Weeeeeeee!!!

. . . whoever this chick is.

Their parents must be so proud.

A rock classic.

At least for one day in 1992.

Back in the early 90’s I was coaching at Paint Valley and we had a really good team, four starters standing 6′-5″ who could all shoot from anywhere on the floor. I had seven guys who could dunk, which would be impressive for a high school team even today.

Anyway, I used to take my teams out to the University of Maryland for Gary Willliam’s Basketball Camp. It’s a long story but I used to be the Commissioner of the camps out there for Gary from 1989 to 2002.

The kids who attended Maryland Camp came from the Washington DC area, as well as Baltimore, Philly, New York City and schools all along the east coast. To say my Southern Ohio boys were out of their element was a bit of an understatement. Still, my guys hung out with the city boys, stayed in the dorms with them, and more than held their own on the basketball court. To me it was a win-win all-around. You know, expanding cultural horizons and all that. Not to mention it made my guys better playing against such good competition.

Which brings me to a story that Gary Williams, legendary former coach at Maryland, still tells to this day. Remember that it was 1992, and “trash talking” was in its early stages. Understand that trash talking hardly ever led to violence on the court, it was just a part of the game for players from the playgrounds of the inner-cities. My team, however, was not used to it. It hadn’t made its way to our neck of the woods yet.

With this in mind, my Ohio boys had been in a particularly intense contest with a team from DC, which we happened to have won. Afterwards, in a corridor outside the Cole Field House floor, words were exchanged between an opposing player and of of my guys. After the other player challenged my player with some unkind words, a punch was thrown.

Somebody got throttled, and he wasn’t from Ross County.

Gary Williams, the aforementioned Maryland coach, happened to be in the corridor and jumped between my player and the other guy who was, well, on the hallway floor. At that point, as Gary will tell you, the following conversation took place:

Coach Williams: “What are you doing, man? Why did you punch him?”

My guy: “Coach, where I come from we only talk like that for a minute. Then we start to hit.”

Gary thought that was the greatest thing he’d ever heard, and he could hardly wait to tell me about it.

And believe me, at the time no truer words had ever been spoken.

Trash talking has since become commonplace, but back in ’92? Not so much.

I sort of miss those days.

Originally published on October 24th, 2012.

Well, yeah. According to this weather report things aren’t looking so good.

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So remember the “homeless” dude Miley Cyrus brought to the stage after she won for best video at mileyhome-442x640the VMA’s the other night? Turns out he’s a model with a happy home back in Oregon. Yeah, he could have gone home at any time, so that’s technically not homeless. Guess we can call him homeless by choice? Good Lord. I knew there was something weird about this guy when he said during the speech he’d been an extra in movies. He was promoting himself. And it seems that rather than get a job pumping gas, bussing tables, or just going home he chose to live on the street.

Fraud.

Here’s the dizzle:

DM – The mother of the former homeless man who picked up Miley Cyrus’s VMA gong today told MailOnline that he wanted to ‘make it on his own’ in LA – and ‘didn’t want to give up and run on home to mommy’. Struggling model Jesse Helt, 22, who hails from Salem, Oregon, was Miley’s date for the evening and when she won the Video of the Year award for her song Wrecking Ball, he stepped on to the stage in her place to read a speech about the plight of homeless young people – admitting he too had been homeless. Speaking from her home in Salem, Mrs Helt, mother to Jesse’s three brothers and sister, added Jesse chose to ‘go it alone’ and chase his dreams. She said: ‘He wanted to be in Los Angeles and he had opportunities and he took them, but you know, he’s had his ups and downs like anybody else. ‘It was his choice, he was always welcome, he could always come back any time. If he needed help, I’d help him, we help one another,’ she added. Stunned by his appearance on the VMAs on Sunday night, Mrs Helt said: ‘This will change his life, absolutely. This will turn things around for him and I believe God is the one that is doing it, God is making a difference and Jesse believes that.

Here’s the poor homeless man’s modeling page:

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So I was in a local gas station yesterday, buying a Rockstar Punched Sugar Free Energy Drink and a bagimagesNQSQTQXG of Herr’s Extra Crunchy Kettle Cooked Potato Chips for lunch. On a related note, I have terrible eating habits. How I maintain my girlish figure and youthful appearance is a mystery to medical experts far and wide.

