Looks like he just remembered he’s a Cubs fan.

jack

Love Conan.

Can’t breathe here.

Love it.

honesty

Marshawn Lynch is a successful NFL running back. He makes a boatload of money. He drives a Lamborghini. When he parks his Lambo he puts velvet ropes around it, ostensibly to keep the unwashed masses away from his property. Seriously, he apparently keeps this stuff in the trunk and arranges it around his car. On a related note, I’m dyin’ over here.

lynch

Seriously. Don’t.

concert

Tony Dungy is a former Super Bowl winning professional football coach who also played in the tony-dungy-michael-sam-618x400league. He is a well respected man who is well-known for his conservative Christian beliefs, and he often speaks at churches across the country regarding his convictions.

Yesterday he was asked about Michael Sam, the openly gay player from Missouri who was drafted by the St. Louis Rams this past spring. Specifically he was asked if he would have drafted Sam.

His response?

“No. Not because I don’t believe Michael Sam should have a chance to play, but I wouldn’t want to deal with all of it . . . it’s not going to be totally smooth … things will happen.’’

Listen, I don’t want to get into a religious discussion regarding homosexuality. I, for one, couldn’t care less about somebody’s sexual orientation. It simply doesn’t matter to me. That said, I believe Tony Dungy is showing an incredible amount of hypocrisy by saying this. Here’s a few reasons why . . .

Tony Dungy is an African-American who was allowed to play in the NFL because people before him fought for his right to do so. It wasn’t always the way it is now, Coach Dungy. And you know what general managers and owners said when asked if they’d draft a black guy? Something along these lines:

“No. Not because I don’t believe a black man should have a chance to play, but I wouldn’t want to deal with all of it . . . it’s not going to be totally smooth … things will happen.’’

Hmmm . . . sound familiar?

And I’ll let you in on a secret. When Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in professional baseball it didn’t go “totally smooth.”

And yes, things happened.

And as I mentioned, Tony Dungy coached in the NFL. I guarantee he had players on his team who lived lives contrary to his religious beliefs. They drank, smoked weed, had affairs, and fathered several children from different women. Did Tony not want these men on his team or was that all OK? I’m confused.

As I recall Tony Dungy was a huge advocate for giving Michael Vick, the convicted dog murderer, a second chance. He said he’d have no problem having Vick on his team when he was released from prison. I guess that wouldn’t have been a distraction, huh?

Good grief.

Are you sure you don’t have a problem with Michael Sam because he’s gay, Tony? You’re supposed to be a man of conviction and integrity, so just tell the truth. If you disagree with his lifestyle just say it.

And stop being a hypocrite.

So I got a rather mean email from a hater fan after she read some of my stuff regarding baby you_named_me_whatnames. According to her it’s none of my damn business what people name their babies, and that’s sort of difficult to argue with, except I will anyway.

See, I feel it’s my place as the voice of reason in this crazy-ass, mixed-up world to also be the voice for all the Draydens, Jaydiens, Apples, Moxies and Blues out there. Someone has to speak up for the kids, damn it!

And oh, by the way, the complainee’s name was Myrna, which I thought may have been of some significance. I mean, growing up as a Myrna wouldn’t you be sensitive to poorly chosen names? But n-o-o-o-o, Myrna chose to direct her ire towards me rather than mom and pop.

With all this in mind I perused the archives of Shoe: Untied and, sure enough, I’ve written a few blogs regarding modern baby names. In honor of Myrna I shall reprint them below, because I think they’re pretty funny. Please excuse the fact that I repeated myself a couple times. These baby names get me all befuddled and whatnot.

And remember, it’s for the kids! We’ll begin with the blog that started it all . . .

NEW AMERICAN BABY NAMES. YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP. THEN AGAIN, MAYBE YOU CAN.

I was skimming through a magazine at the dentist’s office the other day and ran across an article about new American baby names. I think it’s a pretty well-known fact that Americans have pretty much lost their collective minds when it comes to naming children. It used to be pretty easy, just name the kid John or Robert or Mary or Sally and move on.

