243432Yeah, I knew that title would grab you.

After one of my recent blogs, my buddy Grinch Dog made a comment regarding the use of cell phones in bathrooms and it reminded me of a funny story. So, here goes . . .

It was the early days of cell phones and my friend Tim was at the airport bathroom. He’d really had to go on the plane but held off until he landed. I think anyone who has been in the bathroom of an airplane can identify with this decision. Anyway, he picked a stall and went in to have a seat. A few minutes later he heard a guy enter the stall next to him, and the following conversation (of sorts) took place.

Stranger: “Hey, what’s up?”

At this point Tim decided to keep quiet, not really being interested in carrying on a conversation with some random guy while, well, you know. But the guy was persistent.

Stranger: “How is everything?”

Tim: [silence]

Stranger: ‘I’m at the airport.”

Now Tim, although befuddled, felt like he had to say SOMETHING. “I’m at the airport?” What the hell? I mean, the guy was obviously unhinged or something. And so . . .

Tim: “Listen, I don’t really feel comfortable talking like this. Would you please leave me alone?”

Stranger: “Hold on for a second. Some dumbass in the stall next to me thinks I’m talking to him.”

Yep. Random Talky Stranger Dude was on his cell phone.

Oops.

Yes, the old man being threatened is in a walker. Good times.

Really, Ohio? That’s the best we can do?

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Since it’s Thanksgiving and all it got me to thinking about the original colonists and 987yhgt54whatnot. Being a history teacher of some renown, I know a little bit about this sort of stuff, kids. Anywho, anyone who ever had me in class will tell you that we had a bit of an anything goes policy, and if a kid brought up an interesting subject related to the lesson (and sometimes not) we’d usually run with it.

I also made it my mission to tell my kids the truth about history, not the glossed-over nonsense that was taught when I was a kid. That said, some of it wasn’t pretty, which brings me to today’s history lesson.

We all know that Jamestown was the first permanent English settlement in the new world, right? Established in 1607? We’re not counting that previous settlement down in Manteo, NC since it didn’t turn out so well. We can’t really call a settlement eventually known as The Lost Colony as permanent, now can we?

Turns out America was an absolutely terrible place to live in the beginning. Food was so scarce during the first winter that only 60 out of 500 colonists survived. That’s a survival rate of 12%, folks, which is not good. Anyway, everyone was really hungry so they had to resort to some rather, interesting methods of chowing down.

A government document from that time gives the gruesome details:

Driven thru insufferable hunger to eat those things which nature most abhorred, the flesh and excrements of man as well of our own nation as of an Indian, digged by some out of his grave after he had lain buried three days and wholly devoured him; others, envying the better state of body of any whom hunger has not yet so much wasted as their own, lay wait and threatened to kill and eat them; one among them slew his wife as she slept in his bosom, cut her in pieces, salted her and fed upon her till he had clean devoured all parts saving her.

Yeah, so there you have it. They feasted on dead bodies and poop.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Preach it brother! Preach it!

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The Ferguson riots are the best thing to happen to racists since, what, Malcom 876ythth56X? Pants that sag down around your ass? Maybe Three 6 Mafia? Wait. The O.J. trial? Who knows?

All I know is, the racists are coming out of the woodwork, man. Or closet, if you will.

Listen, I don’t know what happened in Ferguson. Only the police officer and the young man he killed know for sure exactly what happened. Maybe Michael Browne deserved to be shot in self-defense. Maybe Officer Darren Wilson overreacted when he shot Michael Brown. Perhaps we’ll never know for certain.

And I’ll never understand why people burn down buildings, loot their own town and call it a “protest.” It’s idiotic and dumb. That said, some of the talk I hear and some of the stuff I’m reading online is rather disturbing.

Here’s the deal. It’s clear to me that some people with racist tendencies are using what’s happening in Ferguson as an excuse to vent their feelings and validate their viewpoints.

The rage, the venom, some of the words that are used, one can’t help but associate all of it with a deeper seeded hatred. Something . . . more.