Anyhoo, the radio is on and tuned to the only real major local station. I know this will be a shock to all of you, this being southern Ohio and all, but a country song is playing. I believe it was popular country crooner Luke Bryan, who the ladies seem to swoon over these days.

In through the door walks a couple of ladies that were, oh, perhaps in their mid-30’s. One of them stops, cocks her head, listens, and makes this comment to her friend:

“Hey! That same song was playing in our car! Awe-sooooome!”

Sigh.

She then high-fived her friend and they proceeded to buy some Skittles, a bag of Lifesaver Wintergreen Mints, a couple Snapple’s and mysteriously, a small hammer.

In the meantime, Luke’s song had concluded and Brad Paisley was now singing about ticks. As the couple departed with their odd bag of purchases, they were happily singing along with Brad.

I could only imagine their wide-eyed wonder when they found that this song was playing in their car too.

I just know they thought it was awesome.

For all you young players out there, there once was a college player as good as Michael Jordan and LeBron James. He jumped as high, shot as well, and was just as strong. He played at Maryland and was drafted by the Boston Celtics, but Len Bias died of a drug overdose before he played an NBA game. Don’t believe he was that good? Watch this video:

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As many of you may remember, my review of last year’s VMA Awards was a blockbuster blog of dfdbsepic proportions. You can review that review, along with my observations on Miley Cyrus and her ilk, by clicking here. You won’t regret it.

So due to popular demand and public outcry, I felt I must review this year’s VMA Awards. Trust me, I’m doing this as a service to you, my loyal followers, and for no other reason. As always, I shall maintain my blogging integrity throughout, giving you my honest impressions of the goings-on and shenanigans I witness.

As I did last year, I’ll give a minute-by-minute breakdown of the proceedings. After a deep breath, let us begin . . .

8:00pm – To open the show, somebody has walked onto the stage in a sparkly bikini, although the bottoms look like grandma panties. There are dancers in heavy make-up, many apparently dressed as plants of some sort.

8:01pm – They just showed a shot of Kim Kardashian in the audience, sitting with her two younger sisters. Four of six possible breasts are on display.

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Asses sell. End of story.

8:02pm – The person in the sparkly bikini (Nicki Minaj?), just laid down on the stage and simulated intercourse with one of her female dancers. The crowd seems to like this. This is followed by the entire dance troupe, and Nicki, dry-humping the stage. Artsy!

8:03pm – Twerking. Lots of twerking. On a related note, my laptop must be way out of touch. It’s not recognizing twerking as an actual word.

8:04pm – 4-minutes in, and already I long for a simpler time.

8:05pm – Two chicks have taken the stage and I promise you I have zero idea who they are. The crowd is going wild. Nicki has joined them. The only thing I know for certain is that there is no melody to be heard.

8:06pm – Woop! I recognize somebody! The Dogfather, Snoop Dogg, is on the stage! SNOOP! I love Snoop. Gwen Stefani is with him. I feel redeemed. Somewhat. By the way, Snoop is making a white t-shirt, cardigan and jeans look cool.

8:07pm – Snoop just referred to Gwen Stefani as the Queen of Punk Rock. W-h-a-a-a-t? Somewhere, Patti Smith* is shaking her head in disgust. As am I.

*Google her, ya idjuts.

8:09pm – Katy Perry just won something. I must say she looks rather fetching. I like Katy Perry.

8:09pm – People keep yelling “Jeah!” Or Jey-uh!” I can’t be sure.

8:15pm – Taylor Swift has been introduced. Thank God. At least I can watch an innocent country girl sing a tune now.

Taylor. What happened?

Taylor. What happened?

8:15pm – WHAT THE HELL? Oh, for the love of God. I take it Taylor has ditched the country scene, as it were?

8:18pm – Miley Cyrus audience shot. She appears to be on heroin. Or appalled by Taylor like the rest of us.