Oh, we had the nutjobs in the ’70s like Frank Zappa who named his kids Dweezil and Moon Unit, but overall it was pretty simple. My best friends as a kid? Dave, Tom, Ted and Jeff. Today? No, it has to be something completely unique, something nobody else has ever used. For the love of God, Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. I assume Banana is next, followed by Grape and Muskmelon?

Jeebus.

Here are some recent samples I found online, followed by my biting commentary. Let’s start with the boys:

Blayde. They must think the added “y” really puts it over the top. I’m assuming they’ll name the next boy Nyfe? Or maybe Daggir? Mashetty? Sabre? Shank? Good Lord. Wait. What about Shiv? I actually sort of like Shiv.

Chesney. Three words – country music fans. What’s next, Urban? Wait, that one’s taken. On the other hand, Cash is pretty cool for a first name. Still, if somebody names their kid McGraw I’ll become unglued.

Sketch. Really? Sketch? SKETCH? What, Doodle wasn’t available?

Draven. Really? Aren’t you pretty much guaranteeing your kid take up Black Magic and become a Warlock if you name him Draven?

Diesel. As you may or may not have read, I had a kindergartner a couple years ago named Diesel who was the epitome of cool. Until he shat his pants, of course. After that, not so much. If your name is Diesel you’d better be able to back it up.

Izander. Izander? What? Sounds like someone from the Land of Ize.

Jaydien. Here’s what bothers me about Jaydien. The extra “i”. Totally unnecessary. Kid’s going to have to spell the name out every time he checks into a hotel or gives it to someone over the phone.

Zaiden. Of course we have Zaiden. Next will come Zayden. Or Zaydien, as in Jaydien.

Sigh. Enough of the dumb boy names. The girl names can’t be so pretentious, can they? Can they? Oh God . . .

Brook’Lynn. Apparently the apostrophe is a new trend. What’s next, Me’Gan? Kel’Le?

Luxx. This is the epitome of the horrible “new” baby names. Luxx. Sounds like a nemisis of Superman or maybe a brand of sweeper.

Copelia. Does that sound sexual to anyone but me?

Fallyn. Sounds like an angel that has fallen from grace or something. Just depressing.

Tybee. This sounds like a late night infomercial brand name. Get the new Tybee Fruit Juicer Now! One-time offer only!

Joplyn. Being a classic rock fan, I actually like this. In fact, I think a family of Joplyn, Jimi, Morrison, and Croce would be pretty cool if you ignore the fact that they were all named after people who died before they were 30.

Jerrika. Presumedly has a father named Jerry and a mother named Erika? If my parents used that logic I’d be named Ralphthryn or Kalph.

There were a lot more but I’m becoming too depressed to include them. But seriously, folks, don’t be afraid to go old school with the baby names. There is nothing wrong with naming a kid Max, Sam, Jack . . . even David. My general advice would be to keep it simple, but what the hell do I know? Do what makes you happy, but remember there are no guarantees I won’t make fun of you.

Seriously, SKETCH?

DUMB BABY NAMES, PART II

Extra – Naturally, everyone assumes Kim Kardashian and Kanye West will give their baby girl a name that starts with a K. Not only do both parents’ names begin with the letter, but most of Kim’s family members have K names too. The Sun, however, says Kanye jumped on the unusual baby name bandwagon and has fallen for the name North, as in North West. North is tamer than some Hollywood baby names like Nicolas Cage’s son Kal-El (after Superman), Penn Jillette’s daughter Moxie Crimefighter and Jason Lee’s boy, Pilot Inspektor.

Well, you may remember my blog about baby names awhile back. In the blog I made fun of people who call their kids Blayde and Draven and other ridiculous names like those.

So, when I read the article above I can’t say I was particularly surprised. After all, it IS Kanye. But still, North West? Really? Why no love for South West? How about Old West? Go West? Head West?

The mind reels.

Can somebody explain all this to me?

