Archive for January 1, 2014

One of favorite performances of 2013. Love it!

While this blog didn’t receive the most views in 2013, it’s certainly one of my favorites for a few reasons. First, it got the most reaction from people I know. People brought it up to me for a few weeks after I wrote it, and that’s always nice. Secondly, it was shared by a lot of people, also nice. Thirdly, it was one of those special blogs that actually made me laugh as I wrote it. That doesn’t always happen. Hence, I thought a rerun might be in order.

Well, I finally got around to watching the Video Music Awards last night, and as a gift to my faithful followers I documented the entire 2-hours.

Seriously, I really did.

You see, I’m retired and can’t start subbing until Friday so I’m really, really bored. REALLY bored. So, rather than start mainlining heroin I’m doing insane things like this. Deal with it.

I recorded the time as I made notes to enhance the process. That’s precisely what separates me from your average blogger, kids. Here we go . . .

:10 – Ten seconds in and I’m confused. Lady Gaga is singing with her head stuck out of a box. She reminds me of Sally Field in The Flying Nun. Nobody? Never mind.

1:38  – OK, I know Gaga’s gonna rip that nun suit off, it’s just a matter of time.

1:55 – Nun suit off. Partially. She’s now wearing a 1920’s style bathing suit, complete with bathing cap.

2:42 – Random thought: Why do backup dancers have to look so mean and unhappy?

4:28 – Holy moly. Gaga just went off stage and returned wearing . . . uh . . . hold on . . .

4:33 – . . . a seashell bra and some sort of flowered thong. Somewhere, Madonna is nodding approvingly.

6:06 – One Direction has taken the stage! My 5th graders loved them!. Wait . . . that one dude’s hair looks like a marmoset exploded on his head.

6:43 – Random thought: If I had seats behind that giant spaceman I’d be pissed.

6:56 – Quick shot of Taylor Swift and Selena Gomez. I’m predicting 17 of these. I’ll try and keep track.

7:56 – Confession. I love that song “Carry On” by Fun. Contrary to many of the songs nominated for Best Pop Video, it actually has a melody.

9:12 – Selena Gomez just won something, and her acceptance speech had all the nuance and depth of a gerbil nibbling a carrot. On a related note, Taylor Swift looks like a gerbil nibbling a carrot.

9:48 – Just showed a shot of Katy Perry walking backstage and she snarled at the camera. What’s everybody so mad about?

18:31 – Miley Cyrus is about to take the stage. Can’t wait to see how the lovable little scamp from Hannah Montana has grown up.

18:32 – WHAT THE HELL?

Stay classy, Hannah Montana.

19:00 – Hey Miley, Gene Simmons just called. He wants his tongue back.

19:21 – Hey Miley, Michael Jackson just called. He wants his crotch-grab back.

19:33 – Hannah Montana just twerked all up in a teddy bear. He seemed to enjoy it.

20:07 – There’s a giant black woman throwing something to the audience. I can only hope she’s giving them their money back.

20:17 – Miley just kissed the giant black woman’s butt and slapped it. The dancers all have teddy bears on their backs. Nothing makes sense anymore.

Eew. Billy Ray must be so proud.

21:02 – Random thought: You’re a professional dancer. You make the cut to dance on the VMA’s on national TV. Then you find out you’ll be dancing with a giant teddy bear on your back. Still happy? I have no idea.

21:38 – Uh-oh. Here comes Alan Thicke, who used to be the dad on Growing Pains. He’ll straighten these young punks out. Wait . . .

21:45 – Hannah Montana just molested a giant foam finger. Plus she took off more clothes.

21:50 – What is it with the tongue, Miley? Jeez, keep it in your mouth.

22:00 – Hannah Montana just molested Alan Thicke with a giant foam finger. Wait. Apparently that’s Robin, Alan’s son. Anyway, molested.

I have no idea what constitutes entertainment anymore.

22:23 – Robin Thicke just got twerked by Hannah Montana. The world’s a confusing place.

23:00 – Somebody named 2 Chains has taken the stage. I got nuthin’ here.

25:00 – The Miley Cyrus/Robin Thicke number has concluded. Rihanna is not impressed.

Shoulder wag. That’s it.

25:01 – Hey Miley, Madonna called. She wants her act back.

25:12 – Lil’ Kim’s still alive?

25:46 – Random thought: I never thought I’d see the day when women would start wearing things to make their butt look bigger.

34:00  – Taylor/Selena screenshot #2. They’re very excited.

35:00 – Jared Leto just introduced Kanye West by calling him a “rock star.” Somewhere in heaven Jimi Hendrix looked down, injected more peanut butter oil into his eyelid, shook his head, and took a nap.

40:00 – Kanye just completed his entire song in shadow, which I approve wholeheartedly. He also did the whole song in auto-tune, another solid choice. That way we didn’t have to actually see or hear him. Kudos to Yeezus.

45:00 – Taylor Swift just won best female video for the song “Trouble.” Did you know Sparky hates Taylor Swift? By the way, Taylor looks like her face has been squashed together, like some cosmic pixie. I have no idea what that means.

45:01 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #3 and #4. Still very happy.

51:27 – Justin Timberlake has taken the stage. I happen to like Justin Timberlake and find him to be self-effacing, self-aware and extremely talented. I also think his wife is smokin’ hot.

Big fan.

52:40 – Timberlake is killin’ it.

