Are You a Modern Man?

Posted: October 5, 2015 in Humor, Men and Women, Opinion
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So GQ has released another list, this one called “27 Ways to be a Modern timthumbMan”, written by some doofus named Brian Lombardi. As always, it’s incredibly dumb and begs for my insight. And I had to admit, it had me wondering.

Am I a modern man? Well, hell, let’s find out.

Let us proceed. GQ’s list is in italics followed by my thoughts:

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

Ruh-roh. Hell if I’m not off to a horrendous start here. I’m supposed to know if Jimmy Choo or Christian Louboutin shoes run big or small? Ain’t happenin’ folks. If this is a race I’m still in the starting blocks.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly.

Hell yes. Learned this from my dad. Never let ’em see you sweat. I once saw dad practically slice his thumb off on a lawnmower blade and act as if he had a hangnail. Nothing modern about this attitude, GQ.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

A ruckus? We’re supposed to wait for a riot to break out in the theater to have some popcorn? Da hell, GQ? Dumb, man.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

This list confuses the hell out of me. Why is this the action of the modern man? I do this, my father did this, my grandfather did this, George Washington did this, and Alley Oop did this.* Nothing about this list makes sense to me.

*Alley Oop is a comic strip caveman. If you don’t know that shame on you.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10-minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

Oh, I’m 100% down with this one. I’ve been with a, ahem, heavyset friend of mine who will drive around the lot 20-times looking for a spot with a shorter walk. Hell, we coulda been in the store 10-minutes ago, chubby. I just park in the first spot I see and get on with my life.

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

Well, I have no spouse and my kid is 27, but I’ll tell you right now. There’s zero chance I’d make sure their electronic devices are charged for the night. Talk about enabling laziness and lack of responsibility, man. Charge your own stuff.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr. Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

Huh? Dr. Pepper is a regular cola and Mountain Dew is not? Is Brian Lombardi brain-damaged or something? And who walks into somebody’s house looking for a soda? Where I come from, if you do that you’ll get a shotgun blast to the chest cavity.

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

Speaking of simpleton, Brian Lombardi is the definition of one. So I have to call a car and automobile? A plane an airplane? This guy’s an idiot.

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

Once again I fail. Little did I know that by not having a daughter I wouldn’t be complete. Here I’ve been stumbling through life not learning new stuff every day, all because I’ve never had a daughter. Sad really.

10. The modern man makes sure that the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

Wait. You have to put the dishes away?  I’m a step ahead of you, mister. I’ve eliminated the middle man, so to speak. I just wash the dishes, put them on the rack, and get them when I need them again. Cabinets are for suckers.

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

See, this is what confuses me. Everything’s backwards. Don’t modern men use Twitter and Instagram and Facebook and stuff? What am I missing here?

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.

Oh, for God’s sake. By modern man is this guy referring to my grandfather? I’m an Axe liquid soap guy, man. Deal with it.

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.

I swear to God I don’t even know how to respond to this. You have to listen to a 23-year old hip-hop band to be modern? Da fugg? On a related note, give me Snoop all day.

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.

Incorrect, jackass. The reason you take your phone into the grocery store is to avoid speaking with other human beings. You see somebody coming and immediately bring that thing up to your ear and pretend to be listening intently. Then you just hope it doesn’t ring because that’s just awkward.

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole Oxfords.

That picture you see below is what Kenneth Cole Oxford’s look like, because I looked it up. Turns out I once had a pair – in 1984. On the other hand, I do prefer hardwood flooring.

kenneth-cole-chief-executive-oxford-shoe-black-original-2957

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off so that his wife has a chance to get away.

Being the gentleman that I am, I’ve always let the lady choose her side of the bed. That said, if anyone tries to intrude Sparky will chew his face off.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

Negatory. I’ve never balled a melon in my life nor do I plan to. In addition, I don’t eat cantaloupe or honeydew and I eat watermelon by the humongous slice with my teeth, with the juices rolling gloriously down my face. Thank you and goodnight.

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.

Naw. I usually just walk on it until it slides on. In an emergency I’ll use a tablespoon. Woot!

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.

Who does Brian Lombardi think I am, Ward Cleaver? But seriously, I’m torn on the whole flower thing. I mean they die, right? Isn’t that sort of a negative symbolism? I mean, every relationship in which I’ve bought flowers has died on the stem, just like the flowers. See what I did there? It was the flower’s fault.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.

Full disclosure. About 20% of the time I’ve been the little spoon, and being vulnerable has nothing to do with it. There are advantages to being the little spoon. I’ll stop now.

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

I have no daughter, but that’s one helluva disgusting visual. If I had such a daughter she would be scolded. I hate that kind of stuff. Blech.

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.

Half-naked? You ain’t seen nothin’, man. That’s minor league stuff. On a related note, why would you describe a newspaper as “crisp“? Are you going to eat it after you read it?

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).

I went to IMDb and scrolled through the list of Michael Mann movies. Turns out I’ve seen 2 of 17,  or a rousing 11.7% rate. And hey, that’s counting Last of the Mohicans which I walked out of. I didn’t even watch Miami Vice that he produced on television. Modern Mann I’m not.

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.

W-e-l-l, I’ve been known to send a group text to my basketball team asking for a charger when I’m at school and my cell is battery is running low, so I don’t meet this criteria either. Man, that Brian Lombardi is a douchestick, isn’t he?

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

I don’t currently own a gun, but I do own a couple aluminum baseball bats, a machete, a WWI Bayonet, several knives, a 1944 Shunta-Ginto Japanese sword, my fists, and a 21-pound Jack Russell Terrier that will rip your throat out if you look at me funny. So, you know, there’s that.

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

Listen, I’m going to be honest. I shed a tear from time to time, and it usually involves animals, mostly dogs. Humans? Not so much. But cry often? I wouldn’t go that far. Then again, movies that have made me cry include Marley & Me, Brian’s Song, Old Yeller, Dead Poet’s Society, and E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial when I thought E.T. was dead. I also cry at the end of virtually every episode of Undercover Boss. I probably should shut up now.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.

Hmmm, pretty sure I don’t have a “jam” nor am I much of a dancer. If I was I’m also pretty sure I wouldn’t go out there and “put on a clinic.” Just not my style I suppose. Oh, I’ll slow dance but that’s about it. Anyway, another fail it seems.

So whaddaya think? Pretty lame list isn’t it? Or is it me? Maybe some of you true “modern men” understand this completely.

Nah. I’m guessing not.

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