8:20pm – To further prove that I’m completely out of touch with modern music, somebody named Ed Sheeran just won an award. He looks like what Opie would have looked like had he grown up, left Mayberry, become addicted to crystal meth, and turned into a male prostitute. That is all.

8:26pm – Hey-O! Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels have taken the stage! Two guys in my age group! They look sort of lost, possibly because nobody in the crowd knows who they are.

8:29pm – A tiny little person named Ariana Grande won a big award, and this is literally the first time I’ve heard her name uttered by a human being. Jim Carrey handed her the award, and I’d bet my last dollar he’s never heard of her either.

8:31pm – Sam Smith is singing. Yeah, me either. Let’s move along.

8:45pm – Some comedian named Jay Pharoah has bombed repeatedly throughout the show. Just awful.

8:47pm – Usher has been introduced, and apparently he’s reached icon status behind my back. I had no idea. He did a nice robot on stage, however.

8:59pm – Lorde just won something. I’m not familiar, but she’s very pasty looking and seemed very fidgety. I saw Keith Richards acting the same way in 1973, which was later explained in his autobiography and by the Albuquerque Police Department in their arrest report.

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Not awful.

9:05pm – 5 Seconds of Summer has taken the stage, and I must admit they’re not horrible. They’re four kids from Australia clearly influenced by Green Day and other 90’s punk-pop bands. Tolerable.

9:14pm – Fifth Harmony just won something. They seem thrilled. I swear I never heard of them until 30-seconds ago, although they apparently have fans called “Harmonizers.” Seriously. In addition, I have lost all touch with modern music, and I am in no way saddened by this revelation. On a positive note, the cameras cut to 5 Seconds of Summer in the audience and they seemed disgusted. Perhaps there’s hope after all.

9:24pm – Iggy Izalea has arrived. On the all-time list of Iggys, she ranks a distant second behind Iggy Pop. On a related note, I swear she’s had butt implants. I ask you seriously, who likes booties that fat? When I was young ladies tried to avoid that sort of chunkiness. Just an observation. Perhaps my time has passed.

9:32pm – Maroon 5 was just introduced and praised for their “catchy hooks” and “soaring vocals.” Really? And by the way, I guarantee you that not one person reading this can name another Maroon 5 member besides Adam Levine. Go ahead. I dare ya.

9:37pm – Jimmy Fallon has arrived and is yammering on about something. I like Jimmy, but at almost 40-years old he’s hopelessly out of his element here. As am I.

9:38pm – Audience shot of that Grande chick. She has no idea who Jimmy Fallon is.

9:40pm – The Video of the Year (videos still exist?) goes to Miley Cyrus for “Wrecking Ball” and she has brought a homeless dude to the stage to accept. This is in no way a gratuitous and self-serving act on Miley’s part. Then again, it probably beats dry-humping Robin Thicke, which is what she did last year. Keep being you, Hanna Montana.

9:46pm – Beyoncé (or “Bey” as the kids call her) is on stage! OMIGOD! And there’s flames and fog and all sorts of things! Is it just me or do her songs have no melody? I swear they don’t. It’s all twerking and humping and whatnot. Just imagine how good Bob Dylan would have been had he twerked and grinded and stuff. He could’ve been way better. Anyway, have I mentioned I’m not a Bey fan? And ladies and gentlemen, that is the finale. Sigh.

10:00pm – And it’s over. Jay-Z has taken the stage to join Beyoncé, and he has pronounced her to be “The Greatest Living Entertainer.” Sorry Paul McCartney, Bruce Springsteen, Eminem, Justin Timberlake, Elton John, and the rest of you living has-beens!

Good God. I need a nap.

Been there.

Slip, then fly!

So I’m sort of addicted to the TMZ show on TV. Yeah, I know, I’m not exactly proud of myself but IimagesLX2HDZV6 can’t help it so deal with it. Anyway, their camera people are always chasing celebrities around, and the celebs reactions always amaze me. Although some will just stop and say hello, most either try to hide, run, or some combination of both.

My question is this – why?

What are they running from? Why not say a few words or simply smile and keep walking? Why do they throw coats over their heads and try to shield themselves from the cameras? Are they having a bad hair day? Makes zero sense to me.

