Archive for October, 2012

I’m giddy. And say hello to Myrl.

The Philly Sound. Gotta love it.

It’s a tribute to 80s video games. Wait for the horse at the 6:00 mark.

Jeff Lynne should be in the Rock Hall of Fame. Period.

Gotta feel bad for the impala though, ya know?

Yes, I had hair. Let it go.

Yes, I had hair. Let it go.

As a lot of you know I have a son, Kip Min-Soo, who was born in Korea. My first wife and I adopted him back in 1988. He was born in early June that year and arrived with us 6-months later. Adopting Kip was the single best thing I’ve ever done in my life, with second place being, well, there is no second place. He’s everything to me.

That said, when he was little something really funny happened that I thought I’d share. I hope he doesn’t mind.

We were always very open about the whole adoption thing, and why not? From Day 1 we talked to him about the day he arrived on the airplane and what a special day it was for us and our extended families.

Before we proceed you need to know that as a little boy Kip was always around my basketball teams and got to know great guys like Craig Kerns, Roman Diekan, Shane Cawley, Todd Shoemaker and the rest very well. He really looked up to those guys.

Anyway, I used to lay in bed with him before he went to sleep and read him stories, or just make up something myself. Well, one night when he was 4 or 5 I thought I’d tell him a very special story. Here’s what I told him . . .

Once upon a time there was a little boy from a faraway land that was very lonely and wished he had a mom and dad. At the same time there was man and woman here in Ohio who weren’t able to have children of their own although they really wanted a son or daughter. This couple worked really hard to try and find a baby of their own, and after several years they received the wonderful news that a beautiful little boy had been born and they could have him. The couple was thrilled! That little baby boy from far away didn’t know it yet, but he was about to be united with two people who would shower him with love and affection forever.

As I told the story, Kip lay with his head on my shoulder, looking up at me with wide-eyes, nodding occasionally and smiling.

Soon the couple received word that the little boy was on his way to America! They were also told that they were to be there when he arrived. They were so excited! A couple days later they and several family members drove all the way to the Cleveland Airport to pick up their beautiful baby. The baby had flown on an airplane all the way from the country of Korea, all the way on the other side of the world, to Seattle and then Cleveland, a VERY long trip!

And guess what? It was more than worth it. When the little boy was carried off the airplane, everyone was crying with happiness and joy. He was s-o-o-o cute and his hair was sticking straight up on top. Plus, he never cried, he just smiled as if he knew he’d found a home. The man and woman couldn’t believe how lucky they were.

After everyone got to hold and hug him, they took the little boy home and put him in his own special room, a room filled with toys and other things that make baby boys happy.

It was perfect. Both the little boy and his new mom and dad had found exactly what they wanted.

At that point I looked down at Kip and he was still looking up at me, seemingly enraptured by the story which was obviously about him. Then this happened . . .

Me: “Kip, you know who that little boy was, don’t you?”

Kip, softly: “Yes.”

Me: “Who was it?”

Kip: “. . . Shane Cawley.”

What? Who? As I mentioned earlier, Shane was one of my players.

So much for my spectacular storytelling abilities, huh?

Note: If you know Shane Cawley, I’m certain you’ll REALLY appreciate this story.

Isn’t it about time? I mean really? Admit it, as soon as you read that headline you were intrigued. Seriously, once this idea popped into my melon I knew I had a winner. It’s a blog that’s sure to illicit opinion, debate, even outrage. I can hear my legions of followers now:

What? No Daffy Duck? What the hell is Shoe thinking? Nobody can take a hit like that guy!”

Or just maybe more likely:

Why the hell am I reading this?

Anyway, I really had only one rule when putting this masterpiece together, and that rule was this – no superheroes. It would have been way too easy to put Superman at quarterback, Flash at running back, stick the Incredible Hulk at middle linebacker and call it a day. But n-o-o-o-o, not I. I wasted half an evening thinking this baby through.

And so, without further ado, I give you my All-Time Cartoon Football Team. Feel free to offer up your opinions in the comments section. As always, I’ll ignore them completely.

The Offense

Quarterback: Bugs Bunny

Duh. How can you argue with Bugs Bunny running this team? He’s crafty, imaginative, sneaky, and always comes through in the clutch. Plus, after eating all those carrots his field vision has to be off the charts. Sure, he’s a bit on the thin side and doesn’t exactly have a bazooka for an arm, but neither does Drew Brees. Bonus: Once did a movie with Michael Jordan.

Tailback: Sonic the Hedgehog

Now we’re talkin’. This little swine can flat-out fly. He’ll zig when expected to zag, turn on a dime, and has a mean streak to boot. I mean, look at that photo. That’s a game face, my friends. Negatives: Well, he’s a hedgehog.

