I’ve always been a fan of the horror genre, hence my love of The Walking Dead and stuff like that. And since it’s Halloween I thought it would be appropriate to list my 20 All-Time Favorite Horror Movies. You know, just for you.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

The opening scene to this movie simply mortified me. I believe this movie was one of the first, if not the first, that used the word zombies. Here’s that opening scene . . .

Cloverfield (2008)

In my opinion, this was a very underrated movie. My favorite scene is when we finally get an up close look at the monster, right before he eats a dude. Love it.

The Fly (1958)

The last scene of this movie absolutely knocked me off my feet as a kid. For the whole movie we’ve seen the guy with the fly head, never thinking that their might be another being with a fly body. Then this happens . . .

Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

My family used to take trips to Florida, and I always thought of this scene when we’d pass a river or creek.

The Mothman Prophecies (2002)

LOVED this movie. And the scene where Richard Gere gets the phone call scared to bejesus out of me. Freaky.

Friday the 13th (1980)

Forget the hideous remakes, the original was stellar. Here’s my favorite scene:

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

There’s something about this scene when Donald Sutherland screams that is very unsettling to me.

The Exorcist (1973)

If this scene didn’t creep you out you have no soul.

When a Stranger Calls (1979)

Yep. He’s in the house.

Psycho (1960)

Of course. It has to be the famous shower scene.

The Shining (1980)

From the whole movie, one and only one scene stands out, and it’s not Nicholson’s “Here’s Johnny!”

It’s this chilling scene . . .

The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1979)

This may be the most little known scary as hell movie in history. Even the trailer is spooky.

Alien (1979)

Even though you know what’s coming, it’s still hard to watch . . .

Pet Sematary (1979)

This is very difficult to watch. Seriously. Parents with small children should probably move along to the next movie.

The Omen (1976)

You know why you don’t know many people named Damien today? Because of this movie.

Carrie (1976)

There is no way the new version will be as good as the original. No. Way.

Halloween (1978)

Maybe the best horror film of all-time.

It (1990)

Evil clown. ‘Nuff said. I swear I can barely watch this scene . . .

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Just a freakily good beginning.

Salem’s Lot (1979)

I literally had nightmares about this scene. Not even kidding.

Sweet dreams everyone!

Just got a toothbrush.

Since it’s Halloween, I was thinking of when I was a kid and some of the dumb things I used to do. You know, like getting a really large group of kids together (all with two masks) and lining up at a house, getting your candy, going to the end of the line, switching masks, and getting candy again. I know, I was a bad child. Or creative. You be the judge. Oh, and one time I may or may not have snipped a hole in the bag of a kid in front of me and pilfered his treats as I followed him.

I’m going to hell, aren’t I?

Anyway, as I was thinking of Halloween I started thinking of some of the best and worst treats given out by folks. For instance, some people used to give out actual candy bars, not the little “fun size” bars. I’ve never understood the whole “fun size” thing by the way. Wouldn’t “fun size” be a candy bar twice as big as the normal bar? Not a teeny tiny size? What a scam.

Anywho, I came up with a list of what some treats you wouldn’t want to find in your Halloween Bag ‘o’ Treats. Let us begin . . .

Popcorn Balls.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that I know somebody had to form those things with their hands or what, but I don’t trust the cleanliness of strangers enough to eat a popcorn ball made by them. Ain’t happenin’. In addition, they’d be way too easy to inject with the Ebola Virus or something.

Crackers.

Yeah, I got crackers when I was a kid, and so did my son a couple of times. Listen, I know times are bad economically and all, but crackers? Really? Keep your Ritz to yourself, people.

Spermies.

Yeah, I got nuthin’ here.

Seedless Raisins.

Who the hell wants Seedless Raisins ever? They look like little wrinkled turds. On a related note, I guess Seeded Raisins would be worse.

Strawberried and Peanut Butter M & Ms.

These things are worse than Barbeque Cheez-Its. You should never mess with perfection. M & Ms should be chocolate, damn it!

Nut Milk.

See “Spermies”.

Mary Jane.

Yeah, I found these online. For those of you that don’t know, Mary Jane was another word for marijauna back in the day. Or so I’ve been told. Anyway, bad idea to pass out Mary Jane to the kiddies.

Apples.