Where is this kind of talk when Kentucky wins a national title in basketball and the students riot? When WVU students burn their furniture? They’re never called “savages.” And why is it that when a fight breaks out in an NBA basketball game the players are called “thugs” but the word is never used to describe players doing the exact same thing in baseball or hockey? And what the hell, did anyone see the Keene State Pumpkin Festival Riots? Although that sounds like a joke, I’m being dead serious here. Click on that link. Imagine how that would have been described had it been a bunch of black students. Thugs! Animals! Instead, it’s a slew of drunken white college kids and I’m guessing most of you never even heard about it.

I need to tread lightly here, but I’ve seen the same thing with President Obama. Listen, I’ve never discussed politics on this site because it makes me angry when people refuse to listen to reason, but you’ll never convince me that many people’s dislike for Obama doesn’t at least partly originate from the color of his skin. If you hate his politics, fine. But I believe it goes deeper than that with some. Not all, mind you, but some.

Like I said, I’ll never understand the looting and burning. It’s stupid. But using this as an indictment on an entire race of people is equally ignorant. And in my opinion, that’s what a lot of people are doing, however subtle it may be.

Sorry, racists and bigots. Idiots come in all colors.

Deal with it.

Note: Several times over the past few days I’ve read several different versions of the following statement on social media: “Bring ‘em on! I’m locked and loaded over on Redneck Crick Road!” I made up that last part, but you get the point. My question is, locked and loaded for what? The horde of angry black folk that are going to charge up your driveway and steal your Larry the Cable Guy video collection? Good Lord. What are people so afraid of? 

Son, she’s just not that into you.

My comments follow . . .

Listen lady, I’m not mad at ya. Sometimes you have to get home. Hey, maybe she had some hot pizzas in the car and didn’t want to have to reheat those pies. Perhaps she forgot to DVR “The Voice” and was on double-time. Maybe she simply didn’t want to change a tire in the dirty street, ya know? Get home and let her 17-year old son do it.

And how about those assclowns narrating the video? If I had to spend 5-minutes in that car I’d kill them both with a ballpeen hammer to the back of the skull. Not even kidding.

86hrr56rgHave you ever known someone who is always complaining about being unlucky? Those people who are always blaming their misfortune on luck? I hate those people. I hate them because it’s an excuse, as if some God of Luck has frowned upon them. The old adage is true, folks – you make your own luck.

Usually.

Because boy, have there been some unlucky people on this planet. Some people just can’t catch a break, man. After some intense research, my crack staff here at Shoe: Untied has come up with our Top 6 Unluckiest People Ever, because five just wouldn’t cover it.

Here ya go . . .

Steven Parent

Never heard of Steven Parent? Steve was a kid just out of high school back in 1969 and one day picked up a hitchhiker named William. They hit it off and William invited Steven over for a visit. Seems William was a caretaker in Beverly Hills and lived in a cottage behind the main house. Well, Steven took him up on the offer and randomly stopped in one night.

It was August 8th, 1969, and the address was 10050 Cielo Drive, the home of actress Sharon Tate.

If that name doesn’t ring a bell, it should. Because as Steven Parent was leaving his new friend’s house, the Manson Family was pulling in. Steven never made it out of the driveway that night, nor did anyone else in the main house. They were all massacred, and Steven Parent had picked the absolute worst evening to visit a friend – the night the Manson Family came calling.

Pete Best

Children, Pete Best was a drummer for a rock band. That band practiced in his mother’s basement for months. When the band decided to change their hair style, Pete resisted. He preferred his slicked-back ducktail. Pete didn’t hang out with the other three band members much, preferring to go it alone. The female fans loved Pete as well, which rubbed the other band members the wrong way. Finally, in August Pete was kicked out of the band and replaced by a guy with a funny nickname. Five months after that the band came to America and found some success as a group called, you guessed it, The Beatles.

Costis Mitsotakis

Never heard of Costis? Me either, until a few minutes ago. But man was he unlucky.

You see, every Christmas in Spain there’s a huge lottery. One year the tiny village of Sodeto had some serious cause for celebration after all of the 70 households — except for one — pitched in to buy a ticket. Well, they won. This resulted in them getting a share of the monster $950 million first-place prize. Do the math, loyal readers. The residents, mainly farmers and unemployed construction workers, walked away with millions.

Everyone, that is, except one unlucky guy named Costis Mitsotakis. Poor old Costis was the only man in the village who didn’t participate that year. Perhaps he was saving up to buy a new goat or something, one never knows. Anywho, bad stroke of luck right there.