DUMB BABY NAMES, PART INFINITY

I think I’ve made my feelings clear regarding the new baby-naming trend, and those feelings are that I hate it.  To wit . . .

How about the names celebrities have given their poor kids? Check these out:

Kal-El. Yes kids, Nicholas Cage named his son after Superman. ‘Nuff said.

Moxie Crimefighter.  This is the name given to Penn Jillette’s daughter. Penn Jillette is a magician, and by the time Moxie is 12-years old I’m guessing she’ll want daddy to disappear. You know, for cursing her with that ridiculous name.

Pilot Inspektor is Jason Lee’s kid, whoever that is. Here’s a hint for ya, Jason. If you type a name and spellcheck puts that squiggly line under it, it’s probably a stupid name. I actually looked this up, and Inspektor is Swedish for inspector. That tells me nothing other than that Jason Lee is an idiot.

Blue Ivy. Yep, Jay-Z and Beyoncé named their kid Blue Ivy. Sounds like a trendy restaurant those Hollywood types would go to. I can hear it now. “Hey, I hear the Gluten-Free Panna Cotta at the Blue Ivy is fabulous.”

Rainbow. Actually, probably not a bad choice for that Playboy chick Holly Madison’s baby, since Holly’s fame is sure to be rainbow-like. And by rainbow-like I mean short-lived.

Bob Geldolf, lead singer of the Boomtown Rats and Live Aid organizer? He named his kid Fifi Trixibelle. That’s right. Fifi wasn’t enough. He then followed it up with another Toy Poodle name, Trixibelle.

David Duchovny and Tea Leoni named their kid . . . Kyd. Good Lord. Kyd? Why not Baybee? Chylde? Yungin? Anklebyter? Infynt? Whyppyrsnappyr? OK, I’m just rambling now. Sorry.

Bono, lead singer of U2, has named his son Memphis Eve. Yep, his boy is named for the night before Memphis. I don’t get it either.

Actor Rob Morrow named his kid Tu. Get it? Tu Morrow? What’s next, Candy Barr? Smelly Beaver?

I hate myself right now.

On a related note, sorry Myrna.

Update: I have been reminded that I in fact have a cousin named Myrna. I am 99% sure the emailer was not my cousin Myrna. OK, maybe 75%.

 

On a related note, I’m pretty sure I just invented a new word.

gunshow

Doofus.

Doofus.

I’m dead serious here. It happens every week. A new family will move into one of the cottages, dad and the kids head to the beach, and the first thing he does is start digging a hole. I have several comments regarding this phenomenon, and shall list them thusly:

WHY? Because it’s easy to dig in the sand? I’m befuddled. I can see building sandcastles and stuff, but digging a hole?

Often the idiot hole-diggers don’t fill them back in. Newsflash: People walk on the beach at night. They can’t see the hole you dug. They could fall in. They could break something due to your stupidity.

It’s dangerous. Years ago a guy dug a really deep hole down in Nag’s Head and then he put his beach chair in it and sat down. Why, you ask? Only he knew, and he took the answer to his grave, which happened to be the hole he’d just dug. This is because the hole collapsed on him and killed him. I remember it took them 45-minutes to dig him out as his family watched in horror. Helluva vacation killer, right there.

Did you know that more people are killed or injured every year from a sand hole collapsing than a shark attack? For realz.

In conclusion, if you feel the need to dig a hole on the beach please fill it back in. And for God’s sake don’t dig it so deep it could kill you.

Then again, maybe that’s sort of God’s way of thinning the herd, so to speak.

Carry on.

If only there was a better way . . .

hat

Impossible to watch this and not laugh.

Chills.

Chills.

Well, I know people are in Florida. I’m talking about people I know who are in Florida. Am I making sense? Read on . . .

SARASOTA, Fla. — A local angler has quite the fish tale to tell. He says he recently caught a pacu on the Suncoast — a member of the piranha family with a very unsettling reputation.