Or any fruit for that matter. Halloween Treats should be limited to CANDY only.

Pencils.

Listen folks, I know you’re trying to be health conscious and all, staying away from chocolate and stuff. But passing out pencils? Consider yourself lucky if you don’t get stabbed in the eye with that No. 2. Good Lord.

Toothbrush.

Again, a health thing I know. But seriously? Unless you’re a dentist (and even then it’s questionable) a toothbrush is a huge letdown for any God-fearing American kid.

To reiterate, no fruit, no utensils, no crackers, nothing made by hand, and nothing named after bodily fluids.

Keep it simple, stupid. Stick with chocolate.

Happy Halloween!

Coming soon on GoPro! Kevin suffers a grisly death at the hands of Megan and Amy!

A Shoe: Untied staple.

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Rock ‘n’ Roll has received a bad rap where drugs and alcohol are concerned, and for pretty good reasons really. Lord knows how music has been altered by musicians suffering from addictions to God-knows-what. Frankie Lymon, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Sid Vicious, the list is endless. That said, there have been many artists who have written about the negative results of drugs, and I’ve chosen my 5-favorite anti-drug songs below. Feel free to remind me of the songs I’ve missed in the comments section and I shall ignore them accordingly.

5. Medicine Jar – Paul McCartney & Wings

Sung by Jimmy McCulloch, it’s pretty ironic because he died of a heroin overdose 4-years later. Didn’t heed his own advice it seems.

What’s wrong with you? I wish I knew,
You say time will tell, I hope that’s true.
There’s more to life than blues and reds,
I say, I know how you feel, now your friends are dead.
Dead on your feet, you won’t get far
If you keep on sticking your hand in the medicine jar.

4. The Pusher – Steppenwolf

This is the first anti-drug song I ever recall hearing. Great vocals by the great John Kay.

You know I’ve smoked a lot of grass
O’ Lord, I’ve popped a lot of pills
But I never touched nothin’
That my spirit could kill
You know, I’ve seen a lot of people walkin’ ’round
With tombstones in their eyes
But the pusher don’t care
Ah, if you live or if you die.

3. Hey Stoopid – Alice Cooper

As always, Alice takes a more direct approach.

Hey bro, take it slow
You ain’t livin’ in a video
You’re flying low with a high velocity
No doubt, you’re stressin’ out
That ain’t what rock n’ roll’s about
Get off that one way trip down lonely street.

Now I know you’ve been kicked around
You ain’t alone in this ugly town
You stick a needle in your arm
You bite the dust, you buy the farm.

2. That Smell – Lynyrd Skynyrd

One of my favorite Skynyrd songs, without a doubt. There’s a great version of this song performed by 3 Doors Down that I highly recommend.

Angel of darkness is upon you
Stuck a needle in your arm
So take another toke, have a blow for your nose
One more drink fool, will drown you
Ooooh that smell
Can’t you smell that smell
Ooooh that smell
The smell of death surrounds you.

1. Needle and the Damage Done – Neil Young

In my opinion one of the greatest songs ever written. Hauntingly beautiful.

I caught you knockin’
At my cellar door
I love you, baby,
Can I have some more
Ooh, ooh, the damage done.

I hit the city and
I lost my band
I watched the needle
Take another man
Gone, gone, the damage done.

I sing the song
Because I love the man
I know that some
Of you don’t understand
Milk-blood
To keep from running out.

I’ve seen the needle
And the damage done
A little part of it in everyone
But every junkie’s
Like a setting sun . . .

So what have I missed? Let me know!

On the other hand, if you spell your name “Rikk” you deserve to be humiliated on a national stage.

In related news, I’ve sold my soul to the devil.

On a related note, how cool is Kid Rock?

Two unnamed male students were reportedly involved in a violent altercation at a F.O.L.D.(Flying with Origami, Learning to Dream) event on October 10.

Hexaflexagon. I looked it up.

Hexaflexagon. I looked it up.

Scissors were reportedly used as weapons in the altercation.

The event was a modular workshop held by the student group in Sidney Smith Hall, and was planned with the intent of teaching students how to fold hexaflexagons and firework origami designs.

The altercation allegedly escalated from verbal exchanges to physical violence. Witnesses tried to intervene and an ambulance was called. The two students went to the police station and could face charges.

