The World’s Ugliest Athletes

Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. You’ve seen these types of lists before. That may be true, but you’ve never seen one compiled by me, now have you? Therin lies the difference. Read on loyal followers . . .

Ya ever just get a look at a pro athlete and just go “Sweet Mother of God, that dude is hideous?” Me too. Hence, this list.  Seriously, some of these cats are so ugly they could sink their face in some dough and make monster cookies. So without further ado, I give you Shoe: Untied’s Top 10 Ugliest Men in Sports:

#10. Chris Bosh

Yeah, there’s a reason they call this guy “The Bostrich”. Dude looks like a cross between an ostrich and a velociraptor.

Here he is again.

Good God, man. Shut your piehole.

#9. Manute Bol

I actually met Manute a couple times, and when he first walked into Cole Field House at The U of Maryland it sort of took my breath away. I mean, have you ever seen a 7′-7″ man before? Lemme tell ya, I remember thinking if this dude walked down the streets of Bainbridge at 2:00 in the morning some redneck would think he was an alien and shoot him. Not even kidding. On top of that, he has a head the size of a tennis ball. Just the definition of pinhead. Sorry Manute. Not only that, all he did was bitch and moan during Maryland’s open court sessions so that added to his ugliness. I tried to get him to hit the bars with us later but he wasn’t interested. I was disappointed, as the possibilities for fun were endless.

Note: It has been pointed out to me that Manute Bol is in fact dead. Passed away in 2010. Don’t know how I missed that. This is awkward.

#8. A.J. Hawk

AJ sort of looks like a cross between Chris Farley and Alice from The Brady Bunch. You can see it, right? Right? Just nod in the affirmative and move on.

Update: My buddy Joe Abraham has informed me that he recently sat by AJ on a plane. Apparently AJ has cut his hair and according to Joe he looks “pretty normal.” Now there’s a ringing endorsement if I ever heard one. Sorry Joe. Still butt-ugly.

#7. Delonte West

Other than the ugly tats, the weird mark on his face, the Amish beard, and the fact that he (allegedly) banged LeBron’s mother a few years ago there’s absolutely nothing offensive about Delonte. Nothing at all. Oh, except his face.

#6. Sam Cassell

If E.T. and Gollum had a kid this is exactly what it would look like. In addition, I’m pretty sure if Sam laid on one side too long one of his eyes would move around to the same side of his face like those fish you see at the bottom of the ocean. And I haven’t even mentioned those chompers. Yikes.

#5. Drew Gooden

Squid Beard? Squid Beard. Thank you and goodnight.

#4. Kyle Busch

That guy up there is Kyle Busch. The guy down below is Kyle Busch and his wife. Good thing women are attracted to the man within and not money and fame, huh?

#3. Kris Kaman

Kris looks like a Yeti on a bad hair day.

#2. Joakim Noah

Hey, if you can make David Stern look good in a photo you’re doing something. On a related note, here’s a photo of Joakim’s sister.

Her name is Yelena. I know, it makes no sense on any level. And oh, you’re welcome fellas.

Finally, we’ve made to the man who, in my opinion, is the ugliest man in sports.

#1. Shelden Williams

Shelden’s forehead should have it’s own zip code, amirite or amirite? God God. And that’s not a forehead, that’s a fivehead my friends. Quite possibly a sixhead. As icing on the cake he’s a Dukie, which makes him automatically ugly.

So there ya go, my Top 10 Ugliest Men in Sports. Again, just my opinion. Looks are subjective after all. Just ask Kyle Busch’s wife.