My friends, it’s true. I dismissed and ignored all warnings from the meteorologists and ventured into what some have called certain death.
I went outside today.
I risked my life for you. And yes, I took my trusty and loyal friend Sparky with me, as he insisted he join me on my trek into Winter Hell, The Land of the Frozen. I know, I know, schools have closed, buildings have shut down, all in the name of saving us from ourselves. How could I think of doing such a thing?
Because I had to see for myself, and yes, bring back a full report for you, my loyal following.
I felt as if I just might have a slight chance to survive because I had the foresight to buy a car fully equipped with a heater. I also decided, after much meditation, to wear something that is often referred to as a coat. I topped off my ensemble with headgear that is fur-lined and ear-flapped, and I dug into my closet and found some odd looking hand-shaped creations apparently invented years ago to warm your appendages in case of these exact situations.
I was ready.
Sparky was hesitant, but nevertheless braved the ice and wind to make the short journey to the car. And no, Sparky will not wear sweaters or booties. He has expressed to me that, although he hates the cold and rain, he refuses to be reduced to dressing as humans do. He is a proud dog, and such attire is well beneath him. No mohair sweaters for The Spark.
We soldiered on.
As we made our way through the frozen wasteland of Ross County, the first thing I noticed was the absence of dead bodies along the roadway. How could this be? All news reports indicated the end of the world, the winter apocalypse, death to all ignorant enough to venture out.
Then, as I entered the town of Chillicothe, I witnessed another incredible sight - human beings walking on the streets! And get this – they were apparently going about their usual business! I sat stunned at a stoplight, watching these fools carrying on as if nothing was wrong. How dare they move about freely, laughing in the face of peril?
For the love of God, one insane lady was even walking her dog!
To conclude my report, I shall say that is indeed safe to leave your homes, citizens of Ross County. Just be sure and try and find the required and aforementioned garments that are apparently created for such catastrophic occasions, and then wear them.
With wit, cunning, and courage, you too can survive.
Note: But seriously, have you ever seen people become so unglued over a little cold weather? Listen, I get not wanting your kid to stand in below freezing temperatures to wait for the bus, but don’t we go a little overboard? And by a little I mean a lot? Busses still have heaters, do they not? And when is the last time we found a frozen 5th grader laying in a ditch around here?
Then again, maybe I’m being a little cold. Hey-O! See what I did there?
I got a call from a coaching friend of mine today. He lives in Buffalo. He asked what time I practiced and I told him that all the schools were closed down here due to the weather. Then we had this discussion:
“Oh, you had a lot of snow?”
“No, it’s just really cold. Like 3 degrees.”
Silence. Then a low guttural chuckling, followed by what can only be described as a guffaw. That was followed by more laughter that led to a coughing fit, and I only half-hoped he’d choke to death. Then . . .
“Seriously, why did you close?”