Susan Cui, F.O.L.D. president, declined requests for comment. “The situation is still under investigation. At this moment we cannot release any information and will be unanimously declining an interview,” Cui said.

I’m not surprised by this. Not at all. After all, where do tensions run higher than at origami events? Origami events are cutthroat, man. Everybody’s carrying weapons and looking for trouble. And hey, when you’re learning how to fold hexaflexagons and firework origami designs everything is ratcheted up a few more notches. And scissors were used? No surprise there. That’s the traditional weapon of choice for Origamians.

On a related note, how the hell do you “unanimously decline an interview”?

“Mom! Dad’s gonna die!” Good call, kid.

You live your life in a free-form style,

You’d take an inch but you’d love a mile.

I have no clue who these ladies are supposed to be. None.

Greatest title ever, amirite? Attention grabber if there ever was one.

You’re welcome.

But hookers might be a strong term. Let’s call them sluts. Yes, I went there.

Here’s my question: When did Halloween become an excuse for grown women to dress like sluts?

Anyone?

Seems like just a few years ago people were dressing like ghouls and monsters and stuff. Now? Whole lotta women looking like hookers and sluts. Slutty nurse, slutty geisha, slutty cowgirl, slutty policewoman, slutty referees, some just dress like, well, slutty hookers. I even saw a few slutty zombies last year.

But hey, I’m no prude, and I’m not opposed to this. But still, I wonder.

Again, nuthin’.

Does Halloween now give women an excuse to release their inner sluttiness?

Thoughts? And please don’t yell at me, ladies, I’ve had a headache today. Again, I’m not necessarily against this, I’m just fascinated by the phenomenon and its origins.

And so I ask again: When and why did Halloween become an excuse for women to dress like sluts?

Note: I originally posted this last year and received many angry messages along these lines: “Dude, shut the hell up! You’re going to ruin it for everybody!” So to reiterate, I’m not opposed to this, just curious. Settle down men.

Behold, the Suitsy.

Posted: October 29, 2014 in Humor, Inspiration, Interesting Videos
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Yes. I’ll take 3.

I’m sort of torn on this one. At the end of the video it says she endured 10-hours of harassment. On the one hand, yes, some of the things said are inappropriate, mainly because men are pigs. I would never, ever just make a random remark to a woman walking by me like that. And the guy who walks beside her is sort of scary for sure. On the other hand, some of the comments seemed innocuous to me, almost polite. Ladies, what’s your opinion?

Have you ever watched two guys start to fight and you just know one guy knows what he’s doing and the other doesn’t? This is one of those times. Complete mismatch from the get-go.

Fascinating.

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Image  —  Posted: October 28, 2014 in Animals, Humor, Pets
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1974 vs. 2014. Who ya got?

Posted: October 27, 2014 in Life, Opinion, Parenting
Tags:

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6yng355It’s hard to believe, but I graduated over 40-years ago. 40-years! It’s weird because it seems like yesterday. Time really does fly kids. The old folks who say that aren’t kidding. Anyhoo, things have, shall we say, changed quite a bit over that time. With your permission (except not really because I’ll do it anyway) here are my impressions of the differences between 1974 and 2014.

WATER

Bottled water is a huge thing in 2014. Buy Pure Sparkling Spring water! It’s from the cold, bubbly spring of a remote stream on Prince Florkendork Island in beautiful upstate New Jersey! Good Lord. The water could be from a kitchen sink in Poughkeepsie, NY and nobody would know the difference. In 1974, there was no such thing. We drank from the faucet, or sometimes the garden hose. If somebody would have asked me to buy water in 1974 I would have first laughed, then slapped them right in the temple.

SCHOOL CLOTHES

Hey kids, believe it or not in 1974 there was a difference between school clothes and regular clothes. Dead serious. There was no way you’d be caught dead wearing your school clothes while out playing in the yard or something. If you did and your mom found out you’d be whipped with a tree branch or something. More on that later. In 2014, there is no difference. Kids wear whatever they want, whenever they want. Doesn’t this sort of show a lack of respect for school? I believe it does.