53:00 – I wish I could pull off wearing a hat like JT. Too bad I wear a size 7 5/8 and when I try I look like a grizzly bear wearing a beanie. Oh, and I’m 57, so there’s that.

54:30 – Gaga, Miley, Kanye, take note. This is talent. Almost as good as me at the Peppermint Pussycat back in my heyday. And yes, I had a heyday.

59:33 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #5. Timberlake has them all sorts of worked-up.

1:00:31 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #6. Selena stoic, Taylor appears to be doing The Watusi.

1:00:47 – Taylor/Selena screenshot #7. Selena smiling, Taylor has switched to The Twist and she’s watching herself dance on the big screen.


102:22 – Apparently Gaga has chosen to watch the rest of the show from the audience. In her seashell bra and thong. Gotta respect that.

103:28 – Wait. N’Sync is done? That was fast. Guess Chris Kirkpatrick had to get back to the Sack ‘n Save.

105:08 – Taylor/Selena . . . ah, screw this. It’s getting repetitive.

“I’m serious! Justin calls his weenie ‘The King of Pop’. Ewww!”

1:07:41 – Timberlake was on for over 16-minutes. Gaga seems to like him, as did Rihanna. However, the person who appeared to be most smitten was Jimmy Fallon. Seriously.

1:16:24 –  Some guy named McLemore is rapping with some chubby girl I don’t recognize. His lyrics seem almost, dare I say, enlightened? I sort of like this cat.

1:26:00 – Drake is on stage. Not impressed.

1:34:19 – Bruno Mars just won something and sang a song. Bruno Mars is a tiny little man.

Not really Bruno Mars. This guy’s bigger.

1:51:47 – That kid from Third Rock from the Sun is announcing the big “Video of the Year” award. Why is he doing it? Apparently he’s a big-time actor or something now. His name is Joseph Gordon-Levitt? I could care less, I’m getting a headache.

Dude’s all growed up.

1:52:58 – Timberlake won the big award. Big shocker there. The best part is he just crushed Taylor Swift’s soul.

1:55:00 – The BIG FINALE. Katy Perry, who I sorta like because her songs are catchy and she’s cute, is singing in front of the Brooklyn Bridge. In a boxing ring. Wearing boxing attire. And she’s jumping rope. In addition, I wore those very socks in 1974.

Hey, is that a Bengals sports bra? Cool.

2:00 – Thankfully, it’s all over.

Well, that’s 2-hours of my life that I can never, ever, get back. I would have preferred 2-hours of R.E.M., The Eels, The Avett Brothers, Carbon Leaf, Blue October, Teenage Fanclub, Paul Westerberg, and Breaking Benjamin. But what  the hell, that’s not gonna happen.

The cold hard truth is that my musical tastes are in no way in line with that of today’s music consumer.

Thank you God.

But seriously, what the hell happened to Hannah Montana?

Go away, little ghoul.

Posted: January 1, 2014 in Dreams, Fears, Things I Hate
Tags: ,

So a couple weeks ago I wrote about my dreams. Here’s the link if you missed it. I wrote about how vivid they are and how I dream about complete strangers and places. Well, the other night I had a doozy, the horrific dream to end all dreams. The Granddaddy of Nightmares if you will. I literally woke up in the proverbial cold sweat at 4:30 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep. I swear to God it took me 5-minutes to work up the courage to walk into the kitchen to get a drink.

The dream was that real.

So do you want to hear about the dream? Show of hands please. OK, you asked for it. Be forewarned though, just hearing my nightmare may give you nightmares.

Here you go . . .

In the dream I was walking through an old school. It was deserted and there were papers and trash here and there on the floor. It was daylight outside but the hallways were pretty dark. It was very cold.

Suddenly, I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

There, floating a foot or so off the floor, was a red-haired girl. She wasn’t standing up, and it was like she was crawling on air. She was young, perhaps 11 or 12, was wearing a long white nightgown, and her face was contorted in agony. She appeared to be a combination of hurt and angry. In addition, her head was sort of snapping sideways from time to time.

And she was crawling towards me.

I froze, and when she got to within a few feet of me she rose up to face me. She was face-to-face with me now, just floating upright a foot in front of me. Her face appeared to be in complete pain and her mouth was open but no sound was coming out. Her jaw looked like it would become unhinged before closing again. I remember her skin looked real pale and had these red splotches on the cheeks.

Suddenly, she lunged right at me. I had no idea what her intentions were but I was pretty sure she didn’t want a kiss, unless it was a Kiss of Death. I grabbed her by the head, and it’s hard to explain but her head went back-and-forth between being a solid mass and a loose, crumbling, sawdust type of mist, sort of smoky or misty. All the while her mouth was undulating and opening and closing silently.

It was then that I woke up and sat bolt upright, actually shaking and looking around wildly. Sparky was whimpering and licking my face, trying to calm me down.

As I said, it took me a few minutes to get my head together and summon the courage to go to the kitchen. Spark usually stays on the bed when I do this at night but not this time. He marched just ahead of me, growling as if he knew that I was worried about encountering something.

And he was right. I was expecting a splotchy-faced red-haired little ghoul with a disconnected jaw to leap from around a corner and drag me to hell.

Note: Not all of my dreams are bad ones. Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant block of swiss cheese. I’m a very strange man.

Seriously, who does this kind of stuff?