Fullback: Tazmanian Devil

Are you kidding me? Is there anyone else to even consider? How in the world can anyone expect to bring this guy down? He’s a whirling dervish of unstoppable madness. Need a yard? Taz will get you an acre. Downside: He scored a -7 on the Wonderlic Test.

Wide Receiver: Speedy Gonzalez

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. Too small. Well, forget it, because this mouse can flat-out go. Sure, he has small hands, but he’s impossible to overthrow and has a can-do attitude. Reportedly has never been caught from behind. Downside: Insists on wearing a giant yellow sombrero the size of Oprah Winfrey’s skull, which tends to slow him down.

Wide Receiver: Inspector Gadget

Eight words my friends – telescopic arms that come out of his hat. Thank you and goodnight.

Tight End: Bullwinkle

Like Taz, not the brightest moose on the block but when he crosses the middle nobody, and I mean nobody wants to take him on. Who wants a mouthful of those antlers? Negative: Goes nowhere without Rocky the Flying Squirrel and his nuts.

Offensive Tackle: Magilla Gorilla

Holy Smokes, ya think this guy can clear a hole for Taz or Speedy? You know it dawg. Two negatives here though. He smells like rotten bananas, and his second cousin ripped a lady’s face off a few of years ago.

Offensive Tackle: Fat Albert

Simply put, the originator of the Pancake Block. While eating pancakes. Downside: Lacks stamina and sounds oddly like Dr. Huxtable.

Center: Fred Flintstone

Fred may be the greatest cartoon character athlete that ever lived. Seriously, have you ever seen him bowl? There have been seminars given on that one-of-a-kind tippy-toe style release. Classic. And those big hands, made strong from working in the Slate Rock & Gravel Company, can grip the ball like a vise. Weakness? He’s sort of whipped at home if you know what I’m sayin’. Gets locked out of the house a lot.

Guard: Barney Rubble

The chemistry between he and Fred is a given, plus Barn has a low center of gravity you can’t coach. Negative: He’s 3-feet tall.

Guard: Porky Pig

Alright, I admit he’s a little soft, and I’ve heard he may lack some sizzle. Still, I’m betting when the going gets hot he’ll bring home the bacon. Let’s just hope he doesn’t pull a hammy. I hate myself right now.

Kicker: Quick Draw McGraw

For you youngin’s who aren’t familiar, Quick Draw McGraw is a horse. A horse that stands upright. A horse with a very strong leg. Yes, his style could be described as unorthodox (OK, he kicks backwards) but if he’s lined up correctly he’s money. Rumored to be close friends with noted football mind Huckleberry Hound. Downside? Let’s just say the trainer needs to keep a shovel handy.

Holder: Lucy Van Pelt.

Lucy, that jerking-the-ball-away-at-the-last-second trick may work on poor Charlie Brown, but it may be a mistake trying it with old Q-Draw. He can take down a barn door for God’s sake. Careful young lady. Careful.

Return Man: The Road Runner. ‘Nuff said.

DEFENSE

Linebacker: Popeye

Supply this sailor man with enough spinach and it’s curtains for anybody trying to cross over the middle. As Pop says, “I yam what I yam.” And what he is is one bad mofo. In addition, he can expect a big endorsement deal from the folks over at Bird’s Eye. Downside: His forearms are the size of pick-up sticks.

Linebacker: Optimus Prime

Holy smokes. This half-man half-machine will be a whole-man wrecking machine for the D on this squad. He’s a little slow, but that’s overshadowed by his sheer size and strength. Negatives? When it rains he’s been known to short out.

Linebacker: George of the Jungle

Sure, he’s a little out of control, and he’s not the sharpest stick in the rainforest. Still, his power and agility make him perfect for the 3-4 defense. The fact that he can’t count to 3, much less 4, is irrelevant.

Linebacker: Hong Kong Phooey

The Phooey theme songs says it all my friends: “Hong Kong Phooey, he’s the #1 Super Guy, Hong Kong Phooey, quicker than the human eye.” And let’s just say that when Phooey brings out his patented “Phooey Chop” the fat lady starts singin’.

Defensive Tackle: Jolly Green Giant

Well, here’s a no-brainer if there ever was one. Talk about a fierce pass rusher. Think this guy could get a hand up in the passing lane? What is he, like 20-feet tall? Plus he’s, uh, green. That alone will throw a guy’s timing off. Negative: He reeks of peas.

Defensive Tackle: Foghorn Leghorn

Lemme tell ya, this rooster is one hard drivin’ cock. Big on the party circuit, this D-Lineman knows only one direction – straight ahead. Cock-a-doodle-indeed. I swear I don’t even know what that means.