LETTERMAN JACKETS

Here’s the deal. In 2014 anybody can buy a letterman’s jacket. You just go to a store and buy one. Any style, any combination of your school colors, doesn’t matter. In 1974, letterman jackets were earned. You never dreamed of going out and buying one. When you earned a varsity letter, the athletic department presented you with a letterman’s jacket, and you were damn proud to own it. I still remember Mr. Johnson handing me my jacket. I couldn’t wait to wear that baby, and I did all the time. To reiterate, in 2014, letterman’s jackets are bought by anyone. In 1974, they were earned and given to you by the school.

SENIOR PICTURES

In 1974, I went to get my senior picture taken at a local studio, and I was in and out in 10-minutes. One head shot. That was it. I think it cost maybe $9.99, and I looked damn good with my feathered hair and white tie.  In 2014, senior pictures are a whole big 0ijhyttordeal. Hours of photos taken at several locations,  multiple costume changes and props, all for a cost of anywhere between $500.00-$1,000.00. See, the photography folks have you right where they want you. Graduation is a once-in-a-lifetime event, and when they show you the proofs you simply have to have them all for your kid. You don’t have to buy them all, parents. Your child will somehow survive without a 40-page album of photos of him or her posed around hay bales, leaning on fences, standing under a covered bridge or holding a squirming hedgehog.

CLASS RINGS

In 2014, sometimes kids buy class rings in 7th grade. Doesn’t matter that you may not be alive in 6-years, let alone graduate, they want a damn class ring! And what if you move to another school? I’m perplexed. In 1974, nobody dared buy a class ring before the summer prior to their senior year. It just wasn’t done, partly because it was being a bit presumptuous. Note: Do kids even buy class rings at all anymore? I’m second-guessing myself now.

MUSIC

Let’s keep this simple. Here are the top selling artists of 2014:

1. Beyonce’

2. Eric Church

3. Lorde

And here are the top selling artists of 1974:

1. Paul McCartney & Wings

2. Elton John

3. Deep Purple

Do we even need to discuss this? We do not. ‘Nuff said.

PHONES

In 2014, our phones are our lives. Our phones have a GPS system, the internet, games, music, and we can even text or, God forbid, talk to people. In addition, our phones talk to us. In 1974, we only images56AQC2ZFhad landlines, and we only used them exclusively to talk to people. That’s it. If you were in your car you had to find something called a phone booth along the road and make a call after putting coins in it. But let’s be honest. How many of you older folk long for the day when you could get in your car, take a long drive, and have a 0% chance that anybody could contact you? I know I do.

MAPS

In 2014, we simply input our destination into our smart phone and wait for the disembodied voice to tell us where to go. In 1974, we had giant maps that were impossible to refold correctly and we had to actually follow the roads with our finger and, you know, read road signs and stuff. On a related note, I was once looking at a map while driving down I-75 towards Florida when it flew out the window, causing havoc and mayhem amongst the heavy traffic behind me. Good times.

PLAYGROUND SAFETY

In 1974 we had dangerous child killing contraptions called see-saws and slippery slides and monkey bars and merry-go-rounds on our playgrounds. Shoot, we used to do backflips off the top of the monkey bars onto the hard ground while the recess teacher rated us on a scale of 1-10. In addition, I’ve seen kids fly off of merry-go-rounds and into poles, trees, and random kindergartners. In 2014, all of this equipment is being phased out for being too dangerous. Future students will be required to wear helmets and those inflatable sumo wrestler get-ups before going out for recess. Sigh.

CARS

In 1974, cars had dashboards full of metal pointy things and nobody ever wore a seatbelt. Hell, I once rode from Ohio to Colorado in the back window of our 1971 Pontiac Catalina Brougham and dad used to hit the breaks just to see me fly into the back of the front seats. And you know what? I loved it. In 2014, dashboards are made of soft, cushy stuff and everyone has to be strapped in like you’re taking a rocket trip to Mars.

HITCHHIKING

In 2014, hardly anybody hitchhikes. Everybody worries that the hitchhiker might be a serial killer or the hitchhiker is afraid a serial killer might pick him up. In 1974, hitchhikers were everywhere. I imagesGX8CLVW3had a buddy who used to hitchhike back from college in Tennessee a couple times a month. On a related note, I picked up a soldier a couple months ago and got to hear him deliver this line: “Hell, I’m more scared of that dog of yours than anything I ever saw in Afghanistan.” Guess Sparky thought he was a hobo.

