit·er·al·ly: In a literal manner or sense; exactly.

So, children, when you say you were “literally scared to death” you’re saying you were actually, you know, dead. And if so you wouldn’t be able to utter the incorrect grammar you just uttered. Jeebus.

“Don’t take this the wrong way”, “With all due respect” or “No offense”

This is said just before you’re about to insult the living hell out of somebody. True story: I was once at a gas station in town and a guy was getting gas on the other side of the pump. He took a look at me, did a double-take, and delivered this memorable quote:

Hey, you look like that guy who coaches basketball out at Paint Valley. No offense.”

Wait. What? No offense? NO OFFENSE? Why would I be offended for looking like that guy who coaches basketball at Paint Valley? Then again, maybe I don’t want to know.

“From the get-go”

I’ve witnessed a lot of beginnings in my time, and I’ve also seen a couple of things start. Hell, I’ve even been present at the onset of a couple things. But I can guarantee you I haven’t ever been around at the “get-go” of anything. You know why? Because “get-go” doesn’t mean a damn thing.

“Between a rock and a hard place”

I know what this means, but here’s my problem with it – what exactly is a hard place?

“Whatever”

I blame the 80’s Valley Girls for this one. Such a dismissive term. Whatever.

“At the end of the day”

Worn out, man, and way overused. Suggestion – let’s replace this dumb cliche with “ultimately.” Trust me, you’ll sound much smarter.

“Just sayin'”

Thank you for clarifying that the thing you just said is a thing you are saying.

“YOLO”

“You Only Live Once” is usually an excuse for doing something selfish, irresponsible, or dumb. Don’t punish your friends with this stupid abbreviation on top of it. Oh, and remember: YODO, too.

Oh, there’s one more thing that drives me crazy. It’s the habit a lot of people have required that leads to them ending every freaking sentence with an upward inflection. I call this “rising intonation” and every line they utter sounds like a question. You know what I mean? Maybe I should let Stewie Griffin explain:

Well said, Stew. Well said indeed.

So that’s about it. Thus concludes my latest contribution to society. Remember, I’m here for ya, kids.

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Comments
  1. KimC says:

    Can we add “reached out to”? As in: “I reached out to the client yesterday.” Really? Did you call? Email? Text? Send a nice greeting card via the USPS??? I want to reach out and smack people who use that phrase.

Gimme a holler.

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