Defensive Tackle: Skeletor

How would you like to line up across from this dude? He has kind of a bad attitude, but you might too if you were a 7-foot hooded bluish humanoid with a yellowish bare-bone skull, had no eyes and sported a head that floated magically over your shoulders with no visible connecting tissue. Downside: Difficult to coach, hard to find people to line up across from him in practice. Upside: Once made Brett Favre shit his pants.

Defensive Back: Woody Woodpecker

Are you serious? Talk about pesky. This hammerhead can make life absolutely miserable for any diva receiver he’s asked to cover. Plus, the ladies love him. Something about that name. Negative: Suffered severe head trauma when metal goalposts were invented. Nobody told him the wooden ones had been replaced.

Defensive Back: Atom Ant

What can I tell you? He can lift 250 times his own weight, has super speed, and can fly. And oh, by the way, he hits like Lawrence Taylor on a coke binge. Downside: Is prone to leaving games abruptly to raid picnics.

Defensive Back: Mighty Mouse

Again, he’s undersized but packs a nasty wallop. His signature move is a vicious uppercut that brings an opponent to his knees. Negatives: He’s known to carry a variety of life-threatening diseases.

Defensive Back: Yosemite Sam

Man, I would’ve liked to have seen Aaron Hernandez pull his piece on this gun totin’ sumbitch. Sure, he’s a short-tempered outlaw, and Lord knows you can’t let him around Bugs Bunny, but this surly little DB will stick to an opposing wideout like stink on a train hoppin’ hobo.

Head Coach: Wile E. Coyote

Upside: This guy has designed more schemes than Belichick and Lombardi combined. Downside: None of them ever worked. Still, he’s relentless and persistent.

Managers: Eric Cartman, Bart Simpson and Stewie from Family Guy, simply because they should keep things interesting.

So there ya have it. Irrefutable proof that I have no life.

Discuss.

That kid should have absolutely caught the ball.

So we’re talking about the Aztecs and their religious practices in class today. The topic of who and how they worshipped came up, and I was comparing it to Christianity and other religions. At one point I mentioned that in any religion there’s an element of faith involved and mentioned Jesus rising from the dead. That’s when Cody’s arm went up:

Me, warily, because I know Cody: “Yes, Cody?”

Cody: “Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a problem with Christianity or anything, but if Jesus rose from the dead and walked out of that cave wouldn’t he, you know, be a zombie?”

Sometimes it’s best to just move on to the next question.

Which of course I couldn’t.

I considered it for a second, then we went on to have a 20-minute discussion on the Aztecs, Christianity, human sacrifice, Islam, zombies, Judaism, and the upcoming season opener of The Walking Dead.

Politically correct? Ummm, maybe not.

But you know, sometimes you gotta embrace those teaching moments.

Sparky loves to ride up front with me . . . until he realizes we’re headed for the vet.

“Must. Stay. Still.”

A father and son duo has spent the last year brutally humiliating a 10-year-old Ohio girl with cerebral palsy, her parents have claimed – and they have video to prove it. Every day after school at the bus stop, William Bailey and his nine-year-old son Joseph slowly hobble from the school bus to their vehicle, limping with bent legs, in front of Hope Holcomb’s classmates. ‘Stop, please, try to be nice,’ Hope has asked them, weeping. Her grandmother filmed the pair mocking Hope, showing indisputable evidence of the mockery and cruelty she has been subjected to. ‘It makes me sick too, to think that a grown man would tease a 10-year-old disabled girl that has never done a thing to any of them for no reason, and now she doesn’t want to get on the bus to go to school,’ Mike Knight said to the station. Mr. Bailey ‘I love that little girl. I never even meant that or anything at all toward little Hope. I don’t make fun of anybody with a disability,’ he said to the Canton Rep. His wife Vickie Bailey defended his actions. ‘He did get out of the car, you’ve seen the video I am sure, my kid was walking like, but no offense to Hope so why they are taking it that way, I have no idea,’ Mrs Bailey said.

If I was this poor girl’s father I’m pretty sure I would end up incarcerated for what I’d do to William Bailey. Then I’d hire one of my 5th graders to take care of his son Joseph. Complete assclowns.

Careful, we don’t want him to get hurt. Trampolines are deadly! LOL.

I used this move on Eddie Francis on the Twin Elementary playground back in 3rd grade.

Boom. Fight over.

But for just a minute. We were having a Social Studies Game Show to review for our test over The Voyage of Columbus, and in between rounds we had a little dance intermission. You know, just to blow off some steam. Yeah, it got a little crazy, but the good news is I guarantee they’ll kill the test. Oh, and apologies to our adjoining classrooms. Again.

Seriously, don’t watch.