The name of Tom Rigby’s boat is Asleep at the Reel. About a month ago, Rigby was fishing Phillippi Creek with a shrimp and was wide awake when his line took off. “I had the drag set pretty tight, and it’s running with it. My first thought was a jack because they fight like crazy.”

After a long fight, he brought the fish aboard the boat. “I got out my fish ID chart and go through all of the species. I can’t see anything that looks like the species.” He snapped a quick photo of the fish and released it back into the water.

He sent his picture of the fish to Mote Marine. They quickly identify it as a pacu, a freshwater species native to South America — and related to the piranha. “I’m looking at all of the teeth, saying this thing can do some serious damage to another fish or something.”

That something will make men everywhere cringe. “I found out it has a reputation for going after men’s testicles. I was just worried about it biting my finger.”

The mystery remains: how did this fish end up here? The likely answer is that at one time it was someone’s pet that outgrew its aquarium and was released into area waters.

Well, well. Do you think the men down south are a little on edge when they hit the surf today?

Listen, I gotta be honest. I don’t care if it was somebody’s pet, isn’t native to the waters, or if there’s a 1 in 1,000,000 chance of running into this monstrosity. There is zero chance, ZERO, that I’d go swimming off the coast of Sarasota, Florida until this evil beast is caught.

And let’s see. Sarasota’s on the Gulf side of Florida, so in order to make it to the Outer Banks it would have to swim all the way around the bottom of Florida and up the east coast.

I’m pretty sure I’m safe. Still, if they already found one out there . . .

Stellar.

Good man.

Best line: “I gotta go check my cat.”

I ran across a bunch of these over at Bored Panda, a funky little website that posts quirky things like “The Most Beautiful Steps in the World” and “Dramatic Fairy Sculptures” and “Street Art from Around the World” and stuff like that. Anyway, I perused their “25 Inventions You Didn’t Know You Needed” and picked out my favorite seven to share with you, my loyal readers. I’ll add my thought-provoking comments and even add my grade. Wooot! Damn, I’m bored.

Let us begin . . .

useful-inventions-8-1

I like this one. See, the paper has a bunch of names and greetings, then you just circle the one that is appropriate. Then again, that’s sort of impersonal, isn’t it? Disregard. Grade: D-

useful-inventions-32

Not bad, but I could see myself getting toothpaste all over the mirror and throwing that thing in the trash in a few days. Grade: C-

useful-inventions-310

I like this idea for the average person who, you know, irons and stuff. I haven’t ironed anything since 1985. That’s what the unwrinkle cycle on the dryer is for, right? Still pretty cool though. Grade: A-

useful-inventions-11-1

How can this possibly work? I’d be spilling my beer, I mean coffee, all over the place. Dumb. Grade: F

useful-inventions-17-1

I like this one a lot. I see my friend Heather running by my house all the time sprinting as she pushed her kids in a stroller. Better watch out for potholes, though. Grade: A

useful-inventions-23

YES!!! Screw the cats, Sparky would love this. Then again, perhaps he’d find it beneath him to use something so . . . petlike. Not bad though. Grade: B+

useful-inventions-24

What’s so great about this? I’ve been using scissors to cut pizza for years. And that slice thingy would just complicate matters and get in the way. Dumb. Grade: D-

If you’ve read my acclaimed blog “Wait. We were promised Jet Packs!” you’d know that I have several ideas for inventions much better than these, including my Refridgerwave, the Car Hair Dryer, The Flashdark and Drinkable Mouthwash. Trust me, they’re all A+ inventions.

Now excuse me while I go work on my Wine Flavored Dental Floss.

Idjuts.

The Crash Test Dummies and their tune “Superman’s Song” popped up on my iPod the1 other day and it got me to thinking, which is always sort of a roll of the dice. It suddenly occurred to me that, oddly enough, The Shoe Archives Music Collection contains several songs that are about or reference Superman in some way. In addition, they’re almost all good songs (the key there being the word “almost”).