Roy Sullivan

Let me be brief with this one. The odds of being struck by lightning once in your lifetime are roughly 3,000 to 1. Roy Sullivan was a park ranger in Virginia who was struck by lightning 7-times. Being struck seven times has odds of around twenty-two septillion to one. That’s 22,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 to 1. ‘Nuff said.

Note: After getting struck by lightning a couple of times, wouldn’t you, you know, stay inside?

Ann Hodges

One minute Ann Hodges was minding her own business, just taking a nap on her couch in Sylacauga, Alabama. The next she was hit by a freaking meteorite. The offending space rock came crashing through her roof and hit her on the hip. Ann survived and remains the only human in recorded history to be hit by a meteorite. Top that one, suckers.

Tsutomu Yamaguchi

Tsutomu lived in Japan in 1945. He lived in Nagasaki but was on a business trip in Hiroshima on August 6th, when we dropped the first atomic bomb on the city. He miraculously survived, and returned home on August 9th. Well, we all know what happened to Nagasaki on August 9th, right? Yep, we dropped bomb #2. Again,  Tsutomu Yamaguchi survived and lived until 2010.

You know, now that I type this I realize that Tsutomu Yamaguchi may actually be one of the luckiest men who ever lived.

So kids, the next time you’re feeling a little sorry for yourself remember these people. At least you weren’t pulling out of a driveway just as the Manson family was pulling in, or you know, hit by lightning or a meteor or an atomic bomb (twice) or something.

So on this Thanksgiving folks, count your blessings. It could be much worse.

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HOOKSETT, N.H. (CBS) A game of Monopoly ended with a young woman under arrest in New Hampshire. Hooksett police say they were called by the victim to a home on Post Road late Sunday night for a report of a domestic disturbance. Alyssa Ferraro, 21, told officers “she got into an argument with her boyfriend over a game of Monopoly and open hand slapped him in the face,” according to a police statement. The boyfriend was not seriously hurt.

Listen, I totally understand how a rousing game of Monopoly can lead to violence. Hell, last week I posted about that game of Battleship that led to gunplay. These things happen. But that’s not my problem here. My problem is with the boyfriend. What kind of a guy calls 911 after his girlfriend “open hand slapped him in the face”? Dude, you weren’t seriously hurt. Walk away. Go for a drive. Walk down to your local pub and have a beer. For God’s sake, take a deep breath and go somewhere, but don’t ever, ever call the po-po on your lady friend. Not for an slap to the kisser. Man Card revoked.

Yes folks, this is a real thing.

UNREAL.

It is my site, ya know. I can write about anything I damn well please. Sorry, I’m a little edgy today.

I’ve never been a big dance song fan, nor have I been a dancer. Well, if you don’t count my six-week gig at the Boogie Bungalow back in the late 70’s. Hey, I was short on cash.

Anywho, I heard La Bamba on the radio the other day and it got me to thinking about the most popular dance songs and dances in modern music history.

I’m not talking about old fads like The Jitterbug, Cha-Cha or Charleston, nor am I going to discuss anything disco related. Hey, I was one of those guys with a “Disco Sucks” t-shirt back in the day, and I once threw a half-eaten Hymie’s Double Sub with Extra Cheese at a DJ in the Serene Lounge on High Street in Columbus for playing “Get Up and Boogie” by The Silver Convention.

Man, I need to take a breath.

Long story short (or is it too late for that?) I’m going to rank some of the most popular dances in music history from 1-10, beginning with #10 and working my way up. And by the way, those missing the cut included The Wahtusi, The Humpty Dance and that Gangnam crap.

But let us boogie onward . . .

#10. The Macarena

I hated the Macarena, and it wasn’t because the guys who sang it looked like my accountants. It was because, in 1994, you could not get away from the damn song. It was everywhere, and as you can see by the video above, it was annoying as hell.

#9. The Electric Slide

Oh, how I hate the Electric Slide. When people start doing this in bars I want to crawl under a table. I’m opposed to line dancing in general, but the Electric Slide swims alone in my pool of boiling hatred.

#8. The Mashed Potato

As you can see, the Mashed Potato was a very good dance. Not Top 5 worthy but special nonetheless. The footwork those ladies are exhibiting is spectacular.

