New American Baby Names. You can’t make this stuff up. Then again, I guess you can.

Posted: March 3, 2013 in Humor, Life, Opinion, Things I Hate, WTF?
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I was skimming through a magazine at the dentist’s office the other day and ran across an article about new American baby names. I think it’s a pretty well-known fact that Americans have pretty much lost their collective minds when it comes to naming children. It used to be pretty easy, just name the kid John or Robert or Mary or Sally and move on.

Oh, we had the nutjobs in the ’70s like Frank Zappa who named his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit, but overall it was pretty simple. My best friends as a kid? Dave, Tom, Ted and Jeff. Today? No, it has to be something completely unique, something nobody else has ever used. For the love of God, Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. I assume Banana is next, followed by Grape and Muskmelon?


Here are some recent samples I found online, followed by my biting commentary. Let’s start with the boys:

Blayde. They must think the added “y” really puts it over the top. I’m assuming they’ll name the next boy Nyfe? Or maybe Daggir? Mashetty? Sabre? Shank? Good Lord. Wait. What about Shiv? I actually sort of like Shiv.

Chesney. Three words – country music fans. What’s next, Urban? Wait, that one’s taken. On the other hand, Cash is pretty cool for a first name. Still, if somebody names their kid McGraw I’ll become unglued.

Sketch. Really? Sketch? SKETCH? What, Doodle wasn’t available?

Draven. Really? Aren’t you pretty much guaranteeing your kid take up Black Magic and become a Warlock if you name him Draven?

Diesel. As you may or may not have read, I had a kindergartner a couple years ago named Diesel who was the epitome of cool. Until he shat his pants, of course. After that, not so much. If your name is Diesel you’d better be able to back it up.

Izander. Izander? What? Sounds like someone from the Land of Ize.

Jaydien. Here’s what bothers me about Jaydien. The extra “i”. Totally unnecessary. Kid’s going to have to spell the name out every time he checks into a hotel or gives it to someone over the phone.

Zaiden. Of course we have Zaiden. Next will come Zayden. Or Zaydien, as in Jaydien.

Sigh. Enough of the dumb boy names. The girl names can’t be so pretentious, can they? Can they? Oh God . . .

Brook’Lynn. Apparently the apostrophe is a new trend. What’s next, Me’Gan? Kel’Le?

Luxx. This is the epitome of the horrible “new” baby names. Luxx. Sounds like a nemisis of Superman or maybe a brand of sweeper.

Copelia. Does that sound sexual to anyone but me?

Fallyn. Sounds like an angel that has fallen from grace or something. Just depressing.

Tybee. This sounds like a late night infomercial brand name. Get the new Tybee Fruit Juicer Now! One-time offer only!

Joplyn. Being a classic rock fan, I actually like this. In fact, I think a family of Joplyn, Jimi, Morrison, and Croce would be pretty cool if you ignore the fact that they were all named after people who died before they were 30.

Jerrika. Presumedly has a father named Jerry and a mother named Erika? If my parents used that logic I’d be named Ralphthryn or Kalph.

There were a lot more but I’m becoming too depressed to include them. But seriously, folks, don’t be afraid to go old school with the baby names. There is nothing wrong with naming a kid Max, Sam, Jack . . . even David. My general advice would be to keep it simple, but what the hell do I know? Do what makes you happy, but remember there are no guarantees I won’t make fun of you.

Seriously, SKETCH?

  1. Christina says:

    Depressing indeed…just screams of trying WAY too hard to be creative/special. Totally silly!

  2. hippie2mars says:

    But there are SOOOO many more!

  3. Wasn’t Ralphryn a character in the movie Willow ? …. A Muppet or something ? But seriously…..I’m with you on this one. Being a school teacher you hear them all. And, some of these spellings go against all the rules of English….more like phonetics. Here’s a few for you…. How about siblings named Tequila & Kilo, no kidding. Or Akira, Zayonni, Jaki, Jaidlynne, Xuxa?

    • Shoe says:

      LOL. Classics all! When I was in Montserrat I met a girl named Ja’Wayne. Yep, named after Jay-Z and Lil’ Wayne. Guess it could’ve been worse, like Snoopdiddy.

  4. I know! I mean Kip is definitely old school! Sorry Kip< I love your name and have a relative that shares it with you. Just giving your dad a hard time:)

  5. […] New American Baby Names. You can’t make this stuff up. Then again, I guess you can.:  Again, I’m making fun of people. In this case they truly deserve it. […]

  6. […] SHOE RETREADS: New American Baby Names. You can’t make this stuff up. Then again, I guess you&… […]

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