17 of the Coolest Gifts for Guys this Christmas! Or not.

Posted: December 16, 2014 in Humor, Opinion
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So I ran across this article on break.com yesterday, and it purports to list the Top 17 Coolest Gifts for Men this Christmas. Well, as you might imagine, it begs for my razor-sharp wit and snarky insight. I’ll give a thumbs-up or thumbs-down to go along with my scintillating commentary.

Let’s get down to to it . . .

17. Christmas Story Monopoly

Let’s see. How to put this gently, yet succinctly . . . HOW THE HELL DID THIS MAKE THE LIST? I know of no man who would want this. Nary a one. It’s a Monopoly game based on a movie that was released in 1983, and it is in no way cool. Thumbs-down.

16. Squirrel Wingsuit

squirrel-wingsuit

Hell yeah! Now we’re talkin’! I’ll jump off my garage and fly to the Jerry’s West parking lot in that sumbitch. Thumbs-up!

15. Cold Blood Paintball Mask

Yessir! I don’t play paintball, but this baby would be bad-ass to wear with my Squirrel Wingsuit as I glide around Chilly Town. Thumbs-up!

14. All-Terrain Skateboard

What the hell? How does that thing even work? How could you skateboard over rocks and whatnot? Down a hill I suppose? I don’t get it. Thumbs-down.

13. Bowling Heads

Wait. Are those zombie heads? Listen, I haven’t bowled in years but I used to love it and these bowling balls have given me the incentive to begin anew. I don’t want a Bowling Head. I need a Bowling Head. Thumbs-up!

12. The Wicked Laser

CNN called this thing “a real life light saber” and they price from $299.00 well into the thousands.  Apparently they’re so bright you can see them from space. Still, what’s the point? If you can’t kill somebody with it I’m not interested. Thumbs-down.

11. Sulu Cologne

So a cologne based on a Star Trek character played by George Takei makes the list? What does it smell like, space balls? Are these people drunk? Thumbs-down.

10. Tracks Headphones

headphones

Meh. Thanks but no thanks. These are supposed to be state-of-the-art, but until I try them out I’ll stick with my Bose headphones. Thumbs-down.

9. Offroad Chair

765gt

Huh? Offroad Chair? Why? Wait. Was this invented for people who need wheelchairs? I’m baffled. Do I want one? No. Would it be an awesome gift for a guy that needs one? Sure. It’s just a weird gift to include on this list. Still, thumbs-up.

8. Sumo Lounge

These are supposedly all the rage right now, and they do look pretty cool. Still, to me it looks like an oversized, glorified bean bag chair, sorta like the one I had in college. On a related note, that beanbag chair I owned saw things that would make a NYC call girl blush. I miss college.

Sorry, I was reminiscing and almost forgot – thumbs-up.

7. Xbox One and PS4

Confession: I’ve haven’t played a video game since I gave my Atari away back in 1980-whatever. Not even kidding. I tried to get back into it when my son was young but I have zero interest in XBOX ONE, PS4, or R2D2. I just don’t. Thumbs-down.

6. Ron Burgundy Scotch

Hey-O! Yep, they’re selling scotch based on Will Ferrell’s Ron Burgundy character in Anchorman and are expecting people to buy it. I have one thing to say about this – they are right. Thumbs-up.

5. Virtuix Omni

This is one of those virtual reality video games where you literally run around being a nerd and shooting aliens and whatnot. Seems like a lot of work. Thumbs-down.

4. Zippos

So what if nobody smokes anymore? There’s nothing cooler than whipping out a Zippo, flipping it open and giving somebody some fire. Timeless and cool personified. Thumbs-up.

3. Batmobile Golf Cart

Hells to the yah! Who among us can’t visualize yours truly rolling down to the Dairy Hut in this bad boy?  C’mon former students! Start collecting money for Mr. Shoe’s Christmas present today! Thumbs-up!

2. Sodastream

Apparently this machine will convert water to soda water in the flavor of your choice. One question – WHY? Thumbs-down.

1. Slayer Glasses and Goggles

glasses

Wait. So sunglasses and goggles are Number 1 on the list? What am I missing here? Aren’t those glasses identical to the plastic Wayfarer’s from the 80’s that every student I ever taught owned? I don’t get it. On the other hand, those goggles might come in handy when I fly around in my Squirrel Wingsuit. Still, a terrible top pick. Thumbs-down.

So there ya have it, kids. Of the seventeen, I gave only eight a thumbs-up and nine a thumbs-down. Then again, I have highly sophisticated tastes.*

*Full disclosure: I  have an army jacket I’ve worn since 1973.

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Comments
  1. Colin Kelley says:

    Where the crap did they come up with the number 17? Why not top 25, top 50, top 100? Nobody does a top 17! Nobody! This is bogus man!

Gimme a holler.

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