PARENTAL DISCIPLINE

You’ve heard me harp on this enough, so I’ll keep it simple. In 2014, paddling your kid too hard can literally get you arrested. It’s nearly disappeared as a teaching tool. In 1974 and before, not only did my parents whip me, any adult could beat my ass. I was smacked by my barber, the neighbor, and the guy who ran the gas station. But hey, I kept riding my bike over that wire/tube thingy that rang the bell in front of the station so I deserved it. In addition, I didn’t tell dad because he would have throttled me again. And look at me, I turned out alright. So to speak.

To be fair, not everything was better in 1974. You know, there were a lot more racists and sexists around and whatnot. Plus there was the Captain & Tennille, so there’s that (Google them, but you have been warned). I guess everybody thinks life was better when they were a kid, and in 2054 today’s kids will probably be saying things like, “Can you believe they couldn’t teleport back in 2014? Absolutely barbaric” or “Wow. People actually ate pigs back then? Eww.” I also bet they’ll be saying stuff like, “Hell yes I love The Beatles. Who doesn’t?”

Because thankfully, there are some things that will never change.

Thank God for front-wheel drive.

The freak accident happened in Aurora on Sunday morning as the unidentified driver reversed out of his driveway, police said. After he leapt from the full-sized Chevrolet work van, it rolled backwards, knocking him to the ground. The front driver’s side tire went over his head and chest, said Aurora Police Lt Jeff Turner. He told Sky News: “He dropped the cigarette down the front of his chest area and jumped out of the van, but it was still in reverse. He is in a critical condition at a local hospital, though his injuries are said to be no longer life threatening.” The vehicle came to a rest after hitting a neighbor’s shrub.


Some thoughts: Boy, nothing worse than running over your own head with a full-sized Chevrolet work van, amirite? That has to blow. And thank God he’s going to make it. Can you imagine if you were this guy’s kid and forever having to answer the question, “Hey, what happened to your dad?” There’s just no way to describe your dad having run over his own head with a van and make it sound like a noble death. But thank God we know what happened to the van. Hope the neighbor’s shrub is O.K.

Anyway, kids? Don’t smoke.

Side-by-side numbskulls! Enjoy.

Comedy Gold.

"JR, you're 1 for 12. Stop it."

“JR, you’re 1 for 12. Stop it.”

J.R. Smith has long been known as a gunner in the NBA. He’s also long been known as a first class asshat of epic proportions. What you’ll find below is an interview he recently did with ESPN New York. You know, why these things still surprise me is beyond me, but they do. Read on . . .

GREENBURGH, N.Y. — The adjustment to the triangle offense has been “a struggle” for J.R. Smith, and it isn’t just because the system is foreign to him. A candid Smith admitted that he must alter his shooter mentality and wrap his mind around the team-first concept being preached by Knicks coach Derek Fisher and president Phil Jackson.

“Yeah, absolutely,” Smith said when asked if he has had to make a conscious effort to play differently. “I mean, believe it or not, being the type of player I’ve been, it’s a struggle. I’m not going to lie. Trying to think about the rest of the team over myself or my scoring is something that I never really had to do before,” Smith said.

B-W-A-H-A-H-A-H-A!

I’m dyin’ over here. Yes kids, he actually uttered that last line. Sweet Mother of God. How can anybody ever have this doofus on their team? Glad to see San Antonio’s world championship team concept has resonated with J.R. Smith.

Good Lord.

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Martin does seem smaller than the last time I saw him.

Climate Progress: New research has found that climate change is causing mountain goats living in the Alps to shrink. The study, which was published Tuesday in the journal Frontiers in Zoology, found that adolescent Alpine chamois mountain goats are significantly smaller than their peers were 30 years ago, weighing about 25 percent less than goats in the 1980s did. The researchers called this change in body mass over 3 decades “striking.” They also said the shrinking “appears to be strongly linked” with increased temperatures in the growing season of the goats’ Alpine habitats.

Listen – melting glaciers, acidifying oceans and changing weather patterns are one thing, but when climate change starts messing with adolescent Alpine Chamois Mountain Goats I have a problem. What’s next, miniature elephants? Pint-sized giraffes? Pocket rhinos?

Say it ain’t so climate change. Say it ain’t so.

Food for thought.

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