Is this an interesting topic? Maybe, to some people. To most? Probably not. To me? Absolutely. And since the Shoe: Untied readers are a musically sophisticated lot, I can be sure you’ll be glued to every word. Ah, what the hell, since it fascinates me that’s all that matters. Hey, it’s my site.

Believe it or not I had to narrow it down to my Top 5 with an Honorable Mention. I couldn’t, in good conscience, keep “Black Superman (Muhammed Ali)” by The Kinshasa Band in the mix. Yes, I have that song in my collection, and I like it, damn it. Open minds, people. Open minds. Without further ado, I give you my list (click on the title to see and hear whatever the hell I could find on YouTube):

1. Superman – R.E.M. (1986)

This is actually a cover of a song done in the 60’s by a band called The Clique. To be specific, it was the B-Side of The Clique’s only hit, “Sugar on Sunday.” “Sugar on Sunday,” by the way, was originally written and recorded by Tommy James & the Shondells (I swear all this stuff is in my head and not garnered from the interwebs). I retain this kind of information but lose my car keys at least once a week. Anyway, a great song by R.E.M. from the album “Lifes Rich Pageant” that has some strong vocals by both Michael Stipe and Mike Mills. Cool Peter Buck intro as well.

2. (Wish I Could Fly Like) Superman – The Kinks (1979)

From the “Low Budget” album, this song has some of the familiar, clever Ray Davies lyrics we all know and love. The Kinks, by the way, were probably the very first punk rock band. Sorry, I can’t help myself. Anywho, a sampling:

Woke up this morning, started to sneeze

I had a cigarette and a cup of tea

I looked in the mirror what did I see

A nine stone weakling with knobbly knees

I did my knees bend press ups touch my toes

I had another sneeze and I blew my nose

I looked in the mirror at my pigeon chest

I had to put on my clothes because it made me depressed

Surely there must be a way

For me to change the shape I’m in

Dissatisfied is what I am I want to be a better man.

Superman, Superman, wish I could fly like Superman.

Ah. Don’t we all.

3. O Superman – Laurie Anderson (1981)

I know, Laurie Anderson isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Her music has been described as Art Rock, Progressive Rock, Experimental Rock, and Avant-Garde Rock. Again, it’s not for everybody, but I love it, so don’t judge. If you ever want an interesting and original music experience, rent the DVD “Home of the Brave”, Laurie’s 1986 concert film. I wouldn’t have friends over to share it with though, unless it’s me. “O Superman” is half sung, half spoken, and all weird. I’d print some lyrics but they’d either confuse you or frighten you, but more than likely do both. It’s on her “Big Science” album from the early ‘80’s. So, just click on the title up there, close your eyes, and float downstream . . .

4. Superman’s Song – Crash Test Dummies (1991)

Please click on that link. It’s the Dummies at their peak. And yes, The Dummies had a peak.

Some people hear Brad Robert’s voice and want to go out and shoot up a mall. Me? I always liked the Dummies, and this song is sung with such earnestness that you really believe these guys are lamenting the sad life of Superman with a true sincerity.

But probably not. Dig this:

Hey Bob, Supe had a straight job

Even though he could have smashed through any bank

In the United States, he had the strength, but he would not

Folks said his family were all dead

Their planet crumbled but Superman, he forced himself

To carry on, forget Krypton, and keep going.

Supermen never made any money

For saving the world from Solomon Grundy

And sometimes I despair the world will never see

Another man like him.

See what I’m sayin’? That’s good stuff right there.

5. Superman’s Ghost – Don McLean (1989)

Again, great lyrics, so click on that link and listen!

This song is about George Reeves, the actor who portrayed Superman on the 50’s television show and ended up shooting himself in the head. The guy could never get past the stereotype after playing the role. By the way, there’s a very good movie starring Ben Affleck called Hollywoodland that addresses this very subject, and why they never used this song in the movie is beyond me. Anyway, check out some lyrics:

I’m red white and blue, I’ve got justice to do

I’m the man of your fantasy dreams

But I’m an alien man from an alien land

Who’s alive on your orthicon screens.