I recently saw Kanye West running through an airport, jumping over turnstiles and otherwise behaving as if he was being chased by a serial killer, all in order to escape the paparazzi. Wouldn’t it have been easier to simply smile, give a wave and walk to your car? Number one, you look way cooler, and number two, you don’t look like an idiot.

And why do these people dream of becoming famous, only to hate fame after they achieve it? I’m so confused. Anyhoo, here’s how dumb celebrities look when they try to hide. Feel free to make fun of them.

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C’mon, bullies. Get it together.

Seriously, Nabisco? What the hell are you thinking?  Why mess with perfection? This sort of thing just pisses me off to no end. Leave my Oreos alone, damn it!

As Jeff Goldblum said in one of those Jurassic Park movies, “Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

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Oh yeah.

Note: These are the three idiosyncrasies of which I’m painfully aware. That said, I’m sure a few of my exes could point out a thousand couple more. Here goes . . .

I’m sure everybody has a few weird eccentricities and quirks, and I’m certainly no exception. O.K., mine may be a little weirder than yours. But hey, I admit it! That has to count for something, right?

Right?

Anyway, here are my Big 3, but like I said I’m sure others will be brought to my attention after this is published:

  • I can’t sit with my back to a crowd of people, or anybody for that matter. I literally get a chill when someone walks behind me. Restaurants? I must have a seat against the wall if at all possible. At school my kids are under strict orders not to come behind my desk, less they risk gettting punched in the ear hole. And do NOT sneak up behind me and grab me or poke me in the ribs. If you do bad things will happen. I have witnesses who will attest to this. I also hate tight shirt collars, which has led one of my friends to theorize that in a past life I was strangled to death from behind. My friends are dark, twisted people.
  • I like odd numbers. No, I need odd numbers. Wait, that’s not right. I have to have odd numbers. Here are a few examples of me and my thing for odd numbers. When I pump gas I have to have the total end in odd numbers. Volume on the TV? Odd numbers. All of my passwords? Odd numbers. Cruise control mph setting in my car? Odd numbers. Car heater or air conditioner setting? Odd numbered temperature. Me? Odd.
  • Necklace latches that don’t stay at the back of the neck where they belong. I’m constantly turning mine back around after it has sneakily worked its way to the front, and I have to fight the urge to reach over and turn the latch to the back on random people I meet throughout the day. Sometimes the urge wins, and you’d be surprised how offended strangers get when I reach over and do them a favor by fixing theirs. You’d think I was invading their space or something. Plus, I’m sure that quite often the ladies think I’m checking out their cleavage when it’s actually the necklace latch I’m looking at. I’ve also been known to reach over and pick lint off a random shoulder. I don’t really think anything about it until the person flinches like I’m going to slap them or something. Why are people so touchy?

Of course, I haven’t mentioned straightening papers on other people’s desks, making sure my bills are all in the same direction in my wallet, and eating my dinner in alphabetical order. OK, I was kidding on that last one. Just wanted to see if you were paying attention. Oh, and I cannot stand it when people don’t put the caps back on ink pens. That’s just insanity.

So does everyone have these quirks? Is there a name for it? I’d ask my doctor buddy, but he’d no doubt describe it with two non-medical terms: Batshit crazy.

Now excuse me while I go arrange my medicine cabinet bottles according to height.

Originally published on October 3rd, 2012.

Love these guys. They’re in C-Bus at the A&R on 10/22.

Fails of the Week!

Posted: August 23, 2014 in Fails, Humor
Tags:

A tradition like no other.

Yes, you read that right. My comments follow the article.

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Michael Jackson.

JABIRU, AUSTRALIA (BNO NEWS) — A rare albino-headed crocodile named after Michael Jackson was shot dead Monday after the reptile snatched a man who was out fishing with his wife along a river in northern Australia, emergency services said on Tuesday, just weeks after another fatal attack.

The latest incident happened on late Monday afternoon when a 57-year-old man was fishing with his wife on the bank of the Adelaide River in Australia’s Northern Territory. He was suddenly snatched by the large crocodile when he entered the water to retrieve his line which had become snagged.

