Somebody once told me that you could lay a Gummy Bear on the ground in the forest, go back in a month, and it would still be there. They won’t rot or disintegrate, and even birds and squirrels know not to eat them. As for this Best Value Ice Cream sandwich, I’m sure this isn’t uncommon but it’s still rather interesting and somewhat informative, amirite?

images24UBPCDEI know, I know. I’ve been beating this drum for years now, but the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame is starting to piss me off. How can Madonna, Donovan, Blondie, ABBA, and Donna Summer all be in there and guys like Jeff Lynne and Todd Rundgren be left out? Who the hell is voting anyway? It’s a travesty.

For the uninitiated, let me tell you a little about Jeff Lynne:

  • He is best known as the leader of the highly successful group The Electric Light Orchestra. For ELO, Lynne created a unique pop-rock sound mixed with studio strings, layered vocals, and tight, catchy pop singles. The group sold over 50-million records. 50-million.
  • ELO’s combination of orchestral and progressive rock was groundbreaking to put it mildly. A rock band with cellos and violins? Wh-a-a-a-t?

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I’m torn on this one.


And I thought Sparky’s ears were big.

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Not so fast, assclowns.

Before you watch this please understand it’s not exactly politically correct. It may make some people angry. It may also be correct.

Have some poise, honey. That’s a 2-foot wave.

Hobos were way more stylish in the old days.

Hobos were way more stylish back in the day.

So I go into a convenience store in town today, and as I go to pay a guy is standing there frantically fishing through his pockets. He had a gallon of milk and some other stuff on the counter, and he was clearly short of what he owed. It was also obvious the guy wasn’t exactly well-to-do, partially because of the way he was dressed and partially because he smelled like a burnt turd rolled in spoiled cottage cheese.

Anyway, as I watched I noticed the guy was $3.78 short. As he began figuring out what to return to the shelf, I just told him I’d take care of it and handed him a $5.00 bill. I did this partially because I’m a good guy but mainly because I’m an impatient ass who wanted to get the hell out of the store.

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Note: My ability to write eye-catching headlines amazes even me.1280855_562771633788359_1883831227_n

I’d just like to give a little heads-up to all the professional athletes, sports talking heads, actors, politicians and other asshats who have said something stupid and been forced to publicly apologize.

Listen up, apologists. Here is an example of an insincere, meaningless apology. A non-apology apology if you will:

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Seriously. That’s the name this little monster goes by. He hails from Madagascar, and that camo is top-notch, amirite? Somewhere, the Duck Dynasty boys are envious.

Purty, ain't it?

Purty, ain’t it?


If you put a goatee on this guy wouldn’t he sort of look like me?

Just some random thoughts that have been running through my brain . . .

  • If I hear the word “framily” on TV one more time I’m going to punch somebody in the throat.
  • That commercial with the puppets on wires? I don’t get it. I mean, that dude is married to a life-sized puppet. He has a puppet kid and a puppet father-in-law. In addition, it’s terrifying to me. I hate puppets.
  • If I hear a supposedly educated person on television pronounce the word “nuclear” as “nucular” one more time I shall hunt them down and snap their brain stem.
  • People constantly use the word “literally” incorrectly. Lesson of the Day: If you say you were “literally scared to death” it means you are now dead. So shut it.

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From the legendary Last Waltz concert. “The Hawk” was the first guest to perform, and legend has it that Neil Young, after watching from the side of the stage, went backstage and told Bob Dylan, Van Morrison and the rest, “Did you hear that? Hope we can all live up to it.”

See, a lot of folks look at this and think it’s hysterical. They think the ump is being funny, putting on a cute show for the fans. I, however, look at it and see a grown man desperately trying to become the show. Perhaps he didn’t make the team as a child, I can’t be sure. In any event, Mr. Umpire, nobody is there to watch you, they are there to watch the teams play baseball. To me, there’s nothing worse than a sports official who tries to make himself part of the game like this guy. Believe me, the best officials are the ones that you rarely even notice. To me, that’s the definition of a good official. Anyway, just my humble opinion that happens to be correct.