I once ruled the world and when flags were unfurled

I performed for you live not on tape.

But the public is cruel when played for a fool

As you see by the blood on my cape.

As I listened to this today it occurred to me that McLean could actually be singing about himself and the fact that he’s never been able to get past “American Pie.” God I’m good. Amirite?

Honorable Mention:

Superman (It’s Not Easy) – Five for Fighting (2000)

This version could have been inspired by the Dummies song for all I know. The lyrics are similar and the feel is along the same lines as well. To wit . . .

I can’t stand to fly

I’m not that naive

Men weren’t meant to ride

With clouds between their knees

I’m only a man in a silly red sheet

Digging for kryptonite on this one way street

Only a man in a funny red sheet

Looking for special things inside of me

It’s not easy to be . . . . me.

I know, there’s all kinds of meanings you can read into the lyrics of songs like “Superman (It’s Not Easy)” and “Superman’s Song”. The whole “even though I’m strong and seem to have everything I still have problems blah-blah-blah” line of psychobabble bullshit. I prefer to take these songs at face value, but that’s just me. But interpret as you will. That’s what music is all about, no?

One more thing. I wonder why there have been so many songs about Superman but not about other superheroes? I mean, I don’t know of any songs about Batman or The Hulk. Thoughts, anyone?

Man, I need to get out more. Have a great day.

Originally published on May 12th, 2012.

Worst. Typo. Ever.

Posted: July 19, 2014 in Fails, Humor
Tags:

I cannot imagine a worst case scenario for a typo. Sweet Mother.


typo

Young hoopsters out there, please pause this video at the very beginning. If the four defenders off the ball were anywhere near where they’re supposed to be, down in a stance defensively and up the ball line, there is no way this dunk happens. Instead, they’re all standing up, way too close to their man, with no court vision, giving Parker a free, unhindered route to the basket. I swear I have 7th graders in my program who’d be in better position than this.

The NBA – Where Poor D Happens!

My experience yesterday with my Shell/BP cards reminded me of some other dumb things I’ve images witnessed or heard about in my life. I mean, people say dumb things all the time, but occasionally someone will drop a line on me that actually leaves me breathless, stunned and speechless at their level of ignoramusness.

Note #1: You may have just witnessed history, as I used the word ignoramusness in a sentence. That’s gotta be a first, people.

Note #2: I’m awesome.

I have heard several moronic comments my own self, so I shall pass these on to you thusly. Let us begin . . .

As many of you know, I have a son named Kip. He was born in Korea and is of Asian ancestry. I happened to be in Athens, Ohio at a basketball camp when the word came down that Kip had been born. When I got the news I was with a coaching friend of mine (I’ll withhold his name to save him from the embarrassment of looking like a complete buffoon). My friend knew nothing of the adoption, so naturally he had some questions. Here’s the conversation that followed:

Coach: “So your son was born? Where? How?”

Me: “He was just born in Korea. He’ll be here in a few weeks. I can’t wait to see him.”

Coach, puzzled: “He’s Korean?”

Me: “Yeah, just born. Isn’t it great?”

Coach, looking befuddled: “Aren’t you going to have trouble teaching him English?”

I just stared at him, dumbstruck. Then I walked away.

I had a kid on one of my AAU teams a couple years ago that ordered a salad with extra futons. The waiter looked at him as if he was looking at a talking llama.

Years ago I had a player on one of my basketball teams who wasn’t what you would call a Rhodes Scholar. Let’s call him Bryan. On our fast break he was supposed to go to a certain spot of the floor. In the PV gym that spot was where the Bearcat Paw was painted near mid-court. When we got the rebound Bryan was supposed to go to the Bearcat Paw and wait for the outlet pass. As a result I’d drilled that into his head in the pre-season:

“Bryan! Go to the Bearcat Paw!”

You get the idea. Anyway, we had our first scrimmage that year at Alexander HS. A couple minutes into the scrimmage Bryan came running over to me, wild-eyed, and yelled this:

“Coach! Where do I go? There’s no Bearcat Paw on this floor!”