#7. The Swim

How great was The Swim? The answer is very. Basically all you had to do was hop around and act as if you were swimming, hence the name. Der. Breaststroke, Dog Paddle, whatever you wanted. Love it.

#6. The Frug

By name alone, The Frug has to be Top 10. It’s pronounced “Frooog” for you youngsters out there. Helluva dance. Pure, unadulterated joy, ya know?

#5. The Jerk

The Jerk may be the most aptly named dance in the history of dances. Jerk people! Jerk!

#4. The Robot

We all knew that one guy in our class that could do The Robot, right? The Robot is timeless.

#3. The Freddie

Oh, how I loved The Freddie. It was a dance performed by the immortal Freddie and the Dreamers, and it was glorious as you can see. Do the Freddie!

#2. The Twist

Ah, you knew this was coming, right? The eternal Twist. Chubby Checker parlayed this dance into a hit the following year with “Let’s Twist Again”, which was basically the same song with different words. As the video shows, The Twist will never die.

#1. The Creep

O.K., I gotta admit this dance didn’t take the country by storm like The Twist or Macarena. It’s a personal favorite. But like I said, it’s my site and you know you like it, right?

So there you have it, ten of the top dances from the past 60+ years. But you know what? No dance blog would be complete without the following video, which I must say is for adults only. Enjoy!

Spark, why ya gotta be so mean?

Prance like a douchebag? Check. Ignore my teammate? Check.  Over-celebrate something I’m paid to do anyway? Check. All about me? Check. Yep, that about covers it.

So good.

Good stuff.

Awesome.

The world is a cruel place. How could I possibly live to my age without having a Pizza Cone? Seriously? I’ve eaten chocolate-covered ants, caramel-covered grasshoppers, gator, shark, bear meat, and an unknown fish that was speared out of the Caribbean 5-minutes prior to me eating it. But you know what I’ve never eaten? A Pizza Cone. I want a Pizza Cone and I want one yesterday.

Except in every way.

Listen, I love Greg Oden. I thought he was going to be a great pro. But if you’re familiar with his career you know he’s played in something like 105 0f 574 possible games in the NBA. So if you were Greg Oden would you not realize the irony of wearing this shirt? Good Lord. C’mon Greg. Your better’n at.

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Burgled by a Thoughtful Thief

Posted: November 20, 2014 in Life
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canstock2656288A few years ago I attended a gathering at a local apartment complex and upon returning to my car, immediately noticed something was amiss. I soon became apparent that I’d been robbed. Burgled. Someone had been into my stuff.

First off, if you’ve ever been robbed you know how upset and angry it makes you. The mere fact that some low-life would break into your house or car to steal your property is infuriating. That said, you assess your damages and move on.

The first thing I noticed was my glove compartment was open and stuff was strewn all over the car. I checked in my little change compartment and all of that was gone, probably $20 worth, so no big deal. I could live with that.

Then I looked in the console between the seats, where I kept my CDs. Not all my CDs, mind you, but a probably 200 of them.

Gone.

After a few minutes of looking around and cussing the criminal or criminals who’d taken my personal property, I finally sat back in the driver’s seat and let out a long sigh. But just as I was about to slam my hand on the steering wheel and let out one last scream, I noticed something.

There, on the dashboard of my car, stacked in several neat piles, was every single one of my Beatles CDs. And atop every pile lay  several Beatle pins that previously had been pinned up on my driver’s side visor.

It seems my thief had gone through my CDs, had seen that I was a big Beatles fan, and had left all my Beatles stuff on my dash. And no, I don’t think it was because he hated The Beatles. Otherwise, why would he leave everything in such a tidy. organized row?

My theory was confirmed seconds later. There, stuck to the speedometer on my dash, was a post-it note. I’ll paraphrase, but the note said something close to this:

Sorry I broke into your car but I was looking for money.

I started to take your Beatles music but I like them too. So, I thought I’d just Let it Be. Get it?

Yes, burglar man. I get it.

Dirty rotten crook? Hell yeah.

All bad? Not quite.

Whaddup, Mississippi and West Virginia?

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Image  —  Posted: November 20, 2014 in Humor, Relationships
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Cool.

Here are a few of my favorites. What are yours?

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