I don’t know Jack!

Posted: July 27, 2014 in Life, Mystery

Note: The names and places in the following story has been changed for reasons that will soon Man-Standing-Silhouette-12553-largebecome clear. Plus I don’t want to be contacted by the authorities.

About 20-years ago I became friends with a guy I’ll call Jack. Jack owned a little shop around the corner from our cottage at the beach, and we sort of hit it off right away. We had a lot in common and shared the same sense of humor. Jack was a pretty big guy and wore his hair tied back in a ponytail. He was one of those guys who was always trying to make a buck, trying to hit the jackpot with some business venture. In the years I knew him he owned the aforementioned shop, a Thai restaurant, and a place where vacationers could rent stuff – those little wagons with the big tires to haul stuff to the beach in, things like that.

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Hoodoo GurusWe’ve all listened to bands over the years that none of our friends knew about, right? You know, the bands that you really liked and couldn’t figure out why they’d never made it big. Well, the #1 band in that category for me is undoubtedly The Hoodoo Gurus. I first bought a Gurus tape back in the mid-80′s at a little record store on High Street in Columbus. I believe it was the magificently named Magnolia Thunderpussy. Anywhoo, I was with my friend Goose and I basically just made a blind purchase. I don’t know if it was the band name or the album cover that caught my eye, but I grabbed “Mars Needs Guitars”, gave it a listen, and I was hooked. Thus began my 30-year love affair with The Gurus.

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THIS is the R.E.M. music I fell in love with in the early 80’s. From 1998’s “Storytellers.”

Fails of the Week!

Posted: July 26, 2014 in Fails, Humor

Idjuts. Again.

ghost1So it seems I’ve been running into more than my share of weirdos, crackpots and screwballs lately. I mean, I always seem to attract an odd assortment of people, but recently things have turned up a notch. I wrote the other day of the beer cart dude and how he became so irritated when I moved his beer cart 3-feet, and since then I’ve had a couple incidents with people that bordered on the bizarre.

I prefer driving at night, so a couple days ago I left the Outer Banks at 3:00am. I was driving on a 2-lane highway about 60-miles from the beach when I saw something along the side of the road up ahead. It was white and sort of stood out against the darkness. Keep in mind there was literally nobody else on the road with me. It looked like a person, so I slowed down a bit to see what was up.

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As some of you may know, there’s a fashion trend among many idiot posers of the world  pro athletes and actors in which the point is to apparently look as stupid as humanly possible. I’m talking about ugly clothes, junior high backpacks and glasses without lenses. That’s right, I said glasses without lenses. This fashion trend is called “Nerd Chic”, which is an oxymoron if I ever heard one. Speaking of morons, here’s Dwyane (my mother didn’t know how to spell Duane) Wade after a recent loss to the Celtics.

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I give it a 9.5.

Stephen A. Blowhard

Stephen A. Blowhard

Listen, I’ve never had much of a beef with Stephen A. Smith. I get it that he and Skip Clueless Bayless are paid to spout out ignorant, contrary statements so dummies like me will watch their show from time-to-time. Today, however, he said this regarding the Ray Rice controversy. If you haven’t heard, Ray Rice knocked his fiancée out cold and dragged her unconscious body out of an elevator, only to get a paltry 2-game suspension from the NFL.

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Below is a list of NFL suspensions under Roger Goodell. As you can see, getting free tattoos in college (Terrell Pryor) is a lot more serious than knocking your fiancee out in an elevator and dragging her unconscious body back to your hotel room (Ray Rice). The NFL: Where Inconsistent Discipline Happens! And hey, for your viewing pleasure I included the Ray Rice video down below. Just another romantic night out in Atlantic City!

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Just tearin’ up the dance floor.

So this happened . . .

Posted: July 23, 2014 in Humor, WTF?

logoSo I was in a 7-11 today and I walked over to the ATM, which was blocked by a large rolling cart holding beer. I looked around, saw nobody, and moved the cart about 3-feet to the right so I could get to the ATM.  Then a guy comes out of a back room and the following conversation ensues:

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Hate thieves. Love this.