Sigh.

When I was AD at Paint Valley I had a pretty well-known coach come up to me before a basketball game, just livid because there were only 12-chairs available on his bench and he had to sit 12-players plus coaches there. My response?

“Well. five of your players will be on the floor, correct?”

He just nodded and sat down.

Last year my basketball team went to a 5-team Shootout. After our fourth game I told the kids we were finished and it was time to go home. That led to this exchange:

“Coach, there are 5-teams here. We have another game left!”

“Uh, no. Because one of those teams are us. Let’s go.”

But on to more famous dumb people.

Here’s a quote from Brooke Shields during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.:

Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”

So true. So very true.

Here’s a gem from former vice-president Dan Quayle:

If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.”

And if we fail, we greatly reduce our chances of success, Dan. Just sayin’.

Noted brainiac and pop singer Mariah Carey had this to say about world hunger:

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.”

I can only imagine what she means by “and stuff.” Good God.

When basketball player Jason Kidd was drafted by the Dallas Mavericks, he promised this:

We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”

See Jason, if you turn 360 degrees, you’re right back where you started. Ah, never mind.

Here’s one more for y’all. When I first started teaching back in the stone age, we used mimeograph machines to make copies. You actually turned the thing by hand. Anyway, copiers came along and made things easier, but not everyone got the hang of it right away. I walked into the office one day and there was a teacher making copies. She was doing this by hitting the “1″ button over and over, and over, again. In other words, she needed 30-copies so she was hitting the button 30-times. I calmly showed her that you could hit “3″ followed by an “0″, THEN hit copy and you’d get 30-copies. You’d have thought I’d given her the Secret of Life.

Dumb.

Note: While researching this blog I came to the realization that I write about dumb people a LOT. Just type “dumb” into the search box at the top left of Shoe: Untied to see what I mean.

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You can’t even try and do a good deed these days. Sad really.

From Kentucky, of course:

CORBIN, Ky. (AP) — Police in southern Kentucky say they got a surprise delivery after charging a man with shoplifting — five pizzas showed up at the station.

Officers say 29-year-old Michael Harp asked to make a call on his cellphone Tuesday afternoon while being booked in Corbin. A short time later, police say, a pizza delivery driver showed up to deliver to “Officer Wilson,” the name of the officer who arrested Harp.

Police say they linked the call to Harp by tracking his cellphone number. Harp told Lexington station WKYT-TV it’s all a misunderstanding.

Harp now faces additional charges including theft of identity, theft by deception, and impersonating a police officer.

WHAT?

Let me get this straight. My man Michael Harp gets busted for shoplifting, gets taken downtown to be charged, decides to be a nice guy and order some tasty pizza pies for the arresting officer and his friends, and gets in more trouble? Seriously, theft by identity and deception? All for ordering a the most delicious concoction ever invented for the po-po? Pizza is the ultimate peace offering, man!

Misunderstand indeed, Michael Harp.

Lighten up, Corbin Police Department! Lighten up!

Note: I’d bet my life right now they ate the pizzas.

The Dumb Things We Do.

Posted: July 18, 2014 in Humor, Life
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And by “we” I mean “I”.

You know, sometimes being dumb and being inattentive can be mistaken for each other, imagesNKKI30Q1correct? Please tell me I’m correct. Because today I did something that could be taken for being either incredibly dumb or showing an amazing lack of attention to detail.

And by detail I mean the obvious.

The slap in the face, right in your grillmix obvious.

Here’s the lowdown . . .

I’ve been making the conversion to paying all my bills online, which is something I’ve been meaning to do since, oh, 2000. Anyhoo, a month or so ago I decided to jump headlong into the new millenium and do it, albeit about a decade and a half late. On a related note, I can’t wait to pick up that new Macy Gray album I’ve been hearing so much about.

So I was going through the process like a boss until I got to my gas card accounts, Shell and BP. Try as I might, the damn Shell website kept shutting me out. It even had the nerve to tell me that it didn’t recognize my information, had no record of my existence and that I’d been a horrible husband. OK, maybe I imagined that last part because I’d heard it a couple times before.