Northern Watch Commander Senior Sergeant Garry Smith said police later recovered the body of the victim, whose identity was not immediately disclosed. “Condolences to the family at this tragic time,” he said. “I thank all those from the attending emergency units for your efforts.”

The victim’s body was located near the crocodile responsible for the attack, after which the 4.5 meter (14-foot, 7-inch)-long reptile was shot and killed by members from the Water Police Section and Rangers from Parks and Wildlife NT. The culprit was identified as a rare and popular albino-headed crocodile which was named after the late ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson, who suffered from a skin condition called vitiligo.

I just have a couple comments regarding this article.

First of all, there is absolutely nothing funny about a man getting eaten by a crocodile. However, there is something intrinsically funny about a man getting eaten by a “rare and popular” albino-headed crocodile named after the “King of Pop,” Michael Jackson.

Secondly, we can’t really blame the crocodile, can we? He was probably just hungry and feeling a little light-headed.

Hey-O!

God, I hate myself right now.

Not as innocent as he looks.

When I get ready for school every day Sparky is on the bed, eyeing me with a mixture of sadness, disappointment and contempt. He knows exactly what the deal is now and he’s not happy with it. Anyway, as I always do I grab my clothes out of the closet and toss them on the bed. This morning I do the same, and after getting everything I need I start getting dressed. I start to reach for my pants but there’s nothing there. What the . . .? I could have sworn I’d tossed them on the bed, in fact I knew I had. At that point I notice a certain Jack Russell Terrier is missing in action. This never happens. Then I walk into the living room and there’s Sparky, relaxing on the couch . . . on top of my pants. Yep, in a presumed attempt to keep me home the little hooligan had pilfered my pants.

I was so impressed I wasn’t even mad. Nice try Spark.

Originally published on August 29th, 2012.

Thugs hadn’t planned on the big boy rolling in like a bat out of hell. Awesome.

Being loved by a stranger.

Posted: August 22, 2014 in Humor
Tags:

dfdbNaw, it’s not what you think, although being the worldwide internet mogul that I am it does bring out the occasional weirdo. Yes, I’m talking to you, Gladys Pickling of Sioux City, Iowa. Leave me alone.

Anyhoo, back to the title of this blog. What follows is an actual telephone conversation between myself and a lady tech (whom I’ve never met) at my veterinarian’s office mere minutes ago:

Me: Hello, this is Dave Shoemaker, Sparky’s dad. I got an email saying Spark is due for his shots but I just had him in a month ago. Did I miss something? 

Tech: Hold on, let me pull his file.

[pause, shuffling of papers]

Tech: No, he’s all caught up. Sorry for the miscommunication.

Me: No problem, I’m glad he’s good to go. Thank you.

Tech: You’re welcome. Love you. Bye.

[click]

Wait. What? Boy, that took a left-turn there at the end. What the hell just happened? Did she even realize what she’d done or was she sitting there embarrassed afterwards? Was it just force of habit on her part, you know, from talking to her kids or husband?

Or had my charismatic, magnetic personality dazzled her so much she fell in love with me over the phone in 30-seconds?

Yeah, that last one. That was probably it.

 PS – On a related note, just shut up and let me believe this, OK?

Just a heartfelt, incredible song. We can all relate, right? From the amazing Mark Oliver Everett, who I rank right up there with the greats. And I mean right up there.

The following article was written by Lauren Romano for Shine from Yahoo! While it’s flattering to ddffdsmale teachers it’s not entirely correct in all cases, and by “not entirely” I mean “hardly ever.” I thought I’d let you read it, followed by my thoughts . . .

Every year around back-to-school time, I’m reminded of a teacher I used to date a couple of years ago. We just didn’t have that spark so we only went on a handful of dates, but he was a great guy and will someday make a woman very happy (if he hasn’t already). There are a lot of benefits to dating a teacher, so if there’s one you’re interested in, it’s time to step up your game and go for it!

Yeah, sometimes that “spark” is hard to find, Lauren, I get it. And sometimes when you do find it, you get your ass singed, blistered or sometimes incinerated. Otherwise I couldn’t agree more. Step up your game and go for it ladies! Listen to Lauren! Good Lord, I’m pathetic.

