Wearing Sunglasses Indoors: Perception vs. Reality

Posted: November 15, 2014 in Assclowns, Humor, Opinion, Things I Hate
Tags: , ,

My dislike for wearing sunglasses indoors is well documented on this site, but that picture of Bieber at the Heat game last night put me over the edge.

And I’m not a nice person when I’m put over the edge.

Listen, I know it’s not just tools like Biebs that do it. I’ve seen Lenny Kravitz and Bob Dylan do it as well. Sorry, that doesn’t make it right.

With that in mind I thought I’d make a comparative list, with one side containing the perception some people have regarding this phenomenon, the other being the reality.

Well, at least my reality.

So let us proceed to examine the reasons people wear an accessory invented to block the sunlight from your eyes in places where the sun does not exist. Seriously, this fascinates the hell out of me. Below, please find my comprehensive Perception vs. Reality breakdown:

Perception: This makes me look cool.

Reality: You look like an idiot.

This concludes my comprehensive breakdown.

Seriously, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised. I mean, we have athletes and actors wearing big dorky glasses without lenses, and they think they look good.

I’ve been told these people are “dressed”  by their stylists, who I assume are just trying to come up with outrageous stuff for their bosses to wear. You know, just messin’ with us. I can imagine the conversation when a few of these stylists get together:

Stylist 1: “Did you see what I put LeBron in last night? A pair of orange and pink plaid pants, a pair of giant fake glasses and a banana peel vest. Hilarity!”

Stylist 2: “That’s nothing. I talked Dwyane Wade into wearing a Paisley Top Hat and a clown nose tomorrow! By the way, I win the bet with that ensemble!” 

Stylist 3: “Wrong again Pierre. Listen to what I convinced Russell Westbrook into wearing – a jacket made of live weasels accompanied by a leopard-skin mini-skirt and sloth-skin go-go boots. Look for it this weekend. Now, pay up boys!”

You gotta admit the visuals are interesting, amirite?

But back to the sunglasses thing. I suppose there are exceptions where wearing sunglasses indoors could actually be excused. Among them are:

  • Blindness. If you’re blind I’ll give you a pass. Reluctantly.
  • Black-Eye. If somebody’s popped you and you want to cover it up, OK. Still, I’d just lay low until it healed up rather than look like a douchebag.
  • Pink-Eye. I suppose covering a swollen, infected eyeball might require some covering. I’d still feel the need to lift the sunglasses up to show why I was wearing them, thus defeating the purpose anyway.
  • You’re high. Maybe if you’re a stoner and don’t want the folks or boss to know you’re baked out of your gourd it might make sense. Still, sunglasses at work or walking in at 1:00 AM is a dead giveaway.

Other than just trying to look cool (and failing hilariously) I think there are other, deeper reasons people wear sunglasses indoors. I actually think a lot of it relates to the decline of social skills in American culture, I really do. As a 30-year educator I’ve seen the rapid decline of students simply being able to look you in the eye when they talk to you. I’ve literally had to force kids to communicate a simple greeting when I pass them in the hallway. This naturally translates to adults, so now we have NBA players (who have been coddled for most of their life) walking into the arena with headphones on and sunglasses in place, basically shutting out the world and any communication he might have to exchange with it, in particular the fans who are directly responsible for their multi-million dollar salary.

Whew. That felt good.

So anyway, the bottom line is that wearing sunglasses indoors will make you look like an idiot 99.99999% of the time.

I shall conclude with visual proof. Enjoy, point and ridicule accordingly.

Jersey Bros. No excuse.

 

1

Only thing missing is the ducklips.

during the NBA All-Star Game held at Cowboys Stadium on February 14, 2010 in Arlington, Texas.

Apparently it’s cool to look bored with life too?

One of the few people on earth that I have a strong urge to throat punch.

douche

My work is done here. Thank you and goodnight.

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