38 new emojis to be unleashed next year, texters everywhere brace for impact.

Posted: May 25, 2015 in Humor, Opinion
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The Unicode Consortium is an actual organization that is in charge of those little emojis folks use when texting and whatnot. Seriously, it’s a consortium. It has announced that there’ll be 38, count ’em, 38 new emojis unleashed on the public next year.

Here are a few of them, along with my snarkily witty observations . . .

Face with Cowboy Hat

Well, of course we have to have a face with a cowboy hat. We can use it when texting words like “howdy” or “yeehaw.”  Makes sense to me.

Clown Face

Damn it! That’s all I need, more clowns. I’m betting it’s terrifying. I hate clowns and they hate me.

Nauseated Face

Well, dur. Of course we need a nauseated face. I shall us this one without prejudice or regard for human life. You know, because I’m nauseated by people a lot.

Rolling on the Floor Laughing

Seriously? We’re that lazy? We can’t type ROFL? Good grief.

Drooling Face

G-r-e-a-t. Just what the perverts need. A girl posts a photo of herself and boom, Drooling Face appears. Beware the Drooling Face, ladies.

Lying Face

What? What’s the lying face going to look like? Wait. This?

Yep. That’s gotta be it.

“Call me” Hand

Ah, the “Call me” hand. Of course. I see a need for the “Call me” hand. Everyone needs a “Call me” hand emoji. On a related note, I will never use the “Call me” hand.

Selfie

Why would anyone ever use a selfie emoji? Seriously? I can’t think of any context in which it would be used. Anybody? Bueller? Bueller?

Raised Back of Hand

Also known as the Chris Brown, Ike Turner or Ray Rice emoji. Seriously, a raised back of the hand? What’s next, a black eye emoji?

Pregnant Woman

Really ladies? This is how you’re going to let us know? Good God a’mighty.

Face Palm

I actually sort of like the Face Palm. Like when some idiot really does something dumb you whip out the face palm emoji. I can see myself face palming like a boss.

Shrug

Finally, the long awaited “I don’t give a shit” emoji. And it’s about time, amirite?

Man Dancing

I suppose this can be used to replace all the happy faces? OK.

Prince

Huh? Prince? Like “Little Red Corvette” Prince? Or just a regular prince? And under what circumstances would you use a prince emoji? I’m going to go lay down.

Mother Christmas

Oh, Gawd. Really? Is this a women’s rights thing or something? Gotta have a female Santa Claus? This is an example of political emoji correctness run amok if I ever saw one.

Wilted Flower

Ain’t gonna lie. I’ll use the wilted flower emoji. You ask your girlfriend out, she responds that she has other plans, boom, wilted flower comin’ right back at her. No doubt about it. On a related note, a deflating balloon would work too.

Black Heart

Oh, how I’ll use the black heart. I practically invented the black heart. I accuse people of having a black heart almost daily. Black hearts abound in this dark world, and the black heart emoji has arrived to let them know about it.

The last few new emojis are all food, and why most of these foods were chosen is a mystery to me. Here they are:

Croissant  – Seriously? A croissant? Where are we, France? Gimme a donut, baby.
Avocado – I swear to God, the Unicode Consortium folks must be batshit crazy. Avocados?
Cucumber – Boy, this one could go sideways in a hurry. No comment.
Bacon – Yessir! No we’ll talkin! I shall use the bacon emoji liberally and whenever I want to express happiness. Bacon!

Seriously, other than the magnificent bacon the other three foods are noteworthy only for their high level of boringness.

Without further ado, I heretofore present my suggestions for new emojis. Unicode Consortium, read and learn:

Cheez-It

‘Nuff said.

The Finger

Yes, that finger. It would undoubtedly be the #1 most-used emoji in existence. You don’t think I’m right, you know I am.

1aaa

 

 

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