But on to the so-called benefits:

They get along with (almost) everyone!

When you’re a teacher, you have to get along with young kids, their parents, co-workers, board members and a variety of others. It’s a requirement that you’re a people person. When you date a teacher, he’ll likely get along with almost anyone in your life from your parents to your best friends.

Let’s see . . . kids, their parents, co-workers, board members and a variety of others. Well, one out of five ain’t bad, I guess. Let’s see, what group have I gotten along with consistently over my teaching career? Kids. End of list.

They like kids!

Considering they work with kids on a daily basis, most teachers you meet are going to get along well with kids. This means if you have children or want some one day, there’s a good chance your guy is going to be able to connect well with them.

Score! I do love kids of all ages, always have. They make me laugh. I can relate to them, quite possibly because I have the maturity level of an 11-year old.*

*One of my exes put that number at 6, but she had a skewed perspective. In fact, she was skewed period, so skew her. On a related note, I’m an awful person.

They have set hours and set vacation time!

One of the biggest benefits of being a teacher is that you know what your hours are and when your vacation days are going to be. Your guy will be off weekends, holidays and the entire summer which means you can make plans without worry. Although he’ll have to attend some school functions, grade papers and do lesson plans after work, he won’t be working on most nights.

Wait. Lesson plans and grading papers after work? Nah, I had 5th graders for that sort of menial labor. Relax, I’m kidding. Partly.

They believe in positive reinforcement!

It’ll be hard to find a teacher who will say to a student “You’re an idiot. Do it again.” Teachers believe in positive reinforcement so rather than your guy throwing insults at you, he’ll likely be your biggest cheerleader. It’s an incredible feeling when you know your guy supports you.

False. I think you can call kids anything you want as long as you do it the right way. Yes, I’ve called kids idiots, doofuses, morons, weirdos, dummies, and a million other names. They know I don’t mean it. Well, usually. And positive reinforcement, while a great thing, doesn’t always work. Sometimes you have to use negative reinforcement. Maybe even a physical threat now and then. Sometimes I even go the ridicule route. Belittling can also be effective. It really depends on the kid. You gotta be creative! Bottom line? If they know you love them you can say almost anything to them. They’re way tougher and more thick-skinned than you think.

They’re prepared for anything!

I’ve yet to meet a teacher who wasn’t prepared for anything. Tissues, pens, paper, bandages, the exact amount of change, safety pins – they always seem to have everything you need on them at all times. It may be a superficial reason to date a teacher, but it’s still a huge benefit to know that whatever you need, your guy will likely have it on him.

Nope. I am rarely prepared for any of these things. My female counterparts in the rooms surrounding me, however, are very prepared. I’m exceptionally good at saying, “Hey Leah, run over to Mrs. Dailey’s room and see if she has any (insert anything here).”  Somebody close by invariably has what we need.

They’re not selfish!

Teachers are some of the most unselfish people on the planet. Many will go out of their way for anyone, especially those they care about. If you date a teacher, there’s a good chance he’ll go out of his way to be there for you for whatever you need.

Yes, I am one of the most unselfish people on the planet. Couldn’t agree more. 100% accurate. You’re not going to ask any of the women I’ve had relationships with though, right? Right? Please don’t ask.

You can always learn something new!

It’s amazing how much teachers know about a variety of topics. As someone who loves constantly learning, I need to be with a guy from whom I can learn. Rarely have I had a conversation with a teacher where I didn’t learn something new. If you have a thirst for knowledge, a teacher may just be your ideal mate.

Hey, you read my blog. I’m a multi-dimensional, well-rounded, cultured man of the world. I have many friends in Belgium, The Philippines and the Caribbean. Plus, LeBron James hates me. Yes, I’ve been around. So could I probably teach you something new? Oh yes I could. Let’s leave it at that.

There are, of course, exceptions to the rule and some teachers aren’t so wonderful. However, should you decide to go for a teacher, he’ll likely come with many of the aforementioned benefits that can help make your relationship a success.

Whatever you say, Lauren. Whatever you say.

Author’s Note: LAUREN ROMANO IS OUT OF HER MIND.

Originally published on August 10th, 2012.