Finally, it shuts me out altogether. I don’t know, something about trying and failing 17-times in a row signals an online break-in of some sort. I felt like a common criminal, one of those identity thieves like you read about.

At this point I did something that I usually try and avoid at all costs – I called the number on the website. After several attempts and fails at reaching an actual human I found myself talking to Chandler, who seemed like a nice enough guy for someone who was being treated as poorly as he was by me. Chandler was patient and understanding, an absolute saint of a man.

Chandler was on my side, damn it!

After inputting my info several times though, Chandler was dumbfounded, perplexed, flummoxed and bewildered all at once.  He couldn’t figure it out. One last time we went through my information. Then, the following exchange actually took place:

Me: “It says right here on my card that I’ve been a BP cardholder since 1994, Chandler. What the hell?” 

Chandler: “Uh . . . did you say BP cardholder?”

Oh, for God’s sake.

I’d been on the Shell website and on the phone with a Shell customer service representative bitching about Shell’s ineptitude for 30-minutes as I was holding a BP card in my hand.

On a positive note, since I had the information memorized my BP registration flew by without a hitch later.

Silver lining I guess?

Not Charlie, but I bet it's close.

Not Charlie, but I bet it’s close.

So the other day I had an interesting conversation with an old guy who worked at a hotel. How could this possibly be interesting, you ask? Are you underestimating me? How dare you? Read on . . .

A few days ago I called and made reservations at a little hotel on the island of Ocracoke here on the Outer Banks of North Carolina. My plan was to travel from Oak Island up to Kill Devil Hills using the ferries that connect the islands. I was going to spend the night in Ocracoke with Sparky, then head on up to Hatteras and beyond the next day.

Anyway, my plans changed at the last minute because of a concert I wanted to go to in Manteo, so I had to get here a day early. Because of this I needed to traverse the inland route, which is actually shorter but infinitely more boring. It was when I called the little local hotel (I changed the name below) to cancel my reservation when things got interesting. Here’s how it went down:

R-i-i-i-i-i-n-g! 

“Hello, Blue Surf Hotel. Charlie speaking.”

“Hey Charlie. This is Dave Shoemaker. I made reservations for Thursday night but I need to cancel. Something’s come up.”

Note: I could have said I had an emergency but I never tempt fate, which may have then handed me an actual emergency just for spite. Fate can be a real bitch. Anyway . . .

“Sorry old buddy, but cancellations have to made 7-days in advance. I know it’s a pain in the butt but the owners here are really strict about it.”

It was apparent to me I was talking to an older gentleman, as he had a raspy, deep voice with a slow southern drawl. Dude sounded exactly like I’d expect Old Man River to sound. Anyhoo . . .

“Seven days? I just made reservations yesterday! That makes no sense.”

“I know, I know. They make no exceptions though. Very strict folks. I’m very sorry.”

At this point I’d just kissed $155.79 goodbye since they had my credit card number and all. But then . . .

“Why don’t you reschedule, old buddy? Maybe sometime in August?”

“Not sure why I’d do that, Charlie. I’ll be long gone by then. That would do me no good at all.”

“You sure? You could reschedule ya know.”

Now I’m a little exasperated.

“Charlie, don’t you get it? I won’t be anywhere near Ocracoke on August 15th. I don’t want to reschedule.”

“Well, I’d think about rescheduling anyway, for say, August 15th. Then if something comes up you could cancel. You know, as long as you did it at least 7-days in advance.”

Realization . . . slowly . . . sinks  . . . in. My skull is a little thick, ya know.

“You know, Charlie, that’s a good idea. I  think I will reschedule. Let’s say August 15th.”

And so I did.

Sometimes it’s not only good to go beyond your job description and against what your employers may expect of you, but it can also be the right thing to do.

Thanks Charlie.

Note to self: Cancel reservations for Blue Surf Hotel no later than August 7th.